/30 November 1998
I READ IT ON
WRESTLEMANIACS.COM: If you haven't read Mark
Coale's column, From the
Darkside, you need to. He says in about one page everything I could
only use allusion and (for me) subtlety to point out about last week's
Nitro. Hopefully, he's not onto something, but for now, I totally agree
with him. All of you who wrote me last week asking to explain why I kept
saying Nash had the book, just go read Coale's piece, wouldja?
AWARDS NEWS: The deadline is Saturday! Hopefully I'll have the results tallied by 15 December so Rick can steal it and then make it 95% of his "Year in Review" column like he always does. What a lazy bastard that sumbitch is. Next thing you know, he'll be putting AD BANNERS at the top of these recaps to register more hits with his Satanic pennies-a-click advertisement partners! Why... hey, wait a minute...
Opening credits are RIGHT ON TIME! Good for Kevin Nash!
LIVE from the UTC Arena on the beautiful campus of the University of Tennessee in Chattanooga, TN, it's WCW MONDAY NITRO 30.11.98 on TURNER NETWORK TELEVISION! FIREWORKS for the first hour! ("No rhythm in cymbals / no tempo in drums")
Hey look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! The first thing we have to talk about is Hollywood Hogan's blockbuster announcement of his retiremnet - eh. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. Mike Tenay had a bit too much to drink at the Brian Hildrebrand card and couldn't make it this week (well, they didn't actually SAY that, but I read between the lines. The lines - OF COKE.) Tonight, the exciting contract signing between Goldberg and Kevin Nash for the Starrcade Main Event. Tonight, Bret Hart and Diamond Dallas Page for the U.S. title. Tonight, the footage from the Tonight Show of Hollywood Hogan, guaranteed to stink up at least ONE quarter hour. Oh, hell, let's run it now:
From the Tonight Show last Thursday, Hollywood Hogan announces his retirement (that letterbox treatment makes him look REALLY funny lookin'). Hogan refers to himself as an "honest American." He compares himself to Jesse Ventura. He keeps talking and wasting my time. Leno calls one of Hogan's answers "a lame, weenie answer." Hogan talks about taxes, Saddam Hussein, aw, come on, give me a break. I'm glad I was DRUNK the first time this was on.
We take a look outside - nope, nothin' happening. Let's take an ad break!
WCW/NWO Revenge ad.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's Steakhouse Bacon Cheeseburger!
There's two white limousines pulling into the camera's view, and here's the NWO. Tonight I see Giant, Adams, Horace, Steiner (oh man, put a shirt on Scott, come ON), Ray, ref, Vincent and of course Bischoff. Looks like we're gonna watch them walk all the way from the limos to the ring. Big Poppa Pump leads the way so that I can feel inadequate about my upper body development. "This is cutting edge stuff!" - Tony. Tony and Larry talk about who is going to fill the power void left by Hogan, and Larry says to watch who grabs the mic first. Tony actually speculates that maybe Horace will take over with a straight face. Bischoff talks first, but all he dose is introduce the "heir apparent" - SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER. Well, I can at least say that that was an "interesting" choice. Steiner asks the crowd for a moment of silence for the greatest Champion ever - Hogan. The crowd fails to comply. Steiner goes on to remind us that Hogan was the originator of the 24 inch pythons, the largest arms in the world, and the rampant steroid abuse of the time. Since Steiner's now the possessor of the largest arms in the world, it's only logical that he be named the successor. Steiner talks about taking care of business, and the first order OF that business is to take care of Scott Hall. Steiner says he's got Horse (I think he meant Horace) and Hall needs to go get a partner so they can bury him. Huh? If you want to bury him, why make it a tag match anyway? Well, okay, whatever. Who do you think Hall will pick? Too early for Nash? Well, he *does* have the book. Rick Steiner? That would make sense, so it's not necessarily the right choice. Hey, where WAS Buff tonight? COOL! NEW STAR TREK MOVIE!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Tiger SportsFeel Electronic Games, Mag-Lite flashlights (product of Ontario, California!), Superman the video game, the CLUB, and You Don't Know Jack: tabletop version.
"It is shaping up as a blockbuster, Monday Nitro fans!" - Tony. Hey, shut up, Tony. Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!
Nitro Party Submission address. Don't EVER submit and send in a Nitro Party tape.
KONNAN v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Ralphus) for the World Television Championship - Does K-Dawg have problems trying to remember if he's trying to be Mexican or black? Why does he try to have it both ways by saying "Bowdy-'bout it?" Jericho doesn't get any mic time, hmmm. Lockup, nope, Konnan with a somersault for no reason. Armdrag takedown and the crowd goes wild. Lockup, armwringer by Konnan, Jericho flips out, Konnan lariats him and shakes his balls in his direction. Jericho leaves the ring, then tries to tell referee "Blind" Mickey Jay about what happened, and Jay said "don't EVER try to touch my balls!" Back in, lockup, takedown, Konnan rolls over. Is that a "Jericho" chant? Up we go, Jericho says "slap me" so Konnan slaps him. Oops, I think that was a called spot. Konnan with a lot of rights and elbows and kicks and Jericho cowers in the corner. Jericho gets up after Konnan stops to pose to the crowd and shake his pants. Double thrust, chop (woooo!), off the ropes, shoulderblock. Now back and forth, Jericho goes down for a Sunset flip but Konnan takes it to him, then hits the seated dropkick. Back up, whip, hot shot by Jericho and Konnan rolls to the apron. Jericho hits a GREAT springboard dropkick and Konnan meets the floor. PESCADO! Jericho doesn't stop - he's positioned the steps. Chop (woooo!) and a whip into the STEEL steps. Back in the ring we go - Jericho rolls him into the centre and tries the arrogant cover - but only gets 2. Rear chinlock is applied as Tony drops the name of Bobby Duncum Jr. Jericho with some kicks. Bodyslam by Jericho. "Are you ready?!" Jericho climbs to the top - it's a - well, I don't know but he meets the boot on his way down. Whip off the rope, "tumbling lariat." Another whip, head down, Jericho grabs him, Konnan reverses into a fisherman's suplex for 2. Jericho with a punch in the mush and a lariat - a beautiful Lionsault, but only 2. Chop (woooo!), jumping back kick, whip into the opposite corner, reverse, Konnan catches his legs around his head and wow, takes him down with a powerbomb for 2. Waistlock, victory roll counter, Jericho tries the Liontamer - got it - but Konnan is in the ropes. Jericho thinks he's won but he hasn't. Jericho takes a swing with the belt - Konnan ducks, kick to the gut, facebuster on the belt, 1, 2, 3. Oh, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Television Champion. (7:11) Gee, I wonder how THAT happened. Why, here's KEVIN NASH now, along with THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE to congratulate their Wolfpackmate for bringing some gold to their group.
To add insult to injury, let's play "Konnan's Music Video." FUCK YOU, KEVIN NASH. It only took you TWO Nitros to prove to me that it doesn't matter who's in charge, the product is STILL going to suffer. It's going to matter more who you're friends with then how entertaining/athletic/good you can be. Saying "bowdyboutit" and "wolfpack in the house" doesn't count for SHIT and it DAMN sure doesn't deserve holding the gold. And this song FUCKING sucks and there is NO good reason for it to be shoved down our collective throats like we're Monica Lewinsky looking for some Presidential action. And who plays a song without revealing the title anyway? "Konnan's Music Video." Hey Konnan, you're as white as I am, you fucking prick. You don't deserve that belt. Your music video sucks. Your "rap" sucks. Your "rep" sucks. You are neither bowdy-'boutit nor rowdy-rowdy. I hope your vocal cords get cut so I never have to hear you speak on dis EVER again. If you ever meet any REAL vatos locos, you'll be in deep shit, I guarantee it. Oh, wait, it's over? Maybe I can get on with my life. AND MAYBE NOT.
GENE O. works tonight! And, knowing what a bad taste in my mouth that video left me, out comes THE MAN to try to give me a spoonful of sugar to help that medicine go down. I don't know, Ric, I REALLY think you should have tried a LITTLE harder to jump ship, 'cause I just can't STAND this company right now. "You know Gene...there has come a time in my life when I gotta walk down this aisle, and instead of going 'meangene!' I gotta focus, because Bischoff, somewhere in a trailer, in a dressing room, at home, in a helicopter, wherever you are bigshot, I want you to hear this. Everybody knows I'm oooooold according to you. But getting old, brother, is one thing and getting great is another, and since Wahoo McDaniels, Johnny Valentine, Ricky Steamboat, Sting, Lex Luger, Hall, Nash, Savage, Hogan, the Road Warriors, Double A, Ole Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Barry Windham, myself, THOSE are the people that made you what you are, past and future. There's a whole bunch of us, some of 'em are dead, some of 'em are alive, I stand before you, I'm disappointed in Barry Windham, I'm MAD as HELL as you, 'cause you got no guts, you got no class, you got no responsibility, you are an abusive, power, and you can bleep it, you're an ass[mute]. If you wanna fire me, fire me, but make this known in your neighborhood tomorrow a 12-year-old kids gonna say, 'Ric Flair called you out - he's old, can't you beat him?' A 10-year-old down the block's gonna say 'Bischoff, Ric Flair called you out last night.' Ted Turner's gonna look across the board of directors and say 'Did Flair call out Bischoff last night?' They're gonna say 'yeah!' Bischoff, they're all gonna look at you and they're gonna say ... 'that old man of diminished skills called you old, I wanna wrestle you here tonight, tomorrow, next week ... you and I are gonna have it out once and for all - YOU - ME - COME - JUMP - ON - THIS - OLD - MAN - WOOOO!" That was great, but Nash has the book and Konnan has the TV belt so this show sucks.
Nitro party video. It sucks.
WCW Mastercard ad. It sucks.
Closed captioning where available sponsored by Jim Palmer's House of Mortgages. Palmer sucks.
Let Us Take You Back to Super Slo-Mo Replays of the Wolfpack celebrating Konnan's fucking stupid win of the world television title. God DAMN this makes me angry.
SCOTT HALL walks out with no music and wearing an Outsiders T-shirt. Oh, I guess I can figure out who his tag team partner is. And it will suck. "Hey yo. I was in the back and I heard Big Poppa Pump and the rest of the black and white talk about how they wanna beat up Scott Hall tonight. Well fellas, in case you haven't noticed, gettin' beat up is what I do. The only problem is I ain't got too many friends, so I'll certainly fight you one on one 'cause from here on out I guess I'm doing everything all alone. So Scotty Steiner and Horace Hogan, you're so excited about carrying on that family name, you guys wanna fight Scott Hall, you got it." KEVIN NASH has appeared at the entrance, holding the book. This better not - "Hey yo. You and I haven't seen eye to eye in quite some time but I'll tell you something right now - you need somebody to be a tag team partner, I'LL be your Huckleberry." Oh boy, more Nash crammed into every orifice in my body - because a contract signing isn't enough - THE FANS DEMAND IT!
RAVEN & KANYON v. SCOTT & STEVE ARMSTRONG - Raven looks comatose. Hey, the Armstrong brothers are on Nitro! Steve is quite a pistol out there - you might say even, he's a YOUNG Pistol. The bell's rung but Raven is still seated in his corner. Raven gets the mic and gives us "What about me? What about Raven? Affection was a commodity that my mother didn't deal in-" Kanyon swipes the mic. "Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, we know all about it, yadda yadda yadda. It's been the same song and dance for two years now, Raven. It's been the same thing. We know. You're acting just like a man-child. The problem is that you had a hard childhood - who didn't? You blame your mom 'you're mommy didn't treat you good.' Get over it. 'Nobody loves you, nobody loves you-'" By now, the Armstrongs have had enough of this crap and hit Kanyon from behind (about time - it's been almost two minutes since the bell). Cool doubleteam tactics. Steve with a front suplex for 2. Punch, whip, Kanyon with a pound on the back, and an Innovative Slam. Raven hasn't moved from his corner. Raven is up now - looking at Kanyon - out to the crowd - and now he's leaving. Punch from Steve blocked, punch, blatant choke. Raven's outta here. Kanyon calls to Raven but nothing doing. Steve with a gutshot, whip, but Kanyon hits his Flatliner. Kanyon is up and again looking towards the entryway. Scott rolls up Kanyon and gets the pinfall! ARMSTRONGS WIN! ARMSTRONGS WIN! ARMSTRONGS WIN! (3:35) This would have been cool except (1) I never saw a legal tag between the Armstrongs and (2) Konnan won the Television title earlier in the night.
FIREWORKS must mean we're pretty close to hour number two! It's rated TV-PG-DV. Coming up tonight, Hart/Page, Hall and Nash team up, an exciting contract signing, and oh so much more. ("Love on arrival / she comes when she comes")
GENE O. welcomes BRET HART to the ring. "I've been hurt Gene, real bad. Diamond Dallas Page stooped so low, that he actually put himself out a little hit list, and he's actually sprinklin' around all kinds of cash and money and little treats and rewards back there to these guys so that they'd actually try to end my career, and so I guess little Dean Malenko, hope he's proud of himself, 'cause he tried to rupture my groin...yeah you don't appreciate it 'cause you don't understand - none of you people GOT groins! ... I've got doctors, I've got trainers back there that say it can't be done. I wanna do it. I have no choice, I can't fight tonight, and I know Dallas-" Oh boy, there's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE come out through the crowd to let us know how jacked he is and maybe he'll say scum if we're lucky. There's "scum" (WHY does the crowd pop for that shit?), there's "jack" used as a noun. Hart again reiterates that it isn't him, it's the doctors, the educated people, that won't let him wrestle. Page scoffs and calls Hart a "damn liar." Oooh! Then Page says that if he ISN'T lying, that he was excellently executed. Than Page says Hart will feel the ... something. Gene presses the issue. After reminding us that he knows what it's like to be screwed, he'll go ahead and take the match and let Page wrestle a "cripple," but it's gotta be a no-DQ match. Page, who is probably a sucker, has no problem accepting this stipulation. MAYBE this main event will redeem Konnan's winning of the World Television title. Then again, MAYBE I can *smell* the screwjob!
Tony and Larry talk about this a while, then we are Taken Back to last week to Nitro, where Page interrupts Hart's thrashing of Malenko and Benoit, fails to put on a Diamond Cutter, then challenges Hart for next week because HE - GETS - ALL - JACKED - UP - WHEN - YOU - FEEL - THE -
(billy) KIDMAN v. THE LWO'S EDDIE GUERRERO for the World Cruiserweight Championship - a return bout from Saturday Night, whoops, I missed that one. Eddie slaps Kidman - a bad idea, as Kidman dropkicks Eddie in the back of the head. Eddie absorbs the flurry and delivers a big chop of his own (woooo!) - back and forth we go, monkey flip by Kidman. Kidman with a flying headscissors from the apron into the ring. Whip, reverse, up, nice dropkick by Kidman and Eddie rolls out. Pescado doesn't land, Eddie catches him and whips him into the STEEL steps. Eddie positioning the steps, now sandwiching him between the post and the steps - DROPKICK ON THE STEPS! Kidman tossed back in, Eddie does his over the top rope headbutt(tm) on the way back in. Eddie turns on the boos and is rewarded with a loud crowd. "Eddie sucks" chant is on as Eddie hits a shoulderbreaker into a submission hold none of us know what to call - armbreaker as he sits on his head. Here's an armbar and an ad break.
Mortal Kombat is next!
WCW/NWO Home Video releases "Sting: the man behind the mask" and "Savage: the man behind the madness" - umm, wasn't there a damn MATCH going on while they're force-feeding us ads?
When we come back, Eddie is still using attacks on the arm and shoulder - arm wrapped around the ringpost. Back to the centre of the ring. Brainbuster (Tony CALLED it!) by Guerrero. He's climbing to the top but Kidman is up and crotching him. Eddie sits on the top - Kidman's Frankensteiner attempt doesn't work as Eddie holds on. Elbow to the back of the head by Guerrero - powerbomb, no Kidman rolls through and hits a facebuster for 2. Eddie takes Kidman's head to the turnbuckle. Kidman with a gutshot and a tornado bulldog. Now Kidman is kicking away furiously and showing a little fire. Eddie begs off but nothing doing. Whip, Ligerbomb for 2. Whip, Eddie hits a flying headscissors to counter. To the corner - tornado DDT? That's Chavo's move! Kidman laid in the centre of the ring - frog splash time? No, Kidman bounces up and stops him. Top rope - SUPERPLEX! Kidman manages a cover but Guerrero easily puts the shoulder up at 2. Whip out of the corner, reverse, 180 whip, Kidman hits the corner, Kidman picks up a charging Guerrero, spins him around and Guerrero ends up kicking referee "Blind" Charles Robinson out of the ring! Kidman still manages to hit the top-rope Frankensteiner. In position for another top-rope manoeuvre, but JUVENTUD GUERRERA is out, so Kidman dropkicks HIM instead. Now REY MYSTERIO JR. is out - dropkick for Eddie's back (I *guess* he meant to do that) - Kidman hits his shooting star press while Mysterio rousts Robinson. 1, 2, bell rings, 3. Oops. Kidman IS announced as the winner, though, so I guess is wasn't a time limit draw. (10:08) The rest of the LWO runs out so Mysterio and Kidman make an escape. Replays are brought to you by Hasbro Interactive's Glover - you GOTTA love that Glove.
Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers pin of a map Road Report. THUNDER! invades Memphis' Mid-South Colesium on Thursday!
BAM BAM BIGELOW has apparently paid for a ticket to tonight's event, and also for two security guys to stand behind him.
If you hear the theme to "NWO Monday Nitro," not only should you be reminded of THAT particular colossal failure, but you should also prepare yourself for some interview time by CRACKA EAZY-E who is accompanied by BARRY WINDHAM. Bischoff talks and talks and talks - oh, and sucks. The theme of this little rant is apparently "we need a hero" (footloose!) and that hero can only be - DEAN MALENKO? I have no idea what this is about, but Malenko comes out, flanked by the rest of the IV HORSEMEN sans Flair. Malenko tells the other three they can stay behind, he's happy to face them alone. Also, he's really stupid. Windham (who doesn't look all THAT fat) is putting on some work gloves. Bischoff says that Malenko can give Flair the opportunity to get a piece of him. All he has to do is wrestle Windham, and if he wins, then Flair will get the opportunity to wrestle Bischoff. Malenko says a Horseman never backs down from a challenge. Bischoff says, oh, by the way, there's a special referee for this match, and it's - oh no - DUSTY RHODES. You know, I was *wondering* what was gonn happen with ol' Dust now that Hall was out of the B&W. I wonder what he'll say. I was gonna transcribe it but I honestly couldn't make out the first bit of what he said, and then I decided it didn't matter. Dusty said he was gonna call it down the middle and may the biuhst mayan winnuh and let's just leave it at that.
WCW/NWO Revenge for the Nintendo ad.
Bobby Heenan joins the commentators. Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!
WRATH v. BOBBY BLAZE (no entrance) - Hey, Wrath, you still jobbed to Nash last week, so you suck. (Meltdown :28) Why yes, the replays DO take longer than the match.
Bigelow talks a bit. He bought his ticket, you know. How come these guys always buy FRONT ROW tickets?
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) come out. The Cat kinda has that "so bad he's entertaining" shtick that works on the level of, say, an Ed Wood movie. OK, I've never actually WATCHED an Ed Wood movie from beginning to end but I hear tell. Cat wants ANYBODY in the back. PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN answers the call. Cat says that he's weak, he let Sonny beat him, so in order to protect him, he's gonna leave the ring. Saturn gets the mic and accuses Cat of being chicken. Cat says "oh yeah?" and calls him Betelgeuse. Cat says if he beats Sonny then he can have a match - Sonny kinda has a problem with this, but after Cat whispers something in his ear, he agrees to the deal. Saturn, of course, has no problem with this deal. So...
SONNY ONOO v. PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN - well now, what have we here. Saturn with a modified Ligerbomb. 1, 2, Cat pulls out referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson just before 3. While they argue, GLACIER is out to deliver a Cryonic kick, then place Onoo on top. Dickinson is in - 1, 2, shoulder up! Cat again talks to the ref while throwing a chain to Onoo. Onoo takes a swing - but Saturn blocks it and hits a Spicolli Driver for the 1, 2, 3. (1:14), but, oops, looks like there's a chain sticking out of his tights. Cat swiftly points it out to Dickinson, who quickly reverses the call and awards the match to Onoo. (DQ 1:14) Saturn chases the ref away and makes faces. Onoo is left laying.
There's another white limo, which apparently holds Goldberg, pulling into the back area. When we come back, he'll make his entrance and we'll have that EXCITING contract signing! Maybe.
Goldberg T-shirt ad. Quick, buy yours before Nash takes it all away!
Goldberg leaves his limo and walks to the ring, this ONLY takes about two minutes, so I guess we can count ourselves lucky. Gene O. is in the ring to conduct festivities along with TERRY TAYLOR, and introduces the man as "Bill Goldberg Goldberg" - we cut to a shot of Bam Bam Bigelow whining that HE isn't the man signing the contract as BOOKERMAN is introduced. Of COURSE, his good buddies in the Wolfpack have to tag along with him. Nash stares at Goldberg like a goof. Nash signs both copies of the contract and then Goldberg signs the contracts while Nash makes goofy wolf ear faces. Okerlund tells us there won't be a title defense between now and Starrcade. Right after the signing is done, Bigelow tries to jump the railing, and is swiftly escorted out of the building by about 25 security guys and cops. They form a human wall, presumably to keep Bigelow from trying to come back. As we take one look back in the ring, it looks like Goldberg was kinda wishin' Bigelow had made it.
Yeehaw! The FIREWORKS mean it's close enough to the THIRD HOUR of Nitro! Page/Hart! TV-PG-DV! Hall and Nash together against Steiner and Horace Hogan! Windham/Malenko with Dusty Rhodes as the Special Referee with a Flair/Bischoff match on the line! AND SO MUCH MORE! ("Right on the target / but wide of the mark")
BOOKER T. v. MEAN MIKE ENOS (no entrance) - lockup, to the corner, clean break, call to the crowd by Booker T. Lockup, wristlock by Booker T., back elbow by Enos, kick, Whip, reverse, duck, flying jalapeno by Booker. Harlem kick for 2. To the rope, chop (woooo!), whip, reversal, Enos manages a stun gun and a clothesline over the top rope to the floor. Enos is out after him - clothesline from the apron to the floor! Enos drops Booker's throat on the safety railing, then rolls him back in the ring. HUGE legdrop. Chinlock. Crowd brings Booker back to life - elbow, Enos whips him into the corner, whip into opposite corner, lariat follows. Whip, reversal, Booker T. comes back with kicks. Enos gets him in the chin, up, go behind, kick by Booker T., axe kick. Belly-to-back suplex, breakdancing, Harlem sidekick, Enos tries a lariat but Booker T. hits the 110th street spinebuster (or as Tony would say, "sidewalk slam") for the 3 count. (3:27) You know, THIS guy should be the TV Champion, not fucking Konnan.
Bam Bam Bigelow stands outside on some grass and he's STILL calling out Goldberg. We're going to follow THIS story! What story, Bigelow ranting and raving? Well, okay, I guess. Hey, how come all those people aren't like INSIDE watching the real action?
Local ad: BIG TIME WRESTLING returns to San Jose at Willow Glen High School in San Jose - Playboy Buddy Rose vs. Honky Tonky Man is the big event! Woo hoo! SATURDAY at 1930! Call (510) 668 1691 for details! I think - I'll stay home.
Starrcade spot. It's Sunday 27 December and YOU MUST ORDER NOW
Kevin Nash Big Sexy T-shirt ad is neither big nor sexy
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT!
Earlier tonight, I must be reminded that FUCKING Konnan won the FUCKING television belt and Luger and Nash are so FUCKING happy for him and I'm sorry that I'm swearing but DAMN - still to come, MORE NASH! (Ha, you thought I was gonna say "MORE FUCKING NASH," didn'tcha? Showed YOU!)
Here's a clip from "Houdini" for no reason other than it's gonna be on TNT soon. It sucks.
We look outside, where Bigelow is still ranting and raving. He wants Goldberg THERE.
Promotional consideration paid for by Electronic Hot Shot Basketball, NFL Quarterback Club '99 from Acclaim Sports, America (ha!) Online, the unfunny Clinton Growing Nose Wristwatch (soon to be found at your local 99c clearance center), XG2 from Acclaim, and the Scam-an-Inventor Corporation (Slogan: "No idea not worth stealing")
BRIAN ADAMS (It's only love, and that's all) (with Vincenzo) v. THE NARCISSIST - this is a return bout from an excruciating, over nine minute matchup on Nitro on 24 August, the details of which I will spare you in a "Flashback" segment - this time. Tony tells us that Tenay actually has laryngitis, and talks about the Mark Curtis card that happened last night. Nice mention of what happened last night and well wishes for Curtis. My God, this is EXACTLY like their first match - a glacial feeling out process finally ends with a back and forth and a big shoulderblock, do it again, big elbow. Big head to the turnbuckle. Big punches in bunches, big kicks to the gut, big hairpull. Adams finally manages a back elbow while referee "Blind" Mickey Jay tries to separate the combatants. Hot shot as Adams leaps over the ring to the floor and takes Luger's neck with him. Atomic drop. Clothesline. Double sledge blow. Adams throws him out and Vincent gets in some licks, rolls him back in, 2 count. Whip into the corner and Luger lands hard. Adams puts the boots to him. Another whip, but Luger puts up a big elbow as Adams comes in. Big punch, big punch, big lariat, big lariat, here comes to the big Ace toolbox forearm but Adams runs into Jay. Oh boy, Vincent is in! After depositing a chair in the corner, he hits a clubbing blow but is knocked out with one big punch. As Luger puts on a big choke, Adams gets a good chairshot on Luger's back. SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON THE CHAIR WITH VINCENT'S HELP! Hey, this is pretty slick stuff, I could go for this...1, 2, shoulder up! Oh, I changed my mind. This sucks. Hell, at this rate, I expect it'll end with a Nash run-in so I can get sick. As Adams and Jay argue, Luger comes to and there's a big inside cradle but Adams kicks out at 1. Adams with a clothesline and hes back to Jay. Luger with a big atomic drop, followed by a big punch, but Adams rakes the face. Uppercut to the throat - now it's a blatant choke. Adams pushes the ref away but does not get DQ'd, because the Wolfpack ALWAYS wins clean. Adams calls for Vincent to get up and position the chair, whip is reversed, Adams stops short but Luger hits a big elbow and Adam hits the chair, and Vincent hits the floor. There's the big Torture Rack. Sigh. You suck Luger. (5:06)
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! They suck!
BARRY WINDHAM v. DEAN MALENKO with Dusty Rhodes as Special Guest Referee - Tony said "Texicans!" Dust comes out first to the NWO theme, Dean to the Horsemen theme, and Barry to "Eric's NWO Nitro" theme. Lockup, to the corner, switch, Malenko with a right, off th eropes, cathes the leg, spin around, drop toehold by malenko. Whip, Windham holds onto the ropes and escapes the ring. MAlenko chases and now they're both back in the ring. Rhodes stands between them and talks. Malenko tries to get near him but runs into an eyepoke. Big slap by Windham. Gutwrench into a slam. 1, 2, no. Blatant right hands by Windham. Malenko comes back with a knee, whip, reversal, knee is up. Windham chops away. Whip into the opposite corner, Malenko sidesteps, goes to the top and Windham take the bad leg out from under him. Now Windham is dropping elbows on the bad leg. Windham wrenching the leg and continuing to work the bad knee. Tony calls Dean "a man's man." Dean grabs the rope while Windham works over the knee and Dusty fails to call for a break. Blatant low blow by Windham goes unchallenged. Dusty looks away as Windham wraps the bad knee around the rope and stomps away. Finally, Rhodes pulls Windham away and calls for the bell. But it's a win for MALENKO as he's *disqualified* Windham! Huh? (DQ 3:08) CRACKA EAZY-E can't *wait* to come out and sputter. Then he fires Dusty. Windham comes after Rhodes but Malenko and the rest of the IV HORSEMEN come out and take it to Windham. Before they can get their hands on Bischoff, though, the rest of the NWO are out to scurry away Bischoff. Ummm, why did Dusty let Malenko get his leg so totally worked over before DQ'ing Windham? Why did...do I even WANT to try to figure this out? Maybe Nash let Dusty book this. Flair says it's the best Christmas present ever and some other stuff happens, I think.
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & HORACE (hogan) (with the NWO referee) v. SCOTT HALL & BOOKERMAN - remember the first time the Outsiders wrestled and they had that cheesy ripoff of Seal's "Crazy?" They should have used that music rather than give Hall no music. There apparently exists an uneasy truce between the two for this match. Tony can't help but fall over himself telling us how this team was truly the Most Spectacular Tag Team of Our Modern Time in This Great Sport. Hall wins the paper-rock-scissors contest and starts out against Horace. Hall with the Hilarious Toothpick. Lockup, wristlock by Horace, into an arm wringer, Hall reverses and does his shoulderblock bit, to the mat, paintbrushing him. Horace clotheslines out. Right hand by Horace, to the corner, whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Tony has a note. Horace with the semi-blatant choke. Dueling hiptoss attempts ends with Hall doing a chokeslam and going back to making fun of the Giant. (He can do that now, 'cause they're not friends anymore.) That note says that Bischoff MUST wrestle Flair at Starrcade. Hall gives a crotch chop to Steiner, who calls for the tag and gets it. Lockup, to the corner, Steiner pounds away and takes charge. "Who's the man?" he calls. Whip, shoulderblock, leg hooked, lightning-fast 1, 2, but Hall still manages to kick out. Double underhook into a slam, another fast 2 count but Hall kicks out. Hall reaches towards Nash, aww, that's touching. Steiner sets him on the top and hits a - Hall with the eyepoke and boot to knock him to the mat. Bulldog! 1.....2........kickout. That's a good ref there. Steiner manages the weakest, tamest Golotta I've ever seen. Steiner tosses Hall through the ropes and Horace takes his weight belt and chokes Hall with it - Nash actually seems to hurry over as he kicks Horace. Hall thrown back in and Steiner hits a snapmare and punches away. Steiner gives a glare to Nash and then goes back to a choke on the ropes. Ref is failing to count to 5 here. Kick to the gut. Tag to Horace, who does some work with HIS boots asa well. Fans chant "We want Nash" as Horace hits a backbreaker, and a big splash, and AGAIN Hall kicks out after a fast 2. Headlock is on, fans clap and Hal fights up out of it. Tag to Nash - ref is claiming he didn't see it but he gets floored with one blow. Down goes Steiner, down goes Horace, repeat, repeat, Nash has the book, you know, he's UNSTOPPABLE. Outside we go, Nash takes care of Steiner, and when Horace tries to interject himself over the corner, Hall catches him in a crucifix position and there's the Outsiders Edge. Cover - ref won't count. Nash is DEMANDING a count, and the ref won't do it. Nash decides to catch the ref and deliver the old powerbomb on him. "Blind" Billy Silverman has run out, in the mean time, and DOES count the 3. (7:36) Even as the count was made, Nash was climbing over the ropes and walking out the back.
Outside, Bigelow is still doing the same thing he was doing last time we saw him. Fifteen minutes left in the show, you think they'll DO anything with this?
Still to come, Hart/Page! What, wouldn't that be like now? Well, no, because Tony still has to gush over the big announcement of the Flair/Bischoff match -
No, wait, a camera is following a running Goldberg out to where Bigelow is standing, and they're brawling. Umm, they're still brawling. Now they're brawling some more. Now Doug Dillinger and the armada of security and cops are separating the men. So if Nash books himself the belt at Starrcade, why are they even BOTHERING with THIS feud? Why would Bigelow want Goldberg if he doesn't have the belt anymore? Goldberg makes it through the security and spears Bigelow, and in the middle of all this "action," we take an ad break.
"Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen to what I can say, and it's gonna be a gross understatement I know, an explosive, an electric, an unpredictable night of WCW Monday Nitro, it's - it's been - it's been the darnedest thing I've ever witnessed!" - Tony. Go to hell, Tony. Go straight to hell.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. BRET HART for the United States Heavyweight Title in a No Disqualification bout - Page walks out through the crowd because he's a suckup. Hey, no Michael Buffer this week? Referee is Charles Robinson. True to his word, Hart is not dressed in any wrestling gear. Why is the skull with wings logo on his T-shirt positioned just so that it looks like devil's horns? Coincidence? "Feeling out process." Now lockup, to the ropes, Hart ducks between the ropes and Page fails to provide a clean break, kneeing him once before moving back to the center. Lockup, to the corner, Hart with the reverse Golotta. Rake of the face on the top rope. Right hand. Remember, it's no-DQ. Choke in the corner, stompin'. Right. Right. Page blocks another right and hits a flurry of punches, then stomps on him. Page wraps the legs around the ringpost and applies the figure four around the post but NO-SMOKIN' GIANT is running out (no DQ!) Giant takes Page and throws him over the top rope. Now Giant is in. It's no DQ! and this is the way to do it! CHOKESLAM! Hart stands over the fallen Page. Sharpshooter? No, it looks like Hart is *reviving* him. So that Giant can give him another chokeslam. YEAH! Giant actually stands him on the top turnbuckle and chokeslams him to the match. Hart gives Giant (or as I like to call him, "Vader") a hug. And now, here's the Scorpion Deathlock. Robinson grabs the arm and checks, arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm better fall thrice. You're damn right. Ladies and gentleman, we have a new United States Heavyweight Champion and this is ALMOST enough to make me forget that horrid, HORRID television title change. But then, Bret Hart should never have lost this title to begin with...ah well. Replay of the spectacular chokeslam, and the great big hug. I feel like I could use a hug after watching this show. Good night everybody! You suck Nash.
CRZ ("What I thought was fire / was only the spark")