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NWA Total Nonstop Action





Well, shoot, it's August and they're STILL playing the ad they used in July (which references "last month" which is supposed to be June) - I guess they can't afford a new ad?

While I have you here, can I just say one more thing? iNDemand likes to list the upcoming program thusly: "NWA Total Nonstop... 8-7" I mean, it's nice to have the date on there, but couldn't they at least have spelled out the complete title? It just seems....well, kinda tacky. I know, I know, I'm just LOOKING for things to complain about

OH MAN! ROLLERBALL ALL MONTH ON PAY-PER-VIEW! How ever *will* I avoid buying it?

Opening Credits

It's NWA Total Nonstop Action #8, coming to you LIVE from the Shed in Nashville, TN 7.8.2! We look backstage at "Ricky Steamboat's office" where the Dupps, Goldylocks and Apolo are all outside awaiting him. Also, we hear the "5, 4..." of Borash's countdown, but at least they manage to cut HIS mic. Tonight, we'll hear from Apolo in a very special interview - also, we'll hear from Steamboat - count on it! But first...

Six-man tag team action
SPANISH ANNOUNCE TEAM (Jose, Joel & The Amazing Red - Brooklyn, New York - no weight announced) v. FLYING ELVIS' (sic - Estrada, Siaki & Yang - Memphis, Tennessee - no weight announced)

Estrada makes his point...then remembers there's no pyro to set off and stops, which is kinda funny. Elvises rush the ring and Katie bar the door. SATs take control - well, Estrada turns it around - Yang and one of the Maximos run the ropes until Yang dropkicks him out of the ring, the baseball slides out after him - Estrada on the other Maximo (that's Jose, okay), ducks, up and over, ugly 'rana - hiptoss into a drop and out *he* goes. We're left with Red (Tenay keeps calling him "Jose," ignoring that HE'S WEARING RED and fixating on the fact that he has elbow pads on) and Siaki - Red ducks, roundhouse kick following through into a no-help enzuigiri - off the ropes, cartwheels over but runs into a Siaki clothesline. Into the ropes, no, pulled into a press into a Samoan Drop (like we've seen the Island Boys doing). He rolls out - Joel put into the corner - Yang whips Estrada but he's put onto the apron - but manages to hold him for Yang's "I walk up you and backflip" kick - gutshot - sent into Siaki for a press and snap pancake. Yang stomps, Estrada in with a springboard split-legged moonsault - hooks the leg but lets go when Jose comes in - Jose sent into Siaki for a gutshot - triplebomb! Jose tossed, let's play with Red - Yang and Estrada doubleteam his kicks and Siaki calls them off - Red sent into the ropes, slides under, sent up but he dropkicks Siaki. Running at Siaki - who upends him over the ring, over the top and into his partners! I should mention that they just blew off Puppet totin' the gun by saying Steamboat barred him from the building this week - we'll see if they ever pick up on it again later (hopefully not). We get Elvis poses from Yang and Estrada but Siaki takes control, telling them to leave him to take care of business - TCB, if you will. Joel put back in by Siaki - kick - DOWN COMES THE JUMPSUIT oooooh the INSIDER move - Yang wants to tag in but Siaki brushes him off - right hand for Maximo - stomp - into the ropes, gutshot, off the ropes, flips into a neckbreaker. Again begs off the tag - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Yang and Estrada decide to join the commentary team. Maximo coming back with an Alabama Slam - catapults him into the ropes and a kick from Red that sends him back over Joel's knees...Jose in with an over the ropes guillotine. Chinlock by Jose and Joel is off the ropes with a dropkick to the face. Yang and Estrada on picture-in-picture and Yang uses the TCB line - good for him. Cover - 2. Stomp, stomp, kicks his gum out of the ring, snapmares himover, spins the boot on his face. Siaki tries to barrel him to the corner, but all that means is Red gets a tag. Open kick, right, into the ropes, I guess Red kicked the leg 'cause Siaki goes down - Red Star Press gets 2. Kicks the back three times, forearm in the back, tag to Joel. Gutshot, into the ropes, clothesline doubles him over. 1, 2, no. Estrada sings a song - wow, I guess he *also* thinks he's The Rock! I'd transcribe the lyrics but really, sometimes you just gotta pay the ten bucks, you know? Har har. Maximo - no, it's Siaki coming up and right back with the right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, double drop toehold by the Maximos - Joel trying to set up La Tapatia but - man, I've never seen somebody fall out of the attempt - finally gets it on - Jose adds a dragon sleeper ("SAT Stretch") - now Red is to the top with PERRO AGUAYO - Joel covers - 1, 2, of COURSE that move can't hold Siaki down. Head to the buckle, tag to Red - scoop and a slam by Maximo - Red off the ropes with a big elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. Yang proclaims Siaki "lonely tonight." Right, right, kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - gutshot by Siaki - pumphandle overhead suplex! Yang says "let's see if he'll tag me" and gets on the apron - and Siaki brushes him off. Estrada says Siaki's not have a "love me tender" match. That doesn't even make sense! Ferrara sneaks in "return to sender" and Estrada says Siaki is gettin' beat up "like a hound dog." Well, at least SOMEBODY'S having fun! Red sent into the corner, nobody home, Red walks up his back and kicks the back of his head. Maximos in - Jose sends him into a belly-to-belly from Joel - cover - 1, 2, no. Do they CARE who the legal man is? YANG says "hound dog" - oh oh, that's a rerun! Tag to Red - held open for the kick - uppercut - into the ropes, spins into an enzuigiri that doesn't land and the crowd lets them know - Siaki sent into the ropes, head down by Red - Siaki stops, drops, and uppercuts him. Estrada says "Graceland." Siaki covers - 1, 2, no. Red shot into the corner - Red upends him onto the apron - shoulder to the gut through the rope sby Siaki - he climbs up but takes too long - Red with another spin into the no-hands enzuigiri. Red rolls out as the Maximos come in and climb to the top - Tenay says the Spanish Fly is coming up - all three men on the top rope with a Maximo on each side - all three flip with a double moonsault/superplex! Now Red's up top - Infra-Red! That HAS to be it - cover - 1, 2, Yang and Estrada make a save! All six men in the ring now - Maximos on Yang while Estrada works over Red - Red into the corner, reversed, Estrada up and onto the shoulders - AWFUL 'rana but Red dutifully flips anyway. Yang sent into the ropes, ducks, split-legged double dropkick on the Maximos - Yang and Estrada with clotheslines to take the Maximos outside - Estrada on all fours, Yang off the ropes with a springboard to the plancha on both men outside! Red up from behind a posing Estrada - ducks a clothesline, low kick, up and over with the inverted body scissors - into the Code Red inside-out powerbomb - 1, 2, Yang saves! Stomp by Yang, kick, into the ropes, Red tries a sunset flip, Yang holds on, Red brings his legs up to maybe try it again - but Yang sits down, folding him up in a - what, reverse inverted Pedigree oh my head hurts like Red's must 1, 2, save! Right by Jose, into the ropes, gutshot, put on Joel's shoulders, they blow whatever they were planning so Jose kicks him instead. There's a piledriver - Estrada climbing to the top and the Maximos cut HIM off - Estrada tries to stave off the Spanish Fly attempt with elbows - manages to cinch in BOTH guys and they all fly off as Estrada hits a double top-rope DDT! Red with a sliding dropkick to the seated Estrada - but Yang is ready with a viscera that gives Red a triple spin! Stomp. Estrada and Yang going to opposite corners - guillotine by Estrada and splash by Yang! They hit the Elvis pose...while Siaki crawls in and covers for the 1, 2, 3. I wonder if they were legal - sure, why not. EVERYBODY is the legal man. Spot-tastic to be sure, but they risk the audience (me) getting less and less seduced by the spots. (11:43) *** Estrada and Yang are suitably shocked - for an encore, Siaki decides to leave without his partners.

Your commentators are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG and VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND. Chant "TNA!" Jeff Jarrett meets Apolo in a match between top contenders to the heavyweight title! Tonight's triple main event also features the X Division title match - AJ Styles defends against both Lo-Ki AND Jerry Lynn! And lest we forget, Ken Shamrock puts the world heavyweight title on the line against Ron "The Truth" Killings! We *also* get a really great "hmmm yes I see" face from Tenay while Ferrara talks.

EARLIER TODAY, Mike Tenay sat down with Apolo. Although undefeated, he was leapfrogged last week when Steamboat gave a title shot to Killings. "In my country, respect is everything!" He used to have respect for Steamboat, but after last week, he proclaims him "corrupt." He's worked too hard for too long to lose his spot. Tonight, Steamboat will look in his eyes and tell him why Apolo isn't the #1 Contender.

TNA GRRLZ dance. Here's the crawl:
NWA Wildside - 9 August - Cornelia, GA
NWA Main Event - 10 August - Columbia, TN
Wow, the sista sure looks bored...

Backstage, AJ Styles exits Steamboat's office, looking cocky. Steamboat exits - Apolo tells him he needs to talk to him right now. "Let me tell you something, Apolo - I'm a very busy guy. You and I will talk when I'm ready. Don't come off to me with this NOW crap." The Dupps follow Steamboat as he walks away. "Mr. Steamship, we been here since 9--" "I wore mah church clothes!" We try to follow them out the door, but Jerry Lynn flies in (prompting the least spontaneous "HOLY SHIT" I've ever heard - from Goldylocks) and punks out Styles. Styles manages to come back - they brawl into the bathroom...and out...finally, Bullet Bob Armstrong and TNA Security make an appearance, getting them separated.

Here comes RICKY "THE STEAMBOAT" DRAGON to ringside - before he gets there, the DUPPS catch up to him and stop him. Steamboat again says he's very busy, but tells them "Listen, whatever you guys wanna do - go ahead and do it, it's okay." The Dupps seem pleased, and walk away. JEREMY BORASH starts to intro the next match, but gets cut off when...

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: We see graphics for the match. Ken Shamrock - 6'1", 235 pounds, 13 years pro. The Truth - 6'0", 225 pounds, 5 years pro. Shamrock has the vast experience edge, but Truth has something to prove and he's hungry. Truth can definitely talk the talk...but Shamrock has walked the walk. LET'S GO!

One fall, sixty minute time limit
RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS (challenger - Charlotte, North Carolina - 242 pounds) v. KEN SHAMROCK (champion)

Note to Tenay - make sure the weights on your graphics match the announced weight. Of course, Shamrock doesn't even get a "hailing from" this week. Looking at The World's Most Dangerous Abs makes me wonder if Heather ever started her site back up when NWA TNA started. Okay, let's go: Lockup, side headlock takeover by Shamrock, head scissors by Truth, Shamrock is out and has a leg - Truth grabs the middle rope, Shamrock pulls him to the centre and works on an anklelock, Truth grabs the rope, this time we DO get the break. Truth right, right, right, into the ropes, Shamrock ducks, almost trips but manages to connect with the kick to the head. Shamrock snapmares him over - going for a armbar and headscissors - Truth wraps his feet around the bottom rope. Noticable "Truth" chant from the crowd. Stomp by Shamrock. Head to the buckle. Right, left, right. Into the opposite corner, Truth up and over, charismatic backflip, splits under the punch, from Shamrock, then hits a sidekick that puts Shamrock down. 1, kickout. Open-handed slap by Truth, snapmare, grabs a headlock, tries to heel it up for the crowd but they onlycheer him. Shamrock elbow, elbows out, off the ropes but Truth hits the flying jalapeno. Cover - 1, 2, no. Shamrock put into the ropes, head down, Shamrock goes for a sunset flip - no, make it a legbar - Truth grabs the rope. Truth right back with a clothesline. Snapmare - stomp. Legdrop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Shamrock kicks out. Open-handed right, again, mouths off to the crowd, climbs to the second rope and only gets Three on the Ten Punch Count Along before Shamrock powerbombs him out of the corner. Both men down and nobody's moving. Armstrong is up to 7 before both men are to their feet. Shamrock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, into the ropes, nice powerslam - 1, 2, Truth just kicks out! "Truth" chant again. Shamrock off the ropes, jumpin' back elbow finds the mark. Killings sent into the ring, Shamrock with a leg lariat. Shamrock is in the zone! Huracnrana - Killings tries to stop him in mid-move but ends up going over - Shamrock grabs the anklelock!! Truth quickly grabs the bottom rope. Shamrock makes sure to hold on until Armstrong says "4." Clothesline sends Truth outside. We look up to the stage where TEAM MASCARA (sans Tempest) is seen looking on. Can a crappy run-in be far behind? Shamrock out after him - head to the STEEL steps! Now DON HARRIS is out with a chair in hand - looks like he's going to stand guard. MONTY BROWN is out as well, doing his "wet Ahmed Johnson" impersonation. Shamrock with an elbow from the floor. There's a second one. Let's stare at all the people not in this match. Brown is interviewed later in the show! Truth blocks - Truth with the suplex on the floor! Shamrock rolled back in - Truth back in - Truth right hand. Shamrock with a kick. Right hand by Shamrock, knocks him down, mounts for seven right hands. Armstrong hears it from Shamrock. There's the jujigatame! Crowd chants "Shamrock sux." When Truth doesn't give up, Shamrock drops his leg across his face several times. Back to the cross armbreaker but STILL no submission. You'd think Shamrock would know he hasn't managed to get a submissio YET out of this crew. Shamrock brings him up - right, Killings right, right, off the ropes, Shamrock dumps him on the floor! Shamrock is out to take the fight to him again - right - Truth right, Shamrock, Truth, Shamrock, Truth, Shamrock, Shamrock, Shamrock...and now APOLO is out, running *right by* Harris and attacking Truth! And now Malice & Slash work over Shamrock - Harris and Brown quickly getting involved...sheesh. Apolo going to superkick Killings, who ducks, and Shamrock was probably SUPPOSED to take it but wasn't there so it misses by a mile. Shamrock still sells it like a champ. Steamboat rolls Shamrock back in and now starts to chase everybody backstage. Back in the ring, Truth gives Shamrock a Diamond Cutter - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new champion of the world. (9:18) ** Tenay says the Cutter is called "Truth or Consequences." Killings is the picture of stunned disbelief as he takes the belt. Geez, c'mon and SMILE - well at least he *does* hold it over his head with some pride. Is he a face yet?

Tenay tells us that oh, by the way, Killings happens to be the first black NWA World Heavyweight Champion. I guess that makes all the racist crap okay, right?

Steamboat has made has way back to the ring. "Apolo! You've been coming up to me, up to my face, demanding to talk to me and I told you that I will talk to you on my time. Well this is my time, this is my office, bring your butt out here, face me man to man and we'll start talking." You know, I was just THINKING that we need some more TALKING on this show... "I'm callin' for you, Apolo!" Finally, APOLO makes his way out. "Right out here in the middle of the ring. Let me say something to ya, Apolo. Now last week I might have made a mistake. And I hear you loud and clear that you want that title shot. But you've been running around here rampant like a maniac. And you can't do that anymore. Stand over here and look at me when I'm talkin' to you. Running around here rampant like a maniac, and I hear you, but this is what I'm going to do, Apolo. I'm going to give you that title shot. I'm going to give you that title shot, you've earned it - you deserve it." "Wait wait wait wait wait wait a damn minute!" Thirty-six minutes in, we finally are treated to JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET. "Now wait just a minute, Steamboat--" "Listen Jarrett, this is between me and Apolo, what's going on?" "No no, did I hear you right? You said he EARNED it?" "That's what I said." "For the past seven weeks, I have waited patiently for MY opportunity for an NWA world title shot. And week after week after week, for some reason, I've been passed by. Well, tonight, the answer has become as white as my skin. Ricky Steamboat, Dragon, what we have here is a case of reverse discrimination." Oh, hell. "Just because I'm not a minority, you think you have the right to pass me by, to look over me, for you not to give me the world titled shot I deserve." "Jarrett, I cannot believe what I'm hearing; you've got to be kidding." "Kidding me? Just because I'm not black - just because I'm not Puerto Rican - just because I'm not Hawaiian - just because I'm not a minority, I've gotta ask you one question, Steamboat: why does a man like Ron 'The Truth' Killings, and why does a man like Apolo, the *Puerto Rican* Sensation get a title shot and not me? Why? Why, Steamboat?" "I'm gonna answer that 'why' question with this: the bullshit's gonna stop here tonight! You heard me. That's right. You heard me, it's gonna stop tonight. And not - was brought to the NWA to do this, and I'm gonna do it right here tonight. Tonight, in this ring - Apolo, if you beat Jarrett - I will give you that championship match with The Truth. That's tonight. Jarrett, tonight...if you beat Apolo....I'll give you The Truth. That's gonna happen tonight." "Apolo, you better lace up your boots, 'cause I've earned my title shot." "Jarrett, wait, hold on. I'm makin' another decision tonight, and that is - IN this match, I'M going to be the special referee. I'm going to call this match straight up and down, and there won't be any false winners. There'll be one conclusive winner - you, or Apolo. I'm the referee." "All right, Steamboat - so what you're tellin' me is your refereein'. Well you've just told me you're steppin' in the squared circle, so that means you're fair game too. I'll see both you boys in the ring." Play his music!

Commentators are really looking forward to this match now!

NWA East - 11 August - Bridgeville, PA
NWA UK - 11-17 August - Sittingbourne, Kent Summer Camp 2002
VCW/NWA Virginia - 10 August - Gloucester, VA

We move now to DISCO INFERNO and JIVE TALKIN' - but instead of his normal sign, we see a blackboard with a piece of cardboard stapled to it with "Jive Talken" written on it. Disco wants to know what's up - well THE DUPPS are out, complete with...spittoon and stick horse. Cue the fart jokes! Bo says they're here to announce the "Dupp Cup Invitational" - the spittoon has passed down from generation to generation - Grandpa and Pop drank moonshine from it, and their young'un Round "took his first dookie" in there. Anyway, Steamship said they could do what they want, so the Dupp Cup Invitiation is now the NEW Hardcore Division! They flip the blackboard to reveal the Dupp Cup Rules, written in backward letters and spelled wrong....oh man, this is as excruiciating as it sounds. Ten points to win. Putting in opponent through a table is 2 1/2 tables - five if it's burning. Opponents' head in the toilet is 2 1/2 points. But if it's got sheeeeeeeit in it, that's 3 1/2 points. Goose a woman for 2 1/2 points. Goose a man for 3 1/2 points. Inferno gets a goose. If you nail Jeremy you get 2 1/2 points. (Borash makes the only face he knows how to make.) Nailing the ticket lady is 2 1/2 points. Using a farm animal "in any way" is 2 1/2 points. Spanking your opponent's bare ass with "Horsey-Poo" is 2 1/2 points. But if the opponent *likes* it, you *lose* 2 1/2 points. If you introduce an opponent to Jar - Jer - whatever - you get 2 1/2 points. We'll learn who Jai is later. "If you cry like a big ol' pussy in the ring, ya lose five points!" And rule number ten (Lord) is if you stick your opponent's head in the cotton candy machine and get a full rotation, that's ten points and the match is over. I think the part I like the most is the way Disco has to repeat EVERYTHING Stan says! Disco suggests a rule: if you grab an object from a fan and use it on an opponent, you get five points. Stan says nah, but maybe one point. Disco asks if they have an opponent, and Stan says after what he did to their "good friend Goldylocks" last week... "What, that dumb bitch? You kidding?" Stan removes his overalls and rips open his dress shirt to reveal a picture of Goldylocks. "It looks like you cut it out of one of the porno magazines she's been in and taped it to your chest!" "That ain't funny." Stan again suggests Disco be the opponent. Disco says he's a talk show host, not a pro wrestler. Well, he's half right. This brings out TOUGH ENOUGH'S PAULYNA. Stan says he figured he'd bring "Jack and the Beanstalk" out. Disco says he'll have to offer something to bring out some other opponent. Stan takes a handful of pennies out of his pocket and throws them on the ground. Disco says there's an offer of 64 cents. Disco says there's no takers and they'll have to up the ante. After consulting with Pepe - sorry, Horsey-Poo, Stan says they'll get one night with Fluff (but they get to watch). This brings Ed Ferrara away from the announce table and into the ring. "Let me get this straight - hold on! Hold on! If I get to ten points, I get a night with Fluff Dupp?" "Yeah, you can win, boy." "All right, I'll tell you what - I'll take ya up on that, and guess what - I'm two and a half points up already!" and he coldcocks Borash. Ferrara hands the mic over to West...

ED FERRARA v. THE DUPPS for the Dupp Cup - ...and gooses him to go up 6-0. As Rudy Charles hits thr eingBorash now climbs on Ferrara's back...and Ferrara manages to shake him loose, dumping him in the crowd. Ferrara in the ring, Dupps in the ring - Dupps from opposite sides - Ferrara ducks and they collide. Ferrara right to Bo, right to Stan, right to Bo, right to Stan, Bo with a right, Stan with a legdrop. Froggy style splash from Bo. Stan in with a chair offered by a fan - WHACK! 6-1. Bo has a chair - WHACK! 6-2 (I guess the Dupps are combining their total. Ferrara tossed through the ropes. Bo gets a drink from a fan while Stan removes his boot, tosses it to a fan, and gets it tossed back. 6-3. 6-4 for the drink. Stan with a crutch from the stunt granny for 6-5. Stan says he'll take him up to Jai while Bo goes to clock Sarah the Ticket Lady. "I'm gonna show him Joy." Stan produces - a blow-up doll and throws it on Ed. 7 1/2-6. Over to Bo, who threatens to knock out the senior citizen at the ticket counter - but she emerges with a broom and whacks HIM instead! Stan is so unhappy he beats up the set with his blow-up doll. Disco - who is now talking over Don so we hear neither - takes umbrage and Stan threatens him - so Paulyna gives him an uppernut, then swivels the blackboard into his head repeatedly. Meanwhile, Ferrara hits his spear on the floor - grabs a chair - 7 1/2-7 - 8-7 1/2 - another WHACK but they don't count it. Now in the ring where Ferrara gives Bo the uppernut. Crowd chants "Horsey Poo" so Ferrara grabs it and yanks down Stan's pants - he winds up....and hits him! Oops, he liked it, so Ferrar goes down 7 1/2-5 1/2. He does it again but nobody changes the score. Ferrara stomps away on Stan. Ferrara outside - he grabs the table. Crowd chants "Light it up." But Bo is up - slap - slap - chokeslam through the table and what a relief, it's 10-5 1/2 and the Dupps win. No opening bell, call it (6:50) N/A and we're now about half an hour without any wrestling....let's take it to - d'oh! - an interview!

EARLIER TODAY, Tenay sat down with Monty Brown and delved a little deeper into the mind of the Alpha Male. Three sport star in high school, several All-American honours in college, on the Bills' AFC Championship team his rookie year, played for the Patriots the year THEY were AFC Champions, and now he's gone full circle talking to Tenay. Huh? He went from being a professional wrestler in a football player's body to becoming a professional wrestler. Six hour drives to train. Just like in the NFL, there are politics in professional wrestling. As a free agent, he had to fight, scratch and claw to get his opportunities in football - you beat the politics with your performance, physically and mentally. Asked about Killings, Brown says that he doesn't like "Ronnie" all that much. "As far as his 'rap' goes, the Disgruntled One, Mr. Oppression, 'they're holdin' me down, man - they won't help me, man - I want my opportunity, man.' You don't want anything, you go out there like I said before and you make your opportunities." He knows where he's coming from in one aspect, but his mind isn't right... at this point, Elix Skipper breaks a can of yellow paint over his back! "Shut the hell up, Monty!" He don't know where the hell him and Ron came from. All he can do is kiss behind in the back, but he ain't used to how it goes down on the streets. This is his house! Skipper uses a brush to accentuate his spine in paint. Brown's chicken! He ain't havin' it - not in his house!

NWA crawl is in reruns so I'll just take this time to mention that history is made tonight as we witness the first black girl to dance in a cage on an NWA pay-per-view (I think)

MALICE (with Rev. James Mitchell - 6'8", 292 pounds) v. DON HARRIS (the NWA TNA Head of Security - 282 pounds) in a first blood match
referee: Armstrong
Perhaps you've noticed I'm now half-assing this report. Trust me, I havne't missed a wrestling move yet. For that matter, they haven't even been in the ring! James Mitchell joins the commentators and explains the symbolism of the black velvet hood - something about the ignorance of the umm I wasn't listening. They're over the rail and into the crowd. You hit me with the chair while I hold my hands up - okay, now I'll do it to you! Watch that cop just walk away...heh heh. Wow, there sure are a lot of FAT people in Tennessee. TNA! TNA! TNA! They're in the bleachers for some punching. Camera loses them but gets a great view of that guy's sign. Finally with a camera in the crowd. Mitchell promises the blood of the aoudad will be used again this week. Man, if somebody would just BLEED we could move on! Up on the stage - off into the guard rail. Now, because what we needed most was a crappy run-in, SLASH is out and he's got an icepick - fortunately (or not) Harris blocks, grabs and HE plugs Slash. While Slash blades, let's look at Mitchell. Sure enough, Slash is bleeding. Harris, of course, completely ignores his opponent to punch away on Slash. Malice back up - going to the commentators to grab a STEEL chair - but Harris manages to make his trick knee act up to escape Slash's grasp, shot for Mitchell, but Malice takes him down, spilling the blood of the aoudad all over him in the process. OH MY GOD - THEY'RE IN THE RING!!! Harris with a sidewalk slam for what may have been the only wrestling manoeuvre in the match. As penance, *Harris* comes up bleeding (the hell?) and Malice makes sure Armstrong sees it. Well hell, that made NO sense. But then.... (6:30) -* Mitchell hits the ring as Malice gives Harris ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. "CursÚd are the weak, for they shall inherit nothing!" Harris will debut an eye patch next week - oh, I hope I didn't give anybody an idea there.

Backstage, Goldylocks says they're going to try to get a word from Taylor Vaughn. Sonny Siaki interrupts, asking if she's seen Ricky Steamboat. She says no, and Sonny forces her to repeat it until she adds "Sonny Siaki" at the end. "Sonny Siaki has left the interview." Now Bruce walks by her, into the dressing room and asks Taylor Vaughn for her comments - she calls him "homo" again and shoves him into the shower, making sure to turn it on. WOW! That's *Shannon* holding her back!! Seadawg was RIGHT! Bruce then challenges her to an evening gown match. As *he* leaves, AJ Styles and Lo-Ki brawl into the dressing Security!

RICKY "THE STEAMBOAT" DRAGON hits the ring to ref the next match...

APOLO (Puerto Rico - 260 pounds) v. JEFF JARRETT (Music City, USA - 239 pounds)
Who's the face in this match, by the way? Are there any faces left in TNA, by the way? Is *Steamboat* even a face? Man, how depressing. Well let's see what these guys can do. Steamboat checks both wrestlers before the bell, that's good to see. Feeling out process. Lockup, to and fro, into the ropes and into the corner - to another corner - Steamboat finally decides to break it up. We go again. Lockup, to the corner, Jarrett rares back but Steamboat hooks his arm and doesn't let him punch. Crowd BOOS! Oh, man. This ain't working, is it? I *will* have to say I don't miss Ferrara at all. Lockup, knee by Apolo, forearm, right, Steamboat hooks his arm before he can throw another punch - well he's TRYING to call it down the middle - Jarrett in while he argues with a forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, forearm, into the ropes, Apolo ducks, knife-edge chop by Apolo, chop, right (d'oh) - into the opposite corner is reversed, Apolo up and over, atomic drop, clothesline and Jarrett rolls outside. Apolo up and over onto the apron - back kick from the apron as Jarrett walks in - climbing up top - Steamboat ALMOST gets to five while he's perched, so Apolo climbs back down - and again, while Apolo turns his head to argue, Jarrett ankles him and pulls him out - right (d'oh), right (d'oh), right (d'oh), rolled back in, into the ropes is reversed and Apolo hits a rydeenbomb for 1, 2, no. Right (d'oh) - whip is reversed, Apolo up and over with the Booker T crisscross rollup for 2. Elbow by Apolo, Jarrett dumps him on the apron, but Apolo turns round and gives him a hot shot. Outside, right hand by Apolo (d'oh), chop, winds up for another big chop, whip is reversed and Apolo crashes into the STEEL steps. Bizarrely improbable "Double J" chant. Jarrett takes his head to the STEEL steps. Jarrett rolls in to break the count - I'm sure Steamboat was at like twelve or something. Jarrett drops his head on the steps one more time. Jarrett in and out - Apolo (bladed) rammed into the commentary table. Jarrett has a chair but Steamboat won't let him use it. Rolled back in, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Jarrett feeds the crowd. Uppercut (Jarrett says it was open). Another right and Steamboat protests a little more vigorously. Jarrett with a THIRD right hand - NO SALE! Positions switched, knife-edge chop by Apolo, chop, into the opposite corner - ohh, nobody home. Jarrett with an enzuigiri after his kick is caught - 1, 2, no! Into the corner, Apolo stairsteps up to the top - but Jarrett crotches him on top! Apolo falls into the Tree of Woe and Jarrett's on him - stomp, stomp, right, Steamboat pulls him off and protests. Steamboat frees Apolo. Jarrett pulls him up - into the ropes, reversed, Jarrett ducks, Apolo tries the leapfrog but Jarrett clips him. Jarrett circles the air - figure four!! Apolo doesn't want to give up...did he pass out? Arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm falls.......not quite! Steamboat counts the shoulders - 1 - no, he's trying to Apolo up! Apolo starts the slow roll...and reverses the hold! Jarrett grabs the rope in a flash - Steamboat breaks the hold. Jarrett off the ropes - Boss Man straddle MISSES and Jarret hurts himself! Apolo with "Iblockyourd'ohyoudon'tblockmine," again, right (d'oh), whip, reversed, head down, Apolo with the spinning DDT! Both men are down and Steamboat starts up the up to 5... 6... 7... Apolo rolling to his knee - both men up - Apolo ducks, right (d'oh), right (d'oh), into the opposite corner, follow lariat, back to the first corner, another clothesline, climbing to the second rope for the Ten D'Oh Count Along and hitting all ten. Jarrett into the ropes, reversed, Apolo ducks under, grabs the waistlock, Jarrett reverses to an arm wringer, Apolo ducks, gutshot, Jarrett shoves him off, Apolo ducks, Apolo *superkick!* 1, 2, foot on the rope! Right by Apolo, Jarrett reverses the whip, Apolo duck, German suplex and bridge! 1, 2...Jarrett's shoulder up...3? Oh oh, I think it's the - yep. Apolo's shoulders were down the whole time and Steamboat raises Jarrett's hand. Jarrett is your winner and that ending always makes EVERYONE happy. (10:13) *** Apolo goes after Steamboat after the match - but he's got a mic. "One second, guys. Apolo, I have no problem with you. Jarrett got his shoulder up, I will see and talk with you in the back. Now--" Apolo grabs Steamboat. "Get your hands off me - get your hands off me. Apolo, I don't have a problem with you - I gave you that title shot tonight - he got his shoulder up! Take him outta here, guys." The Security guys have nightsticks - sheesh. At least he didn't give 'em GUNS "Jarrett, you won that match. You won that match. You got your shoulder up...and I'm, I wanted to stand here and tell you that I'm a man of my word. I said earlier that I was going to give you....I told you that I would give you The Truth. My exact words. 'I will give you The Truth.' But I didn't say that I would give you The Truth in an NWA World Heavyweight championship match, now did I? I said I would give you The Truth!" "Steamboat sux" chant - ohhh dear. "I'm going to give you The Truth - The Truth - The Truth is going to be your tag team partner...against J.T. & Jerry for the world heavyweight *tag team* championship." I guess "J.T." is "A.J." "That's gonna happen - Jarrett! That's gonna happen next week - that's gonna happen next week. All right, bring that chair - bring that chair - that's it." TNA SECURITY returns with their billy clubs (but no walkie-talkies - I saw "South Park" tonight, ha ha).

Commentators react while crowd chants "Bull shit!"

