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/6 April 1998

WCW Nitro




It's an ambulance! It's Randy Savage! It's Miss Elizabeth! Well, I guess NOW we know how they're going to deal with his injury - they're going to pull a Flair! (See last year: NWO punks Flair with a baseball bat - and we don't see him again for months. Flair loses the US title in the process.)

It's the FIRST HOUR of NITRO! It's TV-14! Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, and theLivingLegendLarry Zbyszko. They are SHOCKED that Savage is down.

Let's go back to the outside and watch some more. After saying "Let's listen in," Tony starts to yammer on when it appears there's nothing worth hearing. The EMT's go to the back board and the neck brace - why, it can only be THE REVENGE OF NICK PATRICK!

LA PARKA, PSYCHOSIS & EL DANDY v. three Japanese guys (names I caught, phonetically spelled, sounded like Tokyo Magnum, Judo Soowa and Nobunaga - let's just call 'em Magnum, Sum, and Laude.) Apparently the three Japanese guys (who don't even get an entrance, now THAT drops you to the DEPTHS of jobberdom - for Nitro, anyway) are students of Ultimo Dragon living in Mexico. This is, I guess, supposed to make you care. This match wasn't very good, and I usually like the lucha style matches. It's so boring that two minutes in, Tony starts in talking about Savage instead of the match. Even TENAY starts talking about Savage, for crying out loud. They finally get to the trademark consecutive flippy-floppy moves where guys line up to talk insane dives out of the ring, leaving Psychosis and - Nobunaga, I think. Nobunaga dives on a moving out of the way Psychosis, who in turn hits a guillotine legdrop for the pin. (4:32) After the match, La Parka gives Psychosis (who, if you've been paying attention IS HIS PARTNER) a chair shot. Apparently, this is payback for Psychosis accidentally flippy-floppy'ing on him earlier in the match - I must have missed it. But I guess they have an "issue" now.

Opening credits - yeah! TWELVE MINUTES INTO THE SHOW!

*Live* from Miami, Floria, and we've got fireworks, baby!

DISCO INFERNO v. BOOKER T. for the WCW Television title - hey, whatever happened to Stevie Ray, anyway? Booker T must be anxiously awaiting the release of the next Kraftwerk album. DI puts the bad mouth on T (that's my belt, blah blah blah) and then, in an incredible show of stupidity, turns his back. Guess what happens, go on, guess. Big sledge from T. Punch, whip and a back body drop and then T shouts to the crowd (kinda like this - "aaaahhhh!") Chop, whip, miss, but come back with a forearm, it's all Booker T! 2 count. Another shout. Arm bar by Booker T. Disco Inferno finally decides to DO something, escaping the arm bar, but running into one of them big kicks. ANOTHER shout. Big punch from Booker T. Now that we're a minute into this match, it's time for Tony's thoughts to turn to Randy Savage. Dueling hiptoss attempts and Disco loses, going over the top rope to the floor. Disco manages to give Booker T a clothesline with the top rope on his way back in, then hits a neckbreaker for 2. Headlock. Chris Benoit's name is FINALLY mentioned in the commentary for this match. T with two elbows, a punch, and a sunset flip for 1. Disco gets a shot in and gets 2. Back to the headlock. And the crowd goes mild! DI with an elbow and some fine smack talk as a followup. There's a slam, and a climb to the ropes, but the fist only meets canvas. Booker T misses a kick - Disco Inferno misses a clothesline, Booker T pancakes him, breakdances back up (everybody loves the breakdancing, you know) and hits a Harlem sidekick. Disco Inferno goes to the eyes to try to gain the advantage, but it doesn't happen, T ducks and then gives either an axe or scissors kick depending on who calls it. Sidewalk slam from Booker T (you know, we used to call that a POWERBOMB). T to the top rope and a missile dropkick gives him the three count. (5:22)

Ooh, look! The Nitro Girls! And they're in their Carmen Miranda outfits, but someone ate all the wax fruit!

Get wired at! On second thought, stick with instead.

Promtional consideration paid for by: Slim Jim, Push Pops, Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, AOL, and the Tootsie Candy Quiz (I passed).

The commentators yammer on about Savage and Hogan, Nash and Hogan, stay tuned for the update on Savage. Let's take a special look at Savage and Hogan, since we'll never get to use this footage again. For those of you who should be studying your vocabulary instead, you are treated to dictionary definitions of "Power, conflict, one" as part of this video package. You may also experience an epileptic fit from the strobe effect.

LENNY LANE v. (billy) KIDMAN - I gotta tellya, I don't like Lane's odds. Lane actually DOES get, like, five offensive moves, including the exciting "flying body attack." Kidman wins with the Seven Year Itch (and as Lorne Greene would say, "that's 49 years to you and me") which Tony tries to call the "Northern Lights." I will give Tony props, however, for managing to call an entire match without mentioning Savage once - talking instead about Lane, Kidman, Jericho, and Malenko.

Mean Gene shills the hotline (only $1.69 per minute!) and brings out JJ Dillon (boo!) who announces that sneak attacks have been banned - no, wait, he doesn't do that. He says there IS more footage, but we can't roll the tape while their investigation is ongoing. How would this affect the Main Even at SS? JJ demurs. Boo!

Tony reminds us that there'll be some footage later in the show. Thanks, Tone.

MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY v. KONNAN (with Vincenzo) - I think Konnan says "Scott Hall" in the midst of all that Spanish on his way to the ring, if that matters. Mike tries to make me think Magic Norm has a chance and that this will be a good match-up - I'm not buying it. Funny moment: Konnan accuses Smiley of pulling his hair (see, it's funny because Konnan HAS no hair at the moment. OK.) "Viva la Cuba!" which doesn't seem to do anything for the Miami crowd, oh well nice try. Konnan distracts referee "Blind" Nick Patrick while Vincent puts on the rope-choke - like Konnan needs the help! Tony announces that tonight's main event will be (This Is) Sting vs. Kevin Nash for the WCW Championship - surely, such a main even will be the Most Important Match In The History Of Our Sport. I'm already smelling the scewjob. Smiley does a WEAK gutwrench suplex, legdrop, elbow, finally I am put out of my misery when he misses a dropkick. Konnan displays his impressive array of submission holds (well, ok, one), does a NASTY cradle DDT and slaps on La Tequila Sunrisa for the tapout (4:11) Tony: "This is a BIG win for the NWO!"

Let's show you the EMT's putting Savage in the ambulance. Gee, I hope that isn't live, it's been quite a while.

WCW comes this week to Fort Myers! Fort Pierce! Tallahassee for THUNDER! Montgomery!

Hey look! It's the Nitro Girls!

Starburst presents "On the Road!" Fortunately for us, they start the clip halfway through so we aren't bored to tears with Mean Gene talking to a map of the US with a pin on Tallahassee (for THUNDER!)

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro: Diamond Dallas Page chases Raven away, causing Buff Bagwell to win via countout. DDP would go on to do a really boring interview, which they mercifully don't play again this week.

BUFF BAGWELL v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE for the US Title - I guess that ol' Championship committee was SO impressed with Bagwell's COR victory that he earned a title shot TONIGHT! Now THAT'S good booking! Impressive "DDP" chant from the crowd. Buff with an armdrag and a post. Headlock and DDP knocks Buff down. Buff accuses DDP of using the closed fist, and referee "Blind" Billy Silverman chastises DDP. There's an armbar, there's a punch, there's a sideheadlock. Tony gives up and talks about Savage. There's a BIG punch! Hmm, I wish I'd written down who's doing what, but it looks like it's all DDP - there's a swinging neckbreaker and it's time to go for the DIAMOND CUTTER! Buff sees it coming and slides out of it. He's whipped into the corner instead - DDP climbs the ropes to go for the crowd favorite, the "10 punch count along," but Buff cleverly rotates ninety degrees, crotching DDP on his incredibly buff shoulder (I guess). Buff with a big lariat - and a pose! 1, 2, no. Buff stays on him, culminating in the "arrogant"(tm) cover for no count. Then he hooks the leg and gets 2. Into the headlock and there's enough of a break in the action for one to hear Larry say "robo-tized sheep." Page gets out, delivers a knee, tries for...well, it COULDN'T have been a powerbomb, those are illegal! Buff gets a 3 because Page is too slow to kick out - fortunately for the story, the ref only counts two. Buff and Silverman do the "Buff-gets-mad-at-the-ref-but-the-ref-won't-take-that-crap-and-intimidates-Buff" shtick. Anyway, somehow Page gets Buff down on the mat and signals for the diamond cutter - which means we cue Raven, who is up in the mezzanine with the "What about Raven?" spiel. As DDP goes off to chase him, we once again see a COR victory for the Stuff. Buff takes the mic from ring announcer David "If you can hear me, someone's not doing their job" Penzer and demands to get the belt (even though we all know the title only changes hands on a pinfall or submission). Meanwhile, Page has returned, and is standing behind you! BANG! The crowd goes lukewarm!

Closed captioning (where available) is sponsored by two bodacious babes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

It's hour two! It's TV-14! Fireworks! Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, and TheLivingLegendLarry Zbyszko! They once again hype the footage, but for an encore they actually SHOW the footage. We see "a red Viper" squeal away from the scene, followed by Vincenzo and the Booty Disciple pushing the camera away, talking about "NWO business." When Liz comes out, the Disciple says "He's not so Macho now, is he."

With the exciting guitar licks of Voodoo Chile filling the O-rena, it's time to see You Know Who, leading the entire NWO to the ring - or rather, Buff, Norton, HennigRude, Adams, Steiner, and the Disciple. OK, so we're missing Nash, Vincent, and Konnan if anyones noticing (well the commentators sure aren't). "No survey needed," says Hogan, letting us remember that Scott Hall is off in his no man's land, "this is NWO Country!" Hogan apologises for not being here earlier, traffic was bad and he hit a couple speed bumps - hey, I have a college degree, but I'm missing your symbolism Hollywood. Hogan says he and Nash are like this (crossing fingers to indicate how close they are, not that he's lying - I think), and when Nash wins the title and brings it back to the family...blah blah blah...for life...blah blah power struggle...blah blah blah...bat match...zzzzzz...snore...too sweet.

Macho Madness: Buy the shirt! Proceeds go towards buying Savage a new limp.

The Countdown to Goldberg - a new video clip I really don't want to see more than once in my life.

(van) HAMMER v. (bill "68-0") GOLDBERG - Hammer actually is allowed to hit a jawbreaker and a (not) powerbomb but unfortunately climbs the top rope and leaps into a spear and a jackhammer. (1:36) The flock decides against running in. After the replay, we see Saturn put the Rings of Saturn on Hammer for no apparent reason. Larry: That's win number... Mike: SIXTY-NINE! Larry: You said it!

Hey look! It's the Nitro Girls! Oh, and Bobby Heenan's joined the commentators.

Hey, you know, the Macho Man is hurt. Switching gears, Mean Gene Okerlund introduces Rowdy Roddy Piper, who's in that big bat match at Spring Stampede all the kids are talking about. Piper talks loud and says nothing. He does throw in the word "Goldust" to see if I'm paying attention, but it doesn't work. Piper ends up talking an awful lot about Hogan.

EDDIE GUERRERO and CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (matching Eddie Guerrero Is My Favorite Wrestler/Cheat To Win T's) come to the ring. Eddie tells Chavo that his family is being denied entrance to their social circles because Chavo's a loser - Grandma can't take menudo to the pot luck, and Mondo's denied entrance to the low-riders rumble. Man, the funny part is I'm actually not making that last part up. Chavo apologises to Grandma and promises to do better. Eddie says here's your chance, you can have my match. Of course, Chavo's in jeans and tennis shoes so he has no chance.

CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. v. ULTIMO DRAGON - Chavo actually controls this match for the first three minutes, then it's back and forth and Eddie gets so embarrassed for his nephew he actually puts a towel over his head. Chavo misses his chance at the tornado DDT and somehow Dragon pulls a Dragon Sleeper out of nowhere and gets the tap out. (4:17) Eddie comes in and gives Chavo a towel lashing as we go to break.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Don't forget to send us your Nitro Party tapes!

Let us take you back to UnCeNsOrEd where Mean Gene puts the bad mouth of Dean Malenko. Instead of clobbering Gene like we all want him to, Malenko goes home.

Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, and Bobby Heenan talk about Dean. Bobby (correctly) states that it's all Okerlund's fault. Tenay says "Iceman." Tony thinks it's a bonafide retirement - gee Tony, I guess that's why we're all talking about him, huh.

BARRY DARSOW v. THE NARCISSIST - Hey, Lex stole the Harlem Heat's ringpost flame! Or was it Kane... Tony announces that on THUNDER! Ric Flair will have a big announcement - or is it a challenge - hell, Tony, why don't you just call it a retirement, you're in that groove. Big headlock, big shoulderblock, big slam, big counter from Darsow, big punches from Darsow, big headlock, big elbow over the rope, big blows, big arm bar around the ringpost, big axehandle, big headlock, big punches, big backbreaker, big two count, big comeback by Luger! Big punches (5). Darsow takes the offensive again with another big armdrag, but a big piledriver attempted is countered with a big back body drop. Luger with a big lariat, and another, and a big forearm shiver, a big torture rack, and a big submission win (Big 3:42) Luger remembers on his way back from the ring to sell the relentless arm attack Darsow gave him. Snap into a big Slim Jim replay!

