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/10 April 2000

WCW Nitro




QUICK QUOTES: AOL 67 1/4 (+ 3/4), TWX 98 3/8 (+ 3 3/4), SPLN 22 3/4 (- 4 1/4)

Let's TRY a clean slate this week. There'll be plenty of OTHER shows for me to be a big smartass before starting the report. Besides, it's supposed to be a big deal tonight......right? I think I heard that somewhere...




WCW logo - it's made the cut - breathe easier

TV-14-DLS - back to the "we edited out Jazz" Nitro Grrl opening credits - which RIPS apart to reveal

A crowd! A close captioning logo! And some PYRO!! The set is gone, replaced by the giant screen and scaffolding from Uncensored (what do you MEAN, you didn't see Uncensored?) - holy crap, the pyro dropping into the ring almost sets the talent on fire! WE ARE LIVE from the Pepsi Center in Denver, CO 10.4.2K and it's a whole new Nitro! it?

Yes, the ring is filled up with all sorts of folk - some are easily recognizable, others are not - looks like Kanyon's back. Dress is "semi-casual," looks like. This is a special meeting called by Vince Russo, we are told. Hey, nice tie, Yun Yang!

We look at the entryway to see more people enter - Scott Steiner, the Wall (something is muted), Vampiro, Booker, Cat, Kidman, Hammer, Jarrett (looking ESPECIALLY hosed down - probably a bad choice to wear that shirt if you're gonna go out wet). Vince Russo's name has been mentioned many times - more than all the wrestlers combined (sigh). Jeff Jarrett has THE STICK: "When I came to WCW some six months ago, I told everyone that I was the Chosen One. I was hand-picked to be the next WCW World Champin. My future was in the hands of the man who had the biggest hand in turning the WWF around - I know, 'cause I was there. Well somewhere along the way our master plan got derailed - by a pack of good ol' boys who couldn't compete and weren't even in his league and they knew it. Well I've just got one thing to say - yeah, I just got one thing to say to that bunch of slapnuts sitting at home watching on TV tonight - what goes around, comes around. So without further ado, it is my honour and my privlege to introduce you to the man who once was Vince McMahon's best kept secret, who will once again change the game - the Power IS...VINCE RUSSO!" "Iron Man" plays... and out he comes. He got "Iron Man" as his theme? Steady on....

"You know, after giving six years of my life to the World Wrestling Federation I came to WCW with one thing in mind - and that was to beat Vince McMahon at his own game! And you know what? Within a matter of weeks, the new blood in WCW was not only getting back in the game, they were changing the game! And that's when the good ol' boy network kicked in - afraid of change, and more importantly afraid of their jobs - the political BS took place in the back to bring Vince Russo down. And you stayin' at home know who you are 'cause you're watching me now. And then one day I'm told that there's gonna be a change in direction - a change that I knew SUCKED! And you know what? I wasn't the only one who knew - Benoit knew - Guerrero knew - Saturn knew - Malenko knew - Douglas knew - and they left! They're gone! Scott Steiner - he knew it, and they suspended his ass! Well you know what? That's all over now. It's done. And Vince Russo is back in charge again. And I wanna turn around now and I wanna say something to everybody in this ring. It is OVER. The old boys management is over. The inflated egos in the back, afraid to lose their spot - it is over. It is the dawning of a new day - it is your opportunity - seize that opportunity!"

"Are you DONE yet?" Perhaps nothing is more appropriate than the fact that CRACKA EAZY-E *still* comes out to the theme from "NWO Monday Nitro" - a quick "airplane" for the greying Bischoff, clad in black jacket and shirt. Bischoff hits the ring...and there's a handshake - and a big hug. The crack production staff...almost missed it. "Let me tell you something. This man - Vince Russo and I - have more in common than anybody knows. But the big thing is the fact that we were both screwed by the same [drawling] good ol' boys network. Vince is right - those days are over. But it's okay - I don't even mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because it's giving me a hell of an opportunity to think about all the great things I did in WCW - but it's also given me an opportunity to realise the mistakes I've made - mistakes like...Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and oh yeah - oh yeah - let's not forget Sid 'wished he was' Vicious. But you know what the biggest mistake I've ever made? I mean this is the real big one. Hulk Hogan. I'm sorry - I really am sorry."

Backstage, we see Luger, Liz, Page, Kimberly, Sting and Vicious watching the proceedings on a monitor. Eric continues...

