/12 June 2000
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WCW logo - it's not just for breakfast
TV-14-DL - Clips from yesterday's PPV - yeah, I said "clips," not "stills." Close captioned logo. Hogan/Kidman, Flair/Flair, Jarrett/Nash...and Goldberg...oh, and Goldberg
Outside the Arena, we see a limousine (with police escort!) pull up. And exiting said limo...Vince Russo & Eric Bischoff (mit cigaren) ...and Goldberg. Goldberg don't smoke, though.
WE ARE LIVE from the legendary Richmond Colesium in Richmond, VA 12.6.2K and here's some pyro and there's some people. This portion of the show is brought to you by Western Union Money Transfer!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON, and - WHOA! Hudson is one HAIRY mofo. He's topless tonight, yet still wearing a tie...apparently, last week Hudson made an apology for the audience having to see Russo sans shirt, and his current wardrobe choice is a punishment for that crack. I think the ratings just slipped another .1. MAN that's one WHITE dude. I guess it's true what they say about not having it up top...it just spreads all over the rest of your body. Okay, that's enough white male bashing. Tonight, an update of Sting's condition! More on the surprise that Vince McMahon couldn't do a THING about!
Speaking of which, here come VIC VENOM & CRACKA EAZY E to "Theme from NWO Monday Nitro." I'm sure they'll waste NO TIME telling us how great it was that they swerved us all or something. "He's the man! Oh yeah! But *I* know how to deliver a surprise, don't I. I told ya! It was gonna be a big one! And DAMN he's a big one. But you know, it shouldn't be a surprise to anybody - oh, shut up, lady please - nice language, nice language - it shouldn't be a surprise to anybody because Bill Goldberg and I (and Bill Goldberg and the New Blood) have so much in common. Do you know, all the time that Bill Goldberg was out, all the guys like Hogan, and Nash, and Sting, and Diamond Dallas Page and Lex Luger - all they could talk about was now they got their spots back. You see, each and every one of them knew from the moment Bill Goldberg stepped into WCW that HE was the future of the company, not them! So all I ever heard was how shallow Bill Goldberg was, how much of a team player Goldberg wasn't - well, Bill Goldberg proved to ALL of us last night that he is indeed THE team player of all team players and he's on our team! And oh one more thing, when I was talking to Bill, he made it very clear to me that UNLIKE me who feels nothing but love for each and every one of you people, he's sick of your crap - he's sick of your autographs, he's sick of you wannabes. He realises it's nothing but a waste of his time - so he came back to me, the one person he knew he could trust becuase I was there for Bill Goldberg before he was Goldberg! And if you don't believe me, why don't you just hear it from THE man, himself!" The music fires up and out strides I'M BILL AGAIN. Goldberg waits for the boos. "Don't ask me why! The question is: why the hell not? You know every cutthroat in the back has tried to knife me. And while I was out with this injury, you people did nothing but cheer every last damn one of 'em. So I hold YOU just as responsible as I do them. So what did Goldberg do? Goldberg signed a deal with the devil. They get what they want - I get what I want. And that's me standin' over every last son of a bitch who tried to screw me. So I got two words for ya." Crowd: "SUCK IT!" "Fear this!" Before he can add "and that's the bottom line," the theme from Wolfpac fires up and KEVIN NASH walks out. "You know, Goldberg...that's about all that (shit) I can listen to, you know that? Poor, pitiful Bill. These people are tired of listening to your (shit). You stupid son of a bitch, you don't even know who made you." "I made me!" "Since you walked in the door, this company's given you everything on a silver platter. You think you made Goldberg? Bischoff, you think you made Goldberg? You know who made Goldberg? Sting made Goldberg! Scott Hall made Goldberg! Hulk Hogan made Goldberg! Ric Flair made Goldberg! Kevin Nash made Goldberg! I had plans tonight...but you know what? I've got one thing I gotta do before I leave the building, and I'm not leaving this building without your blood on my hands..." Nash tries to fight through the wall of COPS that came out with R&B, but you can't assault officers lest you wanna get cuffed. Russo tells them to cuff him, but then changes his mind. "Hold on! Hold on. I don't want this piece of crap arrested - I want him released into my custody, because Nash, what I'm looking for tonight is ratings - big ratings - and we're gonna deliver, you son of a bitch! Because in that ring tonight, it's gonna be YOU and it's gonna be the monster Goldberg you son of a bitch! I'll see you later!" Russo's looking for big ratings - I'll BET he is.
Jerry Flynn made Goldberg! Johnny Attitude made Goldberg! Len Denton made Goldberg! Flyboy Rocco Fock made Goldberg! Jerry Flynn made Goldberg! Steve "Mongo" McMichael made Goldberg! Jerry Flynn made Goldberg! Jerry Flynn made Goldberg! Jerry Flynn made Goldberg!
Did The Rick REALLY say this was the FIRST time Goldberg was a heel? Next thing you know, he'll say that the four second match between the Rock and Big Boss Man didn't take place at Survivor Series '98, not to mention the Mr. Backlund/Diesel EIGHT second MSG title match!
LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN made Goldberg!
Promotional consideration paid for by Aqua Velva's IceSport, Slim Jim (Savage), Super Soaker, America (ha!) Online, Motel 6 7/8, and IceSport (again) from Aqua Velva
In the halls, Jeff Jarrett and Cat are WALKING! in opposite
directions - Jarrett pokes Cat with his guitar and tells him he wants
Hogan's title shot TONIGHT, not at Bash at the Beach. Cat tells him if he
plays a little B.B. King on the guitar, he'll get the shot.
I GET LETTERS: Cory McGuire has a future writing recaps: I will never again watch a minute of WCW programming. Why? I'll tell you why. Not because of the big surprise or lack there of. Because of a small inconsequential moment on Nitro last night.
Now I don't watch much anyway. Never more than the first hour and hardly even that. But during tonights show I happened to have it on during Jeff Jarrett and the Cats little conversation setting up the title match.
While I was entranced by their polished acting techniques my eye wondered down to the cup in the Cat's hand. A clear plastic cup. An EMPTY clear plastic cup. My mind quickly retraced the last few minutes and I realized the Cat had probably spilled the contents of the cup on himself when he and Jarrett collided. I looked at the Cat's wardrobe. Nope, Dry.
And then the Cat takes a drink out of the EMPTY CLEAR PLASTIC CUP. I turned the channel. The people watching with me brought up the point that it was a minor thing. To which I said "that's the whole point. They do something that stupid with a small detail and we're surprised when they fuck up something major. I quit."
For a company that doesn't like to insult the audience's intelligence. They sure enjoy treating me like a 3 year old blind retard.
Moments Ago, Nash was maced - I guess. Did Russo KISS Nash? Did Nash spit on Russo? I must have missed that live while I was trying to remember Len Denton's name.
Coming back live, Nash is loaded into a police car as a distraught youngster looks on. Russo starts talking directly to the child - until Scott Steiner runs into the picture and chases Russo away. Apparently, the kid is Steiner's nephew - man, Steiner really coldcocked him with a forearm on his way to Russo...oh, that was probably an accident. Hey, if that kid is Scott's nephew, does that make him Rick's son? No? Oh.
Back to our commentators - oh, it's *Nash's* nephew. Gotcha. Tonight: Jarrett/Hogan for the WCW title! Hmm, I wonder who wins THAT match. Tonight: will Russo retire Ric Flair? Hey, lookit somebody try REALLY hard to keep his mouth shut - it's working!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where the Mamalukes helped Eric Bischoff take the hardcore title from Terry Funk - Bischoff would go on to retire undefeated, handing the belt over to Big Vito sometime before Thunder.
WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: BIG VITO v. TERRY FUNK - Johnny the Bull says something about a cheese sandwich and Vito locks him in a locker room - fortunately, the mic is on the other side of the door, so we hear him clear as a bell. Funk says something about showing him what hardcore's all about - your garden variety garbage can, garage door, keg, forklift match ensues. Okay, they didn't actually USE the forklift. Cameo by a security guy - Funk chairs HIM, too. The chase is on - down a hallway we go - garbage can! Garbage can! Man, those empty five gallon water bottles must HURT! Socker bopper! Break the table! Through the doors we go, up some stairs and out to the unsold seats behind the "DJ Ran position." Funk into a Nitro Grrl cage - punches traded. Funk doing the crazy man dangle - then falling through some tables behind the stage. Nitrovision switches to a test pattern. Punch, punch. Vito with a chair, a kick, we're walking down the aisle in an attempt to actually hit the ring - oops, Funk fell on the floor - he ain't movin'. Our first Golota of the night, by Funk. Table put against the ring. Vito with a knee, head to the table, again, again, again. Funk molests referee "Blind" Jamie Techer while staggering around. Vito connects with the chair after Funk misses his wild swingin' punches. Vito on the apron - Funk piledriven through the table - that'll do it - 1, 2, 3. (6:13) Funk back in the ring and he's got the title belt...don't tell me he's gonna offer the Hand of Friendship - yup. Vito and Funk are friends now...d'oh! Benoit just waffled Hardy with the title! Benoit - err - Vito - Funk - oh, whatever.
Cat is WALKING! He's drawn the "spend the entire show looking for somebody" straw tonight! And he's looking for Hogan!
Meineke brings you the close captioning - if you get bored, hit mute and try to read along!
Somewhere backstage, Vampiro talks to - whozzat, King Curtis? The
Higher Power? Emperor Palpatine? The guy providing La Parka's dubbed
voice? THE UNDERTAKER? "Sullivan....." Okay, serious now. Vampiro says
"It's over - the icon known as Sting is no more. It's done." "No - last
night was just the first chapter. Tonight, it continues. There are still
more souls to be punished...and purified." "No, listen WAIT! Listen - we
had a deal, okay? This is done - this is over!" "I'll tell you when it's
over." Okay, sitting on a throne, hood, looking for souls to purify....no
sir, no joke HERE.
Meanwhile, at the police car, Nash asks Steiner to take care of his nephew. His nephew is named HUNTER? Did Nash not see Steiner coldcock him earlier? Oh, no, of course not...he was maced. Geez, I gotta answer EVERYTHING?
THE FRANCHISE and BUFF IS THE STUFF v. KRONYKK - Let Us Take You Back Last Night and see Wall fall through two tables - they SWEAR it's three, but you and I know better. I'm gonna speculate that the deal was that VERY first table that Wall fall over instead of through was supposed to count as one, only they didn't redo the spot and nobody told the commentators to cover for them. Hell, the commentators SWORE it was a best of nine for the entire first HALF of the match. I think people gotta learn that sometimes it's OKAY to tell them ahead of time what's going on so they can CALL it correctly. Especially when what's happening ends up NOT MAKING SENSE. By the way, there is no "Shane Douglas" anymore - he's the Franchise, dammit. I thought I heard a D-Von Dudley impersonation before Franchise started talking. Franchise tells us how great he is, then tells us his partner is back, and tonight they'll start kicking asses and taking names. Buff comes out, cues his pyro and slaps his knees like it's just the DAMNED funniest thing anybody's EVER seen. Buff was suspended, of course, for smacking around a member of the crew. Buff takes the mic and tells us that he's buff and he's the stuff, then calls out "calonic - a real pain in the ass!" Kronic have some goofy metal-plated sleevless trenchcoats and the old Thunder lasers. Hulk Hogan gets his world title match at the top of the hour! Finish sees Bagwell hit the Buff Blockbuster on Clarke, only to have Franchise blind tag before he can go for the pin. Going for the fishermanbuster but Adams breaks up the attempt with a gutshot - Bagwell comes in and gets a full nelson slam by Adams for his troubles. Marijuana Is Good slam on Franchise and Clarke covers for the pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Post-match, Bagwell helps up Franchise, who shoves him. A brief discussion ensues - Franchise' right hand has the international object - Bagwell calls to the crowd, who take his side. Franchise agrees and they slap hands, but when Bagwell turns his back, Franchise SWERVES!! him. Franchise beats down on Bagwell. "You son of a bitch! I carried your baggage for thirty days! Because of you, I got screwed with for thirty days! You just got your ass Franchised, Buff! Welcome back!"
Cat asks Doug Dillinja if he's seen Hogan - nope, Hogan hasn't arrived yet. Cat says he's gonna take a chair...and sit down and wait for Hogan. OH BOY! They better hurry, RAW starts in twenty minutes!
GENE O. works tonight! He stands backstage with Kidman, who says they'll need a special referee for the title match...
Earlier Today, there was a very special press conference, where Paisley announced that "the Artist formerly known as Prince Iaukea from this day forward shall be known only as the Artist!" Ummm, the chyron had already managed to make that change MONTHS ago. Oh well. Paisley is shocked when the General appears from under the table. He just wanted some pie! And he produces a pie.
Paisley slaps him and he and the pie fall on the
table. Paisley declares the press conference over. Heh heh heh...pie.
