/14 December 1998
I GET LETTERS:
JV comes clean and joins the dark side:
P.S. You were completely right about the whole Konnan-Jericho thing. It's the first sign that Nash will be no different than Hogan. At least Hogan remembers to dye his hair...
Well, I liked this one better than the hatemail I was going to put up anyway. Well, actually the hate mail was much much funnier but I didn't want to embarrass the guy like some other columnist might do. By the way, in the future, please only compare me to writers who PRODUCE, you know what I mean.
TV-PG-DV Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Goldberg and Bam Bam Bigelow were set for a "one night only" matchup, Goldberg said "ass," Nash reminded us that he was Poochie and said it was now a 3-way dance, the match ended up not happening, and Tony said it was the darnedest things he'd ever seen - a ten second main event! Closed captioned for the hearing impaired (huh?)
Lights! Cameras! NITRO! Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! FIREWORKS! It MUST be HOUR ONE! ("Lies - Lies - Lies - Lies") We are live in the Ice Palace of Downtown Tampa, FL just six short months after Flag Day, yes, 14.12.98 and broadcast on TNT. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, who provide commentary.
Because this IS hour one, we are treated to the Treacherous Three talking about Kevin Nash and Goldberg, because it's the big pay-per-view main event that we can't wait to see and also can't wait to hype. Also at Starrcade, Flair and Bischoff! And Giant and Page! Tonight? No time to talk about any matches that might take place tonight, we have to go to this very special
Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Giant gave a pretty darn good interview. Widescreen treatment makes Giant look extra wide. The thing I like most about Giant's interviews is no matter how calm he is, at the very end he gives you AHTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAMMMMM. Later in that show, Page came out with a chair to beat up Giant because they have "issues," oh and incidentally to save Scott Hall and the Wolfpack. This is probably a great time for an ad break!
The nonstop cavalcade of recaps, interviews and ads continues with a Nitro Girls 15 month calendar ad. Only FIFTEEN BONES! And with so many gorgeous pictures of the most popular women in wrestling, you'll pop AT LEAST FIFTEEN BONES!
This portion of the Festival of ads is brought to you by 10-10-321.
POLISH POWER SCOTT PUTSKI v. RAVEN - just to tease you, here's something that looks like a match, but we all know Raven still isn't ready to wrestle. Say, that's some nice kerning there between the "A" and "V" in that font. There sure seem to be a load of professionally made, Not Planted At All signs in the crowd tonight. Commentators talk about Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff as you might expect. Even I can't be bothered to transcribe Raven's meanderings. Short story is his mother doesn't love him, boo hoo, whataboutmewhataboutRaven. KANYON walks out to jazz it up a bit. He asks Putski to take a hike (no contest) and then proceeds to tell Raven to just shut up already (and Kanyon gets a pop!) 'cause we all know he was a silver spoon spoiled brat growing up. This is actually seen as a great revelation by the commentary team, who seem to have forgotten that Saturn told us all this stuff MONTHS ago. Anyway, the crowd is vomiting in the stands by now - well, maybe I'm just imagining that because I'm so biased. Your first quarter hour ends somewhere in here as well. "My mother never loved me, Kanyon!" "You know what your problem is Raven? You had it too easy!" and Raven walks away while Kanyon says "Where are you goin'?" about a million times.
Opening credits (or as I like to call them, "Fifteen Minutes after Opening" credits)
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Tiger SportsFeel games, "Armageddon" on video, Mag-Lite flashlights (now available in PEWTER!), the CLUB, and You Don't Know Jack, the tabletop version of the irreverant...ah, screw it.
VILLANO V v. THE LWO 'S EDDIE GUERRERO (with El Anonymoso) - somebody must have yelled at WCW.com's Ed Valentine, because he doesn't call him "Art Flores" this week; instead, he's "Eddie Guerrero's Bodyguard." As you might expect, the commentators talk about Flair and Bischoff. This goes all the way back to April, for those of you just joining us - Flair took a night off and skipped THUNDER! to watch his son Reid compete in an amateur wrestling Championship, so Bischoff filed a suit charging breach of contract. The irony is that Flair hadn't been on TV for quite a while PRIOR to that, so to wait until THAT moment...and Flair had asked for the day off with a lot more notice than WCW gave him to appear on that show. Ok. So Flair filed a countersuit, and the whole thing dragged out forever and made most of us pretty pissed off about the whole thing until Flair reappeared. And at Starrcade, Flair and Bischoff will fight for Flair's career in a match that will suck, but not matter since Flair will win and hopefully kick Bischoff's ass in the process. This is actually a damn good match, but I can't be bothered to give you play-by-play because I'M HALF-ASSING it this week. Also, since Eddie is fighting a Latino guy, you all know what's coming. After interference from that guy, Eddie hits a superplex and a frog splash, then pulls up the man. The rest of the LWO comes out and Eddie makes the pitch. Roughly translates, he says "I wish I'd bought Gloria Trevi's aerobics video when I'd had the chance - don't YOU regret not joining us at our El Santo movie viewings!" Villano puts on the shirt, and Eddie says "Bischoff, that's one more stronger!" Tony promptly says "He's right, guys, one more stronger!" We see Rey Mysterio decline to get in the ring and join the celebration. Man, can you imagine the dancing in the streets of cities all across Mexico - for Villano V has joined the LWO! (no contest? 6:18)
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're at the commentary position brandishing credit cards!
Plea for Nitro Party videos. Here's the address. By the time you read this, the contest will have ended (for good, one can only hope).
For example, look at this Nitro Party video. It's videos like this that make left coast guys like me look down on Southern guys that seem to be typified by them.
That's two quarter hours, and two no contests, moving right along aren't we. If you're wondering when I'll stop bitching and give you some news, you must be new here.
WCW/NWO Magazine ad.
Closed captioning where available brought to you by the Money $tore - where they sell you MONEY!
AW, WRATH v. AL GREEN (Let's Stay Together) - I smell squash...Lockup, to the corner, not exactly clean break as Wrath kicks and chops (woooo!), kicks, and knees him in the gut, talks back to the ref, chokes in the corner, whips out, and misses a charge. Green with forearms, whip, reverse, big knee from Wrath, high kick to the face, Wrath says "I'd rather be anywhere but here!" I think. Out he goes after him. Green tries a whip but is reversed into a barricade. Chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), back into the ring we go. Commentators are not talking about the match. Wrath with a super flying jalapeno off the top rope for 2. Choke, oh no, that's not legal. Boot to the head. Choke on the second rope. Into the corner, kick, kick, whip, back elbow as he comes out. Commentators mention that Bischoff and Flair will talk later tonight as Wrath kicks, drops some lightning elbows and covers but only gets 2. Hey, Wrath, use that Meltdown thing and maybe then you'll get the pin. Whip, shoulderblock, crowd says "do it already" so here's a kick to the gut, the pumphandle and the powerslam. Thank you, good night. (3:44) I'm guessing Al got about three minutes more than normal because he used to be tag team partners with that other guy we're all loving so much.
WCW/NWO videos for sale! Win 'em by entering the contest at wcw.com!
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff. Boy, those guys can talk, huh?
GENE O. works tonight! We turn the third quarter hour as Okerlund calls out CRACKA EAZY-E to kill some time. You know what I love about ol' Bischy is EVERY time he comes to the ring, he gets his own music - the "NWO Nitro" theme. Because we NEED to be reminded EVERY time Bischoff walks out alone of the disaster that was NWO Nitro. Bischoff runs down the crowd, runs down Flair, tells us that he's "deeply rooted in the millenium" while Flair is "history." Eric reminds us that he's a trained killer and a dangerous man. I keep waiting for him to say he's a three-time world karate Champion, but he does not. "Ric Flair is a very tired and very old man, so I have a little word of advice for you, Ric - a little hint. This one hits REALLY REALLY hard, but this one - this one scares even me." He's talking about his hands, you see. THE MAN runs into the ring and the chase is on - and they're off to the back. Flair must be looking for a shortcut because he knowingly veers off in the wrong direction. Anyway, Flair comes back to the ring, bringing some Horsemen signs into the ring with him, which he fails to show before dropping. Okerlund asks Flair what Bischoff will see at Starrcade. Flair elbowdrops the mat, stomps on the mat, and kneedrops the mat. Hey, he can't wrestle on TV! The mat submitted anyway. "That's whatcher gonna see! Bischoff! Dammit all! We're in Tampa Florida where they like WRESTLING boy! These people grew up on blood, guts and Eddie Graham, baby! And then along came the American Dream, Dusty by God Rhodes, who bled, with me, against me, with the Briscos, the Funks, the Sullivans, the the Windhams, when everybody who was somebody came through FLorida and paid the price, and you - you worthless scumbag, you aristocrat, you pencil neck, when I get you - in Washington, DC..." and the he does a classic Flair Flip (almost), comes back in and drops another elbow- "I'm - gonna - strangle - you - half - to - death! I'm gonna reach down - inside - your skinny little neck - grab your heart you have - and pull it out to show the world to show you have no heart." Flair grabs his left shoulder and slumps to the corner as Gene wraps it up. ARN ANDERSON quickly runs out and joins security at Flair's side, soon followed by trainer DANNY YOUNG, a production guy, here's DUSTY RHODES. Gene is talking over his mic and ruining things, ok. A gurney comes out for Flair. Now, what it's supposed to look like I think is that Flair had a stroke while working himself up during the interview. Now, right off the bat I'm sure a lot of people are asking "Is this REALLY happening?" and since we haven't gone to an ad break, you tell me. Still not sure? Okay, as a public service, I present CRZ's guide to work or shoot:
Question: Are you watching it? Answer: Yes. Conclusion: Then it must be a work.That said, this particular work is being done extremely well. But you know what's going through my mind? What could have possibly made Flair agree to be in such a classless angle? I mean, it's not a mock crucifixion on a symbol, but if you know ANYBODY who has had any sort of heart problems, you're probably feeling a little uneasy watching this, and you don't watch these kind of shows to feel uneasy, but to be ENTERTAINED. Of course, it's also extremely cynical of me to note that we're about three minutes before RAW starts. Now to FIRMLY convince you it's a work, a camera catches BAM BAM BIGELOW waltzing into the backstage area as all the security folk are busy loading Flair into an ambulance. Next shot we take is of Scott Hall giving a crotch chop to Bigelow, who lays into him like he's still angry about what the Clique did to him over three years ago. This soda machine spot is brought to you by POWERADE! Some more security finally show up to separate SCOTT HALL and Bigelow, and now, just in time to keep you from touching that dial, BOOKER POOCHIE KEVIN NASH is out to ask Bigelow what exactly he's doin'. Next thing you know, they're talkin' smack and tying to come to blows. Hey, look, here's GOLDBERG! Man, I've forgotten all about Flair now, 'cause I'm caught up in all this EXCITMENT! I also don't think there's enough security folk to separate all three men. Fortunately for us, TERRY TAYLOR appears to make a match, and *tonight*, we'll have that three way dance. No, really, they MEAN it this time. No run-ins, no screwjobs. (I can SMELL the screwjob!) And we turn the hour.
What's really sad is when I was watching this in real time, I turned to RAW, saw the DX parody and felt like I was ALREADY more entertained by RAW than by Nitro. Now, most of that is probably my bias, to be sure, but I can't have been the only person that felt that way.
SECOND HOUR FIREWORKS! GREAT BIG TRIANGLE MAIN EVENT! ("Books - books - books - books")
Gene O. brings out KIDMAN as we are reminded that last week on THUNDER! the #1 Contenders' match between Rey Mysterio and Juventud Guerrera was left undecided. Kidman asks Mysterio to come out, preferably without the LWO. REY MYSTERIO JR. comes out, removing his 6XL shirt on the way to the ring. He looks espeically dayglo tonight. I should also add he comes out to his own music instead of the LWO music. Kidman sucks up and tells Rey he wants to give him another match, right now. Rey says sounds good to me, and it's on.
(billy) KIDMAN v. REY MYSTERIO JR. for the World Cruiserweight Championship - Lockup, gobehind, back elbow by Rey, forearm by Rey, back and forth we go, armdrag by Rey, to the corner, up and over, ditto, head scissor attempt blocked, forearm, Rey on the apron, crotching Kidman, too fast to type, uh. Kidman on the ropes - huracanrana attempt blocked into a superpowerbomb for ONLY 2. Tony suddenly remembers he should be somber about Flair, ok. Rey reverses into a huracanrana over the ropes to the outside and Kidman hits hard, man. Baseball slide dropkick by Rey. Plancha from the apron over the barricade, and they land on WADE BOGGS, who is in attendance tonight. Rey throws him back in and springboards off but Kidman dropkicks him. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson puts on the count - at 5, Kidman covers for 2. Kidman kicks him in the corner - whip out, armdrag, whip to the opposite corner, Rey springs out, three different reverses, Kidman whips him into the corner, and springs off with a clothesline for 2 when he comes back out. Forearm by Kidman, out of the corner, splash misses. Flair update when we've got one. Kidman sat on the top rope, Rey on the apron, they exchange punches and Rey wins, gets a springboard into a superbulldog for 2. Mysterio with a kick, now repeated kicks in the corner, so it must be broncobuster time. Danny Young has told Tony that Flair had "shortness of breath and mild chest pains." Split-legged moonsault for 2. Watching Nitro is like watching "Wheel of Fortune," where the commentators are the contestants, isn't it? Bodyslam by Rey, to the top he goes - senton misses. Kidman with a powerslam (or if you're Tony, "whipslam") and he's going up to the top - big kneedrop from the top but only 2. To the rear chinlock. Rey elbows out, whip, Rey does his spin in the ropes move and Kidman dropkicks him out of the ring. Pescado! Kidman is favoring a shoulder. Thrown back in, guillotine legdrop over the top rope, 1, 2, no. Whip into the corner, but Rey bputs a boot up on the charging Kidman. Kidman tries for a Michinoku Driver but Rey rolls through - but only 2. Whoops, here's DAMIEN and CICLOPE to run-in (DQ 7:15) but since it's two on two, the good guys get control - Double whip reversal and they butt heads. Double dropkick! Double fly out of the ring and land on the bad guy moves! PSYCHOIS & LA PARKA are out now - maybe they shouldn't run in two at a time like they were black ninjas, as they are quickly dispatched. Kidman gives Rey a look and takes off as the rest of the LWO comes out and puts the boots to Rey. Then Kidman comes back in, which isn't smart, as they all put the boots to HIM. Eddie calls everybody off - and then HE puts the boots to BOTH men. That's actually pretty cool. Larry Zbyszko finally puts the story together by saying that while Eddie talks about his hatred for Eric Bischoff, he's become the exact same thing. Maybe someone fed him my three weeks ago report. Ha! We see a replay of La Parka and Psychosis going down, then Eddie frog splashing both men at once.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Scott Hall chops his crotch, and Bigelow tries to put Hall through a Powerade machine. Tony calls Bigelow "a man possessed...virtually unstoppable." Then they replay the WHOLE BIT, up to where the match is made. Terry Taylor actually says "nobody runs in." HA!
Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map road report. Charlotte is the home of the Horseman and also the next home of THUNDER!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus and a prop) are out. No funny hair this week. "Ralphus and myself would like to welcome YOU to Monday Night Jericho! Now we all saw two weeks ago right here in this ring how that Baby Huey lookalike Konnan ROBBED me of my Championship belt. Now first of all, Konnan, I gotta congratulate you, man - you are definitely the GREATEST Latino rapper since Gerardo - you are RICO SUAVE! Now you know, I can't understand what you're talking about, I am definitely not rowdy rowdy, I am definitely now bowdy bowdy nor do I wanna be, but I am, however, 235 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, and Ralphus, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! So what I would like to do is re-enact the travesty that befell me - I'm gonna show you people exactly what happened, because Konnan used a foreign object to steal my belt away - he assaninated my title reign, he might as well have been standing on the grassy knoll, and I'm gonna explain to you the Magic foreign object theory so what I'd like to do is bring out Exhibit A right no, so come on out here Exhibit A, here comes Konnan." The Wolfpack theme starts up - actually it starts about three seconds in, which exposes that there's a hell of a lot of fake crowd noise mixed in with that music. Needless to say, a fake Konnan comes out, complete with oversized shovel and fake belt. "For goodness sakes man, pull up your pants!" Jericho takes the pen and starts to draw on the easel, explaining that as Jericho had Konnan in the Liontamer, Konnan pulled out a pair of brass knuckles and waffled him, but when that wasn't enough, he pulled out a STEEL chain and waffled him with THAT. Even that wasn't enough, as Jericho thought of all the people to whom he is a Role Model, and he came back, fighting with the strength of the cheers behind him, when Konnan brought out a SHOVEL and KO'd him. This is all play acted out by "Konnan" and Jericho. As he faded away, Konnan took out the belt and planted him on it (well, THAT part was true anyway) and as the ref counted to three, Jericho had BOTH arms AND all his teeth around the bottom rope. Jericho says even though he was robbed, "you can't stop rock'n'roll and you can't stop Chris Jericho either, and I am definitely 2 Legit 2 Quit, Konnan." Jericho goes to thank his ersatz Konnan, and clothesline, stomps, and puts him in the Liontamer. Anyway, the upshot of all this is a TV title rematch slated for Starrcade. Funny bit.
Starrcade promo. It's only *13* days away!
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony says they're still trying to check on Ric Flair. They restart the music because they miss the cue. Bobby Heenan is out, by the way.
EMERY HALE v. BARRY WINDHAM - still to come tonight - Page/Hart for the US title! Scott Hall in action! Do you wonder why they don't bother to let us in on this stuff until 95 minutes into the show? I mean, hell, tell me there's Page/Hart in the first five minutes and I'll STAY TUNED to watch that match! How simple is THAT? Tony says it's his sole job to tell us Ric Flair's condition when updates are given. Or maybe I heard that wrong. Nah, probably not. Remember how Emery Hale was, like, pretty good last week? Well, he wasn't this week. (superplex 1:32)
WCW/NWO Superstar Series sweepstakes on wcw.com is hyped again.
THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY (powder blue) v. PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN - Did I *really* see a "Norman Smiley World Order" sign? And what's Ric Flair's condition? Tonight, one of the most explosive main events EVER in the history of Nitro with that gigantic triangle match! Lockup, to the side headlock for Smiley, Saturn reverses, Smiley reverses, Saturn reverses, inside cradle for 2. That looks better than I describe it, obviously. Lockup, back to the side headlock, Smiley steps on the knee to take him down, wrenches the arm, Saturn turns it over, Smiley with an overhead into a bridge and gets 2 again. Lockup, Saturn to the arm wringer, shoulderblocks, Saturn does the same move Smiley did, headscissors to a pinning position, Smiley rolls over and then stands up with effort, Saturn still holding on. Hold breaks, Saturn with a quick pinfall attempt. Nice bit of mat wrestling and submission style that I'm so not used to that my play-by-play totally bites the big one. What's the crowd chanting? And did the sound guys turn it down and pipe in a totally different crowd? Nutty. Smiley with a slap on the back and he's going to the dance as Saturn fumes. Saturn grabs Smileya dn puts him in the corner and wails away with a lot of rights. Now stomps. Now an admonition from referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. "I'll have to ask you to PLEASE keep your hands offa me!" "No problem." Heh. Whip into the opposite corner, reversal, duck, gobehind, belly to back suplex and Smiley takes a powder (blue). Saturn goes out after him and brings him back in. Whip, head down, Smiley kicks, big slam, back to the dance. Smiley on the knee. Waistlock gobehind - DROPS him on his ... own legs? Huh. Here's CAT & SONNY ONOO for God knows why. Oh, they like the man's dance. OK. Anyway, Saturn finally snaps, takes out Smiley, takes out Onoo and the Cat. Smiley reels backward from another hit and Robinson takes a SPECTACULAR flip bump. Here's a T-bone Tazplex - picked up for the Spicolli Driver but the Cat is in to kick him - referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson is out and saw that for sure. Smiley covers - Dickinson puts on a 3 count at the speed of light and calls for the bell (4:57) - we are reminded that last week Saturn gave Dickinson a Death Valley Driver and this is a bit of payback from the referee. Holy shit, CONTINUITY! I like that VERY much! Tony goes ballistic over Dickinson's actions. Replays are sponsored by 1-800-COLLECT, so call someone who cares. I might add that Cat does the robot dance pretty well, too. Tony mentions that Dickinson and Tenay are good friends, causing Tenay to take umbrage, while Brain stirs the pot. Tony says "Absurd!" with righteous indignation about a thousand times.
WCW comes to a town near YOU! Well, if you live near Palmetto, Columbia, Charlotte for THUNDER!, or Kansas City.
Gene O. says "shank of the evening" and brings out BRET HART. Tony refers to the booing as "unmerciless." I *still* say his music sounds like Love & Rockets' "Body and Soul." Hart reminds us that he wiped out Randy Savage, Sting, Booker T., and fails to mention Chris Benoit. He's got a pulled groin but he's a fightin' Champion, yessuh. He's a three-time US Champion, the best there is, the best there was, and the best that there ever will be, the greatest of all time, and to prove what a swell guy he is, he'll give Page another title shot, if he isn't too busy hiding behind Kimberly's skirt. Oops, I guess they WEREN'T supposed to mention that earlier. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE walks out - but before he gets too far, there's NO-SMOKIN' GIANT with a chair and he WAFFLES him. Then he rips the "WC" from the giant WCW - picks up Page and chokeslams him through the stage behind the logo. THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING I'D EVER SEEN. We even get a replay, make that two, from various interesting angles. Reaction shot from Hart is also amusing.
Damn, it's sad really. Hour two was really, really good and Did Not Suck, but if you watched hour one and then switched to RAW you'd never know it. Would it KILL to put some Cool Stuff in hour one? I guess we were supposed to be happy to have the Flair deal, I don't know. It just seems a little demeaning to the Man, so it didn't sit well with me. Well, stick with me, baby, we've got one more hour to get through before we can make a final decision.
TV-PG-DV box shows us Wade Boggs again, and there's Mike Alstott, who plays for that team that the Packers can't beat on Monday night. Sigh. FLAIR HOUR FLAIR THREE FLAIR FIREWORKS ("BURN - BURN - BURN - BURN")
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Giant and Page - well, read the paragraph up there if you really want to relive it again.
The Wolfpack theme plays but no one comes out - the camera goes backstage to see Konnan dissin' Disco Inferno - oh boy, he said "Hard Knock Life" again! He's so contemporary! Remember, Disco wants to be a part of the Wolfpack, ok.
KONNAN (with a baseball guy and a football guy) v. STEVIE RAY (with Booker T.) for the World Television Championship - Konnan has a different Devil Ray and a different Buccaneer. Ray asks Booker T. to watch his match and also watch his back. As soon as the bell rings, Stevie is pounding and kicking away, pausing to point out to Booker T. that this is how it's done. Konnan sidesteps a charge, punches, and punches, and then shakes his balls, and punches, whip, tumblin' clothesline, snapmare, seated dropkick, Stevie rolls out and then has a confrontation with Wade Boggs. Heh, he called him a "sellout." Hey, Stevie shaved off the facial hair! Back in, Konnan pounding, whip, head down, kick from Ray. Scoop and a slam. Second rope - nope, Konnan is up and shaking his balls. Stevie punches him, ha! Whip, reverse, whip, leapfrog, catches him, kick, face dropped on the knee. Stevie Ray is now my favourite wrestler IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Stevie rubs his face in the mat, and Booker is up on the apron to say he's going to far. Stevie takes out the blackjack - Booker takes it away from him and says "you don't need it, just pin him!" Whip, duck under, duck clothesline, Konnan kicks him and hits a facebuster. 1, 2, 3. (3:07) Konnan walks off - and, what, we're not going to see if anything comes out of this between the two brothers? No? No.
Another WCW/NWO Superstar Series video contest plug and I'm not giving the URL out again, nope, so if you want to win the Sweepstakes, go find the website up there. Oh, if you win, take me with you, thanks.
So, like, they did another "Hard Time" ad and I didn't see Roddy Piper again.
Promotional consideration paid for by Electronic Hot Shot Basketball, XG2 from Acclaim, "Armageddon" on video (again), America (ha!) Online, 1-800-HAIR-CLUB, and NFL Quarterback '99 from Acclaim.
George Steinbrenner and Warren Sapp are also in the house.
The worst segment that ever aired on this fine program was "NWO Nitro," and the theme music from that show brings CRACKA EAZY-E to the ring and also reminds us of the spectacular moment in time. But this isn't the Eric we all know and hate, no, this is REAL-LIFE Eric, with his glasses and fuzzy top. He's also kinda somber. "Can I just have your attention please? Earlier, ah, tonight...we do what we do to entertain fans around the world...and different people that I talk to in the course of my business ask me about how real our business is and how real what they see is, and we talk a lot about injuries and we talk a lot about situations, and sometimes it's a little difficult to explain, but injuries are real, and sometimes, they're serious, and Ric Flair, who has been in this business a long time, and who has done more in so many ways in this industry than perhaps even I have given him credit for, in and out of the ring, suffered what appears to be, ah, we hope, a mild, heart attack. And I just wanna say to the friends, particularly to the family of Ric F-Flair that I'm sorry...I ask...for your forgiveness...and for the forgiveness or the fans of Ric Flair around the country...Ric Flair does deserve a tremendous amount of credit and respect." (cheers) "I am profoundly sorry for any pain that I've caused to Ric Flair's family, and hopefully I'll get a chance to look your children in the eye and apologise, to look your beautiful wife Beth in the eye and say 'I'm sorry' and hopefully we'll see you back in action again, doing what you do so well. Thank you."
By the way, it's a work.
Gene O. brings out BOOKER T. - I forgot to mention it earlier, but he's STYLIN' as usual. Booker sends prayers to Flair and his family (oh, come on), "as far as my brotha goes, you know when I was hurt, I went down from a knee injury, he made his choice. His choice was to join the NWO Black & White, that's all good. If he wanta do that, go ahead and do it brah, but I'm gon' do my thing..." STEVIE RAY comes out and says T. should consider praying for himself - these people don't care about him, the people in the tower don't care about him. Booker T. MADE him join the NWO. If it weren't for Booker T. deserting him, they would STILL be the greatest tag team in the world. "I'm the guy that got you in this business! ... Harlem Heat was right here, and you know that!" Booker T. makes fun of his outfit and says he needs to change clothes - and throws him an NWO T-shirt. Okerlund asks Booker T. what he makes of that, and T. is silent. "I don't know, man," and he walks off.
We go backstage where a woman is being held up by Security, asking to see his son Scott. "Who?" "Raven." Apparently, she fired up her Lear jet and flew down JUST to see Raven. Kanyon appears and confirms that it is Raven's mom. "Raven isn't here, but I can take you to him. It's gonna cost you fifty dollars though." "Khris, I am NOT paying you to take me to see my son!" "Khris, why didn't you CALL me?" and we fade away. Hey, you know what I was thinking that Nitro needed more of? That's RIGHT! WRESTLER'S MOMS!
The Carnival Bruise Cruise '99 is four days of heaven. Buff Bagwell and the Nitro Girls will be there, and so can YOU! 17-21 May! ORDER NOW! I'm probably not going, if that affects your decision.
SCOTT HALL v. HORACE (hogan) - Hall with the toothpick, Horace with the slap. Lockup, wristlock by Horace, Hall reverses and does the shoulderthings. Over the top to the canvas, to the arm wringer and he's paintbrushing the bald head! Horace breakes us from the usual Hall machine routine with a clothesline that takes Hall out of his boots. Right, chop (wooo!), whip, reversal and Hall follows it with a clothesline. Chokeslam, Giant imitation. Hall is apparently okay after his altercation with Bigelow. Horace takes Hall over the rope to the floor. He's pretty slow to get up, and when he does, Horace flattens him again with a tope. YEAH! Try to do THAT, Uncle Hollywood! Thrown back in, Horace follows and puts the boots to him. Short clothesline. Big backbreaker. Splash for 2. Bodyslam by Horace. LEGDROP! 1, 2, kickout? How is that possible? NOBODY kicks out of the legdrop! Well anyway. Whip, sleeper applied by Horace. Tony says that he's "never gonna forget this night." Well, until next week. Hall is finally fighting back - turns in, suplex. Both men down. Count it on from referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. We're at 5. 6. 7. Horace manages to cover but only gets 2. Hall with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Again. Punch, discus punch and Horace goes down. Fallaway slam, yup. I'm guessing something's gonna happen here. Well, here you go. There's SCOTT NORTON, BRIAN ADAMS, VINCENZO and STEVIE RAY. (DQ 6:27) Amazingly, four men ARE better than one. The save is made by - DISCO INFERNO? He's wearing a Wolfpack tank top, which causes some consternation - anyway, Norton powerbombs him and that's over. We leave those two lying as we take the break.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321!
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!
VAN HAMMER v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Bagwell and NWO Ref) - Hammer has shaved, too - must be a new trend sweeping WCW! Much like Scott Steiner appearing in the final quarter hour. Hammer goes for Buff and Steiner attacks from behind. This match is about as exciting as you might expect. (Steiner recliner submission 1:24) Afterwards we are treated to another thrilling Steiner interview. He does manage to pronounce both the "H" in "homage," and "calculated" as "kakulated" before calling out THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE to the ring. Buff takes the mic and says that Lex is giving a lot more then he's getting. He mentions that he's seen that Konnan video until he's felt like puking (like what, once?) - where was Lex? All those Kevin Nash commercials - where was Lex? Sting went out to Cali to be a movie star - where was Lex? Who threw Lex over the top rope at World War 3? Nash. The shirt is offered. Lex walks off, but you have to wonder if he's thinking about it...
It's three minutes to the hour, how exciting do you think this'll be?
BAM BAM BIGELOW v. BIG POOCHIE (with the book) v. (bill "no record provided") GOLDBERG in a triangle match - "Triangle" meaning "three angles-" eh? eh? Get it? Bigelow comes out to a thunderclap and wearing his standard black 'n' grey ensemble, Nash out to the Wolfpack theme. Hey, why did the camera pick up that GAYBERG sign? Hey, who's that Lynyrd Skynyrd guy? Hey, is this the first time in forever that we didn't see Goldberg walk from his locker room to the ring? Hey, is all the time gone? Probably. Nash is grinning like an idiot. Match starts and they do...nothing. Bigelow tears apart Goldberg while Nash watches with glee. Whip, splash. Whip, Goldberg comes out with a clothesline and a back kick. Into overtime. Nash breaks the pinfall count. Nash takes Goldberg and gives the knees in the gut - framed elbow. Right hand, Bigelow with elbows while Nash punches. Goldberg fights out...okay. Bigelow hits from behind to stop that rally. Goldberg headbutts Bigelow but Nash eyepokes him. Double whip, Nash runs through a double clothesline and takes both men out with a double clothesline of his own (well). Both men roll out. Both men stalk around the outside - Nash is up on the apron, back in the ring. Bigelow paces on the outside and now he's in. Nash and Goldberg both hit Bigelow, then Nash takes Goldberg down for 1. Sidewalk slam for 2 and Bigelow saves (?). Bigelow takes Goldberg and bodyslams him. Cool Bigelow headbutt for 2 (kickout AND save). Nash takes Goldberg but Goldberg takes him down and tries a submission leghold. Bigelow with another drop headbutt on Goldberg and breaks the hold. Whip, shoulderblock takes Goldberg down (!). Suplex attempt blocked, Goldberg suplexes Bigelow! Spear on Bigelow! Nash is favoring his knee and axehandles Goldberg before we see if he can jackhammer Bigelow. Nash with rights. Goldberg with the double leg takedown again and a hail of rights. Nash pokes the eyes again. Whip, big leg ducked, spear! Bigelow is up but Goldberg clotheslines him. Goldberg signals for the jackhammer - but SCOTT HALL is in. (yeah, THERE'S your no run-in) Bigelow and Hall go at it and it ends with Hall clotheslining Bigelow out of the ring. Nash and Goldberg are eye to eye. Now they're going at it! Don't wait for Starrcade, have it now! Well, we're fading out, with Nash and Goldberg in the ring and Hall and Bigelow out.