"Everybody told me he would screw me - he would use me - they said, do not look into that red and yellow light because you will be blinded. Well, I was blinded, but tonight I've got 20/20 vision - I'm seeing real clearly for the first time in a long time, and right now I want to apologise to everybody in this ring - the new blood - and I want you guys to know that if there's anything I can do for Vince Russo that will help you, I am there for him - I am there for you, because it is a whole new WCW. And where are they? Where are they, where is Diamond Dallas Page? Where is Sting? Where are they?" "I think they're hiding in the back with the old tail between their legs." "Oh ho! Oh my."

The six walk out.

"Looks like we got us a little party! Hey, and for once, you guys look like you showed up ready for work! Hey, what's up Sid, no softball game? How about you, Lexster? No golf game today? No lunch with Michael Jordan? Hey, DDP, what about those seven fans of yours down at the trailer park wanting to have an autography on your new book? What about that? And Stinger! What, no Hollywood premiere tonight? I'm really glad you all came to work. What's the matter Page, nothing to say?" "Bischoff, I don't know what the hell you're smoking, but you better step off!" "Screw you, Page! You wanna know something, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be here tonight. You'd be shlepping drinks at some redneck bar in the middle of Florida, telling the world that you're friends with Bon Jovi. You know, where were you for the past six months while I've been sittin' home, unemployed? Huh? How 'bout you, Sting - who's the guy that rebuilt your career? I'll tell you who it is - the same guy that made Lex Luger a multimillionaire when the WWF didn't want to have anything else to do with him. That's who it is. And what about you Sid - well, I'll tell you what guys - I made you - I can sure as hell break you, but this time it's gonna be a little more fun, and it's gonna be a little more fair - this time it'll be a level playing field." "And you know what, Eric, before we get into that level playing field, I have something that I wanna say that's a little personal, because I know HE is back there hiding as well, and I got something I wanna say to Ric Flair - yeah, cheer for him, because you know what? Ric Flair, you are a piece of (shit on the) bottom of my shoe! And brother, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna scrape off that (shit) and flush your ass down the toilet personally!



Now Jeff, Jeff, this is where you gotta trust me. Eric said this is gonna be an even playing field, and we're gonna start a new day, right now, tonight. So Jeff, I'm gonna ask you to hand that US title over to me. That's right Jeff, all titles will be stripped tonight - it'll be a brand new playing field. C'mon, Jeff, trust me. Trust me."

Jarrett forks over the US title - the Harrisses give the tag team titles - Knobbs gives his hardcore title. Hey, anybody see the Prince out there tonight? Obviously, the television title has been forgotten again... Eric: "Hey, Sid, there's only one belt left - and you know who's wearing it." "I tell you what, Bischoff - you wanna get this belt - bring your scrawny little ass over here and take it!" "Okay!" Bischoff leaves the ring and walks over to Sid. "C'mon, Sid - hand it over - what do you wanna do, you wanna lay me out, Sid?" Crowd gives it's biggest cheer so far. "C'mon, Sid, you know you can do it! Hell, *I* know you can do it! But here's what'll happen - I'll heal. And when I get done healing, I'll spend the rest of my life knowing that you're unemployed - so here's the deal, either lay me out, take your chances or hand over the belt. It's your choice - big man. Hell, I've been beat up before, it won't be the last time. What's the matter, Sid, can't find your scissors? C'mon Sid! I said, what's the matter Sid, can't find your scissors? C'mon man! Don't let me push your buttons, Sid! Wouldn't want to see you pop and go crazy, Sid! I wouldn't want to see you ruin your career, Sid! The long, lonely life in West Memphis, Sid." Sid forks it over. "See ya on the sixteenth. Spring Stampede. That's when the REAL World Heavyweight Champion will wear the belt." Crowd tries another "Goldberg" chant while various folk in the ring slap Bischoff's back.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive hard!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MWMADDEN@HOTMAIL.COM - TELL HIM CRZ SENT YA. It would be wrong of me to note the "I'M MISSING RAW" sign so I won't. Lookit the Mark catching flies - c'mon, buddy, try CLOSING the mouth! Breathe through the nose! You can do it! Try to be somebody that *I* would want to be! We're all counting on you to LIVE THE DREAM!

Outside, Hulk Hogan arrives - and he's WALKING!

Hey! Spurs/Kings tomorrow! Maybe they can lose AGAIN!

Wow, I guess it turns out that they're SO unhappy with Page that they're gonna run this ad for his book ANYWAY!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage is back!), Geico, Geico (again), Toaster Breaks from Hot Pockets, and America (ha!) Online!

Moments Ago, somebody had the audacity to refer to Brian Knobbs as "new blood"

Sting tells Hogan that Bischoff is on him. "How bad?" "Like he might as well just kick you right between the legs." "Come on." "He's on ya, and I'm not jokin'." "I'm on it." "I'm not ribbin' ya!" "You know what? I'm not ribbin', either."

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Kimbrrly) v. THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) in a Contender's semifinal match - Page, Luger, Sting, and Vicious will take place in a mini-tournament tonight, with the winner to take on Jeff Jarrett for the title at Spring Stampede. This, you see, is what they refer to as a "level playing field." As Page goes to feel the bang, there's NO pyro - AND his music cuts out. Of course, the crack production staff misses this as they're busy looking at the crowd. (Hey, if you think I'm being overly critical, go back and read about all the production upgrades we were promised over the past two weeks and THEN come back and bitch about it.) Page hits the ring without music. Hey, he got a haircut! The Total Package comes out and almost immediately, HIS music stops as well as his entrance video. So THEY hit the ring without music. The lighting treatment is still there, though...well, until Package gets into his spotlight - then the lights come back on. Lockup, arm wringer by Page - hammerlock is reversed, back elbow, shoulderblock by Page, off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, knee, leg trip takedown - Page over to follow up but Luger's trick knee acts up. Big axehandle, big kick, big kick,



big buttdrop as he's draped over the second rope - another. Big elbow, big kick, big kick, big kick, big kick, big kick, big kick, big stand on the neck, big pose. Page pulls himself up and put Package in the corner, right, left, right, into the opposite corner, big boot up, big clothesline. Big scoop - backbreaker - lifting him up for ANOTHER drop on the knee. How about a THIRD big backbreaker. BUFF IS THE STUFF comes out to music AND pyro, for no particular reason. While Package is distracted by this (as well as referee "Blind" Mickie Jay), Page sneaks up from behind with a Golota. Buff's hitting on Kimberly, so Page walks over and ends up going down to a big double axehandle. Now Bagwell is over to put some moves on Elizabeth...and now *Package* is duly distracted. In fact, there's a Diamond Cutter. 1, 2, 3. (4:23) Page's music plays for about five seconds, then stops.

Hulk Hogan is WALKING! And trying to find Eric Bischoff...

1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" contest ad

Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke - and George Foreman!

Curt Hennig hits up Russo - what's up with Jarrett going for the title? Russo apologises and says how about a match with Jarrett tonight for the title shot? Hennig thanks him.

Meanwhile, Hogan is still WALKING! I wonder if he'll find Bischoff or not...

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY YEAHBABY walks out to the ring. Ring announcer DAVID PENZER decides to leave the mic in the ring and take his leave. "Cut the music! I'm gonna say this one time - it's gonna be short and sweet so you better listen up! I'm not some candyass RASSLER - I'm a shootfighter! I don't know the difference between a wristwatch and a wristlock, but I know how to kick your ass! I'll tell you one thing - when I came here, I came here for one reason. One reason only - some yahoo walkin' around thinkin' he was a shootfighter, wiggling his tongue and actin' tough. Well I'll tell you right now - Bill Goldberg, I came here for you! It's not any coincidence that Bill's hurt and ran away the - the first week I came on the scene, is it? I'm gonna tell you what, Bill - 'til you grow balls big enough to fight me, I'm gonna beat the holy hell outta innocent victims - I don't care if it's Mother Theresa - anyone. It's gonna start Bill, 'til you get your ass back here to fight me, I'm gonna beat the holy hell outta these people." Leave it to Abbott to pick on a dead woman....Abbott leaves the ring and looks for a target. He spies the commentary table. Hudson gets muted with "holy geez," but Abbott has other ideas. Yup - ol' roly poly is pounded on, relieved of his shirt (sweet merciful CRAP!), then put in the ring - Abbot strikes away. Security pulls him off a little too early - I mean, a little too late...

Jeff Jarrett accosts Vince Russo - "After everything we've been through, you don't trust me? Who do I look like, J.J. Dillon to you?"

Meanwhile, Torrie asks Kidman if he's sure he wants to go through with this. Kidman finishes putting on his shirt and asks her to stay behind.

Meanwhile, Hogan finds Terry Taylor and asks where Bischoff is - of course, he rats him out.

When we come back from the break, Hogan has JUST made it to the door. Knock knock - Eric answers. "Hollywood...what's up?" "They're stirring it up again - Sting and Sid say this time you're doing the end around on me." Bischoff says he learned from the best - "you know the deal." Hogan says now that he's back, he needs to straighten this out. Bischoff says "this is for you and me" and leads him behind the door and out of camera range. Holy crap! Bischoff knows the camera's there? He must be the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!




the ring with mic in hand. "You know, I feel like I've just been handed a 'get out of jail free' card, because for years, me and the rest of the new blood have been held down by the egomaniacs trying to hold onto their faded careers. I've been used and abused and told to keep my mouth shut. Well, tonight is my night. And the one man I want to address is the biggest egomaniac of them all - Hulk Hogan. That's right, Hulk, for weeks you've been badmouthing me. You've been saying - you've been talking about my size - and yeah, Hulk, I may not have a body that you have, but I have two things, Hulk, that you can't take away from me, and two things that you will never have - and that's heart and talent. And Hulk Hogan, we all know the only way to get that grotesque orange tan that you have is to be in the spotlight for way too long. And you say that Billy Kidman can't draw flies, well maybe you're right, well who would know better about drawing flies than a pile of (shit like you). So, Hulk, that leaves only one thing that I've waited a long time to do. I'm calling your ass out. Come on, Hulk!" Backstage, Hogan leaves the office and checks out a monitor - then gets annoyed and stamps off. "Come on - bring the red and yellow, hero! Come on, Hulk, it's time to see if your balls are as big as your bald spot! Come on, Hulk, you talk about me when I'm not around, well here I am! I'll see you in this ring now, come on! Where are you, Hulk, are you scared? You say I'm not a threat but you won't come and face me in the ring - the hero is scared." The music hits and out comes YOU KNOW WHO to a moderate pop. HIS music isn't cut off, I should probably note. "Who in the hell do you think you are, Kidman? Kidman, I've been sittin' in the back, and this isn't the first night I've listened to your crap - I've been watching you the last couple months - I've been hearing you crying 'when am I gonna get the break? When am I gonna get the push?' Well you're the kinda punk that gives the young guys in this business a bad name, Kidman! Hey - you got something to say?" "Is that so? You had a good run, Hulk, but your run is over." "Well you know something, Kidman, if you were in my league - if you were in the same game as me, you might understand what this business is all about, but you're so damn p-whipped, in love with that girl you--" and Kidman WAILS on him. Right, right, right, right, right, Hulk goes down! Kidman raining rights on him, stomping away. Hogan leaves the ring - Kidman out after him - but Hogan sidesteps the leap and he eats the barricade. And now Hogan unleashes some straight rights. Hogan takes him - and runs his head RIGHT into the ringpost! Whip into the barricade. Another straight right. Kidman thrown back in the ring.... "You wanna kick my ass? Get your ass up you piece of crap.." Right, right, right, right, right, right, crowd is COUNTING along.....well now CRACKA EAZY-E is out with a chair...he's gonna turn on him here, isn't he - asking Hogan to pick him up so he can waffle him - one more right hand for Kidman - and now Bischoff chairs Hogan. Wow, they SWERVED us! Kidman covers and hooks a leg - Bischoff with a count - 1, 2, 3. Play Kidman's music! Hogan actually *blades* for Bischoff's mighty THERE'S some symbolism of some sort...

Backstage, a white stretch is parked - and there's Ric Flair! And now he's WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by Judge Wapner's cash scam, the city of Las Vegas, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, and Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets

Moments Ago, two angles - do we actually see Hogan run the blade across his forehead just before taking the chair from Bischoff? In plain sight and slow motion? Oh well. A replay of the 1, 2, 3 count as well. This replay is rated TV-14-DLS!

Backstage, Hogan rearranges some furniture and gets muted for swearing. Hey, I saw the boom mic and light dude!

Ric Flair watches a replay on a monitor - while we watch him

And now the music plays - and if it's one minute to RAW, I don't care WHICH regime we're under - you can do no better but bring out THE MAN to say a few words, and here he is. He begins speaking RIGHT as we turn the hour.



"Woooo! Only this time it must be Vince 'Oh My God You're Back' Russo, huh? Is that it? Russo, if what I'm told is correct, you and Bischoff have just given me the green light - I said last week, I said 'I can't say how I feel about you in ten seconds, give me ten minutes!' Here's the deal, Russo! Here's what you can't stand! You came from the WWF to save us? My friend, you grew up watching me, pal! You know it! You know it, you live with it every day of your life! You wanna call me old - put the word old away, call me great! Do you think in this town that every time Brian Griese throws a touchdown they forget about John Elway? Elway's the man! Elway! Elway! Doesn't mean that Brian Griese ain't a player, but Elway's the man, and if you're from New York - if you're from New York - what you better get used to is you grew up lookin' at Yankee Stadium - you saw Joe, you saw the Babe, you saw the Mick - put Ric Flair right next to 'em, that drives you crazy, pal. This is the only - this is the only business - sports - in the world that you get your ass kicked for for gettin' old. Pal, forget about old - I got GREAT. So did Hogan! So did Sting! So did Page! Not all of us will all always agree, but we've all gotten great based on our own ability - a lifetime - you couldn't show me - Iain'tgonnaswear) - you ever had a jock on? You wanna insult me? Here's the deal. I saw Bischoff, and for whatever problem I had with him, at least he's got - heh - the guts to walk up to Vicious. Russo, I ain't spending two hundred grand again on Bill Diehl and John Taylor - you come out here right now, Russo. You got a problem with me? Get me off the bottom of your shoe right here in Denver, come on." But it's "Steinerized" playing and BIG POPPA PUMP's entrance video on the screen. Oof, this should be...interesting. "Cut the music! Hey Ric Flair, you ol' bastard! I'm listening to you in the back on the monitor, and quite frankly, you're boring me to death. See, last time I came out here and did an interview on you, you obviously listened, because you bleached your teeth, but they're still crooked as hell. Now after I did that interview, you and your old bastard friends tried to get me fired. But that didn't surprise me none, because if you look at the WWF right now and see who's the champion up there, with the exception of one person, they've all come from here, but you and your old bastard friends ran 'em out so you could be a 14-time World champion - and don't mean (shit) to me, because I see that fatass right there in the fourth row with no teeth - he could have been a 14-time World champion if he had all his friends pulling the strings. Now, I look at you, and I see a confused look on your face, so I'm gonna bring it to you another way. I know there's no way in hell I could ever bring you up to my level, physically or mentally, so I'm gonna lower myself to what you are, and that's no class white trash from Charlotte, North Carolina. So see if you can guess who I" Steiner puts in some joke teeth. "'Meeeeeeeeean Gene! I'm a limousine-riding, jet-flying, backstabbing son of a bitch! I got more loose skin that a Sharpei puppy...'" SHANE DOUGLAS is out, spinning Flair around and unleashing a right cross! He drops an elbow before Security pulls him off. Steiner's still talking but it doesn't matter. Flair plays dead while the commentators try to sell us on Douglas no longer being with the company.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash arrives - on crutches!

Meanwhile, I'm gonna guess that's BRET CLARKE sitting up in the stands, but the picture quality is so poor (no light) that I have no idea...

When we come back from the break, we get a much better look at Bret Hart.

"Moments Ago" footage shows us that Douglas wrapped a chain around his fist before using it. I don't mind that they missed this the first time around, because this is more of a "surprise" thing (I'll ignore your smartass question about how they managed to get an angle where Douglas is in perfect frame - sometimes you gotta just deal with it) and I like that they come back to it to help explain just what happened.

Backstage, Flair is roaming the halls looking for Douglas

Meanwhile and elsewhere, GENE O. works tonight! "Shane Douglas, what the hell are you doing here? You asked for your release, and you got it! You don't work for this company! How can you ridicule one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, Ric Flair?! What are you doing?!" "I'm doing whatever the hell I want to do, Mean Gene! For seven years, I've sat back, and with my heart and soul pounding in my damn chest, I've had to watch that son of a bitch make a joke - a mockery of the sport I make my living in now! He walks the aisle - he says to be the man, you have to beat the man - well he's laying on his back right now! You have been 'Franchised,' Nature Boy. It's the beginning of a long, long road my friend - I fff--hate your stinkin' guts! I've hated you from day one, and now there's nothing stopping me - I heard Vince Russo say it's an open forum - free course! Whatever we want to do!...I'm outta line my ass, I'll leave you with this - you can KISS my ass - and watch me be a Franchise!" I wonder if Flair knew where that interview set was...

(THIS IS) STING v. SID VISCOUS in a Contender's semifinal match - strangely, Sting gets his music...and Vicious gets HIS music and pyro. I guess that kind of continuity can't last for an hour, right? This is the SECOND match all night? Feeling out process....lockup, to the corner, clean break - no, Sid with rights (five). Into the opposite corner, Sting sidesteps the charge, kick, kick, kick, kick, Stinger splash! Off the ropes, clothesline! Sting calls to the crowd. Sting outside - he was gonna run his head into the barricade but Sid decided to pull up and hit the chair with his head instead. Sid with a Golota to turn the tide. Dropping him on the barricade! Almost taking out the cable guy, too. I guess Sid's a heel tonight. Kick. Right. Back into the ring we go - Sid stomps on him. Into the ropes, head down, Sting puts it to the mat - then bounces his head off the mat repeatedly. Off the ropes - splash hits the knees. "Wrong place -




wrong time!" Sid's the MASTER OF IRONY. Stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. MILLION DOLLAR DREAM!! Sting fading...referee "Blind" Nick Patrick checking in - Sting elbowing out - but Sid keeps on the hold - cobra clutch slam! 1, 2, no! Sid to a reverse chinlock. Sting powering up - elbowing out - right, right, right, backhand chop, off the ropes, double clothesline and both men are down. Cue the run-in - THE WALL comes to the ring - all his bleach has been cut off, he's wearing a tank top and he's carrying a table. Sid covers - 1, 2, Sid presses Sting off and onto Patrick. In the corner - Stinger splash! But this one MISSES! Sid has Sting up for the Millennium Bomb - and he hits it! But Wall is in with a chair - whack! Wall takes him outside...and chokeslams him through the table. Security is out too late. Nick Patrick puts on the count - he'll hit ten, I think. (COR 6:17) Let me see if I've gotten this right - eighty minutes of show - two matches - two run-in finishes. The Metallica plays this time, unlike at the beginning when Sting's "moody" theme played.

Your commentary team attempts to give us the impression that we have a good idea of where we're going for Spring Stampede. Ummm, by the end of the night we'll have a WCW World title match and......THAT'S IT. Yeah. Schiavone tells us he has no idea what's coming next...

Hey, THE MAN is out again! "Aw, come on, Douglas - we want more! We want Shane Douglas! Douglas, you made a lifetime outta trying to beat me - tonight, you walk in the back door, you jump me when I wasn't looking, you made a point, but now you pissed me off, Douglas. I'm through reading about it, I'm through hearing about it - Ric Flair is gonna MAKE Shane Douglas tonight, pal - you got your shot - right here - you and me - you can't type it - get on the phone and call somebody - it's gonna happen. And Russo - Russo - remember this: diamonds are forever, pal - woooo! - and so is the Nature Boy. Russo, you got it."

Meanwhile, Hogan continues to rearrange furniture.

Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad

Hogan happens upon Helms & Moore and asks them if they've seen Bischoff. He runs them into a door anyway - a "God dammit" gets muted, but not a "son of a bitch."

Let's Take a Special Video Look at the "Ready to Rumble" premiere - hey, Rena Mero! I smell lawsuit! Ewwww, Jason Hervey AND Chad Damiani in the same frame! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! Looks like David Arquette kabonged Jarrett at that preview - that's entertainment!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. CURT HENNIG in a Contender's match - Jarrett's music doesn't have an "NWO" in front of it, by the way. David Arquette will be at Thunder - they're testing me. I know it. Jarrett decides to meet Hennig in the aisle and it's on. Hudson tells us that Bischoff is in a skybox and Hogan's going to find him. Finally we're in the ring - Jarrett gains control with a hot shot. Let's fast forward to the run-in since I'm OBVIOUSLY wasting my time with play-by-play - well, some music plays - sounds like a ripoff of the Mr. Perfect music (which was a ripoff of...what was it? "Exodus?" "Equus?" I forget) and out walks SEAN STASIAK.



Hudson tells us that he used to be Meat in the WWF - of course, he was ALSO Sean Stasiak in the WWF, but that's not as cool, I guess. Stasiak with a WEAK "Perfect gum swat" but nonetheless, Hennig is distracted, breaking up his Hennigplex attempt on Jarrett. Hennig ends up hitting a back elbow on Jarrett that causes a collision with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson, so Stasiak comes into the ring and there's a right, right, right, into the ropes, got him across his back - well, sort of - struggling to keep from dropping him - and there's the "move he did in the WWF that I've already forgotten the name of." Jarrett covers - Hennig is out of it, I guess because he moves around. Whip into the buckle, there's the Stroke, THERE'S the pin. (4:28) So who will Jarrett take on? I'll tell you in half an hour.

Hulk Hogan storms a skybox and gets muted - no Bischoff there, though

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is WALKING!

Jimmy Barron phones it in - Spring Stampede is Sunday - plenty of good seats still available! Thanks, 1-800-CAL-LATT!

Sting carries the power of the card - hey, who's that Konnan guy?

Kevin Nash talks on his cel who?

Gene O. stands with Sting - he worked his butt off since 1988 - he IS loyalty! It's showtime!

THE MAN v. SHANE DOUGLAS - Flair's still wearing his street clothes - I guess they DID get him to wear a shirt, huh? Douglas comes out to the old Revolution theme - good thing they still had it lying around. HE'S wearing his street outfit. Many months ago, I got an email from an anonymous source that provided compelling evidence that Douglas just wanted ONE shot with Flair so he could legitimately shoot on him and make a reputation. These days, I'm guessing they're both under orders to work it out. Flair gets in some shots, Douglas gets in some BETTER shots, and now we're out of the ring. Flair's head meets the barricade - Douglas with rights - whip into the barricade is reversed, chop, right. Flair opens up Douglas' shirt and chops him - he's got a T on under it, though. Back in the ring. Right. Golota. Flair removes Douglas' T - knife-edge chop - Flair is smiling. Douglas with a right, Flair calling spots, right, eyepoke by Douglas. Douglas' trick knee acts up as well. Standing on the throat. Flair's head to the buckle, right, right, Flair to the eyes - Douglas going outside to shake it off - Flair meets him there - to the barricade. Right by Flair, right, left, right, opening up every orifice in his face, Shane back in the ring, Flair follows, knife-edge chop! Into the rops, short right. Flair going to the face with repeated rights as VIC VENOM hits the ring with a bat in hand - I guess it was too naive of me to think we'd get through one of these without a run-in. Russo goes to Flair's hip (DQ TB-3:03) Another bat shot, a spit, handing off to Douglas and lett him WAIL away on Flair. Russo with crotch chops! Douglas and Russo hug. Douglas says "cocksucker," I believe. Russo takes Flair's Rolex and brandishes it as a trophy. Apparently, Bischoff and Russo are referring to Hogan, Sting et al as "the Millionaire's Club." Russo and Douglas walk off...

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is WALKING! Well... with crutches!



The Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken replay is a buncha bat shots and the liberation of a watch

"Theme from Wolfpac" plays as KEVIN NASH gimps out in his walkin' cast. "Denver, Colorado!" Crowd: "He said Denver!" "Big Sexy in the" Crowd: "House!" "Let me see if I got this right. We got a couple of jackoffs in the back running around deciding whose careers their gonna make and whose their gonna break. And to add insult to injury, these two jackoffs have decided that they're gonna play 'wrestler' and attack the boys. Now granted, after traveling up and down the road the last ten years with Scott Hall, I've lost a coupla brain cells - my question is, what the hell happened to that sweet little rasslin' show we were doin' every Monday? I mean, where in the hell is the Dog when you need him?" Crowd barks - idiots. "You know, Russo, Eazy-E, I'm gonna give you guys an opportunity. I just got off the phone with Scott - you know what? Scott's straight, Scott's sober, and Scott's in a real bad mood. So why don't we cut to the chase, boys. You know what? The way I look at it - neither one of you two guys would be here right now if it wasn't for Scott and I. Russo, you know for a fact Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, when you were in the World Wrestling Federation, saved you from being decapitated from Shawn Michaels on numerous occasions. And you, Eazy-E, if it wasn't for the Outsiders, there'd have been no NWO, and you know what - you'd still be bringing Verne Gagne coffee up in Minnesota!" Tony: "We're shootin' here!" Har har har. "You guys want us out? You want me out? Hey, buddy - you two guys, it's real simple. But if you're gonna come down here, bring your bat, bring your chair - most importantly, bring your BALLS." Well, lookee here. It's AWESOME MIKE AWESOME come out to beat down Nash. The interesting thing about this appearance is the fact that to most of the people who would have been shocked by this, it had already been leaked thanks to Bubba the Love Sponge - to most of the rest of the world, it's "huh? Who the heck is this guy?" When Hudson and Schiavone go to great lengths to tell us he's the ECW World Heavyweight Champion, the prevailing question is "What's ECW?" Never mind that they WERE the #2 fed, wink wink. Awesome breaks a crutch over Nash's back. Now HE'S got the mic. Hey, you can't show that middle finger on this show! "When I heard Bischoff and Russo were back in the saddle here at WCW, I knew this was just too suh-weeeeet of an opportunity to pass up!" "Asshole" chant is muted - sorta.

