/31 July 2000
AOL 53 1/4 (- 2
7/8), TWX 76 11/16 (-
4 1/16), SPLN 15 3/4 (- 1/4 - last year this week
Now listen to this: "Coming up next, they're big, they're bad, and they're not afraid to show some skin! Get pumped for two hours of the wham bam slammin' action you can't find anywhere else! WCW Monday Nitro is next on TNT!" They're..."not afraid to show some skin?" Who exactly are they trying to appeal to with ad copy like THAT?
Ten bells for GORDON SOLIE: 1929-2000
Here's a Special Video Look at Booker T. - rated TV-14-DL - close captioned - this is a VERY well done package, and not a bad piece of hype for the Booker T./Jeff Jarrett title match at New Blood Rising
Earlier Today, Booker T. let his wife drive him to the arena. T got out a bit gingerly, then shrugged off the idea that he take the night off to rest. Kinda funny listening to his wife call him "Booker T," isn't it? That's not very...(heh)...SHOOT like
SET IT OFF! We're at the Firstar Centre in Cincinnati, OH 31.7.2K and we're LIVE on TNT for WCW Monday Nitro!
Let's start right out with BOOKA T., with a mic in hand and twenty pounds of gold in the other. Hey, LaVESTIA HUFFMAN is in the front row! He's walking a bit slower - his knee has become a target, and people have been practicing on it. Holy cow - what's up with the body paint on those two guys? And now, the Champ - he's got a smile on his face: "You know, I know probably, a lot o' y'all are probably sayin' 'man, this guy's crazy - bad knee and all.' But I say...you know it's a lot of people right now sayin' 'Booker T, you're not gonna last - you're not gonna survive.' Including my lovely wife standin' right there. But I say to those people, I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times, before you take this belt from around this waist, you're gonna have to KILL me right here in the middle of this ring - you dig THAT. You know, it's a lotta guys in the back, you know, they - they maybe need to step up, they need to come up to the plate. For what reasons I don't know, you know, maybe the guy's next to him had his lips wrapped around (the booker's ass?) so tight, maybe they were just that scared. You see, these guys, they may never get a chance in WCW...but I got that chance. You see, the brass in WCW could no longer NOT listen to the voices of the people here in WCW. So I say to you this, last week, you wanted something but you got something else. Last week the people wanted Booker T. and Sting in the middle of this ring. Oh, but we were so rudely interrupted by Bill Goldberg, but I tell you what: that won't happen tonight. That won't happen tonight because the people will get what they wanna see. I ask you this: do the people, do the fans in WCW wanna see the #1 Player, Booker T, defend the world title against the man they call Sting? Well I say this. The fans have spoken and they will get that title shot tonight. So I tell you what, Sting - lock and load because tonight, in front of all of these people, we're gonna go to war - now can u dig that." The final words are stepped on by the music of JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET. "Wait - waitwaitwait wait a minute! Hold on a minute there, Slapatori. Or as you would say, let me drop the bomb on yo mom. There will be no title match tonight between you and Sting. How many times do we have to go through this? This is between ME and YOU. You took the belt from around my waist, and at New Blood Rising, I'm puttin' it back where it belongs - around the Chosen One's waist." "You know Jarrett, it's plain and simple. If you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band. If you wanna be a man, you gotta beat the Player! And you know what, Jeff? You want my title - the saying is: save the drama fer yo momma. And you know what? We ain't gotta wait, Jeff - we can do this right now--" and he exits the ring and gimps up the ramp to meet Jarrett. Blows are exchanged and Jarrett is put on the barricade - and again. Jarrett trying to get a chair but T staying on him. In the ring now, right, right, right, into the ropes, Jarrett ducks the clothesline, but not the Harlem sidekick - unfortunately, that's the bad knee that made contact, and T comes up clutching it. Jarrett manages to grab the chair and brain him with it. Jarrett stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, with the leg wrapped around the bottom rope, Jarrett hooks in the figure four around the bottom rope. T taps a couple times for effect, but nothing happens until the lights go out, the fake lightning appears, and here comes (THIS IS) STING, still masked, breaking the hold and putting Jarrett in the corner - Stinger splash! Jarrett tossed over the top rope to the floor. And now the mask is off - and he looks EXACTLY the same as before! My gosh, next thing you know, we'll find out that whole "burn unit" thing was a total crock!! Sting takes a mic. "Vampiro! I gotta save the mind games for later. And Booker T - c'mere Booker, c'mere buddy, c'mon" - he picks him up off the mat - "if you still feel up to it by the end of tonight, consider it SHOWTIIIIIIIIME!" "Hey Sting...you wanna show? You gotta show - I'm gonna give both you two guys a show. We'll call it Slapnuts Theatre - here's your show--" and he pulls Mrs. Huffman over the rail and Kabongs her in the back of the head on her way down. Oooh! I think a "Jesus" got muted in here or something. Sting and Booker are quickly over to check on the fallen woman - Sting turns to the camera and says "hey, how 'bout some paramedics?" What a veteran! We quickly go to break.
WOW! GODZILLA 2000! I hope all those special effects don't cut down on the cheese factor...
Promotional consideration provided by Slim Jim (no Savage), "Buzz
Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins," America (ha) Online and
Motel 6 7/8
Moments Ago - yep, he hit her - quite a reaction shot from Booker T there
During the Break, a collared LaVestia was wheeled off
Coming back live, Sting tells Booker to be with his wife, go with her to the hospital - and don't worry, he'll take care of Jarrett. Hey, they didn't just screw us out of a main event AGAIN, did they...oops
Your commentators include TONY SCHIAVONE & SCOTT HUDSON. They tell us we might be wise to expect to see a few shots of Sting walking around various hallways looking for Jeff Jarrett during the show
BUFF DADDY BAGWELL (with Judge Judy Bagwell) v. BIG VITO - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Kanyon beat up Judy Bagwell, even after getting Buff to agree to put her on the line in the pay-per-view match... and now we learn that they're calling it a "Judy Bagwell on a pole" match. Hey, you know what the SHOCKING SWERVE would be? Uh huh. Judy (wearing collar) takes fourth headset and makes us all pine for the dulcet tones of Stevie Ray. Hey, guess what? If you TELL somebody you're Eddie Haskell, the "Eddie Haskell" gimmick doesn't WORK anymore. Lockup, side headlock by Bagwell, powering out, shoulderblock by Bagwell, up and over, leaprfrog by Vito, gutshot by Bagwell, into the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Bagwell, hiptoss, dropkick, gutshot, pose, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Going to the pinwheel pose, Judy tells us that Buff is having difficulty concentrating on matters at hand...yeah, but he hits that pose EVERY match. WHOOOOOOOSH here's the New Blood Rising logo - 13 Days Away! Oooh! Vito with a gutshot on the apparently distracted Bagwell, uppercut, into the ropes is reversed, Vito holds on, Bagwell charges and Vito drops him (sorta) on the top rope. Stomp, stomp, stomp, Judy doesn't pronounce the L in "helping," in the corner, forearm, right hand, right, into the opposite corner, Bagwell up and over, clothesline for Vito, another clothesline, there's a...clothesline. Bagwell leaves the ring and accuses a random techie of being Kanyon. Vito meets him outside, but Bagwell blocks the right and hits one of his own. Head to the buckle, rolled back in. Vito off the ropes, up and over, mafia kick, whatsa motta u pose, climbing up to the top but Bagwell makes it to the ropes, crotching him on the top turnbuckle. Right hand by Bagwell - climbing up to meet him - superplex!! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Mark Johnson puts on the count - at 2, Bagwell drapes an arm over him...1, 2, kickout! vito with a forearm, Bagwell with a gutshot, double underhook DDT, 2 count. Bagwell leaves the ring again to beat up a cameraman. Sheesh, Kanyon isn't THAT much a master of disguise. Listen to Judy screech - like a cat, that one. "Meowwwwwrk - I'm all rooooooooarght" Bagwell back to the apron - Vito tries to get a jump on him but again it's blocked, gutshot, right, springing in and trying a Sunset slip - Vito manages to keep his balance, grab the leg and hook for a deep cover - 1, 2, 3. (3:09) Vito jumps up and down like he can't *believe* he got the win. Well, me neither, I guess.
The Kiwi appears in Cat's office and requests a match with the Artist. Cat says he's here to press his clothes, not to wrestle. Kiwi takes off his slipper and threatens Cat - then pokes him with it in the nose (ooh!) - then gets in a huff and starts throwing things around. "Is the Kiwi funny to you?" Cat tells him (who ends up sounding a lot more like Angry Allen Funk than Kiwi) that he's got the match. Kiwi slaps his butt a couple times.
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Positively Kanyon. He says ... well, he's even more unintelligible than normal this week. Apparently, Judy doesn't know her role, so he's going to make her his valet. Huh? "If she does a good job...maybe I'll make her a Nitro Girl." She'll feel the bang, too. Paulshock makes the mistake of telling him she has a problem with the way he's been acting lately, Kanyon cutting women and you can see what comes next...no you can't! At the last moment, GENE O. appears to keep him from taking her down - the camera gets shoved away for a split second, and when we come back, it looks like *Okerlund* took that bullet for Pamela as he lay motionless on the floor...the victim of a Kanyon Cutter. Kanyon: "BANG!" Oooh! You GOTTA like that one! I haven't seen an illusion like that since Doug Henning split a woman into three parts!
New Blood Rising promo
Buff Bagwell is WALKING! And apparently chewing himself out for jobbing to Vince Russo's good friend, but hearing some cries from Pamela, he runs over to find Okerlund attended to by EMT's. Learning Kanyon was the culprit, he finds him in RECORD time - gutshot, double underhook DDT *on the floor!* Buff: "BANG!"
Meanwhile, Sting is WALKING! And looking for Jeff Jarrett. Who wants to bet Sting makes a SHOCKING SWERVE and joins Jarrett against Booker T? Naaaaaahhh..they WOULDN'T do that...would they?
THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. KWEE WEE - Artist is dressing a bit differently tonight, for some reason - you seen Police Academy? I'm thinking "Blue Oyster Bar" garb here. Let Us Take You Back to A Couple Weeks Ago, Last Week, and yep there are some issues here. "Kwee Wee?" Don't tell me that calling him "Kiwi" got them into trouble and they had to...oh, who CARES. Whatever we're calling him, he's out in pink trunks and borrowed "Missing (Todd Terry Club Mix)" beat. Artist decides to meet him in the aisle and here come the brawl. Hard into the barricade. Rolled into the ring - stomp - Artist
off the top with a guillotine. 1, 2,
kickout. 1, 2, Artist pulls him up! Open-handed slap. Paisley seems
unhappy about this...um...brutality. Wee comes back with a Thesz press and
peppers him with rights. I counted seventeen (and one left) before referee
"Blind" Billy Silverman managed to pull him off. Big clothesline, into the
ropes, dropkick. Into the ropes again, big back body drop, going for the
cartwheel rollup, but Artist holds the ropes - and drops the right. Rollup
by Wee, but Artist rolls through. Wee to the eyes. Every time they say
"Kwee Wee--" brrrrr. Tony: "This is the wardrobe guy!" Me: "THIS IS ANGRY
ALLEN FREAKIN' FUNK!" Hey, remember Allen Funk's big gimmick! He's stick
his tongue out and give thumbs down....man, THOSE were the days. Remember
when Barry Horowitz would run out and ruin his matches? They never blew
off THAT feud, either. Artist with a double leg takedown, and a headdrop
to the ... wee Wee. Elbow to the back of the head by the Artist. Snapmare
takeover - got him by the hair - up...and down. This seems to have enraged
the wardrobe master - he's up and back on him, right, right, right, right,
and so on, into the ropes, back elbow, into the ropes, drop toehold,
floatover into a pummelin', kick in the corner, into the opposite corner,
boot up by Artist, NICE German suplex for 2. Backdrop suplex by Wee for 2.
Stomp, stomp, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl into a...let's call it a
face-first wheelbarrow drop. 1, 2, 3. (3:18) "Kwee Wee." I guess
is the type of "entertainment" that people are always writing me about,
telling me I'm too hard on WCW by constantly expecting SHIT THAT DOESN'T
SUCK...hey, he's got the mic! "All you boys in the back - don't make me
angry! You won't like me when I'm angry." IT'S ANGRY ALLEN FUNK! HE'S
BACK! HE'S...no..no, he's not. Maybe he's the reincarnation of Bill Bixby?
Backstage, Scott Steiner asks for directions to the Cat's office - then beats up the helpful guy who gave him instructions. We can learn from this: NEVER HELP ANYBODY. Steiner hits Cat's office (Cat quickly clears his desk into the top drawer, saving all his executive doodads from untimely demise) and demands a match with Booker T or else he'll shove the pipe up his ass...Cat says T is already booked, and besides, he isn't even in the building right now. I think Steiner demands a "pipe match" in the back.
Hey, look! It's Kevin Nash! Kevin Nash is here! And he's WALKING!
Promotional consideration paid for by Corn Nuts, Motel 6 7/8, Bubble Yum, and America (ha!) Online!
Norman Smiley enters the building, and asks Midajah if she wants to get freaky with the wiggle tonight. She points to another direction, and when he looks, Steiner appears and pipes him in the gut, then back out the door. Geez, when'd Smiley get so dumb? Come to think of it... when'd Smiley get so HETERO? Never mind that - Steiner and Midajah are WALKING!!
Pamela Paulshock stands with the MIA - oh boy! This sucks! Tonight, Loco gets Storm and Gunns gets Hancock in a hardcore match. Anybody seen Hammer?
LANCE STORM v. LT. LOCO (with Gen. Rection & Cpl. Cajun) for the world cruiserweight championship - Storm has put a maple leaf on the hardcore title as well. Apparently, some time last week he and Awesome had a bit of a confrontation at the Nitro Grill - well, that's what this clip implies. The Canadian flag lowers from the rafters as Storm takes the mic. "If I could be serious for a moment...I've got a couple things to address. Last week, I won the hardcore title. But when you're from Calgary...(Hudson: "Wherezat?") Alberta, Canada (Hudson: "ah"), you consider hardcore wrestling a bunch of garbage. So to bring respect to this title, I have renamed it the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title." Now, because this is WCW, we are IMMEDIATELY asked to consider that the ensuing acronym actually spells SHIT - WCW is so scared we are unable to figure out such mind-bending *cleverness* on our own time that they can't help but jump ALL OVER THEMSELVES to give us the answer to the freakin' Youth Jumble. When Bobby Heenan used to tell us the Smoking Gunns attended the Sam Houston Institute of Technology, he NEVER immediately followed it up with "and consider that acronym!" THAT'S why Heenan is the greatest - and the Mark can *never* be nothing more than a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, fat FUCKING dweeb who STILL lives with his mother DESPITE claiming to make more money than me, and, therefore, SOMEHOW being a better person. Whoops, sorry Mark - you know how I *hate* to put you over. Now where was I? God dammit, bring Heenan back to Nitro! You want ratings - HEENAN = RATINGS!!! All right, I'm done...for now. "Furthermore, with my current dominance of World Championship Wrestling, I think it appropriate...during my wrestling matches we rename WCW World Canadian Wrestling. It's not my fault that Canadians have dominated this sport. It's not my fault that I have defeated YOUR Champions with relative ease. Don't blame Canada - blame yourself. All rise for the playing of the Canadian National Anthem." First man to talk over the anthem this week is (of course) Tony Schiavone. SHAME! The anthem is cut off at (:19) by the MIA theme. Springboard clothesline starts it - scoop - and a slam, tilt-a-whirl slam, kick, chop, chop. We are told that LaVestia is resting in the hospital, and Booker T is on the way back to Nitro. We'll have that title screwjob after all! Loco still on him, right, European uppercut, into the ropes is reversed, Storm tries a tilt-a-whirl but Loco connects with a 'rana. Storm dumps a charging Loco over the top rope to the apron, ducks a clothesline, and throats him on the top rope - then dropkicks him to the floor. Storm poses while the WHOOOOOOSH says 13 days away. Apparently the silence from the commentators is Rection's headset not working - thank God for small miracles. Loco put in the barricade. Storm rolls in - and out - to break the count. Loco put back in. "USA!" Head to thebuckle, right, right, Storm with the badmouth - now they're trading rights. Storm chops, Loco exchanges positions and chops back. Two Euro elbows. Storm to the eyes. We look at Rection and Cajun and miss whatever Loco did to turn it around and hit the bulldog. Nice dropkick from Loco. Pancakes him over - 1, 2, no. Kick, kick, chop, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Loco to the top rope, somersaulting off and landing on his feet - but pulling up lame and holding his left leg. Storm shoves aside referee "Blind" Charles Robinson to take advantage of the injury, kicking at his knee. Loco manages to leap into a twist and rollup - for 2. Lance dropkicks at the ankle. Got the left leg - trying to hyperextend the knee, I guess...now going for a catapult but Loco holds on with Storm's shoudlers to the mat - 1, 2, kickout! Storm ends up flopping to the mat. Loco with an elbowdrop.
Loco ducks a clothesline, suplex is countered, Storm with a
gutshot, tries a powerbomb but Loco punches away - trying a 'rana...but
Storm holds onto a leg and that's the Canadian Maple Leaf! Loco...don't
tell me...taps. Damn, and Storm even put the half crab on the wrong leg.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new cruiserweight champion. He also
happens to be the US and hardcore champion. Oh well - *somebody* thinks
this is a good idea. (3:23) For an encore,
KEVIN NASH hits the ring.
He's got some things he's like to say, I guess. Storm doesn't oblige him
by leaving the ring. Chest bumpin'! Nash tells him to take his belts and
take off - then knees him, into the ropes - big boot - yeah, we just gave
this guy THREE belts - I think the best thing we could POSSIBLY do to him
is have him sell for Nash and slink off. We go to break...
Hey, what a surprise! When we come back, he's still there, with mic in hand. "You know, there's a saying in professional wrestling...when two guys exchange words and they say they work themselves into a shoot. I watched the comments last week that Bill Goldberg made towards me. [Boo!] I've been doin' this now for twelve years, and in those twelve years, there's only one time that I wasn't a professional in this ring. There was a Canadian guy, when I was in the World Wrestling Federation that decided it wasn't my night...because we were in Montreal and it was his hometown. So the next night, Quebec City, I beat his ass and beat it in the middle. Now, before I got into this business, yeah, Goldberg, I might have played some basketball, but I wasn't holdin' anybody's hands, if...if I watch enough sports, if anybody's pattin' anybody's asses, it's the football players." I think a "Lord" got muted in here. "After I got done with my basketball career, I bounced. I bounced in Detroit, I bounced in Atlanta, and a lotta places in between, and you know what, Bill? A lotta nights, the NFL football players would come into our joints and have a coupla suds...and you know what, we'd have to kick THEIR asses. Y'see, Bill, I'm not a wrestler, I'm not a football player, but you know what I am? I'm a fighter. I don't lose fights. I'll tell you this, Goldberg, when we go up in Vancouver - I can't - I can't guarantee that on that night I'm gonna be real professional. And one thing about these ol' beat up knees o' mine, when you bend down and charge me - watch out - one of these ol' rickety-ass knees might jam your nose right in your brain." Idiot: "Oh Boy Is This Great" See, he probably BELIEVES that too. "And to the WCW brass, I am not gonna stop on my quest to get Scott Hall back, no matter what anyone says! The only motives - the only motives we had..." Well, WHITE THUNDER's music and lighting hits and here he comes, with MIDAJAH and the pipe. Golly! I *hope* that Steiner...how do you say? "Shoots" ... with us? Oh, I HOPE. "Kevin Nash...at New Blood Risin', I don't give a damn about YOU, I don't give a damn about Goldberg, and the only reason I don't (shove this up your ass right) now, is 'cause we're both from Detroit, and tonight, we're not waitin' to New Blood Rising, you (piece of shit)." Oh, my - but isn't this REALLY REAL AND FULL OF REAL REALNESS, REALLY. (Well, except for the pulled punches.) Here comes SECURITY to try to break these guys up - but this is SO REALLY REAL that I don't know if they can get it donw - oh wait, they just did.
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! So you gonna touch that dial or not? DUH
Wendy's brings you this Moments Ago replay of the REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL
Backstage, Nash tells Cat (and the TV-14-DL ratings box) that somebody's gonna die tonight and it ain't him. Cat provides him with a straitjacket and tells him that tonight, them two crazy crackas have a straitjacket - the object is to strap him in and beat him up until you get tired. IT'S A SHOOT, BABY - WITH STRAITJACKETS
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out to keep you from changing the channel - well, how about to goad Sting into appearing and maybe THAT'll keep you from changing the channel?
"Hey Sting! I heard you were in the
back lookin' for the Chosen One. I've already sent Booker T's wife outta
here tonight in an ambulance, I'll be happy to do the same for you - you
can walk down that aisle, you can repel from the ceiling - hell, I don't
care if you fly out here like Superman - it really don't make a rat's ass
to me! The fact is, the Chosen One is standin' in the middle of the ring
callin' your ass out, and I ain't got all night, so choke on that,
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. (THIS IS) STING - Jarrett jumps him as he goes through the ropes and here we go. Right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, gutshot by Sting, off the ropes with a bulldog (sorta), Stinger splash MISSES - but Sting clotheslines him to the floor over the top rope. Sting outside after him - to the barricade - to another barricade - back to the first barricade. Sting grabs a chair - edge to the gut. Edge to the gut again. They're at the stage. Chair to the back. We can only wonder why referee "Blind" Mickie Jay isn't counting them out. Edge of the chair back to the gut. Sting rolls him back in the ring and follows - but Jarrett crotches him on the second rope on his way in. Jarrett back out - wrapping the knee out around the ringpost. Jarrett gets a chair and whacks his knee against the post. Jarrett (and the chair) back in the ring. Sting's knee wrapped around the bottom rope, so Jarrett puts on his figure four. Jay *screaming* at him to break the hold and finally going to his count. 1...2...3...4..."ok! ok! wait - I'm breaking it!" Stomp on the damaged knee. Jarrett kicks the back of the knee, another kick. Time for Jarrett to climb in the corner and tell us he's the --- EWWWW! A GIANT LOOGIE dribbles down his chin! Jarrett back to the knee, kick, kick, head to the buckle - but Sting blocks - blocks - Jarrett with a right, Sting with a roar. Jarrett off the ropes, Sting with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," Jarrett tries again, fails again - off the ropes, Sting with a clothesline. Jarrett goes for the chair - back elbow to Sting - Jay up behind Jarrett, and Jarrett's trick knee acts up ON JAY. Jarrett with the chair to Sting's head - cover. 1, 2, no! Jarrett takes the chair and positions it for a suplex...but Sting goes behind - Scorpion Death Drop! Was it on the chair? Well, we'll pretend it was - 1, 2, 3! (4:39) Sting limps off - well, now we've got the foundation for an excuse for him to job to Booker, right?
In happier times, Jeff Jarrett sells TracFone
This Wednesday on Ripley's Thunder, log into tbssuperstation.com and take part in iWatch Wednesday! Win big prize! Yo!
The 1-800-CAL-LATT road report say: Nitro hits Denver next Monday. Drink Pepsi!
Moments Ago...I don't know, that doesn't really look like it hit the chair...oh well
Backstage, an ambulance drives off - who was in it? I guess it doesn't matter - let's focus in on Booker T's BMW - Terry Taylor greets him. T wants to know where Jarrett is and Taylor tells him he just left in that ambulance. "It was sweet!" T asks where Sting is and Taylor stooges HIM off, too.
WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: KRONIC v. JOBBIN' VAMPIRO & GREAT MUTA v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE in a three-way dance - Commentators have some nice words about Solie. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where some stuff happened. PERFECT EVENT take headsets because you can never have too many commentators. Schiavone actually calls Palumbo "Palumby" to his face - waahahaha. Jindrak & O'Haire beat up Team Paint Job then throw them into Kronic so THEY can beat them up. WHOOOOOOOSH 13 days away. Seems like these four don't want to tie up - well now they'll keep it scientifical as Clark and Jindrak stay in the ring. Lockup - to the corner, knee by Clark, knee, chop, chop, into the ropes, slides through by Clark hits a gutshot, and a nice butterfly suplex. Jindrak reverses a whip in the corner, but Clark springs out with a flying tackle. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Jindrak, dropkick, cover, 2. Left, left, kick, Clark with a knee, double thrust to the throat,
into the ropes, blind tag by Vampiro,
clothesline ducked, gutshot by Clark, ready for the Death Penalty but I
think referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker is *actually* keeping track of the legal
men as Vampiro gets off a guillotine on Clark without any reprimand!
Karate uppercut by Vampiro. Headbutt. Tag to Muta (who wasn't anywhere
near any corner, but what can you do? He's Muta!), Kick, kick, stomp,
stomp, stomp, snapmare, off the ropes with the wacky elbowrdop, blatant
choke, stomp, blatant choke, stomp. Now they spend about fifteen seconds
STARING at him. Clark decides to get up - Vampiro with a top rope
clothesline to put him down again. Muta with the double stomp on the face.
Stasiak & Palumbo have managed to say "Tony Jabrone" about a MILLION times
so far. Vampiro with a right, kick to the back of the leg, spin kick, into
the ropes, Clark with a kick when he puts his head down, chop, into the
ropes is reversed, Vampiro with a chop, backhand chop, into the ropes,
reversed, reversed, heads collide and they both go down. Tag to Adams -
tag to Muta - Adams right, right, right causes Vampiro to triple-spin.
Muta and Adams trade blows, Adams with the full nelson into a slam.
Vampiro pressed - and thrown onto Jindrak. O'Haire with a superkick.
Vampiro chops Jindrak. Dragon screw legwhip by Muta onto Adams - and
quickly into a kneebar. Clark has a chair, though, and that breaks the
hold. Looks like he hit his partner's foot harder than Muta's elbow,
but...anyway, Vampiro manages a spinning heel kick to the chair to Clark.
Vampiro with a scoop slam on Jindrak. Vampiro perches on the corner but
Jindrak is back up and over, right, right, right, leaping to the top rope
from the mat and taking over Vampiro with a Frankensteiner! O'Haire on the
top rope - Seantonbomb on Vampiro! Now, for a million dollars, YOU tell ME
who the legal men are. Answer: Adams and Muta. That's why when O'Haire
covers Vampiro while Adams is simultaneously covering Muta, Tucker has no
qualms about counting the pinfall solely for Adams - nor the music guy have
no problem with IMMEDIATELY playing Kronic's music as if there's NO
CONTROVERSY AT ALL. (5:18) Of course, it doesn't
stop all five
commentators from ignoring the fact that Jindrak & O'Haire were illegally
in the ring and wondering aloud why we didn't get new tag team champions.
HEY DUMBASS, THE LEGAL MEN WERE ADAMS AND MUTA STOP. Jindrak & O'Haire
make "I want da belt" motions to Kronic - so they waffle 'em with the title
belts. Yeah! Take THAT, you young punks who don't deserve the push! Muta
IMMEDIATELY mists Adams...then Clark. The Paint Jobbers grab the belts and
Meanwhile, in the office, Cat tells Douglas he's booking him and Kidman in a Viagra on a Pole match. That's it, I'm outta here.
Meanwhile, Booker T. thanks Sting for taking care of business. Still want the title shot? Sting wants to know if he's okay with it. "This one's...for the people." "Then I'm in!"
Oh, crazy Jarrett with them TracFones
Is it just me or do they go out of their way to avoid showing Fatone in this "spinnin' the bottle" ad? FATONE! I CANNOT RESIST HIM
Close captioning on Monday Nitro sponsored by MEINEKE
Pamela stands with Jindrak & O'Haire. Jindrak: "Kronic - we may be new, but we're not dumb. What you did tonight is a bunch o' crap." O'Haire: "We're all about paying our dues here in the WCW - but NOBODY takes advantage of us! Kronic, listen closely: this isn't over by a LONG shot!" Ummm...NEITHER OF YOU WERE THE LEGAL MAN - did they teach you about THAT at the Power Plant? Also, for some reason I just happened to notice that they were REALLY into "ECW seasick cameraman mode" for this interview so I'll mention that here
FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) v. BILLY KIDMAN in a Viagra on a pole match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday for this tape - and Wednesday for that tape. Bottle hanging from pole is helpfully labeled "VIAGRA" for the slower amongst us. God, I NEVER realised how funny dick jokes could be until this moment! "Cut the damn music! I bet you Cincinnati morons think it's pretty damn cute that the Cat booked a Viagra on a pole match! Well I don't blame the commissioner - I blame that stinkin' son of a bitch Billy Kidman! Now as far as Torrie Wilson and I are concerned, this sex tape bull(shit) has gone on long enough! So tonight, Billy Kidman, you get yours - and you people in Cincinnati get a lesson in gettin' your asses Franchised!" Insert standard "doin' it in da butt" joke here. Tony runs down the rules for this match - I'm shocked, I figured it was just "whoever gets the Viagra gets to use it," just like every other (something) on a pole match. The over/under on the Viagra dropping on its own is ten seconds. Tony says that, yes indeed, you can use the bottle on your opponent. Oh, so it *is* like every other...I suppose I should stop typing and just watch. 'Cause you DAMN well know that this concept is so LAME that I can't help but completely ignore any play-by-play obligation out of protest. But I'll tell you what - if somebody uses the Kunze Stump Puller in this match, I'll stop everything and tell you. Why does that Viagra label have a diving flag on it? There's a joke in there SOMEWHERE...
flash to Kidman busting out a Tomokaze and reaching the Viagra -
he's got it! But as he jumps down, Franchise hits the Franchiser on
Kidman. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson, having been distracted by Wilson on
the apron for a good minute or so, turns around, sees Franchise holding
what's left of the bottle (it broke as he hit the Franchiser) and calls for
the bell. What, you don't need to get a pin in this match? It would have
been nice if they'd told us THAT before the match. Oh
well. (4:59) I
thought Viagra were blue. Anyway, commentators try to tell us that
Kidman's mouth ended up full of Viagra - what a SMART, SMART thing to get
across with children watching.
Major Gunns puts on some makeup
Meanwhile, Miss Hancock puts on her glasses. Schiavone: "Coming up - a women's hardcore match - THIS IS NITRO"
Jarrett and TracFone - a winning team
COMING UP: Kevin Nash readies his straitjacket
Meanwhile, Scott Steiner pumps up.
MISS HANCOCK v. MAJ. GUNNS in a hardcore match - they go to the shower - they go to a table of desserts - they use cake - meanwhile, in the ring and for no apparent reason, SGT. AWOL & DAVID FLAIR are duking it out. Hancock reverses an Irish whip and Gunns goes through the table. Scoop - and a slam. Cover - 1, 2, 3. Thank God. (2:49) Hancock starts dancing, then removes Gunns' shirt. Awol is back in the ring...but nothing happens. The perfect ending to this segment, I suppose. Awol listens to System of a Down - that explains everything!
Booker T prepares for his match
Meanwhile, Sting prepares for his match - but the tape ends - Sting is locked in a freezeframe forever.... Tony: "Well fans--" and he's cut off. Har har!
New Blood Rising Promo
Kidman, feeling rather happy, stumbles upon three Nitro Girls. They all want to go back to the hotel with him. Kidman tells us he's been having "a hard day." Oh, I see - his dick is hard. Waaha. Say, remember when Terri gave Meat Viagra prior to his Sunday Night Heat match with Big Boss Man? I bet Russo does!
WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. KEVIN NASH in a straitjacket match - well, at least by doing play-by-play for THIS match, it's just LIKE I'm extending my string of not doing play-by-play - yuk yuk yuk. "Cut the music! Bill Goldberg and Kevin Nash - I'm gonna tell you the difference between me and you two guys. See at New Blood Risin', the highlight of your night will be beatin' the hell out of each other. The highlight of MY night is when I leave the show because I never go home alone, because I'm (hung like Holmes), and that's why all my freaks know there's nothing finer than doin' the six(tyniner) with Scott Steiner." Sure, NOW they cut to a Gordon Solie sign.
No ref for this match, no opening bell - we'll just guess.
Nash with a knee, right, into the ropes, sidewalk slam, leg hooked - no,
see, there's no ref. Nash brushes his hair back, right, brush hair back,
knee, knee, knee, brush hair back, right, brush hair back, elbow, brush
hair back, elbow, brush hair back - OH MAN!! HE'S FRAMING THE ELBOW!!!!!!
Nash pulls his pants up and puts a foot on the neck. Midajah gets up on
the apron and pulls Nash off by his hair. Steiner with an uppernut.
Belly-to-belly suplex by Steiner. HE tries for a pin, 'cause he's stupid.
OH BOY! Very special interview on Thunder with Vince Russo! It'll be
Russotastic, you can damn well bet! And I'LL be here to make fun of it!
Into the ropes, Steinerline, kiss the bicep, drop the elbow. Pushups for
Steiner. Kick to the side. Kick. Kick. The pace has slowed to
"deliberate." Steiner tosses Nash out of the ring - and follows. Nash put
in the barricade. Nash put back in the ring. Standing on the neck.
Steiner with words for the crowd. Steiner stomps. Nash put in the corner,
kick, kick, kick, right, whip into the opposite corner, Nash puts up a
boot, mounts him, right, right, right, right, right, brushes his hair back,
and pulls up his pants. Into the ropes, big boot, brush hair back. Scoop
- Steiner fighting it - into a bearhug, sorta - Nash walks over to the
corner and drops him snake eyes style. Got him in a choke - Midajah back
in the ring and with a chair - Scott Hall-style chokeslam, Midajah with the
SOFTEST chairshot in the world. Nash turns around, brushes back his hair
and grabs her. Brushing his hair back - TRUCKSTOP POWERBOMB!! Turning to
Steiner - oh, but here comes RICK WOOF
WOOF. Ah nuts. Forearm, forearm,
right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big boot by Nash, brush hair
back, going to powerbomb Rick but Scott has the chair - WHACK. Scott
motions to Rick to get the straitjacket - then puts Nash in the Steiner
Recliner. Rick puts Nash in the straitjacket while this is going on - hey,
how's the Cat feel about this? Rick and Scott manage to figure out the
buckles and secure Nash - then tie up the sleeves. Steiner almost goes out
after somebody throwing trash at him. Somebody decides maybe Steiner's
music should be played and we should cut this off. We'll cal that the end.
(6:03) TRAINER DANNY YOUNG tries to
on Midajah but Steiner chases him out of the ring. We go to break...
Moments Ago - powerbomb for Midajah - new coat for Nash
During the Break, Steiner carried Midajah off
WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: (THIS IS) STING v. BOOKA T. - Sting's the man for putting over the champ by letting him enter last. On Thunder, Cat is going to lay a bombshell on Lance Storm. I bet it involves him defending all three belts in separate matches at the pay-per-view...unless somebody changes the script because I happened to (ha) guess (ha) correctly. Referee is Charles Robinson. Handshake to start. Each man supposedly has a bad wheel. T leads the crowd in some rhythmic clapping. Lockup, side headock by T, chainwrestling to a side headlock on the other side - Sting powers out - off the ropes, shoulderblock by T - off the ropes up and over, hiplock takeover by Sting. Running clothesline by Sting. In the corner, whip out to the opposite corner is reversed by T, boot up by Sting, running clothesline sends T spinning. Going for the Scorpion Deathlock, but T wriggles to the bottom rope. Sting kicks the back of the knee, again, again, Sting going for the Scorpion Deathlock AGAIN - but again T grabs the bottom rope. T rolls outside to try to get some feeling back in his leg. Sting follows - back kick by T, right, into the barricade is reversed and T hits hard. Sting picks him up and rolls him back in the ring. Sting climbing to the top - Booker put up the knees, but that might have hurt HIM more than Sting. Both men slow to get up - Sting tries a whip but T holds on - knee to the gut, off the ropes, axe kick! T crawls over and covers - 1, 2, NO! TV-14-DL ratings box shows up again. Off the ropes, duck by Sting, crossbody by Sting but as they land they accidentally butt heads - Sting actually loses shis balance here.
outside...oh, GREAT - somebody reaches out from under the ring and drags
him. Putting Sting back out, I spy the DEMON's paintjob. Too bad, I
figured it was Curt Hennig. Sting rolls back in, and his temple is red -
the implication being that somebody conked him on the noodle whilst he was
'neath the canvas. T grabs him and Sting instinctively back elbows -
another back elbow - another. Irish whip into the opposite corner - T
jumps up, spins over and tries for the body scissors rollup - it's ugly,
but it worked anyway - 1, 2, no! T ducks a phantom move from Sting - Sting
ducks a Harlem sidekick - Sting with a gutshot - and a DDT! Sting covers -
1, 2, NO! Into the ropes, Sting's head down, T kicks, kick, going for a
suplex but Stinger counters - trying a Scorpion Death Drop but *T*
counters, turning around and going for the Book End - and that HITS! 1, 2,
3! (5:11) Sting
rolls out - and goes under the ring ...and now he pulls
out the Demon - right, backhand chop, right, hmm I guess Booker's finisher
didn't do THAT much to him. Demon put in a barricade, draped over another
- here come THE PAINT
JOBBERS and Sting has no problems with THEM,
Now, walking down through the crowd is JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET,
he's got a gee-tar to break over *somebody*. Finally, the numbers take
over on Sting - Jarrett chairs T while Muta, Vampiro and Demon walk away
with Sting. Jarrett's got a rope from the rafters and he ties it around
Booker's leg. So while he's getting his leg further damaged by being
pulled by it from the ceiling, Sting has been thrown into the Demon's
sarcophagus - *and* Demon spits some fire onto it. Jarrett swings the
guitar - and gets Booker in the knee. Credits are up - and we're out.