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/1 June 1998

WCW Nitro




The show opens with a (This Is) Sting montage. Unfortunately, the sound cuts out about halfway through and just after he goes from the bleachblond crewcut Sting to the Crow-mime-brooding Sting, we go to the Nitro theme instead, which lends a different feel to the clip.

It's WCW Nitro! LIVE 1.6.98 from "the Crossroads of Sting's Career" (aka the MCI Center in Washington, DC) and rated TV-PG-V. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry "You Simply Must Cheer Me" Zbyszko. The big story is that EVERYBODY wants Sting on their side, and supposedly we'll find out tonight where Sting's loyalties lie. Which means, yes, everything you heard about Sting wearing the Wolfpack shirt after Nitro went off the air last week, as far as we're concerned, DIDN'T happen.

Cut to a white limousine backstage - whoa, WCW can finally afford a limo! Out steps J.J. Dillon, followed by Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T. (smoking), and Goldberg. I guess these guys are all that's left of WCW, ha ha.

Let us take you back to THUNDER!, which no matter how many times Tony says "Thursday," actually happened Wednesday. Lex Luger implores Sting to join the Wolfpack.

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline with SynPower - SynPower being a magic solution that causes premature ad breaks before seeing a match.

Fireworks! I guess NOW the show is REALLY starting! Tony promises that we'll stay on the Sting story ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT. Also a Goldberg match. Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! I wonder if one of them could replace Ginger Spice.

JERRY "NOT LYNN" FLYNN v. THE "WHO'S ERNEST MILLER?" CAT - Flynn has made his name by repeatedly losing to Goldberg - I think that's what Tenay said. I don't know why they bother calling him "the Cat" if they're not going to let us forget his name is Ernest Miller. Sheesh. Quickly realising that no one cares about this match, the commentators turn to the upcoming Hart/Hogan vs. Savage/Piper tag team thrill ride coming up at Great American Bash. This also is unexciting. This match, strangely enough, is dominated by Flynn for at least 90% of the time, except for those last two offensive moves by Cat, which surely compensate for EVERYTHING that happened before, thus securing the pinfall win for the Cat. Double sheesh. (4:00) Finisher is a spinning heel kick, who cares.

Look! A BLACK limo! It's the Wolfpack! Miss Elizabeth, Curtrick Hennigrude, Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Konnan, and Randy Savage exit and we take an ad break.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, America (ha) Online and OUTRAGEOUS Ring Pops!

In the middle of this ad break is another "The Real Reason Men Commit Crimes" PPV plug - Sting like we've never seen him before (that means he TALKS!)

The Wolfpack comes out to their new theme. It might be just me, but I think the new theme kinda blows chunks. But maybe it'll grow on me. Like that new hand signal where you make wolf ears on your head with your hands. Maybe it'll grow on me. Kevin Nash takes the mic and forgets for a moment how white he truly is. He quickly comes to, and tries out his new survey. "How many people came here to see Hollywood? How many people came here to see the Wolfpack?" Guess who wins. Luger gets the mic and reminds us how great a friend he is to Sting. The Wolfpack are winners and Stinger needs to just take that step. Luger says that in order to set an example for Sting, the Wolfpack decided to put together a match - Luger and Nash against any two NWO Hollywood members - preferably Giant and Hogan if that's all right. Luger is STILL talking. Nash finishes up with a "too sweet."

Let us take you back to THUNDER! (Wednesday, not Thursday) where Bret Hart exhorts Sting to pick up a black'n'white NWO shirt.

Get wired at! Hey look, there's Flair! There's the Steiners working as a team! Man, is this ad OLD!

RAVEN & SATURN (with Riot Squad and without Flock) v. THE PUBLIC ENEMY (with Table) - Raven and Saturn, friends again (entering to Saturn's music, oh 'cause Raven doesn't have any, yeah) I'm expecting a Texas Tornado match here (Raven's rules implied) but we start with Raven tagging Saturn before any contact. Saturn and Rock start - lots of stalling. Rock tags Grunge. Still no contact. Schiavone starts talking about Sting while Saturn FINALLY hooks it up and takes control. Suplex out of the corner. Tag to Raven. Kick to the head, kick, tag to Saturn - that was quick. Saturn gives that "why'dyatagme" look and by the time he turns around, Grunge has fired back. Tag to Rock, double whip, double clothesline, double elbowdrop. This is like, TAG TEAM WRESTLING in WCW, yeah! Rock with a few shots, and a quick tag. Drop toehold by Rock followed by a legdrop by Grunge for 2. Saturn with a low blow, but Grunge quickly shakes it off (er) and punches Saturn 'til he's in the PE corner again. Tag to Rock, double clothesline. After some posing, Rock gets back on Saturn and gets another 2 count. Saturn meets Grunge's boot. Rock with a sidewalk slam while Grunge comes off the top with a big elbow. 1, 2, no. Grunge takes Saturn into Rock's boot. Rock whip, reverse, duck clothesline, Rock misses a springboard moonsault (!) and Saturn hits a spinning heel kick. Shot to Grunge for good measure, but Rock is up. Toe to toe they go, to Saturn's corner, Rock hits Raven. Raven still manages to tap Saturn's back (for a tag) - to the PE corner go Saturn and Rock, where Saturn hits a Golotta kick, which Raven doesn't see because after Rock goes down, Raven's clothesline hits SATURN. This, of course, leads to a staredown which comes to nothing as Rock interjects himself into their conversation. Raven and Saturn doubleteam Rock as if nothing just happened - then Grunge comes in and double clotheslines both of them. Both Saturn and Raven roll out - and Rock flies over the top rope with a tope. Now all four men are out. Raven meets the STEEL steps. Grunge and Saturn back in, kick to the gut, swinging neckbreaker by Grunge. After positioning Saturn, PE hits the driveby! (Rock flipping over the top rope with Grunge's help for the splash). With Saturn indisposed, it's time for the table shot, which doesn't work too well. While Grunge returns to Saturn, Rock does ANOTHER table shot from the apron to the floor, which does break the table. Rock takes a chair and returns to the apron - but Saturn whips Grunge into the chair, which also hits Rock. Saturn with the Spicolli driver, and he turns to the crowd - while Raven sneaks in and makes the cover for the pin. Is he a glory hog? Saturn seems unhappy, but hey, a win's a win. (6:39) Raven gets a microphone as the Riot Squad (oh yeah, I forgot they were around - thanks to them for staying out of the way in that match!) enters the ring. "Another great victory for Raven...and Saturn... Now because of me, they've fired Mortis, or Kanyon, or whatever name he's usin', but because I've been running roughshod through all the WCW stars like Diamond Dallas Page, J.J. Dillon has decided to rehire this Kanyon, the man who's been sneak-attacking me. What about me? What about Raven's safety? Now luckily, I have Saturn to make sure I'm ok, and to make sure you're ok, I've rehired the Flock. Come on out, Flock! Don't thank me now Saturn, I've also done you another favour. Since Kanyon's been rehired, I've signed you to wrestle him at the Great American Bash, because I'm gonna do everything I can to make his life miserable. So I've done you two favours now, but don't thank me, 'cause that's what friends are for. [Quoth] the Raven, nevermore." The Flock returns to the ring, and Saturn looks - well, he looks less than satisfied, in fact he shoots a GREAT look at Lodi when he tries to get in his face with a "WE'RE BACK" sign.

Let us take you back to THUNDER! Another Lex Luger clip about Sting, yup.

Mean Gene Okerlund narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report, which points to Peoria - Thursday's site of THUNDER!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

The foam goes straight to your brain - if you've sent in a Nitro Party tape, you MUST have had some foam go straight to your brain. Mug presents a happy Nitro Party at the Redneck residence of Inbred, Arkansas.

DAS WUNDERKIND ALEX WRIGHT v. EL NUEVO CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (with Eddie T-shirt but without Eddie) - Alex is making his glorious return to WCW and looks a lot bigger. Wright with snapmare and dancing. Crowd boos. Alex hasn't lost it, ha. Headlock, whip, slam, dancing. Lockup, into the corner, Wright doesn't give a clean break but Chavo ducks - and eats a back suplex. Wright with knife edge (woooo!) Whip into the corner, Chavo comes out - backbreaker. Wright dances. Kicking, kicking. European uppercut by Wright - well, Chavo's had enough - he snaps and chokes the life out of Wright. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson has to physically pull Chavo off of Wright. He rolls to the outside, so Chavo hits a no-hands tope over the top. Yeah! Whip into the barricade. A succession of European uppercuts and headbutts (!) by Chavo. Wright reverses another whip into the barricade. Wright tries to get back in but Chavo holds the leg, and Wright goes down to the floor again. Now both men are back in - Wright's begging off, but ducks when Chavo runs at him - Wright puts on an STF and Chavo taps out after about .01 second in it (3:09) - I guess to save himself? Wright continues to pound on Chavo, Chavo gets in some moves on Wright, and EDDIE GUERRERO is out, separating both men! How about that? Eddie takes the mic and says that it's ok, his entire family is PROUD of him and the change he's made, and oh, they don't really have to wrestle at the Great American Bash after all because he's FREE now. Chavo says "I WANNA wrestle you Eddie! You're my idol! I wanna LEARN from you, Eddie! ... I think I can beat you, Eddie! What do you think about that?" Eddie leaves the ring, Chavo follows and Eddie decides he better just back out instead so as to keep his eyes on his nephew.

WCW spends this week in Peoria for THUNDER!, Muncie, Fort Wayne, and Grand Rapids. Remember, they're not "the sticks" if YOU live there!

Tony Schiavone (Tony. Don't wear red.) interviews RANDY SAVAGE, who comes out with Roddy Piper's music. Oh, *there's* the Wolfpack music, after an eternity. Savage is accompanied by LIZ, who does a lot more for red than Tony ever could. You know, that Wolfpack theme IS growing on me. Huh. "You know Tony Schiavone, if I didn't know you didn't have a bunch of kids and a wife, I'd think you wanted to DATE Roddy Piper! ... Wolfpack is the bomb baby, ooh yeah! ... (after a few minutes) ... Get out here right now, Roddy Roddy Piper, yeah!" He's got something to say to his tag team partner - and NOW they play Piper's music and RODDY PIPER comes out. My interest in this segment *plummets* with every step Piper makes to the ring. Piper delivers "What exactly is your major malfunction?" for the thousandth time and it goes downhill from there. The gist of this "meeting of the minds" (thanks, Tenay) is that Savage is unhappy with the way things were handled at Slamboree and he wants "sa-tis-fac-she-un" at the Great American Bash by getting a match with Piper after they team up in the "tag team match from hell." Piper says he's cool with that, but doesn't Savage get it? Hart's just stirring the pot. Piper has a wonderful way of using a hundred words where five will do. Finally, we hear something worth hearing. Piper: "Have you ever noticed that Bret Hart has NOT ONCE worn an NWO shirt?" FINALLY - it only took somebody like two freakin' months to mention that. Savage, wisely, says he doesn't care about Hart's choice in fashion and he'll see ya later ooh yeah. You know, I said I would never mention it again, but way back on 28 APRIL, Hart came to the ring wearing a Hogan shirt - of course, nobody remembers. That's why I'm here...

Let us take you back to THUNDER! where it's Hart's turn for a clip - he holds up an NWO Hollywood T-shirt for Sting, even though he's not wearing one himself.

The WCW Power Plant - the Harvard of Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting

Lookit the fireworks! That makes it hour number two! Only almost two hours until we see STING!

Tony Schiavone interviews J.J. DILLON, who reminds Sting that even though he can't promise him a stint in Hollywood, or a bunch of people telling him he's sweet, he is still the Franchise, and if he can just stay with WCW, "we'll stay with you." Gee, that's worth it, isn't it. Dillon also says he'd be happier with somebody like Sting taking the WCW Championship title from Hollywood Hogan. As we see a THIRD limo pull up, we take another break.

