/24 August 1998
I GET LETTERS: Last week I was THE most annoyed I've ever been watching
WCW Nitro (which I have FAITHFULLY done since the program debuted, I might
add). I have no problem making it public knowledge that in the grand
scheme of things, I am WWF biased. I would also think it's public
knowledge that I can enjoy things about both promotions, and that I have
no problem praising the things that I like just as vividly as I'll trash
the shit that I hate. Tony Schiavone, in an attempt to change me from the
kind of fan I am into HIS kind of fan - a mindless WCW automaton - tried
to beat into me his incredibly annoying (not to mention irritating) "ten
second taped main event" mantra, and, let's be honest, I did my Orrin
Hatch imitation. I blew my stack, then I blew my cork, then I blew my
stack again. Thank God I wasn't alone. Scaia, MiCasa, Hyatte, Petrie, to
name just a few, pretty much echoed the same sentiments.
But YOU GUYS - loyal readers, all - really got polarised by my comments. While many were along the lines of "Right on!" and incredibly positive, I got some of the most VICIOUS hate mail I'd ever received. I saved the best one for the bottom of this report, but here's a random sample:
i read your nitro report it was great,what a funny guy you are think anyone cares what someone nammed chris thinks. everyone knows the short main events are because goldberg can beat anyone in under 1:00 minute. as for the hormonmania of the superstars of the wwf they are so drunk they can't even keep them sober.
Now how am I supposed to respond to this? Make fun of the spelling and lack of capital letters? Poke fun at the irony of all the drunks supposedly being in the WWF? Mention that rather a lot of people care what someone named Chris thinks (even if it ain't me - hey Hyatte)?
Anyway, equal time - an unrepresentative sample of agreement:
I read your reports every week and I think you do a great job. I also was especially annoyed with Tony this week as he berated the WWF main events with his little "ten second long" spiel. I then noticed that at the end of your report, you gave the times of the last six WWF and WCW main events on Raw and Nitro. I figured to do a little research doing your archived reports and came up with a few facts, thought you might like them. I guess they prove, once again, that Tony Schiavone cannot say something that doesn't make him look like an idiot.
OK, the numbers cover the last 20 main events of both Raw and Nitro, dating back to April 6. The 20 Nitro main events total 1:10:55, meaning the average Nitro main event is 3:33. The 20 Raw main events total 1:56:51, meaning the average Raw main event is 5:51. The Raw main events are nearly two and a half minutes longer.
As for endings, here was the breakdown:
Nitro- Pin/Submissions - 10 Raw- Pin/Submissions - 14 DQ - 8 DQ - 2 CO - 1 CO - 1 No Contest - 1 No Contest - 3Again, Raw seems to win the battle here, as clear cut victories are usually preferable over repeated NWO run-ins.
On a side note, here is the breakdown of Goldberg and non-Goldberg main events:
Goldberg - 7 matches - total time 20:36 - average match 2:57
Non- Goldberg - 13 matches -total time 90:19 - average match 6:57
So Non- Goldberg matches lasted a full four minutes longer than ones which featured, as Tony would say, "our hero".
Lastly, for two Raw main events, May 11th, which was D-LO/Rock vs. Austin/McMahon, and May 18th, Patterson/Brisco vs. Austin, you had no time listed in your report, so to make it a LITTLE more fair, I listed both of these as 3:00 in my calculations, even though I'm sure the first one went longer than that. So those numbers could probably favor the WWF a little more. Also, a few weeks, there was no main event for either Raw or Nitro, instead an interview segment, etc., so for these weeks I took the last match as the main event.
So there you have it. I was more than likely just wasting your time, but when Tony said that last week, I just really felt the urge to do a little research and just find out how wrong he was. I found it funny that he would shoot down WWF main events for being short, when Goldberg wrestles in most of theirs now and the man cannot wrestle a match longer than two minutes. To top it off, I don't think it was ever said on Raw that Austin would be fighting in the main event anyway. Then WCW goes on to show us a quality main event: ends in a DQ at the 3:25 mark.
Keep up the good work with your reports, and please, never stop bashing Schiavone.
Matthew Hayden - you officially have less of a life than I do. And for that, I dub you official Monday Night Statistician of the Week. Thanks for the note.
He's right, you know - you can check the Archives yourself - the link is at the end of the column - right after that Best Letter of the Week.
Well, anyway, you're here to read a report, not my emails - still, here's one more - Joe Mendes told me I try too hard to only print negative emails, because (and rightly so) it spurs you on to cheer me up with positive emails. So this week I'll include two positive ones, hopefully that doesn't spur you to write negative emails, but we'll see:
I've been reading your reports for awhile now, and I must say that I find your statements about both shows...
After Monday nights, I now look forward to your reports. They are always well done, and even though I am a die-hard WWF fan, I even laugh when you crack jokes at RAW.
But, naturally, being a WWF fan, I love the way you make fun of Nitro, and quite frankly, they deserve everything they get. I've always told people that Tony Schiavone is a little fuck nugget, but no one listened. Now, they all know the truth.
Anybody that e-mails you telling you how much they hate your reports, you should simply reply with a nice little "Go fuck yourself!", because your reports are simply brilliant.
That one was from Russ McGinley - thanks, Russ. Everybody see that even Russ can figure out that I'm an equal opportunity critic even with my biases? Good. Let us never speak of this again (until next week).
We open with a shot of a black limousine pulling into the United Center, along with the TV-PG-DV ratings box. My dreams have come true, for inside is YOU KNOW WHO, CRACKA EAZY-E, the BOOTY DISCIPLE and LIZ. This show is Close Captioned for the hearing impaired. Yeah! We get to watch them walk all the way from their car to the ring! Oh yeah, there's a little Voodoo Chili cookin' over the PA. We're reminded that tonight the Warrior's Revolution will begin. You say you want a revolution? No, he don't want to change the world. Did you catch that stagehand slip Eric the microphone on the way to the ring? Did you catch Hogan checking his armpit for any white ooze? Eric knows that I eat this stuff up so he says it so I can transcribe. Holding up a pen, he said: "You know what Hollywood, before I turn it over to you, I want to make one thing very clear. This [the pen] is the most powerful thing in the universe, besides you. This is how I control WCW and the NWO. I'm the one that ran Vader out of WCW. I'm the one that ran Johnny B. Badd out of WCW, and with this pen I will keep anybody out - or anybody in - did you hear me Eddie? - that I choose. Don't forget it." Of course, it's still a work, but that doesn't make it any less interesting. Hogan promises to beat up somebody. Then he calls DDP a "puke" which reminds me of something I heard a while back. Hogan promises that Warrior won't be at War Games, which, knowing Warrior, is entirely possible. Eric does look a lot like a ventriloquist, trying to keep his lips from moving while Hogan talks. Hogan's already lost his voice tonight. He's going to beat Goldberg after he wins the War Games, and get his belt back. I will say THIS about this segment: Liz sure looks good.
Opening credits - why not, we're almost ten minutes in.
It's WCW Monday NITRO, coming to you LIVE! 24.8.98 from the United Center in Chicago, IL. Fireworks! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. We cut to a clip from last week entitled "THE WARRIOR SHOCKS NITRO." Clips need names and headlines now, see.
(MEAN) MIKE ENOS v. (THE NEW AND IMPROVED) WRATH (without James van den Berg) - Wrath has a new theme, the first bit sampled from a popular classic rock song and I won't SLEEP until one of you writes me and tells me which song it is - that's REALLY bugging me. Lockup, to the corner, Enos with knees to the gut. Wrath returns the favour and chops away (woooo!). Wrath throws Enos out and takes him to the barricade. 'nother chop (woooo!). Back in the ring - slingshot back elbow. Whip, kick to the gut. Butterfly suplex. Senton. 1, 2, no. Tony stops talking about Warrior long enough to mention that it's been a while since we've seen Wrath. Enos manages a powerslam for 2. Into the corner, follow lariat. Whip into the opposite corner, but Wrath moves out of the way from the shoulderblock. Enos manages to duck a flying elbow. Bodyslam by Enos, splash finds nothing but mat. Wrath with a pumphandle up into a bodyslam for the pin. Tenay curses this move by labeling it "innovative." I wonder if that means he's destined to reunite with Kanyon. (3:40) The replay is sponsored by Slim Jim!
Lee Marshall narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report as Nitro heads to Miami!
Fall Brawl and WarGames are 13 September!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Motel 6 7/8, America (ha!) Online, Hot Pockets, AND Moen faucets.
Clip entitled "FEEL THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR." My spider sense is tingling - I'm betting we don't see Warrior tonight. The more clips they show tonight, the more sure I feel of it.
Larry imagines that he heard a fan chanting his name, so he leaves Tony and Mike to talk about Goldberg and Nash, and their problems thereof. Let Us Take You Back to last week's main event where Goldberg is ready to finish off Giant, but Disciple runs in for the DQ. Disciple tastes the jackhammer. Hall comes in, Nash comes in and holds Hall, Goldberg goes for the spear, Hall steps aside, and Nash...well, you saw it last week.
Hey, look! It's the Nitro girls! Next week, the excitement of the Live Nitro party. Tony's mangling of the Mug tagline this week is "The foam goes straight to the Brain." He does that just for me, you know. This week's winning Nitro party, in a surprise turn, really sucks. Tony gets the Mug slogan correct the second time, so I'll give him props.
KAZ HAYASHI v. DEAN MALENKO - Dean does my favourite move, which is to adjust his wristbands on his way to the ring. The word "Horsemen" is said about a million times, and the name "Ric Flair" is said about zero times. Hayashi rocks most mightily, but we all know he has no chance of winning. About a half dozen guys try to fire up a "We want Flair" chant but it ain't happening. Hayashi hits a cool somersault senton. Let's take an ad break because no one REALLY cares about this match.
When we come back, it's still resthold city. Hayashi brings back my interest with a diving, twisting, somersault-like tope. Hayashi even gets a GREAT belly-to-back suplex for 2.99999. Hayashi's moonsault finds the knees, but he still comes up with La Majistral for 2. Malenko comes back for good. Big kick, powerbomb, Tejas cloverleaf. In a perfect world, Hayashi would have won. The commentators do pump him up a little bit though. Anyway, (6:44ish).
Let's take a special look at the Wolfpack - all four of them.
Time for the WOLFPACK to kill some time. Sting's missing, but nobody says anything about it. Luger says "most definitely." Konnan speaks on dis. Nash finally injects something new into this routine - "I'M gonna run this company, and if I've gotta be World Champion, then that's something I gotta do!" After the pre-requisite Hogan bashing, Nash challenges Hogan, then turns to Goldberg. "The first time you speared me, we had a beer, everything was cool. Well the only people I had a beer with last week are the two guys standing next to me right now (Sting drinks milk, I guess). So Goldberg, it's plain and simple, both my guys out here tonight have prior matches, but my dance card is empty. Hogan and Giant in the back, sayin' they want to have a tag match, so Goldberg, the question is this. You wanna bury the hatchet? You wanna make things right? The only way to make things right is to tag up with me, and me and you-" he is cut off as that music starts and yes, we'll get to watch GOLDBERG walk from his dressing room all the way to the ring, flanked by about fifteen security guys. Couldn't they get him a closer dressing room? He IS the World Champion, after all. Goldberg's entrance takes 1:42. It takes him about :03 to say whatever he said off mic and he walks off. "In case you didn't hear what he said, he said 'you want it, you got it.'" Ahh, so I guess we have a main event tonight. Everybody who knows how it's going to end, raise your hand. You all know already, don't you. Isn't that sad? Doesn't that suck?
By the way, it bears mentioning that Hogan didn't say a damn THING about the Giant in his opening interview - and we haven't actually SEEN Giant yet. But I believe I'll let that go.
NWO Wolfpack T-shirt. Buy the shirt!
Clip from last week is entitled "NO NWO FOR THE WARRIOR." Might as well call it "NO PAY FOR WARRIOR FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW"
JIM NIEDHART v. KONNAN - whew, they're back to misspelling the Anvil's last name. What a relief. Entertaining sidebar has Tenay explaining what "arriba la raza" means. I always knew Tenay was down with the vatos locos. Tenay's bout it, bout it. Oh yeah, Niedhart wins. Just kidding. (Submission 2:34) The replay of the Tequila Sunrise shows that Anvil had a free arm but didn't know what the hell to do with it. Oh well.
MEAN GENE OKERLUND (who, this week, looks suspiciously like Tony Schiavone) brings out STEVIE RAY. He promises to deal with the Giant and the NWO at a later time. Before Tony can bring up the TV title, out comes BOOKER T. (finally!) "You know Tony, you know a lot of people, you know they want to know where I been, you know. And for the last, you know, six to eight months in WCW, I been running myself ragged. So what I did, I left the country because I wanted to be away from professional wrestling, I wanted to be away from the scene. I just wanted my body to heal totally so I could come back and give the people 110%. But, you know I been back for a couple days, you know and I can't even walk out of the house, you know to pick up my paper without somebody axing me why is Stevie Ray doing what he's doing, you know, why is Stevie Ray taking the Television title you know and desecrating, you know, I want everybody to know that I worked hard for the telvision title, and I just wanta know one thing, bro, what the HELL is going on." I wasn't going to transcribe that, but the "you know" thing got me interested. Stevie Ray says yeah, he took the belt, and yeah, he defended the belt. The belt's coming between then, and J.J. Dillon is *pimping* Booker T. Tony announces that J.J. Dillon named Booker T. #1 Contender to the US title, and Stevie Ray is a little unhappy about that - they're supposed to be doing the tag team thing and where's his head at? "I am gonna go in and get a little redemption...Bret Hart, I want you to know something sucka...we gonna rock'n'roll and we gonna raise the roof in this mug just one more time, now can you dig it? ... All I need, is for you to watch my back."
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Kimberly's ... dancing?
Tenay tells us everything that's coming up, and to please not change the channel just because RAW is live and in Philadelphia. Well, maybe not that last part.
SummerSlam ad airs in the local slot.
Tony Schiavone introduces the TV-PG-DV ratings box and then brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who just HAS to walk out through the fans, 'cause he's the People's blahblahblah. Page calls "Sleazy-E" "that little squirm of a worm." He goes on to wish he could stick Bischoff's pen...well, he wimps out and goes for the ear instead. Apparently, Page is backed into a corner, as Bischoff is going to use legal tactics to keep Warrior off of team WCW. Of course, this segues nicely into an appearance by ROWDY RODDY PIPER, who they are *still* referring to as interim comissioner, even with J.J. Dillon seemingly fit to make decisions like that...well, anyway. Where are we going with this? I don't know. Piper sucks up to Page, then mentions that "I am the only guy Eric Bischoff can't fire" and after some incoherent ramblings, divulges that he will join team WCW and do everything in his power to get Warrior as an active member of WCW so they can have him to complete the team. Maybe we WILL see Warrior tonight. Well, we'll see.
Fireworks! It's hour two (more or less)!
Tickets go on sale Thursday for Uniondale. Tickets go on sale Friday for Baltimore, Fairfax, and Rochester.
Close Captioning sponsored by the Money Store.
WCW/NWO Magazine ad.
STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL v. SICK BOY (no entrance) - Mongo points to the word "BEARS" on his jacket in the desperate hope that the Chicago fans will remember he used to play football there. No wait, that's RIGGS. Sorry, after two weeks in a row I'm just expecting it every week. "We want Flair" fires up and Mongo CUPS HIS EAR TO ENCOURAGE IT. Doesn't work, but interesting nonetheless. Riggs gets his really cool dropkick and that's about all worth mentioning (well, okay, the tongue waggle is worth mentioning). Crowd actually watches something in the stands instead of this match. Tombstone. (5:47) After the match, HORACE and SICK BOY are in and one STOP sign shot later, Mongo needs DEAN MALENKO to come out to provide help. Malenko takes out Horace, then puts Sick Boy in the Tejas cloverleaf. Here's SATURN to break the hold - why? Then he dives out of the ring - but runs into Horace's STOP sign (or that's what was supposed to happen). Now Malenko and McMichael are left in the ring - Mongo flashes the four fingers and asks Dean to do it, too. Crowd's going apeshit. Malenko - offers the handshake, then leaves the ring. Crowd boos. Ha! Well, they shook hands anyway.
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!
The WCW Power Plant is the huhvuh of pruhfuhshuhnuh ruhsnuh
Clip: "THE REVOLUTION BEGINS"
Bobby Heenan is on to provide his unique perspective - ah, hell, who cares.
(BIG) RICK FULLER v. (BIG) SCOTT NORTON (with Vincenzo) in a "Winner gets to keep the 'Big' moniker" match - chop, chop, chop, reverse, chop, chop, whip, reversal, splash, Samoan drop, whip, reversal, big boot, lariat, kneedrop, no-sell, chop, chop, chop, duck clothesline, belly-to-back suplex, powerbomb (whoa), 1, 2, 3 (1:12). Does it matter who did what?
Video look at NWO Hollywood. They don't mention Vincent! It's RACISM! Hmm, didn't mention the Japanese guys either...
Clip: "WILL THE WARRIOR RETURN?"
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Doc) v. RICK STEINER - the graphic says "with Doc" so I guess that's what we call him from now on. The Doc is shaking his head as Scotty walks to the ring, as if Scott is wrestling tonight against his better judgement. Scott is just damn frightening looking. I don't WANT to see veins where he's showing off veins. The Doc says "As your acting physician, I can't give you clearance to wrestling tonight, because..." Steiner: "Because why, I'm hurt?" Doc: "Right on!" Now since Buff didn't come out with them, we can only assume he's going to come out as Rick Steiner, 'cause they can't give this match away three weeks before the PPV. Hey look, it's BUFF BAGWELL as Rick Steiner! Tony: "We've been duped again." What do you mean "we", kemo sabe? "Can you believe that once again we have been duped by..." Hey Tony, can you offhand think of a time in the past two months that Scott Steiner actually WASN'T lying? Anyway, Scotty says they could fight, OR Scotty could feed him a doggie treat. Buff eats the treat. Scotty has Rick roll over and play dead and then he forces referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson to count a pinfall. "That's what's going to happen at Fall Brawl!"
NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Goldberg said "You got it!" just like Johnny Canales would. How's THAT for an obscure reference?
BRIAN ADAMS (with Vincenzo) v. THE NARCISSIST - now THIS, my friends, is a dream match. Glacial feeling out process ends with Luger removing his shirt and flexing his pecs. Adams does a pec flex of his own. Big lockup, to the corner, break. Big lockup, to the corner, this time referee "Blind" Billy Silverman has to get between the men to force the break. Big lockup, big side headlock, Adams tries to power out but goes down again. Power out, big shoulderblock. "Roaring lion" pose. Adams leaves the ring. Like THREE minutes have already passed here. Big lockup, to the corner, Adams with a punch. Whip, big reveral, big hip toss. Adams with a clothesline after a Vincent distraction. Adams with the kickin' and the stompin'. Foot on the throat. Adams stands on Luger's abs. Now throwing Luger out so Vincent can actually manage to get some shots in. Luger gets back in the ring and Adams tries a semi-arrogant cover for 2. Headscissors is an interesting choice for Adams. He needs somebody. Somebody like you. Everybody needs somebody! We're now at the FIVE minute mark. These matches are easy to provide blow-by-blow, but they're so BORING. Legdrop. Repeat. 1, 2, no. Whip, into the corner hard and Luger goes down. Adams with ... with ... atomic drop which Luger no-sells. Big punches aplenty. Adams goes down. To the corner, Adams blocks and takes Luger head first to the turnbuckle. Vertical suplex for 2 by Adams. Vulcan neck pinch by Adams, recalling his glory days of teaming with Yokozuna. Who the hell gave THESE guys this much television time? Arm falls but not thrice. Luger hulks up and hits some big elbows to get out of the hold. Adams counters and military presses him then gives a knee to the gut. 1, 2, no! Adams is smokin' here and still I'm sure he'll find a way to not win. Kneedrop misses. To the ropes, Luger catches him and takes his head to the big canvas. Big clothesline. Big clothesline. Big Ace Toolbox elbow. 1, 2, no! LUGER TRIED A COVER FOR THE PINFALL! Big whip, big powerslam. Vincent is up, but Luger catches him with a big lariat and then provides another big bionic elbow to take him out of the ring...but Adams hits a doublesledge. Luger with the big Torture rack out of nowhere for the submission (9:03) What a gyp.
Let's take a special look at Warrior, which means another pastiche of clips edited together from last week's interview, with the slo-mo and moody music treatment and ending with the Bat signal.
RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena ad.
TV-PG-DV box - the spotlights are out and the rock music is playing - and I was wrong - we ARE going to see MR. DESTRUCITY come out, right now in fact. He's going to open hour number three - THIS time he runs to the ring, like he's supposed to. He's shaking the ropes! I'm getting pumped! Well, almost. I'm just so old and cynical these days. Tony: "The revolution is NOW!" "Speak to me Waryrs!" His coat says OWN: One Warrior Nation. He has a shiny belt buckle. And, yes, he's breathin' hard from that run to the ring. "Talk to me, WAR-YRS!" I already see some freebie OWN shirts handed out to the front row. You think they gave him ANOTHER fifteen minutes? The giant pauses are still happening. "Last week, after years of absence in a sporadic career, I stood face-to-face with the man, I at one time looked up on as my mentor. It's common knowledge that if you want to excel in any field, you study the masters, emulate the champions, model the virtues of the pre-eminent individuals in that particular field. You Hogan, were the model of champion - the master of everything that I tried to emulate. Yet last week, when I looked through your eyes into your soul, I saw little or none of the virtues that I remember or anybody here remembers. And if there are any, they lay shrouded beneath layers of deceit and infamy. Frankly Hogan, how your present condition manifested itself isn't the material that needs to be analysed and brought to closure on the world's #1 wrestling program. Bottom line is, you sold out to mediocrity, and when that became difficult, you sold out to mindless self-pity. You traded being one in a million for becoming one of the million." [Crowd's going "Huh?"] I would give a MILLION dollars to have a "We want Flair" chant start up now. This, by the way, is a giant pause. Maybe he forgot what he was going to say. "I hear you! Patience, waryrs, patience is a great virtue. You, Hogan, miscalculated. For you never assumed someone would come forward that knew the difference between a rebellion and a revolution, and that, Hogan, will become your gravest mistake. For tonight, Hogan, everything that you revere is now, from this moment forth, threatened. Tonight, Hogan, your entire world is going to turn completely upside down. For tonight...for tonight, Hogan, I launch ... unleash, the power of the Waryrs. I let loose, the OWN revolution: the One Warrior Nation revolution." Are there some boos in there? "A hero - a one-time hero, with an unlimited, yet undisciplined mind is a dangerous thing. I intend - the Waryrs intend - to eradicate that danger. You, Hogan, will be destroyed. I intend - I intend to show the world that a revolution is built on better ideas, not beligerent idiocy! I intend to show the world a revolution is based on magnificence, not malfeasance! I intend to show that a revolution is based on courage, not cowardness [cowardice, Warrior?]. And that, Hogan, is all that you need to know. Next week, Hogan, the revolution continues. Same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel. The big screens show white noise and the Batsignal it shown. This segment took about ten minutes.
I'm sorry, but they better not keep this up too long or people WILL turn on him. Unless that's the idea...
Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Total Hair Fitness shampoo, Compu$erve, and AWESOME! Ring Pops.
Third hour fireworks. Tony is all over One Warrior Nation. Oh, God. Coincidentally, OWN backwards is DOG.
CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE (without Rick Rude) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the WCW World Television Title - THUNDER! is Wednesday, by the way. Jericho takes a sign, shows it, rips it up, then slips on it for comical effect. The man was born to entertain. The timekeeper doesn't ring the bell for 14 seconds after Mark Curtis give the signal - I don't know why I shared that with you. Hennig can't wrestle Jericho without breaking into spontaneous laughter. Heenan plugs the Outback steakhouse. Lockup, to the rope. Jericho accuses a hairpull. Hennig takes down Jericho and holds up two fingers. Lockup, no Hennig grabs him, reversal, counter, to the ropes. Hennig is toying with Jericho - but why? Lockup again. Jericho pulls the hair so Hennig pulls the hair back. Just who ARE the fans supposed to be rooting for anyway? Jericho slaps Hennig in the face. Now they're nose to nose - now Hennig with the headbutts, big kicks, chops (woooo!) and Jericho fires back with some chops (woooo!) of his own. Hennig takes control. Field goal kick. Cover for 2. Chop by Hennig (woooo!), snapmare, Hennig necksnap (tm). Jericho with an elbow, punch, spinning kick, foot to the throat. Now Jericho and Curtis are having a debate. Back to the kicks by Jericho. Hennig grabs the foot and there's a dragon screw legwhip where Jericho rolls the opposite direction. Jericho's outside, Hennig follows. BIg chops (woooo!) Back in and Jericho kicks the back of the leg. Again. Hennig flip(tm). Dropkick and Hennig falls from the apron to the floor. Jericho goes out and gets him back in. Punch. Whip, reversal, Hennig eats a boot coming in. Great missile dropkick from the middle by Jericho. Suplex. Arrogant cover(tm) for 2. Hennig comes back with an axehandle. Whip, reversal, leapfrog, dropkick is swatted away - Liontamer attempt, Hennig grabs the rope. Jericho thought he won and had his back turned. Axehandle. Hennigplex attempt is countered (!) with an inside cradle for 2. Back and forth punching and chopping (woooo!). Bell rings and apparently the time limit is announced (draw "10:00" [6:08]) Jericho throws Curtis out of the ring and Hennig continues kicking Jericho. Here's NO-SMOKIN' GIANT - now why is he out? Hennig holds up Jericho for Giant - but Giant grabs Hennig by the throat and shoves him to the corner. Hennig wants to know what's going on - Giant almost lunges at Hennig, but they don't come to blows. Everybody leaves separately. So it's now been established that Jericho and Giant have a ... THING.
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!
Nitro Party call for tapes. Tony correctly nails the Mug slogan.
Backstage, Booker T. and Stevie Ray are arguing. Booker T. tells Stevie Ray to just watch his back, dammit.
SummerSlam ad. (x2) Man, somebody at TCI must be asleep at the switch.
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by PlayStation!
BRET HART v. BOOKER T. for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship - Hart comes out, but Booker does not. Hart "I wish you people would show me a little respect - let me speak up. You know, people come up to me all the time and they ask me, 'what's got into you Bret Hart? You used to be such a nice guy.' Well, you know what? I'm as nice as I ever was. It's you people here who have corrupted the world of heroes and there's absolutely nobody that you can trust or rely on anymore, which is why I went to the one man I can trust - the one man I can respect - Hollywood Hogan - the greatest wrestler of all time - I don't respect anybody more than I respect Hollywood Hogan - but see, I'm caught in this horrible dilemma, because I have a guy that's kinda like a brother to me - my good buddy Sting. And Sting, you and me think alike, we act alike, we almost look alike, so I'm caught in a situation of respect on one hand for one man who believes in one thing, and respect for another man who's kinda making a lotta mistakes, but I still respect him, and the problem with Sting is all you people - you people are what's wrong with the world of wrestling today - so I'm going to be just like - just like what a Hitman should be in Chicago, and you look at the long list of people that I've wiped out since I've been here, from Piper to Savage to Benoit to Booker T. and whoever - Booker T., get your ass out here and prepare for one more ass-kicking!" Oh oh, he said that word - twice! Booker T.'s music plays another time - and still we don't see him. So hell, let's take an ad break.
When we come back, Stevie Ray is standing over Booker T., who is rolling around on the ground in pain. Stevie Ray makes the Goldberg-esque walk to the ring (Hey look, there's Horace's STOP sign!) and faces Hart. "Wait a minute - I got no problem witchoo. I didn't do nothin' witchoo - don't blame me, if your brother got beat up in the back here. I don't know what happened to your brother. If he got beat up back there, it's got nothing to do with me. Now for me, I'm just here to defend my title, don't blame me. If you've got problems with your brother - you said it yourself; your brother's made some poor career decisions. He's made some mistakes. And you shouldn't have to pay for it. And I know I'M not gonna pay for it. And there's no reason for you to take it out on me." Meanwhile, GIANT, BUFF BAGWELL, CURT HENNIG, SCOTT NORTON, SCOTT STEINER and VINCENT have come out. "You can go the easy way, or you can go the hard way, and I'm the head recruiter for the NWO. And there's no reason for you to get yourself in a bad situation here, because WE RESPECT YOU. We're not trying to FORCE you to join us. We're not trying to put you in a bad spot here. The Giant here, he's the measuring stick of the NWO, what we're asking here is, why don't you come along and join us. Don't listen to these people, these people will lead you down the path of ruin. Come on, be a buddy." And he goes ALONG with it! "My brother made his choice, and Stevie Ray is making HIS choice!" Giant and Stevie Ray make up. Vincent, I think is the happiest, because finally there's another brother in that group. Hey Vincent, if I were you I'd be worried - they don't need TWO tokens!
Oh yeah - (no contest).
Anybody find it weird that Time Life's "Songs 4 life" is plugged in this set of ads and it's a Christian set?
NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad - isn't this like the third time tonight for this one?
Twenty minutes left in the show and out come the participants in the main event? Hmmm...
YOU KNOW WHO & NO-SMOKIN' GIANT (with Booty Disciple) v. AD BREAK - sign in crowd says "Goldberg can only go two minutes." Ain't that the truth, baby.
Big Sexy T-shirt ad. Buy the shirt!
Somehow, there are now fourteen minutes left in the hour. Of course, Nash gets his own entrance, we already know it'll take Goldberg around ten minutes to hit the ring - ok, that'll be a three minute main event. Yeah, that'll make sense. Goldberg's entrance is ONLY two minutes. Goldberg and Nash do the "Wonder Twin Powers" hand signal. Ten minutes left in the show.
YOU KNOW WHO & NO-SMOKIN' GIANT v. BIG SEXY THE GIANT KILLER and (bill "133-0") GOLDBERG - Tony casually mentions that the no-powerbombs rule has been released - so that's as close as we'll get to an announcement that powerbombs are officially legal again. Giant and Nash start. Lockup, Giant takes Nash to the corner and misses a forearm shot. Nash ducks out. Giant wants a test of strength but it's a ruse - headbutt. To the corner. Repeated knees, lariat, boot. Elbowdrop on the prone Nash misses. Nash with a right and a knee. Another knee. After sizing him up, Nash delivers an elbow. Whip into the corner and a follow clothesline. Punch to the head. Repeat. Boss Man straddle and an unkind look for Hogan. Whip - double clothesline and nobody moves. Double big boot and both men go down. Nash is up and Goldberg tags him. Nash didn't want it but he's in. Giant also tags Hogan. Hogan has doo-rag hair. After some sizing up, there's a lockup. Goldberg pushes Hogan away and does a Luger-esque pos. Another lockup, another shove by Goldberg. Hogan complains of a (ha) hairpull. Lockup, Hogan pounds away. Rake of the eyes, Hogan breaks at 4 then goes right back to the face. Head to the turnbuckle. Repeat. Repeat. Goldberg shakes it off and roars. Hogan backs up but Goldberg is on him. Hogan to the eyes. Whip, Goldberg ducks a lariat and hits a shoulderblock, there's two, there's three. Disciple whacks Goldberg with the Title belt as Goldberg goes back for #4. Now Nash is chasing the Disciple around the outside of the ring while Hogan takes control over Goldberg. CURT HENNIG is out and he, Giant and Disciple triple-team Nash. Meantime, Hogan hits a belly-to-back in Goldberg's corner - when Goldberg gets up, he sees an empty corner. Hennig is in, Disciple is in - referee "Blind" Mickey Jay has amazingly avoided calling a DQ. Nash is in now, and it's two on four. Here's THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE from the back. Luger and Hennig go at it, now Giant headbutts Luger. Still no DQ. KONNAN is in and it's 4-on-4. Goldberg has decided to stop selling and Hennig is the first victim. Now everybody's outside the ring except Goldberg and Hennig. Spear by Goldberg. Does anybody have any idea what exactly is happening here? Jackhammer on Hennig? Don't you DARE call a pinfall here. 1, 2, 3. Fuckin' a. (8:15, I guess) Pinfall on Hennig, who wasn't in the matchup. Yeah sure. Hogan with the double axehandle from behind. But Goldberg rises again - and then Nash, who was trying to give the big boot to Hogan, ended up hitting Goldberg. Hogan takes Nash out of the ring and follows. Giant and Goldberg are left in the ring. Giant clotheslines Goldberg out of the ring (causing Tony to remark "My goodness!") And now, for no good reason, here come WARRIOR, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, and ROWDY RODDY PIPER, who clean house. Oh, I guess Piper made good on his promise. How else can we screw this up? Goldberg gives a good staring to Nash as we fade to black.
I would sigh but it's so condescending...
As promised, here's my letter of the week.
Tony is a fucking idiot? What about you? I'm sick of your printing these obnoxious reports which are so ridiculously anti WCW every week. Sure you have a right to your own opinion, as does everyone else, but you are just so annoying that I have to tell my opinion about you.
You say that the WCW sucks, in so many words, yet you never even give them credit for what they have done. Let me remind you, since most likely you have forgotton. When the WCW was badly losing the ratings (I'm referring to the pre-nWo era) they tried to come out of it by simply providing a better product, which was much more creative than what the competition had to offer.
Now what did the WWF do to retaliate? They simply stoop to the lowest common denominator to please people like yourself. It's pretty revolting to have things like Shawn Michaels moon the camera or DX encourage women to flash the audience. I know you probably love that stuff, but that's probably because you can't get a date. Now, although that's pretty low, what's even worse is how they decided to raise ratings by making NOD a group of black militants. That irritates the hell out of me, to the point where I will never watch that show again. Is it right for Farooq to use anti-white rhetoric, just to raise ratings? Is it right to introduce the notion of the KKK, white hoods, and the "n word?" Such racist notions should NOT be placed in any kind of wrestling show. And for the WWF to use those means, just for a few ratings points is absolutely repulsive. And every time you disrespect WCW, you completely disacknowledge how they have raised their ratings.
Getting to your remark earlier, sure Tony is an idiot, but what about the many times the WWF has attacked WCW on thier show--in your opinion, that's just humorous. The bottom line is that if your going to write a Nitro Report, at least have some courtesy for WCW fans (or anti-WWF fans like myself) who can't stand your obnoxiousness. I'm not going to read it again, but I speak for the others out there (and yes, there are others)
And also, by all means print this letter in your report. I know you need the attention from readers, since you probably never get any as a child. But realize also, that the limit of your world is about the size of your keyboard.
I know you think your a real big man, able to write monday night reports, but believe me, in this world you are nothing. If you really want to make a difference, volunteer at a community center or tutor adults to get their GED's (assuming you have a college degree)
Wow, I didn't realize I had that much to say.
In my own defense, I *did* manage to get you to read this far. And dammit, my parents LOVE me, so none of that "you never get any [attention] as a child" crap. You can bash ME all you want, but leave innocent parents out of it.
And finally, John, is it true that you didn't give me your last name because it happens to be...
Remember, friends, my keyboard is bigger than yours, and that's why I'm a real big man. At least in my own limited world...
Anybody wanna go out on a date?