|NWA Total Nonstop Action
NWA TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION #7
No time for an ad before the show this week, apparently
Coming to you LIVE from the TNA Shed in Nashville, TN 31.7.2 and only on pay-per-view, this is NWA Total Nonstop Action #7! Let's waste no time...
NWA X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: PRIME TIME
ELIX SKIPPER (challenger -
Atlanta, Georgia - 242 pounds) v. A.J. STYLES (champion - Atlanta, Georgia
- 224 pounds - with Jerry Lynn)
Your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG & VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND. Ricky Steamboat is here tonight! Tenay says he's already made some rulings - Malice was forced to return the NWA heavyweight title belt to Ken Shamrock and Jeff Jarrett's suspension was rescinded (at Scott Hall's request - they'll fight later tonight).
Hit the music - MONTY BROWN is out to spend a few minutes beating up Elix Skipper. "Nobody sets me up!" Taken in the ring, where Skipper manages a flurry of his own, but Brown reverses the whip, gutshot, big press...then drops him into a snap fallaway slam. Nicely done - and what a nice pair of white slacks (with belt)! Brown teases leaving - but comes back in to stomp a few more times and give the people what they want - the Alpha Bomb! YOU GO, MONTY!
Back to the commentary team, who calmly pick up talking about Hall and Jarrett. But *now*...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET brings out a loaded body bag, which does a lotta wriggling. "Since Ken Shamrock's not gonna be here tonight, and Ricky Steamboat has yet to arrive, I thought I would take this opportunity to not only entertain myself, but you fans as well. You know last week, when he suspended for sixty days - something you can see I take very seriously, Bill Behrens stated that not only was I not gonna get my title shot, but that I was gonna have to start from the bottom and work my way to the top. And I'm sure Ricky Steamboat would've told me exactly the same thing had I been to the scheduled meeting this week at the NWA offices. So I've had a few days to think about it. And I thought, what the hell - why don't I abide by their ridiculous rules, why don't I play ball? Why don't I do exactly what Bill Behrens said - start from the bottom and work my way to the top - well that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start..." He opens the bag to reveal TODD STONE, hands bound and electric tape covering his mouth. "...with a midget. You people want a pay-per-view spectacular? You want your ten bucks worth? Well tonight, I'm gonna cripple a midget, right on pay-per-view!" And there's a clothesline. Stomp, stomp. Piledriver! Scoop...and an over-the-shoulder slam. And there's the Stroke! "Oh my God, I just had a mini-Stroke! Any old women in the back? Bring some small farm animals out here, I don't give a damn - I'm startin' from the bottom." "WAIT - ONE - MINUTE! Wait one minute!" It's PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF. "Wait a minute, Puppet - Puppet, you short your little stinkin' sawed-off ass. Wait wait wait a minute, Puppet - listen to me - stand up when I'm talkin' to you, get in here. What, are you hot 'cause I'm stealing your shtick? 'cause I beat you to the punch - 'cause I'm one up on ya? Well you call yourself Puppet, the Midget Killer - well, tonight I'm not Jeff Jarrett - I'm the Dwarf Destroyer. So if you want some, come get some. Me and you." "Okay, sl- SLAP NUTS! But you know what we're gonna do - I'm gonna even up the sides." And he - he's packing heat? He pulls a gun from his waist. "How tough are you? How tough are you?" TNA SECURITY is out....but Puppet chases them all away. "Everybody just get away - get away from me - get the hell away from me - I will shoot your kneecaps off!" Jarrett's in with a chairshot that takes down Puppet - stomp! Here's one for poor Skipper (who has just started to get up) - another one for Puppet - and one more. WHACK! Geez, I hope somebody's picked up the GUN by now. And now, another voice. "That's enough - it all ends for you NOW there, pretty boy. It all ends now." It's RICKY STEAMBOAT, flanked by DON HARRIS & BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG. "You did it with Jim Miller, you did it with Bill Behrens, but you're not going to do it with me. No you're not, big guy, you're not going to do it with me. I understand last week that you got suspended. Lemme tell you something. We can either do this the easy way...or we can do it the hard way." "Wait, what's the hard way - three on one? You and Big Donny and Bullet gonna take me outta here? I got a proposal for you, Steamboat - instead of the easy way or the hard way, let's do it the old-fashioned way, man to man. You send your boys to the back - me and you, mano y mano - and a little stipulation. I beat your ass, I get a title shot. You beat mine, I'll take my suspension for sixty days." Steamboat seems amenable. "Whaddaya say, fans?" Armstrong vigorously shakes his head - but Steamboat removes his white jacket and sends them away. Steamboat in the ring and assuming a martial arts pose! Of course, Jarrett doesn't see CLEAN & SOBER sneaking into the ring behind him - right hand, right, right, clotheslines him out of the ring! TNA SECURITY comes out to stand in front of Jarrett while Hall brings a stretcher out from under the ring. Unfortunately, the mic isn't working while Hall says "Hey yo. Ricky Steamboat, you need to step aside - I ain't that worried about what you think - what these fans think - 'cause Jarrett, this is between you and me. For weeks, I been going out on a stretcher. Well, CHICO, tonight after our match, YOU go out on a stretcher." Play his music!
Wait...Puppet had a GUN? It's amazing how nobody on this show made any kind of big deal about this. I mean, when Brian Pillman had one on RAW, Joe Pedicino *actually* said the WORLD was going to END! Go ahead, go read it at http://groups.google.com/groups?threadm=55osp7PE24kcb%40mtinsc01-mgt.ops.worldnet.att.net if you don't believe me. Honestly, I don't even know what having this proves other than somebody wanted to show off how "edgy" they *think* they are. I eagerly anticipate the logical progression to rape scenes and public defecation - TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA!
Backstage, GOLDYLOCKS has Sonny Siaki, who appears to have taken an edict to only refer to himself in the third person to heart, although a stray "me" sneaks through. Don't check out Sonny Siaki's ass without Sonny Siaki's permission. Don't think nasty thoughts of Sonny Siaki. Elvis needed the Jordanaires, but that's because he's only half the man that Sonny Siaki is, Sonny Siaki doesn't need anybody - Yang and Estrada have the night off and besides, one Elvis is better than three. "Sonny has left the interview." I counted TWELVE.
One fall, twenty minute time limit
Backstage, Goldylocks (in second outfit) asks Steamboat how he's going to take control of this chaos. "You know, in all due respect Goldy, maybe you don't know me that well, maybe you don't know Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat, and you know, and I've had my share of up and downs and I've had my share of headaches. You know, but - that was then, this is now, the situation, the circumstances are all the same. Okay? You know, we've got the law that has been laid down by the NWA for decades - decades it's been laid own, now these guys are coming in here and think they can take the matter into their own hand. Well, I was given a call and I was called up to come in here and say 'Steamboat, can you handle this? Things are gettin' out of hand. The NWA law that was written down by our forefathers and has been carried through for decades is now just bein' thrown out of the window. These guys are just running through this place.' Well that's my job right now, and that's why I was called in, and when guys like Malice and Killings and Jarrett, if you don't like it...well buddy, you can just lump it because I'm here to set down the law." Goldy says if they didn't even listen to Bill Behrens, how will it be different for him? "Goldy, I'm not even gonna go there, I'm not even gonna answer that. You're trying to compare ME with Bill Behrens." He walks off, followed by Bruce. "Excuse me, Ricky, you got a second?"
As the TNA GRRLZ dance (well, shake their asses anyway) - and it looks like they at least didn't bring back the *retarded* girl this week - let's take a look at some of the upcoming NWA shows...possibly in YOUR area!
NWA SW - 1 August - Ft. Worth, TX
THE TRUTH is out. Sign in crowd: "THE TRUTH IS YOUR MY BITCH" Sign not in crowd: "I CANNOT SPELL" "Cut the music off! Look at you! My sister." He's found the black TNA Girl. "They got you out here, caged up like some kinda animal. They got you out here against your owon free will, don't they? I know. They are all modern-day P.T. Barnum's, aren't they. You can tell me. You want me to tell you the truth? You wanna know the truth? They are exposing you for their own benefit. They are exposing you for the almighty dollar. How does that make you feel about yourself? Feel good? You wanna know the truth? This ain't nothin' but a damn freak show. The TRUTH has taken a stand, my sista." She yawns. "It's time for you to take your stand, and tell everybody the barbaric ways in which you was treated by them. (to crowd) Shut the hell up while I'm talkin'! 'Oh, K-Krush, oh, Mr. Truth, oh, I told you last week, I don't know what you're talkin' about! I love the money they pay me, I make good money. This is not a cage - this is a platform! This is a stage! I'm a DANCER!' Dancer, my ass. You are nothing more than a two dollar ho. What? They done brainwashed you already? I guess they told you that you was gon' be like a big star or something like that. Let me get it - you gon' be the next Destiny's Child, huh? You know what? Your only destiny is a street corner in the damn 'hood." So she slaps him one. "The truth hurts, doesn't it? But you know what - you ain't felt nothin' yet." He moves to remove his belt - presumably to whip her and not as a prelude to rape, but who can say anymore - fortunately, THE MAN THEY CALL...MONTY runs out and makes the save, taking Truth over the barricade and into the crowd. "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Man, how come all the brothers beat up all the OTHER brothers on this show? Truth finally reverses a whip into the wall to turn it back around - then grabs a conveniently placed garbage can with 2x4, hits him, then breaks the 2x4 over his back. People need to stop throwing away 2x4s around here! Truth makes his way to the back as we take another look at the dancer's ass. Brown is helped backstage soon after...
...but now RICKY STEAMBOAT is back out. "Ron...or is it, or is it Ron 'The Truth' - or whatever you call yourself right now, I, it really doesn't even matter to me. But you've certainly got my attention. You can't handle the truth is what the fans are saying, you've certainly got my attention. What's that?" Hey Steamboat, stop talking with the fans already, we can't hear them. "If there's something that you want to say about THEM, and I've been listening to you talk here for the last couple of weeks, if there's something you want to say about THEM, well at least come down here and have the balls to say it to my face." Play his music - THE TRUTH is out for a second time. Wow, they're really burying Bill Behrens here - work or shoot? NOBODY CARES "Look, son--" Truth swipes the mic. "I ain't nobody's son - and when you talk to me, talk to me with some damn respect." "Truth, Ron, whatever you call yourself - if you want me to give you respect, you're gonna have to earn it. I've been listening to you carry on here for the last couple of weeks, and to tell YOU the truth, I don't know what card you've been dealin'. If you're talkin' about THEM in an authoritative speaking, well you're talking about ME when it comes to authority. Now if you're talking about THEM when it comes to the colour of skin - well then we've got another problem. Either way, I'm here to listen to you talk." "First of all, you consider yourself just like them. Look again - you're not. You mean just about as much to them as I do. You want me to give you proof? You want more proof to back that up? Let's talk about your own career, okay? As a matter of fact, let's talk about your WWF career, how about that. Now let's see, how can I start this off. The great Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat. I grew up a big fan of yours, Ricky. Huge fan. People as of right now, to this very day, is talkin' about Savage and Steamboat and WrestleMania III. And I doubt if it'll ever stop. But you know what? On that same very night that you reached your goals at a pinnacle time in your career, you became the intercontinental champion - am I right or am I wrong? Well then - why did it just stop? Why didn't you get an opportunity to become the WWF Champion? Go for the BIG gold - why did THEY stop you? Was it THEM holding you back? Like they hold me back? Rick - Dragon - look in my eyes and tell me I know what I'm talking about - the intercontinental belt was always for a second-class citizen. Oh yes! Oh yes, Dragon - fifteen years later, they pulling the same shiznit on me. But you know what? I am tired, I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it. You know where I'm comin' from, Dragon - you've been there. You can change all of this. You can do it. You make the decisions, and for all of us - make the right one." Truth offers the mic. Steamboat takes it. "As much as it hurts my feelings, I know where you're coming from. You're talking about THEM - I know where you're coming from. So this is what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna give you that opportunity of a lifetime - I'm gonna give you that shot - it's gonna BE for the NWA heavyweight championship of the world - Ken Shamrock and Ron 'The Truth' Killings, it's gonna happen here next week, you got it." Steamboat leaves the ring. "That's all I want! That's what I'm saying! That's what I wanted!" Play his music! "I'm the man!" Then he starts...RAPPING. But...but he's still a heel, right? Man, I'm so confused. Tenay acknowledges that Truth makes the international "I want da belt" hand motion, so I will, too.
Commentators are agog.
One fall, twenty minute ltime limit
NWA East - 2 August - McKeesport, PA
Don West is in the ring to introduce MISS TNA, TAYLOR VAUGHN, who we haven't seen since she won the battle royal to TAKE this title. Before she can answer a question, BRUCE is out. "You know, Taylor - as I sat home last week watching TNA, I noticed The Truth come out here. As I listened to every word he said, not only did I agree with him, but I was inspired. You see, I too wanna be treated...equally. I too am tired of being treated like a second-class citizen. And I too wanna have rights. So at this time I'm gonna request, as The Truth stated last week on this program, you can either treat me like them and not give me an opportunity...or you can put that Miss TNA title on the line right here, right now, bitch." "Did you just call me a bitch? Well, let me just start by saying..." She runs a finger down his chest - umm, he don't swing that way. Maybe she thinks she can convert him? "...I'm gonna kick your HOMO ass!" And the word "homo" is punctuated with that old standby, the uppernut. Sensing an opportunity, referee Scott Armstrong slides into the ring and there's a bell...
TAYLOR VAUGHN v. BRUCE - Sash and tiara removed, shoes removed - and thrown at Bruce. Vaughn with a suplex! Not even one before the kickout. Scoop...and a slam! 1, no. Chop! Chop! Into the opposite corner is reversed... "I'm gonnna kick this bitch's ass!" But Vaughn runs at him and takes him down. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Bruce pulls her up into a short clothesline. He's STILL holding his balls! Got her by the hair - slap - abdominal stretch. Scoop...and a slam by Bruce. Bruce to the second rope - but she rolls away from the guillotine legdrop! DO SOMETHING! Vaughn up - whip is reversed - Bruce with a tilt-a-whirl into a faceplant - or boobplant, I dunno. 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Miss TNA. (Modesto is strictly for the 2:09) Bruce gets a little verklempt as Armstrong presents the "MISS TNA" sash and tiara. Tenay wonders if Lenny is proud - or jealous.
Backstage, Goldylocks (now in her THIRD outfit) tries to get a comment out of Low-Ki prior to his match with Jerry Lynn. "This is the second time. I'm sorry. I do my talking out there." Doesn't his voice seem about three octaves lower than you'd expect it to be?
NWA Battlezone - 3 August - Magee, MS
One fall, twenty minute time limit
Goldylocks catches up with Don Harris. "What do you want, Goldy? You want me to stand here, cut you some rasslin' promo, yellin' and screamin', tellin' you what I'm gonna do to Malice? No. Malice...he got one up on me this week - that's cool. But I tell you what, if it's blood he wants, it's blood he's gonna get. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna talk to Ricky Steamboat, I'm gonna have him book me a First Blood match, and make no mistake about it - payback's a bitch - don't start no shit, and there'll be no shit." Huh?
It's gotta be TOUGH dancing like that with a vapid look like that! NWA crawl is in repeats so I have nothing better to do than ponder their lack of love for life.
Time now for DISCO INFERNO'S JIVE TALKIN'. "Welcome to Jive Talkin'! After I made the announcement last week that Jive Talkin' was going to be the hottest talk show ever on pay-per-view...my cel phone has been ringin' off the hook. Now I can't name names right now, but let's just say that I have been in discussions with network executives to replace a very popular famous black female talk show host that happens to have her own book club AND recurring weight problem." Star Jones? "Now due to legalities, and the fact that I personally know Steadman, I can't reveal her name at this time. And let the record show that my nationwide search for the hottest, sexiest, dumbest bitch I can find has begun to be my first-ever Miss Jive Talkin'. And she will be revealed in the coming weeks. Now onto tonight. Now they call this show TNA and I'm not gonna lie to ya - I've seen a lot of A, but I haven't seen that much T. So for the first time ever on pay-per-view, let me introduce my very first guest - who will also be the first-ever person to expose her naked breasts on my show Jive Talkin'...and she is one hot sexy dumb bitch - lemme introduce to you GOLDYLOCKS!" Out she comes in her second outfit (complete with "No Dupps" logo) "Welcome--" "Excuse me! You just insulted me." "Nah, nah, I didn't insult you. I don't know what you're talking about." "No, you just - (to random fan) Hey, shut up - you just called me a dumb bitch." "I didn't call you a dumb bitch!" "Yeah, you just did. You called me a dumb bitch." "Wait, Goldylocks, um - I just meant that you're misunderstood, that's all I meant by that." "Look, pal - I'm on your show - I took my precious time (ZOOM OUT! TOO CLOSE!! ZOOM OUT!!!!) to come down here and do this for you, talkin' about...the music and the first thing out of your mouth is an insult, so you know what that means, that means I'm outta here. Thanks." "Oh no no, hold on, Goldy, no come sit on the couch, no no no, don't go, don't go! Please, sit on the couch, sit on my couch, this is Jive Talkin', my first-ever segment of Jive Talkin'." "You know what I'm not gonna sit on your couch, 'cause Goldylocks doesn't sit on the couch of jackasses." Where does she sit at HER place? "All right, you want me to apologise? I'll apologise. To the whole world and to everybody and to you, I'm sorry, now will you please--" "I don't need an apology, that's fine." "Okay. Now please, sit on the couch, sit on my lovely couch, here look at this thing! Have a seat." They sit. "Umm...Goldylocks, the girls I bring on my show have class - uh, could you please not sit like that and show some class on my show, please?" She crosses her legs. "Now we're here to talk about music and ah - first of all, you're from California, right?" "Yes, I'm from California." "What part of California?" "Los Angeles, and you knew that!" "Well maybe they didn't. Now Los Angeles is a hotbed for music, and you know the Disco Inferno knows a lot about music, you know I'm personal friends with the Bee Geez, I've had dinner with the Village People - KC from KC & the Sunshine Band is a good friend of mine, now - is there a musical artist that you sound like that these fans can identify with to let them know kinda what your music sounds like?" "You know I've had the honour of some people describing my music or saying I'm similar to kinda like a female Kid Rock, so..." "Who?" "Kid Rock?" "Does anybody here know a guy named Kid Rock? Well I guess a couple people know who Kid Rock is. Goldylocks, why don't you tell us some of your ah - tell us some of the songs you since, some of the titles and names of some of the songs on your album." "Well Disco...Duck or whatever you are, I have one called 'Pie Hole,' I'm sure you can identify with that! Hahaha - yeah, okay - I have another one called 'Bitch Don't Cry.'" "Oh! 'Bitch Don't Cry.' What is that, an autobiography?" "Hahaha! Anyway, I have another one called 'Lucy Leadfoot.' I have a ballad that I'm really really proud of that's called 'Waiting for Love,' and it was produced by--" "All right all right all right, enough of that, enough of your music, enough of your music. All right? Now Disco Inferno promised something and I deliver, now stand up, take off your shirt and show the world your naked breasts." "Excuse me, did you say to show my breasts?" "Yeah, what did I stutter? Make yourself useful, take your shirt off and show the world your naked breasts!" "You know you totally make me sick." "Well be that as may be, you still have to take your shirt off and show the world your breasts, I promised!" "Look, pal, I don't see you gettin' ready to drop trou and show the world YOUR hairy-ass balls." "Hey whoa whoa whoa, hang on don't be risque on my show, here - and you keep my balls out of this, young lady! Now take your shirt off and show the world your breasts." "Show the world my breasts, you know what I think I can speak for the women of the world, at least the women of Nashville, that we have something better to do than to show you our GOODS - c'mon girls!" Crowd boos, of course. GOOD THINKING, GANG. "You know what? Boo to you - and I am so outta here." "Hey, you know what, Goldylocks? I brought you on the show 'cause I thought you had talent. You know what? You don't have any talent. The only talent you have, you can't show on my show because you obviously did not bring your kneepads with you." And there's the predictable slap. Inferno goes for the goozle. "Don't you ever put your hands on me you dirty SLUT, don't you--" She knees him in the jimmy. "Well that would have hurt a lot - a lot more, like double if there would have been something down there for me to hit! You GAAH--" Well, TOUGH ENOUGH'S PAULINA is out and they recreate the first Chyna/Marlena encounter. She helps Inferno to his feet. "Please - please join me next week for Jive Talkin'." Wow, this segment was about seven minutes too long. Unfortunately, they fade out about three seconds AFTER Goldy starts the no-sell instead of BEFORE. Now don't get me wrong, because Disco is probably the one guy most likely to send me email under an assumed name, but...well, I strongly doubt I'll EVER transcribe one of these again because they're awful and they suck. Sorry.
Besides, can you *imagine* how it must be that it must have been cheaper for these guys to use Paulina as opposed to, say, Nicole Bass? I know! I can't believe it myself!
Don West rises from his seat to go into two minutes of "Shop At Home" style shilling for next week's show. SEE his head get as red at his shirt! BOGGLE as he lives through it! CHUCKLE when he mistakenly refers to Ricky "the Steamboat" Dragon! WONDER how many more weeks they'll give him in this gig!
Main event of the evening
Gang, I had originally thought I could recap these shows until they went under, but a couple more shows like tonight and they're SURE to outlast me! One of our two good matches was completely wasted by another bizarro turn that makes no sense, we got Truth conning Steamboat into giving him a title shot, which makes no sense, continuity is tossed out the window in favour of a pell-mell willy-nilly style we've all been through before and most of all it usually makes no sense, on the misogyny scale we're rapidly moving off the charts as I don't think a single woman escaped being called either a bitch or a ho, I'm not sure there are any actual faces LEFT on this show...and finally, lest we forget, somebody - or several somebodies - figured it'd be BOFFO to include a GUN in all this.
I have no problem with the idea that it'd be nice to have for a viable alternative to the WWE, really I don't. But honestly, I can't quite figure how people - ANYBODY - can find this garbage defensible as something worth viewing, much less purchasing. Maybe you can explain it to me?