Yuk yuk yuk! PIE!! BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
MISFITS IN ACTION v. THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) - thanks to an inspiration from Mabrus, I can now reveal that the last name of "Pops" is actually *Sabona*. Rection takes the mic and tells Artist that he put his hands on the wrong soldier when he messed with his grandfather. Paisley says the Artist will only accept the challenge of the "Nitwits in Action" if it involves a Cruiserweight title shot with Lt. Loco. Morrus accepts - then, realising he needs to talk into a microphone, takes a mic and accepts again. So now the CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE graphic pops up and we've got a singles match, but with six other folks on the outside, I can't help but think we just MIGHT get some outside interference in this matchup. Commentators do a lot of talking about Sting being set on fire, but we'll NEVER see it on TV - unless we spring for the encore presentation. Guns in the ring and removing her shirt...well, now Paisley is in. Guns kicks Paisley in the 'nads - no, wait - and that ends THAT portion of the outside interference - Artist catches Loco with a dropkick as his back is turned - 1, 2, no. Into the corner, boot up by Loco, tornado DDT, g'night. In what has to be considered a major upset, a champion retains his title! (2:25) Somebody actually says "What a great cruiserweight champion Lt. Loco is turning out to be! He's wrestling better every day - he's bringing action back to the cruiserweight division!" Two years ago, Chavo was cheating to win for Uncle Eddie and was a HELL of a lot more entertaining. Also, his matches were a lot longer than two and a half minutes. Also there wasn't any outside interference. Also they had *actual wrestling* in the match. Also, Nitro's ratings were much better. Also, Larry Zbyszko and Bobby Heenan were doing *just fine* on colour commentary. AND JERRY FLYNN MADE GOLDBERG!! Pops tries to "revive" Paisley but he's pulled off before she has to recoil.
Outside the arena, a limousine arrives - Ric Flair, wife, daughters and Reid are out...and they're WALKING!! Walking right by Cat, in fact - he's waiting for Hogan, you see...
Meanwhile, Russo presents some women to Goldberg - who brushes them off ("I thought this was business!") so Russo sends them away. "Get out of here! I thought this was business!"
I GET LETTERS: Lyon writes: The thing Russo is trying to do with truning goldberg heel is recreating the steve austin's debut era, with two washed up babyfaces at the top ( Nash and Hogan) just like Bret was at the time. He wants to make Goldberg a bigger star down the road, taking the usual path of heeldom. But the thing is WWF could get rid of Bret Hart, but are stuck with Hogan and Nash. Could be interesting to show this letter instead of your repetitive letters of anti-wwf whiners.
Could be - then again...could be NOT.
When we come back....Cat is STILL waiting. Briefly, he shares screen time with the TV-14-DL ratings box. Finally, the Dodge Charger pulls up and Cat greets Hogan as he exits. Cat tells him he doesn't have to wait for Bash at the Beach; he can give him the title shot in ten minutes. Hogan tells "Cat-mandu" he'll take him up on that. Suddenly, into the picture pops El Kabong! Jarrett breaks a gee-tar over Hogan..then the camera pans over to catch Horace on the remains of a table and wearing some...oh, GREAT - spray paint
VIC VENOM & DAVID FLAIR hit the ring as We Are Taken Back To Last Monday Where Ric Chopped Russo's Chest Into Hamburger. "Settle down, it's true, I'm here in person. Calm down, relax. Now first of all, David..." "Russo Sux" chant - I think Vince is gettin' a chubby! "First of all, David, from father to son I wanna tell you I am very proud of the performance that you put in last night. You made me proud, David, and I want all you people right now to show David Flair the respect for that match he put on last night! I love you, David. Now I came out here for one reason, and that reason is...that I am SICK and tired of being everybody's punching bag lately! I am not going to take it - I am from New York, dammit! I mean lookit these arms - lookit these guns - I ain't takin' it no more! Kevin Nash kicks me in the gut - Scott Steiner, I'm runnin' over cars - it ends right here, TONIGHT! And it ends tonight in Richmond with the Nature Boy Ric Flair! Flair...I am not a damn lamb chop, you will not chop Vince Russo again! I'm out here and I'm gonna have a stroke or I'm gonna have a heart attack before I end it - and Flair, I'm ending it tonight. Because I don't care what it takes, I said it last night,
in front of these
inbreds, I am going to retire you! ME personally! So, old man, bring your
ass out here now!" Here comes THE
all smiles. "Woooo! This is not
New York, numb nuts, it's Richmond Virginia pal! Wooo! And this time, I
got all the cards, because you're record all of a sudden is two and one,
last night Ric Flair redeemed himself, I'm a free woooo man again! And
Russo, you better start jumpin' on someone else, 'cause if you jump on me
again, you'll get hurt next time, not just chopped." "Flair, I hate you!
I hate you Flair!" "Awww...hey, I got it - I got it - I know what's wrong
- last night, your wife looked at you and said 'you sure ain't Space
Mountain!' Is that what she said? Wooo! What do you want? David, let's
go home, buddy, it's over. Let's go home. Hey, Russo! Russo! You ain't
NEEEEEVER gonna be Space Mountain, David, let's go home it's over. Come on
Dave - how bad you want it Russo?" "I want it bad! I'll do anything you
want to do!" Flair says if he beats him tonight, he'll become the boss -
him and Bischoff, they get along great! Also, he takes his son back - then
they shave Russo's head. On the other hand, if he dies tonight, he'll
retire. Err, maybe I heard that wrong. No, that's what he said. "If I die
here tonight, *I* retire. You're coming home with me, and then we're gonna
shave your Yankee head, pal." Flair's music starts up and everybody has to
talk until they shut it off. Russo appeals for calm. "Are we talking
about a little trim off the back?" "What I'm gonna do is retire you, take
your job, take my son, and shave your head and your ass. Woooo!" "Hold
on, hold on - a New Yorker doesn't back down from anybody, punk, especially
in front of these Richmond f(????). So here's the deal - shut your mouth -
here's the deal. You are on tonight, under one condition. As father and
son, we do everything together, handicap style. What do you say, punk?"
"I say, I'm gonna go back in the dressing room, get Reid, and we're gonna
kick your ass again!" "Let's do it!"
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Nitro for Men - get it at Perfumania, 1-800-BAR-NONE, Corn Nuts, Targon, America (ha!) Online (again), Aqua Velva's Ice Sport (3), and JERRY FLYNN MADE GOLDBERG!!
You know, I'm thinking they might have been LYING about that "top of the hour" bit
Split screen shows a pair of pensive poses - Goldberg on a comfy sofa, Nash in some comfy cuffs in the back seat of a cop car
BILLY KIDMAN comes out in the zebra shirt - he's the special guest referee, you see. The retroactive storyline is that Kidman knew all along he couldn't trust Horace...and he was right. Therefore Kidman is kind and good and we should all cheer him, or something. Thing was, it was *Torrie* that cost Kidman the match...oops, I've already forgotten and the commentators are making PERFECT sense
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. YOU KNOW WHO for the World Heavyweight championship - Jarrett, who enters first because he ain't Hogan, takes the mic and asks Kidman to ring the bell and count to ten, then award him the match and find him some new competition for the Bash. The NWO porno music fires up, though, and as Hogan walks out let's look at some stills of the clips we opened the show with. The match begins, cutting the storytelling short. Hogan with a right, knocking Jarrett down. Back up, another right, down, up, right, down, off the ropes, clothesline. Right, rightrightrightrightrightrightright. AND NOW THE 'DO RAG COMES OFF! Stuffed in jarrett's mouth. Right, weak chop, right, into the opposite corner, clothesline, standing on the neck, choke, Kidman putting on a rather light five count. Hogan stares at him. Hogan with a right. Right. Jarrett put through the ropes. And now the weight belt is off! A mighty swing - WHIP! Hogan chokes Jarrett with the belt and they walk around a bit. Head to the barricade. Hogan choking him again. Kidman now outside to ask them to take it back to the ring. Why is Hogan bleeding? Jarrett hasn't done a THING in this match...ohh yeah, there was a guitar attack before the match...Jarrett put into the STEEL steps, WHIP! Boot, face rake, right, right, right, a full lap completed, Jarrett is put back in the ring and he stomps away on Hogan as he comes back in - all sorts of rights, Kidman telling him to open up the fist. Right, right, right, right, Jarrett climbs to the second rope, but he's not Hogan, so his Ten Punch Count Along stops at four...when Kidman pulls him off. (Eh?) Brief discussion ensues while Hogan FINALLY notices his own blood.
NOW he's mad, baby! Right! Right! Right! Off the ropes with a big
clothesline and Jarrett goes outside - Hogan follows. Whip into the
barricade is reversed. Jarrett grabs a chair and puts the point of it into
his abdomen. Another chair to the gut. Ready to swing it...but Kidman
pulls it away (!), tosses it to Hogan (!) who WHACKS Jarrett across the
back with it. Another WHACK. Kidman should DQ him, right? We look to the
entryway to see VIC VENOM & COLD
standing and staring. Hogan ready to
finish it. Right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, Goldberg starts
to walk down the aisle, legdrop. Cover - Kidman 1, 2, Goldberg slips on
his way in but STILL manages to touch Hogan's boots - I mean, pull him off.
Goldberg ready to spear Hogan - Kidman standing between them and waving his
arms wildly - Goldberg decides to go ahead and spear Kidman - then throws
him over the top rope to the floor with basically one arm! Wow! Here's a
spear for Hogan. Russo produces a table and, after some difficulty with
the legs and the ropes, brings it into the ring with Jarrett's help -
here's a jackhammer through the table! Jarrett has the spray paint and
tags Hogan. GI BRO comes out and Russo takes Goldberg (and himself) out of
the ring. The EMT's come out as we go to break.