Meanwhile, Hogan is on his phone asking to get his attorneys on it - something's up with Kidman. As for Bischoff, he's going to "eat his ass alive" - ewwww. Hogan spies the camera and tells them to step off - whoa, he noticed! Hogan closes the door of his limo...

And we cut to another shot of .... of ..... of ..... of ....

...of a white Hummer running into Hogan's limo.

And Bischoff and Billy Kidman get out! Bischoff says something about the man with the white Hummer while Kidman spits on the limo - a high ten is exchanged and they get back in to drive off...

See the superstars of WCW live tomorrow night in Colorado Springs for Thunder, Sunday for Spring Stampede in Chicago, next Monday in Rockford for Nitro, and tix on sale Friday for Nitro in Birmingham and Thunder in Memphis!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where a white Hummer...yup.

We see Hogan loaded up on a gurney - Bischoff and Kidman appear to yuk it up while Kidman spraypaints "NB" (New Blood) in red on his nice (formerly) white shirt.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Kimbrrly) v. (THIS IS) STING in a Contender's match - Tony says TNT cleared them to go until 10:30 - aww geez, there's ANOTHER half hour of this show? What's the heck is left after this match? Sting comes out to Metallica. Before the match starts, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out to, no doubt, kabong somebody to affect the outcome of this match. Jarrett takes third headset.



Lockup, Page with an arm wringer, driving the shoulder, into the ropes, Diamond Cutter attempt is shoved off and Page flies through the ropes to the outside. Lockup, side headlock by Page, into the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, Sting ducks, gutshot, off the ropes with a face plant. Page in the corner, Sting with the Stinger splash! Going for another - and hitting it! Scorpion Deathlock coming up - Page has the bottom rope, though. Page holding his back when we look back at the ring. Back in the ring. A little talk between the two of them - simultaneous rights - Sting gets the last right - hard into the corner - Page ducks a clothesline and hits a belly-to-belly for 2. Sting over with a hard right. Clotheslining him out of the ring - Jarrett is talking to Kimberly at this point, so Page happens to spy this and work on Jarrett. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay goes out to break this up, and IN the ring, VAMPIRO took out Sting with...something we missed. Here's the Nail in the Coffin. Well, I guess we can at least retire "brothers in paint." Page gets back in the ring. Now I ask you: of Jarrett vs. Sting or Jarrett vs. Page, which matchup would YOU want headlining Spring Stampede for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship? Diamond Cutter by Page - cover - 1, 2, 3. Yeah, I would have said Jarrett vs. Sting as well - that's why I'm not a booker. (3:42) For an encore, Jarrett hits the ring post-match and kabongs...Kimberly. 'cause Page ducked. Oops. Let's take a break!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Jeff Jarrett Did a Bad, Bad Thing. During the Break, Page carried off his wife in his arms

Backstage, Bischoff and Russo tell Jarrett that the fans are CLAMOURING for him.

So let's bring out JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET one more time. "That's right - six days - six days and counting until the Chosen One realises his destiny! Six days until the Chosen One gets to show who has ALL the stroke around this place! Six days until Spring Stampede - when I am crowned the NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion. And Page - this Sunday, if you wanna bring your wife back along, there's gonna be a REAL man in the ring who can show her some MORE *wood*." DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE hits the ring (with music) and wails away on Jarrett - here comes BIG POPPA PUMP - HE goes down. Finally, Steiner gets a clubbing forearm from behind when Page goes back to Jarrett. Here comes THE NARCISSIST to help out Page. BUFF IS THE STUFF is out . VAMPIRO - THE WALL - so it's five "New Blood" guys and two "Millionaire's Club" guys - let's bring out (THIS IS) STING, who cleans house as the New Blood attacks black ninja style - and speaking of black ninjas, here come BOOKA T. and THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL fighting on the same side - against Sting. Well that's just sad. At least Booker got his T. back, I guess. Cat starts dancing - huh? Crowd chants for Goldberg, but doesn't get him - so they boo instead. Here come VIC VENOM & CRACKA EAZY-E. They give kudos to the men posing in the ring - then exchange a handshake. But behind them stands BRET CLARKE...whoops, credits are up and we're out.

Ohhhh, so when I thought Tony said they were cleared to ten THIRTY, I must have misheard and it was really ten THIRTEEN!

So what have we got?

Jarrett vs. Page.

Good luck, guys. I think you'll need it. Me, I'm saving my REAL opinions until I find out what happens on Thunder...

[slash] wrestling



Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications