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NWA Total Nonstop Action


Guest columnist: Guru Zim



Hey everyone. I've decided to take some vague comments that CRZ made in the third anniversary intro personally, and write a second column for slash. Since I'm pretty much completely biting his style, I thought I should pass along a useful stock quote.

Liquidmetal Technologies (NASDAQ: LQMT) 9.46 - 2.34 Buy this stock now. It only IPOd in May and has had the bad luck of being in the market during a period where lots of bad things have happened - but if they can become the commercial force I think they might be - we'll all be rich one day off of this one. Sure, the stuff melts at 750 degrees and loses some strength, but when was the last time you got your laptop or cell phone that hot? That's what their market will be - not golf clubs. Everything is going to be made of this alloy some day, but right now they have a good market for high end electronics that need small size and high strength. Think Palm Pilots made with metal cases stronger than Titanium. Now go buy the stock.

3 - 2 - Whoops guess we aren't supposed to hear the countdown to the start - maybe next time you shouldn't play it over the arena loudspeakers as you go live, eh?

NWA TNA LIVE and it's Pyro. We're promised two world title defenses and a 6 man #1 contenders match for the X division title.

We start with a match for the NWA world Tag Team championships

Father James Mitchell w/ Disciples of the New Church @ a combined weight of 480 lbs (slash and Tempest (formerly Crowbar, Devon Storm)) - VS -

But FIRST let's play some old footage... Last week a guy had red karo syrup poured on him, the Rainbow Express beat Buff & a partner, and Jerry Lynn and AJ Styles took the place of the missing team to capture the Tag Titles. Maybe we'll come back to the ring at some point? It's been 4 minutes now and..

OH WE'RE BACK. Here's the other team... AJ and Jerry Lynn. Don West states that we get to skip right to AJ Styles and Jerry Lynn tonight. I guess he missed the video package. Did I mention that I used to be a pretty big fan of Daffney and Crowbar? He's looked better. Lise thought that we were watching a Bradshaw match when she walked in... he's gotten a little bit of a gut.

Slash looks a little like Justin Credible. Even though it's not Lo-Ki, we chant mon-key at him. This is entertaining!

Jerry Lynn jumps out of the ring and flips on to alll three outside. It was pretty. Lynn and Styles hit a tag team move that was pretty nice.

TEMPEST WITH THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! And it's not a finisher. Don't tell me these guys aren't spot spot spot spot spot. You can't thow it all out there every match guys...

Monkey and Crowbar beat up AJ for a while and Styles does the floppy folded up sell. WHIRLYBIRD (He said it) from Slash. Styles pops back up like it was nothing, does a throw to the corner, then falls to the ground in order to do the crawl to the tag partner. (!) Lynn hits a tornado DDT on Slash, Bulldog on Tempest 1-2-No! Lynn calls for the piledriver but its a low blow from Tempest. Some more offense - a tease of another Death Valley Driver - Lynn reverses out, hits a shoulder to the gut and then Cradle Piledriver. Slash is tossed out, but AJ get the blind tag to a confused Lynn (they are hinting trouble with these two, continuing what they started with the end of the tag title match last week) and AJ goes flippy flippy off the top rope.... 1-2-3 and AJ gets the pin on Tempest. Once again AJ with both belts... Oh trouble I say. Oh no wait, it's all good - he gave him the belt. Maybe it's not good. Man this is acting!

TNA Girl scares me into fast forwarding the tape... we come back at...

3 TALKING HEADS. West, Tenay, and Ferrara talk about Jeff Jarrett, Brian Christopher, and K-Krush. Tenay tries to get Scott Hall on the phone (and he'll cut into the video if he can). Last week some stuff happened. Brian Christopher sold Scott Hall up the river so that he could join up with the guy that he was feuding with the week before (K-Krush). I don't think they really explained this, but the promotion is new, so the feuds are kind of fluid.

Scott Hall mumbles incoherently on the phone some threats about Christopher, K-krush, and Jarrett. It would have helped if you had muted the sound from the video from last week. Oh well. The announcers now tell us that this makes perfect sense .... Christopher and Jarrett are both second generation wrestlers so it makes perfect sense that they would team up. But what about that feud with K-krush? Oh.

Brian Christopher takes the mike. "You know, There comes a time in everyones life where you make a transition from a child to an adult. You make a transition from a child to a man. And that's what I've been labelled all my life - I've been labelled a child. Better yet, I've been labelled Jerry Lawler's son. You know growin up right here in Tennessee I've lived my entire life in Jerry Lawler's shadow. There's even people out there that say the only reason that Brian Christopher's in the wrestling business is because the king got him in. Well tonight and all those people, I will say BULLSHIT. After 14 years of me being in the wrestling business I can finally say screw Jerry Lawler. Hey - none of you in there, none of you walked in my shoes - none of you was me growing up. None of you got 'What a great father Jerry the King Lawler was' because he was never a father at all. Never. All I wanted was somebody to look up to. But every time I looked up, he was never there. Now, all that's going to change and all that changed last week at the expense of 'Hey Yo' Scott Hall because last week Brian Christopher kicked some ass and he rode off into the sunset never to be heard of again. Finally it feels good, I can finally say what's on my mind. I can finally tell Jerry Lawler he can go to hell. Things are going to change around here. It's always been about the King - it's always been about him. What kind of father was he - I'll tell you what kind - He was never there! He was never there when I needed him. He always spent too much time - giving too much time to the wrestling business. He was always giving Vince McMahon all of the attention he should have been giving me. Well I'll tell you what, from now on, it's going to be all about me. It's going to be done my way - the way I want it - I'm going to make myself famous. From now on, no longer am I Jerry's kid. From now on, it's all about Brian Lawler."

-vs- Screaming Norman Smiley. No sports outfit, just white undies. Not a good look for him. Smiley hits a few drop kicks, a windup slam, then does a little dance. Man those look like underwear. Smiley lines up behind and starts spanking Lawler. Lawler hits the DDT - crowd chants "Jerry's Kid" - Shoulder to the gut in the corner and smiley is flailing about. Lawler puts on the choke for a two count. Another shoulder to the gut. Lawler goes for another one but Smiley jumps out of the way and Lawlers shoulder connects with the ring post. 8 Punches on the top rope for Smiley, but a low blow from lawler lays smiley out in place for the hip hop drop. 1-2-3 and Lawler takes it.

"Hey Yo Scott Hall, I hope you were watching, cause Punk - You're next - on Brian Lawler's list."

Let's go to the back to Goldilocks. Jarrett is insisting he has a shot with Shamrock - but he is told he's suspended for what he did to President Miller. Goldilocks walks toward a door where we hear Father Mitchell yelling. The door slams.

K-Krush starts to walk out, so it's time for a video package. This time it's from 3 weeks ago. K-Krush picked a fight with some Race Car drivers. Last week, Sadler attacked K-Krush when K was punking him out. I guess this is leading up to today...

"You know what - this is the last damn time I come to Trashville cause y'all assholes don't know how to respect real talent when you see it. Its just like I said, Hoover ain't got it then (????) you can take that nascar book and shove it where the sun dont shine After I kick this Nascar driving ass any of you fans out there thats Nascar fans I'll kick your asses too. You know what - you better put that damn sign down now before i come and put it in your ass. You respect me ! You throw some more stuff in the ring and I'm gonna personally come out here and kick your ass." He said something else but I couldn't make it out. Man, he really isn't very coherent. THat's too bad, because he looks in great condition.

Sadler is out and the bell rigns. This should be quick. Shoving match, then slaps are traded. K-Krush kicks him a few times, but Sadler puts him out of the ring. Sadler from the apron! Punches on the ground... Herve with a low blow. Both men back in the ring. "This is going to be uglier than Mark Madden's prom date. " "Now that's Ugly". Sadler kicks K-Krush in the corner. Up to the top for count along . The pin --- 1 - 2- . K-krush hits a boot to the mid section and an axe kick. Here's some dancing and a thrust of the crotch. Arrogant 1 fingered pin attempt - then 2 more pin attempts. K-krush with the suplex and that better be all. 1-2 - Krush in the face of the ref. Running Powerslam and a 1 fingered cover 1 - 2 - no. Krush picks him up by the leg and puts on the figure 4. That has to be it. K-krush uses the ropes. Are you really going to have a Nascar driver reverse this move? K-Krush on the ropes to break the hold. somehow Sadler gets a gift of a Powerbomb and gets the 1-2-no! K-Krush misses a dropkick, but finally gets the pin with his legs on the ropes. Did he really need to cheat that much to beat a Nascar driver? Ugh. This was alright for a non-wrestler, which means. Wait - It's been reversed because of a cheapshot after the bell. Can they do that? This match felt like it went longer than the Norman Smiley match, which felt like it didn't go as long as Lawler's speech. Oh well.

Omori looks like he has to poop. He hands Aleisha some money. Still no explanation. You know, I like continuity, but I guess I should have stressed that the angles should make sense too, not just be there every week. Skanks scare me into FFWD again...

412 lbs of Panama City, Florida natives Cassidy and Jake, the Hot Shots -vs- a couple of Briscoes (not the old ones, Mark and Jay) Malice comes out and takes out all four after about 2 and a half minutes. The rest of Team Mascara watches as Malice almost kills one of the Briscoes by chokeslamming him onto his neck. Hey, remember when Sid Vicious would squash four cruisers during an interesting match, and it would suck? Malice, meet Sid. The Minister calls out Ken Shamrock and threatens to have Malice pulverise everyone in the arena if Shamrock doesn't show up. In a sort of interesting move, a fat timekeeper is fed to Malice, but shamrock makes the save before we see if Malice can lift him. Malice signals for the choke slam... he waits... and waits... and waits... Oh there is Omori with his run in. Omori makes the save so that he can keep his title shot later this evening. Oh the mutual respect.

Goldilocks with Stan and Bo Dupp. Bo Dupp threatens to hump the elvises like a dog. I'll save you the dialogue. The Dupps music hits, but is interrupted by some bad sax. Production gaffe, or a shocking swerve? Here's a hint... if you are a company that has pretty mediocre production, don't emphasize the fact by faking a control truck error. Jasmine St. Claire hits the ring and wastes about 5 minutes blathering and giving Borash a lap dance. Right after she takes off her thong, the VP of TNA runs in to cover her with a jacket, but is stopped initially by Ferrara who spears him! Ok, now St. Claire is covered up and escorted out, and we finally get the Dupps. The Flying Elvises come in soon afterwards. This match was ok. Estrada got the pin after "The Perfect 10"

Cut to the back - Lynn and Styles fighting. Eek! Lynn with a Cradle piledriver to Styles on top of a road case and then pushes him off to the floor."Here's your belt. Celebrate now, glory hound!" Guess there is going to be some tension there, yeah.

Omori -vs- Shamrock (NWA Heavyweight Championship Title) Shamrock starts with knees to the head. Kick and a DDT to a pin attempt for a one count. Shamrock with the figure 4 head scissors as Harley Race looks on from the outside. Omori to the ropes to break the hold. Big punch and kick from Shamrock. Omori into the corner, and Shamrock unloads a few punches until Omori blocks one and gets some offense in. Omori now with Shamrock in the corner . Omori Whips Shamrock into the ropes and hits the dropkick. Omori applies some sort of choke. Headlock and a few punces to the side of shamrocks head. Boot to the midsection and a whip to the corner, Omori follows with a high leg up , then repeats - Shamrock ducks and goes after the exposed knee. The ref breaks the hold (can you do a submission on the ropes?). Shamrock goes for a choke holding Omoris head down across the top rope. Omori off the ropes, dodges the back body drop, then drops shamrock. Omori goes up for the Bonzai drop but no one is home. Shamrock focuses on the injured knee of Omori. Omori is pulled up and whipped into the corner, but he reverses the whip and hits Shamrock with the Axe Bomber clothesline (alluded to earlier by Tenay as a finisher) and get the 2.5 count. Shamrock fights back, punching and then goes airborne for the drop kick. Back to the injured knee of Omori for the submission, and escapes by reaching the ropes.

Shamrock does a cool armbar to Ankele lock transition and it looks like he has this all locked up, but it's all for naught as Jeff Jarrett comes out and ends the match early with a few chair shots to everyone, including the ref and Harley race. Hey, at least it's not a cheap guitar.

Goldilocks and Jerry Lynn "You want some, I'll give you some. Open up and Say Ahhh". Jerry storms off. Foo man choo asks Goldilocks to send Jarrett his way. Someone is groaning. Oh look, it's Bill Barrons with F U on his chest. This happened to someone else last week (check CRZ's recap) You know, if I wanted to watch old man bondage flicks...

I'm quickly distracted by MON-KEY!

The last match is the 6 man number one contenders match between Lo-ki, Kid Romeo, Chris Daniels, Jerry Lynn, Elix Skipper, and Tony Mamaluke. You know, I was going to try to call this one, but I give up. If you like spotfests, you will like the X matches. There were some really good moments. Lo-Ki ended up winning the match, but at the end the Flying Elvises came in kicked ass and inserted themselves into the X Belt picture.

As they try to wrap up the show, Jarrett comes up with a chair and demands a title shot next week. Jarrett talks some trash to the Tennessee Titans ringside and IT'S ON. Wow, for about 10 seconds there that didn't look like a work. What's funnier is that Jarrett didn't look at all like a match for him. Jarrett gets in a few chair shots as the New Church comes out. Jarrett fights Malice out into the crowd.

All in all, I thought it was a pretty good show. I can still do without Mortimer Plumtree, the Dupps, and the flashbacks to last week - but at least there weren't midgets, obesely fat men, and slow motion Jarrett / Hall matches. I'm going to watch next week, and so should you.

That's my take - what's yours?

Guru Zim

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