Hmm, I guess we'll call it (no contest 6:21 or so)
Thunder ad features Goldberg destroying the New Blood - oops - sigh
The 1-800-COL-LECT replay sees Kidman helping out Hulk Hogan with a chair - holy crap, that's a TERRIBLE angle of Goldberg spearing Kidman, showing him slip and slide on his way there. Clumsy him! MUCH better spear on Hogan, yo.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out to "whatever" it up. "Kill it. You know, one of the boys asked me in the back, he said 'DDP, what are you walking out there with a lemon for?' And I told him, I said because when I get done doin' this interview, I'm gonna go have me a beer, and I like to put some lemon in my beer, so let's do this. You know, my whole life people have been telling me I can't. 'You're gonna do what? You're gonna become a professional wrestler? You crazy? You can't become a professional wrestler at 35 years old!' 'You wanna what? You wanna someday work the main event? You can't work the main event, boy - you started too late!' Ahhh. But my favourite one is 'You will never - and I mean EVER - become the Heavyweight Champion of the World.'" Page points to the "Whatever" on his shirt. Page starts to talk about how, coming up, there was a guy who almost half-hearted believed in him as a wrestler - Eric Bischoff. As if on cue, the "NWO Monday Nitro" theme cued up and out walked CRACKA EAZY-E, along with KIMBRRLY and CHRIS KANYON. Page isn't done talking - he turns to his wife - not only was she beautiful, she was his best friend. She didn't believe in Page the wrestler, she believed in Page the person. He talks about all the good times, and Kim furrows her brow. "Back then, you were a real woman. Back then...well, you gave me so much that alls I wanted to do was give back, and that brings me to you, Chris. Kanyon, of all the guys I ever helped in this business, you're the one guy I actually took under my wing. You're the one guy I actually taught the things to you that were taught to me by my mentors Jodie Hamilton, Dusty Rhodes, and Jake 'the Snake' Roberts. What they taught me, I taught to you, but I also taught you things about me, about turning negatives into positives, and it doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you pick yourself up again. Well after last night, I don't feel like gettin' back up again, and....after the question Tenay hit me with, he said 'Page, you ever think *you* were the problem?' Ay, maybe I was the problem - who knows, who cares. Bottom line is this, this business right here has cost me my health, my friends, and my wife, and if it comes down to working with people like you, Bischoff...screw you, it ain't worth it." Bischoff stops his crocodile tears and looks Page's way as he exits the ring and walks out through the crowd ('cause he's a suck-up). Bischoff tries to talk, but his mic isn't working...
Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Nitro hits Montana next week - look for the Unabomber's good friends and other assorted militia men!
Commentators talk about Page. Tony hypes "Reload," which is
on...well, I wasn't paying attention. After the pay-per-view, maybe. Eh,
I don't care.
Commentators turn their attention to Sting. We look at some stills, but there ain't NO WAY you'll see the burning stuntman unless you buy the encore presentation!
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO hits the ring. He's gonna reform the Dungeon of Doom! Bring on Braun the Leprechaun! "You didn't think it was gonna happen, didja? Well last night I ruined Sting's life. I set another human being on fire and I don't have one ounce of remorse in my body. Sting, for the rest of your life, when a loved one looks at you and sees your scars, or you look in the mirror and you can't wake up from this nightmare, and you scream like a little BITCH, you're gonna remember me. But Richmond, that's just the start. The good news is...the nightmare is just beginning. You see, I know I'm going to hell, and that's very cool with me. I'm all right with that. But the question I got...is who's got the (balls) to come along with me?" Sounds like SOMEBODY needs to discover Jesus! Say, wait, Sting's born again, right? Some familiar music plays, and...
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO v. DEMON - Demon does his Dragon impersonation pre-match. I hear Sting is trying on Kane masks even as we speak. Funniest sign last night: "VAMPIRO YOU OWE ME" A punch here, a kick there, a chop there, and I'm gonna sit here and watch this until the run-in. Well, flash forward to a battle up the ramp - leaving him laying, Vampiro scales the scaffolding of the Turnertron, cues some pyro on either side of Demon, then leaps off the scaffold onto Demon (yikes!), apparently destroying his right arm in the process, as we see lots of blood under his armpit for an instant. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay calls for the bell (DCOR? 2:07) and we quickly cut to
Steiner leaves Kevin Nash's nephew with Shakira - now he and Midajah are WALKING!
In the dressing room, Vince Russo gets all cowardly on us and worries about his ass getting shaved. David promises him that won't happen. Then we hear the disembodied voice of the floor director. "Okay. Clear."
As Page's music plays again, "POSITIVELY" KANYON (and Kimbrrly) hit the ring. Kanyon carries a copy of "Positively Page" that's been altered. Kimberly announces that she now has an officially licensed product - "Positively MEEEEEE - the cologne for ladies." MSRP: $395 a bottle. Madden promptly offers to buy it - presumably, 'cause he can't get *close* enough to a woman to smell her. God, Kimberly's such an awful actress. Okay, time for Kanyon to explain his unbelievably surprising turn that NOBODY *didn't* see coming... "When I was in the hospital recovering from my *spinal cord injury* (wink), you people believed it. Don't you feel dumb now? When I was in the hospital, Eric Bischoff came to me and told me all I had to do to become a star, to get DDP's spot, was to turn on him and take him out, and that's exactly what I did last night! (Hudson: And get breast implants.) But now that DDP has taken his ball and gone home, I want more than his spot, I'm gonna take over his life. I'm gonna use his music, I'm gonna come out here with his lovely wife, Kimberly, and every chance I get, I'm gonna plug my book, Positively Kanyon." It DOES look funny, though.
Kanyon announces a special book signing
tomorrow at the New Jersey Port Authority. "But most importantly, I'm
gonna take back the move *I* gave DDP - the move that made him a star, and
I'm gonna debut it here tonight, so if there's any jabrone hangin' out by
the curtain, send him out so that I can debut my new move - the Diamond
"POSITIVELY" KANYON v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Midajah 1 & 2) (for the United States Heavyweight Championship?) - "Kanyon, you come out here with Page's wife, and you act like it's a big deal. Why don't you tell me who HASN'T been with that bitch? You wanna Diamond Cut somebody, get your ass in here boy." Hey, shouldn't this take place in the Asylum? Kanyon *does* hit the Diamond Cutter...on referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Kimberly takes off as Steiner destroys Kanyon. I wonder if she'll bring back...yep, there's AWESOME MULLET. Awesome and Kanyon doubleteam on Steiner until ... sure, why not have KRONYKK make the save. Makes PERFECT sense. Kronic chase off Awesome and Kanyon - then asks Kimberly very politely to please step aside so that they could chase after them through the crowd. Then, for no reason, we see MISS HANCOCK appear on the other side of the railing.
I GET LETTERS: David Flexer brings the noise:
I guess she's gonna bring out Los Fabulosos to give Kimberly what for...oh, no, wait. In the ring we go - Kimberly asking Hancock to remove her glasses, 'cause she wouldn't hit a girl with glasses...ohh! Spraying her with the cologne! The sweet smell of Arrogance fills the ring as Kimberly runs Hancock's face all over the top rope. Well, let's call it (no contest around 3:30)
Ric and Reid are WALKING!
Meanwhile, David and Russo are WALKING!
YOW! A Shaft marathon Tuesday night! I can dig it!
PAMELA PAULSHOCK interviews - well, stands nearby as Scott Steiner grabs the mic and tells Bischoff & Russo that he's gonna find 'em and it's not gonna be a pretty sight when he sticks his boot up their mute. "Where's Hunter?" D'oh, Shakira JUST lost him....
VIC VENOM & DAVID FLAIR v. THE MAN & REID FLEIHR - Ric brandishes some clippers for our benefit on his way to the ring. Looks like David and Ric will start. Special shot of a Statue of Liberty - oh, well, I wonder how THIS match will end. Sigh...well, let's watch and find out. Ric gutshot, chop, into the corner, ripping off David's shirt, chop, right, chop, woooo, chop, into the opposite corner- FLAIR FLIP! - oops, David forgot to go over the top, and just falls in the ring, instead. Russo in the ring, Flair over to meet him and there's a gutshot - a Golota for david. Flair's got Russo - chop! But Russo's got one of the Rock's warmup jackets on and no-sells it with a Lugeresque "lion roaring" pose. Flair rips open the jacket, revealing a catcher's chest protector. Flair relieves him of it, then rips off his shirt - chop! Russo goes down to the mat. "One more?" Crowd roars, Flair chops. Boot to the head for David. Into the ropes, big back body drop. David put in the corner, chop, vertical suplex, woooo, figure four coming up - and there we are. Russo comes in with the bat - whack! Whack! Whack! Choke with the bat. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson is powerless to stop him with the relaxed rules of WCW - but maybe Reid can get something done! Waistlock - David pull shim off of Russo, who goes back to using the bat. "Beth, bring your cute little ass in here - this is the last chance you're gonna have." BETH actually comes up to the ring as Russo grabs the Statue of Liberty. Beth in the ring as R&B SECURITY come in. "This is your last chance to jump on my bandwagon. I will bring you to a place that Space Mountain never..." and he stomps on him again. Russo hands her the Statue of Liberty and asks her to finish him. "Do it!" Beth looks at Ric - at Vince - Vince grabs the statue from her, which *disintegrates* in his hand (oops - Beth's got quite a grip there!), then pretends to "break" it over his head. Choking away now, slappping - R&B holding back ASHLEY, who hits the ring to try to make the save. Whoa! That top's gonna come RIGHT off!! David's got Ric in the figure four...and now MEGHAN's at ringside, and throws in a towel. (4:03) Wow, Russo's gut is bigger than mine!
Crowd actually chanting "Hogan." David and Russo grab the clippers
and ... shave ... Ric's head. Now they're shearing Reid as well. Russo
gets SMACKED in the head with a drink.
Kevin Nash's cuffs are getting unlocked. He's next!
During the Break, Russo actually unbuckled his pants and PISSED ALL OVER Ric Flair! Really! I wouldn't just make that up, would I?
Moments Ago, they actually shaved Ric Flair's head. Geez. Hey Ric, don't come back. You're too good for this dump.
KEVIN NASH (with TV-14-DL ratings box) v. COLD BEER (with the Filthy Animals, the Mamalukes, Shane Douglas, Perfectshawn Stasiak and the Event Chuck Palumbo) - we're already five minutes over as the entrances start. Nash with a right as Goldberg enters the ring. Goldberg with a right. Right! Nash comes back with a right! Goldberg with a right! Right! Right! Right! Knee! Right! Into the ropes is reversed, big boot by Nash! Goldberg goes to the outside and smiles and sneers at Nash. Did they just call him Nikita Koloff? Ooo-eee. Goldberg back through the ropes, ducking a clothesline and hitting a superkick to Nash. Stomp. Stomp. Goldberg pick up Nash and puts on the badmouth. Choke. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman feels intimidated. Goldber with a right, right, right, right. Right! Nash to one knee. "Gold Berg Sux!" Goldberg with a punch to the 'nads. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Pause for an Okie blow! Nash manages to pull Goldberg's head into a turnbuckle. Douglas up on the apron - Nash punches him down. Stasiak, Guerrera, Konnan, Goldberg with a chair that misses by a MILE, but Nash goes down. Stomp. Spit in the crowd's direction. Goldberg removing his glove - or trying to...Right, right, right, right, right, right, we take a look at HUNTER who has mysteriously reappeared on the ring steps. VIC VENOM is out to take advantage of this fortuitous apperance - grabs him and forces him to watch. Goldberg pulls up Nash by the head and turns him to his nephew. Goldberg kisses him! He's probably wanted to do that for YEARS! Now SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER is out to take down the New Blood, one at a time - now beating up some COPS (beating up cops equals FACE!) but now, more cops are out and bashing him down with nightsticks. Geez, let's re-enact the Rodney King video while we're at it. THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL is out to lay a couple shots into Steiner - the cops grab HIM as well. Back in the ring, where Goldberg has left Nash laying long enough for Hunter to come in and check on Unky Kev. Russo in the ring - and hugging Goldberg. Hey, Goldberg really should try to pin him. Oops, show's over. Oh well. (No contest? 5:16?)
AFTER THE FACT: Andrew Graber takes it home: Hey, my name is Andrew Graber. I read a lot of the Wrestleline articles and thought I'd send some notes about Nitro, maybe it can help your recap.
Before show starts: Not much; DJ Ran gets introduced, the Nitro Girls dance and the Cat comes out and runs down the crowd.
After the show ends: Nothing not seen on air. Russo and Goldberg leave, Nash gets up and leaves, noone says anything.
Errors: 1. The crowd was booing for most of the Funk hardcore match because Nitrovision only worked about half the time, meaning there were multiple stretches of over a minute where the crowd had no idea what was happening. (Funny side: I was sitting 2 rows from the announcers. They're all looking at their monitors. I yell "Hey, look up!", Schiavone does, gets a suprised look, covers his mike and starts yelling to one of the production people)
2. When DDP walked out, Bischoff was going to say something, possibly stopping him, but his mike wouldn't work, and he couldn't find a spare, so Page finished walking out. Not sure if that was the original idea or not.
3. The Goldberg/Hogan/Kidman incident was pretty badly messed up. First, Goldberg trips going after one of them, then he waits a LONG time for Hogan to get in position, then spears Kidman, who was standing alert all along. Not sure how it looked on TV, but it came off ugly in person, at least until Goldberg started beating the tar out of "Hollywood".
4. The Vampiro/Demon match ending: it seemed they cut the match short and went to commercial, and it did look like Vamp had hurt his knee, but he got up quickly and was barely favoring it, and nothing was wrong with the Demon (other than being the Demon)
Absolutely Dead Crowd:
Overall it was fun, mostly for the shock value, especially the Goldberg/Hogan and Flair/Russo parts.
Well, I'm glad YOU had fun. I'm outta here.