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/17 August 1998

WCW Nitro




I GET LETTERS: Dan Salerno and Pat Savino both pointed out that I misidentified Hacksaw Jim Duggan's theme as "Stars & Stripes Forever," when what I *should* have said was "The Washington Post March." They're both Sousa, so at least I was close. Pat covered for me by reminding us all that S&SF was Duggan's theme for a brief time in the WWF, as well as the music "Made in the USA" Lex Luger first used when he turned "American original" on us. THAT was what I MUST have been thinking!

A few of you wrote me asking if they could actually BUY the "WCW theme CD." Well, it was a joke. The music IS out there, but durned if I know where to get it.

On to this week.

DISCLAIMER: I am biased.

WARNING: I swear below.

Let the first things I hear please be the sounds of Voodoo Chili cooking on a TV-PG-DV ratings box and a closed captioned logo. That's right, we start out tonight's Nitro with YOU KNOW WHO coming back to Hartford. I *love* that "Hendrix/Hogan Voodoo Chili" pot sign. Tenay orgasms over the word "LIVE! - no videotape here!" knowing full well that the taped RAWs *beat* the Live Nitros - so everybody changes the channel. Oh yeah, there's CRACKA EAZY-E, NO-SMOKIN' GIANT, and BOOTY DISCIPLE with Hogan. Bischoff talks first. Hogan talks next. Nothing is said. Hogan manages to call out Goldberg just before he loses his voice. Boos are ponderous and thunderous. Oh wait, the title shot isn't for Hogan, it's for the Giant. Hey, they're not gonna give away Giant/Goldberg for FREE tonight, are they? Hogan says "4 life." Sign says "NITRO PARTIES SUCK" I'm just getting started for THREE BIG HOURS OF NITRO!

...this portion of which is sponsored by Valvoline. They're giving away a car or something.

There's the opening credits I know and love. You know, Giant, Lex Luger, Steiner Brothers - how many of those guys are left in WCW? LIVE 17.8.98 from the Civic Center in Hartford, CT, it's MONDAY NITRO! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. AGAIN somebody bashes RAW because it isn't live. Remember this when you watch THUNDER! this week...

MEAN GENE OKERLUND is out with J.J. DILLON, come to give us big news 'bout that WarGames thing that happens every year 'bout this time at Fall Brawl. Dillon makes some cryptic comments about Hogan (if you know, you know) and announces that there will be three three-man teams in WarGames - the captains will be Hollywood Hogan, Diamond Dallas Page, and Kevin Nash. Let's see, NWO, WCW, Wolfpack - okay, that covers it. Dillon runs down the WarGames rules and adds a spicy stipulation - winner of WarGames gets a World Heavyweight title shot at Goldberg the next night on Nitro. So I guess we won't have Goldberg in the WarGames, huh. Oh, the impression left with what Dillon was saying is that it wasn't that Hogan had nothing left to prove and was sending the Giant out to do his dirty work, but that Hogan hadn't worked his way back through the rankings yet. I think that's the first time anyone's EVER said that about Hogan. I'm sure we'll have forgotten it in a month...

Let Us Take You Back to Saturday Night (you mean you DON'T watch it?) where Dean Malenko has some heartfelt words for Arn Anderson.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Motel 6 7/8, America (ha!) Online, and the crispycrustytenderflaky crust of New Hot Pockets.

Local insert ad hypes the local RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena 14 September. Surprisingly, there's no such ad during RAW - I guess everybody watching RAW already BOUGHT their tickets. (Hint hint, I didn't, if anybody's got a press pass lying around, hint hint, free plugs every week from me in return, hint hint).

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're - well, I think I can see some buttocks!

Nitro Party winner video. They cut away from the Nitro Girls in those outfits to show me THIS crap?

STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL (with four fingers) v. SICK BOY (no entrance) - I feel like I've seen this before. Yup, 20 July and LAST WEEK. That must mean it's time for this CRZ flashback:

SICK BOY (with Lodi) v. STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL - Lodi provides distraction and Sick Boy gets the first few moves in. Sick Boy can't do a move unless a springboard is involved, by the way. But of course, McMichael has the fire burning inside him (and YOU thought it was a beer belly) and with the passion of the group that always knew what THE Symbol of Excellence was, tombstones Sick Boy for the pin. (no opening bell, oh let's call it 3:07)

That was last week. I've noticed their matches get longer as each man learns the moves of the other - that July match I have from them, it went 1:29 with Mongo winning with a tombstone. They know each other so well that THIS time Mongo wins with a tombstone in 4:42. The highlight of this match is Tenay and Tony continuing to whine about RAW being taped and that we shouldn't bother watching "the ten second confrontation that ends this show" and that it "was taped weeks ago." I leave it to the reader to make the appropriate obseravtions of idiot/cluelessness to the commentators.

I bet that "Larry" chant is taped.

Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who just *have* to walk out through the crowd or else they'll stop calling him "the People's Champion" - when was the last time he had some gold again? April? Gene wants to know who the other two men on Team WCW are. Page says he had a guy's number in his Rolodex, and he flew out west to ask this guy if he wanted a piece of the Immortal One, Hollywood "Scum" Hogan. "This cat I'm talking about, if you look in the record books, BROTHER, you're oh and one!" It's the Genius, isn't it? The Genius, Lanny Poffo, is FINALLY making his WCW return! No? You don't think so? Oh, well we'll see I guess. Page mentions Bret Hart and the next thing you know BRET HART is out there. "Gene, the details of my life are quite inconsequential. You come out here with your sorry-ass excuses, you slip on a banana peel and whine..." Page: "BACK OFF JACK!" Man, Hart can talk CIRCLES around this guy. Page challenges Hart to a match, since he happened to walk out there. If Hart were smart, he'd say "No" and walk away. Hart again mentions that Piper, Savage, Benoit and Booker T. are out at his hands, and the only reason Luger survivied is because he's Sting's friend. "You...are the scum of the earth!" so it's on, and Hart has no compunctions about putting the big hurt on DDP. Man, the Hitman's putting the Hart back in Hartford.

Lee Marshall narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report. Next week's Nitro is at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois!

Gene O. needs to talk some more because there was too much wrestling last week. Here's RAVEN. Before he gets to talk, HORACE is out to whine about how he's been mistreated and he wants a match with Raven tonight. Raven says ok, but he wants a tag team match - Horace can team with Kanyon and he'll team with Saturn. Out come SATURN and KANYON - Saturn says no way, Raven says what, are you chicken, and Saturn says oh yeah, and Raven says yeah, and Saturn says am not, and Raven says are too, and here's J.J. DILLON - gonna make the match 'cause everyone's agreeable. BUT, stipulations. If a wrestler causes his opponent to lose, he'll get a 90-day suspension. AND, this match can only end via pinfall or submission.

HIGH VOLTAGE v. DISCO INFERNO & ALEX WRIGHT - Commentators hype Diamond Dallas Page's surprise opponent - oh it's the Warrior, by the way. Rage and Wright start. Wright does that triple kip-up thing. Match is basically Wright runs around but ends up running into a Rage power move. Tony again says that they won't have a ten second main event like another program. Umm, Tony, Goldberg's matches only last two minutes. Disco FINALLY gets the advantage when Kaos puts his head down. It doesn't last long - oh, who cares, here's MENG to take out Alex Wright with that Tongan Death Grip that has all the kids on the streets in fear. Now he's in the ring and indiscriminately attacking everyone. (no contest - about 2:45) Disco goes down. Kaos goes down. Rage goes down. Who's left? Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman? Why not. Look at Silverman's tongue waggle. Here's a member of security. Good night. Here's another one - he's armed with some mace. Meng no-sells the spray and takes out that guy. Let's take an ad break. NOTHING CAN STOP MENG! except an ad break.

EDDIE GUERRERO v. KONNAN - Eddie comes out late with a soda and luggage. Hmmm... "Yeah that's right - unscheduled interview. Hey production, don't even think about going to a commercial, if not I might go say my piece at some other show. Yeah, that's right Eric, so I got your attention now Eric Bischoff? I can't get it in the back. Huh? I try and go in there and talk to you about business and I get screamed at and kicked out - well if this is what I gotta do to get your attention, Eric Bischoff, then this is what I'm gonna do. Fire me, do whatever it takes, I could give a you know what, Eric. Eric Bischoff, time in and time out, for one whole year I have been coming here to work just to be mistreated by you and very much unappreciated, Eric. On the road, on TV, I give you my hundred percent, I give all these people my hundred percent whether they like me or whether they don't, I give you the best show there is and you know it and you cannot give me the time of day in the back to listen to what I have to say to you Eric, well I could give a damn. Cause you know what? I don't care anymore Eric Bischoff, you got a lot of young talent here in WCW and all you do is hold us down for people that you pay a lot of money to and that you have way up here, well I don't care Bischoff, anymore, I don't care about these people, I don't care about nothing anymore, Eric, you have driven me to that. Eric Bischoff, this has nothing to do with you people, this is personal between me and you, Eric. ["Eddie sucks" chant dies out] I ... come to work with my heart and all you do is step on it, and I'm tired of it. You hold me down, you've held me down, but from now on in Eric, see I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's something personal you've got against me. Whatever it is Eric, I don't know. I mean, what is it about me that you have against me that you keep me from stepping up the ladder in this profession? What is it about me? I mean you got me tied down, Eric, in my contract, Eric, and I could give - I'm telling you this right now, okay? And I'm saying this for any other guy that wants to come out here and speak his mind that's being held down - if you got the - you know what, come out here and say it like I am. Eric Bischoff, I'm telling you this face to face, boy, 'cause I can't get your attention, by the way, I'm face to face, let me say on national TV in front of all these people I'm coming out and the only reason I haven't come out any sooner is for two reasons - Chavo, Jr., I love you, man. You're my blood and I'll never let that go. You're one of the reasons I haven't - said anything about what I'm doing tonight. And the other reason is because I have two kids and a wife that I have to support. But you know what? If losing my dignity means having to put up with WCW, NWO red, black or white or whatever the hell it is, I don't care. So Eric Bischoff, I'm telling you this right now, I want out of my contract no matter what it takes, who I gotta speak to, or what it is, okay? And here, let me save you some time, Eric Bischoff I've thrown coffee on myself - as far as I'm concerned Eric Bischoff, you can take this job and shove it up your you-know-what." And Eddie walks away.

This of course, can only mean one thing: Eddie's re-signed. And Eric approved this angle, but only if Eddie could work the name "Eric Bischoff" about a MILLION times in his interview.

Another clip from Dean reaching out to Arn Anderson.

NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad. Buy shirt!

It's the second hour! Did you switch to RAW? Come on, you can tell me. Rated TV-PG-DV. fireworks. Tenay calls the Internet "ripe." Well, I'm quoting him out of context, but he did use the word.

HORACE (boulder) & (khris) KANYON (with Kanyon's music and Horace's STOP sign) v. RAVEN & (perry) SATURN in a "Three of us are half the men we used to be" match - I believe they call this a parejas increible match - of course, I'm spelling it wrong. Those of you who know, know. (Opa!) Tony mentions the Internet AGAIN, then slams it. Did you know people from have visited my homepage? They even have my picture, for crying out loud! I bet Tony printed it out and drew little devil horns on my head. It sounds like something he'd do. Then he'd proclaim it the BIGGEST GRAFFITI IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT. OK, enough Tony bashing - for this match. We start out with Kanyon rolling up Raven, and Saturn breaking up the count. Tag to Saturn. Saturn and Raven argue about...something. Saturn and Kanyon lockup, power out by Saturn, Kanyon ducks and tries an "innovation" but because we've actually seen the move SEVERAL times, Saturn knows to counter and release suplex Kanyon. Tag to Horace. Saturn with a T-bone Tazplex (hee hee). Saturn thinks about tagging, but takes a shot at Kanyon instead. Turning around, Horace flattens him. Tag to Kanyon. Something innovative for 2. To the corner, right hand by Kanyon and Saturn goes down. Another right. Kick to the gut, repeat, repeat, my goodness this is *innovative*. Whip, Saturn tries to leap over but Kanyon catches him and hits a backbreaker for 2. Kanyon to the top rope - Raven runs over and crotches him ('cause Raven likes to crotch people, if you catch my drift). Saturn tags to Raven, who promptly stomps a mudhole in Kanyon. Russian leg sweep, 2, 3 of them. Tony says "ten second main event" again. Man, I'm going to turn to RAW in the last quarter hour 'cause I'm afraid I might MISS that main event if I'm watching Nitro! Meanwhile, Saturn's been tagged in and he's continued the damage on Kanyon. Chops (woooo!), and kicks to the side of the head. Kanyon crumples. Tag to Raven. Boot to the head, snapmare. Fans are more interested in something else (is some girl showing her tits again?) Chair in the ring. Kanyon placed on the top - Kanyon blocks the attempt and takes Raven's head to the chair. Both men down, Horace looks like he has to pee, he wants that tag so bad. Referee "Blind" Mickey Jay counts to 9 until Raven's up - tag to Horace. It's all Horace. 1, 2, no. 'nother slam from Horace. To the top he goes - big splash! 1, 2, Saturn makes the save. Now Kanyon is in. Raven and Saturn have a meeting of the minds in the middle. Raven whipped onto Saturn in the corner - Horace follows. Saturn "accidentally" headbutts Raven in the groin as he falls down. 1, 2, Saturn saves. Horace and Kanyon with a doubleteam I KNOW I've seen before but have forgotten the name of - 1, 2, Saturn kicks out. Horace continues on Saturn and tags Kanyon. Doubleteam lasts forever. Kanyon with the faceslam from the shoulders. Here's the stop sign - tag to Horace. If you can see what's coming, raise your hand. Right, Kanyon holds Saturn until the very last minute, and Horace smacks his own partner with the sign. Saturn hits the Spicolli driver for the pin (8:03). Now THE FLOCK has made their way to the ring. Raven - are you ready for this? - gives Saturn the Evenflow. OK, now the Flock's got Saturn - Kidman tries to stop Raven but gets an Evenflow for his troubles. Now Horace is taking Saturn - "I want him!" - and delivers a full nelson slam on Saturn. Raven forgives him - no, wait, that's another Evenflow. That's the mind control thing, right? I need a scorecard. Ben Gay (heh heh) sponsors the replay.

WCW tickets on sale Firday for Boston and Norfolk. This week see WCW in Green Bay and Rockford!

Oh boy, WOLFPACK'S in da house! Oh boy, Bobby Heenan is out so he can howl along with the music! Tony says something about TNT bringing you live wrestling EVERY Monday (but not every Thursday). Man, they seem really defensive this week. I can't believe I raved about this show last week. Boy, I love it when they say "is most definitely in the house." Sting says he's looking forward to WarGames and that he's red and black 4 life - except when becomes the moody,, I guess they changed their minds about that. K-Dawg speak on dis and mispronounces "bout it bout it" so the fans can say "rowdy rowdy" (there, I said it, stop writing me when I type "bowdy") Nash promises that WarGames will be the end of the Black and White as we know it. The fans all eat this up. Nash says "2 sweet."

The Awesome 3 discuss the giant Giant/Goldberg main event, then turn to the "big surprise." Crowd randomly cheers another girl lifting her top - okay, I'm guessing. Or dreaming. Or...

SCOTT NORTON (with Vincenzo) v. POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI - Norton didn't even let Putski take off his pirate shirt. He DID let Putski execute a neckbreaker, then a kick and a hiptoss, but then he shrugs off a dropkick and hits the powerbomb for the pin (1:01). You know, if this were the WWF, that match would apparently be ten seconds long.

Clip from Saturday Night has Curt Hennig telling Dean Malenko he doesn't have what it takes to be a Horseman.

Tony mentions THUNDER! on Thursday but fails to tell us that it's taped and will probably only have a ten second main event. The NWO theme plays and here's YOU KNOW WHO again, along with CRACKA EAZY-E and BOOTY DISCIPLE. Didn't these guys *already* have interview time to begin this show? Bischoff talks, Hogan talks, I get bored. "Who is out there that Hollywood can't handle?" Hogan calls himself the God of wrestling and says there's not a wrestler he can't beat, there's not a war he can't win, and (uh oh) there's not a warrior in the world that he can't beat. Well, if it's gonna happen it'll happen now. Cheesy electricity sound effects - the lights go out - spotlights sweep the arena - that mumbling is unmistakable - a long figure comes out of the entranceway - the fans cheer loudly - Hogan's jaw drops. Well, yes, it's MR. DESTRUCITY come back to kill us all. "Talk to me, Waryrs!" Dare I even try to transcribe the coming tongue twister? "Feel the real power, Hogaaaaan!" I guess his name is "the Warrior" tonight. Hogan: "I-I thought you were dead." Huge "War-ri-or" chant. "Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan? Unleash that raising voice, Waryrs!" It should be noted that the pauses in between sentences are long enough for me to type these long sentences between what Warrior's saying. Now even Tony has to talk to fill the space. "Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary!" Warrior walks around between sentenves, too. "Actually, it even seems as if there are those who anticipated my arrival!" Only the ones with the signs... Hogan removes his NWO shirt and offers it to Warrior. "What is that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say. For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance! [I replayed it five times to figure out that word - the closed captioning folks never did, poor suckers - sounded like "Reel Pants" - and Bischoff is STILL somehow mouthing along with what Warrior's saying!] Those things, Hogan, which are irreplacable, whether they be people, places, or things, are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! [Closed captioning reveals that Bobby is actually "Larry" - this IS another giant pause, thank you] History tells us, Hogan... ["Hogan sucks" chant is rekindled - but stops cold when Warrior raises his hand] Let's talk about something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history. In the one time, epochal battle between us, Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember, and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great men, you never - never - beat a Warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was ULTIMATE! Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind you. Let's see, this - dude [Disciple] - must be your Barber. And who are you, little man? Who are you?" "You know who I am, my name is Eric Bischoff and I run this company. Who invited you?" "Ha ha ha ha ha [etc]...different than you want to make people believe, I never received an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly, prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get down with my business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it. I have waited patiently. The WARYRS have waited all too patiently. Now - NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero. There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness, the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable. I am the one that has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is inexhaustable. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan [crowd boos] - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel (snort). The screens in the arena go whitenoise - a lot of CO2 goes off, and he *vanishes*, or as Tony says "literally vaporises before our very eyes." The Bat-signal is displayed - but with Warrior's symbol.

I know I'll get in trouble for saying this, but - I liked Eddie's speech a *little* bit better.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - where the Warrior disappears. Several camera angles - how'd they do that? Tony says "literally evaporates," which is almost as dumb as literally vaporising. Tony speculates that THIS is DDP's shocker. I'm still going to hold out for the Genius.

Hey, look - it's the Nitro girls! That last segment was so long, we'll make this one extra short!

WCW/NWO magazine ad. This month: a close look at the pyro guy! Must have been a slow news month. I wonder if they ask him how he gets psychic with stuff like the Warrior showing up out of nowhere.

Closed captioning brought to you by Compu$erve! It can be REALLY entertaining during those slow interviews.

CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE v. DEAN MALENKO - just for kicks, they ring the bell to start the match, THEN take an ad break.

When we come back, it appears we've missed nothing - Dean is pulling Hennig into the ring. TV-PG-DV. In a startling display of long-term memory, commentators recall that Hennig turned on the Horsemen to join the NWO at last year's WarGames. Tony says "take a breath" so I take one of Tony's. Back and forth match with nothing but Warrior commentary. Sign in crowd says "What's on RAW?" Tony apologises to Hennig and Malenko and takes about Warrior some more. Rude interferes from ringside while Hennig discusses Monica Lewinsky with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Dean manages a comeback and looks to the crowd - who doesn't respond in the slightest. Malenko punches away as if he has the fire inside him, the passion, screw this. Russian legsweep (that move is POPULAR!) and Malenko floats over for 2. Suplex by Malenko. Tony mentions a "ten second main event on that taped program" again. What WAS that main event, anyway? Malenko tries the Tejas Cloverleaf but Hennig makes it to the ropes. Rude is up on the apron, yeah. Malenko gets a shot in on Rude but Hennig hits him as he turns around, then he whips Malenko into Rude's knee - Malenko goes out and Rude gets ANOTHER shot in on Malenko, then he's thrown back in for the Hennigplex and the pin (8:27 including deadweight ad break) Tony says "it took the team, it took the unit, in the face of the incredible appearance of the Warrior, to defeat Malenko." What the HELL?

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Dan Marino's house of mortgages, Mead ***** School Supplies, and Total Hair Fitness. Okay.

Third hour FIREWORKS!

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF BAGWELL are out with a "doctor" - Steiner has fully half of his body taped up (the left half). Bagwell talks (not enough), and Steiner talks (too much). Steiner's doctor CECIL SCHWARTZ, is doing a damn fine Jim Ignatowski impersonation. "Right on!" Upshot is that Steiner is just too hurt to wrestle his brother. After what seems like forever, RICK STEINER appears at the entrance and starts running down his brother and his "girlfriend." Watch Scott lipsynch Rick's interview. Rick's barking reminds me of Superfly Sunka for some reason. Anyway, they're going to fight at Fall Brawl, you know.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony hypes WCW's version of wrestling buddies - "Bashing Brawlers" - you hit 'em and they talk back. For those of you playing along at home, complete the following sentence: "And when you hit Raven in the crotch, he says ___________."

Nitro Party Mug Root Beer call for tapes.

CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (with Pepe) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. STEVIE RAY in a Triangle match for the WCW World Television Title - apparently, Booker T. violated the 30-day clause and the Chavo/Stevie match was supposed to be for the title - of course, Jericho took Chavo's place and the rest is history. Props to WCW for not calling it a "Triple Threat match" this week. Funny moment has Jericho convincing Chavo to team up with him against Stevie Ray. They doublewhip Stevie and Jericho pushes Chavo into Ray, who gets clotheslined. Jericho with the "arrogant cover" which Stevie Ray breaks up with a big kick, Jericho goes out. Stevie throws Chavo on top of Jericho. Back in, Chavo with a splash for 2, Jericho makes the save. Jericho tries to convince Chavo to team up again - Chavo appears to go along with it but dropkicks Jericho. Whip into the corner, flying punch. Sprinboard bulldog. 1, 2, Stevie breaks it up. Chavo and Stevie Ray have a discussion - Stevie grabs Chavo's fist - Jericho breaks it up. Now Jericho and Chavo are fighting over pinfall attempts. Stevie takes control of both of them. Double suplex and Stevie goes down. Double dropkick from the top. Chavo covers, Jericho breaks it up with a dropkick to Chavo's head. Too much happening in this match - Stevie Ray collides with referee "Blind" Mickey Jay. With the ref down, Stevie Ray reaches down for the blackjack in his tights (not what you think, you lech) and decks Jericho. Now Chavo's in with a sleeper. Somehow Stevie gets him off - we're looking at GIANT, who is out to chokeslam Stevie Ray. Giant leaves and Jay comes to, and the count is on. Crowd chants "Goldberg" unaware of the story taking place in the ring. At 7, Chavo is up, but Jericho grabs Jay so he can't see it. Chavo ends up staggering out of the ring. Jericho, now up, encourages Jay to finish the count, and for the first time I've ever seen in my life, a ref starts up where he left off, DOES get to ten, and Jericho wins (KO 5:24) - of course, if Chavo had won, would he have gotten the belt? Replay shows the blackjack from a better camera angle, it TOTALLY whiffed live. Giant chokeslams Stevie. Jericho distracts the ref. Jay hits ten for a rare non-COR CO. Yeah. Anyway...

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Warrior Disappears.

BRET HART v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship - Champ enters first, to his own music this week. Oh I see, we need an ad break before Page enters.

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321!

"Property of NWO" T-shirt ad - how DOES Konnan squeeze in those "arriba la razas" during these ads?


As Diamond Dallas Page enters, Tony talks about "ten seconds of wrestling" again. You know, last week on RAW, the ONLY wrestling they HAD was the main event and it was over fourteen minutes. They must not be talking about RAW after all. Well, here we go. Lockup, DDP with a knee, an elbow, another elbow, a punch, arm drag, shoulder block, headlock - I think that's every move Page knows! Belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Hart evades the Diamond Cutter attempt and leaves the ring. Page follows and waffles him from behind. Hart meets one barricade, then the other. Hart meets the steps. Stomp. Hart thrown back in and he's begging off. Page with an elbow in the corner. Another elbow. Knees, whip hard into the corner. Tony can't stop talking about RAW, I'm going to go see what they're showing. Suplex for 2. Page climbs the turnbuckles for the ten punch count along, but Hart hits him in a sensitive area. Snake Eyes by Hart and it looks ten times better than any time Nash did it. Stomp on the abs, stompin'. Hart pats referee "Blind" Nick Patrick on the back after a five count. Thumbs up! Hart to the punches in bunches, again he stops at 4. Got him by the hair, facerake on the top rope. Hart with the suplex - inside cradle by Page for 2. Rake of the face by Hart. Russian leg sweep for 2. Field goal kick in the ribs. Backbreaker. Must be time for the elbow from the second rope, yeah there it is. 1, 2, kickout. Page punches back but with yet another facerake. Choke on the second rope by Hart - he breaks at 4 because he's SMART. "DDP" chant resonates strongly through the arena - aw, I'm lying. Whip into the turnbuckle hard and Page folds in half on his way down. Hart stands on the neck and breaks at 4. Page is in a heap - Hart pulls him up for the piledriver. 1, 2, kickout. Hart has a problem with Patrick's count. Return to the kicks for Hart. Somehow, Page gets himself up off the canvas and it's second wind time. Lotsa punches and a knee. Punch, clothesline by page. To the top rope? Clothesline from the top! 1, 2, kickout. Page with a pancake for 2. Elbow smash. Whip, reversal, into the ref. Hart has the international object. Big roundhouse and Page falls TIMBER. Patrick is up - Hart has pulled Page on top of himself - 1, 2, Hart kicks out. This is the exact same ending as the Benoit match but the commentators seem to have forgotten that one - too bad. Hart with a head to the lower abs and a Scorpion Deathlock - Page manages to get to the ropes (although it looks like he taps out not once but TWICE). Hart with the big stomps. Hart picks up Hart - no, Diamond Cutter! Hart's foot is under the ropes, but Patrick doesn't notice it until 2. Page wants to deliver another Diamond Cutter. But Patrick is checking Hart - and Hart is complaining about a punch to the head with a loaded fist. "Check his tights." Of course, Patrick finds the knux and has no choice but to award the match to Hart. (DQ 12:02). Now THAT'S a story. Hart is the man.

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Fall Brawl features WarGames and it's 13 September!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they've got Wrestling Buddies! Man, Page is one ugly doll. Hey, Sting's wearing black'n'white! Hey, Savage doesn't have a gimp knee!

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to kill a little time because we're not close enough to the top of the hour. Hey Tony, this match better not be ten seconds or I'll never invite you to my house again.

ONE MORE TIME Tony talks about the "competitor's main event didn't even last as long as Buffer's introduction." What the HELL is he talking about? Let's look at the last few RAW main events.
10.8 Four-way tag team title match  - 14:30
3.8  Undertaker/Austin v. Owen/Rock - 11:13
27.7 Undertaker/Austin v. Outlaws   -  8:something
20.7 Kane/Mankind v. Steve Austin   -  4:55
13.7 Kane/Mankind v. Outlaws        -  8:07
6.7  Undertaker v. Mankind v. Kane  -  2:17
That last one is CLOSE, but still 13.7 times as long as ten seconds. It also took place six weeks ago. I'm stymied. I'm mystified. I just DON'T get it. Tony is a FUCKING IDIOT.

NO-SMOKIN' GIANT (with Booty Disciple) v. (bill "131-0") GOLDBERG for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - okay, the "main event." Giant with headbutts, slap on the chest. Goldberg punches back. Giant with headbutt. Giant with a bodyslam. Goldberg no-sells. Kick to the gut by Goldberg and a scoop slam. Well, the crowd digs it anyway. Lockup, Giant with a knee to the gut, pounding the man down. To the corner, repeated knees by the Giant. Russian leg sweep (?!?). Goldberg gets up a bit more slowly. Giant with headbutt. Another headbutt. Giant throws him to the floor to the Disciple. Goldberg blocks a punch and lets loose with one of his own. Disciple sure looks weak. Now the double team is on. Giant picks up Goldberg but Goldberg slips out and pushes Giant into the ringpost. Giant back in the ring. Goldberg is following - Giant with yet another headbutt. Suplex in? Oh but yes. Goldberg stands up first. Spear. Oh well, it was a nice little match while it lasted. Disciple is in to cause the DQ (Hey Tony, fuck you again.) Goldberg jackhammers Disciple (I guess he can't jackhammer the Giant and the crowd needs to see ONE of them). SCOTT HALL is out to add a little insult to injury. KEVIN NASH is out to provide assistance becuase he and Goldberg are buddies. Unfortunately, he holds Hall and - yep, Hall pulls away at the last minute and *Nash* get speared. He pops up and bumps chests with Goldberg and we fade out.

(DQ entrance 3:16 [how odd], match 3:25)

Hmmm, you wanna guess which fed has LONGER main events, Tony, you fat prick who doesn't deserve to live? Oops, guess I can't work for WCW now. Ha! God bless! God bless MiCasa! God bless Scaia! Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!

Just in case you were curious:
10.8 Goldberg v. Meng       entrance 2:30, match 2:07
3.8  Giant/Hall v. Sting/Hart                    6:28
27.7 Hogan v. Page                               4:16
20.7 Hart v. Page (Page injured)                 2:50
13.7 Goldberg v. Hennig     entrance 3:13, match 1:22
6.7  Hogan v. Goldberg      entrance 3:50, match 8:11

Oh, Tony? Fuck you.

[slash] wrestling



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