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/31 January 2000

WCW Nitro




DISCLAIMER: I'm on (get this) JURY DUTY! So, since sleep is suddenly more important that accuracy in Monday reports to me, I'm gonna have to HALF-ASS it tonight. That means ONE pass, NO rewinding, NO transcription (well, unless it's REALLY important - and I can keep up with them)...hell, you probably won't even notice if I hadn't brought it up!

Besides, it beats taking the week off, right? Oh, sorry, that's somebody else's (slightly more mean-spirited) joke...

QUICK QUOTES: Oy vey! AOL 56 15/16 (- 5 1/16), TWX 79 15/16 (- 7 11/16), SPLN 35 5/16 (- 5 7/16)

YEAR IN QUOTES: I *swear* I'll try REALLY hard to get it done this week - WrestleLine will probably want to break it into a couple hundred pieces, but I'll find a spot for an unbroken, ad-free version as well - it'll just be your and my secret - we won't tell WrestleLine about it, okay? Okay!




WCW logo - MiCasa reports that it, too, is ready to walk

"Highlights" of Sid's interview on THUNDER!, the TV-14-DLS ratings box, Nash's stripping Vicious of the title and awarding it to himself, the subsequent cage match, the closed captioning logo, the Crippler crossface (sorta), Vicious winning the title again - no mention of the "pinned" clip

"Earlier Today" has Hall on the phone with Nash - he's apparently out for the night - the phone is passed to Jarrett - apparently he is designated "acting commissioner" in Nash's absence. Jarrett says he'll book the SuperBrawl match, no problem. He passes the phone back to Hall for one more thing - then Nash hangs up on him (apparently).

Cutting to a live shot of the NWO - they and the girls are WALKING!

Nitro opening graphic

PYRO whee! WE ARE LIVE from the First Union Centre in Wilkes-Barre, PA 31.1.2K and if you thought tonight would be different, you're right - Bobby Heenan is off sick, and WrestleManiacs' Mark Madden is taking his seat tonight. And I always figured Ben Miller for the first WM'er working the colour slot on Nitro...

As the NEW WORLD ORDER (what's left of it) walks out, Madden ruins his first funny line of the night by saying Nash was injured "pushing a baby carriage out of a charging bus," neglecting the words "the path of" to make the line work. Figure it out, email me if you still can't make a line out of it. Jarrett reveals that Nash won't be with us tonight - cue (fake?) boos. Jarrett reveals that he (the Chosen One) has been designated Acting Commissioner, and then he passes the mic to Steiner. He had to bring his own freaks tonight - each of the four women takes turns removing their NWO T-shirt to reveal cleavage, causing the fans to cheer - just the reaction, I think, they were going for with the NWO. Steiner is muted, but I didn't catch it. The Harris Brothers are officially welcomed to the NWO - I thought they promised no scrubs? Oh well. Jarrett retakes the mic and congratulates Sid Vicious as the "asshole" chant is muted - causing a great chunk of dead air. Why bother with a TV-14 rating? Jarrett says that the next WCW World Championship title defense will be at SuperBrawl...against Jeff Jarrett (the Chosen One). This ALMOST makes sense as he IS the U.S. Champ (oops, Madden made that point too, well, good for him.) Jarrett promises to make Vicious' life "a living hell" until SuperBrawl, starting tonight - tonight, Sid Vicious will team up with two men in a six-man tag against Jeff Jarrett (the Chosen One), Heavy D and Big Ron. We'll find out who the two men are (Jarrett's choice) later tonight. Jarrett wishes the "chizzamp" good luck - ugh, he's SO white, though. Jarrett says that he's gonna run the show like Nash would - he's accepting bribes and the line forms at the NWO's door.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & MARK MADDEN - my God! Madden sure makes Tony look SVELTE. Tonight, the Mamalukes take on David Flair & Crowbar in a Bensonhurst Street Fight return bout for the tag team titles - Booker T. takes on Big T, and Ric Flair is back! He'll be here any minute. Madden reveals that he bribed Jarrett to get his spot for tonight - see, he's a heel. Get it? Get it?

Sid Vicious is not only walking, but SMIRKING!

In the back, a limousine arrives - who's in it? Yeah! Ric Flair!

Here's the first



of probably many ads for Steve "Sting" Borden's TNT World Premiere Movie "Shutterspeed" - Sunday at 10PM! DAISY FUENTES!!

J. Biggs, Big T and Stevie Ray - are - WALKING! Is Sista Sherri out of the mix ALREADY? We never even got to see them mysteriously talking on their cel phones! Big T carries AN ENTIRE GALLON of milk? I hope it's lo-fat!

T&A (Funk & Anderson) - are - TALKING! Funk wants to know where Flair is, and Anderson is - well, rather curt, actually

LASH LeROUX v. EVAN KARAGIAS (with 2/3 Count and the Green Circles) in a World Cruiserweight title tournament match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where Psychosis advanced over Kaz Hayashi. Also, last Wednesday, TAFKAP Iaukea overcame Kid Jobber - err, Romeo. LeRoux waffles Helms and Moore as Karagias tries to intro a solo performance. Karagias is so angered that LeRoux would dare try to wrestle as opposed to letting him sing that he gets all over him. It's officially proclaimed "anger and intensity." Was that a bionic elbow by Karagias? LeRoux manages a flurry, but he's pulled out of the ring at 2. Springboard plancha from Karagias! Rolled back in the ring, into the corner, headbutt followup - on the second rope - the "Shannon's a homo" chant has to be turned down. Hey WCW, when you get crowd heat, and you're barely getting crowd heat at this point, LET IT RIP, BABY. LeRoux punches back to the centre of the ring, off the ropes, dropkick, right, right, right, Bourbon Street Blues fails when Moore pulls him out of the ring. Doubleteam ensues, Karagias tries a baseball slide dropkick and misses all three men - LeRoux with an UGLY pescado on all three - this is some mean white bread lucha action here. Back in the ring, Karagias stomping away. Off the ropes, full nelson from Karagis - Helms in, Helms kicked out of the ring. LeRoux breaks the hold, catches him in the bulldog position, falls backward in a reverse Russian legsweep and that's the Whiplash 2000, and that's the pin. (2:15) I'd like to see some brackets in this tournament.

Backstage in the NWO room, Steiner says something that we can't hear. A caterer attempts to deliver some food, but a Harris says the NWO demands LOBSTER! so they send her off. This clip helps to advance the storyline that...well, the character'll get back to you. Oh wait! To show that the Harrisses are NWO 4 life! All right!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Nitro for Men - available at Perfumania!, Inholtra - Joe Theismann's pill!, Mega-16 diet pills, and oh boy there's way too many vices in this set of promos

Closed captioning where available brought to you by America (ha!) Online!

Dustin Rhodes tells us not to try this at home - whoa! Dustin Rhodes still has a job?

Gene O. works tonight! He stands in the back with David Flair and Crowbar - oh, and Daffney. Crowbar does his best play-by-play a la last week until the Mamalukes rush Flair - Gene "hey! I got glasses on here!" This segues into...

MAMALUKES (Luke, Mama, I love you) v. BADLANDERS in a return match for the tag team championship in a Bensonhurst Street Fight - after a brief tussle outside (OH NO! HE BACKDROPPED HIM INTO A SNOW BANK!), we're out, down the aisle and back in the ring. Highlight: Vito places a trashcan lid on Flair's man ensemble and whacks it with a crutch. DISCO INFERNO has joined the commentary team and contributes very little. Johnny and Crowbar in the ring after Vito and Flair go outside. MISS HANCOCK'S LEGS walk to ringside and take notes while Crowbar sidesteps a rope straddle by Johnny. Scoop slam,



leg across the privates. Chair put into place - he's gonna slingshot somersault guillotine legdrop onto the chair! Out goes Johnny - over goes Vito - out goes Crowbar with a pescado. Flair has been blissfully out of camera range all this time (mostly at the hands of the beating from Vito). Badlanders putting a table into the ring. Flair stomping on Vito on the outside as Disco repeatedly says "these guys do not need my help" - we take a look at Hancock again. Disco in - Crowbar crotched to stop him from moonsaulting onto a table onto Johnny. Now Disco and Johnny setting up the table - Crowbar placed on it as Vito climbs to the top - and here's an elbowdrop/splash/something, through the table, and referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts the pinfall. (6:07)

T, Ray, and J are still WALKING!

Meanwhile, Booker T and Midnight are WALKING! T carrying a bottle of Gatorade. That man sure does DRINK a lot

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs knocks on the NWO door - flashes the cash - and Jarrett, sensing that Knobs knows the password, is ready to listen to his request...oh, I guess I should point out the "Slap Nuts" T-shirt Jarrett is wearing - okay, never again, though.

WCW Surge ads - I must confess I haven't seen these in my local store yet

Knobs asks Jarrett to book Fit Finlay with Total Package - the thinking being that Finlay will be taken out tonight. What is that, a stack of fives?

BOOKA T. (with Mydnyte - hmm, the graphic says so - but he's not) v. BIG T (with Stevie Ray and J. Biggs) in a "loser can't use 'T' in their name anymore" match - the music abruptly stops on his way down - T. is confused - J. BIGGS is out with the NEW HARLEM HEAT to provide explanation, calling him "Stevie" - whoops - okay - here we go, the gist is that the music he's been coming out to has been, is, and always will be the property of "Harlem Heat Incorporated," and he ain't in it no more. Biggs says he's permanently enjoined from using that music ever again - but fear not, because his new clients (Harlem Heat) have collaborated on a new piece of music just for him - sounds like some old Journey to me. No, wait! More like Giuffria! Yeah! "It's meaningless music for a meaningless person such as yourself." For an encore, Biggs says that Booker T. can't use the "T." anymore, either, as it's ALSO property of Harlem Heat - and we don't want no copyright infringement goin' down. Good God, they're stealing all my jokes! "Asshole" chant erupts here (and is muted out) and Big T for the SECOND time shows the middle finger. Ray takes the mic and "puts it into Ebonics" for him - hey, HE said it, not me. Big T takes the mic and says "Yuh Guhn Duhn! Yuh Guhn Duhn!" Well, not really - he says if he's got a problem with using "T," they can settle this right now. Holy shit! It's really gonna happen! Well, before it does, Biggs tells Harlem Heat to take a powder, he'll handle it. As he starts to get into some of the mic work that reminded us why we all wanted Clarence Mason back using THE STICK ("you're a phony - you're a fake - you've been BAMBOOZLING the people - you've been HOODWINKING the people..."), MYDNYTE finally DOES appear (apparently not passing by Harlem Heat on her way out), drags Biggs into the ring, where Booker can have his way with him - Biggs says "you wouldn't hit a man with glasses would you?" - yeah, there's a right. Atomic drop - but now HARLEM HEAT walks out and makes quick work of Booker. Midnight climbs on the back of Big T, but he shakes her off but quick. Harlem Heat doubleteaming Booker - now holding him up for a shot from Biggs. HUGE "Booker T." chant - Biggs ready to punch - but comes up holding his neck - must be whiplash!

Norman Smiley arrives at the arena - unfortunately, walking by 3 Count - they think he's gone soft and tripleteam him, even getting in a shot with the DREADED Green Circle

Meanwhile, Jarrett tells Finlay that Knobs bribed him to put him in the ring with Total Package - and he's gonna do it. Then he hands Finlay a referee's shirt and tells him he'll be Special Referee in a Knobs/Package bout. So that makes Jarrett...a face? "I said I could be bought...but I didn't name my price..."

Meanwhile, Knobs was watching this on a monitor (he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!) and reacts to this by throwing things around and saying "son of a bitch" but not getting muted.

Oksana Baiul really needs to put some energy into her delivery, don't you think? "Three minutes. That's how long I have. To chase a dream across the ice."



Tix on sale Friday for THUNDER! in Winston-Salem, and Saturday for Bismarck, Fayetteville, Charlotte, and Chapel Hill for Nitro!

Smiley - RUNS! He comes across the casket of the Demon, and the wrestling gear - he steps inside, and - get this - the casket slowly closes....ooooooooh, SCEEERY!

(billy) KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. THE WALL - Let Us Take You Back To Souled Out and show you that the Wall has a victory on him from that Triple Threat Theatre - 2/3's of which we've just about completely forgotten...and isn't it a SHAME we can't show either of his two victories? Har har har. All three commentators really shine on Kidman - big phonies. Wall rushes Kidman - and misses. Punches from Kidman, big boot from the Wall. Right hand. Off the ropes, boot ducked, clothesline ducked, Wall catches him - presses and lets him drop to the mat. Backbreaker across the knee. Off the ropes, head down, Sunset flip attempt - Wall picks him up in a double choke and drops him on his head. Wall with a short clothesline - cover - 2. Off the ropes, gutbuster, dumped on the top rope - Kidman fires bak as Wall climbs to the second rope - missile dropkick, elbow, elbow, off the ropes, reversed, Kidman manages a 'rana for 2. Off the top - Wall catches the plancha attempt and slams him down. Motioning for the chokeslam, but VAMPIRO is running out - as Torrie climbs to the apron to distract referee "Blind" Nick Patrick, Vampiro climbs to the top rope and hits a spinning heel kick on Kidman's back - he falls onto Wall - Patrick counts 1, 2, 3. (3:08) They walk off after Vampiro - and just as they catch up - you didn't want to see that, did you? We immediately cut to

Ric Flair is - oh man, he's WALKING!

Meanwhile, in the back, Scott Hall asks Jeff Jarrett who Sid's two partners are - Jarrett only replies with a cryptic "Don't rush me..."

Another ad for "Shutterspeed" - MAN that Sting can ACT

GENE O. talks over Terry Funk's theme music, but it finally gives way to the music we've all wanted to hear for quite a while - "Also Sprach Zarathustra" - it can only be THE MAN, the picture of sartorial splendor in suit and tie. Schiavone and Tenay try one more time to get over that Flair's appearance last Wednesday was a passing of the torch to Sid (ha) but let's just let him have his say first and THEN try to make those pieces fit together. For Flair, you WILL hear all the words "Meeeeeeeean - WOOOOOO - by God - Gene! Do you - know - what all - this ad - ulation means - to me? It means that if you took the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Pirates, the Steelers, the Eagles, the Flyers, Lindross, Lemieux, you put 'em all together, Penn State, the Nittany Lions, roll 'em all into one ball, you're going the wrong way - throw 'em all into one ball - and they don't equal - this. It means that wrestling fans around the world are starved for the sight - woooo! - of the greatest wrestler of all time - to come back, walk that aisle - woooo - style and profile - yeah, you better go 'wooo!' that's what your girlfriend'll be doin' tonight, pal - they did it! - Eric Lindross - Jaromir Jagr - forget it, I'm the Man! Woooo! Listen to 'em! Flair for governor! Flair is God! Woooo! Flair is WCW!! Dammit all, Flair is wrestling - do you get it? Woooo!



Twenty years ago, Mean Gene, I didn't have a peer - a peer - a peer in this sport! Ten years ago, there were a coupla guys that could run with the Naitch - but here I am - woooo! - at the ripe - the ripe R-I-P-E of fifty, still - the - woo! - MAN. Pal, ask your mother, ask your girlfriend, I'm the Man. And, as for Space Mountain being the oldest ride in the park, hell, it's still got the longest line, woooo!, hell, YOU know that. Pretty good, huh? Pretty damn good. Have you missed me Mean Gene? God knows wrestling fans round the world have missed the Naitch. Woooo! The Naitch. Now let's talk about recent times. While I sat home, while I sat home, the Powers to Be had the audacity to call me up in Charlotte - to call the future governor up at home and say 'will you come back to WCW and be the Commissioner?' ["Na Ture Boy" chant] I said 'why would you want the greatest wrestler alive to be the Commissioner?' That was my question, and the answer was 'NO!' Now they say, 'will you come up to the snow, sleet, and mud of Wilkes-Barre and walk onto Nitro?' I said 'Maybe - maybe - if the deal's right, maybe' - well, they made the deal right, I'm out here, we're gonna get this company up and rolling again. [The jacket's off] - woooo! But before - before - I take it by storm, I gotta clarify one thing with one man right up front. And that is the former Commissioner, Mr. Terry Funk. Funk, for some reason, you have alluded to the fact that the Naaaaaature Boy might come back and support YOU, might be your partner, might be your friend, might be anything - you're wrong! You're Terry Funk - and I'm Ric Flair! And there's a big difference! A BIG difference! Listen to 'em, dammit! I'm -" [off the ropes, elbowdrop, off the ropes, strut] "I'm the Nature Boy! So Terry Funk, if you're backstage, get your ass out here, let's get this straightened out. Schiavone, what are you looking at? Don't you read that sign? GOD is standing in the ring tonight! On the ninth day, God - created - Flair - woooo!" And finally here's TERRY FUNK out to a cascade of boos. "Flaaaaaaaaair - you banana-nose, horse-tooth, evil bastard - you have been World's Champion more times than any other man in the history of this sport. You have made millions in this sport. You have become a common name in every household throughout the world - not just the United States - but I sense a tinge of jealousy in your voice. And I know what that jealousy stems from. And I'm gonna tell you where it comes from - IT COMES FROM MICK FOLEY'S BOOK AND A STATEMENT THAT HE MAKES IN HIS BOOK - one sentence! What Mick Foley stated is that you wouldn't make a decent-sized pimple on Terry Funk's ass - on any given day. Ohhh, Flair, why don't you forget about all those petty things and join me against the NWO? No, you don't wanna do that - why don't you try to lift the WCW up - no you don't wanna do that, you're too petty! Why don't you grow up, lick-- Ric Flair? Why don't you grow up? Why don't you look at that son of yours, who's acting like a fool and an idiot? Can't you realise that he needs discipline? He needs discipline from his father - if *I* was his father, I would take him out back behind the barn, strap him to a sawhorse, and take some horse reins, and beat on that little SOB, and I'd beat on him, and I'd beat on him, and I would teach him some respect, but you won't do that Ric Flair, will you? No, you won't - so why don't you just go be governor of Carolina and leave myself and Arn Anderson to deal with the NWO. I don't want you around! You don't have enough sense to be around me - you horse-toothed, banana-nose BASTARD!" "Funk! Two things, hear me out - first of all, if Foley said I was the pimple on your ass, he hasn't watched TV in 27 years, pal, because from Starrcade, to WrestleMania, back to Starrcade, I got more world titles than you got cows on that little tiny chicken ranch o' yours, pal." "Chicken ranch! My ass! Chicken ranch my ass!" "Hey, talk to me face to face, I'll slap the [shit] outta you here tonight, pal. Fourteen times, Mr. One-time. Come on down here Funk, come on down here, style and profile, pal, wooo! Come on down here! Come on. Come on. Come on, Terry." Funk slowly walks to the ring. "I'm wearin' my Armani suit, my Armani tie, and I gotta beat up Terry Funk. What's happening WCW? Come on in here Funk! He's not that stupid, look, ohohoho - wait a minute! Wait a minute, where's the camera? What does that shirt say? 'The Living Legend?' Haa! Wow! You call yourself the living legend while I'm in the ring? I'm Ric Flair, pal! Gene, I gotta stop (something) right now." Funk unleashes a left, spinning toe hold and repeated lefts. Raming his head into the canvas. Out comes SECURITY to break it up - Funk takes out a security guy - Flair kicking back - they got him out of the ring and Flair runs off...and walks out. Funk looks confused.

Cut to the NWO dressing room - Jarrett: "Looks like we just found Sid two partners." Steiner tries to make a joke but he's cut off by

Promotional consideration paid for by Jolly Time Blast'o'Butter popcorn, America (ha!) Online, and Slim Jim! Hey, Savage's contract is up, right? Yet we still see him...

Sid Vicious and Sting Superstar Series videos - and Nitro Girls (who?) video ad




Here's a clip from "Shudderspeed" - oops, I've been spelling it wrong. Oh, who cares.

Gene O. stands with the TV-14-DLS ratings box, comments on what we just heard, then brings Sid Vicious out to alternately shout, then whisper. He's going to promise to the fans that someone will be powerbombed straight to hell - hey, that's NASH'S line!

Meanwhile, we take a pander - sorry, gander - err, yeah, that's right - at Miss Hancock - the two guys who HAD been accompanying her present their suits to her. "Why aren't you guys wearing your suits?" She's standards and practices - they were apparently just eye candy to get her over in the first place. "Look, after the stunt that you guys pulled last time, you should be even happy that you even have a job in this company." "Oh yeah, we're really lucky to have a job with WCW - woo woo!" "You know what? This is the second stupid gimmick they've stuck with us - we're not gonna do it anymore! We're finished with the suits - so why don't you call us when you get that bun outta your hair?" "Hey, we need to speak to them about getting our names right - let's go!"

The Total Package and Liz - are - WALKING! Tony is faded out in think somebody's segment went a little long?

Nitro graphic - same one that opened the show, come to think of it - no significance, just saying

Sid Vicious alternately shouts and whispers - and asks you to buy his shirt. If I'm not on jury duty next week, I'll transcribe it for you, John - I promise

TOTAL PACKAGE (with yow Liz) v. BRIAN KNOBS - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Luger and Elizabeth made merry with chair and bat to Buff Bagwell. Say, if they're running long, why not trim the length of this posedown? FIT FINLAY is the special referee as I notice the ramp is covered - as it often is when Elizabeth has to make the long walk down the aisle. Let Us Take You Back once again to THUNDER! where Fit Finlay failed to defeat Triple B because Knobs nicked his wrench - as if Finlay ever needed a wrench BEFORE. Knobs punching - head into the turnbuckle - into the opposite corner, back elbow, motioning for the Pit Stop, Finlay telling him to watch where he points that thing, Luger coming back, Knobs with a clothesline, and there IS the Pit Stop. Knee takes Package outside the ring. Knobs following. Elbow, into the barricade, head to the STEEL steps, rolled back in the ring. Package begging off, Finlay delivering an elbow to the back of the head, and inviting Package to take some free shots. Package is agreeable to this - Ace Toolbox forearm shiver. Big stomps and big kicks. Big boot to the head. Big "Boring" chant. Big choke on the second rope. Big whip into the corner, Knobs puts up an elbow, clothesline, clothesline, the fans go WILD for Knobs! Well, no. Bodyslam, elbowdrop, another elbowdrop, a THIRD elbowdrop, a LEGdrop, and "that's it." Knobs to the second rope - Finlay standing between Knobs and the Total Package, allowing just enough time for Elizabeth to walk up the steps and deliver some pretty feeble baseball bat shots, which nonetheless knock him out. Finlay checks on Knobs - then walks away. Package puts Knobs right arm in the chair and Pillmanizes it. The battery of regular REFS come out and finally the bell is rung (DQ? No contest? 4:12) Package walks off, saying to the camera that he's the Cal Ripken of wrestling - then he mentions Hulk Hogan just to make us wonder what's up. The crowd chants "We want Sting" - so, of course, we cut to

Emerging from the coffin is the Demon - who looks suspiciously like Screamin' Norman Smiley...



Time now for Jimmy Barron's Cheap Bastard Road Report - it's always summer poolside wherever HE is... Nitro hits Tulsa next week! Screw THUNDER!, this is the only show that matters!

SuperBrawl promo is most unfortunately quite obsolete - nonetheless, they'll still have it 20 February.

The Demon complains to the cops - "What do you think it looked like? It looked like KISS! It was right here, somebody jacked my gear!" Boy that Demon's got one wimpy-ass voice, don't he?

Once again, 3 COUNT try to regale us with their hit single "Can't Get You Out of My Heart," and once again, the music of Smiley interrupts them. But the man saying "It's Jiggee time!" is dressed as the Demon...

SHANE HELMS v. SCREAMIN' BLACK MAGIC - Moore and Karagias attack before the bell - Helms with a frog splash for 2. Side Russian legsweep, off the ropes, a pair of lightning leg drops, flourished legdrop, backbreaker, Vaderbomb meets the knees, time for Smiley to come back. Nope, Helms is up and over, standing switch, Helms pulls on the leg to take him down, Smiley kicks him off, caught him in the swoop slam. Stop the presses - Hulk Hogan will respond to comments on THUNDER! Get your tickets NOW, Binghamton! They wouldn't DARE screw you! (Would they?) Clubbing forearm from Smiley, off the ropes, dropkick misses when Helms holds on. Helms with an airplane spin (!) - he's going up top - Smiley hits the top rope and Helms tries really hard to snap his own head off by flipping off the ropes on the way down. For an encore, Smiley outdoes Helms' airplane spin by unleashing THE GIANT SWING!! Time now for Smiley to do him in da butt and smack his bitch up. Karagias up, Karagias down, Moore up, Moore down. Helms sneaks in a boot, off the ropes, duck, Smiley clamps on the Norman Conquest and he taps. (2:51) Screamin' Demon Norman Smiley with the duke - and now the *real* DEMON leads a couple COPS out to arrest him for thievery - the chase is on - but rather than watch Demon catch him - we cut to

Gene O. stands with Kimberly & Diamond Dallas Page - the Mamalukes walk by and get a piece (well, Vito does, anyway) - Kimberly turns around and sees Disco Inferno. "Disco just pinched my butt!" "No I didn't, you stupid bimbo!" Kimberly slaps him one and Dallas goes after him.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Kimberly) v. DISCO INFERNO - as Page's music plays, we look backstage and see Inferno telling an old guy that "she WISHES I'd grabbed her ass" - Page attacks him again and off we go - out on the other side of the curtain, all up into DJ Ran's area (how ironic!), through the crowd, over the barricade, finally in the ring? Something like that. The opening bell finally sounds about 90 seconds in - There's a UDC trifecta of signs in the audience, yep. Uranage by Page for 2. LOOKIT HER TITS!! Oh, sorry. Disco's trick knee acts up to swing the momentum the other way, there's the swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, nope. Side Russian legsweep - Disco throws his shirt at Kimberly, elbowdrop for 2. Choke on the second rope - referee "Blind" Slick Johnson breaks it up. Disco wailing away with the punching and kicking. There's some dancing. Page promptly pulls him into the corner and takes command. Coming out, reversed, held on,



knee in the gut, "short powerbomb," Page signalling for it - but Disco hits a jawbreaker before Page can pick him up - off the ropes, reversed, dueling hiptosses, Diamond Cutter, 1, 2, 3. (2:34 bell-to-bell) BIG VITO & JOHNNY "THE BULL" arrive a bit too late to help their manager, and Page is walking out through the crowd, 'cause he's a suck-up. Kimberly is a bit too smart to walk out THAT way.

Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Twins - are - WALKING!

Sid Vicious is - WALKING! and ranting to himself!

Terry Funk is WALKING!

Is Ric Flair WALKING!? We don't see it! Come back after these words from Craftmatic!

Nitro graphic - again

Dustin Rhodes' public service announcement #2 - "leave the rough stuff to the pros"

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & THE HARRIS BROTHERS v. SID VISCOUS & TERRY FUNK & THE MAN - commentators wonder where Arn Anderson's loyalties lie. Looking at the back of Jarrett's shirt, I realise now that every time I've typed "the Chosen One," it should have been "the Chosen 1." Sorry. The first music to play is Funk's, even as Sid's video plays on the Jumbotron. Jarrett decides to liberate a chair, much to referee "Blind" Charles Robinson's consternation. You know, the crazy thing is that had Nash not been injured, they WOULD have stripped him of the title AGAIN tonight. Jarrett decides not to wait for the third man - he rushes Funk & Vicious and it's on - call it a Pier Five brawl. Vicious has Jarrett up on the stage - a Harris comes over to help him out. Jarrett whipped into a barricade. Funk in control of Jarrett while the Harrisses work over Vicious. Looks like everybody's going to the ring. Chair to Jarrett's back from Funk! Where's Flair? Chair to a Harris! Again! Again! Jerrett has a chair of his own. Meanwhile, a Harris and Vicious are at the announce position - tho' we can't see it - now the cameraman is making me dizzy. Funk slammed on the table (we miss it again). Meanwhile, in the ring, Vicious is hitting the Ten Punch Count Along - until Jarrett hits him from behind. Tony Schiavone's swivel chair is tossed around, in and out of the ring. Choas. A Harris is dumped over the top rope, where he says "aw shit" - Vicious ready to powerbomb Jarrett but the other Harris makes the save. Now Funk is in and it's two on two now - Funk getting the better of Harris while Vicious tries to hook the front face on Jarrett on the top rope. Robinson manages to get it to one-on-one in the ring, Funk on a Harris - Vicious standing on the apron with a Hogan-esque ear cup. Now Funk is chaired by the Harris not on the mat. Vicious in, Robinson distracted, Harris punching away on Funk. Stomp, tag to Jarrett, second rope gutshot. "Sid" chant. Right, right, dropkick from Jarrett. Tag to Harris, open shot, snapmare takeover, off the ropes, elbowdrop, two, off the ropes for a third, 1, 2, no. Cover, 2. Side headlock, Funk falls back in a suplex - reaching for Sid - the other Harris in to prevent the tag and also make the illegal switch. Sid forgets to distract the ref, though, so it makes no sense. Jarrett tagged in. Off the ropes, head down, Funk with an uppercut, right, right, left - misses, but Jarrett ducks down all the way to the mat. PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, Harrisses save. Sid comes in, Robinson keeps him from getting in



- big knockdown from Funk, who works his rubber leg bit all the way to the HOT TAG! Clothesline! Clothesline! Here comes THE MAN - and goning right for *Funk*! Security gets him outta there as Sid catches a Harris in a chokeslam! The other Harris is in, right hands aplenty. And here's some more. Off the ropes, big boot by Vicious - and there's that powerbomb. Jarrett is in with his gee-tar - great, I've never seen THAT one before. 1, 2, 3. Jarrett pins Sid - will we see that at SuperBrawl? Will we even remember it happened by the time we get there? Credits are immediately up - I guess they wanted to end on time, even as they're a bit late - Good night! (7:39)

Hey! "National Lampoon's Senior Trip!" I was in the same high school class as *Jeremy Renner*! He's made us all SO PROUD!

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