/16 November 1998
I GET LETTERS: All the way from Köln, in fact. Lars Bredehöft wrote:
I usually really enjoy your recaps of Raw and Nitro 'cause you're really cool doing the play-by-play and normally have a good portion of humor as well as irony and sarcasm added. Good job.
What I didn't like, no make that clear, what I consider a complete fuck-up is that "joke" you made about Alex Wright's "concentration (camp)". Yeah, Barry Horowitz is jewish and Alex is German but, guess what, that is definitely a topic far too serious to make jokes of. 6 million jewish people getting murdered in an organized mass massacre is certainly one of the most horrible things to have happened in this century or any other. There is no space anywhere near this kind of tragedy and I don't think anybody can even crack a smile when he knows the facts about what happened in Germany during the Nazi terror regime. Today, thankfully, is a different age and the vast majority of German citizens knows these truths and feel unbelievably sad and ashamed of what happend then. However, just because such horrible things happened it does not mean they will happen again. Today's Germans know about the past and are conscious of it; they must not be the subject of tasteless jokes because of their past.
I just had to get this off my mind 'cause it really bothers me, who was born some 30 years after the 2nd World War, that the holocaust is still one of the first things people think of when Germany is mentioned. In the meantime, the world has changed, we're allies and should be judged by the present, not the past, BUT: Nobody may forget the past and what happened. It must always be a warning for the future. And nobody should make sick jokes of it.
So now I'm your source of "untouchable" humour! Yeah! Well, I wrote him back and got this reply:
thanks for your response and your honesty. Judging by your mail I guess you actually do know what happened. And, on second thought, I guess you knew what an asshole you were being when adding "(oh shit)" in the report. That kinda makes it a bit more okay for me. However, I'd appreciate it if you were just as aware of American history, especially the parts about the slaughtering of Indians while the white immigrants moved westward and how much a part of today's American wealth is based on the slavery of the 18th and 19th century.
Yeah, Ernest Miller's countless (and successful) efforts to ruin good matches and waste valuable TV time are really a crusade against the dominance of white men in wrestling...right!
By the way, I'll continue to read your reports anyway. They're still the best on the web.
And as long as you know you're an asshole you're doing fine for me 'cause I can be one too and crack cynical jokes that people who don't know me well might feel opposed by. But please allow me to be critical when I (in my own biased opinion) feel it might be necessary. :-)
No exceptionally hard feelings here anymore.
So, there we go. I'm a fairly decent guy (for an asshole) in email, so if you ever have a REAL problem with anything I say, write me and, you know, I'll weasel my way out of it.
I may be a learned scholar (that's what the degree says anyway), but it still doesn't mean I can sneak in one REALLY offensive word in now and again. It's also important that, as an American, you realise that I've inherited certain attitudes that will really piss you off if you're not American (well, not usually, but SOMETIMES).
De gustibus non est disputandum, caveat emptor, carpe diem. I'm seeing, I'm coming, I'm leaving before you wake up.
I suppose I should once again mention that any and all email you send me has a chance of showing up in this column (unless you're that one guy who tries WAAAAY too hard to get me to put ANYTHING he writes in this column - it ain't happening, dude. Give it up.) and it's only about professional wrestling (usually) you know.
This week I was really confused to see, instead of the start of the show -
(billy) KIDMAN v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA for the World Cruiserweight Championship - no hello, no hype, no introductions, just in we go. No idea how long the match has been going on, no idea who's in command, or in control. TV-PG-DV box appears - I guess it *is* the beginning of the show. I feel like Admiral Stockdale. Where are we? Who am I? Will I do play-by-play? It's like we came back from an ad break, but this match must have started during ER or something. Winner of this match gets Rey Mysterio Jr. Sunday at World War 3. Actually, I found out that for some unknown reason they ran this match AGAIN later in the show so I'll do the review proper then. I have no idea why, or what, or ... well, they're not exactly starting out on a high note with me.
Opening credits - make that "six minutes after" credits
GLACIER v. KANYON - God dammit, they're in the middle of ANOTHER match - are they gonna do this all night? I'm starting to think that they had to censor something out of the East Coast version to punish West Coast viewers. Hey WCW, dig this: *I'M* your only viewer on the West Coast. Just show me the straight feed. This match is probably better than you and I thought it would be, but ends with a Flatliner to the pin, which is probably what you and I thought it would be. Kanyon does his Titanic shtick. (time unknown)
Nitro party features chocolate pudding wrestling. I've never thought that that would be unsexy, but for some reason, looking at this video, it was.
WCW/NWO Revenge for the Nintendo ad.
Let Us Take You Back One Week Ago To Hollywood Hogan Announcing His Candidacy For President. I don't know about you, but it just makes me SICK that this is the type of crap that the "mainstream" press will pick up and run with like there's no tomorrow. After that, we cut to Hogan's appearance on "Imus in the Morning" last Friday, which is given a slightly surreal editing job if you've had to hear Imus' point of view for the past few weeks (and let's face it, between 3am and 6am, I might as well watch MSNBC because I've already SEEN all those infomercials a million time - what do you MEAN people sleep during those hours?). Hogan was accompanied by Bischoff (who got a mic but no sound bites in this clip) and Bagwell and Steiner. Oh well.
SONNY ONOO v. EL GRINGO - Nobody knows who Gringo is, even Tenay - any guesses, fans playing at home? Uh huh. Onoo with a kick, Gringo holds the leg and sweeps him to the mat. Onoo is surprised - apparently he paid for a fix. Gringo shoves him down again. (Wrestling is FIXED?) Gringo removes his mash - why, of COURSE it's KAZ HAYASHI. Onoo begs off and Hayashi pursues him. Fortunately, when no one's looking, THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT comes in, delivers one e' them roundhouse kicks and Hayashi is out. Cat gets Sonny's attention (who is still trying to run away), tells him to look around and notice that the guy's knocked out. Sonny changes his mind and decides maybe he'll fight after all. Foot on the chest, 1, 2, 3. (1:32) Cat comes in and holds him back.
Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map Road Report. Ft. Wayne. Thursday. THUNDER!
Closed captioning where available brought to you by Jolly Time Popcorn!
WCW/NWO Superstars Series presents "Sting: Unmasked!" and "Randy Savage: the Man Behind the Madness"
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! I'll say this about them: their MUSIC is getting better.
Plea for Nitro Party Tapes. They don't care if they're good, they just want you to send 'em in!
HORACE & STEVIE RAY (with Vincenzo) v. DEAN MALENKO & STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL (with Arn Anderson) - Ric Flair is here tonight! Chris Benoit will take on Bret Hart tonight! But first we have to sit through THIS match! Horace and Malenko start, and Horace wipes the mat with him, now that's sad. Malenko finally starts to outwrestle him, and after a submission hold brings Horace to the ropes, Mongo is tagged in. He wants Stevie Ray but he gets Horace. Horace pushes him into the wrong corner, but Mongo manages to get in shots on both men before they turn the tide. Stevie is tagged in and there's a lot of punching going on. Whip into the opposite corner, Mongo manages a shoulderblock. Pickup, drop down. Tag to Dean (whew!). Tejas Cloverleaf - no, eyepoke. Tag to Horace. Stevie opens him up and Horace puts the boot to him. Horace with a vertical suplex. Whip, duck, nice leg lariat by Malenko. Tag to Mongo, who is a house on fire (he recovers quick, see). Mongo motions for the piledriver, but whips instead, so it can be reversed, so Vincent can grab the legs and trip him up. Arn doesn't like that too much, so he throws him a left, which looks like it hurts HIMSELF more than Vincent. So while referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson concerns himself with this brawl outside the ring, Stevie Ray pulls out his slapjack (which looks suspiciously like a blackjack) and waffles Mongo with it. Before a pinfall can be counted, Arn rushes the ring, brandishes a tire iron (or "tire Arn," if you're Tony) and decks both NWO'ites with it (DQ 3:44). Out comes DOUG DILLENGER to try to confiscate the weapon, but Arn says no dice.
Tony says it's time to start hour number two. My watch says it's only 35 past. Now I *really* feel like something was edited out. What, did a Nitro Girl show nipple again? Sheesh. FIREWORKS! Tony says that Arn's been arrested, and Mongo's been taken to a hospital.
GENE O. works tonight! As an added bonus, he brings out RIC FLAIR. If this were REALLY the beginning of the second hour, I'd throw out kudos for trying to counterprogram against what will undoubtedly be a McMahon interview with a Flair interview, but who knows what time it is in WCWland. Flair says, indeed, Anderson is going to the slammer, and it's all Bischoff's fault. Bischoff has no nuts, says Flair (well, he says "gonads" but that's kind of a - SCIENTIFIC - term, isn't it). Flair says that tradition is the way to go. Flair says he'd chop Bischoff so hard he'd have four nipples (huh?). Anyway, he had some money left in the bank so he went out and got BARRY WINDHAM. What? Barry Windham? Didn't these guys not like each other? I guess the right amount of money will always smooth over the past feuds. Windham says that Bradshaw sucks and he's glad to be back (well, he DOESN'T, but he SHOULD have). Hearing Windham say "we are about tradition" reminds me of how that whole NWA angle failed in the WWF - is that what they were going for? Anyway, CRACKA EAZY-E comes out to remind us that he fired Windham years ago and, oh by the way, he's not working for WCW, so there. Flair says Windham gets Liz tonight, woooo!
You've all heard that Windham's gonna turn on the Horsemen later, right? Okay, I won't ruin it for you then.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with El Anonymoso) v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - the commentators say they STILL don't know who that guy is with Eddie, but if they'd just check out the wcw.com Nitro report, they'd find out that it's some guy named Art Flores (didn't he coach the Raiders?). That same report also says I missed a Wrath/Raven matchup. Well, maybe I should just count my blessings. Eddie says that he'll leave him alone if he wins their match tonight, but if Eddie wins, he has to join the LWO. Rey goes along with it, 'cause he's a sucker. Waistlock by Guerrero, reversal, armdrag. Guerrero wrenches the arm, Mysterio rolls out and applies one of his own. Armdrag, back'n'forth we go, Rey flips him to the ropes. Springboard, spin, Frankensteiner, Eddie tries to hide behind referee "Blind" Mickey Jay, then goes outside to get powwow with Flores. "Eddie sucks" chant. Back in the ring, and Mysterio hits a Mexican armdrag and puts on the armbar. Tonight, Bobby Duncum Jr. makes his debut and gets a TV title shot. Eddie reverses the hold, then presses for 2 - Rey bridges out. Again Eddie gets 2 and again Rey lifts a shoulder, once again, Rey rolls up (after 3, but oh well), goes to the ropes, springs off with a flip and drives Eddie's head down into a DDT on his way down. 1, 2, no. Lots of forearms, to the corner, whip out, Eddie boosts Rey, who lands on the top rope, springs off after almost losing his balance, and hits Eddie, hurting himself almost as much. Eddie catches Rey off the ropes and drops him on his face. Eddie runs at Rey, who drops, then drops Eddie over the top rope to the floor. Rey's on the apron - ASAI MOONSAULT! Beauty. Mysterio throws Guerrero back in. Top rope springboard dropkick to the back of the head - Eddie slides through where Flores is waiting. Rey does that spinning thing in the ropes, so Flores holds onto the legs while Eddie dropkicks his head. Powerbomb by Eddie - ref is still talking to Flores. JUVENTUD GUERRERA is on the top rope - guillotine legdrop *hits Mysterio* after Guerrero steps aside. Eddie throws Juvi out, hits the frog splash and there's the pin. (4:55) The rest of the LWO comes into the ring and celebrates. Juvi decides to git. An LWO shirt is put on Rey, who is lifted to the shoulders of Damien and La Parka.
Tomorrow at 8 Pacific, 11 Eastern, WCW does the thing on QVC. I think I'll NOT do a report on that show.
World War 3 is SUNDAY! LIVE on PAY-PER-VIEW!
WCW/NWO Magazine ad.
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan. I guess I also missed Zbyszko playing to the crowd (again I count my blessings). The Awesome 3 talk about Judy Bagwell's hospitalization.
From a hospital bed, Judy Bagwell complains about Scott Steiner putting her in that bed. How could her son let this happen? But don't worry, she's a Mother on a Mission - a mission to do away with Buff and bring back Marc. Geez Louise, if anyone CAN'T see where this is going, please shoot yourself now.
POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (con Pepe) - In my timezone, this was what started the competition with RAW. Now I like Chavito as much as the next guy, but come on - they're just *giving up* now! Coming up, a special look at the Hall/Nash matchup at World War 3. Chavo and Scott have a posedown. FINALLY a lockup, Putski gets the better of it but Chavo doesn't seem to mind. Lockup again, bodyslam by Putski. Chavo with a kick to the gut, a chop (woooo!), forearm, chop (woooo!), to the rop, whip, reversal, Putski takes him up, then doesn't catch him on the way down. Chavo eats the canvas, then a lariat, so he crawls over to Pepe to get some guidance. When Putski is distracted, Chavo hits a flying jalapeno to take the momentum. STINGER SPLASH! But he's not Sting, so Putski punches out of it to regain control. Here's a whip, and another lariat. Headlock - suplex. Something's happening backstage as Putski punches away - we cut to a split screen where Gene O. is walking up to a car - holy crap, it's BAM BAM BIGELOW! He takes Dillenger out with one punch and runs around looking for Goldberg. He also says a lot of things that are muted. He walks through the entryway and the crowd seems to recognise him. Meantime, both men are being counted out in the ring, so they're both pretty easy pickings for Bigelow. Powerbomb for Putski, snake eyes for Guerrero. "I'm here to pin Goldberg! Get your ass out here! I'm Bam Bam Bigelow! I'm the Beast from the East!" Hey, did he say "ass" and it didn't get muted? J.J. DILLON, CRACKA EAZY-E, the second string security guy and some cops all walk to the ring - hmm, I guess he doesn't work for WCW (ha ha) so Dillon tells him to get out of the ring. Six cops and one security guy are in - hey, there's GOLDBERG along with Dillenger and some security guy. Goldberg tries to rush him but now there's about twenty people between them so it ain't happening. Bischoff is in the ring trying to get Goldberg out of there, but the pullapart is still happening. Bischoff tells Dillon this is all *his* fault and he wants to see him in the back, NOW.
Back where the car arrived, we see Bischoff chewing out Dillon, culminating in Dillon being *fired*. Dillon, of course, gives the "you can't fire me because I quit" line - and then - drives away. Damn, that's cold.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where you seen what you just saw. Tony wonders where Bam Bam is now.
World War 3 promo.
(perry) SATURN v. KONNAN - Saturn's apparently back to no first name, poor man. But he's STILL very handsome. Saturn refers us back to his match with Eddie Guerrero where Konnan came out and asked Saturn to give him a chance to push himself, and now he wants some. Or something. We see a clip from two weeks back which shows what he was talking about. Schiavone, of course, is too busy talking about Bam Bam Bigelow ("he's HERE! IN WCW!") to even *think* about this match. Konnan speaks on dis, but as the crowd says "rowdy rowdy," Saturn waffles him from behind (good for him!) It's all Saturn to start. Is that a new referee? As Konnan comes back with a lariat, the LWO is out to make sure we don't get TOO much into this match. As Konnan slaps on a submission hold, we see the LWO rooting on - who? Looks like they're rooting on Konnan as they applaud after a DDT. We cut to a split screen where Gene O. has Bischoff explaining his rationale for firing Dillon (could we PLEASE watch the match instead? No?) Bischoff says that Bigelow is NOT a part of WCW. Goldberg comes out of his locker room and says "I want Bigelow tonight! And you're gonna feed him to me!" then chokes out Bischoff until he says yes. Meanwhile, Saturn is in a submission hold but punching out. Tony says that this is mind boggling, unbelievable and incredible. Tony, you're gonna stain your pants, my man. Konnan with a near fall. Saturn with a T-bone Tazplex for 2. Dueling backslides, Konnan with a kick to the gut - crucifix slam (Outsider Edge?) for 2. Elbow, no suplex for 2. Double clothesline and both men are down. Konnan to the top rope - but Saturn dropkicks him on the way down. Again both men down. Saturn pulls himself up. Now it's back and forth in extremely slow motion. La Parka is up on the apron and holding Saturn - Konnan decides to hit La Parka! The LWO'ites pull Saturn to the floor and start beating up on him (what a waste of my time - DQ 7:05) - Konnan goes outside and pulls away the LWO guys and helps up Saturn - who decks him. Good for him! Saturn cleans house - boy that LWO is SO strong. Eddie is out to save his guys, but meanwhile Konnan gets the mic "Hey Perry, this ain't over punk - get in here buster, come on!" So Saturn runs at him and there's a big lariat on the floor. I hope Saturn KILLS him. Well, not *literally*. Konnan's head meets the STEEL steps as the rest of the refs come out to break them up. Let's take a break! Bam Bam Bigelow against Goldberg LATER TONIGHT!
And now, inexplicably, we cut back to the almost-beginning of the show for (billy) KIDMAN v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA for the World Cruiserweight Championship - Heenan has mysteriously morphed into thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, who goes on about how much the crowd loves him (oh well, guess I didn't miss that after all). Kidman gets a couple shots in, Juvi gets a couple shots in. Headlock, takes him over, reversal, reversal, kip up, Juvi shoves, Kidman shoves, lockup, headlock by Kidman, damn fast matches are hell to call. Guerrera pulls the hair (BLATANTLY even) and puts on a side headlock of his own. Kidman powers out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, under over, waistlock, back elbow, rollup by Guerrera for 2. Tigerbomb (or whatever) by Kidman. Guerrera takes a powder on the outside. Suplex back in the ring. Commentators talk about Bobby Duncum Jr. instead of the match. Bodyslam by Kidman, followed by a guillotine legdrop from the apron to the ring. Cover, only 2. To the rear chinlock. Commentators talk about that huge battle royale to take place at World War 3, then the Hall/Nash return match. Juvi elbows out but Kidman is still in control. Whip to the opposite corner, kick, whip again, Juvi has his legs up - there's the flying headscissors. Guerrera takes his head to the turnbuckle, whip out, reversal, up and over, two back elbows, Guerrea with chops (woooo!), two, three, whip, reversal, Juvi reverses AGAIN with a flying headscissors and both men are slow to get up. In the corner, Juvi with the Ten Punch Count Along, which goes to 11! Wow, he's a Spinal Tap fan! Whip into the opposite corner - Kidman takes him over the ropes but Juvi gets his throat on the top rope as he goes down. Top rope plancha for 2 by Guerrera! "Juvi sucks" chant is quickly turned down. Both men up at 6 or 7, whip, reversal, kick, up and over the top rope - Kidman dropkicks him to the floor! Pescado by Kidman finds the mark! And now they're back in the ring - cover but only 2. Back to the chinlock - it's fun to hear them talk about the "opening bout" when it's 1:42 into the show. Arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice. Tonight: Hart/Benoit! Juvi is up, Kidman feeds him some elbows - as he tries a crossbody, Guerrera ducks and Kidman goes over the top rope to the floor. Juvi is on the top - PLANCHA to the floor! Head to the apron - here's where we came in at the beginning of the show - Juventud rolls Kidman back in and follows. Pickup, slam. Guerrera to the outside, springboard guillotine legdrop! But it looks like he hurt himself on that move. Delayed cover, Kidman kicks out at 2. Kidman kicks to the head, elbow, repeat. Whip, reversal, Kidman steps aside and Juventud splashes the turnbuckle. But he gets a leg up as Kidman lunges. There's a powerbomb. Guerrera waits for him to get up, runs the ropes and hits a bulldog for 2. Up for a powerbomb - Kidman reverses and hits a faceslam for 2! Whip, Kidman catches him and throws him over his head for 2. Belly-to-back but Guerrera lands on his feet. JUVI DRIVER! 1, 2, Kidman rolls backwards and breaks the count! Guerrera can't believe it - he doesn't know what else to throw at him. Knife-edge chop (woooo!), Guerrera puts him on the second turnbuckle and climbs to the top turnbuckle for the Frankensteiner - but Kidman Golottas him and hits a Ligerbomb! 1, 2, NO!! Kidman to the top rope - time for the shooting star press? No, Guerrera crotches him. Now Guerrera is up to the top - firebird splash looks ugly as always, but this time it works. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Cruiserweight Champion. (12:08) Kidman grabs the belt, then presents it to Guerrera himself - what sportsmanship (barf). The replay is brought to you by Hasbro Interactive (You Gotta Love the Glove). Now let's hope that Mysterio SMOKES Guerrera like a Cuban cigar at World War 3 and Kidman stays the #1 contender. This segment is cut off at the end, befitting its out-of-placement spot in tonight's lineup.
Promotional consideration paid for by Electronic Hot Shot Basketball, Armageddon: the movie on video, the Hair Club for Men, America (ha!) Online, the CLUB, and Acclaim's NFL Quarterback '99. I guess I missed the first set of promotional consideration, too. You suck, WCW! You can't even give me 100% of your crappy show because I'm living on the "wrong" coast! If my company's stock weren't making me big money, I'd quit my job and move to Atlanta and...no, that's too much work.
THIRD BAM HOUR BAM FIREWORKS BIGELOW
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!
Let's Take A Special Look at Hall and Nash - old friends, new rivals. Don't you mean "Good Friends, Better Enemies?" No, you don't.
Bam Bam Bigelow is now suddenly the Most Dangerous Man in the History of Our Sport. Sigh.
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF BAGWELL are out, along with their referee - who is doing a damn fine Bill Alfonso impersonation except for the 'do. Bagwell runs down Wichita (did I mention they're in Wichita, KS tonight?). Bagwell gives us the demonstration as the ref counts three. Unamusing. Steiner takes the mic, and while I didn't pay REAL attention to his speech, I believe it went down like this: "Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight / Move your body from left to right / To all you freaks don't stop the rock / 'cause Freestyle's kickin' and you know what up" or words to that effect. Then they bring out ANOTHER guy, dressed as "Mrs. Steiner," which Buff beats up (payback for letting Scott beat up BUFF'S mother) and the ref counts to 3. RICK STEINER runs out to save his mother, because he's *the stupidest man on the planet* and apparently actually BELIEVES they're attacking his mother in the ring. Then he figures out it ISN'T his mother, and asks them to come into the ring and bring it on. Meanwhile, SCOTT NORTON has hit Rick from behind and is now choking him out with a chain. Buff and Scott make it yet another tripleteam and there's another faux three count by the faux ref (his cranium is autographed by Buff and Scott, yeah). You know what this segment was missing? CHUCKY!
Local ad has Dok Hendrix hyping Sunday's WWF San Jose house show.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Bischoff reluctantly agrees to let Goldberg fight Bigelow. Hey, Goldberg TALKED!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with the JPS, Ralphus) v. BOBBY DUNCUM, JR. for the World Television Title - Duncum can be best described as A Really Gay Cowboy. This hour is rated TV-14-V, which can only mean SOMEBODY BLEEDS TONIGHT! Lockup, to the corner, out to another corner, clean break - no, Jericho slaps him. Lockup - no Jericho with a sshot, chop (woooo!), headlock, Duncum powers out and there's a shoulderblock. Jericho with a droptoehold, floatover into a rear chinlock. Now a submission hold I don't know. Jericho throws him across the ring. Whip, reversal, dueling hiptosses, Jericho flips, lariat, he walk like crane. Senton! Jericho covers for 2. Vertical suplex. "Arrogan cover" - Duncum pushes the boot and Jericho falls. Duncum is up quickly - big boot! Elbows, whip into the ropes, back body drop, lariat and he's outside the ring. Duncum with a clothesline from the apron to the floor. Jericho meets the STEEL barricade. Trying to get back, he eats a fist. Duncum rolls Jericho back into the ring and follow sin - top rope clothesline! 1, 2, kickout! Whip, duck, Duncum takes him up but Jericho manages a dropkick at the apex. Jericho with the waistlock, ducks the lariat and tries for the Liontamer, but Duncum powers out with his legs. Standing dropkick by Duncum and Jericho rolls out. Duncum's got his bullrope but Jericho's taken his belt - he's out of here. There's your countout (4:33) and a win for Duncum, but no title.
Oh boy, "Secret Service" men en masse! It must be time for YOU KNOW WHO to come out and try to convince me he's serious about running for President - he's already sold the Awesome 3 on it, after all. Dig that crazy boa and sunglasses. Thankfully, enough balloons drop that we know there will at least be a big popping sound to drown out whatever he's got to say. Confetti abounds. Hogan says that Bischoff is a little busy, so he's gotten a brand new personal intern to handle all the cards and letters than Bischoff can't get to. Accompanied to the ring by Doug Dillenger, it's ... well, she's SUPPOSED to look like Monica Lewinsky but I think Monica's bigger. Hogan won't give us a name. Heenan keeps laughing and Tony keeps saying "Shut up." Hey, Tony, didn't you BUY all this just a minute ago? The intern takes a cigar out of her cleavage and presents it to Hollywood. You know, the crowd won't cheer, they won't boo - or is the sound just turned down again because they're saying naughty words? CRACKA EAZY-E *finally* makes his appearance to cries of "[mute]" and he and Hogan take turns shining each other. SCOTT HALL is now in the ring to make it a threesome. "You know, Hollywood, when we started this NWO, we had a little saying, I know you know it, Scott Hall knows it, everybody in Wichita knows it, 'cause it goes like this: 'when you're NWO, you're NWO 4 life." And what I was wondering there boss [turning to Bischoff] is uh, it's not just a slogan, we live it. Where's your head at?" Bischoff tries to remind him of everything he's done for him and that this isn't the time or place. "I think maybe it IS the time and the place." Bischoff says we can take care of family business later, and backstage. Hall throws a right and Bischoff falls like a tree in the forest, not making a sound. So Hogan takes it to Hall, culminating in choking him with his boa. KEVIN NASH is in and Hogan is out. Hall and Nash have a look - Nash says "I'll see you in Detroit."
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-220!
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Nash ... ah, read that paragraph up there.
BRET HART v. CHRIS BENOIT - this is a return match from the 22 June Nitro - which was a great match. Tony ticks off the list of names that Hart has taken out over the past few months, and it's revenge time I guess. Benoit attacks before the bell to start, big elbow and Hart goes down hard. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop (woooo!). He's a machine! Another chop (woooo!) and Benoit puts the boots to him after he goes down. Snap suplex for 2. Commentators have forgotten about the June match. Benoit still on him, Hart FINALLY punching back but it's not enough. Kicks and chops (woooo!) for Benoit. Whip into the opposite corner, Hart hits hard and eats ANOTHER chop (woooo!), there's 2. Side suplex by Benoit for 2. Hart rakes the face. Elbow to the back of the head and Benoit goes down. Headbutt to the lower abdomen. Hart springs off the bottom rope and drops the boot - choke for 4. Headbutt by Hart. Hairpull slam (ouch!) by Hart. Hart picks him up by the hair again - backbreaker. Second rope forearm drop for 2. Hart gouges the eyes for 4. Tony admits that he should be talking about match, and isn't. Face dragged along the top rope by Hart. Choke between his hand and the bottom rope. Hart monkeyflips him, only that darn bottom rope is in the way. Low stomp. Hart is picking him apart here. Right hand. Choke in the corner for 4 - actually he doesn't even break at 4, the ref pulls him off. Hart continues to stomp. European uppercut. Whip, reverse, Hart puts the boot up. Hart to the top - Benoit with a punch, now HE'S on the top - SUPERPLEX!! Benoit makes the "thumb-'cross-the-throat" sign and it's time for the top-rope swandive headbutt - it hits! 1, 2, kickout! Chop (woooo!), off the rope, clothesline and Hart is outside the ring. Benoit off the ropes with the baseball slide but Hart is long gone - he's stolen the chair from Pinzer and gets back in the ring. Benoit follows. Hart has the chair, but Benoit slaps the chair right into Hart's head. BENOIT DOUBLE OKIE BLOW! And now Benoit has the chair. Referee "Blind" Mickey Jay won't have it, though, and fights to get the chair out of Benoit's hands - meanwhile, this seems to be the prime opportunity for a nice Golotta, which Hart provides on Benoit. Hart has the "what happened?" look down pat, which is funny. And now Hart's got the chair again. Jay is livid. "No chairs! Put the chair down Hart! Don't do it! Don't do it! Ring the bell, ring the bell!" (DQ 6:38) yep, Hart put the chair to Benoit - again. Now he's targeting the arm - the same arm injured for much of the past five months. DEAN MALENKO is out to settle it for his fellow Horseman, but the damage is done. Hart isn't done - as Malenko checks on Benoit, Hart waffles him from behind, and now stands on the neck with a choke. He's STILL hitting Benoit. Hart has the chair - headbutt to the lower abs. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is in from the crowd! Big punches! Discus punch! Hart is out of the ring - Page is after him. The fans are cheering wildly (or mildly anyway) and Page takes Hart to the STEEL steps. Hart runs to the back. "DDP" chant as he gets the mic. "Hey Wichita, wassup? Hey Bret, where ya going? You asked me to bring this to ya" and he shows off the United States title. Hart turns back - for an instant - then continues to walk back. "When I think of Bret Hart, I put him on the same level as our presidential candidate, Hollywood 'Scum'...and his on-again, off-again buddy, Randy 'Macho Scum' Savage. They're all the same animal, just a different kind of scum. Bret 'the hit-Scum' Hart, last week, calls me out..." Ah, this is boring. Anyway, he's back, baby, and he's ready for Bret Hart. It's kind of fun to watch David Pinzer react to DDP's histrionics. Anyway, he's jacked, he's got a match with Hart for the title Sunday, you will feel the BANG, this show's ALMOST over, praise the Lord above.
#1 CONTENDER BAM BAM BIGELOW v. (bill "record not provided") GOLDBERG for the World Heavyweight Title - Tony says we're going into overtime even though in California, it's 10 to the hour. Bigelow attacks before the pyro's done. Back and forth we go, nowhere NEAR the ring - now security is out but this pullapart thing just ain't happening. Whoops, we're out of time. I guess it'll be (no entrance, no contest). Hey WCW, don't screw up next week, please.