/28 August 2000
must I print MEAN letters all the time? Here's a nice
one from Eric. Dear Chris, Although I am a confessed WCW mark, I just
wanted to let you know that I always make sure that I read your Nitro and
Thunder recap's before anything else on the Net. Listen, I disagree with
almost everything you have to say about WCW, but it's really about time
that wrestling fans got a sense of humor. Your columns are witty,
thoughtful, and creative and rarely disappoint, which is a heck of a lot
more than I can say for most of your Internet colleagues. You know, before
we all got so smart, wrestling was supposed to be fun. FUN!!! Again, I
almost never agree with you, but you make me laugh and I have FUN reading
your columns. Keep up the good work and if you can, give WCW a break!
See? He didn't take it PERSONALLY that I didn't enjoy his fed's show. Why can't you ALL be like Eric? He has FUN!
For a point that should make you think, listen to JEngel2081: I just realized something odd about WCW's title holders. When Booker T first won the WCW belt you offhandedly said you thought it was due to the discrimination lawsuit. Well now 3/4 of WCW's title holders are african american, with Elix Skipper, Booker T, and Norman Smiley. The tag champions also are a minority as they're Mexicans. The US champ isn't even American so he doesn't play into America's race relations. I wonder?
I'm SURE it's just a coincidence. After all, last week he was chaining up ALL the minorities - it all evens out, see? Coincidence!
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 58 13/16 (+ 2), TWX 86 1/2 (+ 3 5/16), SPLN 17 15/16 (+ 1/2 - last year this time, 24 13/16 - booya)
"Coming up next - put down the remote and pick up an attitude!" Why, thank you - I think I will
WCW logo - two cans and a piece of string
TV-14-DL - is this some kind of time warp we're in? Because this Very Special Look at the NWO looks like something from LAST year - except, of course, Scott Hall has been edited out - hey, that guy looks like Bret Hart. Wonder who he is? Here's the close captioned logo as well
And now, from behind the Pan-American Center on the University of New Mexico in Las Cruces, NM 28.8.2K this is Nitro, a limousine pulls up...and out come Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett...and Vince Russo. Good lord, are they REALLY gonna try to convince me that getting the BAND back together is what this company needs?
JOBBIN' JUGGALO & INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Great Muta) v. 3 COUNT - 3 Count gets about a two second entrance before an alleged Pier Six Brawl breaks out. Muta takes third headset (Hudson is off having a baby - well, HE'S not having it, but) and does his "Masato Tanaka without charisma" commentary, repeating himself three or four times before saying "VAMPEEEEEERUUUU" Sadly, Muta's commentary ("aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" (makes Muta face) (rolls lips)) For some reason, ICP is over with this college crowd. Too bad Vampiro isn't...Shannon Moore takes the Nail in the Coffin from Vampiro, Samoan Drop from Violent J, and a top-rope guillotine from Shaggy 2 Dope - Vampiro covers for the pin. (2:40) JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE runs out after the match...and beats up 3 Count. For the heck of it, the Paint Jobbers run back in and work on Tank - 3 Count joins them. You'd think six on one would be enough, but Tank seems to be holding his own - well, just in case, DEMON comes out - amazingly, the six get the better of the two and before Demon can turn it around, Muta hits the ring and gives him some green mist (was the camera change at the time of the misting accidental - or did they just find another thing to censor?). What does this segment have in common with my favourite granola? CLUSTER! The lights go out and (THIS IS) STING comes in to take out seven men all by himself. Sting clears the ring and then stands triumphant..with Demon and Abbott.
Now, try to put aside the fact that I'm biased for just a moment.
Can YOU tell me who's getting pushed from that last segment?
The NWO - err, whatever they're called now - are WALKING! The Natural Born Thrillers are right behind them...you can tell them by their matching T-shirts
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!
Here comes the NWO - ERR, THE ... THE ... THOSE GUYS for some (hey Cheetah) sophisticated storytelling. The Thrillers (who are getting a push...right?) stand outside the ring and guard the aisle - what, R&B Security wasn't available? Russo, of course, will speak first. "Hey hey - YOU cheer Scott Steiner, YOU cheer Kevin Nash, YOU cheer me! See, because what this is is this right here is a family. This is the elite group in WCW! I came here eleven months ago with a plan, and now the band is back together! Bill Goldberg, I gave you the easy way to get outta this. All you hadda do was sign your release. But no, you want to do this the hard way? Well now it's gonna get New York ugly, pal. Now if you will, show some resepct for the Chosen One!" "Vinny Ru, I wanna take a moment to thank you for remindin' ALL these slapasses that I AM the Chosen One, and that I will be the man that always has all the stroke around this place - but if I may digress for a moment, I've got a question to ask each and every one of ya. Take a look at these three athletes standin' in the ring. Do you honestly think there's ANYONE in WCW - especially Goldberg that can stop the three of us? With Vinny Ru backin' us? There's no way in hell! The fact is, it burns each and every one of you every damn day that Big Kev is back on the team - OUR team - but I'm out here for another reason. Mike Awesome, ya big drop o' water, ya big stinkin' (?), you cost me the title. And since we're in the mood for makin' matches tonight, and makin' the rules, and since I got all the stroke around this place, your ass is as good as mine at Fall Brawl. And it's not gonna just be a match, 'cause I'm gonna put you in a match that may be the only way to knock some sense into ya, and that's a Bunkhouse Brawl, so choke on that, slapnut!" "Goldberg...the message is clear to you and all you white trash out there, nobody puts their hands on my freaks! So last week, I got my revenge, and it was sweet - and you found out that payback was a bitch! See, the only difference between me and you is...Midajah's good lookin',
could shave my ass and walk backwards and look better than your girlfriend.
So last Monday night on Nitro, when I left you beaten down, beaten up, you
realised then and there that you're no match for the man with the largest
arms in the world, you're no match for the genetic freak, and if you didn't
realise it last Monday, I'll prove it to you tonight, next week, and at
Fall Brawl if you don't realise it, I'll kick your ass there too." "You
know...couple years ago I decided to call myself Big Sexy. I probably
should have deemed myself the Puppetmaster. You see, every couple of
months, I sucked you people in so you'd buy my merchandise. Now that it's
all been bought and off the shelves, you get the real me. I don't give a
damn about any of ya...and I never have. You can't get me title shots, you
can't get me belts, you can't watch my back, but these guys can. The only
thing that matters to me... ["Cold Beer!"] You can chant for Goldberg -
you can chant for the champ, Booker T...but as you chant for the champ,
Booker T, get it out of your systems, because in Buffalo, you're lookin' at
the next world champion, folks!" "Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kevin,
wait a minute. I hate to correct you, but you're wrong. Hear me out.
You're not gonna become the WCW World Champion in Buffalo at Fall Brawl, no
- you're gonna become the WCW Champion right here tonight in this hole!
Because tonight, it will be Kevin Nash - MY Kevin Nash - against Booker T -
and to make sure there ain't no screwjob, Mr. Jarrett, you will be the
special guest referee on the inside, and Mr. Steiner, you will be the guest
enforcer on the outside! Now Booker - can u dig that?" Here to tell us if
he digs that is BOOKA
T. "Yo, listen up, Vince. I know this for a fact
that I speak for everybody in this arena tonight - would you PLEASE shut
the hell up. You know, everybody in that ring, they're talking about this,
they're talking about that, and you KNOW you can't back none of it up -
especially you, Big Sexy. So I gotta say it for each and every one of you
guys in that ring, and it goes a little something like this...save the
drama...for yo momma. Now the fact is this: I see four nothin'-happenin',
playa hatas in the middle of that ring that's lookin' for a beatdown
*tonight*. So guess what, Russo - you gon' get to make that decision -
which one of your boys get their ass whooped tonight." "I tell you what,
Booker, look - I'm not gonna sit in this ring and go back and forth, back
and forth - I'm from New York, I'm a gentlemen. You wanna discuss this,
you come in this ring and you discuss it face to face, man to man. Bring
it! Bring it!" "Get your puppets outta my way." "Let him through guys.
Let him through. Come on Book!" Before he gets there,
COMMISSIONER CAT &
MRS. JONES are out. "Wait a minute, turn that
music off. Vince, who in
the hell do you think you are? You know, you come out here, you can't book
a damn match tonight, I'm the boss! These people don't wanna see your ass
tonight!" "Oh yeah, let me tell you something - let me tell you something,
Dol'mite. You're gonna come in here and do something about it?" "I'm
gonna Dolemite yo' ass, okay? So, I'm gonna tell you what, baby - go to my
car and get my karate suit - I'm gonna beat some asses tonight. So Booker
T, you don't have to step into that ring with those hungry, dirty dogs -
let's do it together. And Vince, I got one more thing to tell you. You
get your ass up here right now. I am the boss, okay? You come out here
tryin' to book these matches - I want you and your three (probably
"girlfriends" - they always mute that for some reason) to get the hell
outta town." "All right - Cat--" "No, no, now I'm gon' tell you something
- now - I HAVE SPOKEN!" Russo makes him pay for turning his back by
kicking him in the nuts. Steiner, Nash and Jarrett work over Cat and T -
next run-in is the FILTHY
ANIMALS, but there's still six (well...five and a
gimp) Thrillers outside the ring. Disco put in the ring for a Nash
chokeslam. Konnan put in for the Stroke. Mytserio gets a big Nash boot.
Juice is pressed by Steiner (took two tries) and, after something is muted,
gets dropped. "Any other takers? I didn't think so, let's go." As they
make their way back up the ramp, on the Nitrotron we see Goldberg...diggin'
a grave. He promises to make it back to the arena and take out every one
of Russo's goons. Then he's gonna get Russo - and dump him in the grave.
Afterwards, he'll drink beer and say OH HELL YEAH. "Russo - your ass is
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), America (ha!) Online, Motel 6 7/8, and Corn Nuts
Moments Ago - spot the push as Cat, Booker T and the Animals all go down while Russo, Nash, Jarrett and Steiner are in the ring
Back live, where Cat is loaded in an ambulance. Booker tells him not to worry - *he'll* handle Nash.
Meanwhile, in Russo's office, he asks his men not to leave his side tonight. He also says "Jesus," which gets muted. Nash says he needs to prepare for his match and takes off. Steiner says he's got to beautify for GQ in his dressing room - but he'll be back if Goldberg shows up. Jarrett says he's got a special delivery coming to take care of Goldberg - he needs to go get it. By the way...why's Kevin getting that shot instead of him? "You might not like the calls I'll be makin' in that match." Wow, who had fifteen minutes in the pool for how long this incarnation would last? FINALLY, Brisco, Patterson AND Slaughter all decide at the same time that they'd like to go get a cup of coffee. Unbelievable! Left alone, Russo's phone rings...and golly, it's that MAGIC phone that allows us to hear whomever's on the other end - seen two other times in the EXACT same situtation - not that Vince would steal from HIMSELF or nothin'.
"Hey Russo - Goldberg here - you want ratings? (Russo throws phone
away - yet we continue to hear him) I'm on my way."
PAISLEY v. TYGRYSS v. MAJOR GUNNS in three-way ...heh heh... "action" - Paisley comes out to Kwee-wee's music...and the aftermath of Russo's office, as someone's forgotten to turn off a mic somewhere. All three entrances combined take less than a minute because...go figure, with all that talking, we're ALREADY running late. Paisley tells Gunns to lock it up with Tygress, and, after she turns her back, kicks her in the back with a martial arts kick. Gunns slumps forward into an elbow to the throat. Tygress grabs the legs, flips forward in a bridge, and gets the pin. Ummmm....okay. (0:20) Bell rings and Penzer announces the winner - then the commentators, for some reason, pretend the match DIDN'T end and we DIDN'T just hear the bell ring and Penzer announce the winner. Also, referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker didn't hit the canvas for the third time and make the "ring the bell" hand motion. Looks like they DID change their mind....only to change it again. Paisley goes ahead and takes off. Commentators, STILL trying to go on the assumption that the match is still going on, asks why Paisley is walking out on her. Umm, on who? Finally, they give up altogether and cut to
Rey Mysterio, Jr. walks by the Thrillers, who are standing outside Russo's door - he tries to change directions, but they catch him. "Hey, little boy - did you lose your mommy and daddy?" It's all a ruse so Disco can mace them - then the Animals administer a beatdown with bats and pipes. Konnan opens the door and calls to Russo: "Yo Vino! Looks like you got some boys laying down on the job - looks like you need some more backup." They...walk off? I guess. We go to ad break before we can figure it out.
The WWF sneaks in a house show ad in the local slot - 7 October, San Jose - tix on sale Friday at 10am!!
Promotional consideration paid for by the WCW Nitro trading card game (bogus URL removed - thanks), Targon (and Torgo), Bubble Yum, and America (wha?) Online
Jeff Jarrett, outside the arena, meets a Ford pickup filled with gee-tars
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Mike Awesome, decked out in a powder blue leisure suit along with a wide-collared shirt and gold chains - total 70's getup - did his gimmick just change again? During this interview segment, a ripoff of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" plays in the background. He accepts Jarrett's challenge for Fall Brawl, and also asks Rick Steiner to make THEIR match tonight a Bunkhouse match as a tuneup.
Now, try to put aside the fact that I'm biased for just a moment.
How exactly is a guy like Mike Awesome EVER supposed to get over when they can't keep a gimmick on him for more than two weeks?
KRONYKK v. THE HARRIS BROTHERZ in the House of Pain - because this feud has been SO heated and intense over the past...FIFTEEN DAYS?!? And they're ALREADY going to the gimmick matches? Look, if I say this is "desperation booking," how can you even THINK of coming back with "you're just biased?" How can you factually look at this as anything other than Vince Russo's ADD-influenced hypertimeline desperation? You know what? I'm starting to think YOU'RE biased. Mark Coale was right - if you REALLY cared about this company, you'd SHOW your righteous indignation at the craptacular job being done in the hopes that something better could result - the we could actually get back to having COMPETITION. I mean, for half the country this is an UNOPPOSED SHOW. Is THIS how you hook the fans? Twenty second three-way women's matches? Cage walls that "break" so that we don't have to have a definitive decision? That's right - Kronic put Heavy D into a cage wall, and it promptly collapses so he can roll out to the floor. All four men out on the floor. Now Don decides to start wailing on a front row fan and get muted. I sez it's a plant ("Now Don, go for the guy wearing the red bandana.") Anyway, SECURITY comes out and separates all four men - the bell rings and apparently all this cage is...is another way to gimmick a non-finish. Remember when the cage was used to ENSURE a finish? That's...irony. Right? (No contest 2:23)
NEXT: Team Canada - all two of them - are WALKING!
Fall Brawl promo - it's 17 September - they'll PROBABLY still be in business by then
Hey, how about an intra-show "Way of
the Gun" advert? There's
another sweepstakes on WCW.com, I hear
LANCE STORM & ELIX SKIPPER hit the ring for their five-second entrace - hurry hurry hurry - "If I can be serious for a minute, I've got a challenge to lay out for the MIA - they like comin' out here and playin' war, but tonight, I'm not playin'. I'm challengin' you to a Prisoner of War match - where the winner gets to take one of the loser's team members prisoner. So boys, if you got the guts, get your butts out here." Ooh, he's angry - he said BUTTS! Here are THE MIA (sans Stash and AWOL) to answer. Rection: "Lance Storm - Lance Storm - as far as your concerned, MIA now stands for "Made in America." And just like the Aggies of New Mexico, we back down for nothing! You wanna Prisoner of War match? You got it - but it's gonna be a table match - and it's gonna be with AWOL!"
LANCE STORM (with Elix Skipper) v. SGT. AWOL (with Gen. Rection & Maj. Gunns & Lt. Loco & Cpl. Cajun) in a POW tables match - let's see...one team has two members. The other team has a woman. I *wonder* who's gonna lose. Before you can figure that out, Skipper is using the Canadian flag to halt an apron suplex attempt - Storm hits a springboard dropkick and AWOL crashes through the table. (1:08) Storm grabs Cajun and walks off! He's got Cajun! CAJUN IS A PRISONER OF TEAM CANADA! Oh, no, wait. He *did* grab Major Gunns. Sorry to trick you there.
Paulshock stands with Sting - Muta challenged him to a match tonight - is it just another trick from Vampiro? After they turn down Schiavone's headset, we hear Sting say he accepts the challenge and also, it's showtime, folks.
Meanwhile, Booker T. is lacing 'em up!
RICK WOOF WOOF v. CAREER KILLER FAT CHICK THRILLER AWESOME MULLET - NOW A 70's ICON in a Bunkhouse Brawl - Steiner's got new music again - is he separated from Scott again? "I am the DFG - Awesome, sounds like you got more problems than brains - so if you want some, come get some! You don't like me?" Crowd finishes it. Although this is a Bunkhouse Brawl, neither man comes as they are, opting for wrestling gear instead. The WHOOSH Fall Brawl logo is pretty cool looking - 20 days away. Outside we go - safety rail in play. Awesome sets up a table in the ring...but before he can Awesomebomb Steiner through it, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out with a pipe and whacks Awesome with it. Schiavone: "the referee didn't even see it!" Me: "Are YOU blind, Tony?" Not only did the ref see it, it's LEGAL. Which isn't to say that it's not TOTALLY LAME, but... Steiner with the German suplex through the table - 1, 2, 3. (1:52) Jarrett has a pickup truck bed FULL of gee-tars and he has to use a PIPE on Awesome? It's almost like he knows those things *don't really hurt*
NEXT: Booker T. is WALKING!
VIC VENOM & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & WHITE THUNDER (and the TV-14-DL ratings box) are out to watch over the next match...their entrance is about ten seconds - we're in a HURRY here.
WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE - KEVIN NASH (with "Booker T. vs. Kevin Nash" Fall Brawl graphic) v. BOOKA T. - Russo, taking third headset, informs us that he's here to witness a "New York screwjob." Russo is promising us a screwjob. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. "God is my witness; you're gonna see a title change." What, like Palumbo's title reign of last week? Can you BELIEVE what we just heard? On a WRESTLING show, Vince Russo just *guaranteed* that in a WRESTLING match for the World Heavyweight WRESTLING championship, we weren't gonna *get* any WRESTLING! Is it any WONDER that in the middle of Booker's entrance, the west coast has NO PROBLEMS switching over to USA to watch the competition?
I mean, look it at
from an impartial standpoint and forget your biases. THIS IS A NO BRAINER
(as long as you're not named Russo). If you try to write it off as another
"Internet jackass bashes WCW without reason" and IGNORE what's unfolding
RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES....hell, you DESERVE what you get. You may
think otherwise, but we're really not asking for much. So, the storyline.
Jarrett makes a big show out of calling it down the middle, keeping Steiner
away from Nash on the outside, threating to count both men out, sitting
Russo back at the commentary table when he gets up, and so forth. Steiner
DOES sneak in a shot off a reversed whip, and Jarrett... bars him from
ringside. Nash, hooking the leg off the big boot to the face, gets no
count as Jarrett is busy sending Steiner back. Tony: "Could we be seeing
this unravel before our eyes?" Yeah, and it's such a shock becuase, you
know...IT JUST RE-FORMED AN *HOUR* AGO. Give me ONE reason, as a fan, to
invest ANYTHING into these characters. You can't even lay a foundation for
the characters in the amount of time they're trying to tell this entire
story! You can TELL I'm unhappy because I haven't called a SINGLE instance
of Nash brushing back his hair. Ending must be coming up...we hear
somebody doing a mic check over the soundtrack. Sure enough, Russo hands
Jarrett a gee-tar and he completes the SHOCKING SWERVE by giving El Kabong
to Booker. What...you thought Jarrett was calling it down the middle just
for the hell of it? You actually think that six minutes is enough time for
a beginning, a middle, and an end of a wrestling angle? Truckstop Drop -
1, 2, 3. Tony: "This is an outrage! ... This is one of the worst things
ever to happen to the WCW title!" I don't know...could be worse. They
could have given it to an actor. Ladies and gentlemen...we have a new WCW
Champion. Fuck you, fans. (7:32)
Fall Brawl promo - you just got the main event for free - you really wanna drop thirty bones on it NOW?
Jeff Jarrett shills TracFone
Your host is TONY SCHIAVONE. "Why don't they take a baseball bat, hit him over the top of the head, Booker T., in the parking lot, take the title and run with it? Same thing."
Wendy's Mozzarella Chicken Supreme provides the replay of El Kabong, powerbomb, three count, Russo/Nash hug, and Nash smarmy smirk while celebrating his victory in the corner.
In the office, they whoop it up - Nash says he's off to take a shower
Meanwhile, Booker T. leaves the building over Gen. Rection's protest - but as he leaves...Goldberg enters. "You can't leave yet - the fun's just begun!" Gosh, I hope Russo wasn't watching that on a monitor or something
Meanwhile, FRANCHISE & TORRIE SAMUDA are up in the crowd. "It seems, WCW, that the Franchise has gotta make a statement around here. I've not been given my dues that I'm rightfully deserving of for having taken this stinking sport on my back and singlehandedly saved it! Now I'm talking some facts. Billy Kidman, it's a fact that you know now what the saying 'you just got your ass Franchised' means! Nyaha!
It's also a fact,
Billy, and I'm big enough man to say it, that I didn't get the job done at
New Blood Rising. I left ya alive, Billy - I could have snapped that
little skinny neck, and I chose not to. I'll not make that mistake again,
Kidman, because I challenge you at Fall Brawl, if you're man enough to
accept, a Pittsburge Plunge scaffold match. Hahahahaha. Twenty feet up,
Kidman - that's a fact. It's like this, WCW, I'm the man around here!
That's a fact! That's a fact! That's a fact, jackaaaaaaass!" CROWBAR
appears with a trashcan lid and swings away. After a moderate beatdown,
Crowbar stops and looks off at something else...giving Franchise JUST
enough time to turn it around...and throw Crowbar off the balcony through a
"concession stand table." We NOW see that Crowbar caught a glimpse of
DAFFNEY & WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLING
ASHLEY HUDSON THESE DAYS - one he does
NOT have now that his eyes are rolling backwards in his head. For an
encore, Franchise makes it down to the floor and beats up on Crowbar a bit
more..*and* a shot for Daffney for good measure. What Daffney and her
boyfriend were doing on the mezzanine, we'll never know. Hey Crowbar,
how's it feel to know you only did that spot because WCW is jealous of
freakin' *Shane McMahon?* By the way, Shane fell from about TWICE as high.
Hell, Wall throwing Crowbar off the Nitrovision tower was more impressive!
Poor Devon Storm - he really deserves better, you know? Franchise and
Torrie have made their way to the ring. I guess they shaved all that time
off ring entrances and matches so we could accommodate this entire trip?
"How ya like me now, WCW?" Umm, that's Hardcore Holly's tagline. "I am
officially serving notice that up there, for a Franchise, was a little bump
in the road - a simple warmup. You see, Kidman, I make my living every
Monday night, as the #1 man in this sport. Every Monday on Nitro,
wrestling fans from around the world tune in to see a Franchise. Now, I've
got an idea, I'm on a roll here, honey, if there's anybody in the building
man enough to stand up to the Franchise, well come on down!" Did Franchise
try to use "WCW," "wrestling," and "sport" in the same promo?
FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) v. COLD BEER - not an official match, but what is in WCW these days? Goldberg spears him so hard, he busts open his OWN head. Oh oh, he may have to take another six months off! Jackhammer. No closeups - the man is BLEEDING. Crowd chants. "Hey Shane! That's what you call being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even though you are a (mute) - Russo - guess who's in the building?"
Close captioning on Nitro sponsored by Meineke (whose eke?)
Nash goes to take a shower - a dot covers up his...swim trunks. Camera zooms back in on the belt...and shows Booker T grabbing it, ramming Nash's head into the side of the shower, and waffling him with the belt...then leaving him laying. Man, this is just like that Thunder where Goldberg....oh wait...nobody watches Thunder, so it's okay to steal from THAT. Booker T: "You better watch yo back, sucka! Yeah!"
Russo IS watching on a monitor, and tells Steiner he's coming for him next. Steiner says he'll be back. Russo begs him to stay, and all he gets for his troubles is a warning that he best never touch Steiner again. I'm feeling deja vu!"
"You are cordially invited to attend the marriage of Ms. Hancock & David Flair. September 11th, Charlotte, NC." I thought her name was Stacy and she was a Keebler elf?
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. VINCE RUSSO'S GOOD FRIEND, BIG VITO (with Let Us Take You Back One Week) - Last week, Nash steamrolled Vito - I mean, "Vito really impressed in a losing effort to Nash." Instead of talking about this match, I believe I'll talk about Russo and Goldberg. No, check that. I'll fast forward to the end instead.
Jarrett blocks the
"Big Vito Special" (jumping DDT) and hits the Stroke for the
The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report reveals that Nitro hits the Reunion Arena in Dallas next Monday
Hey, how about another "Way of the Gun" ad? Wanna bet it doesn't do as well as, say, "Highlander: Endgame?"
Jarrett goes to his pickup truck full of gee-tars...and Mike Awesome jumps out from under the pile. Well, that explains why he never unloaded them, opting instead to leave them out in the open for anybody to help themselves...Awesome powerslams Jarrett into the guitars.
THIS graphic sez that Goldberg is taking on Scott Steiner at Fall Brawl
Here come the NATURAL BORN THRYLLYRZ - Mike Sanders speaks: "The Natural Born Thrillers are gonna do it to you one time, tonight's the night, we're gonna do it right here in Las Cruces, New Mexico, 'cause I believe it's five thriller time, a lit bit of here, a little bit of there, a little bit of EVERYwhere. I know we're pretty, but we're all about business tonight. We've been bustin' our ass for two years, we're gonna spend the next ten kickin' yours, so Filthy Animals, you stuck your nose where it don't belong ('specially, you Disco), so uh, how 'bout a little five on five tag team elimination? You think you can win it? C'mon get in it." Wait...how many Animals are there again?
NATURAL BORN THRYLLYRZ v. FILTHY ANYMYLZ in an elimination match - Shawn Stasiak takes third headset and immediately busts out "Tony Jabrone." Normally, I'd expect this to be a pretty good match with a lot of moves I would want to call so, years from now, we could look back and experience this match again. Of course, I'm not in that kind of mood tonight. It doesn't make me feel any regret when referee "Blind" Billy Silverman somehow manages to simultaneously count out eight men (8COR 4:15) despite the fact that only two are legal at any given time - nonetheless leaving Sanders and Tygress to fight for the win. WOW - TYGRESS WORKS TWICE TONIGHT!! Sanders enjoys a hearty laugh and suggests SHE take the countout. She slaps him one, kicks him in the nuts (UN FOUL! UUUUUUUN FOOOOOUL - oh, I guess that's legal tonight), elbow and Sanders goes flying. Broncobuster. Stasiak: "Faceful o' stuff!" Tony: "Save me from this." SANDERS NO-SELLS THE BRONCOBUSTER! Sanders hits her with the neckbreaker/backbreaker combo, which is now called the "three point oh" - 1, 2, 3. (5:25) Quick! Cut to
In Steiner's dressing room, Goldberg walks in - Steiner thinks it's Russo, until Goldberg puts a pipe to a nearby mirror and takes him down. He walks off with "Payback's a bitch...ain't it?" We're left to wonder how hitting a mirror wounds Steiner. OH WAIT! I GET IT! Breaking a mirror means SEVEN MORE YEARS OF WCW
Jeff Jarrett shills TracFone - again
Vince Russo plays like Wings - he's a man on the run. Spying Big Vito, he attempts to reconcile 'cause he needs somebody to watch his back. Vito says they can probably come to an arrangement. Then he kisses him on the lips. You and *I* know that that's a very significant, meaningrul act between Paisans - unfortunately, we are trumped when we hear an audible fan cry out "dude, I *knew* he was gay"
Tony 'splains it to us - Russo just got the Kiss of Death - and not Torrie's version, neither. Nash is out in the shower, Jarrett's in the turck of guitars, and Steiner is out near a mirror.
Still, VIC VENOM - KING OF THE 2.0 SEGMENT is out with VINCE RUSSO'S GOOD FRIEND, BIG VITO - half of the crowd chants "homo" but they're covered up by the other half, chanting "cold beer." YES! MORE RUSSO ON THE STICK! "Goldberg - this is MY show, this is MY house, and these are MY people. I am not gonna run from you any longer. You want a piece of me? I'm standing right here in the middle of the ring." COLD BEER is out - let's see if we get a good look at that eye or not. Nope. I can almost hear how it went down: "Now, Bill, listen. You've GOT to keep the LEFT side of your head towards the camera AT ALL TIMES." "Let me remind you of one thing - you can not lay one finger on me! You lay one finger on me, I will fire you so fast you're head'll--" "Rah!" Russo hides behind Vito. "You think you're funny?" Tony: "Boy, this - this is real life, fans." Oh, don't go there, Tonmeister. THERE'S a closeup - looks like a staple in his head, I'm SURE I'm wrong about that, though - it's a pretty hellacious cut, though. "You talk the talk and you walk the walk, punk, I'm beggin' ya - I'm beggin' ya! Yeah - I didn't THINK so. As they say in the Bronx, Vito, take out this piece of garbage." Vito, of course, takes the stickball stick to the back of..........Russo. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stick, stick, stick, Tony: "I told you! The Italian Kiss of Death - I've seen it too many times." Tony Schiavone: "this friend of ours" Vito keeps up his nonstop onslalught - right, right, right, right, right, right. Goldberg is content to watch. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stick. "Just like this piece of crap said, Vito...take out the garbage. Goldberg toses Vito a set of keys and walks off to his music. Isn't it INTERESTING that the first guy that we see Russo REALLY sell for in...gosh, quite a while... is....his good friend Vito? Vito carries Russo off across his back - Tony tells us that a camera crew will follow them just in case they decide to take off for a shallow grave. By the way, Goldberg didn't take out Nash - *Booker T.* took out Nash. No ad break as we head into our main event - unless, of course, the burial is the main event...
GREAT BALDSPOT v. (THIS IS) STING - Muta meets him in the aisle and it's on. I'll tell you what - I'm gonna fast-forward to the end of this match and if it ends in a clean pin, I'll call it - otherwise, screw 'em. Awwww, shit. Well, they brawl in the aisle, they almost make it to the ring, they go around the ring, they use chairs, they use the barricades, they brawl back UP the aisle - and we see three figures behind the Nitrotron screen - yup, it's ICP & THE JOBBIN' JUGGALO - Shaggy 2 Dope cuts a hole in the screen and Vampiro walks through it. Vampiro unleashes some smoke to obscure Sting's view as he makes his way down - and strikes with a kendo stick. Get this, though - Sting comes back and takes out BOTH Vampiro and Muta. Vampiro tries to climb back up the scaffolding (if he wants to leave, he might just go ahead and use that normal entrance), but Sting pulls him down. Vampiro pulls him down AGAIN and makes the climb up. Sting climbs up the opposite side, Muta following behind. Sting tries to get in some shots, but the ICP are still behind the screen and THEY grab Sting. All five men disappear behind the screen, and we can see stomping in silhouette. We COULD keep watching this...but let's instead cut to
Meanwhile, in the desert, Goldberg has Russo laid out in the sand. He's crying out "Help me....." Another car, behind them, has pulled up - and out walks...Bret Hart?!? "Well, whaddaya know - Bret Hart. How can I help you, man? Shut up!" "You didn't think I was gonna let you enjoy all this for yourself...nobody hates this guy more than I do. You remember Montreal? You remember Survivor Series? You think I would forget, huh?" Kick in the ass for Russo. "This guy's done more to screw with me and my family and my career than anybody! If you don't mind, Bill, I'd like to share this with ya." They shake hands. Did Goldberg just say "oh hell yeah?" Goldberg hands Hart a shovel so he can dig the hole a little deeper - aww, geez, talk about CONTRIVED. If you know Russo, you already know what happens next. If you're still reading, you might be the kind of person that actually needs to WATCH this show, but I'll tell you anyway. Hart whacks Goldberg in the back with the blade of the shovel. Let's see...that was exactly...FIFTY-ONE SECONDS from the time we saw Hart until he completed the SHOCKING SWERVE - "hey, Bret, let me give you this shovel so you can WHACK ME IN THE BACK WITH IT." Come ON. Hart: "You like to end careers? Do you like to end careers, Bill? So do I - I like to end careers, too!" Tony: "I guess the bad IS back together - all of 'em!" (except Scott Hall)
The reason I keep recapping this show is a fervent hope that it WILL turn around and get better and that you and I WILL want to watch this show - not to mention remember it down the road through my reports. Until that time, however, I see no reason to do any more than coast - albeit, "coast...with still a damn lot of transcribing." So read at your own peril - beg your favourite website to find more recappers if you must - but complaining to me about MY part in this is a waste of time. You'd be better off complaining to WCW about THEIR part in this. And if you can't be bothered to do *that*....well, I hope you at least enjoy the WWF show reports. I'll see you in a few.