|NWA Total Nonstop Action
|Guest columnist: Guru Zim
NWA TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION #5
Hi kids. If you are reading this on the /wrestling site that's a good thing... otherwise I just don't know what's up. Don't ask me... I can't tell you anything. I'd do a stupid comment thing here, but frankly, I'm just not in the mood.
We start off with a flashback of Jeff Jarrett in the ring yammering. We see him break a trophy, hit Shamrock, get beaten by football players... Hey it's the Jeff Jarrett show. You know, these weren't THAT great the first time.
Earlier this week.... We see Goldilocks with Shamrock. Shamrock goes off of Goldilocks and threatens to kick the shit out of everyone here. Goldilocks looks a bit like Melissa Joan Hart.
We go live to the Pyro and promises of a huge surprise. Who will be the number one conteneder?
Jarrett and Hall are fighting in the back. Hall shoves Jarrett into a clothes hamper, standard battle in the back. Still no loud pile of poles, but they HAVE worked in the garage door shot this week. Hall and Jarrett are finally separated by security as some NWA official yells that Jarrett has forfeited his match. Jarrett is dragged out of the building.
Tenay explains that we were supposed to start with Jarrett and Malice in a ladder match, and begs the truck to let him know in his headset what they are going to do. Meanwhile Malice strolls to the ring
Malice (300lbs) w/ Foo Man Choo (Father Mitchell) and Tempest . "It is with deep, deep regret that I make the following announcement. Due to unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances it appears that Mr. Jeff Jarrett will not be able to bleed here tonight. However, my weapon of mass destruction, Malice, is still very much hin the mood to wash his hands in the crimson life essence of another victim. Therefore, Malice is formally extended the thorn branch to anybody, anybody in this arena that would like to take a ride in the fast lane to Hell and back. Now - do we have any takers?" The lights drop.... Announcers babble.... Adnd SABU is in the ring.
The bell rings and we are off. Boy, he has a lot of scars. Sabu hits a DDT and a move off of the ropes that looks like a flying butt drop. Malice fights back, dropping a couple of forearms on Sabu . Tempest or slash (can't see) throws in a chair to Malice, but Malice gets dropped and loses the chair. Sabu chucks the chair at him a few times, then sets it up and jumps into the arms of Malice to receive a back breaker.
Malice hits a big suplex and drops a leg on Sabu.. Sabu is tossed into a corner, then whipped across the ring to connect his head with a steel chair propped in the corner. OOPS - tempest is giving Sabu instructions on the apron. We probably shouldn't see that.
Malice completely fucks up a move and falls out of the ring to the floor. Maybe that was a transition to get the ladder. In any case - its in play now. Malice brings the ladder to the edge of the apron, but Sabu baseball slides into it and knocks him back. Sabu with the double springboard to the outside into malice. Sabu takes on Tempest for a bit before going back after Malice.
Sabu brings a table out and quickly forgets about it. Malice has set the ladder up across the ring and outside barricade in the mean time, and he drags Sabu over to it and drops him face first aorss it. Same shot from the other side of the ladder just so the other fans can see it.... Sabu is busted open pretty good and bleeding through the nose.
Back in the ring now, Malice sets up the ladder in the corner and whips Sabu into it, then rushes behind and plows into him. Malice grabs the ladder and Sabu at the same time, and walks them to the middle of the ring where he slams them both to the mat at the same time. Quick chair shot to Saub, and Malice takes advantage of the time that he is down to walk around with the ladder. Sabu gets up and bounce off the rope to hit a kick to the ladder and drops Malice . For good measure, Sabu drops both legs on the ladder as it rests on Malices chest.
Sabu sets the ladder up for the first attempt at the contract, but ends up getting powerbombed off the ladder for his efforts. Malice moves the ladder between the top and middle ropes to set up an overhead belly to belly suplex on the propped up ladder. Malice whips Sabu into the ropes and hits the big boot. While he is down , Malice sets up the ladder for the second shot at the contract. As he gets 3 / 4 of the way up, Sabu does a drop kick off of the top rope into the ladder to dislodge Malice.
Once more with the ladder in the corner. Malice whips Sabu into the ladder and then follows, but Malice eats a face full of ladder as Sabu moves. Steel chair shot dazes Malice long enough to set up a kick from Sabu. Sabu to the top rope and he rides the ladder down from the corner across the body of Malice.
After a bit of melee, Sabu goes for the third attempt at the contract. Halfway up he is pulled off backwards by Malice. An exchange of punches, then a few quick chair shots by Sabu - but the momentum is shifted by a spinebuster by Malice. Ladder up one more time - this time its Malice. Hey, is that table still over... nevermind. Pretty crazy top of ladder to table on the floor spot. I've never seen someone land on the table with his feet first quite like that.
Malice takes advantage of this last spot to climb the ladder and grab the contract. Sabu is your number one contender - and he is rewarded with a beat down by the rest of the disciples for his efforts. Sabu takes out slash and tempest with a moonsault off of the second rope, but the 3 on 1 is too much for him . Malice hits a couple of chair shots as the rest of the disciples set up a table, and Malice chokeslams Sabu from the apron to the table on the floor above the exposed area.
Malice has Sabu's blood on his hands.
Let's go backstage to Goldilocks -
We see Jeff Jarrett being dragged out of the parking lot by security. Guess we weren't really going to Goldilocks after all. Sabu gets to his feet, as AJ Styles walks to the ring and grabs a mic.
"Jerry Lynn. My partner. I think you owe me .."
Lynn cuts him off and starts walking out. "Shut the Hell up You shut the hell up . I don't owe you shit, punk. "
AJ says something I miss.
"I'll tell you. You don't have to ask me nothing . I'll tell you what you want to know. You want to know whY I punked your ass out last week and left you layin like a bitch. Well tell me something, How many years you been wrestling now?" "3/12 - 4." "That's right - 3 and a haf years - everyone always exaggerates. All the young guys exaggerate - they want more experience. Tell me this - how many years have I been wrestling?" "14." "14 that's right. And while your momma was at home powdering your ass, I was busting my ass in the ring. I have done more in this businjess in a day than you have done in your lifetime. AJ Styles - who in the hell are you. What have you done? You walk around here like you are king shit. Well you aren't shit. You never had to sleep in your car at a truck stop or a rest stop because you couldn't afford a hotel room. You've never had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for weeks on end because you couldn't afford to eat. You aint shit till you paid your dues like I've done. And when I let you be my tag partner you didn't do me a favor - I gave you an opportunity. And I'll be damned Ill be goddamned if I'm going to sit back while some snot nosed punk steals all the victories and Steals all the glory. Look at me when I talk to you - do you understand me?"
"Good, good . Cause from here on out - you just follow my lead. Oh by the way, you will respect me. "
Styles hits a surprise Enziguiri, discus clothesline, then puts the boot to Lynn. It's the Styles clash, and out of the ring for AJ.
Lets go to goldilocks in the back
"Before I get a word with Jasmine St. Claire about last weeks impromptu strip tease, let's get a look at how it went down. " Was that the theme from LA Law? God I hate that sax. I hope it doesn't come back.
"Excuse me Jasmine, can we get a word with you?" Francine attacks Jasmine. Hm.... White T shirt - shower. Hm.
SKANK and I'm fast forwarding.... Scrolling stuff at the bottom of the screen. "Hey don't forget next Wed. Sabu - Shamrock." Hey that was 10 minutes ago - we didn't forget.
K-Krush -vs- "Shut the hell up and sit down. I've got something to get off of my chest right now. I want every one of you folks in here, everybody that's watching this to look at me - look at me. I look like a star. Every time I grab this microphone I sound like a star. Whether I'm dancing down that ramp, whether I'm dancing down that ring, or whether I'm knocking the dust off somebody's stanky ass, I move like a star. I even smell like a star. So tell me this - why at this point in my career, am I not the biggest damn star in the business? Tell me this - why in my first few weeks here did they put me in the ring with a damn NASCAR driver. Why in the hell did the wwf - wwe - whatever the hell they call themself , why in the hell did they let me go. (Promenade my marmalade????) What the punk damn Thunder is that about? I tell you what it is I tell every last one of you what it is. They was afraid that K -krush was going to become something that they was scared of . They was afraid, Whether you like it or not, that I was going to become the hottest item they had . And you know what that means? That mens that they would have had to promote me - they would have to sell my t-shirts. Good Lord, forbid I get that damn gold round my ripped-up-ass waist. My whole life I've been kept down. My whole life I've been treated like a damn second hand citizien. And why? You want to know why ? Because they know that I'm better than they is and they're afraid of that. You better be afraid. You need to be afraid. You better be afraid, Because form this point on, I'm going to take whats posed to be mine. I'm gonna spit in some damn face while I'm doing it. After years and years of being oppressed, its time for me to move some damn things to the top of the mountain. Blow the top off this son of a bitch. But you know what, don't get it twisted. I'm not an angry black . Im just a damn truth - and the truth will no longer be denied." Screaming Norman Smiley.
Sign "We came to see the Wiggle"
Smiley is not wearing a sports jersey this week either. In fact, Lise comments that no straight man could coordinate THAT color of orange Speedo with matching shoes. Take from that what you will.
Did you see Jarrett -v- the Titans? Me neither. Smiley teases the wiggle after a nice move. OH THERE it is. K-krush with a cool backflip, splits to avoid a clothesline, and a spinny flippy kick. Man, either Smiley is selling badly or Krush is really coming up short on the slaps/punches in the corner. Smiley hits a hard clothesline, then bumps krush with his ass. I didn't need to see that. The announcers call that showboating. Lise comments the Smiley couldn't showboat if you gave him a paddle wheel and a steam engine. Front suplex looks like it buckles Smileys knee, and Krush gets the pin 1 - 2 - 3. Shit that looks like it hurt. Post match, Krush takes off his belt and wails on Smiley. The belt had sleigh bells? Or maybe Chains. Krush hung Smiley outside until a fat chick made the save. Krush chokes her out! Smiley is married to a big white chick? Security pulls her off... because she is going to eat him!
Goldie with a puppet the midget killer interview. Puppet is jacking off inside a trashcan. This is surreal. "What do you think, I'm spanking my monkey? Hey little girl, want some porridge? What do you mean what am I doing. I'm meditating - I'm putting my game face on. You know I have a little problem that I'm suffering from. We call it PMS. (PMS?) PMS - Pissed midget syndrome. And its not a little thing that summer breeze can take care of. The only thing that can cure my problem is beating midgets ass
"Ok, well, you must be referring to your match with Meatball tonight, the worlds largest midget."
"The worlds largest midget? youre either a midget or your mccauley calking. OH I got plans for this Meatball character See these 6 inch pythons? Im going to wrap my pythons right around his neck. Like spagehetti around a fork. Later if you're a good little girl, I'll show you my cobra".
"Don't you mean garden snake?"
"You know when my singing career takes off..." Goldilocks walks over into the Dupps. Oh look, he's playing with fire. I'm going to not recap this segment again this week. This is probably the low point of the show, but I'll give you this classic line. "You've got some pretty lips". "Thank you very much " I wasn't talking about those lips."
SKANKS AND I FAST FORWARD
Tag Team action. Memphis TN, 452 lbs - Siayaki and Estrada - the Flying Elvises. Would it kill you to put their names in the graphic? -vs- WE TAKE YOU BACK Dammit, can we get the whole match introduced at once? I paid to see this last week. I don't want to see it again this week. Their opponent 422lbs of Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels
Synchronized swimming to start. For a change one of each team is left in the ring. Skipper to the outside, and Daniels and to start. Estrada hits a cool move on Daniels. I guess tagging isn't required here. Who the heck is legal? OH there's a tag. Estrada with a cool running moonsault. Siaki takes a headset during the match. Estrada with a double arm powerbomb thingy. Siaki is out of breath and incoherent on the mic. Siaki wants to get over "me, me, and me" now he's going to show the ladies just how he gets down.
Siaki back in now with the tag and its Skipper to the corner. Big boot followed nothing. Siaki hits a nice backbreaker and tags in Estrada. Cool split leg moonsault by Estrada. Siaki back to the mic. Still out of breath. Estrada hits something like a razors edge. Skipper is taking a lot of damage. Siaki is still pimping himself. Skipper drops Estrada with a clothesline and crawls to make the tag.
Daniels cleans house with a dropkick and clothesline. Bulldog and clothesline at the same time to take down the Elvi. Skipper with a hurricanrana, then a power bomb by Daneils. Spot spot spot. No one is selling any long term damage from any of this .
Estrada off the top rope on Daniels for a 2 count. Big chops from Siaki. Daniels is re-energized though, until he runs into Siaki's knee.
Skipper distracts the ref so the Elvi can work Daniels in the corner. Daniels gets out of trouble with an enziguiri after being tossed into the other corner. Both men down.. crawling to the tag. Both men tag.
Skipper cleans house. Armdrag takeover - belly to belly - double underhook and a 2 count. Estrada tags in , and plants skipper. YOU FUCKED UP. Should have been a moonsault, was a skip and jump.
Daniels gets in , hits a double springboard moonsault, and gets a 2. Siaki makes the save, punishes Daniels in the corner. Skipper comes flying in and hits something for a 2. Siaki hits some sort of spinny twisty thing for a 2 count. I'm still not sure how Estrada and skipper are the two in the ring. Estrada hit a german suplex but skipper lands on his feet!!! Ref distracted so the 3 count for Skipper (he did some kick move) doesn't count.
Siaki finally ends this with the Money Clip(I think that was the call) The Dupps come flying in post match and knock Estrada about the head and shoulders with some easily split boards. Announcers remind us that "It's all about Sonny Siaki"
Dupps dance and make out. Not with each other... nevermind.
SKANK-A-Vision and I'm fast forwarding.... Teo is dancing with a skank. Nice.
Goldi - "Everyone knew that you had the match won - what was the point back there?" K-krush - "did you want to know about some damn points? How bout I slap you around, bitch?" SCOTT HALL attacks K-krush. "2 down, 1 to go".
4 foot 5, 251 lbs this is meatball. That's a shopping cart, but its full of groceries. Did they rip this off at the Piggly Wiggly? -vs- Chicago Illinois' PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF.
Puppet brings a trashcan in. Meatball eats Cheetos and takes a trashcan to the head. Now he's slammed into the can. He falls... slowly. Here's the slow motion pin. Puppet Methodically tosses the trash can for a Van Daminator. Meatball calculatingly tosses puppet against the ropes. The careful precision is amazing. I can actually recap this real time. Meatball hits a slam on the ramp and cartwheel to elbow drop. Puppet is having a hard time making this guy look at all like a threat. Over to the cart - Oh no it's a slowly approaching pie in the face. Now whipped cream... and an apple. This is HARD CORE!!! Get it... core.... Ugh. Shot to the nuts and... NOT THE 2 lb BAG OF SUGAR... FLOUR. It was actually a 20 lb bag of Flour Nevermind, it's what the announcers called it... OMG he just broke a melon over meatballs melon. Even the announcers know "this is not pretty at all.". "No, no it's not." Trashcan to the head and puppet is back in control. Here, catch this chair. Dropkick to the chair. FUCK that looks like it really hurt - Meatball rolled his head into the post and steps. It figures his best offense was against himself. Puppet with a DDT off the top ring stair and gets the 2 count. PLEASE END THIS. I'm not sure meatball can get back in the ring. Puppet on the ring apron, meatball slowly climbs up into the ring. Let's take 1 minute to set up this next spot. Puppet hits a leg drop onto meatball, then drags meatball into the corner and places a chair on him. Puppet to the top rope, and drops back down to the middle before hitting his move . 1- 2 - 3 and we're mercifully out.
Side note from Lise: You know, if you are a midget, and you are fat - and they say that for every 10 lbs overweight you are that it makes your dick look an inch smaller - can you imagine how small that guy's dick must look?
TEO is still dancing with a skank. You can see puppet walking off in the background. TEO keeps looking at her stomach, but then makes a move to steal her top. Wow, the announcers like this. I guess assaulting a skank is ok...
OH SHIT IT'S THE LA LAW THEME. Jasmine St. Claire comes out in a very thin white t shirt. She's feeling a bit Nipply, and the announcers want to make sure we notice. Hey guys - DUH. She calls out Francine.
Lockup and hair pulling roll. Careful de-shirting of Francine. Now a de-shortsing of Jasmine. Were down to a thing and tshirt , and Francine is hitting jasmine with a belt. Blue meanie out and he DDTs Francine Ed leaves the booth to check on Francine. Paramedics come in to rescue Francine. Should he be grabbing her ass like that?
So let me get this straight - they can hit 15 finishers in an X match, but one DDT is almost paralyzing for Francine?
Goldie in the back with MONKEY. He mumbles and leaves.
Tenay teaches us about Low-Ki;s Dragon Clutch (dragon sleeper and camel clutch combined) and the Ki Crusher '99. This is a pretty cool idea. It's a modified Fishermasn buster. AJ Styles has the Styles Clash which is a tarantula combined with a pedigree, and the spiral tap - which I call the flippy flippy move from the top rope.
MON-KEY (22 years old from Brooklyn) -vs- AJ Styles (X Division Champ)
Monkey is the ANGRY monkey - and gives the Baboon yell of Power.
The audio mix is really weird for this one. The crowd seems to be really into it, but the announcers are really over mixed. I guess there is a fight in the crowd about 2 minutes in because no one is watching the match. Oh there's the guy getting kicked out. This is a great match that no one is watching. Monkey tried a cartwheel kick and was met with a drop kick halfway through. AJ with the spinebuster, followed by sidewalk slam and a flip (sorta like rolling thunder). Low-Ki has some vicious kicks. Low-ki goes for a suplex but is taken out to the apron. AJ goes for the moonsault but no one is home - he lands on his feet and rolls. OH SHIT. Low-ki with a round house kick from the arena floor on AJ Styles who was charging from the ring. Both men are up on the apron trading kicks. Low-ki hits a dragon clutch on the ropes (think a backwards tarantula) Only a 2 count for Low-ki. Dragon sleeper locked in - monkey is screaming! AJ To the ropes to break the hold - moonsault to flip over and hit the inverted DDT on Low-ki. That was pretty. They trade offense for a bit - Low-Ki runs into a running powerslam in the middle of the ring. BIIIG vertical hold into a brainbuster! Geeesh. Low-ki whipped to the corner buy he ducks the splash. Lo -ki tries to hit a top rope move but is bulldogged down. AJ tries for the spiral tap but misses! Monkey gets him up for the ki krusher 99 - runs him into the turnbuckle - but the Ki krusher is reversed into a DDT. This is a nice sequence. Scary, but nice. AJ with a STIFF punch. Monkey tosses him into the corner and hits his cartwheel enziguiri combo. That looks pretty sweet. Ki to the top rope - hits his flippy move but it is reversed into a styles clash. Dang, that looked good too. Styles with the 1-2-3 and retains the belt
I've yet to watch an AJ Styles or Low-Ki match that I didn't like. These guys impress me more and more every week.
Post match Lynn spears AJ at the top of the ramp (vicious) and brings AJ back to the ring to deliver the cradle pile driver. A ladder comes out and is placed in the corner. Lynn grabs AJ up from the mat to hit the belly to belly into the ladder. Ladder in the middle of the ring, Lynn is throwing punched to the head of AJ Styles Lynn walks over to the middle and hits the facebuster on Styles on the ladder. THAT looked painful. Lynn slams Ajs head into the ladder and drops a leg on him. "COME ON PUNK, YOU WILL RESPECT ME PUNK" and a big stomp . Lynn leaves the ring with AJ a crumpled mess in the center draped over the ladder.
Styles staggers up after a bit but LYNN IS BACK OUT. Ladder in the middle again. DDT on the ladder and back to punches to the head. One more cradle pile driver. Lynn stands over him and points, and finally walks out of the ring. Next week these two have to defend the NWA Tag team belts... this is an interesting set up.
AJ is now finally getting out of the ring and walking out. Tenay tells us that there is breaking news - next weeks Sabu / Shamrock match is ladder or submission. Interesting.
SKANKS AGAIN and we are almost at the main event.
232 Lbs Memphis TN Brian Lawler -vs- .... Sign in crowd "Jerry's Kid" "Excuse me - if I could get everybody in here to sit down for a second and shut their mouths, ok? I thought I told you people last week that I am no longer Jerry's kid - I am my own man. Hey if I'm not mistaken I said sit down and shut up. Hold this. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I am going to take a quick second right here to give you people a few Jerry Lawler facts. You know you always want to bring his name up - you always want to bring his name up. I'll tell you have facts I have about the king. Fact number one. Did you know that Jerry Lawler has been married 3 times? That's right. He's been married 3 times and all 3 times his wife was younger than me. No - you don't applaud that. That, my friends, is sickening. Hey - hey listen to this one - listen to number 2 . Tonight, and this is a shoot, Tonight I left a ticket for Jerry Lawler to come down here, sit in the crowd and watch his son wrestle. You know what - he's not here. I forgot - Every Wednesday night he likes to hang out at the local high school with a fist full of candies. That makes me sick to my stomach. Hey listen to this one - number 3. This one involves Jerry Lawler , Jim Ross, and Vince McMahon. Listen to this one" Hall's music hits "Hey, I'm not through, I'm not through kill that music. Cut that music. I don't want to hear Scott Hall's music and I don't want to see his face. You people listen to me. Like I was saying oh-oh-oh you think Scott hall is coming out here so everyone wants to play, (*) everybody wants to cheer - everyone wants to see him - everyone loves Razor or whatever you want to call him. Let me tell you something - let me tell you what I think of Scott Hall. Let me tell you what I think about his, let me tell you what I know about him -- What they call him - last call Scott Hall -always the last one to leave the bar - always boozing it up... getting the last one in. hey I got more to say about Scott Hall . what .. what. What does this mean you bunch of morons (spins finger in air) Huh?. Oh its not the rodeo. You bunch of hillbillies. I don't go to the rodeo . I tell you what I do - do. I kick some ass. I am a legitimate bona fide, certified ass kicker. Hey and if anybody doubts me, you are more than welcome to step up in the ring right here and get you some of this bad boy right here Oh yeah...... oh yeah. I don't see anybody getting in here. Anybody over here? That's what I thought. That's what I thought. Anybody over here? " Smack. Did I mention Scott Hall has been standing behind him since about (*) 45 seconds ago?
Thumper with a few rights, then the angry dance. Lawler is out of the ring. Hall tosses him around, and Lawler does the smart thing and climbs the announce table. Hall does a jawbreaker to Lawler on the table. Hall whips Lawler into the fan railing. Punches and kicks to the head. Lawler is mugging like a fiend. . Lawler into the rign, then rolls out the other side. Now he's going up the ramp. Hall drops him with a big right hand. Lawler up and another bg right hand. Hall hits another bug punch and Lawler staggers over into the crowd to grab someone's purse. He hits hall in the head with it twice. HARDCORE PURSE ACTION. Lawler smacks Hall into the ringpost and rolls him into the ring. UP on the apron - HE's looking at the crowd getting the Jerry's kid chant. Lawler with a right - then another right and Hall drops. Lawler spits in the air and teases the crowd. Hall is picked up and walked into the corner for the 3 big right hands and a bite from Lawler. Lawler is jawing at the crowd again, but takes time out to kick Hall in the midsection. Lawler grabs both of halls legs and hits the head butt to the groin. Lawler is back up , and he picks up Hall. Lawler flips off the crowd and hits a snap suplex Hall whipped to the corner and Lawler hits three shoulder blocks to the midsection. More mugging to the crowd. The announcers keep saying that Lawler is more business like, but this is an much hot dogging as I've seen all night.
What worked for me: No Penis wrestlers, no Cheex (still), I still haven't had to watch the Harris brothers wrestle, and they dropped the payoff angle and the bound shirtless men angle. AJ and Low-Ki are impressive still, and I like Tenay more and more every week.
What didn't work: AT LEAST EXPLAIN the payoff angle! It's like this show wasn't part of the rest of the continuity of the others. What happened with the tying up people? Why hasn't anyone who has been tied up said who did it yet ? It's not like they killed them so they couldn't talk... I'm also pretty tired of the midget/dwarf stuff already. Meatball was so slow it was embarrassing.
All in all, still a decent show. It really feels like it is getting better each week. I'm excited to see what will come next week. This might be pretty good if they can keep it going for a few months. I'll be watching next week - will you?