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NWA Total Nonstop Action





No time for an ad before the show this week, apparently

Opening Credits

Coming to you LIVE from the TNA Shed in Nashville, TN 31.7.2 and only on pay-per-view, this is NWA Total Nonstop Action #7! Let's waste no time...

NWA X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: PRIME TIME ELIX SKIPPER (challenger - Atlanta, Georgia - 242 pounds) v. A.J. STYLES (champion - Atlanta, Georgia - 224 pounds - with Jerry Lynn)
Styles doesn't come out to his music - is that Lynn's music? Nobody notices except me, so we'll move on. Y'know, based on the rankings match they had three weeks ago, I show *at least* Kid Romeo and Christopher Daniels ahead of Skipper on the rankings, and possibly Low-Ki is still ahead of him as well, but it's still Skipper getting the shot? Nobody mentions THAT, either, so who knows. Lynn joins the commentators as Styles poses with the belt just long enough for Skipper to punk him out from behind and we're underway. Foreram, kick, into the ropes, reversed, reversed back, gutshot by Skipper, spinning into a kick. Styles slaps, right, right, whip is reversed, reversed back, Skipper into the ropes, Skipper eats a kick. Gutshot by Styles, off the ropes with a quick neckbreaker for 2. Skipper elbow, elbow, off the ropes and Styles clotheslines him. Skipper to the apron - Styles brings him back in but he lands on his feet - Skipper waistlock, standing switch, switch back, Styles back elbows out, right, chop, right, into the opposite corner, calling to the crowd...dropkicks and backflips, then clotheslines Skipper again. Lynn and Styles are all right, says Lynn. Hooks the leg, 1, 2, no, 1, 2, Matrix by Skipper. Styles ducks a big boot from Skipper, chop, elbow, elbow, kneelift, into the ropes, nice dropkick. Elbow, into the opposite corner, Skipper up and over, waistlock...standing switch - suplex blocked, standing switch by Skipper, Styles blocks the attempt - but not the second time as Skipper hits a dragon suplex and release! Skipper's up first - off the ropes with a running shoulderblock to the temple. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up - European uppercut - Styles in the corner, forearm to the chest by Skipper, again, back elbow, jumps into a mule kick on his way to a front flip. Back up, forearm, into the opposite corner...but runs into a superkick by Styles. Kick caught, Styles punches him away, then DOES connect on a kick. Gutshot, kick caught, right, right and Skipper lets go, catches ANOTHER kick, Skipper with a death suplex. Boot to the head. Ferrara DOES mention Skipper is #3 contender without mentioning why he's getting the shot tonight. Front slam. Skipper springs up, then spins into a legdrop on the way down. Press - 1, 2, no. Skipper tries again - another 2. Give him ANOTHER 2 count. Forearm to the back by Skipper. Styles pops him in the gut, again, again, Skipper with a knee to put Styles back down. Gutwrench into a powerbomb by Skipper gets 2. Gutshot by Skipper, again, Styles right, right, right, kick, kick, kick caught and Skipper shoves him away with that foot. Skipper drops the elbow - again - three times with the elbow to the back of the neck. Cover - 2. Tenay notes Skipper is working the head and neck. Skipper goes outside and puts a forearm to the neck. Skipper wrapped around the corner of the apron. Axe kick from the floor to Styles on the apron by Skipper - nice. Pulls Styles out - whip into the ring is reversed and it's Skipper's back hitting the corner of the apron hard. Lynn's voice is now *perfectly* blending in with the ambient crowd noise and I can't hear a damn word he's saying. Styles is ready to come back - forearm - rolled back in - but Skipper is ready with a stomp as Styles tries to get back in. Stomp. Skipper with a double underhook into a floatover into, sort of a dragon sleeper, only with Styles on his back - Styles manages to pound his way out of the hold. Skipper right back with a forerarm. Styles with an uppercut. Right, right, into the ropes, tries a Frankensteiner but Skipper counters into a powerbomb! 1, 2, no. Skipper has some words with Charles about the pinfall count. Skipper thinks about what to do next - standing over the back, rolls him up - 1, 2, didn't kick out from my view but Charles says the shoulder is up. Skipper moves to another pretzel hold, cranking the neck. Styles manages to slip his boot over the bottom rope and Skipper makes sure to hold it for 4. Skipper winds up for the neckbreaker and it's a textbook application. Oh boy, CHAD is in the house! Forearm by Skipper. Gutshot by Skipper, forearm in the back, grabs a waistlock - Styles stands fast, blocking the Northern Lights suplex and actually manges to sit down, getting on his OWN chokehold - Skipper pounds away on the back until Styles is shrugged off. Styles up first - forearm, right - Skipper turns him for a dragon sleeper, but Styles reverses to a Slop Drop. Styles is going to the top rope! But there's NOBODY HOME on the guillotine attempt. Skipper puts him into the ropes, but Styles hooks them - so Skipper kicks him. Styles sent into the ropes again - Styles hooks the ropes AGAIN, but this time when Skipper runs at him, Styles puts the boots up, then powers him over the top to the floor with a body scissors! Styles out as well - forearm. Whip into the ring is reversed, but Styles leaps onto the apron. Back kick for Skipper - moonsault misses and he lands on his feet - Skipper ducks a clothesline, Styles upends HIM onto the apron, Skipper back kick, quickly back in the ring, Skipper with a pescado (with a twist)! Styles put back in the ring, Skipper has a look for the crowd before following. "Prime Time, baby!" Going for the Play of the Day, but Styles raises him up - tries to step into the Styles Clash - Skipper up the back and down with a rollup - 1, 2, no! Styles ducks a clothesline, Skipper uses his momentum to leap to the top rope - Styles throws a dropkick and apparently gets JUST enough to take out his legs - Skipper drops down as if starting a split-legged moonsault, but instead goes SPLAT *right* on his head. Styles goes up - and hits the Spiral Tap! 1, 2, 3! (12:39) *** Nice of Lynn to be wearing a WWO T-shirt, by the way.

Your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG & VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND. Ricky Steamboat is here tonight! Tenay says he's already made some rulings - Malice was forced to return the NWA heavyweight title belt to Ken Shamrock and Jeff Jarrett's suspension was rescinded (at Scott Hall's request - they'll fight later tonight).

Hit the music - MONTY BROWN is out to spend a few minutes beating up Elix Skipper. "Nobody sets me up!" Taken in the ring, where Skipper manages a flurry of his own, but Brown reverses the whip, gutshot, big press...then drops him into a snap fallaway slam. Nicely done - and what a nice pair of white slacks (with belt)! Brown teases leaving - but comes back in to stomp a few more times and give the people what they want - the Alpha Bomb! YOU GO, MONTY!

Back to the commentary team, who calmly pick up talking about Hall and Jarrett. But *now*...

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET brings out a loaded body bag, which does a lotta wriggling. "Since Ken Shamrock's not gonna be here tonight, and Ricky Steamboat has yet to arrive, I thought I would take this opportunity to not only entertain myself, but you fans as well. You know last week, when he suspended for sixty days - something you can see I take very seriously, Bill Behrens stated that not only was I not gonna get my title shot, but that I was gonna have to start from the bottom and work my way to the top. And I'm sure Ricky Steamboat would've told me exactly the same thing had I been to the scheduled meeting this week at the NWA offices. So I've had a few days to think about it. And I thought, what the hell - why don't I abide by their ridiculous rules, why don't I play ball? Why don't I do exactly what Bill Behrens said - start from the bottom and work my way to the top - well that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start..." He opens the bag to reveal TODD STONE, hands bound and electric tape covering his mouth. "...with a midget. You people want a pay-per-view spectacular? You want your ten bucks worth? Well tonight, I'm gonna cripple a midget, right on pay-per-view!" And there's a clothesline. Stomp, stomp. Piledriver! Scoop...and an over-the-shoulder slam. And there's the Stroke! "Oh my God, I just had a mini-Stroke! Any old women in the back? Bring some small farm animals out here, I don't give a damn - I'm startin' from the bottom." "WAIT - ONE - MINUTE! Wait one minute!" It's PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF. "Wait a minute, Puppet - Puppet, you short your little stinkin' sawed-off ass. Wait wait wait a minute, Puppet - listen to me - stand up when I'm talkin' to you, get in here. What, are you hot 'cause I'm stealing your shtick? 'cause I beat you to the punch - 'cause I'm one up on ya? Well you call yourself Puppet, the Midget Killer - well, tonight I'm not Jeff Jarrett - I'm the Dwarf Destroyer. So if you want some, come get some. Me and you." "Okay, sl- SLAP NUTS! But you know what we're gonna do - I'm gonna even up the sides." And he - he's packing heat? He pulls a gun from his waist. "How tough are you? How tough are you?" TNA SECURITY is out....but Puppet chases them all away. "Everybody just get away - get away from me - get the hell away from me - I will shoot your kneecaps off!" Jarrett's in with a chairshot that takes down Puppet - stomp! Here's one for poor Skipper (who has just started to get up) - another one for Puppet - and one more. WHACK! Geez, I hope somebody's picked up the GUN by now. And now, another voice. "That's enough - it all ends for you NOW there, pretty boy. It all ends now." It's RICKY STEAMBOAT, flanked by DON HARRIS & BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG. "You did it with Jim Miller, you did it with Bill Behrens, but you're not going to do it with me. No you're not, big guy, you're not going to do it with me. I understand last week that you got suspended. Lemme tell you something. We can either do this the easy way...or we can do it the hard way." "Wait, what's the hard way - three on one? You and Big Donny and Bullet gonna take me outta here? I got a proposal for you, Steamboat - instead of the easy way or the hard way, let's do it the old-fashioned way, man to man. You send your boys to the back - me and you, mano y mano - and a little stipulation. I beat your ass, I get a title shot. You beat mine, I'll take my suspension for sixty days." Steamboat seems amenable. "Whaddaya say, fans?" Armstrong vigorously shakes his head - but Steamboat removes his white jacket and sends them away. Steamboat in the ring and assuming a martial arts pose! Of course, Jarrett doesn't see CLEAN & SOBER sneaking into the ring behind him - right hand, right, right, clotheslines him out of the ring! TNA SECURITY comes out to stand in front of Jarrett while Hall brings a stretcher out from under the ring. Unfortunately, the mic isn't working while Hall says "Hey yo. Ricky Steamboat, you need to step aside - I ain't that worried about what you think - what these fans think - 'cause Jarrett, this is between you and me. For weeks, I been going out on a stretcher. Well, CHICO, tonight after our match, YOU go out on a stretcher." Play his music!

Wait...Puppet had a GUN? It's amazing how nobody on this show made any kind of big deal about this. I mean, when Brian Pillman had one on RAW, Joe Pedicino *actually* said the WORLD was going to END! Go ahead, go read it at if you don't believe me. Honestly, I don't even know what having this proves other than somebody wanted to show off how "edgy" they *think* they are. I eagerly anticipate the logical progression to rape scenes and public defecation - TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA!

Backstage, GOLDYLOCKS has Sonny Siaki, who appears to have taken an edict to only refer to himself in the third person to heart, although a stray "me" sneaks through. Don't check out Sonny Siaki's ass without Sonny Siaki's permission. Don't think nasty thoughts of Sonny Siaki. Elvis needed the Jordanaires, but that's because he's only half the man that Sonny Siaki is, Sonny Siaki doesn't need anybody - Yang and Estrada have the night off and besides, one Elvis is better than three. "Sonny has left the interview." I counted TWELVE.

One fall, twenty minute time limit
THIS IS SLASH (from the Disciples of the New Church - led by Father James Mitchell) v. THIS IS SONNY SIAKI (Memphis, Tennessee)
Siaki ducks, strikes a pose, and eats a gutshot. In the corner, Slash right, right, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp - walks on his chest. Mitchell joins the commentators to display his "Ark of the New Church," which carries "the blood of the audad." Actually, Mitchell misspells aoudad, which means somebody got busy searching the web for cool things to "appropriate" for their "brilliant" "gimmicks" and ended up getting some bad information....and passing it on. For heaven's sakes, people make MONEY doing this! Can you BELIEVE it? Slash runs into an armdrag, but the camera manages to not show Siaki doing anything, which looks quite comical. Another armdrag, and we at least see Siaki this time. Siaki with a geez, zoom out already cameraman, I can't see a damn thing. Standing front flip into a legdrop by Siaki. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Chop! Chop! Into the corner, Slash puts Siaki on the apron - shoulder through the ropes by Slash - pulls him in the centre - over the top to try a sunset flip to the floor - but Siaki reverses to a headscissors takeover. Siaki with an uppercut. Whip into the barricade - back body drop as he comes out. In a move that insiders all over the 'Net now go atwitter over, DOWN COMES THE JUMPSUIT! Stomp. Slash thrown between the ropes to put him back in. Guerrero-esque slingshot senton back in by Siaki - leg is hooked - 2. Into the ropes, Slash ducks, scoop..and Siaki is landed on his feet - Slash with an elbow to the chest into the Slop Drop - 1, 2, no. Slash stomps. In the corner, chop. Forearm across the back. Slash opens up every orifice he can find in Siaki's face. Powerbomb coming up? Siaki on the back - no, it's a helicopter and drop! ("Slash and Burn") - 1, 2, no! Pump kick. Running elbowdrop. 1, 2, Siaki kicks out. Kick. Off the ropes, forearm to the back of the head. Slash makes the international sign of...well, I don't know what his move is yet. Aha, it's a variation of the cobra clutch! Slash applies it from the side instead of from the back. Siaki to a knee. Say, I was just wondering, folks - in this match...who's the face? Armstrong grabs the arm - arm falls once - still to come tonight, Malice meets Apolo - arm falls twice - and don't forget Jarrett vs. Hall! Arm does not fall thrice. Siaki with an elbow to the gut, a second, Slash with a side Russian leg sweep - cover - 2! Siaki reverses the whip into the corner but Slash puts the boot up. Slash coming to the top - Siaki slaps him - climbing up after him - Slash to the back, again, Slash on top, pulling Siaki to the top, gutshot causes Siaki to straddle the rope which in turn trips up Slash and HE crotches himself. Everybody's down. Slash manages to stand back up on top again - off with a somersault senton - noooo water in the pool. Both men up at the same time - Siaki with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, discus right, into the ropes is reversed - or attempted but Slash runs into a back elbow. Siaki with a lariat. Pumphandle...and taken over with the suplex! 1, 2, foot on the bottom rope! Siaki with a snap suplex. Siaki going up...HE misses a senton. (People need to stop trying sentons around here!) Mitchell has passed...a black hood? While Armstrong is occupied, Slash puts the hood on Siaki, gives him a neckbreaker, removes the hood, hooks a leg, 1, 2, 3. Um...okay. (7:39) ** Mitchell is in as Slash adds a stomp or a few. Siaki stood up against the ropes - Slash outside on the apron and holding him. "Silence! The blood of the aoudad can be used to anoint or desecrate. Now Sonny Siaki obviously chose the wrong let the desecration begin." Mitchell draws what appears to be a greek letter psi on Siaki's forehead (so don't call it a cross!) in "blood." Man, you know I was just SAYING there wasn't enough occult crap in wrestling these days...anyway, DON HARRIS comes out, (oops - Ferrara calls him "Ron Harris" at first) clotheslines Slash, clothesline, gutshot, powerbomb - "now *that's* Security!" MALICE is out but Mitchell holds him back. Each man points to the other. Mitchell finally pulls them back. Play their music again!

Backstage, Goldylocks (in second outfit) asks Steamboat how he's going to take control of this chaos. "You know, in all due respect Goldy, maybe you don't know me that well, maybe you don't know Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat, and you know, and I've had my share of up and downs and I've had my share of headaches. You know, but - that was then, this is now, the situation, the circumstances are all the same. Okay? You know, we've got the law that has been laid down by the NWA for decades - decades it's been laid own, now these guys are coming in here and think they can take the matter into their own hand. Well, I was given a call and I was called up to come in here and say 'Steamboat, can you handle this? Things are gettin' out of hand. The NWA law that was written down by our forefathers and has been carried through for decades is now just bein' thrown out of the window. These guys are just running through this place.' Well that's my job right now, and that's why I was called in, and when guys like Malice and Killings and Jarrett, if you don't like it...well buddy, you can just lump it because I'm here to set down the law." Goldy says if they didn't even listen to Bill Behrens, how will it be different for him? "Goldy, I'm not even gonna go there, I'm not even gonna answer that. You're trying to compare ME with Bill Behrens." He walks off, followed by Bruce. "Excuse me, Ricky, you got a second?"

As the TNA GRRLZ dance (well, shake their asses anyway) - and it looks like they at least didn't bring back the *retarded* girl this week - let's take a look at some of the upcoming NWA shows...possibly in YOUR area!

NWA SW - 1 August - Ft. Worth, TX
NWA Wildside - 2 August - Cornelia, GA
NWA Florida & IPW - 2 August - St. Petersburg, FL

THE TRUTH is out. Sign in crowd: "THE TRUTH IS YOUR MY BITCH" Sign not in crowd: "I CANNOT SPELL" "Cut the music off! Look at you! My sister." He's found the black TNA Girl. "They got you out here, caged up like some kinda animal. They got you out here against your owon free will, don't they? I know. They are all modern-day P.T. Barnum's, aren't they. You can tell me. You want me to tell you the truth? You wanna know the truth? They are exposing you for their own benefit. They are exposing you for the almighty dollar. How does that make you feel about yourself? Feel good? You wanna know the truth? This ain't nothin' but a damn freak show. The TRUTH has taken a stand, my sista." She yawns. "It's time for you to take your stand, and tell everybody the barbaric ways in which you was treated by them. (to crowd) Shut the hell up while I'm talkin'! 'Oh, K-Krush, oh, Mr. Truth, oh, I told you last week, I don't know what you're talkin' about! I love the money they pay me, I make good money. This is not a cage - this is a platform! This is a stage! I'm a DANCER!' Dancer, my ass. You are nothing more than a two dollar ho. What? They done brainwashed you already? I guess they told you that you was gon' be like a big star or something like that. Let me get it - you gon' be the next Destiny's Child, huh? You know what? Your only destiny is a street corner in the damn 'hood." So she slaps him one. "The truth hurts, doesn't it? But you know what - you ain't felt nothin' yet." He moves to remove his belt - presumably to whip her and not as a prelude to rape, but who can say anymore - fortunately, THE MAN THEY CALL...MONTY runs out and makes the save, taking Truth over the barricade and into the crowd. "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Man, how come all the brothers beat up all the OTHER brothers on this show? Truth finally reverses a whip into the wall to turn it back around - then grabs a conveniently placed garbage can with 2x4, hits him, then breaks the 2x4 over his back. People need to stop throwing away 2x4s around here! Truth makes his way to the back as we take another look at the dancer's ass. Brown is helped backstage soon after...

...but now RICKY STEAMBOAT is back out. "Ron...or is it, or is it Ron 'The Truth' - or whatever you call yourself right now, I, it really doesn't even matter to me. But you've certainly got my attention. You can't handle the truth is what the fans are saying, you've certainly got my attention. What's that?" Hey Steamboat, stop talking with the fans already, we can't hear them. "If there's something that you want to say about THEM, and I've been listening to you talk here for the last couple of weeks, if there's something you want to say about THEM, well at least come down here and have the balls to say it to my face." Play his music - THE TRUTH is out for a second time. Wow, they're really burying Bill Behrens here - work or shoot? NOBODY CARES "Look, son--" Truth swipes the mic. "I ain't nobody's son - and when you talk to me, talk to me with some damn respect." "Truth, Ron, whatever you call yourself - if you want me to give you respect, you're gonna have to earn it. I've been listening to you carry on here for the last couple of weeks, and to tell YOU the truth, I don't know what card you've been dealin'. If you're talkin' about THEM in an authoritative speaking, well you're talking about ME when it comes to authority. Now if you're talking about THEM when it comes to the colour of skin - well then we've got another problem. Either way, I'm here to listen to you talk." "First of all, you consider yourself just like them. Look again - you're not. You mean just about as much to them as I do. You want me to give you proof? You want more proof to back that up? Let's talk about your own career, okay? As a matter of fact, let's talk about your WWF career, how about that. Now let's see, how can I start this off. The great Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat. I grew up a big fan of yours, Ricky. Huge fan. People as of right now, to this very day, is talkin' about Savage and Steamboat and WrestleMania III. And I doubt if it'll ever stop. But you know what? On that same very night that you reached your goals at a pinnacle time in your career, you became the intercontinental champion - am I right or am I wrong? Well then - why did it just stop? Why didn't you get an opportunity to become the WWF Champion? Go for the BIG gold - why did THEY stop you? Was it THEM holding you back? Like they hold me back? Rick - Dragon - look in my eyes and tell me I know what I'm talking about - the intercontinental belt was always for a second-class citizen. Oh yes! Oh yes, Dragon - fifteen years later, they pulling the same shiznit on me. But you know what? I am tired, I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it. You know where I'm comin' from, Dragon - you've been there. You can change all of this. You can do it. You make the decisions, and for all of us - make the right one." Truth offers the mic. Steamboat takes it. "As much as it hurts my feelings, I know where you're coming from. You're talking about THEM - I know where you're coming from. So this is what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna give you that opportunity of a lifetime - I'm gonna give you that shot - it's gonna BE for the NWA heavyweight championship of the world - Ken Shamrock and Ron 'The Truth' Killings, it's gonna happen here next week, you got it." Steamboat leaves the ring. "That's all I want! That's what I'm saying! That's what I wanted!" Play his music! "I'm the man!" Then he starts...RAPPING. But...but he's still a heel, right? Man, I'm so confused. Tenay acknowledges that Truth makes the international "I want da belt" hand motion, so I will, too.

Commentators are agog.

One fall, twenty minute ltime limit
THIS IS MALICE (from the Disciples of the New Church - led by Father James Mitchell) v. APOLO (Puerto Rico - 260 pounds)
referee: Charles
Wow, it's been so long since we've had some wrestling, wot? Don't expect much NOW, yuk yuk yuk. Shove by Malice. Apolo shoves back. Block by Apolo, right, right, right, right, right, right, knee by Malice, knee, right, chop, kick, right, right, right, Apolo switches positions, chop, chop, chop, Malice rakes the face, right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Apolo climbs to the top and hits a cannonball - cover, 2. Apolo clotheslines Malice outside. Apolo waiting....runs - tope con hilo!! "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Right hand. Everybody back in - Malice upends him but Apolo lands on his feet - pulls Malice out, right, right, chop, chop, whip is reversed and Malice puts his head to the ringpost. Another shot to the ringpost by Malice. And now...another head to the ringpost. Malice with a chop. Hard into the barricade at ringside. And now into the barricade on the opposite side is reversed and *Malice* hits. Malice taken back to the first barricade. Apolo is bleeding, whee. Apolo with a chop. Malice runs the ropes as they come back in, up and over, catching Apolo's leapfrog and powerbombing him down. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Malice opens up the cut. Right hand. Another right. Apolo sat up top - slaps the chest - climbing up after him...there's the SUPERPLEX! Malice hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Scoop...and a slam. Malice to the middle rope - guillotine finds the mark - leg is hooked - 2. Malice and Charles have a difference of opinion. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the buckle. Right. Right. Into the ropes, Apolo ducks, kick caught, single leg trip attempted but Apolo counters with a rollthrough - 1, 2, no! Malice back up with a clothesline. Into the ropes, Apolo ducks, crossbody caught but Apolo counters THAT into a DDT! Apolo up - superkick! 1, 2, 3! (6:33) *3/4 Malice tries to make a case to Charles but fails. Malice back up, knocking over Apolo - then piefacing Charles. Here it comes - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for the zebra! Back to Apolo - got the goozle - but now DON HARRIS is out - forearm to the back, forearm, right, into the ropes, big boot. "That's what I call Security!" Kick, going for the powerbomb but SLASH is out, got the hood on him and gives him the neckbreaker. Stompdown ensues as Slash gets grr. ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Looks like Mitchell has refilled his Ark... "Don Harris! You have chosen the wrong path. Time for more desecration." There's a psi for HIM. Malice adds one more right hand and each man gets in one more stomp. Let's play their music for the fiftieth time tonight! It's CATCHY!

NWA East - 2 August - McKeesport, PA
NWA Main Event - 3 August - Columbia, TN
NWA Wildside - 3 August - Cornelia, GA

Don West is in the ring to introduce MISS TNA, TAYLOR VAUGHN, who we haven't seen since she won the battle royal to TAKE this title. Before she can answer a question, BRUCE is out. "You know, Taylor - as I sat home last week watching TNA, I noticed The Truth come out here. As I listened to every word he said, not only did I agree with him, but I was inspired. You see, I too wanna be treated...equally. I too am tired of being treated like a second-class citizen. And I too wanna have rights. So at this time I'm gonna request, as The Truth stated last week on this program, you can either treat me like them and not give me an opportunity...or you can put that Miss TNA title on the line right here, right now, bitch." "Did you just call me a bitch? Well, let me just start by saying..." She runs a finger down his chest - umm, he don't swing that way. Maybe she thinks she can convert him? "...I'm gonna kick your HOMO ass!" And the word "homo" is punctuated with that old standby, the uppernut. Sensing an opportunity, referee Scott Armstrong slides into the ring and there's a bell...

TAYLOR VAUGHN v. BRUCE - Sash and tiara removed, shoes removed - and thrown at Bruce. Vaughn with a suplex! Not even one before the kickout. Scoop...and a slam! 1, no. Chop! Chop! Into the opposite corner is reversed... "I'm gonnna kick this bitch's ass!" But Vaughn runs at him and takes him down. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Bruce pulls her up into a short clothesline. He's STILL holding his balls! Got her by the hair - slap - abdominal stretch. Scoop...and a slam by Bruce. Bruce to the second rope - but she rolls away from the guillotine legdrop! DO SOMETHING! Vaughn up - whip is reversed - Bruce with a tilt-a-whirl into a faceplant - or boobplant, I dunno. 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Miss TNA. (Modesto is strictly for the 2:09) Bruce gets a little verklempt as Armstrong presents the "MISS TNA" sash and tiara. Tenay wonders if Lenny is proud - or jealous.

Backstage, Goldylocks (now in her THIRD outfit) tries to get a comment out of Low-Ki prior to his match with Jerry Lynn. "This is the second time. I'm sorry. I do my talking out there." Doesn't his voice seem about three octaves lower than you'd expect it to be?

NWA Battlezone - 3 August - Magee, MS
NWA Hammerlock - 4-10 August - Sittingbourne, Kent Summer Training Camp

One fall, twenty minute time limit
LO-KI (Brooklyn, New York) v. JERRY LYNN (Minneapolis, Minnesota - with A.J. Styles)
referee: Armstrong
Hmm, since we haven't seen him refereeing tonight, I wonder if they've already had to let go of Mark Johnson. Also, neither man carried a tag team belt with him this week - are they lost? Just like last week, chyron guy ("Lo-Ki") and the NWA TNA website ("Low-Ki") can't agree on the spelling, so I'll stick with the website. Is LYNN coming out to STYLES' music? Man, that makes even LESS sense. And again, nobody notices, arrgh. Styles on fourth headset. Here we go! Lockup...arm wringer to a hammerlock by Lynn - Styles drops down and throws a kick to escape. Lockup, waistlock by Lynn, Ki steps in and rolls up Lynn with a bodyscissors - to a wristlock. Head scissors by Lynn to counter THAT. Lynn squeezes. Ki with a kick, Lynn squeezes again, another kick breaks it up and they're to their feet. We go again! Lynn grabs the waistlock and takes him down - floating over, countered by Ki, countered by Lynn, back and forth we go, countered by Ki, countered by Lynn - everybody back up for the indy respect spot. We go again! Lockup - takeover by Ki. Lockup - arm wringer by Ki, yanking and cranking - Lynn rolls out and applies one of his own - takes down Ki with another turn. One more crank - Ki drops down, sticks up his legs...and kicks Lynn in the face to get him to let go. We go again! the corner - Lynn with a kick, kick, right, climbs to the second rope to kick *Ki* in the face - then moves back to let him out. Lockup, takeover by Ki, back up, Lynn echoes him. Ki with a leg sweep, then scissors the leg. Lynn tries to reverse to a juji gatame, but Ki clasps his hands before Lynn can extend the cross armbreaker. Ki gets back to his feet, pulls Lynn using his own hold - he's got an ankle but Lynn is up and an enzuigiri stops that. Stomp by Lynn. Head to the buckle. Kick. Into the opposite corner - back elbow up by Ki on the charge. Ki on the shoulders - flying head scissors off! Off ther ropes but Lynn catches him - full tilt-a-whirl, spin and there's a backbreaker - and Lynn gets 2! Stomp. Fistdrop. Elbow. Into the opposite corner - elbow to the gut by Ki as Lynn comes in - Ki with a kick that lifts Lynn's head! 1, 2, no. Double chop to the back again - head to the buckle - chop. Another doublechop to the traps - headbutt, right, right, right. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes - Muta-style elbowdrop. 1, 2, no. Ki applies a headscissors. Nope. Cover - 1, 2, no. Kick in the gut - kick is CAUGHT - Lynn with a kick, wraps him up in a small package - 1, 2, no! Ki right back with a clothesline. Double chop. In the corner, forearm, chop, forearm, kick, kick, suplex attempt - Lynn shoves him to the corner - Ki knee, knee, puts Lynn on the apron, shot in the back - then grabs a dragon sleeper and body scissors using the ropes - Tenay says Ki calls it "the Bite of the Dragon." Ki holds it for 4. Right, right, pulls him up - foolishly tries the shoulder through the ropes and Lynn, as always, leaps over if and drops the guillotine on his back. Stomp - off the ropes with a legdrop - 1, 2, Ki kicks out. Styles now in a Picture-In-Picture. Double underhook - spins him around into the reverse Gorry Special - twirls a bit, then throws him over his back into a faceplant - 1, 2, no! Lynn with a forearm. Going for the cradle piledriver...but Ki swings his free leg and makes an opening, grabs Lynn's arm and takes him down with an armbar!! Lynn's still on his feet, though, and rakes his face with the boot to break it up. Lynn stomps the ribs. Ki dragged back to the centre - gourdbuster! 1, 2, NO! Lynn mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right. Picks him up for another right hand. Ki sent into the ropes, but he comes right back with a flying jalapeno! Dropkick! Lynn runs into a hotshot - Ki bridges back - 1, 2, no! Ki starts to growl - kick - Lynn comes right back with a forearm shot. Ki kick, Lynn elbow - Ki kicks and Lynn goes down - but he pops back up with a clothesline! Lynn's next clothesline is ducked - Ki off the ropes with a flying kick to the head! Styles PIP back on. I notice they haven't taken any replays tonight. Lynn to his knees - Ki kick, kick, monkeys up and there's the BIG BIG KICK. Ki with a press - 1, 2, NO! Lynn sent into the corner - Ki with a tumbling run...but Lynn counters the 'rana attempt with a powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout! "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Lynn is up first...suplex coming up - Ki fights it and manages a small package - 1, 2, no! Ki comes up with Lynn's head in the dragon sleeper! Lynn makes it up, runs to the corner - tornado DDT! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Lynn signals again for the cradle piledriver - but Ki drops down and rolls into kicking Lynn in the face! And now it's *Low-Ki* making the sign - this time for the Ki Crusher '99 - Styles if off headset - Lynn punches out of the headlock - whip, reversal, Styles jumps off the apron with a kick that hits *Lynn's* head...and Armstrong calls for the bell. Ki Crusher '99 but it's too late - Armstrong has thrown out the match. Well, sheeeeeeeeit. (No contest 14:14) ***1/2 Commentators are convinced that was a premeditated attack by Styles, who now makes a lot of noise to Lynn...until Ki gives him a kick in the head. Styles takes off. Play Low-Ki's music!

Goldylocks catches up with Don Harris. "What do you want, Goldy? You want me to stand here, cut you some rasslin' promo, yellin' and screamin', tellin' you what I'm gonna do to Malice? No. Malice...he got one up on me this week - that's cool. But I tell you what, if it's blood he wants, it's blood he's gonna get. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna talk to Ricky Steamboat, I'm gonna have him book me a First Blood match, and make no mistake about it - payback's a bitch - don't start no shit, and there'll be no shit." Huh?

It's gotta be TOUGH dancing like that with a vapid look like that! NWA crawl is in repeats so I have nothing better to do than ponder their lack of love for life.

Time now for DISCO INFERNO'S JIVE TALKIN'. "Welcome to Jive Talkin'! After I made the announcement last week that Jive Talkin' was going to be the hottest talk show ever on cel phone has been ringin' off the hook. Now I can't name names right now, but let's just say that I have been in discussions with network executives to replace a very popular famous black female talk show host that happens to have her own book club AND recurring weight problem." Star Jones? "Now due to legalities, and the fact that I personally know Steadman, I can't reveal her name at this time. And let the record show that my nationwide search for the hottest, sexiest, dumbest bitch I can find has begun to be my first-ever Miss Jive Talkin'. And she will be revealed in the coming weeks. Now onto tonight. Now they call this show TNA and I'm not gonna lie to ya - I've seen a lot of A, but I haven't seen that much T. So for the first time ever on pay-per-view, let me introduce my very first guest - who will also be the first-ever person to expose her naked breasts on my show Jive Talkin'...and she is one hot sexy dumb bitch - lemme introduce to you GOLDYLOCKS!" Out she comes in her second outfit (complete with "No Dupps" logo) "Welcome--" "Excuse me! You just insulted me." "Nah, nah, I didn't insult you. I don't know what you're talking about." "No, you just - (to random fan) Hey, shut up - you just called me a dumb bitch." "I didn't call you a dumb bitch!" "Yeah, you just did. You called me a dumb bitch." "Wait, Goldylocks, um - I just meant that you're misunderstood, that's all I meant by that." "Look, pal - I'm on your show - I took my precious time (ZOOM OUT! TOO CLOSE!! ZOOM OUT!!!!) to come down here and do this for you, talkin' about...the music and the first thing out of your mouth is an insult, so you know what that means, that means I'm outta here. Thanks." "Oh no no, hold on, Goldy, no come sit on the couch, no no no, don't go, don't go! Please, sit on the couch, sit on my couch, this is Jive Talkin', my first-ever segment of Jive Talkin'." "You know what I'm not gonna sit on your couch, 'cause Goldylocks doesn't sit on the couch of jackasses." Where does she sit at HER place? "All right, you want me to apologise? I'll apologise. To the whole world and to everybody and to you, I'm sorry, now will you please--" "I don't need an apology, that's fine." "Okay. Now please, sit on the couch, sit on my lovely couch, here look at this thing! Have a seat." They sit. "Umm...Goldylocks, the girls I bring on my show have class - uh, could you please not sit like that and show some class on my show, please?" She crosses her legs. "Now we're here to talk about music and ah - first of all, you're from California, right?" "Yes, I'm from California." "What part of California?" "Los Angeles, and you knew that!" "Well maybe they didn't. Now Los Angeles is a hotbed for music, and you know the Disco Inferno knows a lot about music, you know I'm personal friends with the Bee Geez, I've had dinner with the Village People - KC from KC & the Sunshine Band is a good friend of mine, now - is there a musical artist that you sound like that these fans can identify with to let them know kinda what your music sounds like?" "You know I've had the honour of some people describing my music or saying I'm similar to kinda like a female Kid Rock, so..." "Who?" "Kid Rock?" "Does anybody here know a guy named Kid Rock? Well I guess a couple people know who Kid Rock is. Goldylocks, why don't you tell us some of your ah - tell us some of the songs you since, some of the titles and names of some of the songs on your album." "Well Disco...Duck or whatever you are, I have one called 'Pie Hole,' I'm sure you can identify with that! Hahaha - yeah, okay - I have another one called 'Bitch Don't Cry.'" "Oh! 'Bitch Don't Cry.' What is that, an autobiography?" "Hahaha! Anyway, I have another one called 'Lucy Leadfoot.' I have a ballad that I'm really really proud of that's called 'Waiting for Love,' and it was produced by--" "All right all right all right, enough of that, enough of your music, enough of your music. All right? Now Disco Inferno promised something and I deliver, now stand up, take off your shirt and show the world your naked breasts." "Excuse me, did you say to show my breasts?" "Yeah, what did I stutter? Make yourself useful, take your shirt off and show the world your naked breasts!" "You know you totally make me sick." "Well be that as may be, you still have to take your shirt off and show the world your breasts, I promised!" "Look, pal, I don't see you gettin' ready to drop trou and show the world YOUR hairy-ass balls." "Hey whoa whoa whoa, hang on don't be risque on my show, here - and you keep my balls out of this, young lady! Now take your shirt off and show the world your breasts." "Show the world my breasts, you know what I think I can speak for the women of the world, at least the women of Nashville, that we have something better to do than to show you our GOODS - c'mon girls!" Crowd boos, of course. GOOD THINKING, GANG. "You know what? Boo to you - and I am so outta here." "Hey, you know what, Goldylocks? I brought you on the show 'cause I thought you had talent. You know what? You don't have any talent. The only talent you have, you can't show on my show because you obviously did not bring your kneepads with you." And there's the predictable slap. Inferno goes for the goozle. "Don't you ever put your hands on me you dirty SLUT, don't you--" She knees him in the jimmy. "Well that would have hurt a lot - a lot more, like double if there would have been something down there for me to hit! You GAAH--" Well, TOUGH ENOUGH'S PAULINA is out and they recreate the first Chyna/Marlena encounter. She helps Inferno to his feet. "Please - please join me next week for Jive Talkin'." Wow, this segment was about seven minutes too long. Unfortunately, they fade out about three seconds AFTER Goldy starts the no-sell instead of BEFORE. Now don't get me wrong, because Disco is probably the one guy most likely to send me email under an assumed name, but...well, I strongly doubt I'll EVER transcribe one of these again because they're awful and they suck. Sorry.

Besides, can you *imagine* how it must be that it must have been cheaper for these guys to use Paulina as opposed to, say, Nicole Bass? I know! I can't believe it myself!

Don West rises from his seat to go into two minutes of "Shop At Home" style shilling for next week's show. SEE his head get as red at his shirt! BOGGLE as he lives through it! CHUCKLE when he mistakenly refers to Ricky "the Steamboat" Dragon! WONDER how many more weeks they'll give him in this gig!

Main event of the evening
SCOTT HALL (262 pounds) v. JEFF JARRETT (Nashville, Tennessee - 238 pounds)
referee: Armstrong
In what MAY be a televised first, Hall actually *loses the handle* on his toothpick before doing the flick - and has to pick it up off the canvas. How embarrassing! I guess he has a lot on his mind, what with bringing that stretcher to the ring and all. Hall decides to leave the ring and go after Jarrett before he can make an entrance - they ring the bell while they're on the ramp. Right by Hall, right, right, right. Right. Head to the STEEL steps (well, NEAR them). Right, right, onto the commentary table, right, right, stands him on the table, gutshot, pulls him to the floor, planting his face on the table on the way down. Waiting for Jarrett to get up - right hand. Jarrett rolled into the ring - Jarret with a right as HALL comes in - right, into the ropes is reversed, clothesline by Hall, into the ropes, Jarrett slides under - Hall with a right. Into the ropes, Jarrett ducks, ducks, crossbody caught - Hall with the fallaway slam. Jarrett rolls out - Hall after him. On the ramp, Hall lands a forearm. Forearm in the back. They're going backstage - got a camera back there. Jarrett falls down the steps. Hall with a right - and a...right! OH MY GOD I THINK I SAW VINCE RUSSO!!!!!!!!!!!! Jarrett shoves Jerry Lynn, who happened by. Hall right, Jarrett put into a door, Jarrett grabs pieces of the "Jive Talkin'" set and gets Hall in the back with them. Hall comes right back with a weapons shot of his own. Jarrett whipped into a door. Back past the go position - forearm by Hall - now back out onto the entrance ramp. Right hand! I guess Armstrong's not gonna count them out, har har. Right hand! Now out into the crowd - Jarret with a gutshot - head to the barricade, chair to the gut. If that isn't 1Bob Ryder, that's his long lost twin! Say, this might be a good time to cut to another Okay. I'm gonna guess Hall threw the right hand. I think a chair was swung. Definite right hand by Hall there! Now they're back over the barricade and at ringside. Hall manages to not trip vaulting the barricade - RIGHT HAND!!!! Man I'm getting EXCITED by these STINGING JABS from the hand of the Lone Wolf Scott Hall! Eh. Hall grabs his stretcher...but Jarrett uses the baseball slide dropkick to put the stretcher into Hall! Jarrett out - point of the stretcher into the abdomen. Jarrett lines up the stretcher using the apron and the barricade. Hall's head taken to the stretcher. Jarrett on the apron - axehandle to Hall, hanging on the stretcher. "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Stretcher to the back. I guess Armstrong just doesn't care. Stretcher to the back! Jarrett puts the stretcher in the ring, Hall in the ring, and himself in the ring. Jarrett places the stretcher across the second rope - then whips Hall into it. Does NOBODY remember these two went at it in Episode #2? Jarrett places the stretcher in a DIFFERENT corner and gives Hall the SAME whip. Jarrett stands the stretcher in yet another corner - uppercut by Jarrett. "Go Scott Go!" chant. Another uppercut by Jarrett. Here's the whip - but it's reversed and Jarrett hits the stretcher! Hall puts Jarrett into the stretcher again! HALL WITH THE RIGHT HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hall ducks a swing - Jarrett gets crotched on the stretcher. Stretcher across the back! And...again! I don't know about you, but I'm hoping against hope that he breaks out that deadly right hand of death. Jarrett on the shoulder - dropped Snake Eyes style, throat first across the stretcher! Point of the stretcher takes Jarrett down. "Thassit!" Edge coming up...and HITS! Armstrong is in perfect position to be pulled out of the ring for some reason - 1, 2, sure enough THE TRUTH is out and pulls Armstrong out of the ring. Truth with a right for Hall - and into the ring with an axe kick. Hall takes a while but eventually crumples to the mat. 1, 2, kickout!! MONTY BROWN is out! Truth whipped over the guardrail and Brown follows him into a brawl in the crowd. Now JERRY LYNN is out with a slingshot press - Hall drapes an arm on Hall - 1, 2, NO! A.J. STYLES is out to pop Lynn one. Lynn up to the top rope...but DON HARRIS is out, shaking the rope and crotching him! Now THAT'S what I call Security! Styles falls to the floor...just in time for MALICE & SLASH to come out and take it to Harris. "TNA! TNA! TNA!" Back in the ring, Hall into the ropes, ducks, head to head collision and both men are down. After such a monumental clusterfuck, they couldn't POSSIBLY have the double countout, could they? Armstrong up to, they're both up. Hall with "Iblockyourpounchyoudon'tblockmyDEADLYRIGHTHANDOFDEATH!" ANOTHER DEATH PUNCH! HALL IS FISTS OF FIRE! DISCUS MAKES IT *TWICE* AS DEADLY!! Hall picks up the stretcher - and Jarrett ducks, so Hall takes on Armstrong with it. Sheesh. Dropkick to the stretcher and Hall goes down. Jarrett outside - got a chair - back in - RICKY STEAMBOAT is out - well, that's perfect. Jarrett swings the chair - Steamboat drops and Jarrett misses - chair bounces off the top rope and clocks Jarrett! Hall is back up (his cheek is bleeding) and HE'S got the chair...Steamboat is in to prevent HALL from swinging the chair...and that's just enough distraction for Jarrett to give Hall the Stroke - or attempt to, at least, as Hall does a terrible job trying to sell his face planting on the chair (as in, his arm blocks any impact by a good two feet)...but it's still enough for Jarrett to cover for the 1, 2, 3. Man, I didn't think they could be worse than the first time, but leave it to them to find a way. (12:07) * Jarrett puts Hall on the stretcher and THE COMMENTATORS CANNOT STOP SCREAMING MY GOD OH NO NO WAY CREDITS ARE UP GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY

Gang, I had originally thought I could recap these shows until they went under, but a couple more shows like tonight and they're SURE to outlast me! One of our two good matches was completely wasted by another bizarro turn that makes no sense, we got Truth conning Steamboat into giving him a title shot, which makes no sense, continuity is tossed out the window in favour of a pell-mell willy-nilly style we've all been through before and most of all it usually makes no sense, on the misogyny scale we're rapidly moving off the charts as I don't think a single woman escaped being called either a bitch or a ho, I'm not sure there are any actual faces LEFT on this show...and finally, lest we forget, somebody - or several somebodies - figured it'd be BOFFO to include a GUN in all this.

I have no problem with the idea that it'd be nice to have for a viable alternative to the WWE, really I don't. But honestly, I can't quite figure how people - ANYBODY - can find this garbage defensible as something worth viewing, much less purchasing. Maybe you can explain it to me?

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