Promtional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Moen faucets, Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops, Croissant Pockets. Man, it must be time for dinner (after I wash up).

It's Hour Three! It's TV-14! It's FIREWORKS!

Let us take you back to two weeks ago on THUNDER! Bulldog and Niedhart beat up HennigRude and Adams. Whoa, look they did it again last week on Nitro!

CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE & BRYAN ADAMS v. BRITISH BULLDOG & JIM NIEDHART - because *the fans demand it*. Rude actually tears himself away from Hennig to displace Tenay at the commentary position, ensuring another hilarious episode of the Heenan/Rude comedy hour. Faces clean house in the ring and then keep them from re-entering, well, it's a strategy I guess. Finally we get back to the good ol' one-on-one action. Chops (woo!) Niedhart tags out, Hennig tags out. Adams wants the test of strength, no it was a dirty trick, and Adams has the advantage with some kicks. They have a suplex battle and Smith wins. Smith with a big kick and a tag. Shoulder block by Niedhart for 2. Headlock. THIS IS A FEATURE BOUT! Apparently, this is all a master plan to get to Bret Hart, also. Man, Rude is SMART. Finally, the bad guys take control through treachery and doubleteaming, and Niedhart becomes the face in peril(tm somebody). Repeated quick tags between Adams and Hennig until Niedhart decides to come back and tags in Smith again, who promptly receives an Adams piledriver (hey, that's not how these things work! They're ruining what little flow this match had!) At this point, we might as well just take an ad break. Rude leaves the booth to get a closer look and Heenan says something funny about how he doesn't really like Rude after all.

When we come back, Smith is in an Adams bearhug, but fighting out of it! Adams with a headbutt and a rather impressive three military presses slam. Tag to Hennig who gets a 2 count. Hennig with a spinning toe hold - also a nice surprise. Hey, things are picking up in this match! Tag to Adams, who gets 2. They're working on Smith's leg, see? Double sledge, and Adams follows with the devastating stand on the neck. Crowd is furiously chanting "BORING" with all their might. Smith finally comes back with a "drive your head into the mat." Double tag, and Anvil's a house on fire! Bites! Punches! He does it all! Adams comes in and Niedhart does the most unconvincing house afire bit on both of them simultaneously. Finally, Niedhart comes off the ropes, but hits a ... low ... Rick Rude knee and goes down. One Hennigplex later, it's another one for the NWO (10:02). Smith goes for Rude but later figures out it's 3 on 1 and he's the 1. Cue Bret Hart, who cleans house and then gets a mic. Hart goes on to quote Dr. Evil ("throw me a frickin' bone") and then, for an encore, promises that this won't happen any more (didn't he say that last week?) Thankfully, he doesn't let us know he knows what it's like to have been screwed. AGAIN. The crowd still collectively buys a hot dog.

CHRIS "MONDAY" JERICHO v. QUASIMODO GUERRERA - Jericho has a very nice Monday Jericho T. He grabs the mic and dedicates tonight's episode to Dean Malenko - "please come back!" He goes on to berate Prince "Nakamaki" and also Quasi Juice, and then throws a little Eddy Grant at us. He's the master. Juvi's all over Jericho to start, chops (wooo!) and a dropkick in the Tree of Woe neighborhood. Dueling suplexes - Jericho with a fallaway but Juvi lands on his feet, takes him down, and gets a 2 count. Headlock by Juvi, Chris does some nice screaming. Wooo chop! "Jericho sucks" chant catches fire. Jerico does a blatant style hair pull and some wooo chops. Huge clothesline and a nonchalant cover, for 2. Jericho picks up Guerrera, drops his back on his knee THREE times and goes for a backbreaker. But you know, Juventud never surrenders. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Juvi comes back with a victory roll for 2. Big Jericho lariat, big splash from the top rope, but only 2. Somebody in the crowd tries a BORING chant and loses, 'cause he's a loser. Juvi with a dropkick, a rana, a 2 count, and a wooo chop. Jericho tries a rana, but Juvi counters it with a DDT. Nick Patrick fools everybody with one of those 2.99999 counts (boo!) Juvi driver (says Mike), Juvi climbs to the top, but instead of a 450 Jericho wakes up and crotches Guerrera on the top rope. Juvi throws him off of a superplex attempt and attempts a plancha. Somehow Jericho catches him and turns it into a Liontamer. Juvi starts to tap but then remembers that he never surrenders. Luckily, Prince Iaukea has happened to run out, and happens to have a towel (and, I guess, a manager's license) because he throws in the towel and it's over (6:05). Jericho goes for Iaukea but runs into a back body drop and a clothesline over the top rope. But he's still the champ!

Let us take you back to the red Viper, speeding away from Savage, Vincenzo, the Booty Disciple, Liz, Doug Dellinger, ah hell, you've already read this, ambulance, blah blah blah

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Vincenzo and a trophy) v. SICK BOY - This match is so exciting, Sick Boy botches his one offensive move (and may have even managed to hurt himself in the process!) - Steiner Recliner (2:58).

Thanks, Winterfresh, for making this hour possible!

Michael Buffer asks us if we're ready (for another screwjob, I think he meant). Let'sgetreadytorumble!

KEVIN NASH (with Konnan and a Savage T-shirt on) v. (THIS IS) STING for the WCW Championship - Nash takes the mic and takes issue with Hogan's assessment of the state of the NWO. He insinuates that Hogan was in the Viper - he mentions his Savage T-shirt and then says "You wear somebody's T-shirt too long, they get fired." He also promises that WHEN he wins the belt, he *ain't* givin' it to Hogan (duh). He also says he might just use the bat on not only Piper, and the Giant, but on Hogan too. Let's take a break!

When we come back, Michael Buffer is introducing Sting as "an enigmatic man of mystery" and we're darn close to two Austin Powers quotes in one Nitro. For the first time in quite a long time, Michael Buffer actually gets to COMPLETE his ring introductions! Tony reminds us that Flair will be on THUNDER! just so he can spend a couple moments not calling the match. Lockup, Nash with the knees and the big boot in the corner, big punches until Sting hits the canvas. Nash picks him up and delivers some more punishment. Repeated elbows and punches, now an elbow to the head, now some rights. Finally, Sting hulks up and delivers some offense of his own, in the form of a clothesline from the top rope. Quick scale of the corner, into a dropkick and Nash goes onto the outside. Hey, maybe Sting's been reading r.s.p-w and is going to go back to the high-flying, fast-paced wrestling style...nah. Nash drags Sting out and then goes back in to distract referee "Blind" Mickey Jaye while Konnan demolishes Sting. Konnan throws him back in the ring, where Nash places his neck on the bottom rope and steps on it for the five count. Knee to the back while Sting's throat is STILL on that rope. The Big Boss man straddle by Nash, and another shot from Konnan just for kicks. 2 count. Backbreaker by Nash into the fold-'em-in-half backbreaker. 1, 2, no. "Neck vise" by Nash. Crowd finally gets into it, and Sting gets up! Elbow, elbow, run into a knee, ooh Sting. Into the corner we go, Irish whip out of the corner, Sting sidesteps a running Nash, who hits his knee on the turnbuckle. Sting decides to go to work on it, kicking Nash's knee from behind. Sting wrenches the leg and drops an elbow on it. A big right hand and down goes Nash. Sting goes for the Sharpshooter, and gets it! Konnan provides a little help getting Nash to the rope, which pisses off Mickey Jaye, but not enough to like DQ or anything. Nash with an eye gouge, and a REAL sidewalk slam. 1, 2, no. They're both down now! Nash is up, but limping. Big elbow drop by Nash but only 2. Head to the turnbuckle. Rights from nash. Sting goes down from a knee. Back to the "head vise" - basically Nash has a hand under the chin, wrenching upward while the other hand pushes down on the head, yeah that move. Hand goes down once, hand goes down twice, hand goes down - NO! Crowd roars, Sting gets up. Elbows! Elbow to the head! Big punch! Roundhouse right and a standing drop kick. Nash whipped into the corner, Konnan has made his way into the corner behind Nash somehow, so the Stinger splash hits BOTH of them. Konnan falls out of the ring. Sting delivers a second Stinger splash, then a THIRD. Nash REVERSES (!) and throws Sting into the corner. When Sting staggers out Nash appears to have him ready for the Jackknife powerbomb (which would really be the lamest thing ever if you want to win the belt, but we'll let it go) but his back hurts and he can't lift Sting. He tries again, and his back spasms again. By this time, Hogan has come in to punch Sting and bring on the DQ. Sigh. (10:42) nash pulls off Hogan, then pushes him away, asking him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. Before things can get really interesting, Sting recovers and beats up BOTH Hogan and Nash, so cue the rest of the NWO, then Piper and Giant, then the return of my dinner. Needless to say, we end up with Sting, Piper and Giant in the ring, and Nash and Hogan outside, separated by the rest of the NWO. SEE YOU AT THUNDER!

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Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications