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/31 August 1998

WCW Nitro




I GET LETTERS: Okay, I get it! It's Van Halen's "Running with the Devil!" Okay! Kudos to Erik Handy for being the first person to email me letting me know that's where WCW stole it for Wrath's theme's opening.

Secondary kudos go to Kelly-Marie Norris, Zen, Chris O'Brien (who said it was Mike Enos' music but I'll let that go), Marshall Dickerson, Jeff Havens, Jim Brambilla, Andy Hardin, Moose Arnold (salute!), Mike Slaggie, Peter Vacca, Big Jim Wilson, Brian Scrivner, Jared Leach, Al Florendo, Brian Scala, Alan Hines, Patrick Conn, Matt from Birmingham, and Lou Castagno, all of whom were more than happy to tell me that it was Van "first lineup was the best" Halen's "Running with the Devil" that had its opening stolen for Wrath's theme.

And lest I forget, let me also send thanks to Dennis Globe, "Pocket Hercules," Steve Gaffney, David Murry, Soulcutter Tyser, Chuck Hagle, Dean Williams, Andrew Howells, James P. Serino, Paul Matzen, the ever popular (Name Withheld), and Gypsy. And probably a handful of other people whose names I missed when I was going over my email from last week, all of whom wrote me and let me know that the bit stolen for Wrath's theme came from Van "Scott Keith thinks you should buy DLR Band compact discs" Halen's "Running with the Devil."

By the way, I didn't make any of those names up. You see that, WCW? People read this column! DESPITE the fact that I'm TOTALLY biased, that I PRAISE WWF Raw undeservedly and BASH Nitro undeservedly, that I make no pretense of being a journalist (other than a broadcast journalist) OR impartial, and if you don't like it, what's that thing that Cracka Eazy-E always says? "Bite me?" Well, except for Mark Madden, 'cause he's got MiCasa's back.

I watched a little US Open tennis this afternoon ('cause Monica Seles gets me SO hot I can't stand it) and was shocked to see Hunter Hearst Helmsley making an ass out of himself to shill RAW. That's it. No funny comments, just a "huh," and now you know. And knowing is half the battle. Am I more embarrassed to be a fan of rasslin' or a fan of women's tennis? Let's put it this way. I would DIE if I met Mary Joe Fernandez. I'm not sure I could even work up mild palpitations to meet a wrestler. Maybe I'm just straight, I don't know. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Ladies and gentlemen, there's the TV-PG-DV box! The DV stands for "Don't Vomit at the smell of Voodoo Chili!" The Closed Captioned logo tells us some poor sap has to transcribe all this crap in real time. And here is YOU KNOW WHO and CRACKA EAZY-E come to open the show with that thing that they usually do to open the show. Why yes, Hogan DOES give Bischoff a big wet one. Why yes, Tony DOES say "Warrior" about a MILLION times during the slow walk to the ring. Oh, by the way, I have to say that Tony did a damn fine job on THUNDER! last week. He did several ENTIRE matches without nary a sidebar - no, really! Really laid back and I liked it. I give praise. Eric blathers on about his pen and says that Eddie Guerrero WILL wrestle tonight, and Warrior will not, because his pen is mightier than a sword. Or something. Someone's tipped off Eric to that annoying habit of moving his lips while Hogan talks, because they're PURSED, man, he ain't movin' 'em for fear that some geek who spends too much time behind a computer might make fun of it. Damn, they keep this up and I'll be out of a job because there will be nothing left for me and everyone will figure out just how bitter I really am. Hogan reveals Team Hollywood - himself, Bret Hart, and ... Stevie Ray? Guess Hall's worse off than we thought (or they have a convenient pin-ee now). Hogan says "the Ule Warrior" meaning You Can't Say That On Television. So Hogan will take care of Warrior, THEN he'll take care of Goldberg. Hogan has managed to keep his voice during most of this diatribe while the crowd lustfully chants "Goldberg" as if the Champ were Daryl Strawberry (or Irwin R. Schyster). Finally, Hogan says "the hell with WarGames, come out here right now," and sure enough the lights start flickering, some muttering over the PA, and out ... walks ... MR. DESTRUCITY to "another spectacular entrance." (credit: Tony) While he doesn't run, he DOES shake the ropes, and he IS bathed in an awful lot of black light. Look at that OWN trenchcoat and shake your head. Hogan talks some more. "Warrior!" then the ringposts do a Kane impersonation - apparently, that's a Hogan pyro thing - it represents something. NWO HOLLYWOOD has surrounded the ring in the meantime. Suddenly the lights go out, Warrior says "Speak to me Waryrs!" the eerie smoke does its eerie thing and the Black and White Express is left to look around like doofuses because he's disappeared. Now I know you think I'm going to be a smartass and say "at least he didn't give another one of THOSE interviews," but instead I'll just say doesn't that Batsignal look really cool? Did the crowd chant "Warrior sucks" as we cut to the ad break? Naaaah. I must have misheard that.

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline - did they get their money's worth?

Opening credits at 12 past. It's WCW MONDAY NITRO and it's LIVE! Well, via tape delay on the west coast. It's 31.8.98 and Nitro emanates from the Oh-rena in Miami, FL. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyzsko. FIREWORKS! The Treacherous Three talk about the Warrior until Larry hears a "Larry" chant. Tonight's main event is Hogan & Hart vs. Sting & Luger in a WarGames preview. Sign behind Tenay says "LA PARKA IS MIKE TENAY." Hey, look, it's ProPlayer Stadium, where Mark McGwire and Goldberg chum it up. That's pretty cool - I hope it doesn't mean McGwire will be wrestling at Halloween Havoc.

JIM POWERS (without Teddy Long) v. WRATH (without James van den Berg) in a "Where'd our managers go?" match - I keep waiting for Wrath to do the Adam Bomb pose - you know the one where his arms explode? Lockup, to the corner, chop (woooo!), repeat, repeat, knees to the chest - wait, this is a Jim Powers match. I don't need to give you play-by-play. Powers isn't gonna do a DAMN thing. Wrath succesfully executes a sidewalk slam, which Tony expertly calls a "dropdown." If you don't find *that* funny, you better just go find Petrie's report where you'll find a lot funnier set of sidewalk slam jokes. Powers tries the ten punch count along, and Wrath just shoves him away. Funny! Powers tries AGAIN! Even more funny! For an encore, Powers blows out his knee and we are mercifully forced to cut this match short by immeditely moving to the Meltdown and the pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Wrath attacks Powers after the pin, leading me to think maybe Powers didn't REALLY hurt his knee after all. Maybe I'm just cynical.

Local drop-in hypes the local RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena 14 September. I have not yet been contacted to sing the national anthem, but hold out hope.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're wearing their "slut" outfits and humping the commentator's set! Actually, there's only four because the other four are in Wapakoneta, Ohio, along with MEAN GENE OKERLUND, who has managed to surround himself with an entire squad of high school cheerleaders. He's so enjoying himself, he talks to "Bobby" even though Bobby isn't out yet.

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY v. SCOTT "FLASH" NORTON (with Vincenzo) - I wish smiley wouldn't do the pec flex. This is Norton, so it's a total squash. Headbutts, chops (woooo!), short clothesline, powerslam. 1, 2, Norton pulls him up. Oh, it's one of THOSE matches. Norton continues to demolish Smiley. Shoulderbreaker! 1, 2, he pulls him up. Commentators are apoplectic. Smiley has managed a grand total of zero athletic moves. Truckstop powerbomb. 1, 2, 3. (2:29) Lights flicker - oh boy I hope somebody says "OWN" really soon. Wait a minute! It's STING! Oh no, it's the Warrior, pretending he's Sting...he's holding his hand out as if he were part of the Sistine chapel (see what a renaissance man I am? Har, har.) What's it about? We don't know, we immediately turn to a clip of...

Mike Tenay, before the show, finds Lodi and Saturn - Lodi is pretty happy and Saturn is carrying the luggage. Saturn says he's a man of his word, a former Army Ranger, a man of honour, and he will be true to his word. "Pain is temporary and pride is forever."

Lee Marshall narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report. Next Monday, Nitro emanates from Pensa Diet Cola, Florida!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Motel 6 7/8, America (ha!) Online, and Moen kitchen sinks, AND Tootsie Roll candies. Stop the carnage! That's enough shilling for now!

A howl rises up and soars through the arena, that can only mean it's time for an interview! Here's KONNAN, KEVIN NASH, and THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE. So if Sting is in the main event, why don't we see him now? Nobody wonders. I suppose I shouldn't either. You know, when I stop to think about it, the Wolfpack is most definitely in the house. Konnan tries to mix it up and manages to confuse the crowd. Konnan says Miami is his hometown - hey, I thought he was from Mexico! He LIED to me! Oh wait, I don't care. Luger talks. When was the last time we saw Luger with an EVIL GOATEE? Luger says that tonight's main event should pose a dilemma for Bret Hart, who's been making such a big deal about how tight he is with Sting - will he fight him? Nash says the Wolfpack has no leader despite the commentators' claims that he is the leader. They drew straws to see who was in WarGames for their side, and the winners were Sting, Luger and himself. This means Konnan can job to Lizmark at the pay-per-view (well, if there were any justice in the world. And there isn't.) In an AMAZING twist, Nash tells Diamond Dallas Page he has until next Monday to decide if he's going to join the Wolfpack (holy SHIT! They remembered! And it was only - TWELVE weeks ago that they asked Page to join! Do you think 13 weeks is enough time for Page to decide?) Nash gives a warning to Piper and the Warrior, for good measure.

Goldberg - shirt - buy - shirt. Grunt. It's new.

Tony Schiavone and J.J. DILLON are in the ring. Dillon's out in an unofficial capacity, and he'd like an off-the-record discussion in front of thousands in the arena and a TV audience of millions. He invites out ARN ANDERSON. The "We want Flair" chant fires up. Dillon says that when he took the position of Chairman of the Executive Committee, he promised to cut all his ties to any special interests, including the Horsemen. But he still watches videos of the Horsemen at home - make your own joke. He introduces a clip from - well, a damn long time ago - an interview from Arn Anderson when he was making his way into Mid-Atlantic. Names dropped in this clip are Dusty Rhodes, Ricky Steamboat, Magnum TA. Dillon says he brought Anderson in some fifteen years ago. He says as long as the Horsmen ride, WCW will be okay. He says that he saw Malenko, Benoit, and McMichael call on Anderson just as Anderson called on Dillon way back when, and he saw Anderson turn them down. And he calls out the remaining horsemen to talk to Arn just one more time. Wow! It's CHRIS BENOIT! I thought he was gone. And with him is MONGO. While they talk away from the mic, Dillon says to Tony that he thinks we're all watching a very special moment here - crowd once again chants "We want Flair." Reading Arn's lips, it seems like he's saying "I can't do it anymore, you know I can't..." and some other stuff. Then he tries to leave the ring, and Dillon stops him. "*I* need ya, where are you going?" Arn: "Why are you doing this to me?" "You know, I never ever thought I would say these words, in my life, when it came to you. Arn, I think you're afraid of all this." Crowd boos, and Arn leaves the ring. Tony: "It's over. It is over. Fans, we'll be back." Dare I even THINK that they've finally gotten Flair back?

Hour Two FIREWORKS! and TV-PG-DV box - 5 minutes to the hour but what they hey - there's no competition tonight. Goldberg later tonight! And a big tag team main event!

The Treacherous Three talk about Arn turning down J.J. Dillon. Larry: "You know Tony, there's something inside Arn Anderson that he cannot say, or can't bring himself to say..." but he's not sure what it is. I say it's Flair. No, I'm kidding. In an amazing segueway, they turn to Eddie Guerrero and his current situation. Let Us Take You Back to two weeks ago where Eddie spouts off (check the transcript in the archives) but fails to use profanity. Tony mentions that Eric has thrown coffee on Eddie before. Larry says Eric is holding Eddie to a number-of-dates worked clause and that's why we're seeing Eddie being forced to compete tonight. And with that...

BRIAN ADAMS (It's only love...and that's all, with Vincenzo) v. EDDIE GUERRERO - just for kicks, the lights flicker as Adams enters the ring, and we see the Batsignal again. And there's Warrior! In the rafters! A shadowy, moody figure of vengence! Just, nuts. Eddie's music plays and out he comes, trying very hard to avoid eye contact with the camera. His hair is back to the dry look - a good move. He sits on the turnbuckle a la Jeff Jarrett while referee "Blind" Charles Robinson encourages Guerreo to stop being so difficult. The bell rings - and Guerrero LAYS DOWN. Adams refuses to pin Eddie. Robinson starts to count out Guerrero but Adams stops him. Eddie climbs to his knees and points to his chin. Adams cocks back, and Eddie covers up. Then Eddie lies down again. Hey, he'll get the loser's end of the purse if he pursues this course of action! "Eddie" chant is brief. Adams finally throws Eddie into the corner and punches away. Eddie doesn't fight back - he just covers up. Adams points to his OWN chin - Eddie thinks about punching for a fraction of a second but doesn't. Adams throws Eddie by his hair into the center of the ring, where he lays down again. Adams is perplexed. Listen to Tony here just for grins: "If nothing else, Brian Adams, who is Mr. Offense, we know, is off a step, and that combined with the very mysterious appearance of the Warrior once again -" Adams steps on him and reminds us he used to be in the Nation by giving the "power to the people" sign as the pin is counted. (2:25) "Bischoff, you may have the pen - you may have the power. But I'm not going to give you the opportunity to sue me, like you have other people in this company." His mic is cut off just as he sounds like he might start to swear. And we go to commercial. Now THIS is the way to do it, yeah! Of course, we can gather two things from this interview. (1) Eddie Guerrero has re-signed, and (2) allusions to Flair must mean Flair has re-signed. Hmmm...

WCW this week comes to Tupelo and Biloxi! Even better, tickets go on sale soon for Florence, Indianapolis for THUNDER! and Phoenix for Nitro!

Let Us Take You Back to last week's THUNDER! where The Cat starts doing bad things, not the least of which is destroy Disco Inferno and then expound of the differences between a wrestler and a World Karate Champion.

THE CAT v. RIGGS (with his tongue) - Riggs is a Wrestler, and Ernest Miller is a World Karate Champion(tm), but Riggs does pretty good to start. Nice dropkick, nice pescado after Miller goes outside. Back in he's thrown, as Riggs comes back in, Miller pokes him in his eye. Superkick from the Cat. Foot on the throat while grabbing the ropes - hey, that's not legal! Another big kick. Crowd is visibly bored. Miller puts on the bad mouth and does some more stompin'. Riggs tries a punch but Miller blocks and there's another kick. Cover for 2 but he pulls away (doing his Norton impersonation there). Whip into the corner, another kick. 1, 2, 3. (3:28) I believe this is currently the longest match of the night. "Cut the music! Turn the music off! If you people would SHUT up for a minute, I've got something to say. Hey! Don't hate me because I'm beautful! But listen here! In this ring right now, you see a Wrestler, and you see a Karate Champion - a three time World Karate Champion. Hey fat boy, sit down. And don't you people know? I'm the greatest! I'm the real deal! You don't have anybody here that can stop me!" I bet Goldberg could take him in about thirty seconds, whoops, sorry.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Can they were any MORE glitter?

Cut to Wapakoneta, where they must have shipped HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN off with Okerlund. Another dismal Nitro party segment.

Fall Brawl and WARGAMES come to you 13 September!

The WCW Power Plant is the ... you know, every time I hear this ad I wish I were hearing La Parka's music because a La Parka match was coming up, and not because they're hyping the Power Plant.

Closed captioning sponsored by JOLLY TIME POPCORN! HAVE A JOLLY TIME!

Bobby Heenan takes his place in the third seat.

KONNAN v. MARTYR JANNETTY - What the hell is Jannetty wearing? What the hell did he do to his hair? How come he's using "Match Game" music for his theme? I *believe* this is the first Jannetty match since his redebut that WCW's "open door policy" hasn't been mentioned. Lockup, Jannetty with an armdrag. Reversal, to the corner, whip out, reversal, Konnan leapfrogs over, somersaults, Mexican arm drag by Konnan. CLothesline and Jannetty goes down. Jannetty leaves the ring. Back in and GOD those tutti-fruitti tights are something. Konnan with his seated dropkick. Arm drag, to a cradle, 1 count. Some sore of submission hold. Crowd is doing the "hey, I'm on TV bit!" Out of the hold, whip, duck, slide under, kick from Jannetty, whip, go behind, they're literally moving at half speed. Kick from Jannetty. Punch from Jannetty. Head into the corner. Whip into the ropes, elbow to the head and Konnan goes down. 1, 2, no. Snapmare into a headlock. Commentators are talking about WarGames, of course. Konnan gets up and counters with a Russian leg sweep. Jannetty springs up and punches away in the head. Nice standing dropkick from Jannetty. 1, 2, Konnan grabs the rope. Heenan says Jannetty is "looking the best I've seen him." Stompin'. Into the corner, whip out, reversal but Konnan eats an elbow. Jannetty poses and the crowd boos. Fistdrop by Jannetty. Jannetty turns to referee "Blind" Billy Silverman, apparently for grins. Snapmare back into the headlock. Crowd goes mild! Konnan is up on his feet and elbows out. Coming off the ropes, knee to the gut by Jannetty. Snapmare. Knee to the shoulder. Back to the headlock. I admire the effort, but this match ain't workin' for me. Jannetty's been in control like four minutes, and you KNOW he'll lose. Konnan elbows out after standing up. Jannetty with a clothesline for 2. Crowd is busy staring at a pretty girl off camera. Into the corner, Jannetty with a right. Kick. Punches in bunches. Silverman backs off Jannetty. Jannetty drapes his neck on the top rope and gives a hot shot by leaping to the floor. Punch for 2. To the corner, Konnan reverses, but Jannetty moves out of the way and Konnan hits the corner hard. Top rope cross body for 2 by Jannetty! He's been in control SIX minutes! Snap suplex by Jannetty, another fistdrop for 2. Shouldn't this have been a ten minute draw by now? Har, har. Whip, reverse, leapfrog, Konnan with a kick to the gut and a faceslam. Tequila Sunrise from nowhere. Oh, there's the bell. How LAME. (9:06) Let me see here, Jannety hits about twenty offensive moves, Konnan hits about two, but Konnan says "bowdy bowdy" so he gets the win. may I please repeat: How LAME. The replay is sponsored by 1-800-COLLECT.

SATURN & LODI (with Raven & Kanyon) v. HIGH VOLTAGE - Lodi's sign says "HEY NOW" while the sign Saturn is forced to carry says "I'M WITH LODI." Raven gets the mic. "Lodi, tell Saturn that tonight he is not to put his hands on either me or Kanyon." "Hey Saturn, tonight, you can't touch Raven, and you can't touch Kanyon." "Kanyon, break 'im." "So you've got PRIDE and INTEGRITY and Raven and I don't. (whiny) Pride and integrity...pride and integrity. Where did you earn your pride and integrity? From your military training? From your army training, sir? Kanyon's calling you out!" and he says "Hit me" about a MILLION times. He also slips in a Jack Nicholson impersonation from "A Few Good Men." Raven plays the whiny bully as well in saying "pride ... and integrity!" But Saturn's a man of his word, and doesn't waffle Raven and Kanyon. Anybody else find something a little ... funny ... about this whole set up? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Raven and Kanyon exit as High Voltage enter. "I'll start - I would like to win." "Nononononono! *I'M* starting!" Lockup, Rage powers Lodi away. Saturn convinces Lodi to do something, so he runs into a shouldblock and falls back into the corner, where he demands Saturn tag in. Shoulderblock by Rage, who is also into the pec flex. Was Saturn this bald before? He runs at Rage again and there's a gorilla slam. Nose-to-nose and he dares Rage to run at HIM. And there's a lariat, there's a back body drop and Lodi demands a tag. Unfortunately he gives Rage a chance to tag in Kaos in the meantime, so Lodi tags Saturn back in. Kaos takes it to Saturn until going into the corner, where he runs into a boot. Big chops (woooo!) and kicks. Headlock, off the ropes tag to Rage. Rage catches him as if to powerbomb him but flips him over his shoulder for a cool slam. 1, 2, no. Drop toehold by Rage and Kaos hits a guillotine legdrop for 2. Saturn manages a belly-to-belly - Rage comes in and gets slammed. Kaos manages to put him down after the distraction. To the corner, tag to Rage. Running slam to the turnbuckle and he drops him. "Lodi sucks" chant. Rage with a half crab while Kaos comes in with ANOTHER guillotine legdrop. Double team moves are cool. Unfortunately, Kaos ends up clotheslining his own partner after Saturn ducks. Saturn with the superkick on Kaos and the Spicolli Driver on Rage. Now Lodi wants the tag. Saturn complies and tags. Lodi covers for the pinfall (5:15). Heenan says "Your winner: Lodi!" several times until Tony gets really bummed.

THUNDER! ad - it's on Thursday this week.

Goldberg shirt ad. Buy the shirt!

Tony Schiavone brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. You know I *hope* he says "Hollywood 'SCUM' Hogan" tonight! I hope he joins the Wolfpack so he can stop walking through the crowd to get to the ring. He calls Schiavone "T-Bone." Huh? Page waxes about Little League to kill some time. He says Hollywood "Scum" Hogan not once but twice. He adds an "I don't think so" but doesn't manage a "Self High-Five" nor a "Good Gawd." Then he brings out ROWDY RODDY PIPER to make some pink noise. Piper does an awful lot of talking about Bret Hart for some reason. After a lot of ranting to Hart about being a man or something, out comes GIANT to mess up both guys, which he manages to do single-handedly. Doug Dillinger and the motley crew come out and put him in cuffs (hmm, didn't they not fit pack during the illegal powerbomb angle?) and take him away, for - for - WHY did they cuff him and take him away?

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Total Hair Fitness for Men, Compu$erve, and Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops.

It's TV-PG-DV the third hour FIREWORKS!

Tony says that tonight will be the first time ever Hogan & Hart are teaming up. Didn't they team up on a THUNDER! a while back?

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER and DR. CECIL SCHWARTZ come out to kill some time. Tony says he's not going to be fooled this week, by golly. Good for you, Tone. Steiner grabs the mic from ring annoucer David "Cameo" Penzer and runs him out of the ring. This week's bit of fun is a second doctor, from Jamaica, highly recommended by "Right on!" DR. JUJU JUBANGI (your spelling guess is as good as mine) is of course played by BUFF BAGWELL. The funny thing is that when Tony is FINALLY not fooled, the other two STILL make fun of him. Tony: "He's Buff Bagwell - am I the only one that realises this? Did you realise that Brain, that's Buff Bagwell." Bobby: (shocked) "YOU'RE KIDDING!" Tony: "Good scoop, Tony." Buff's Jamaican accent fades in and out - the fun they have here is that the doc "heals" Scotty's arm by throwing powder (over the wrong shoulder, yet!) and making mystic hand movements. Crowd, bored out of their mind, chant "bullshit." Thanks to Jamaica, he's healed. Okay. Scotty talks about Rick and drops a bunch of inside jokes no one could possibly ever get, and finally we're spared from any more of this nonsense because RICK STEINER is actually here and he runs 'em off. Rick promises that on the thirteenth he "WILL kick your ass!" Damn, he said "ass!" That's a fine and a suspension RIGHT THERE! To put the cap on this whole surreal segment, the lights dim and we get another shot of Warrior standing high above the fray, silent, a shadowy figure of good...or is it evil?

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321!

NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA v. EVAN KARAGIAS (no entrace) for the WCW Cruiserweight Champion - I kid you not, that's how they spelled his name this week. Lockup, nothing. Lockup, side headlock by Juvi, reverse to another side headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock has a delayed reaction as Karagias forgets to fall. They have a heart-to-heart, and there's a slap. Ah, who cares. Crowd is fired up about some pretty girls in the audience and isn't paying attention. I think they know da Juice ain't losin' da belt tonight. Commentators talk about WarGames instead of the match. The guys in the truck do a valiant job of using every camera shot that doesn't have the crowd not looking at the match - whoops, spoke to soon. Now crowd is booing because she didn't show her tits. Well, I'm guessing. This reminds me of Halloween Havoc '92 where NOBODY in the arena watched the match. Crowd is chanting "Goldberg" but it sounds an awful lot like "Boring." Crowd has found another cute chick and has managed a loud "Take it off" chant. Heenan is making fun of a sign in the crowd, for crying out loud. Crowd is booing randomly again. There is a match going on, but I'm not paying attention either, which is sad, because usually these Cruiserweight matches are all that's worth watching. Merciful ending with is a Juvi Driver for the pin. (9:32) Juvi looks generally pissed that not a damn person watched his match, me included. I think I have already said that.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Send in your Nitro Party tapes! Das foam goen straight toyer brain yah!

Back to Wapakoneta - Gene O. interviews a PE teacher. They LAUGHED at the Media Club when they edited the tape and sent it in! They LAUGHED! But who's laughint now? The cheerleaders and Nitro Girls do a routine, but we don't see it because we need to have an ad break. Not that I'm really torn up about missing more of the LIVE NITRO PARTY!

I really don't think I can make it to the end of the show. I can't go on.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. DISCO INFERNO for the WCW World Television Title - well, maybe one more match. Jericho quotes the opening line of Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages" to open his interview (see, I don't need a hundred emails THIS week! Ha! I'm rediscovering the 80's all over again!) Lockup, Jericho with a side headlock, Disco powers out but Jericho hits a shoulderblock and he goes down. Swinging neckbreaker by Disco for 2. Jericho's head meets the turnbuckle. Lotsa kicks by Disco. Jericho fires back. This week's rewriting of history is Tony saying Disco's two title reigns were "great." ('cause see, we forgot Jacqueline ever...well, never mind). We pick up after Jericho's "arrogant cover" fails. A Lionsault meets the knees. Disco gets up and hits an inverted atomic drop. Jericho bounces into the corner and eats a lariat coming out. 1, 2, no. Jericho ducks but there's a spinebuster for 2. It's all Disco! Jericho flips and hits a belly-to-back suplex for 2. Jericho picks up Disco and slaps him. Whip, go-behind, kick to the gut. Chartbuster?!? I thought that move was banned - or Disciple-only, or something. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Jericho drops Disco and puts on the Liontamer. Disco is CLOSE to the ropes...Jericho pulls him back to the center of the ring. Disco taps out. (3:16 - hmmm) Why couldn't THIS match go ten minutes instead of that other one? Am I REALLY asking that much?

I glimpsed a "3 Ninjas" video release ad during this break - Hulk Hogan, on the cover, is not mentioned at all.

Goldberg shirt ad x 3.

KEVIN NASH has appeared and appropriates Mike Tenay's headset, learning that Goldberg's match is up, he's gonna do a little analysis commentary stuff yeah. Tony asks him if there's any animosity between him and Goldberg - Nash says it doesn't matter, he would like that title shot though. Tony sucks up to Nash because EVERYBODY loves the Wolfpack.

(bill "140-0") GOLDBERG v. #1 CONTENDER AL GREEN (Let's Stay Together) for the WCW Heavyweight Title - Nash says that Green is his original tag team partner, which would make him...Master Blaster Blade? That's too obscure even for me. Somehow Tony remembers this - I won't EVEN go there. Green attacks just before the bell and has his way but his moves have no effect on Goldberg. Goldberg throws him across the ring, then hits a kick. Forearm shiver, back body drop. Powerslam. He sets up for the spear, but Green leaves the ring. Goldberg is out and following. Green tries to run him into the post, but no go. Goldberg runs Green into the post instead. Back in the ring, Green throws everything he's got at Goldberg but nothign has an effect. Goldberg throws him over his shoulder. Here's the spear. Here's the jackhammer. 1, 2, 3. (entrance 2:36, match 2:20) You know what's REALLY interesting about Nash's commentary? He didn't say "Scott Hall" ONCE!

Fall Brawl and WarGames - 13 September!

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to kill some more time. Are you ready? Hogan and Hart come out to the NWO theme, accompanied by that biker dude. Tony said something about being amazed by the way Hogan looks when he takes his shirt off, but he snuck it in right before the ad break so you may not have heard it.

There's that Ninja ad again...

I suppose if we're REALLY lucky, there'll be another ad break after the Wolfpack come out. Sting pats Luger on the butt - what's up with that? Michael Buffer lets me down by saying "Torture Rack" without "of Doom" after it.

YOU KNOW WHO & BRET HART (with the Booty Disciple) vs. (THIS IS) MUTA & THE NARCISSIST - I need to get Bret Hart a funny name so he'll fit in here. Your referee is Nick Patrick. Hart and Luger start. Big ol' "Hogan sucks" chant. Lockup, Luger with a big side headlock. Hart powers out, big shoulder block, big "lion roaring" pose. Hart looked at Sting! what? Big lockup, Hart with a knee to the gut and some general pounding and kicking. Foot on the throat. Another kick. Hart with a throat chop. To the corner, no, Luger blocks and now it's big punches and big kicks to Hart in the corner. Another big pose. Tag to Sting - will Sting and Hart fight? Hart wrenches loose and tags Hogan, who wasn't looking. Hogan looks annoyed, and Hart has his back turned. Hogan slowly enters the ring. Pacing. Lockup, to the corner - but Patrick is involved with Luger so Hogan takes his knee to the gut, punches, rake of the face on the top rope. Sting ducks the lariat and fires back with punches. More punches, kicks, chops. The ten punch count along is embellished with Sting removing the 'do-rag. Hogan wanders over to Luger who eats a big punch. Tag to Luger. Big kick to the gut. Big punch. Big punch. Big whip into the corner but he runs into the boot. Lariat by Hogan! Rake of the back - Hart reaching for the tag but Hogan's not looking his way. Right from Hogan. Choke in the corner while shouting "Tell 'em who the man is!" Tag to Hart who continues the attack. To a neutral corner and Hart steps on the throat. "I can't hear you!" is said to Patrick while he puts on the five count. Rake of the face on the top rope. Furious attack by Hart. "Get up!" Side Russian legsweep! Hart is "Mr. Offense," sayeth Tony - I thought Brian Adams was Mr. Offense. Oh well. To his own corner - while Hogan holds him from behind, Hart is choking away - this brings in Sting, so Patrick can get distracted and Hogan can attack behind the ref's back. Switch but no tag, Hogan kicks Luger in the stomach some more. Rake of the face, lotsa punching and the "Hogan sucks" chant is back on. Another switch behind Patrick's back - headbutt to the lower ab region - heh heh. Hart continues knocking down Luger. Legdrop by Hart. 1, 2, shoulder up. Hart argues the count. Luger is deadweight. Dueling suplex attempts - Luger wins, so it's a big suplex. Both men looking for the tag - Hart with an elbow. Back up, hard right by Hart. To the neutral corner and Hart is still punching away. Whip, big duck, double clothesline and both men are down. Tag to Hogan. Hot tag to Sting! Hogan begs off. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Punches by Sting. He's a house afire! Stinger splash! Disciple moves Hogan away on the second attempt and Sting eats the turnbuckle. Hogan's stomping away - now he's got his belt and he's whuppin' Sting with it. Now Hart is in and he's grabbed the belt. He threw the belt down and said "forget about this" and ... walked away! Hogan is out to follow. There's a discussion - Hart is saying "You gave me your word!" - the bell rings and Hart & Hogan are counted out! (11:19) Hart and Hogan continue the discussion in the ring while the Wolfpackers take off. Some of that eerie smoke is filling the ring, though - whoa, Hart and Hogan are shoving! Here's BRIAN ADAMS, here's SCOTT NORTON, here's STEVIE RAY and here's VINCENZO. And now here's a whole bunch more smoke - the lights are off. Weird lighting. There's MR. DESTRUCITY. Everybody in the ring has been laid out (I don't see Hart). "Hogan! You can get up! We can smell your fear!" Hogan runs away. Warrior pounds his chest. Show's over, folks. Anything less would be uncivilised.

Interesting thing here: WCW has apparently finally gotten a hold of, because that's the URL in the closing credits now. It used to be - well, I forgot, but it wasn't them for sure yeah.

Who cares, you say? Well, you're right. See you next week!

[slash] wrestling



Copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications