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/11 January 1999

WCW Nitro




I GET LETTERS: Maximoff offers: Leave it to WCW to come up with this solution to the ratings war. IMO the ratings went down because WCW had too many predictable short main events with screwjob endings that ended with a predictable, overdone NWO run-in, so what do they do this time? They have a predictable short screwjob main event that ends with an overdone predictable NWO run in.

Last week, about a MILLION people wrote me to tell me that Buff wasn't doing a Flair dance, it was a "Dirty Bird" Falcons dance, and that they were making fun of DAN REEVES' heart problems. Is is just that I make so few glaring errors that when I do, there's a RUSH of people who are DYING to tell me I'm wrong? Still, I thank you for the corrections. There were too many of you to note publicly, but Mike (or was it Mitch?) No Last Name and Tara Calishain were in a dead heat for first.

ALSO, a lot of people asked me why I didn't come down harder on Tony Schiavone for his incredibly lame Foley bashing during last week's commentary. I guess I just don't care anymore. Ha! Actually, I played it subtle, which was more fun for me but apparently not for you, the reader, who wanted to see me treat Tony like he was Konnan's Music Video's second coming. Well, sorry. If Tony is lame this week I'll try harder (hmm, wonder if THAT'll happen). But Schiavone, a friendly warning: It may be true that ANY publicity is good publicity, but you are in GRAVE danger of overplaying your hand. If *I* stop caring (and I'm obviously dangerously close), and you lose even the BAD PR, you'll be out slinging hash with Lee Marshall and discussing etymology of "garboon" and things like that. Ah, I'm only kidding, Tony - you KNOW I'll always point out the lame things you say. Keep up the fine work!

Only three hours to go - TV-PG-DV clip from THUNDER! has a rare Hollywood Hogan appearance closed captioned and tonight, we're going to find out what backup is all about.

LIVE from the Moldy UT Arena in Knoxville, TN, it's MONDAY NITRO! broadcast on Turner Network Television in same-day-vision 11.1.99. Let's immediately go to the ring

GENE O. works tonight! Gene gets cheap heat by mentioning the National Championship for the Vols. Time to REALLY get the ball rolling as THE MAN is called out to talk about things. Flair is President of WCW, recall. "Mean Gene, Bischoff used to say to me, don't go out there and go meeeean Geeeeene anymore, I'm tired of hearing it, so Bischoff, this is for you - MEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN WOOOO BY GOD WOOOO BY GOD GENE WOOOO! I love the part about the National Championship, but in this town, you gotta talk about the Lady Volunteers too. Woooo!" Flair and 19-year-old Big Dave are gonna get a piece of Windham and Hennig at Souled Out, woooo. Big surprises afoot, sayeth Flair: Hogan may be Champion, but he IS signed up through 2001. He's not going into movies, he's not going to the White House, he's going to work for Flair and Ted Turner. Flair announces that he's reinstated J.J. DILLON as Chairman of the Executive Committee with a new company car and a female limo driver. Dillon mentions that we finally have a president that dresses like a president - Hogan's first title defense will be at SuperBrawl (hmm, that's more than 30 days) - they won't reveal the opponent, but it WILL be selected by the Executive Committee and not by the New World Order. Dillon announces that there's a main event settled for Souled Out - a Coal Miner's Taser, Ladder match. Gene ruins the story by revealing that Goldberg is the opponent for Scott Hall before Dillon mentions it. Finally, Flair calls out the Latino World Order and the LWO is out, led by Juvi and missing Eddie and his bodyguard. Flair says that they need to get back on the WCW bandwagon - Flair will give them money, cars, women, all they need to do is take off the shirts and give them to him. Everybody can't get their shirts off fast enough (huh) except, strangely enough, Rey Mysterio Jr. (HUH.) Oh, and finally, Flair books himself with Curt Hennig tonight. Replay of earlier shows Rey walking off wearing his LWO shirt. Where's THAT goin'? Hmmm.

Let's take a Special Video Look at - TRADITION. "As I walk down that aisle, it reeks of tradition." Flair, Thesz, Strongbow, Anderson (all of 'em), Mr. Wrestling (II?), Blanchard, people before my time, Funk (some of 'em) hey was that Ron Simmons? as we hear excerpts from some of Flair's previous weeks' interviews. Not bad.

Souled Out is 17 January - that's SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. Tonight - Flair/Hennig! Nash/Giant! Schiavone announces that Eric Bischoff has been relieved of duties commentary-wise (thank goodness) and later tonight we'll see some of the meetings from last week and some of his NEW job (whatever that is).

Let us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Rey Mysterio beats up LWO folks (huh?) followed by the NWO walking in and destroying everybody - everybody, that is, except Rey, who gets a free pass from Nash for an unknown reason. Wait, I think Nash was saying "remember how we were gonna put you in the Wolfpack but never got around to it?"

Gene O. welcomes PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN to the ring. Hopefully he'll hit on him during this interview. Saturn hits on Flair instead ("how can I follow THAT?" Hey, he wants to do him in the butt! I KNOW he does!) Saturn says that last week Chris Jericho and Scott Dickinson conspired to screw him in their match last week and he wants a rematch. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & RALPHUS walk out - Jericho calls him "PS" which is funny. Then he throws a "Gene Mean" out and I can't stop laughing. Jericho says that twice he's had his hand raised in matches with Saturn. Jericho says that Saturn's whining and crying like a schoolgirl - he should be wearing a dress, in fact - hey, that gives him an idea. He'll give him a rematch, but if he beats him a third time, Saturn will have to wear a dress for the rest of his career. Saturn raises eyebrows by saying "I do a lot of things, but drag isn't one of them." Jericho calls himself the greatest showman in WCW, the leader and role model of the Jerichoholics, and if he wants the rematch, he has to accept the stip. Saturn bites. "...a man with your manly, massive ego will never, EVER be able to handle wearing a dress in the center of the ring, because you don't have the personality for it, you don't have the Attitude for it, and most of all, you don't have the legs for it, Daddy-O! Let's go Ralphus." Saturn promises there's no way he's losing this match.

PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN v. THREE TIME WORLD CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) - interestingly (or not) enough, SCOTT DICKINSON appears in the walkway to tell RANDY ANDERSON that J.J. Dillon needs to see him in the back, but don't worry, he'll ref the match. It's all Saturn at the start, but we all know it doesn't matter with that EVIL REF in there. The thing is, Dickinson calls is right down the middle, forcing a break at the 5 count - Saturn turns to Dickinson and Cat takes him down. Tony tells Dickinson he needs to call it down the middle, which, you incredibly lame - oh, don't you mind, is EXACTLY what he's doing. Thrown outside, Cat distracts him long enough for Onoo to get in his requisite shots. Tony calls Saturn "a Real Man's Man" for my amusement. Cat is doing the kicks with the karate and all. 2 count seems a LITTLE fast but the commentators proclaim it "normal." An attack on the leg continues but Saturn gets up with a weird face so it must be time to come back. He puts the boots up to stop a charge, there's a takeover, there's a slam - Saturn to the top rope? Sure, why not. Frog splash! Get well Eddie! But as Saturn covers, Dickinson has found his way over to Onoo and is having a hearty discussion about the price of Yahoo! stock in Japan. Saturn, of course, stupidly walks over and puts his hands on Dickinson, spinning him around, so it's no surprise that even though CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO comes in and waffles him with the shovel Konnan used to steal his World Television title, he was *already* disqualified (4:28). Jericho has brought a frumpy frock to the ring with him and as Dickinson looks on and makes no attempt to stop him, Jericho tries to put it in Saturn. Dickinson actually LEAVES the ring. Hey, you know what would be perfect here? WRESTLING REFS!

Clip from last week's THUNDER! where Flair demands Bischoff attend a little meeting with him, Schiller, and Turner first thing Friday morning.

Opening Credits (or as I like to call them, Half Hour After Opening Credits)

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the kind courtesy of Wendy's Super Value Menu. I DARE you to go into a Wendy's, order a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, and offer to give them a penny for it. Say "keep the change." Then when they give you a look, tell them "but up there it says .99c - isn't that 99/100 of a cent?" Then tell them to TRY to be a little more careful about stupid promotional blunders.

Nitro Girls calendar ad.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! I got an email telling me not to make fun of Whisper anymore. But LOOK at her!

Thank GOD there were cameras on hand to chronicle Eric Bischoff's meeting with Flair. There's a different car in his parking spot. His card key doesn't work. This is like a skit, isn't it? I love how the guy treats him like he doesn't know who he is, but keeps calling him "Mr. Bischoff." Flair makes him wait, that's funny. Apparently, his receptionist has been replaced with a Flair receptionist or something. Bischoff puts the badmouth on Jim Ross in a random moment. "They couldn't put 400 people in a building if they were giving away money!" Later, "Mr. Flair will see you now." One of the people that Eric treated wrong, apparently. Bischoff is led to his own (former) office where Flair sits behind the desk. Flair asks Bischoff if he had anything to do with the whole Nash/Hogan thing last Monday. Bischoff denies. Flair says he has some plans for Hogan and Nash, but he's not going to tell Eric what they are - but in the next 90 days, he's going to make his life miserable. He give Bischoff a cardboard box with all his stuff and says he wants to show him his next venture. Flair calls off the limo and tells Eric he's working for the driver of the truck that carries the ring to Nitro. He's gonna set up the ring. "Go get 'em Eazy-E!" Did Bischoff forget his box of goodies? Of course, there's a redneck driving the truck, which means we get to see Eric do his redneck impersonation. Coming up later tonight - MORE of this hilarity! Can you wait? Uh.

Gene O. brings out CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. con Pepe - apparently, it's ol' Chavo's birthday - there's a cake on a table. Chavo gives a well wish to Eddie, then it's time for the fun and games. Oh, wait, it's PEPE'S birthday. Chavo and Gene lead the crowd into a singing of "Happy Birthday to You" to Pepe - oh for the love of - well, THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY comes out to stop the song. Smiley says he's hurt that the party was planned without him, and he wants to make amends with Pepe. Now, of course, you can't say no to a guy with a cool accent, but Chavo manages to decline. Smiley offers the Hand of Friendship, and Chavo says no. Chavo asks Pepe, who says okay (apparently). "That's all I'm asking is a chance." Of course, whenever a cake is out there - OH he leveled him. And here comes a schoop slam (not on the cake) - head to the barricade. And - YES! - head to the cake. Chavo tried to block it but the second time's the charm. And now Smiley's mashing his face in the cake. SLAM ON THE TABLE! which doesn't not break. "Happy birthday Pepe!" A bit of the dance and the cake is tossed onto Chavo. Then he takes Pepe and rides away - he - he rides away on Pepe. This is surreal beyond compare, i'n't it.

We go backstage to see Smiley riding Pepe. Apparently, he ALSO thinks Pepe is real. Good Lord, there's a WOOD CHIPPER out there. That Norman Smiley thinks of EVERYTHING. Well, it's always a shame when they die on their birthday. Rest in peace, Pepe.

Bruise Cruise '99 spot.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, and Lean Pockets (from Hot Pockets).

WCW goes on sale for Minneapolis for Nitro, Cleveland, Buffalo for Nitro, and Lakeland THIS WEEK!

Tony isn't sarcastic here, but he sums up tonight on Nitro, and WCW in general: "Well, Eric Bischoff is putting up the ring, we've tried to put a dress on Saturn, we've sung happy birthday to a stick horse and destroyed him, what's next? Oh *I* know what, let's check in on Raven!"

Raven and Jim (who looks like he could have been Sandman a long time ago) talk about Kanyon, which leads to Scotty looking for his high school yearbook in the garage - and coming up with a lot of pictures of... Roddy Piper... You know, I know everybody flipped their lids when they saw Jim last Thursday, but I think I see where this is going, and I am SURE I won't like it. But that's my bias.

About a half dozen Harleys flank a black limo which means it's four minutes until RAW starts and time to bring on YOU KNOW WHO. The guys still wearing white logo shirts meet the guys in the red logo shirts - apparently, they had communication problems and that's why they weren't on the limo. Apparently, Hogan's Harley riding friends are the HELL'S ANGELS, and they are going to be the "backup" in question. "We have never witnessed anything such as this in the history of Nitro!" This reminds me of a DOA match for some reason, only those aren't Beautiful Titan Bikes. Aw shucks, Nash's mic doesn't work. Too bad Hogan gets a mic that DOES work. Hasn't Hogan won 11 titles now? (5 WWF, 5 WCW, 1 IWGP) Hogan says he'll be President AND World Heavyweight Champion - ugh. We turned the hour in here somewhere. "If this is Big Orange country, why's everyone wearing black and red tonight?" Nash should probably look to Big Orange standing next to him, ha! Nash has words for Giant, yup. Steiner gets the mic and says if Schiavone calls Page "the People's Champion" one more time, he's gonna puke. 'parently there's a TV title match tonight. Steiner is gonna steal Page's wife afterwards or something. Hogan name drops all his Hell's Angels friends, then says "4 life." Where was Bret Hart during all of this? Coming up - Steiner/Page! Hennig/Flair! Nash/Giant!

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Nitro and the most exciting main event EVER. Go read last week's report, I'm not gonna relive it for your entertainment - much as I love you. I will point out that last week I missed Steiner getting egged, so I'll mention it this week. After the show went off the air, a lot of Atlanta Falcons joined Goldberg in the ring (hey, where were those guys while he was gettin' his ass kicked?)

That first hour - ONE match. Screwjob, too.

WCW/NWO Magazine ad - exciting coverage of Hogan's retirement! (Oops.)

Closed captioning where available brought to you by JollyTime popcorn! (What's that?)

REY MYSTERIO, JR. v. KAZ HAYASHI - Rey comes out to Eddy's theme and wearing the LWO shirt - Tony decides that he's STILL defying the rest of the LWO by staying in when they all jump out. Huh? This match could be good. Side headlock by Kaz - to the ropes, off we go, shoulderblock by Hayashi. Back and forth, flip, dive, duck, spin, 'rana by Rey. Right hand, whip is reversed, Rey's spin move in the ropes - up and over we go, big kick from Hayashi, to the top rope - missile dropkick and he lands on his feet! Whip, Rey goes up and over so Kaz chops him. Whip, reverse, Rey kicks the back of his knee and Kaz goes through the ropes. SOMERSAULT PLANCHA! Back in, head scissors, into the corner, whip, up and over - THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE is out to confuse us - he grabs HAYASHI and pummels him - whip into the barricade (DQ 1:55) and now Luger is in the ring. Luger tells Rey to take the shirt off and Rey declines. So Luger boots him in the gut and throws an eblow. Then Luger takes the shirt off himself. Toss over the rope - Rey lands on his feet on the apron - springboard dropkick! Rey to the top rope - plancha! Rana - no, Luger stops him. Backbreaker. Slam, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, this is the most action I've EVER seen from Luger. Punching. Torture Rack time. On Mysterio it actually looks like it hurts, ha! I HATE KONNAN is out and he convinces Luger to break the hold. Konnan gives the "wussup" speech and Luger tells him that he's not supposed to be wearing that shirt. BIG POOCHIE comes out and Konnan gives *him* a "wussup" speech. Nash takes the mic and says "Konnan - LET ME SPEAK ON DIS!" and the NWO administer the beatdown. THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH EVER! Hall administers the taser, which does not affect anybody holding onto Konnan. The spraypaint is applied as the crowd chants "We want Sting." Well, that doesn't fit in with the story, so YOU DON'T GET STING. So Konnan's out. I hope you bought that T-shirt when you had the CHANCE!

Mortal Kombat is NEXT! (well, in 100 minutes)

Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Hogan has a problem with Giant - he dropped the ball in the Flair/Bischoff match and it's his fault Flair's in charge. So he and Nash are gone have a match, yup.

Gene O. brings out NO SMOKIN' GIANT to talk up that big match all the kids are talking about. Giant is not wearing any NWO gear. Why's he breathin' so hard in this interview? This isn't just about him and Nash - it's about him and Hogan. No AHHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAM though.

LENNY LANE v. BOOKER T. - Hmm, I wonder who's gonna win THIS one. (Harlem sidekick -> pin 3:55) Well, it took three matches and 90 minutes, but here's your clean finish. I think Lane has it in his contract that he MUST wrestle a match every time they're in Knoxville. Amazingly, "Blind" Scott Dickinson makes NO controversial calls in this squash.

Clip from a very early THUNDER! where Giant demolishes the ring - THAT was cool. And then we never saw that set again. Boy they're really building up the Giant to make Nash look good when he squashes him.

WCW MasterCard ad.

"Hollywood & Kevin Nash: A Special Moment" - bringing back the nostalgia and love for NWO black and white herky-jerky cuts editing crappy dialogue clips from hell.

One more shot of the Treacherous Three - Tony asks how, if Flair is in charge of the company, we have to still watch clips like that last one. Oh oh, Tony is trying to become his own man! Quick, feed him a stupid line and MAKE him say it! Tony talks about the Atlanta Falcons. Whew! They talk about the Hell's Angels and we go to a clip from Earlier Tonight. What, are they AHEAD OF SCHEDULE and NEED to kill time here? And WHY isn't Heenan out yet? Tony says he believes that the NWO is as strong as it's ever been. Geez, Tony, don't tell FLAIR you said that.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff is the Stuff) for the World Television Title - Champ comes out first, and we are "treated" to an extended sequence of a random audience member fondling Scotty's pecs. Page has walking pneumonia - which must explain why he's walking so funny. Page walks out through the crowd, 'cause he's a suck-up. In the process, he infects about 144 and there will probably be 3 deaths by pneumonia as a result, take THAT - BANG! I guess Heenan has the night off. Referee is "Blind" Charles Robinson because, although it is an unsafe working environment, there is so much PRESTIGE that comes from officiating a title match on Nitro. Feeling out process, posedown, they haven't moved within ten feet of each other. Bagwell gets the mic (why is he wearing a Falcons cap?) and asks the crowd to shut up. Shoving match is broken up with Steiner threatening Robinson. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Steiner. Pose from Steiner whee! Lockup, arm wringer by Page - Hall-like "patented shoulder drives." Steiner with a hairpull to break it up - Page up, slap, slap the other way. Page off the ropes, down goes Stiener, up and over, dueling hiptoss attempts, swinging neckbreaker from Page. Steiner rolls out. How did Page ever become a face anyway? Buff and Steiner have a conference - Steiner back in, Buff on the apron - Page with a punch on Steiner, punch for Bagwell who's come in. Atomic drop for Steiner, repeat for Buff, double clothesline. Set on the top turnbuckle - Buff holds on and Page goes flying. Clothesline-alike from the top and Page goes down. Steiner kicks a field goal. Thrown to the outside, Buff puts on a choke. Steiner out now. Whip into the barricade. Kick from Steiner. But wait, Steiner's getting PNEUMONIA! Back in we go - Buff has the mic again and leads a mocking DDP chant. Off the ropes, Steiner with the clothesline. Elbowdrop for 2. Choke on the second rope. Now Buff is getting the choke on while Steiner ties up with the ref. Belly to belly, but only 2. Steiner takes umbrage at the count and thinks about choking the ref. Rear chinlock is on Page. Elbow driven into the small of the back. More poundin'. Where's Rick Steiner anyway? "DDP" chant, stupid fans. Repeated fists by Steiner. Page miraculously gets up and wails away. Whip, foot up though, Steinerline. Steiner does some pushups just for grins. Page punches, Steiner rakes the face. Thrown out AGAIN. Bagwell continues to beat on him while the ref is distracted. This match will NEVER end. Back in we go. Whip, Page puts a foot up, is caught, but there's a discus punch as he gets spinned, 1, 2, no. Steiner with a jawbreaker. Cover, 1, 2, shouldabeen 3 but he waited for him. Butterfly suplex for 2. Hip thrusts into Page's face - oh no, you've made him mad. Whip is reversed an Page puts up a boot. Atomic drop. Discus clothesline. Faceslam! VINCENZO is out but the ref is somehow holding him back? Anyway, Steiner pushes Page into the Robinson, who takes another trademark bump, now some powder is out - Page takes a faceful. Steiner pushes *Vincent* into Page, who is happy to give the Diamond Cutter. Now Steiner has the chair and he's hitting him good. Steiner recliner on the comatose Page - Robinson is revived and calls for the bell (10:22) I wonder how Vincent feels about having to take one for the team? 10-10-321 supplies the replay because ten minutes can't CONTAIN all this action!

Goldberg interview. He made a mistake, going into the match at Starrcade thinking it was going to be one on one. But he earned an education - he will learn from that mistake. And it will never happen again. Yeah, you'll neve get another title shot - oops.

Let Us Take You Back to "Earlier Today" as Eric Bischoff helps set up the ring - ha ha, that Klondike Bill is sure an ornery fella. This segment goes on for like four hours. Sample dialogue: "You're giving me a headache!" "Well take an aspirin if you're getting a headache!" Tony is laughing like a fool when we come back, go figure. Hey, Heenan's out! Tony wants to see it AGAIN. NO!!!!

Let Us Take You Back to a Washed-out colour version of some Starrcade clips where Scott Hall used the taser to help Kevin Nash take the title from Goldberg. And here's some clips of Nitro where Luger turned to join the new & improved NWO Wolfpack. And here's Hall using the taser again. Well, the main event for Souled Out is a ladder match with a taser suspended from the ceiling, and if you can't wait for that, well...

No, it's NOT worth seeing again. Clip of Eric and Klondike Bill playing with ring ropes.

SCOTT HALL (HE'S NOT DA MOUNTIE) v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - Hall asks the crowd who wants to see Goldberg get one more shot with the taser for his survey. Surprisingly, he does NOT bring it out with him for this match. Before Bieglow enters, we take a break.

Bigelow still has no music, which means he's not a member of WCW (right?) - I think. Why are they having this match again? Toothpick for Bigelow, Bigelow floors him with pne punch. Headlock by Hall after he gets up - Bigelow powers out and shoulderblocks him. Hall up again, circling. Hall with arm wringer, "shoulder drives" and Bigelow knocks him down AGAIN while Tony assumes that Bigelow must be part of WCW since we keep seeing him. Get back to me on that. Hall wants the test of strength - no, he wants to deliver an eyepoke. Hall rains down the punches and the kicks, whip, follow lariat, kick, punch, kick, whip, reverse, big avalanche splash by the Beast from the East. Diving headbutt misses. Hall with a right. Whip into the corner, Bigelow puts up a boot, clothesline, clothesline, half hour suplex, 1, 2, foot on the rope. DISCO INFERNO has appeared at ringside for no apparent reason - oh, he's got a taser. Meanwhile, WRATH is out, and he pushes Bigelow off the top turnbuckle. Bigelow knocks HIM out with one punch (nice to see ya Wrath), grabs Hall for the finisher, but the taser's been passed - zzzzzzzzzap! 1, 2, 3. (3:40) Inferno and Hall walk out arm in arm. Replay shows Wrath grab a fistful of ass while Disco Inferno passes the taser to Hall.

Goldberg clip. Nash knew he was a defeated man. Hall's a loser. But the BIG surprise was Luger. That could have been the worst mistake of his life. WHATEVER. Hey Goldberg, you don't have the belt, buddy.

Well, Bigelow was just so mad from that whole hoohah that he's DEMANDED a match with Wrath! (He forgot to ask for a rematch with Hall, apparently) and JJ Dillon says it's own for Souled Out. Where's my piggy bank? I MUST ORDER SOULED OUT *NOW* - ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!

Clip of that fierce looking powerbomb on the Giant by Nash from last year.

Did we just go like two minutes between ad breaks?

Promotional consideration paid for by Lean Pockets, Arrid XX TotalSport, and Slim Jim!

WCW/NWO Bruise Cruise '99 promo. Get your picture taken with DOUG DELLINGER! Diamond Dallas Page will be there, too.

Hey look, the Nitro Girls!

ANOTHER ad break! Next time, put this in the middle of the Steiner/Page match for God's sake.


This portion of the Nitro festival of commercials and interviews is brought to you by SKITTLES! Taste the gay rainbow of fruit flavour!

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, to remind you that OCCASIONALLY on this fine program, there is wrestling.

CURT HENNIG (where's Rick Rude?) v. THE MAN - Hennig comes out to the NWO theme and not the Wolfpack theme, hmmm. These guys have so much history it's only natural that they give this event away on Nitro. Flair has apparently pulled some strings with the pyro guys - presidential perk! Randy Anderson is the referee, hmm, I wonder how impartial HE is. Hennig knocks him down, Flair pops back up. Hennig with a "woooo!" and Flair slaps him. Chain wrestling to the ropes - break - slap from Flair (woooo!) Hey is Barry Windham in the NWO? I forget. Lockup, to the corner, Hennig with a chop (woooo!), Flair reverses and HE chops (every notice how when FLAIR chops, nobody goes "woooo!"?) BARRY WINDHAM is out - DAVID FLAIR is out. Yeah, couldn't let this match go two minutes without the - AD BREAK? FUCK YOU, WCW!

Hennig is chopped down as we come back. Flair is punching with impudence - dancing - to the corner, Hennig reverses but eats an elbow. Flair to the top rope - that NEVER works - Hennig tosses him across the ring. Hennig going for the FIGURE FOUR! David is looking on anxiously. 1, 2, no, shoulder back up. Crowd comes to life - you know, all Flair has to do is REACH BACK to the rope - oh well, a big old punch to the nose will do just as well. Flair to the back of the knee. Knife-edge chop, Flair reverses, chops on his own (woooo!) a lot (woooo!) Flair flip after an Irish whip, taking out the camera. Hennig follows as David stands over his father. "Come on kid, do something!" Flair's head hits the barricade, but he fires back. Now they're toe to toe and exchanging punches in bunches. Finally Flair's had enough of this even stuff and Golotta's Hennig. Hennig's head meets a barricade. Chop (woooo!) and Hennig does his feet in the air bit. Back in the ring we go - hot shot from Flair. Vertical suplex to bring him in - it's good. Both men hit hard but Flair covers - 1, 2, no. Hennig off the ropes - their heads hit and both men are down. Crowd suddenly remembers they need to make a little noise - Flair with the ten punch count along - #10 being a chop (woooo!) - Hennig thrown over the top rope - David STARES at him, so Windham hits him from behind. David goes down like a ton of bricks. Ric runs outside and gets both guys, brings Hennig back in and clips the knee. Here's the figure four. Windham is in - takes out Flair (DQ 9:51) and the doubleteam is on. I wonder if any Horsemen are around...I guess we don't need them - David casually trips up both men as they come off the rope (hey David, show SOME emotion, woudlja?) then slides a chair in the ring to his father. The are-they-NWO guys bail and Ric encourages his son to take of his shirt.

Goldberg tells Scott Hall he's first. Or something.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! If they have another ad break after this...

Nope, here's MICHAEL BUFFER to commence festivities - as it's seven to the hour, he can take EXTRA long for his introductions. Did he just refer to the Volunteers as the "NC DOUBLE A CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE?" Let'sgetreadyto

NO SMOKIN' GIANT v. BIG POOCHIE (with Scott Hall) - Giant comes out to the NWO theme, then an ad break.

Souled Out Promo - well why the hell not

Nash comes out to the Wolfpack theme at two to the hour. Buffer read the exact same intro for Nash that he did last week, which sounds stupid now that he's technically turned heel. Thirty seconds of posing (wolfpack sign vs. chokeslam mime) Lockup, hairpull by Nash to the corner - Giant blocks a punch and hits a heabutt. Kick, kick, kick, kick, whip, follow lariat. Wouldn't it be cool if Giant won? Ha. Big slap. Whip is reversed and Nash hits a clothesline. Big boot. 1, 2, no. Elbowdrop by Nash but Giant powers out at 1. Nash occupies ref "Blind" Billy Silverman while Hall works on the choke. Nash with the big sitdown, twice. Right hand by Nash. Another right. Right hand. I would describe these blows as "measured." Repeated knees into the gut. Framed elbow. Are they phoning this in or is it just me? Foot on the throat while Hall sneaks up from behind to deliver a shot of his own as the ref tells Nash he needs to break. Nash with the bodyslam (!) Both men slow to get up but Nash is still in command. Big boot to the face. Finish him! MORTAL KOMBAT IS NEXT! Well, here comes the powerbomb attempt - Giant pushes him into the corner, hard. Big lariat from the Giant. Kick to the face - Hall is in but Giant punches him out before he can win by DQ. Another lariat for Nash. Nash whipped into the corner. Hall whipped into Nash. AVALANCHE SPLASH - big butt to both men, repeat - hip thrusts to the crowd and there's another one. Double noggin knocker with his own head! Nash rolls out, Hall is picked up and chokeslammed - meanwhile, Nash has a wrench - hmm, it looks like the one we've seen twice before earlier in those stupid clips - BIG WRENCH SHOT and the big tree falls. 1, 2, 3 (6:30) Amazingly enough, CRACKA EAZY-E has made his way to the commentary table, where he proclaims Nash "the big Corporate Giant." The NWO comes out to congratulate Nash on his big victory. So long, Giant! See ya in the WWF! Taser! Spraypaint! GOOD NIGHT!

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