/3 July 2000
Hey, anybody wanna drive me to Poughkeepsie on Friday? I hear ECW's doing
QUICK QUOTES: TWX 76 7/8 (+ 1), AOL 53 5/8 (+ 1 3/4), SPLN 16 27/32 (+ 2 25/32 - last year this time trading at 34 1/4)
Tennis! Tennis! "We move from the grace and dignity of Wimbledon...to RASSLIN'!" Oh, great, just the way they WANT to be presented...good ol' TNT Sports...
WCW logo - when I woke up, my pillow was gone
TV-14-DL - highlight package - and shouldn't I be watching Harry Browne's acceptance speech? Wait, didn't I promise to be AT that convention? Close captioned logo and I'm still in New York
Cat tells Eric Bischoff (on the phone) he had to suspend Scott Steiner for a week and he won't be in tonight - how convenient. Bischoff asks Cat why he interfered in the match with "no interference" rules. Cat makes fun of Mickie Jay's predilection for donuts and says he made the call he had to make as commissioner, to make sure we had a finish. After Bischoff chews him out a bit more (apparently) and the phone call is over, Mike Awesome comes in, asking if he's made the call. Cat says yeah. Awesome provides us with a warning of carnage to come (I think). Then THE TAPE PAUSES
We cut to a shot of four Duff ambulances ("You can't get enough of that wonderful DUFF"), ready to go
WE ARE LIVE from Charleston, WV and the Civic Centre Colesium 3.7.2K and NO TAPE DELAY FOR YOUR RECAPPER
JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE is out first, clad in his "3 Count" T-shirt - instead of hitting the ring, he steps over to the DJ RAN position and chases away the man named for the position...and takes the headset and mic. "Well I guess DJ Ran lived up to his name. That's okay for you - now you got DJ Tank. Are you ready? C'mon, are you ready? Do you want the best? Do ya? I will give you the best. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest rock'n'roll band in the history of the world...3 COUNT!" And here they come, green circles in tow. "We're here to remind you--" "Heyheyheyheyhey! Shut up - sing!" Quizzical looks all around...Karagias: "Hit our music!" "Sing Along with 3 Count" is promptly cued up. We cut to several shots of Tank getting his groove on. I wanna know who convinced Tank to act so goofy - and if he can convince some other folks to do some other stuff. DJ Ran makes funny faces off in the background.
3 COUNT v. JUNG DRAGONS - Interrupting the proceedings, and hopefully deigning to provide us with some WRESTLING before too long, are the Dragons. Crowd chants "3 Count sux" despite Tank's mean faces discouraging them. Pier Six Brawl to start. Triple whip into the ropes is reversed, Hayashi and Jamisean hit 'ranas and Yang just punches and throws Helms out to the floor. In the ring, drop toehold on Karagias, big back elbowdrop. Outside the ring, Moore calls for TRAINER DANNY YOUNG to check on Helms' arm - no wonder he didn't take the big bump like the other two did. Abbott checks on Helms...then decides HE'D better get up on the apron and take his place. Back to the ring, Yang whips Karagias, reversed, heel kick by Karagias. "3 Count Sux" chant despite Abbott's menace. Into the ropes, body scissors by Karagias into a face jam. Reaching for the tag - Moore tagged in. Yang brought up - and down into a front suplex for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Moore with a body scissors - Yang with a facebuster. Both men need to tag. Karagias gets the tag - so does Kaz. Big kick from Kaz. Into the corner, but Karagias steps aside and Kaz posts himself. Springboard plancha to the floor by Karagias. Asai moonsaut by Jamie-san after Moore dumps him onto the apron - Karagias REALLY has to move to catch him. Moore off the ropes with a tope con hilo onto the pile. Yang wants to fly but Abbott puts himself just ahead of him as he walks through the ropes to get in the ring. Yang with his fast body attack - no dice. Yang looks at his fists. Then he goes into the crane - Abbott unleashes a HAND OF STONE. Moore covers Yang for the fall. (3:24) Tank exhorts them to sing as Helms returns, still holding his arm. Tank's green square has mysteriously reappeared. His sense of rhythm has not....
Kevin Nash is WALKING! Somebody tells him that he's put together a package for him and it'll be up next. Wahoo!
Meanwhile, Cat tells the Dragons they've really shown him something tonight. He's got a proposition for them. Poor Yun Yang is STILL out on his feet and holding his jaw - they drag him off...
Meanwhile, Goldberg has arrived - and he's WALKING!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Super Soaker, America (ha!) Online, Boston Market TV dinners, Motel 6 7/8, and Stone Street Cash Scams
Backstage, Mike Awesome powerbombs a crew member for getting in his
way. Hey! Remember when Buff Bagwell did it? Now that's how you turn a
SHOOT into a WORK!
Let Us Take A Special Video Look at the Outsiders - aka "Happier Times When We Ruled the Ratings - Remember Them? By Golly, They'll Happen Again! Hahahahahahahaha!" - lookit Nash's hair colour morph!
But in the middle of it, Goldberg appears in the truck, telling them to "turn that sentimental crap off - now!" GO GO GOLDBERG!
We cut to Nash, who is watching...well, probably himself...on a monitor. He gets up and starts WALKING
Here comes $OLDBERG in street clothes and without pyro, with a few words for the kids at home. Sign in crowd: "GOLDBERG: DON'T HURT YOURSELF" Sign in crowd: "WCW NEEDS JANNETTY" Smart crowd tonight... As for their reaction, the crowd is...mixed, but the boos are quite audible in that mix. "I want you people to know that I have seen and I have heard just about as much of this Outsider crap as I can stand. You know, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash are two of the biggest pieces of garbage in this business that I've ever seen. And it's about damn time somebody stood up and told you good people what the hell the story was. See, ever since the Outsiders got here, they've tried to undermine and destory WCW. And what gets me is you idiots have cheered him week after week! And what about Goldberg, huh? [What about RAVEN?] You know, I've carried this damn company on my back for two years. I've given you people someone to believe in. I gave you people a hero...and what did you do? Ya spit on him! Every one of you people saw what I did to Hacksaw Duggan last week...and you can only imagine the hell, the pain and the torture that I'm gonna put Kevin Nash through six days from now. So I want every one of you damn people here AND at home to realise this - it's MY time, and their blood is on your hands." And now, to provide the counterpoint...KEVIN NASH. "Goldberg...I got four words for ya. [Suck it suck it?] The first two is MY TIME! The second two, you bald-headed bitch are this: WHY WAIT?" And here he comes...but before anyone can grab a Snickers, the crack security team swarms to stand between them. Here comes CAT. "Go to commercial! Go to commercial! Break it up! Go to a commercial!" And so...they do.
Close captioning where available hand-typed by George Foreman for MEINEKE!
Moments Ago....well, hell, you just done saw it
During the Break, it actually took wrestlers from the locker room to join both security teams to keep these two apart. Also, Mike Awesome powerbombed a random R&B Security member...I guess that makes two.
Cat is on the phone again...to Eric. He knows there's a lot of money riding on this pay-per-view, but he doesn't know if he can keep Nash and Goldberg apart until then...yeah, he doesn't want to give the rednecks nothin' for free - make 'em pay for it! (WCW buyrate = 0.20)
Meanwhile, Terry Funk continues to teach Johnny "the Bull" in the ways of the hardcore. Telling him his opponent is real hardcore, he tells him, "you better get that trashcan." Of course, Johnny turns his back to Funk...who waffles him with a chair.
JOHNNY "THE BULL" v. TERRY FUNK in a hardcore match - up the stairs we go and out from behind the curtain. Funk has the garbage can - to the head! Right hand. Into the barricade. Funk takes a chair and WHACKs Johnny. WHOOOOOOOSH BASH AT THE BEACH 6 DAYS AWAY MASTER LOCK BASH AT THE BEACH WHOOOOOOSH Funk is wearing a T-shirt with his own face wearing a mortarboard on it. Funk repeatedly says "son of a bitch," which will probably get muted on the West coast...or maybe not - probably not enough time, also, to airbrush out that sign saying "I found the clitoris." Hey WrestleLine, is "clitoris" one of those words I can use without you having to asterisk it up? It's only anatomy! Hey WrestleLine, that was rhetorical, keep your parentheticals to yourself. Funk runs Johnny into a chair he'd set up in the corner. Johnny taken outside the ring. Funk grabs ANOTHER chair - then throws it at him. Johnny's head hits the commentary table. Funk calls over referee "Blind" Mickie Jay - then puts Johnny into the baricade. Chair to the head.
Johnny manages a superkick to the chair to
And now we hop the rail and head out into the crowd. Succession of shots
that show us nothing, but we manage to see Johnny piledrive Funk onto the
floor - missing the chair, oops - but it still looked pretty damn painful.
Back over the ramp we go - Johnny with a suplex out on the floor. Funk is
bleeding from the eye, let's zoom out. Johnny puts a chair on Funk's face
to cover the bleeding - back in the ring - running to the ropes - oops -
second try for the no-hands springboard - springboard guillotine onto the
chair! Limping, Johnny puts Funk back in the ring. Johnny huks the chair
into Funk's face, and he falls to the centre of the ring and lies there
like a dawg. Johnny slides the chair back in, then comes in...oops, Funk
got it - swing misses. Funk manages a small package - huh? - and gets 2.
Johnny WHACKs him again with the chair. Cover - kickout at 2! Johnny
ready for the DDT - probably wanted the chair again, but missed it again.
Still, it's enough. 1, 2, 3. (6:32) Post-match,
Funk gets up and throws
the chair into the air - then gets himself in the head on the way down
(oops). Funk helps up Johnny...they're still friends. Hey, Johnny and
Vito still have the same music. Just thought I'd drop that in here.
Your three hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and SCOTT HUDSON. We cut to see Johnny taken out by Danny Young and Mark Johnson - will he be ready for Vito on Sunday?
Earlier Today, Dale Torborg and Asya were practicing their new entrance for the cameras, which apparently involved Asya hitting a double bicep and walking back and forth on the stage...but an errant pillar of flame puts her down, Michael Jackson style.
Cut to "live," where Torborg provides exposition to an unseen person. "Yeah, I'm gettin' ready to go back to the hospital..." He's stopped from his WALKING as the lights flicker and a man in hood and Sting mask silently hands him the Demon's outfit and beckons...Torborg takes it and walks off. The hooded figure removes his mask and smiles...it's Vampiro. Wait...there's a SECOND hooded figure off in the shadows behind HIM! Need a scorecard?
Promotional consideration paid for by Motel 6 7/8 (2), Corn Nuts, Bubble Yum, America (ha! ha!) Online (2), Boston Market TV dinners (2), and MAN I'm getting hungry, and Super Soaker (2)
Cat knocks on Goldberg's door and tells him he's chased Nash out of the state, and it's a good thing because Bischoff told him to keep his hands off of Nash until the PPV. Goldberg says he doesn't care what Bischoff wants - pull the strings and get him Nash tonight - or HE'LL be next!
Goldberg vs. Nash for Scott Hall's contract will take place Sunday - so sayeth this promo
MARK JINDARK & SEAN O'HAIRE v. GEN. RECTION & CPL. CAJUN (with Maj. Gunns) for a tag team title shot next Monday - what's the sound of Jindrak & O'Haire being shoved down our throats? *gaggggaggaggaggagchokearrghcoughhackgag* All three commentators waste no time verbally fellating these young studs out of the Power Plant. Hey guys, ask Lash LeRoux what it's like to be "flavour of the month..." and how much fun it is when you're NOT anymore. Just think! The tag team division currently sees champions Stasiak & Palumbo taking on Kronic, with the winner to face one of THESE teams next week! WOW! BUILD a division around these eight men! To this match - Cajun and Jindrak start. Staredown in the middle of the ring. Jindrak with an elbow, Cajun punches back, Jindrak elbow, putting him in the corner, followup ducked, right, right, Bayou Blues split, right, tg to Rection - splash in the corner, then down on all fours for Cajun's splash. O'Haire plants Rection behind his back. Jindrak with an elbow, right, tag, into the ropes, double leapfrog, Jindrawk with a dropkick, O'Haire covers for 2. Gutshot, off the ropes, kick to the head, going outside to climb the corner - Rection over with a right - beal across the ring, tag to Cajun - Rocket luancher for 2. O'Haire makes the save. Double suplex on Cajun for 2. Right, tag to Jindrak, in the corner, doubleteam stomps, double hiptoss, cover for 2, Rection saves.
Right, into the ropes, duck, Cajun with a flying
headscissors, but O'Haire comes in and prevents him from making the tag.
Cajun manages an inside cradle, but referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is
still trying to keep Rection from entering the ring. Jindrak with a big
lariat. 1, 2, no. Elbow, tag, into the ropes, Jindrak launches Cajun into
O'Haire, but Cajun manages a forearm, then crawls over to make the HOT TAG
to Rection! You go down, you go down, cover, O'Haire saves. Cajun puts
him out on the floor at Rection climbs the corner. Jindrak has him on his
shoulders - dropping him backwards in a "trying to break your neck" fall.
O'Haire on the adjacent corner - swandive splash. Rection manages to dump
O'Haire while Cajun hits a Whiplash on Jindrak. Rection clmibing to the
top - No Laughing Matter - 1, 2, 3. (4:05) Well...the
right team won.
Not that that's saying much. This whole match was many kinds of ugly. It
doesn't get much better after the match, as PERFECT EVENT come
man armed with a Lex Flexor and hitting lots of people. Ring that bell -
now ring it some more! Even the appearance of MAJ. STASH & LT. LOCO
combat the mighty force of the dual Lex Flexors. "Not Mr. Pefect's Theme"
plays...say, where *is* Curt Hennig? Too much posing as the MIA AND
Jindrak & O'Haire all come to - even Major Gunns gets in some
bitchslappin'. Hooray! Let's play "Edwin K. Starr Wouldn't DARE Sue Us"
as Gunns rips up her T-shirt and shows off her new (hopefully) leak-proof
implants. All six men play faint in the hopes the Gunns will give them
mouth-to-mouth. Yuk yuk yuk!
Cat tells Nash he's scared off Goldberg, so why don't he take the night off? Nash says something so low that none of us hear it, but I'm assuming he essentially duplicates Goldberg's request. Make the match happen tonight...or else.
Mike Awesome powerbombs another "innocent victim" through a table.
Meanwhile, Cat is on the phone to Bischoff yet again. He tells Bischoff he should fire Goldberg and Nash. Cat ends up coming up with a clever idea of his own about how to get Nash and Goldberg together, and tells Eric he'll call him back. Oh boy, you mean they'll team up as a tag team tonight?
Graphic: Jarrett vs. Hogan for the WCW title - Sunday!
Here comes JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, the forgotten man in all this mess. "Who's that man standing in the ring? Can't you see the electricity? Can't you just feel the stroke? That can only be one man - the Chosen One, Jeff Jarrett, the greatest WCW World Heavyweight champion of alllllll time! Now I came out here tonight for one reason and one reason only, and that's to make a simple statement. Now I know that some of you are gonna be in a state of shock at what I have to say, but it's the truth. Hulk Hogan is the man. That's right, I can remember when I was just a little slapnut, and I sat on my grandfather's knee, and he told me about when HE was just a little bitty boy, how he used to go pay his nickel to watch the GREAT Hulk Hogan wrestle, and as I grew older, I trained like there was no tomorrow, I said all my prayers, took every vitamin I could find, and I - and here I am today, on the eve of Bash at the Beach, where I will personally put the great Hulk Hogan out to pasture. And you ask yourself, why? Well Hulk Hogan might be the man, but Jeff Jarrett is a god! I'm not insensitive - no, Hogan, even though you ain't worth the plug nickel that my granddaddy used to have to pay to see you back in the day, I'm STILL gonna show you respect! I'm still gonna give you a hell of a sendoff! That's right - so right now I'd like to give you a little preview of what's gonna happen this Sunday, six nights away at Bash at the Beach, so fat ladies, come on down, let's get this show on the road, and show everybody what the Hulkster's gonna hear this Sunday!" Three NORWEGIAN OPERA SINGERS come out to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" in full regalia. "...and if I said the fat lady was gonna sing, well you damn skippy that you're gonna hear some high octane, cholesterol powered arias, now come in here..." With great effort, the ladies manage to get their horned hats and breastplates between the ropes and hit the ring. THIS is competing with the start of RAW?
Jarrett asks the ladies who will walk away the WCW World
Heavyweight champion. All three answer "The Chosen One." Jarrett tells
the three women that the one who does the best job of singing will be
turned loose at the buffet table. They all break out into "Na Na Hey Hey
Kiss Him Goodbye" as Jarrett starts ranting about ...well, who can hear
ANYTHING with that warbling. Here comes A STANDARDS &
least, we are told that that's who it is. Jarrett. "We can't make any
calorically-challenged, dietarily challenged jokes? Huh? All they are is
a bunch of fat SOB's, although there's some lardasses..." the chase is on.
Jarrett's mic cuts out. Jarrett takes his gee-tar and kabongs the
"Standards & Practices" guy. Well, I guess if you can't write a good
is out just as Jarrett reaches the top of the ramp.
"Hey! Cut that music off. Now, may I please have your attention. May I
please have your attention. Shut the hell up! Now listen here, Goldberg
want Nash - Nash wants Goldberg, I tell you what, you can't wait until next
Sunday, huh? You can't wait until Bash at the Beach - you guys wanna be in
the same ring here tonight, right? So I'm gonna put you guys in that ring
tonight! I'm the greatest - I'm the greatest! You won't be in that ring
alone, you gonna be in there with eighteen other world champion wrestlers -
superstars - no, no, if you can get through eighteen superstars, you can do
whatever you want to to each other in that ring, make whoopee, I don't
care, but you gotta get through eighteen other guys - now how you like me
now, I got to be the greatest!" Hey, he stole Bob Holly's catchphrase!
NEXT: The Franchise is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Booker T. is WALKING!
We see the third ambulance take off with the TV-14-DL ratings box
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and Cat are both talking at the same time - Cat says "ass" twice and gets muted twice
Let Us Take You Back to Last Wednesday where Franchise convinced Kanyon to take on Bagwell, and Booker T. got involved later...or something...hell, I don't remember...and I recapped the damn show!
It's The Franchise vs. Buff Bagwell at Bash at the Beach - yes, it is
FRANCHISE v. BOOKA T. - prior to the match, POSITIVELY KANYON appears and attacks T from behind, then puts him in the ring for Franchise. Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker turns around, sees Booker in the ring and calls for the bell. Schiavone breaks protocol by saying the verboten words "Shane Douglass." I guess it isn't interference if it happens before the opening bell? Anyway, it's all Franchise until Booker ducks a clothesline, rolls outside and works on Kanyon...until Franchise follows him out and nails HIM. Back to the all-Franchise mode - Booker manages his surprise body scissors rollup out of the corner, but Franchise breaks out at 2 and goes back to the attack. Booker ducks a clothesline, and a back elbow, then hits a forearm of his own. Whip is reversed, holding on, knee to the gut, axe kick off the ropes, breakdancing up - Harlem sidekick, Kanyon up on the apron, Booker over to give HIM a shot - Franchise ready to attack from behind - but Booker steps aside and Franchise knees *Kanyon* - rollup - but only 2. 110th Street slam (somebody forgot to tell Franchise he WASN'T supposed to try to reverse that to a DDT, so it looks REAL awkward - but he DOES stay down this time) - 1, 2, 3. (3:06) Kanyon IMMEDIATELY hits the ring to give Booker T a wafflin', complete with legdrop between the legs. Where's Stevie Ray and his "froot booty" when you need him? Franchise holds down Booker for a second-rope legdrop. Ring the bell some more! DDP's music plays - crowd goes nuts thinking Page is returning tonight, but they all forgot it's also Kanyon's music these days...
Backstage, sitting on a throne and wearing some red contacts, is the Demon. Tony: "He's back! It's the Demon! HE LIVES AGAIN!!!"
Thunder ad features Lance Storm - whatever happened to that guy?
RAW is WAR hits Madison Square Garden Monday, 7 August! Be a part of it - tix on sale NOW!
Cat addresses the locker room - he wants everybody in the battle royal to keep Goldberg and Nash apart. Cat promises bonuses. So Disco Inferno and Vito are getting along now? Ohhh my head
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where mysteriousness abounded
Once again, we take you back to Earlier Tonight where a surprise pyrotechnical thing knocked out Asya
Also Earlier Tonight, Vampiro handed Torborg his Demon costume - but who's the other guy?
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO v. DEMON in a "Special Main Event" - and the real winners are the fans. Hudson is the first guy to actually mention that he thinks it's actually Sting under the hood and mask. The disembodied voice of Jimmy Barron briefly mixes in with the soundtrack. Crowd ignores the match to chant "We want Sting." Run-in is provided by SEVERAL HOODED GUYS WEARING STING MASKS, who encircle the ring. Vampiro finally notices what's going on and gets spooked. All of them raise their bats and point to Vampiro, who gets distracted enough to fall victim to a uranage and get pinned. (2:39) Demon makes his leave as the eleven guys (of varying heights) get in the ring and surround Vampiro. The lights go out for six seconds - and when they come back up, TWELVE very confused guys are left wondering how Vampiro disappeared.
Meanwhile, Smooth tells the Filthy Animals...well, I couldn't hear him above the background noise. Perhaps we'll find out after this ad break.
Oh boy! Pokemon 2000 starts 21 July! I just got around to seeing the first one and MAN it was depressing. People take their KIDS to see that? Man!
Jimmy Barron phones it in for real this time - 1-800-CAL-LATT sez Nitro will hit Jacksonville, Florida next Monday - MiCasa will find some reason to not go (like "that's nowhere near me, you idiot" or something)
Cat hits another locker room (guess this is the "face" locker room and the other one was the "heel" locker room) and tells them to keep Goldberg and Nash away from each other tonight - or else he'll fire the lot of them. Booker T, speaking for the group, says they'd all like to get their hands on Goldberg after what he did to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and he doesn't have to threaten them. Cat takes his leave before it gets ugly.
Meanwhile, David Flair tells Daffney that he loves her...looks like he's trying to obscure a nearby monitor with Miss Hancock on it - wearing a wedding dress. Flair, of course, can't help but steal glances at her - and eventually gets caught. Flair starts singing the "Titanic" song once again.
We cut to the ring where MISS HANCOCK models her veil. "Do you like what you see? Well this isn't EXACTLY what I'll be wearing Sunday, because I can't decide whether I want to wear something special underneath...or nothing at all. Because, since I'll definitely be tearing off some clothes on Sunday, I will give you what you want to see...right now. Hit the music!"
Before she can get too far with her bump and grind,
is out with a chair.
Back to backstage, where Flair is still telling Daffney how much he loves her - suddenly, spying Crowbar in the monitor he erupts in stomach pangs and sends Daffney off to find some Pepto-Bismol.
Meanwhile, Crowbar has put Hancock in the chair, grabbed her around in a headlock...and brandishes a pair of clippers. "David Flair...you already have two strikes against ya - don't move, I'll shave ya right now, baby. Strike One, a couple wekes ago, you tried to scalp me and shave me bald. Strike Two, you're messin' around on Daffney, and if you don't come out here by the time I reach ten, that's Strike Three, and her hair's all over this mat, she's bald. 1, 6, 7--" DAVID FLAIR hits the ring. Crowbar threatens to shave her as Flair tries to beg him off. Here comes DAFFNEY UNGER with a bottle of Pepto in tow. There's a nutshot for Flair. Daffney screams a bit - and gives Flair a pink dyejob courtesy a bismuth bath. Hancock manages to get up from the chair - and shove Daffney into Flair. Hancock removes Daffney's blue wig and starts to throttle her - Crowbar pulls her off...and now she's using her feminine wiles to keep Crowbar interested just enough to swing the chair and WHACK Crowbar in the back. Hancock directs David into another chairshot. Something is muted in here. Hancock takes the clippers and takes off a chunk of Daffney's hair. After the shearing is complete, Flair wraps the clippers in a lock of her hair...and puts it in Crowbar's hand. Daffney comes to, sees Crowbar with the clippers, grabs her hair...and jumps to conclusions. Off she runs...Crowbar attempts to follow and explain himself. Tony makes a big deal of the fact that they've got this on videotape - people get FIRED for bringing up potential plot holes like that, Tone.
"Bash at the Beach launched the NWO - this year, prepare to get shocked again!" Hey, you think that's the way to sell it? Master Lock sponsors it this year, yo
Moments Ago aka During the Break - Crowbar chased after Daffney attempting to explain - only to find himself caught on the wrong end of Mike Awesome's powerbomb through a table
Coming back live...allegedly...Crowbar shrugs off medical help and a trip in the fourth ambulance...Awesome reenters the picture and applies additional damage (and muting) until Crowbar DOES take the ride
Meanwhile, Cat watches this on a monitor. "Cat...Smoooooooth got somethin' real HOT for ya." Tygress makes a very special presentation in Rosie Perez' language. What'll happen while the commissioner is occupied for "two minutes?"
DISCO INFERNO & KONNAN hit the ring and tell us it's time for a special interview. Out come RAYMOND STEREO dressed as Lance Storm and DE JUICE as Billy Kidman. Guerrera: (stoned) "Hey - where's Torrie, man?" Konnan: "...we heard you weren't serving her right. But what I wanna know is this - when you and Lance aren't helping Richard Gere count his gerbils, what do you do in your spare time? "Well, joo know when we're home, I just watch Rey Mysterio videos, and de Juice's videos, because we need to know how to wrestle." Disco Inferno: "Lance Storm, now where in Canada did you say you were from?" "I'm from Calgary - Alberta Canada. Where I'm from, we don't gotta prove our point--"
RAYMOND STEREO & DE JUICE (with Konnan & Disco Inferno) v. LANCE STORM & BILLY KIDMAN - Kidman and Storm hit the ring and it's on. The seconds are dumped - Kidman dumps Guerrera, and Mysterio is put into the corner, dumped onto Storm, and Kidman dropkicks him. Storm presses Kidman onto Mysterio - Guerrera saves at 2. Kidman in the ring - Guerrera with a big overhead facebuster. Into the ropes, blind tag, Kidman with a waistlock, over his head but he lands on his feet - only to eat a Storm superkick. Into the ropes, reversed, dueling hiptosses, Guerrera chops, chop, chop, into the ropes, Storm with a big press - Mysterio in with a dropkick - Guerrera lands on him for 2. Tag to Mysterio. Guerrera with a snapmare on Storm, holding his legs apart for a lightning legdrop to the lugnuts - 2 count. Snapmare by Mysterio, in the corner, tag to Guerrera, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, bit boot by Storm as he comes in - clothesline ducked, waistlock, gobehind, Guerrera elbows out, up on the shoulders, out of the bodyscissors, rolling into a 'rana. Off the ropes, Storm manages a hot shot. Rolling over to his corner for the tag to Kidman. Mysterio in - both he and Guerrear go down. Sitout powerbomb for Mysterio, backdrop suplex into a sidewalk slam for Guerrera - guillotine by Storm, 1, 2, Mysterio saves. Kidman put in the corner, up and over, Mystserio on the top as Guerrera catches him in a body scissors - Mysterio with a CANNONBALL onto the back of Kidman's neck! Storm makes the save at 2. Storm with a right, Guerrera with YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Mysterio off the ropes - springing up and landing on Storm's shoulders - spinning around - no Frankensteiner as Storm powerbombs him down. Guerrera up on Storm's shoulders - headscissors takeover to the floor - Guerrera ready to skin the cat, but he's off camera now - we see Konnan on the apron arguing with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman while, behind his back, Disco Inferno brings a chair into the ring - Mysterio grabs Kidman from the top rope -
bulldogs him onto the chair - and covers for the pin. (3:54)
Post-match, Konnan and Disco Inferno hit the ring and add a little injury
to insult to injury.
Cut to Cat's office - he's back, and tucking in his shirt. "Man, that was a long two minutes! Hope I didn't miss anything!"
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Vampiro. He says that HE'S the master of mind games - not Torborg. This'll end Sunday at Bash at the Beach...in a graveyard match. Again, I have trouble making out what he's saying above the ambient noise, but the gist seems to be there's bad times ahead for the Demon.
Jeff Jarrett sells TracFone? NOW I've seen everything.
Pamela Paulshock stands with Kevin Nash. Sunday is for Scott Hall's contract - but tonight is for Kevin Nash. Nash tells Goldberg he'll be the big pissed off guy - he'll be easy to find.
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Awesome pinned Steiner. Earlier tonight, Awesome powerbombed some folks none of us know...or care about
Graphic: US Heavyweight title bout - Scott Steiner vs. Mike Awesome - Bash at the Beach!
AWESOME MULLET hits the ring, as he should in the final quarter hour. "I told the Cat to line up the ambulances - and I did exactly what I--hey you with the poster, I am not a mullet! You're the mullet, buddy. Hey security, get out there, take that poster away from him, and get it out of my sight, because I am definitely not a mullet! Now like I was saying...just shut up!" Crowd: "Mul Let!" "Tonight, I put it to every jabrone that even came close to me - I stuck everybody through a table that was stupid enough to get near me - but the only problem is I didn't get the one moron that I wanted to get - I didn't get Scott Steiner, but I will tonight! So Scott Steiner, come on out here, 'cause I wanna kick your ass tonight! I will not wait until the Bash, I wanna do it now, so let's go, get out here! Oh, fine, I'll tell you what, go ahead and ring that bell, so SCott Steiner, come on down! Come on, Scott! Come on, we need a ref. Get in here, ref. If he doesn't get into the ring, I want tyou to start counting, and count him out. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ring the bell! Yeah!" All right. (COR :36) "Right here - do you know what that means? I'm 2-0! The Awesome One has two victories, Scott Steiner - you have none! At Bash at the Beach, I'm gonna kick your ass--" RICK WOOF WOOF hits the ring. One sorta powerslam later, Steiner dumps Awesome out of the ring. "Hey mullet head! Next time you call out a Steiner, make sure neither one of us are in the building!"
NEXT: Kevin Nash is stretching!
Meanwhile, Goldberg is exercising!
Jeff Jarrett sells some more Tracfones - wow, it WASN'T a hallucination!
Cat barks out some orders, sending everybody out. As we cut to the shot of the ring, somebody leaves the mic open, but nothing interesting gets said...
ALLEGED 20 MAN BATTLE ROYAL: KEVIN NASH is out first. Refs surround the ring. Cat says some more stuff that nobody hears. According to the commentators, he's holding up the faces. RAYMOND STEREO & DE JUICE come out and doubleteam Nash, kicking at his knees. Hmm, this seems more like a gauntlet. Guerrera tossed (:12), followed quickly by Mysterio going over the top rope (:19). KONNAN is next - knee, right, over the top rope (:36). DISCO INFERNO tries a sleeper - Nash runs his back into the top turnbuckle. PERFECT EVENT join the ring and doubletaem Nash. Of course, you KNOW that Kevin Nash will have NO problem with the tag team champions.
Chokeslam for Palumbo. Nash elbows Stasiak in the
hits the ring and gives Nash a kendostick shot, and another. Nash knees
him and crotches him with the stick. See, NO EFFECT on the big man.
Block, right, block, right, Inferno from behind, KANYON in the ring
HE'S gonna use the kendo stick. Backstage, Cat again holds back the troops
- Booker decides to deck Cat and the group takes off. Here comes
the MISFITS IN
LANCE STORM & BILLY
KIDMAN and the ring fills up. T
takes out Kanyon (2:23) and
eliminates himself (2:25) going after
think there was a Kanyon Cutter down on the floor, but the crew couldn't be
bothered to find a proper camera angle to show it to us. We check the
entryway where $OLDBERG's
pyro goes off and here he comes. When we look
back to the ring, lots of folks have been eliminated. Vito takes Corporal
Cajun out (3:07) while
Nash takes out Disco Inferno (3:15) and Vito (3:18)
to empty the ring. Goldberg comes in and gives Nash a superkick. The
Misfits grab his ankle - Goldberg ends up out on the apron, having gone
between the ropes, kicking away at the Misfits below him - Nash runs up and
gives Goldberg a big boot - Goldberg gently falls back onto a pile and Nash
is declared the winner. Oof. (3:41) SECURITY quickly
comes out to
separate Nash and Goldberg, the credits are up fast as lightning, and we're
out less than three minutes into the overrun.
God, it never changes, does it? Nash just mows through everybody like an unstoppable Hogan - I mean, force. A giant, poorly booked, clusterfuck of a finish, dismal, depressing, awful, awful, awful, and awful. Still, it could be worse. Goldberg could be back to brushing back Nash's hair and tenderly looking him in the eyes...
Vince Russo comes back next week.
I can't think of a reason to expect things to get any better.
See ya in 48 for the return of LIVE Thunder action! I'm off to watch some tall ships and fireworks - hopefully separately!