Let's see, we've seen WCW, we've seen the Wolfpack - who could be in this limo - why yes, it IS NWO Hollywood - led by You Know Who himself, and accompanied by Eric Bischoff, the Booty Disciple, Giant, Dusty Rhodes, Vincenzo, Brian Adams - and then, Bret Hart (although we didn't see him exit the limo - and for the record, he's NOT wearing an NWO shirt either). As the sound man cooks up a little Voodoo Chili, Tony and Larry play the continuity game for a change - not only is this arena (the MCI Arena) where Sting defeated Hogan for the WCW Title in WCW's finest hour (aka Starrcade '97), but Zbyszko defeated Bischoff here to keep Nitro for WCW - with BRET HART as the referee. For an encore, and I'm ready to fall on the floor, the commentators say "you know, I've never noticed, but Hart DOESN'T wear an NWO shirt." Shoot me now. Eric blathers on, Hogan blathers on, and a lot of people send me letters asking why I bother to transcribe WWF interviews and not these, leaving them instead for snide comments which dismiss them. People, look at what I have to work with. I mean, COME ON. Hogan mentions the absent Superstar Scott Steiner, reminding us that he's NWO Hollywood. Addressing the Wolfpack's challenge, Hogan promises to crush Nash & Luger and show Sting where the power lies. Turning to the Hitman. "What do I gotta do to make it clear? What do I gotta do to set an example around her? THIS MAN means the world to me! This is the LEGEND! Hollywood Hogan! The GREATEST of all time! I think that says it all." While Hart is saying this, he's unbuttoning his shirt - to reveal - a HOGAN T-shirt! Wow, that only took FIVE weeks to explain. Ha! Hart continues with the "me & Piper set you up, Savage, don't be so gullible." Hogan does some more talking about owning the souls of Piper & Savage and that a T-shirt is worth a thousand words. I would probably need a thousand words to explain to Hogan that a Hogan shirt and an NWO shirt don't mean the same things...I do like Hart's quick forced smile as they turn to the camera at the end of this, though.

With another shot of the Mug Root Beer logo, we are treated to the address to send our Nitro Party tapes.

Bobby Heenan joins the commentators, replacing Zbyszko.

Hey look! It's the cleavage - er, Nitro Girls! Why, yes, it HAS been almost forty minutes without any wrestling.

KONNAN (with funny "wolf ears" gang sign) v. LENNY LANE (with "Ab Solution" abdomen polish) - This IS the match I waited almost forty minutes for! That wolf ears thing Konnan does - that's the same thing I used to do to my brother in photos - but only with one hand. Tony is interrupted from shilling Sting and tonight's main event by Lane shilling his Ab Solution. This match isn't actually all that bad, lots of back and forth but we all know who's going over. I actually DO fall out of my seat when Tony says "La Magistral cradle". Konnan with the 187 (bitchin' cradle DDT) and the Tequila Sunrise submission hold for the tapout. (3:07) Konnan puts his ears on again, and raps over the Wolfpack theme music using the names of the Wolfpack members and ending with "and later - Sting" and then he makes a backwards S with his hands. I don't know why I told you all that just now.

Goldberg - shirt - buy - shirt.

Tony Schiavone interviews CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE. Hennig comes out on crutches, and Rude takes the microphone and dismisses Tony. They run down Goldberg and then Hennig lets us know that he has to take ten days off to heal his knee. They bring out Konnan, and Hennig asks Konnan to take his "Mickey Mouse town" house show matches against Goldberg leading up to the Great American Bash. Konnan says "bowdy bowdy" and accepts. Hennig promises to be ready to take on Goldberg at the big Pay Per View, and afterward they'll be calling him Goldturd - ok. For a real kick encore, you can watch Hennig mouth Rude's words while Rude says 'em.

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Motel 6, Simonize car care, and 1-800-USA-FIND (why'd she look for THAT guy? Oh, I get it - it's just a "dramatization").

ERICA SCHILLER is in attendance - not only is she the daughter of Turner Sports president Dr. Harvey Schiller, but she's a MEGA-BABE! Wow! Woo hoo! Yow! Hoot! Hoot! I mean - er. Sorry about that.

ERICA SCHILLER, an attractive ringside fan, is in attendance at tonight's show.

EDDIE GUERRERO (with Paranoia) v. FIT FINLEY (without cool jacket) for the WCW Television title. Guerrero keeps looking behind him for Chavo - probably a wise move. The cameramen manage to find the two Finley signs in the crowd. Gotta give Guerrero credit - he didn't have to wrestle Benoit AT ALL to get this shot! Lockup, to the ropes - clean break by Finley. Guerrero complains. Lockup, headlock by Finley, Guerrero powers him out, but Finley shoulderblocks him. Guerrero to the corner, complaining and covering his ears as the "Eddie sucks" chant has started up again. Dueling armdrags. Finley with a knee, a snapmare, and a chinlock. Guerrero squirts out and puts on a wristlock after the knees to the back. To the corner, break - no, Finley with an elbow. European uppercut. Stomp by Finley. HUGE bodyslam by Finley. European uppercut - Guerrero with an eyepoke to gain control. Snapmare. Stomp on the face. To the corner, Eddie's to the top rope but Finley throws him off. Guerrero flips over Finley, but eats the top turnbuckle. Back suplex. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Finley with an elbowdrop and they're back to the chinlock. Finley drops a knee across the throat and then goes outside while holding onto Eddie's hair. Eddie's neck dropped across the apron. Finley back in and there's a whip. Eddie turns it around into a sleeper. Finley reverses (!) into a fireman's carry and drops Eddie across the top rope. But he misses an elbow and stays down on the canvas. Eddie with his diving headbutt from the apron into the ring, over the top rope. Eddie stays on Finley, taking him to the corner. European forearm. Chop. (woooo!) Finley reverses, though - whip but Guerrero sidesteps. Belly-to-back by Guerrero. Guerrero is solidly in control now - and out comes Chavo (DQ 5:00) who just wants to tell Eddie how much he loves him. Well, that was a nice match until they remembered they were in WCW. Grr.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! AND THEY'RE NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO, in a suit, stands in front of the Supreme Court (I think). He walks in ... and walks out complaining that the conspiracy must be bigger than he thought. Jericho accosts some police - who ask him to leave. Jericho stands outside somewhere with his "CONSPIRACY VICTIM" sign. Jericho says he talked to Clarence Thomas' law clark and they'll have a meeting soon. Jericho explains his situation to a homeless person. Jericho poses with his sign again next to the homeless person. Jericho stands outside the fence around the White House. Jericho accosts a guard at the White House "Excuse me, I'm America's role model, I need to go inside and see the Chief." That doesn't work. Jericho poses with the sign again. Jericho walks by a lovely fountain. Jericho enters the Library of Congress. Jericho reads books. Jericho has found a statute! Needless to say, everything Jericho does rules the Earth. And I don't have to tell you his hairdo is funny, too.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA - Jericho takes the mic before the match. "It's over, J.J. Dillon, you want it - you got it!" He calls out Dillon - who doesn't come out. Jericho slings a lot of insults at the empty entranceway and then says he knows how Bill Clinton feels. In another flash of continuity, we are reminded that Juvi is actually a co-conspirator, after eliminating himself in the Cruiserweight Battle Royal to give the shot to Ciclope - er, Dean Malenko. The commentators then redeem themselves by turning to Sting for the rest of the match. Guerrera botches a Frankensteiner, landing on his own head. Jericho hits a MASSIVE backbreaker. Arrogant cover(tm) for 2. Guerrera ducks a clothesline and hits a much better 'rana for 2. Weak DDT by Juvi for 2 (Jericho's fault, not Juvi's). Juvi driver! Juvi positions Jericho, climbs the ropes - but we know Jericho has to win so Juvi gets crotched on the corner. Chop (woooo!) by Jericho. He climbs the ropes, but the superplex attempt is blocked. Juvi dives - and Jericho catches him. Juvi tries to turn it into a rana, but Jericho reverses into the Liontamer - but Juvi hits the ropes. Whip, Juvi holds on, Jericho runs at him - Juvi drops the top rope and Jericho goes out. Guerrera with a Frankensteiner from the apron to the floor (and AGAIN it doesn't look like Guerrera hit it ok). Guerrera is back in - whoops, REESE is in to demolish Guerrera while Jericho distracts referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson. After the throatslam, Jericho comes in and gets in the easy pin. (5:02) "Dillon - you WILL - listen to me!" But not now, I guess...

Smell the sulfur and see the pretty sparkly things in the sky - it's time for HOUR NUMBER THREE! Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting Sting...

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro, where Benoit claims the first victory in the best-of-7 Series with a Crippler crossface (1 minute of highlights). We move to last week's THUNDER! where Booker T. uses a missile dropkick to take the second match (30 seconds of highlights). In the third match, courtesy last week's Saturday Night, we see Benoit claim a pinfall after a German suplex (1 minute of highlights). We get a special "Chris Benoit leads Booker T. 2-1" graphic. Nice.

BOOKER T. v. CHRIS BENOIT in match #4 of a Best-of-Seven Series for the #1 Contender to the Television Title (Benoit leads 2-1) - We see a sign in the crowd which reads "Booker T. Vs. Benoit" - and then the camera shows the part it wasn't supposed to show, which reads "Part 83." Feeling out process at the start - lockup, break up. Lockup, T with slam. T with repeated forearms, whip and an elbow. 1, no. Fit is out to watch the match - "they're not ready for me! They know each other - they don't know Fit Finley..." Booker T hits a nice powerslam for 2 and goes to the armbar. Up we go and Booker T hits the sidewalk slam (NOT incorrectly called by Tony, because he doesn't even call it - he's talking about Savage & Piper). Booker T to the top rope - flying jalapeno with a half rotation (wow!) and Benoit rolls outside. T follows and throws him back in, but Benoit catches fire when T walks back in the ring. Benoit stomps a MUDhole in him. Forearm. Chop (woooo!). Another chop (woooo!) Benoit kicks him in the gut, then hits a nice snap suplex with a release. We cut to Finley for no reason and when we come back Booker T did something to gain an advantage. 1, 2, no. Chinlock by Booker T. Benoit stands up and eats a forearm. Benoit tries a knee but it's ineffective. T with a whip and a big sledgeblow, then a shout to the crowd. Picking up Benoit, Booker hits a big kick to the gut. Forearm, now we're back and forth. Whip, duck, T with flying jalapeno again - 1, 2, no. Fans complain. Back to the chinlock. Schiavone gleefully congratulates the Bulls for winning game 7 (coincidence that it took place during the WWF's PPV) - this leads to assorted talk about Rodman and Malone, but there's a match going on. Back and forth again, Benoit ducks a kick and delivers a German suplex. Now both men are down and the count is on. Benoit up at 8. Kick to the head. Whip - no, short clothesline by Benoit. 2 count. Benoit is back up and pounding away. Whip, head down, T with two kicks and an axe kick. T picks up Benoit and delivers a belly-to-back suplex. He is too tired to breakdance! T picks up Benoit for another slam - but Benoit takes down T with the Crippler crossface! T is six inches from the rope - NO! - HE TAPS! Benoit is up 3 to 1! (8:18)

The Awesome 3 discuss Sting (again) "You know, as announcers, it's very easy and a lot of times very very fun to call the moves, and the holds we see in the ring..." - Tony "Irony" Schiavone. Heenan thinks Sting will stick with WCW as he always has. Tenay thinks - well, he doesn't give a decent opinion. Tony reminds us that Sting won his first WCW title at the Great American Bash in 1990.

Let's take a special look at Sting - this is the clip package we saw at the beginning of the show - but they fix the sound this time. Again, I don't care what he decides - I just want to see him like he was.

SCOTTY RIGGS (with Sick Boy) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - wow, I didn't know Riggs still actually *wrestled*. Well, this is LIKE wrestling anyway. Riggs does a pretty damn funny DDP imitation and that's the highlight. Yep. Even Sick Boy's creative interference can't get me interested in this match. This week's Diamond Cutter looks suspiciously like Marc Mero's TKO, wink wink. (1:54) Sick Boy gets a Diamond Cutter after the match too, hooray. Page walks out through the crowd, 'cause he's jacked.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is sponsored by Starburst Fruit Juice! The secret flavor is JUVI!

Catch the Great American Bash - the annual Flag Day tradition! (See, 'cause Flag Day is 14 June - well, in America. I guess other Flag Days are probably not. That joke was a lot funnier before I explained it. Well, actually, it was pretty weak to begin with. Hey, this is turning out to be a long parenthetical! You know, when I was a kid growing up they told me never to use parentheticals in my writing. I guess that's because it disrupts the FLOW of the read. Like right now, for instance. I haven't mentioned STING for a few paragraphs, this looks like a good spot! Oh wait, let's move on.)

LA PARKA (with Chair) v. (bill "93-0") GOLDBERG for the United States Heavyweight title - La Parka has to wait for the braindead sound guy to cue up the right music but it eventually happens. Goldberg dares Parka to Chair him, so he does. He no-sells it, spears Parka, jackhammer, pin. (Entrance 2:29, match :29, replays :45) La Parka deserves better, dammit!

Goldberg - shirt - buy - shirt ...

Oh, boy! Michael Buffer is back! Take a drink every time he says "of doom" during an introduction! Take a drink every time he says something inaccurate in an introduction! Pass out before the match even starts!

Heenan: "This is gonna be a goood fight." Schiavone: "More than that, this is gonna be a decision." But Tony, Sting isn't IN this match.

YOU KNOW WHO & GIANT (with Booty Disciple & Bret Hart) v. KEVIN NASH & THE NARCISSIST in a "Loser gets Sting" match - just kidding. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that we don't see a definitive victory here. Luger and Hogan start. Hogan does the Luger pec jump! Luger takes the ripped T shirt and wipes himself with it, then throws it to Nash, who also wipes HIMself with it. Lockup, Luger with the big shove, Hogan to the mat and shows how the pec flex is done. Hogan complains of a hair pull (if you're playing along at home, make a bald joke here) - Lockup, big headlock by Luger, Hogan powers out and Luger hits a big shoulderblock whic BARELY hits, but Hogan goes down. Hogan wants the test of strength - what's he thinking? Eyepoke from Hogan to take charge. Oh... Repeated throat shots from Hogan. Rake of the eyes, rake of the back. Arm wringer, big reversal, big tag to Nash. Hogan breaks free and is ready to tag the Giant - but Nash signs "no, no, you 'n' me" and Hogan complies. Crowd gets louder and louder. Lockup, Nash pounds Hogan into the corner. Repeated knees to the gut. Big elbow, repeat. Irish whip, follow clothesline, Irish whip, reverse, HOGAN with a clothesline. Now Hogan with the punches, tag to Giant. Lockup, Nash pushed into the corner. Giant misses a following blow and Nash hits a lot of forearms and punches. Whip into the corner, kick as Nash comes out and he's down. Headbutt by Giant (crowd is doing Hall's old Giant imitation - funny!) Another Giant headbutt and Nash goes down. Giant misses an elbow drop. Luger is tagged in. Giant begs off but Luger doesn't fall for it. Big punches in bunches. Big Irish whip, but Giant runs out with a lariat. Tag to Hogan, who chokes away, then let's Giant keep the choke on while he distracts referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. This is enough for Nash, who comes in, broadsides Hogan from behind and taunts the Giant, who is happy to run at him, which is also a bad idea. Nash pounds away until Hogan, who has picked up the WCW Title from the Disciple, whacks Nash with it in plain sight for the DQ (I hate being right - 6:36), then a whack for Luger while he's at it. Robinson is thrown out. Nash is choked by Hogan, then Giant stands on him - we're all waiting for SOMETHING to happen - and there we go, it's (THIS IS) STING, rappeling from the rafters. He avoids Luger, gets in the ring and faces Giant and Hogan - and removes his trenchcoat to reveal - AN NWO T-SHIRT. Of course, he looks like he's got more than one shirt on - after hugging Hogan, he clotheslines him! Whoa! He BODYSLAMS the Giant! He rips away his T-shirt - wait - he - he - ok, he RIPS away his T-shirt to reveal - A WOLFPACK shirt! He climbs the rops to unleash a battle cry - Luger picks him up in an embrace. The NWO (including NWO Sting!) is out to hold back Hogan and the Giant - the Wolfpack is out to celebrate in the ring. Tony says "Sting is in the Wolfpack!" about fifteen thousand times and Sting - is smiling. "The balance of power has shifted." "Don't mess around with the Wolfpack," my new favourite song, plays several times, we see a replay of the T-shirt change Heard Round the World, and we gotta go.

So I guess it was a "Winner gets Sting" match after all. You know, this could very well be the most exciting delevopment in the history of our sport. I am referring, of course, to Jericho's evidence, which I guess we'll see on THUNDER!

See you next week!

[slash] wrestling



Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications