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/7 September 1998

WCW Nitro




We start with the "you are there" perspective of a running cameraman (Closed captioned and rated TV-PG-DV) - running all the way to Hollywood Hogan's dressing room - which has some graffiti - Warrior's facepaint logo (complete with "OWN" logo!) - Hogan, Bischoff, Giant and Disciple run to the exit, where Vincent greets them and an ambulance drives away. Now they're all powerwalking to the ring. It must be noted that a fan has confetti. They're looking for Warrior, okay - nope, he's not under the ring. Bischoff: "Where are you Warrior? You gutless piece of garbage!" Hogan talks some more - he even says the word "damn!" Apparently, Brian Adams and Scott Norton were in the ambulance (translation: they got the night off). Hogan, in an apparently unrelated twist, pulls Bret Hart from his WarGames team and replaces him with Giant. Hogan goes back to Warrior and says that he can't get through Disciple and Giant and thus, through him. Tony: "I'll tell you where the Warrior is - he's everywhere!" Except on my TV screen, ha! "What a way to begin Monday Nitro LIVE!"

Opening credits.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline!

WCW Monday Nitro comes to you LIVE Labour Day 1998 from Pensa Diet Cola, Florida. It's the three year anniversary of Nitro!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. And if you've been watching for the past three years, you probably have an idea which topic they jump all over with their commentary.

KONNAN v. BULL PAIN (no entrance) - Oh, so it's going to be like THIS now, is it? Larry brings up the fact that last year about this time was that excellent NWO parody of the Four Horsemen - well, *Larry* doesn't call it excellent, but dammit, it was the funniest thing I ever seen on that big screen. I wonder if we'll see clips from it tonight? This is actually a typical Konnan match, which means Pain hits about a thousand offensive moves, then Konnan pulls the Tequila Sunrise out of his ass for the win. (2:50)

The Treacherous Three tell us the Warrior is everywhere...although we haven't seen him yet. Larry turns in his chair ever so slightly, which cues the "Larry" chant. Later tonight, a gigantic cage match between Hennig and Malenko!

Let Us Take You Back to last week, where Hogan reminded us that Bret Hart would be part of team Hollywood, Piper gives a rousing speech encouraging Hart to stand up like a man, Hogan whips Sting with his weight belt and Hart takes it away. Well, NOW we see where they're going with Hart...right? Right? No? Well, maybe they'll beat us over the head with it the rest of the night. For an encore, they show smoke filling the ring and NWO people falling to the ground - what was IN that smoke, anyway? You can smell Hogan's fear...well, smells like SOMETHING out there anyway.

Gene Okerlund is out with J.J. DILLON - can Hogan replace Hart with the Giant? Dillon says "Naah." Apparently, they signed a contract or something. This can only mean one thing - it must be settled - IN THE PEOPLE'S COURT!

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!

RAW is WAR hits the San Jose Arena 14 September!

Buy a Goldberg shirt!

Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who says "Yo no soy marinero / yo no soy marinero / soy capitan, soy capitan." Okay, maybe he doesn't. To be honest, I really didn't listen. Gene FINALLY asks the question we've been wondering about 13 weeks - will he join the damn Wolfpack or not? Page says 'Hollywood "Scum"' so the crowd can say Hogan. Page says two years ago when Hall and Nash asked him to join the NWO, he answered with the Diamond sign. Today, there's two NWO's and last week Nash gave him an ultimatum, and he (Page) doesn't like to be threatened. And he still doesn't trust him. So out comes KEVIN NASH to try to make a storyline out of this. Once again the confetti falls and no one says anything about it. "First off, I'd like to thank you for the history's real simple. You've been asked to be part of the elitist (?) group in wrestling history. Next Sunday, it's WarGames, and it's real simple, Page - if you're not in my foxhole, if you're not with the Wolfpack, buddy, you're in our sights. Now I don't know where the hell you get off saying you can't trust me." "History, and I don't see how Lex or Sting can trust you either." So out come (THIS IS) STING and THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE. Does anybody see where this is going? Wolfpack are *faces*, for crying out loud. Page is gonna cross them? Page: "Whatever." Whatever, indeed, Dallas. Luger takes the mic and tells Page that a couple MONTHS ago he asked Page to join. When Nash asked him, his WCW ties were as strong as anybody's, but he came on board. When Sting was asked, he came on board. Page was out Karl Malone'in' it, out Jay Leno'in it, and not answering them. Where does he stand, dammit? "Let me ask you a question, Lex. You know what the WarGames is all about this year - are you trying to tell me ... that you don't think Nash would powerbomb - jackknife - you - or you - in a heartbeat?" Sting: "Let me just clear that one little thing up right now. Big Sexy has already powerbombed me once already - probably twice. So there's no problem there. Lots of trust here, lots of trust here, K-Dog's on the same page as we are. Now I never had a problem with you, but I think about all the times I bailed you out, Page." What is it with all this continuity? Anyway, Sting challenges Page to get Piper and take on two of the Wolfpack. Page complies, and asks Nash to be part of that tag team so he can feel the bang. WAIT A MINUTE! Page didn't answer the question! PAGE DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION! I usually don't swear this early in the report, but - oh, forget it.

Lee Marshall narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report - THUNDER! visits Lexington this week!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Motel 6 7/8, America Online (slogan: "We're not WebTV!"), Lean Pockets, Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops (now with stick!)

Gene O. continues the cavalcade of interviews by calling out RODDY PIPER, who will always be the icon, but I ain't listening to him. He's also the interim commissioner - how long's that been, about a year? But maybe I'm just being too hard on WCW. Piper says Page can't speak for him - "you say you don't like ultimatums, and then you put me in a match tonight?" Piper goes on to give an ad for WarGames. He doesn't trust Page, we find out. Piper says he isn't on anybody's team - he on his own team. Piper goes on to say he'll tag with Page tonight (huh?) but all bets are off at WarGames - 'cause it'll be every man for himself. Piper fails to include a Pensacola reference to wake the crowd up.

Let's Take a Very Special Look At the Nitro Girls - because they NEED their own video. Now THIS is a time killer.

LENNY LANE (without Ab Solution) v. WRATH (OF KAHN) (without James van den Berg) - Wrath is trying to keep his arms from rising into the Adam Bomb pose. If you're looking for play-by-play, may I *please* remind you that I'm on holiday and Lane is like 1-21 this year, and WCW is dogging it so why can't I? Meltdown. (2:30 or so) Then Wrath throws footballs into the crowd. The Castrol Torture Test of the week is not only the replay, it's a description of me having to put up with this show.

Vincenzo takes us (and Hogan and Bischoff) back to a dressing room, which has been graffiti'd with the Warrior face logo (complete with "OWN"), and has the Disciple is hanging from the ceiling by his ankles. I will NOT make a sick sex joke here, I won't, I won't, I won't...

BRET HART comes out (no music) - stop sending me nicknames for him, thank you. The NWO theme plays, and here's VINCENZO, STEVIE RAY, and CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE (without Rick Rude). White confetti falls...I'm now convinced it's just some fan throwing it 'cause it's never mentioned, and it appears to be a local phenomenon. Before anybody talks, here's (THIS IS) STING with a baseball bat. The black and white scatter. Hart lifts a hand for the high five, but Sting pushes him away with the bat. Then he hands him the bat and turns his back. This seems familiar, somehow. Hart drops the bat and offers his hand, but Sting's already left the ring. Hey, a no word interview segment - WCW are the INNOVATORS!

So is this a really complex angle, or a really crappy one? Both? Thank you. Of course, on the bright side, it may mean somebody's FINALLY figured out a course of action - until they change their mind again. Aww, I'm just too HARD on WCW.

It's 2056 so that must mean it's TV-PG-DV time for the second big hour of Nitro and some FIREWORKS!

Tony asks what just happened. Me too, Tone.

Let's Take a Special Look at Rick Steiner. He's really, really, really disappointed in his brother.

EVAN KARAGIAS v. - SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER comes out and decides that he'll be the opponent, 'cause he's so annoyed with the fact the we just Took a Special Look at Rick Steiner. To add to the mirth and merriment, BUFF BAGWELL takes Tenay's headset and provides his unique commentaristic stylings. Steiner gives an interview, in which he promises that he'll prove he's the <adjective>er Steiner brother. We never DO find out who Karagias' opponent was - Steiner says he laid him out but that's all we find out. Bagwell is pretty funny, but he's constantly being interrupted by Zbyszko. Steiner Recliner is the finisher (1:45). He thinks about waffling referee "Blind" Nick Patrick but demurs. Well, I suppose I should count my blessings that we didn't see Dr. Cecil Schwartz. I don't know.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! This would be the perfect segueway to a Nitro Party Video from the Albuquerque YMCA! Those people have been drinking Mug root beer and THE FOAM'S GONE STRAIGHT TO THEIR BRAIN! (Tony nailed the slogan this time, for those of you keeping score.)

WCW tickets go on sale Friday for Charleston, Savannah, Columbia for Nitro, Huntsville, Chicago for Nitro, and Albuquerque for THUNDER!

HECTOR GARZA v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA for the WCW World Cruiserweight Championship - Garza is back from knee surgery, because he's done too many corkscrew planchas. Commentators say "corkscrew plancha" about a MILLION times. Headlock and Garza knocks him down. Leapfrog, leapfrog, quick series of moves and countermoves ends with a Guerrera flying head scissors. Garza back with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Chops (woooo!), Another tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Garza. IV Horsemen parody is brought up again. Come to think of it, they CAN'T show it - Syxx was in it. Guerrera with a kick and Garza is out, so now it's time for a plancha from the top turnbuckle to the floor from Guerrera. Back in the ring - Guerrera with a - jump into a Garza dropkick. Garza with the 2 count. Whip, powerbomb by Garza for 2. Boston Crab into a rocking horse (?!) - Guerrera reverses into a Sunset flip for 2. Lariat by Garza for 2 (c'mon, I saw Garza let him up!) La Majistral by Garza for 2. Garza with a double underhook, forcing Guerrera's head into his groin - Guerrera doesn't submit, in fact he seems to like it - no, sorry. Garza is still in control of this match. Here's a dropkick to the back. Whip, reverse, Juvi goes over but lands on the apron, throws him down by the hair - missile dropkick off the top turnbuckle - 1, 2, no. Guerrera with some rights. Sets him up on the top - huracanrana? Garza stops him and drops him powerbomb style. ANOTHER powerbomb! 1, 2, no! Garza argues the count with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Bodyslam by Garza - second rope springboard moonsault misses (Hey Tenay, what's a "que brada"? And how do you spell it?) Juvi driver from nowhere for the win. (6:50)

Gene O. brings out CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE - Hennig talks some smack about Arn Anderson in light of last week's events. Rude chimes in as well. Hennig calls Dean Malenko a "Horsemen wannabe" and promises that after tonight, the whole world is going to know that he's nothing but a horse's ask Rick Rude about it. Funny line. Hennig brushes some "dandruff" off Gene's shoulders. Hennig's become the man in one interview!

The WCW Power Plant is the

Closed captioning (where available) is brought to you by the Money $tore.

THE CAT (he's the Greatest) v. KENNY KAOS - when the hell did Kaos get a first name? What's Rage's first name, Randy? I forget. Now that the Cat is a heel, can he once again be friends with Glacier? The Cat is a three-time World Karate Champion, by the way. Kaos manages the LAMEST submission hold I've ever seen, but that's about it. Kick, pin. (3:07) "Cut the music! Man, I'm so damn good! In this ring right now you see two people - you see a WCW wrestler and you see a three-time world karate champion. I've got to be the greatest. I don't know how to lose! Somebody stop me please! Now WCW if you've got anybody in the locker room to stop me, bring 'em out here right now. ... I thought so! You people make me sick!" Hey, I bet Meng could take him.

You'll notice I made it through that entire last paragraph without making the obvious South Park reference.

Goldberg shirt ad x 2.

Bobby Heenan joins the broadcast team just in time for the life-altering, must-see match of 1998...

GENTLEMAN CHRIS ADAMS v. STEVIE RAY (with Vincenzo) - damn, did Ray make those tights himself or what? (Would you want "SLAP JACK" printed on YOUR rump?) I think that fan ran out of white confetti. Tony: "You never know what's gonna happen here." Let me try to guess: Stevie Ray will win with the slapjack. Oh look, I'm right. (3:54)

It's another Nitro Girls video! Kimberly, Spice, Fyre (hey, they spelled it wrong), Tygress (another misspelling), AC Jazz, Chae, Whisper - ask yourself: what do they have in common with adult film actresses? That's right - fake names!

RIGGS (with his tongue) v. KANYON (with Raven, Lodi and Saturn) - Hey, aren't these guys allies now? Saturn's sign: "Lodi could hit 62" Raven: "Oh look! It's Perry Saturn! The man who wants to set the Flock free! The hero of the masses! The saviour of the downtrodden! Well Saturn, with age comes maturity and with maturity comes power, and unfortunately for you, you don't have the power to beat me at Fall Brawl - so to prepare you for your years of subservience ahead - Lodi - tell Saturn that tonight, instead of Kanyon facing Riggs, it'll be Saturn - so instead of getting to set him free, you'll get to hurt him. Tell him, Lodi" And of course, he does, because it's all about honor, or something. Raven gives running commentary during the match. Raven tells Lodi to tell Saturn to fight back, and Lodi is damn funny carrying that out. Lodi's sign "Football fears Lodi" and "John-Boy & Billy: Duh-huh" - huh? Saturn manages a superkick after about two minutes of taking a beating. Suplex, kick to the head, knees to the head. Raven: "You gonna set him free or are you gonna hurt him, Saturn?" Lodi's sign: "Go Wild Cats" Saturn throws Riggs out and faces Raven. Raven: "Come on Riggs, put up a fight! Get up! Get up, Riggs!" Tony proclaims this "another bizarre fight." Riggs is dead weight now. Saturn turns and gives another steely glare to Raven. And now it's finally the Spicolli Driver. I wonder if Raven will tell Lodi to - no, actual pin by Saturn. (4:27) "What's stronger, Saturn, your honor or your humanity? Lodi, tell him to break Riggs' fingers." Saturn demurs. "There's no honor in me breakin' this kid's fingers!" Raven: "Okay, I'll give you a choice - you break Riggs' fingers or I'll break yours." I don't know if Saturn actually goes along with this - but Kanyon and Raven take matters into their own hands - well, so to speak. Saturn pushes away Trainer Eddie Young, causing Tenay to gush: "What a man!"

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Call for Nitro Party tapes. Tony nails the slogan again - I think he'll be all right.

It's now 2155 which means it's time for the TV-PG-DV THIRD HOUR of Nitro FIREWORKS! Warriorwarriorwarriorwarriorwarriorwarrior

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. JIM ("yeahbaby! yeahbaby! Dammit, they spelled my name wrong AGAIN! yeahbaby!") NIEDHART for the WCW World Television Title - "Welcome to Monday Night Jericho! And ladies and gentlemen, I most definitely am the Walrus, goo goo ga joob! And I promise to never, EVER treat you Jerichoholics wrong just because I am better than all of you! Thank you!" I promise that if Niedhart wins the belt, I'll watch this match again and provide a blow-by-blow, otherwise I'm making a pizza. I think the Anvil didn't even know how to get into the Liontamer, much less sell it, so they kinda just rang the bell and it was over (4:41) - Anvil looked unhappy. Hey Anvil, you didn't have to WATCH this match, you don't KNOW unhappy.

Just when you think it's ad break time, EDDIE GUERRERO comes out in a "No pencil" T-shirt (pencil with international "no" sign over it) I didn't see everything on the back, but "FREE ME" and "RELEASE ME" were on it. "You know, Uncle Eric, there's nothing that I enjoy more than coming out and wrestling here in WCW, since you won't let me go and wrestle anywhere else. But you see, there's a bit of a problem, you see last week I hurt my back wrestling Brian Adams, and my doctor, he advised me not to do any wrestling until I have an MRI. You know, in my contract, Uncle Eric, it states that you're responsible for me if I get hurt in the ring, and see that's where we'd have to deal with lawyers and lawsuits, and stuff like that that we really don't wanna go into. So since I LIKE WORKING HERE in WCW so much, and since I really admire and respect you, Uncle Eric, 'cause you know, you are the man with the power and the pencil, I'm just gonna do us both a favour and give myself the night off."

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Total Hair Fitness, the Marino House of Mortgages, Compu$erve, Tootsie Candies.

Let's look at that cage, hanging high above the ring! Now slowly lowering...and now... You know, all this talk about the Horsemen and that parody that was performed last year - and how Arn Anderson had to suffer - does ANYONE think now would be a great time to drop the name "Ric Flair?"

CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE v. DEAN MALENKO - of course, we have to take an ad break right after Hennig & Rude's entrance.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS! Nitro makes you snicker at least *once* a week...

Hennig is IMMEDIATELY on Malenko as soon as he enters the cage. Malenko with a drop toe hold and a lot of rights. Now they're trading blows. Hennig takes him to the turnbuckle. Hennig tries to leave (?) and Malenko hits the back body drop. Big knee. Whip, Hennig with a kick to the gut. He climbs on the roof (huh?) so Malenko brings him back down. To the corner. Repeated forearms. To the corner, but Malenko goes through and may have hit the cage with his head. Hennig with punches. To the corner we go. Kick to the head. Elbow, chop (woooo!), and, trying to take his head to the cage, Malenko blocks and elbows. Axehandle from Hennig. Kick. He's stomping away. Hennig appears to be concentrating his attack on Malenko's right shoulder, kneedrop, kneedrop. Hennig bends the arm backwards, then uses the rope for leverage. Rude appears to be unscrewing seomthing outside the cage. Rude pushes the camera away after realising he's been caught. Hennig continues to drop the boot on Malenko's back. Chop (woooo!), whip, Malenko puts up the boot and gets him in the mush. Hennig comes back with the sledge. 1, 2, no. Hennig again tries to put Malenko's head in the cage, but Malenko blocks it with his forearm. Hennig with the ko punches and Malenko goes down. Hennig has an object (commentators totally missed it) and punched Malenko in the tricep. 1, 2, no. Hennig continues working on the arm. Hennig has the right arm bent back but no submission. Looks like they butted heads as Malenko came off the rope. Both men sow to get up. Malenko firint back. Chops (woooo!) and now right hands. Elbow to the head. Kick to the knees. Hennig with a kick to a questionable area to regain momentum. Again he tries to take Malenko's head to the cage but Malenko puts a foot up against the cage. Hennig again pulls back the arm and grabs Malenko's mouth to ventriolquise (is that a word?) "I give up." - Hennig is the MAN now that he's sober. Oh, sorry. 1, 2, no. Another near fall. Kneelift to the head. Code Red by Hennig! Malenko locks his fingers to counter. Chop by Hennig (woooo!), FINALLY Malenko runs into the cyclone fencing at the hands of Hennig. Uppercut. Malenko manages to catapult Hennig into the cage wall. Cloverleaf attempt - Gennig to the rope. Whip, reverse, as Hennig picks up Malenko for the slam referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson gets hit. Again Malenko manages a kick and Hennig hits the cage wall. Tejas Cloverleaf is on but here's CRACKA EAZY-E with a key, STEVIE RAY is also out. Rude takes out Malenko with repeated fistdrops. Dickerson comes to and asks for the bell. (DQ 12:16) Rude repeatedly runs Malenko headfirst into the cage walls. Hennig covers and Rude counts three but darn it, it doesn't count. Stevie gets his licks in as Rude holds Malenko. And now they're setting up Malenko's head to get slammed in the cage a la what's-his-name from last year's WarGames. But's ARN ANDERSON! Hennig and Rude go down to sledgehammer blows! Arn's in the cage! The shirt is off! He's taking it to Stevie Ray! Malenko and Anderson share a look - while the NWO guys stand outside the cage...

Wow. I'm almost willing to forego that total screwjob DQ. Seeing Arn take it to 'em was great. And now - I hope to GOD that they don't screw THIS up.

Let Us Take You back to Moments Ago - Anderson uses clubbing blows to take out Hennig and Rude. Shot of Anderson looking out to the crowd, where apparently everybody was showing four fingers.

#1 CONTENDER POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI v. (bill "140-0") GOLDBERG for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Excuse me, I believe my pizza is ready. (entrance 2:22, match :52)

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to kill some time. Hurry, only 16 minutes left in the show! Nash is NOT a member of the Wolfpack team, which kind of defeats the angle purpose, doesn't it? Buffer misidentifies (This Is) Sting as (He Is) Sting. Piper comes out alone. Buffer says Page is wearing "diamond blue and black." Okay. I'd like to see Page get lost walking through the crowd. I wonder if we'll have an ad break before this match starts. Page and Piper shoot dirty looks at each other.

(THIS IS) STING & THE NARCISSIST v. RODDY PIPER & DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Your referee is Mark Curtis. Piper and Page are arguing over who will start the match. Page ends up starting, along with Luger. Feeling out process. One minute has elapsed, with no moves. Lockup (finally!), beakup, Luger with the big "roaring lion" pose. Piper slaps Page and comes in and demolishes Luger, much to Page's chagrin. Piper munches on his face for good measure. To the turnbuckle, to the opposite turnbuckle, chop (woooo!) and Luger goes out. Piper follows. Luger's head meets the STEEL steps. Who are the fan favourites again? Piper yells out "WAR!" and tags Page. Page with a lot of elbows. Whip into the turnbuckles. Side suplex for 2. Another near fall for Page. Whip, big duck, big forearm shiver and Page goes down. Tag to Sting, crowd goes nuts. Gut shot, head to the canvas. Sting steps on the hand. Atomic drop, chops to the throat. Jumping DDT by Sting - yeah! Sting's the man! Whip into the ropes, big sidewalk slam but Page turns and Sting takes the brunt. 1, Luger breaks it up. Now all four men are in. Katie bar the door, it's a Pier Six brawl. Crowd stands, anticipating a run-in. Hey, they're right - here's KEVIN NASH, who posts Piper and then walks in the ring as Page takes out Sting (who sweared? I got muted stuff here). Jackknife (DQ 3:55). I guess that Page isn't joining the Wolfpack. NWO red shirt draped over Page and we take an ad break.

Wait a minute...there's like six minutes left in the show. What's left?

Buy a NWO Wolfpac T-shirt!

If Tony says "take a breath" just ONE more time...I'll...I'll...

The NWO music is playing - I *guess* that means our main event is an ... interview? YOU KNOW WHO & NO-SMOKIN' GIANT comes out. Hogan has a chair with him. Hey, perhaps this is one of those "ten second confrontations" I've heard so much about. Hypocrites. Hogan's been looking for Warrior all night. If he can handle the Giant...well, we've heard it earlier, I think. Hogan asks for the cage to be lowered and for Warrior to come out and "pass the ultimate test" - a cage match with Giant. The ring fills with eerie smoke - and Hogan develops a hacking cough. Hey, look! There's MR. DESTRUCITY in the cage, sitting on a chair! Giant, of course, is laying out. Warrior raises the roof, hand-symbollically speaking. Of course, BISCHOFF is out real quick like. Warrior removes his coat and drapes it over Giant. A chairshot for Hogan misses, Hogan gets one in on Warrior - but Warrior shakes the ropes - Hogan runs out and Bischoff and Hogan are chaning the door of the cage shut. Warrior kinda just watches - I guess he COULD have opened the cage door if he WANTED to... Warrior pumps his firsts, beats his chest - smoke fills the ring, and I'm guessing he'll be gone when the smoke clears. Of course, Bischoff and Hogan overact accordingly. See you next week!

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Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications