Have you heard? Mike "MiCasa" Samuda is just a fan at heart. What
the HELL does THAT mean? Jesus, how long did it take them to come up with
THAT tag for his Monday report? Just a fan at heart.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SOMEBODY sure earns their money over at the Franchise!
That's as bad as the ones they come up with for MY stuff when they don't like the ones I put on the WM main page! "Hey, wait a minute! We can't put Oliver Postlethwaite's name on our WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs main page! We better CHANGE that! But...to what? Hey - how about 'Billy Gunn is like Brad Pitt with an attitude.' THAT'S **GENIUS!**"
QUICK QUOTE: SportsLine USA (SPLN) - 36 5/8 (+2 3/8) - get on the good foot! Must be that All-Star Game website all the kids are talking about. Oh, they are...trust me, they are.
Tishi Venturini is from Modesto, California and if you talk to anyone from Modesto they won't let you forget it
The first week Norman Smiley comes back somebody will be pitching a fit when I send out my Nitro recap
Who has four weeks in the "How long will CRZ put up with WrestleLine" pool?
Who has four weeks in the "How long will WrestleLine put up with CRZ" pool?
Who thinks Scott Keith...nah, it's not worth the effort
Who else thinks WrestleLine took away the Monday mailbag because all they get in email are complaints?
Who wishes I'd shut up and wrestle ... recap?
Who is "Deezer D." and why do I chuckle every time I see their name in the "ER" Credits right before Nitro?
YOU tell ME why they start Nitro with an ad encouraging you to watch Nitro. Maybe they had some production money to blow. If you ask me, telling me to "Don't Miss A Minute" of Nitro is certainly the type of thing that would make me say "IT'S OUT THERE!"
World Championship Wrestling - the David's a star - I mean...
LAST WEEK: "Bret Hart at the Crossroads" (oh, you just COULDN'T resist the urge to put "sensitive piano music" behind Hart, COULD you?) This video highlight reel is rated TV-PG-DV and closed captioned for the hearing impaired (eh? What's that?) Did anything else happen last week? Why, yes - "Goldberg's Back!" - not that he did anything. "Nash-Sid Showdown" - God, Nash is SUCH an annoying prick it's unbeLIEVable. Good Lord, you mean that's a fake Sting? No THUNDER! clips because they mess up the storyline - I guess.
LIVE from the Colesium in Jacksonville, FL 12.7.99 it's WCW NITRO! THREE SOLID HOURS OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ACTION! That's a lie and Tony knows it - so WHY does he say it? We have a brand new World Heavyweight Champion, but more about that later...
GENE O. works tonight! And he welcomes out the new Champeen, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE. Savage now has one more World title reign that Bret Hart, if you're keeping score at home. Signs in crowd: "I DROVE THE HUMMER" "NO, I DROVE THE HUMMER" - it may be an ominous sign that, just like seemingly every other time Savage wins the belt, they have failed to put Savage's name on the belt. The LAST time he won it, they took the name plate off - Savage defended the title that night - and lost to Hogan in about 16 minutes thanks to Bret Hart. THIS time they just leave the "Kevin Nash" nameplate on. Humm. Speak, Motch: "I told you, Gene Okerlund, I don't each and every one of the zillions of people allll around the world. Some people can accept it, and others can't. I am the baddest dude on the planet, 'cause I am the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, and I thank everybody for honouring me tonight. ... This is something I had to do myself, yeah, because I'm a self-made man. I'm the boss! Who's the boss? The Macho Man is the boss! ... No, you don't understand. Last night, in a tag team match, Sid Vicious was very vicious, and all I had to do was look across the ring into the eyes of Big Sexy Kevin Nash, and he was hypnotised! He couldn't handle the Madness, if you know where I'm coming from. But I will continue to do what I said I could do, and I came through, and when the chips were down, I'm the man that can close the deal. Tonight, I challenge ANYBODY ... let me say this again, I challenge ANYBODY - BUT - Kevin Nash Big Sexy, because he does not deserve a chance at the title because he is a zero in life, and I got his number, and his number is zero, so that's the deal, Mean Gene Okerlund. Meet the Macho Man Randy Savage, and I happen to be the World Heavyweight Champion." You can't BUY material like that, ladies and gentlemen. But hark! Is someone cooking up some Voodoo Chili? If you didn't have an uneasy feeling before, you have to only gaze 'pon the countenance fair of YOU KNOW WHO back to destroy us all, yet again. It IS April 1998 all over again! FEEL IT! WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, GO BACK TO HOGAN! That's it, I QUIT! Well, wait, let's hear what he says. Gosh, I've MISSED people wearing NWO shirts. Snicker. "Well you know something Mean Gene, am I hearing things or did the Macho Man say 'anybody?'" "All right, the World Champion has made a mistake. You were in the category of Kevin Nash Big Sexy. Both of you belong together, both of you need to get the hell out of Dodge, because I own Dodge. So it's not you, not today, not any day." Exactly HOW many people can Savage steal from in one segment? Hogan says he saw what went down and Nash should be the champion right now - but "I'm going for your title tonight, dude." Umm...very gracious of Hogan, isn't it? NASH should be champion but HE'S taking the shot tonight. Uh huh. Good Hogan. Savage is the man with the stroke and "I would love to give you a challenge tonight, 'cause I'm gonna beat you, and defeat you, and get you the hell out of here 'cause I never liked you and you're through. Ohhh yeah!" Hogan says he and all the Wolfpac NWO-ites are gonna run wild, and it's 4 life brotha, and Gene proclaims it "etched in stone," a phrase which got me in trouble with my Senior Class AP English teacher who insisted that one can't etch stone.
Here's a Special Video Look at Savage! What up Motch? Ohh yeah! Is he holding the belt in any of these shots? Ohh nooo!
Hogan makes a surprise return and gets a title shot. Does anybody NOT think he's gonna win? Isn't it the DAMNED SADDEST BITCH IN THE WORLD when you KNOW the one week they'll deliver on the main event and not give us a bullshit run-in or bogus DQ - will be the week when Hogan wins the freakin' title AGAIN?
Local ad hypes the WWF this Friday at the San Jose Arena! No matches announced - who needs to announce matches? You'll go 'cause AUSTIN'S there, dammit!
Here's a major WCW Onsale announcement! Tickets go on sale Thursday for
Uniondale for Nitro, and on sale Friday for Phoenix, San Francisco, Reno,
and Los Angeles. Saturday tickets for Las Vegas for Nitro go on sale!
Okay, I MIGHT go to the Cow Palace. Maybe. Hey, maybe WrestleLine can
use their vast inside connections and get me a pass! Oh, wait, that would
be ME confusing THEM with a MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET. It's passed now.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - Damon Wayans shills them for money - AND for the Creative Artistic License playing a character like "Sergeant Savings" can afford him!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Oh boy, they gave a free SURGE T-shirt to the guy in the front row behind them! Our commentators are all aflutter because Savage/Nash is on for tonight, oh yeah.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's PPV Main Event with still shots that show us that that insane stipulation never came into play (how does a guy ever get the chance to pin his tag team partner in a tag team match, anyway? Please explain that to me.) but the surprise swerve (not really) of the night was Gorgeous George turning on Kevin Nash after turning (supposedly) on Randy Savage - oh who cares
Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! And they're wearing FETISH GEAR! (Right?) Strangely enough, the "C" on the walkway was covered for Savage's entrance yet is exposed for the Nitro Girls to possibly slip and crack their tailbones on. They didn't (praise the LORD), but it's just weird. We'll have to watch tonight and see if the walkway gets covered for other folks' entrances. I say this knowing I'll completely forget - hell, I forgot to type it when Savage came out or it'd be up there a few paragraphs.
I can say all THIS because they're playing the "Rap is Crap" video right now. Are you wondering when the WRESTLING starts? Silly (Eddie) Rabbitt.
(el) VAMPIRO (candianse) v. I HATE KONNAN - Vamprio gets some pyro and Misfits because he's been bitching on WCW Live! in the hopes that at least the Internet smarks will like him. If you want ME to like you, all you have to do is face Konnan and you instantly become MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER EVER. Too bad Hogan said "4 life" because it almost validates his whole spiel. "Where my dogs at?" "BOOOO!" "Orale!" "You suck!" "Arriba la Raza!" "Get the hell out of the ring!" (I believe I may be colouring my interpretation of the crowd with my personal dislike of the K-Dogg). "Jacksonville is bowdy-bout it, and rowdy--" and Vampiro CLOCKS him from behind to immediately make him MY FAVOURITE WRESTLER EVER. Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone takes umbrage, and Vampiro shoves him aside. Vampiro with a semi-impressive array of kicks. Off the ropes, missile shoulderblock (hey, he stole that from Steve Blackman!), stomp, stomp, flying clothesline off the top rope. Boot to the head, knife-edge chop (woooo!), right, shot to the face, kick - I'm coming around on Vamp now. Yup. URANAGE! That's the Rock Bottom, kids. Up to the top rope - oops, he misses with the moonsault with a twist. Well now it's Konnan's turn - right, left, right, off the ropes, tumblin' clothesline, Vampiro breaks a hold, kicks the knees, tries a 'rana, but Konnan reverses into a powerbomb for 2. Whip into the corner, Konnan up and over, ducking a charge, and hitting a DDT. 1, 2, shoulder up. Heenan: "What a main event we have tonight, huh?" Umm...okay. Off the ropes, leapfrog, kick, breakdance, face plant by Konnan. Vampiro rolls out to everyone's apparent chagrin. Konnan goes out and follows, but Vamp rakes the face - slap to the back of the head. He's got a steel chair - and he THROWS it at Konnan's face. YOU GO VAMPIRO! Boone calls for the bell (DQ 3:10) and the whole world waits to see how he reacts. Konnan rolled back in - SUPERKICK! Jawing with Boone, there's a shove. Back to Konnan - NAIL IN THE COFFIN! That's the Juvi Driver. Vampiro poses to the crowd and walks off - he considers going back to get him some more, but changes his mind. This is either the start of a feud to make the Internet smarts drool with the insidedness of it all - or it's a match that'll have no followup and go nowhere. This is WCW, so we all know what it REALLY is.
They've already manufactured a Savage/Hogan graphic!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya, Compu$erve 2000, Motel 6 7/8, Western Union (RIP Morse Code), and Targon (a Japanese horror movie title, if I'm not mistaken)
Closed captioning where available is sponsored by Armor All - because even
if you can't hear, you can appreciate a REALLY SHINY CAR
Let Us Take You Back to Still Shots of the Malenko/Flair US Heavyweight Title shot - the less said, the better - Flair is still Champion, so that's all I need to say.
COMING UP: Tonight Dean Malenko gets a chance at some revenge, because Prez Poppa Flair will lace it up and deliver the match rescheduled OUT of Bash at the Beach!
Umm, that was a nothing segment. Suck suck suck.
Goldberg eats spree! It's a kick in the mouth!
Bam Bam Bigelow has a real hardcore T-shirt, and you can buy it
Tony shills the WCW Hotline just to make sure we go another minute without some wrestling
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION AND THE GODFATHER OF SOUL THE CAT and SONNY ONOO come out to the ring as Tony reminds us that THUNDER! will air Wednesday this week. The ramp is uncovered and Cat fails to slip - probably because he's barefoot. Cat has a "Godfather of Soul" cape. For all the crap the Cat does, his James Brown impersonation is pretty funny - especially because of how eerily similar the whole bit with the cape is to the real JB. Unfortunately, the intersection of JB fans and WCW watchers is a pretty thin slice of pie, you know. Cat encourages a "You suck" chant enough that the sound guy has to turn it down, and Tony has to vamp to fill the time. Cat talks about how much he hates rednecks, which gives me hope that Hennig could come out and get a face pop crumpling his nose in. This quickly fades as Cat talks about Buff Bagwell, then his momma, so BUFF IS THE STUFF comes out (after whirling his arms around like pinwheels for half an hour) because you don't DARE make fun of Judy Bagwell's weight! Buff's wearing another shirt that DARES you to tell your girlfriend that not only is Buff straight, but YOU are, too. And then not be hurt when she laughs at you. Buff sucks up to the crowd, then sucks up to Jacksonville. Cat says that he (and Jacksonville) can kiss his ass. Tony: "There's no call for that!" Buff says Jacksonville might want to see him "kick YO ass!" Then he turns his back 'cause he's an idiot. So Cat strikes. Buff turns the tide after a solid minute of Cat offense and takes Cat down with one clothesline to the back. And he's pinwheeling again. Onoo is in but Buff is so clever that he saw him behind his back - scoop and a slam. Oops, Buff DIDN'T notice that Cat got a ruby slipper on. There's a crescent kick that'll make your head spin - after it pops off. Cat calls over Onoo to make a count. 1, 2, 3. Not a match but they might need the time - let's count it. (1:29)
does the JB end of concert spiel and I kinda laugh 'cause I can't help it.
Still shots from last night's PPV show America's Judge looking as animated as Celebrity Death Match - Judy Bagwell looks like she was elected president of the Marietta FLAG Chapter. Flair and Piper cheat, hot stuff on the gloves, Bagwell bites the ear, puts a bucket on Piper's head, Buff uses wrestling moves and Lane counts a pinfall in a boxing match. And the less said about this, the better.
Promotional consideration paid for by David Flair sunflower seeds, Travelodge Dorky Bear Inn, Western Union (again), No Smoke Plus Stop Leak from World Famous Bardahl (Who?), Judge Wapner for Scam Settlement Buyouts.
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony Schiavone: "Four words - I want a Nitro Girl!" Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hey you know Fyre has really big breasts. I checked the Bombshells section of WrestleLine and made sure.
The Dynamic Duo remind us that Hollywood Hogan issued the challenge and tonight "on this very program" Hogan gets a title shot against Randy Savage - a title shot, undoubtedly, that he earned on the basis of his stellar 0-0 record over the past three months.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Hogan and Savage did a quarter hour opening interview. Go read it up there if you've just joined us, sheesh.
Tony feels some electricity in the arena - maybe somebody stuck a live wire up his ass, I don't know.
NEXT: A graphic of Ric Flair and Dean Malenko! Maybe if we put THEM up against the beginning of RAW you won't change the channel! WHEN HORSEMEN COLLIDE!
Goldberg ate another Spree!
THE MAN (with Asya & Arn Anderson) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn) - just to make the night a perfect frickin' dream CRACKA EAZY E is out to join the commentary team. TV-PG-DV ratings box signals that RAW is almost on. Notice as Flair makes his entrance that Schiavone and Bischoff are verbally stroking off Hogan and completely ignoring Flair. Sigh. NOW they're talking about Flair - Bischoff trying to blame him for the direction he's taking the company. Jumpin' Jim Brunzell on a popsicle stick, are they going to somehow try to blame FLAIR for the tremendous toilet splash they've been making for the past nine months? Bischoff sucks and he should shut his ass up. Flair tells security to come out and remove Benoit and Saturn from the premises, and they comply. Oh, referee is "BLIND" CHARLES ROBINSON. Need you ask?
the rope, off the rope, shoulderblock by malenko, rights with authority -
to the corner, kicks, opposite corner, big back body drop, right, off the
ropes, dropkick, more rights. Cover. Slow 1 count. Flair begs off.
Bischoff now sucking off Nash in his commentary. Chops traded, Malenko's
doing a bit more. Now back to the repeated kicks, Flair putting up no
defense. Robinson screaming at Malenko to get off him - Whip into the
opposite corner - FLAIR FLIP! And he falls off the apron - Malenko
follows...but he didn't count on Arn Anderson lying in wait - and he eats
a running lariat. Anderson gets in another shot for good measure. Flair
taking Malenko to the barricade - chop - Malenko fires back with rights
but Flair rakes the eyes. Malenko manages a back body drop on Flair but
Anderson strikes again - shaking his hand afterward. Malenko in, Flair
AND Anderson in. Robinson turns to Asya to tell her to stay right where
she is as the doubleteam is on. Bischoff ENJOYS calling people "punks"
and you can bet he probably feels that way in real time. Malenko kicks
out at fast 2. Belly-to-back suplex by Flair for 2. In the corner, knife
edge chop. Right hand. Left, right, chop, Golotta, knocks him down for -
2. Another chop, but Malenko kicks back. Trade again. Now Malenko
coming back with kicks, Flair to the nuts. Vertical suplex - very nice.
Flair covers but only gets 2. Bischoff has no business out there, I don't
care. In the corner, chop, Malenko with a right, Flair with a chop,
Malenko with a right, two kicks, right, three kicks, right, on the second
rope - Flair with an atomic drop. Malenko takes him down with a right and
falls to the mat. Off the ropes, hiptoss attempt by Flair is countered
into a backslide, but Robinson is talking to Anderson on the apron. Small
package. Again Anderson is on the apron and Robinson turns to him. In
the corner, chop, chop, whip into the opposite corner is reversed with a
followup lariat - FLAIR FLOP! Malenko on his feet, Flair on HIS feet,
chop by Flair, right from Malenko, suplex, Malenko on top - MISSILE
DROPKICK! Cover - Robinson checks one shoulder and the other - 1, 2,
kickout. Flair begs off again. Kick, ten punch count along stops at six
for a clothesline of Anderson, and then one for Flair. Malenko collapses
- too tired. Flair climbs to the top - THAT NEVER WORKS! - Malenko over
for the beal - BUT FLAIR RAKES THE FACE! Just when you think you'll see
that double axehandle hit for the second time this year, Flair instead
just drops down and puts on a sleeper. Malenko backs up - and they
sandwich Robinson in the corner. FLAIR FLOP 2! "BLIND" JOHNNY BOONE is
in - off the ropes, Malenko misses a dropkick and Flair applies the figure
four leglock. Boone asking but Malenko not giving up - turning - turning
- TURNED! Flair doesn't give up - Asya is in and there's a field goal
kick for Boone. Robinson has come to - he's ringing the bell (8:48) -
Malenko's music plays - but Robinson raises Flair's hand! Malenko
advances on Robinson but before he can do any damage Arn is in and hitting
him in the back of the head. Doubleteam is on with Flair and Anderson
stomping away on Malenko. Robinson tosses Boon through the ropes - but
now (THIS IS) STING is out. Bischoff: "You wanna dance? Time to pay the
band!" ...the HELL? Sting calls to the crowd and clears the ring. Flair
demands that Sting get out of the building. Sting says that Ric Flair
being President means nothing to him. "Your diamonds have lost their
lustre! Space Mountain is on Viagra!" Oooooohhh... Flair steals Sting's
line, saying "you're a dead man." Sting says ten years ago Flair was
holding guys like him down, and ten years later, he's still here. Flair
says he's still here 'cause he's the man. (Yer damn right!) Sting tells
us that he's back, and back in black. (Where'd he go?) "I'm embarrassed
that Dean Malenko's been doing the talking all these weeks because I AM
WCW and I'm telling you, I want control right here." "You know what? My
WIFE would like control, but you know what she does? What I tell her,
just like you punk. I'm the boss. I'm the boss." Sting says tonight
he'll wrestle Flair for control of WCW. I haven't heard Flair go along
with it. "They're all hollering and cheering for nothing! 'cause you
can't make that match! I'm the boss! Tell you what I'm gonna do, though,
big mouth. It's about time another Flair tore you up, so I'll let David
come down here tonight and mess you up. If you can beat David, THEN you
can wrestle me." "I am not above hurting David Flair to get to you."
Bischoff says David's wetting himself right now, because Bischoff has got
a million of them.|
COMING UP: Savage vs. Hogan - time for a glass of arsenic
Meng & Goldberg eat pizza
THUNDER! ad reminds us that it's Wednesday this week
Let Us Take You Back Last Night to Still Shots of the Junkyard Invitational - which needed better lighting, better commentators, and less cheesy third-rate "explosions" The aftermath saw Hak hit the hospital for a bad shoulder, Silver King get sixty stitches, Mikey Whipwreck go in for a concussion, and Eric Bischoff belittle all of them with a stupid comment.
STEVE REGAL (with Fit Finlay & David Taylor) v. (billy) KIDMAN - and later tonight, stay tuned where Finlay will be OFFICIALLY presented with the trophy, despite the fact that it SEEMS like Finlay would have just grabbed it last night. This match should smoke like a cheap cigar. USA chant hurts Regal's ears. Get Bischoff the hell away from there, PLEASE. Lockup, wristlock by Regal, Kidman rolls it over and turns it to an arm wringer of his own, Regal rolls out and hits the ropes - clean break. Lockup, side headlock from Kidman, Regal steps on the knee and takes control - off the ropes, Kidman slides under, ducks a kick, takes Regal over (sorta) with a flying head scissors, hits a nice dropkick to take Regal down. Snapmare takeover for 2 - Regal rolls it for a 1. Kidman holds on - Regal rolls for 2 - Kidman holds on and they're to their feet. To the ropes, powers out, dropkick by Kidman and back to the headlock - Regal rolls for 2 - back to their feet. This is, like, WRESTLING and stuff! To the ropes, Regal shoves him off but Kidman takes him down with the shoulderblock. Kidman BACK to the headlock and back to the mat. Regal - standing back up - Regal temporarily gets a side headlock after pulling him back - Kidman poweres him off - dueling hiptoss attempts fail, so Regal pushes him over the top rope and Kidman flies into the waiting arms of Taylor (flag shots) and Finlay (dropping his neck on the barricade). Rolled back in - Regal stomps away and he's got to strut. Double underhook - butterfly suplex for 2. Reverse chinlock, now Regal's bending Kidman's other arm back - before I figure out what this hold is, let's take an ad break. Because THIS is a MATCH I might LIKE so you KNOW they MUST take an AD break
When we come back, Regal has apparently been going through his plentifully stocked lardor of submission holds - and now he's in a surfboard (surfboard?) Kidman fails to give up. Two knees to the faces, and a European uppercut. Regal stomping away and using the ropes as well. When referee "Blind" Randy Anderson tries to explain how he's breaking the rules, Taylor and Finlay get some licks in as Kidman lies on the apron. Another hard shot from Regal. Regal puts a knee in the back and applies a headlock - really grinding in the crossface here. Holding the hair - up - off the ropes - head to the gut - off the ropes again - but Kidman puts up the boots coming off - dropkick is caught and Regal drops him, then catapults him across the ring. Powerbomb coming up - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Both men down a while. Kidman goes behind, cartwheel to try a Sunset flip - Regal falls, but tumbles over, another counter from Kidman. 1 count. Inside cradle from Kidman for 2. Victory roll by Kidman for 2. Rana by Kidman for 2. Dropkick by Kidman! Dropkick! ANOTHER dropkick! Forearms. Kick, whip into the opposite corner, reverse, boot up by Kidman - charging at him but Regal boosts him over his head and into Anderson. Now Taylor and Finlay are in - Taylor taking Anderson outside the ring.
Finlay has a chair - but Kidman ducks and he hits Regal! Kidman
whips Taylor into Finlay and both men go over the top rope. Now Kidman is
putting Regal into position - time for the shooting star press! But he
TOTALLY fricks it up and lands on the top rope. Bischoff: "Are you okay?"
Whoops, that kinda messes up the story, doesn't it? Luckily, Regal's a
pro - he picks up Kidman and puts himself in an inside cradle. Bischoff
counts the pinfall as planned (11:05) and Finlay and Taylor are quickly in
to protest. Bischoff takes both men down with a mighty shove. Bischoff
is our hero. Tony: "He did the right thing!" Bischoff puts the headset
back on - then takes it off as Finlay and Taylor continue jawing. Now
Regal's joined them (presumably after taking Kidman to get some help).
We don't hear what's said. Schiavone again emphasizes that Bischoff "did
the right thing." Bischoff said Kidman was probably just setting him up.
Yeah, right, Mr. Ad-lib. For some reason, they decide to show a replay of
the botched shooting star press. God only knows why. Here's a replay of
Bischoff counting the fall - because it was the right thing to do. Oh
man, even when they try not to suck they suck. I just hope Kidman's okay.
And they give Regal a bonus.
COMING UP: NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION - still shots of Finlay at the Junkyard Invitational.
The two new biggest and baddest releases from the WCW Superstar Series are "NWO 4 Life" and "Kevin Nash: The Outsider" - go buy 'em (or wait for them to hit PPV like the Diamond Dallas Page one apparently has)
Tony shills the WCW hotline again
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! Can you possibly wait for a worldwide Nitro Girl search? Eric can't!
KENNY KAOS v. SID VISCOUS - Eric leaks a rumour that Insane Clown Posse and Dennis Rodman will appear next week on Nitro. And KISS may perform at the Vegas Nitro in August. AND, some time in September, there may actually be appearances on Nitro by WRESTLERS! Crowd chants "cold beer" during this match, which is undoubtedly the highlight. Sid pulls out his Million Dollar Dream, which floors me. This man is PSYCHOTIC! From the cobra clutch to the camel clutch, Sid is the very picture of technical excellence. I bet he had a bet with somebody in the back - "Hey, I bet I can do five moves in this match!" "No way - I got twenty that says you can't." Hey, better pay the Psycho. Second powerbomb is preceded by the stations of the cross as only Sid can do them. Thank you, drive through. (3:50) Sid takes the mic and asks Kaos if he can hear him. "Did you feel the power? You have to understand - Stinger! I am conditioned! I feel no regret! I have no remorse for the things I do!" Of course, the crowd chants for Goldberg. "The stars in the sky tell me my destiny, and the stars tell me to reach my destiny I must take you, Sting. You must be my next victim. Yes, you will. So Stinger, and everyone who's listening, I'm gonna give you something to think about, and it goes like this:
'therefore he does now know when the Master is in his house - he
can only wish that he comes suddenly and takes you while he's asleep.'
Remember these things, my friend, because I'M SID VICIOOOOOUS - I AM THE
MASTER - AND THE RULER OF THE WORLD!" The cobra clutch slam, chokeslam,
and second powerbomb are replayed and brought to you by CASTROL GTX! SID
Time I recognised that sign in the crowd: "TOO MANY DAMN SIGNS"
Coming up, Sting takes on David Flair. Let Us Take You Back Earlier Tonight Where Sting Said Some Stuff Agreeing to a Match to Lead to Another Match Which May Or May Not Have Some Stipulations And Bischoff Got Wacky On The Headset
Goldberg and Meng eat some more pizza - I mean, Pizza! Pizza!
wcw.com spot shows SO much obsolete, old stuff that I can't begin to properly make fun of it
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! You know, it almost looks like one of them is spanking another one. Meanwhile, Bischoff is talking.
Did DJ Ran take the night off? Not that I'm complaining
Here's another clip of Sting talking Earlier Tonight - I'm feeling that this segment is a writeoff - I am SO glad that we get to hear Bischoff's commentary even in these repeat clips - God damn, they're even including the bit we just saw in the LAST segment
I guess that walkway being covered was a fluke at the beginning of the show...
DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with Torrie Wilson, The Man, Asya & Arn Anderson) v. (THIS IS) STING for the United States Heavyweight Championship - Dare I say David may FINALLY be figuring out a facial expression for his walks to the ring? Say, wasn't Torrie hanging with Nash last week? Why's she back with David now? Do we care? Flair gives Sting one more chance to give up now and Sting politely declines. I needn't tell you "BLIND" CHARLES ROBINSON dons the stripes once again for this matchup. Flair walks up to Sting and shoves him - to peals of laughter from Bischoff. Sigh. Flaccid chop does no damage. Another chop doesn't faze him. A third chop does nothing. Sting grabs him by the neck - whip into the opposite corner - STINGER SPLASH! Here's the Sharpshooter - Flair's tapping but Robinson can't see it as he's eye to eye with Sting. Sting lets go of Flair and grabs Robinson, who was just about to do a Naitch strut. SLOP DROP! Anderson and Ric storm the ring - right hand, backhand slap, right, right, right, atomic drop - does it matter who's hit by what? Flair hits him from behind and Sting no-sells it. Flair chops away - nothin'. Call to the crowd! Off the ropes - press'n'beal! Anderson on the apron - Anderson to the mat.
Whip of Flair into
the corner - Stinger splash! FLAIR FLOP! Anybody else wondering when Sid
will show up to get David the win? Asya in the ring - Flair holding her
between Sting and himself - Sting looks around - and gives the Stinger
splash to both of them. FLAIR FLOP 2 OUT OF THE RING! Sting gives David
another stomp to take him out of the ring - leaving him alone in there.
Umm, is it over? Ummm... (under 2 minutes)
NEXT... NEW HARDCORE CHAMPION SHUT UP BISCHOFF
Tony introduces a third airing of the Little Caesar's Ad featuring Meng and Goldberg - notice how they never actually EAT the pizza?
Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight Because Nobody Watches This Show Even When It's On - Or Something - Savage Challenges, TV-PG-DV ratings box reappears
Gene O. stands in the ring with a table displaying the Hardcore Champion Trophy from the Junkyard Invitational - a trophy that looks like it's made from about $5.99 invested at the local ACE Hardware. FIT FINLAY is welcomed to the ring to accept his trophy. Gene tries to get Finlay to show his scar, but no dice. Finlay tells us that he's here reprazentin' Northern Ireland. Last night's match was one of the hardest of his career. "Shut up rednecks and listen when I'm speakin'! ... I do not give a ... I don't care about any of these people." This degenerates into an American-bashin' session. Finlay's got the heart of a lion - he's touger than titanium, and he's meaner than the lowest rattlesnake (huh?) Anyway, the FIRST FAMILY shows up (sans Barbarian) and administers the beatdown. Well, now EVERYBODY FROM THAT GOD AWFUL MATCH is now in the ring and I guess it's a rematch of sorts. Meanwhile, JAMES HART manages to abscond with the trophy. Somehow, Flynn, Knobs, and Morrus are JUST enough to keep Finlay from getting to Hart. Regal and Taylor join them too late, but I'm thinking it's a Europeans/First Family feud coming up - and the winners are the FANS! Ha.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight so we can show you more of the first quarter hour. Do they REALLY think this works? The *WWF* doesn't do this...I thought these guys were all about copying the WWF these days.
The next WCW PPV nightmare is ROAD WILD - it's sponsored by American Ironhorse, and it's Sturgis. Hmmm. And it's 11 August. And it's not too late to ORDER NOW!
Bam Bam Bigelow T-shirt ad #2
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by KRISPY M&M'S!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night and some still shots of the tag team championship - no, wait, let's see Nash, Sting, and Savage again. This is what we in the biz call a "technical difficulty." NOW we get still shots of the tag team championship bout. This was a great match right up until the point where the Triad did lots of cheating to take the fall. AND, no matter HOW great it was, it didn't make up for the rest of the card.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Trippa B and (khris) Kanyon) v. BOOKA T -
Well sweet Georgia Brown, if it isn't the one guy that should have been on
yesterday's PPV and wasn't - and now he's probably going to be jobbed to
put the Triad over (even if it is probably going to involve a lot of
screwiness) - Luger & Liz will be in Colma to open up Cow Palace ticket
sales Friday - I should go just so I can ask them what the hell's up with
that press conference they were gonna have a while back. I suppose this
is a "feeling out process" and not just "stalling." T leads the audicne
in rhythmic synchronised clapping. T with a nice armdrag takedown to get
the first attack. Page back up, lockup, to the rope, T ducks a not-clean
break punch and hits ANOTHER armdrag takedown. T starts a "Dallas sucks"
chant despite the fact that "sucks" is a verboten word on WCW telecasts.
Schiavone perpetuates the myth that Breathe-Right strips help athletic
performance when all they REALLY do is MAYBE prevent some snoring. After
Page poses for the crowd, we lockup, takover by Page into a leg scissors,
repeat, a third time with this series of moves - off the ropes,
shoulderblock from Page, over, under, dropkick from T and now they're
moving quick quick. Off the ropes, Page ducks the superkick by hanging
onto the ropes and pulling himself outside. T is unhappy at the powder
Page is taking but referee "Blind" Nick Patrick keeps him in the ring -
for a while. T out, Page in, T follows and Page strikes with axehandles,
stomping, off the ropes, T ducks, and hits the flying jalapeno despite the
fact that Page was caught looking the wrong way. T covers - 1, 2,
kickout. Uhhhh!!! Big kick and Page goes back. Into the opposite
corner, BIG follow lariat. On the second rope - Ahhhhh!!!! Ten punch
count along by Booker T. Raise the roof on this mutha! T tries the
Harlem sidekick but Page ducks and lets the top rope take the move. T
falls outside. All night we've been hearing that Nash is gonna show up,
he'll be in the building - what, did he get LOST? Did he FORGET what time
this show starts? Did he lose his BOOK? Page outside, on the apron -
running lariat to the floor. Patrick comes outside to try to get this
back in the ring - he wants that to happen, he should consider putting on
a count! Everybody back in - Page stomps. Chest to the buckle on the
whip - belly-to-back suplex and let's take an ad break.
Meng & Goldberg wear out their welcome
When we come back, both men are on the outside and Page is running T into the barricade - now back in the ring. Oh thank GOD Eric Bischoff is back on headset and can put himself over instead of having us worry about silly things like this match. Page on the top rope - flying clothesline! Page with a flourished elbowdrop for 2. Page stomps away. The Sting/Flair match for control of the company will take place next week, thanks to our hero Bischoff. I guess THEN we'll get that exciting Sid run-in. Gutbuster from Page. Elbowdrop between the legs. Page steps on the hands. Kick to the face, and another. 1, 2, Booker T. kicks out. Page runs him into the corner - backdrop fails when T. flips out - clothesline ducked, second one not. 1, 2, no. Did Bischoff say "half-ass?" That doesn't sound like TNT. Abdominal stretch - now the devious leverage gained by holding the ropes. Patrick fails to catch it, of course. There's the third try
and NOW it's caught. Patrick kicks the arm off the rope
Booker T. hits a hiptoss. Page hits a Golotta. Cover - 2 count. Off the
ropes, sleeper. T to one knee. Crowd coming alive for him - why's he
wearing his elbow pad on his hand? Jawbreaker breaks the sleeperhold.
Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, punch, off the ropes, atomic drop, head
to the buckle eight times - Page bounces his head off the buckle for nine
-and T takes him there for ten. Spinning wheel kick from T. Off the
ropes, reversal, duck, flying jalapeno (again?) but only 2. Off the
ropes, ersatz uranage by Booker T. 2 count. Page with a forearm. Into
the opposite corner - T hops up, and tries his cross the legs/Sunset flip
thing that only he does - Page stops it and punches him - 1, 2, oh,
arrogant - T hooks the arms with his legs for 2. Knee to the gut by T,
off the ropes, head down - POWERBOMB by Page! 1, 2, KICKOUT! Page calls
for the Diamond cutter - but T shoves him off and Page collides with the
ref. Time for the run-in - the crowd knows it and stares at the
entranceway (this is telling, WCW - do you get it?) Kick from T, axe kick,
breakdance, (khris) KANYON is out and here's a surprise Flatliner. Kanyon
puts Page on top of T and rousts Patrick - 1, 2, NO!! Kanyon's got the
powder in the meantime. T hits another Harlem sidekick on Page, then
takes Kanyon with a right and he powders himself instead of T. T voers
but TRIPPA B is in and Patrick calls for the bell (DQ 15:53) - there's a
Diamond Cutter for Patrick, and a double Diamond Cutter for Booker T.
Bigelow and Kanyon have athletic tape and tape him to the top rope in the
corner - triple team is on. We split-screen to the NWO BLACK 'N' WHITE,
enjoying the show. Vince, Horace and Adams crack some jokes - and Stevie
Ray decides, dammit, it IS his brutha after all - so he takes off. Back
to the ring shot and the attack - there's STEVIE RAY come out brandishing
a chair and chasing off the Triad. Booker T. is in pretty bad shape.
Fans chant "Har-lem Heat" even though we all know WCW would NEVER give the
audience something that they'd WANT. Ray frees his brother and...
Here's a graphic of Hogan and Savage
Bash at the Beyotch encore presentation ad
Savage makes his entrance - for the first time tonight, we see the ladies - George is looking especially slutty tonight...let's take another ad break because we think we can get away with it
Meng & Goldberg & Little Caesar - for the last time tonight? One can only hope!
The Wolfpack theme plays...and out comes Hogan.
RANDY SAVAGE (with Madusa 6) v. YOU KNOW WHO for the World Heavyweight Championship - strangely enough, we still haven't seen the Centre of Our Universe tonight. Eric: "This crowd decidedly behind Hollywood Hogan, no mistaking it." Actually, the crowd's pretty damn quiet. Oh well. We're UNDERWAY! Lockup, face rake right away by Savage - very technical. Right hand. Left to the ribs. Grabbin' the shnoz and pullin'. In the corner, left, right, sledgehammer blow. Right. Choke. Crowd starting a Hogan chant (ugh) - Head to the buckle attempt is blocked and Hogan hits a right, and another. Savage rolls out. Hogan plays to the crowd while Savage hides behind George - and Madusa and Mona get in the ring behind their back. Mona with an open-handed slap - and Hogan with a double noggin knocker on the four - no, two women in the ring. They both roll outside - and whoa, now they're having a tiff! Madusa with her Dale Bozzio hairdo tonight, by the way. And now they're FIGHTING! Eric: "Tear it up, girlfriend! You go girl! Ahahaha!" I hope Eric's enjoying this, becuase you gotta think that hyena ain't too far from being flat on his ass when ECW passes them up in August. DOUG DELLINGER & THE SECURITY GANG take Madusa and Miss Madness out to the back - then gang rape them, probably. Oh sorry. Anyway, Savage gets back in the ring at 6. Referee is "Blind" Mickey J. I also should mention. Bischoff with another verbal hand job on Hogan, praising the way he "neutralized" the two women. Lockup, right from Hogan, right, right, face rake, BACK RAKE!! Right, right, feel the technical precision. Head to the buckle. Please compare this to Regal/Kidman earlier. Nine punch count along and skull munch(tm). Right, right, sorry these are actually "palm thrusts" as Hogan is a skilled martial artist. Off the ropes, running lariat (see, he CAN wrestle!) Right hand, right takes Savage down. Blatant chokehold for 4. Another choke. Savage up, Savage off the ropes but he hits a kick when Hogan puts his head down. Elbowdrop misses though, and Hogan punches. Savage rolls out; Hogan follows. Hogan takes Savage's head to the barricade, and again. Back to the ring - back to the STEEL ringpost. "This is chess!" says Bischoff. THIS SURE IN THE HELL *AIN'T* CHESS! Savage has a chair - Hogan kicks Savage, who drops the chair so HOGAN can use it. There's a chair to the head. But there's no DQ because he's Hogan (apparently). Chop on Savage (woooo!). Head to the commentary table (Bischoff has an orgasm, then says "Hey Savage! Who sucks now?" despite the fact that "sucks" is a forbidden word on TNT) Hogan with repeated rights. Into the ringpost again. Hogan's got his belt off - joy. Savage shoves George into him - and of course her tit pops out on cue. Anyway, Hogan is distracted enough for Savage to take control (I guess - I was lookin' at something else) and the next thing you know, Savage has got Hogan on the table and there's a chair shot as well. Back in the ring. HOGAN is the first one to taste the leather of that NWO weight belt. Hey, is Hogan still running for president? I forget. Another belt whuppin' from Savage. Whip! Whip! Choke with the belt! Crowd chanting "Hogan" because they are a bunch of rubes. Savage breaks the choke at 4. Whip! Whip! Whip! Hey, it's HOGAN'S fault - he shouldn't have taken the belt off. Choke again. 1, 2, 3, Savage threatens J. then whips Hogan again. Whip! Sadly, we all know Hogan's gonna win. Whip! At least we can enjoy the whipping - I guess. Whip! Whip! Choke! Whip! Hogan crawling to Savage - right, right, right, right, Savage kicks in a sensitive area. Whip! Cover - 2. Whip! Standing on the neck for 4. Savage motions for the elbow. Savage throws the belt to George and lines up Hogan for a field goal kick. Scoop and a slam. Time for the big elbow from the top rope - geez, I hope Savage remembers that this is the REVIVING ELBOW - oh, no wait, Hogan rolls aside and it misses. Is it time to Hulk up? He's doin' the mime jackhammer! Point! Punch, punch, punch, off the ropes, big boot, ear for the crowd - SID VISCOUS in the ring! No DQ called because Hogan has to win. George handing a chain to Savage while Sid punches. Eric: "Hogan has asked for no DQ in this match" - WHAT THE FRICK? Eric's just MAKIN' UP SHIT now.
Hogan in position for
the powerbomb - but (THIS IS) STING is out and he takes Vicious to the
outside with three punches and a kick (not in that order) - Sting and
Vicious brawling to the back. Savage with a right wrapped in a chain.
1, 2, ... what happened? Well, BIG POOCHIE is here and I guess he pulled
Mickey J. out of the ring. There's a kneelift for Savage. There's the
truckstop powerbomb. Hogan's crawled over and he's got an arm over the
Champ. Aw shit. 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World
Heavyweight Champion. (14:14) Tony: "Truly one of the most exciting,
over the top, electric moments that we've witnessed on this program -
Hogan does it again!" Hogan acts all surprised and I want to puke.
"Hey, Hollywood! Hollywood! Down here, buddy. First of all I just wanna
say welcome back. Secondly I wanna say, that's two times I've handed you
that belt. It's real simple. You know I thought it was safe to go back
in the water, but I just realised the shark just came back in the tank."
"What does that mean, brother?" "What it means is this - you and me, for
that title - no joke, no lay down, you and me, finally for that title -
and let me tell you something - let me tell ya something - this time the
outcome's gonna be my way - I'm sick and tired of gettin' screwed around
up in here - let me tell you something - you and me - we're gonna finish
this thing once and for all - you got it? You make the match, you tell me
what you wanna do." "You know something, big man? You have got it." Nash
wearing an Outsiders shirt. Wait, I thought he and Hogan we all buds and
stuff? Oh who gives a crap. I'm gonna go hurl. I'll see you later.