THIS IS TAYLOR VAUGHN (challenger) v. THIS IS BRUCE (Miss TNA) in an evening gown match for the Miss TNA crown
referee: Charles
sign in crowd: "I LIKE WRESTLING" second sign in crowd: "SO WHERE IS IT?" Bruce comes out in gown, blonde wig, glitter, eye shadow...Bruce misses in the corner - Vaughn with an atomic drop. Vaughn ducks, Bruce grabs a waistlock, standing switch (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the term), another atomic drop. Vaughn plays to the crowd and Bruce sneaks in the deadly back rake. Slap! Vaughn slaps back. Bruce with a gutshot - into the ropes, knee in the gut. Two handfuls of hair - half hour (get half an eyeful) suplex. Bruce waves to the crowd, head to the buckle, again, again, into the opposite corner, Vaughn stops to adjust her strap before running into a tilt-a-whirl faceplant. Bruce very gingerly removes Vaughn's gown so as to not damage the fabric - yep, there's her ass. There it is again. There's the bell. Champ retains! (2:07) You know, Bruce shows more emotion getting the sash and tiara than Killings showed getting the title belt. What'll he do for an encore? "I know you people are probably disappointed that I didn't lose the match - but if you'll hit my music, I'll make sure everyone's happy." Bruce removes his gown to reveal an ass not as nice as Kurt Angle's, a pink thong and white stocking and garter set.

Tenay throws it to West for ninety seconds of hype. Of course, at the moment West only has one match to work with (tag team title match) so it isn't as hype as it was last week. He DOES bust out some merchandise (AJ Styles T-shirt - only $19.99!, Premiere Edition T-shirt, and the hats - $19.99!) - I think the best part of this was watching Tenay pretend to be interested while getting direction over his headset.

NWA X CHAMPIONSHIP: LO-KI (challenger - intro muted) v. JERRY LYNN (challenger - Minneapolis, Minnesota - 222 pounds) v. A.J. STYLES (champion) in a triple threat match
referee: Armstrong
Again, Lynn comes out to Styles' music - I guess it belongs to him now. Tenay is too busy trying to convince me Styles is a no dues payin' heel with no respect for Lynn (that's this week's story, at least) to notice the music situation...that's two weeks in a row. Perhaps at Tenay's age, all the racket sounds the same, hee hee. Who will tie up first? Styles watches Lynn and Ki lock up - stalemate - they look at Styles and simultaneously Lynn's right and Ki's left land. Into the ropes, double press - and drop. Double punch - now Ki and Lynn trade right hands. Ki with another right, chop, off the roeps...into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker - cover - 1. Lynn stomps on Ki, Euro forearm, chop, chop, into the ropes, but Ki switches up and dropkicks the knees. Kick, kick, MONKEY UP...kick is CAUGHT and Styles catches Ki off guard with an enzuigiri! Lynn clotheslines Styles! Lynn stomps on Styles, snapmare, mount, five rights, stomp, into the ropes is reversed, powerslam by Styles - no cover - five rights instead. Grabs the waistlock - Lynn blocks, holds his own waistlock - Ki in and Lynn backdrops him over them both - forearm in Styles' back - spun around, gutshot, reverse Gorry special coming up - full rotations - stops and takes a dropkick from Ki! Lynn's head meets the buckle, right, Ki grabs Styles and winds up on the double chop. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with the Muta elbow - 1, 2 is all. Elbow to the back of Styles' head. Another double chop. Styles into the ropes, reversed, nobody home on the dropkick, but Ki walks into the nip up headscissors. Ki with a fireman's carry, over the shoulder into the gutbuster. Chop by Styles - into the ropes, spin heel kick lands - Lynn is up and forearms Styles in the back. Waistlock grabbed, Styles grabs Armstrong and spins him around so he won't see his trick knee acting up. Styles off the ropes, snaps a spinning neckbreaker and gloats to the crowd. Stomp. Shot for Ki. Knee to Lynn's head. Right hand for Ki. Right for Lynn, right, right, kick to Ki's head, chop, going for the 'rana on Lynn but he reverses to a BIG powerbomb - 1, 2, Ki with a dropkick to break it up! Ki with an elbow, Lynn fires back. Ki, Lynn, Ki, Lynn, Ki, Ki, Ki winds up the kick and puts Lynn down. "Low-Ki" chant. Ki runs - Lynn puts him in the apron - Ki blocks the punch, overhead kick - Ki with the shoulder through the ropes DON'T DO THAT Lynn guillotines him. Styles runs at Lynn but he ducks - grabs the waistlock - to the ropes where Ki hits the shoulder to Styles - Ki in over the top and rolls up Lynn as he hangs onto the waistlock on Styles - 1, 2, everybody kicks out! Ki up first - double chop for Lynn, overhand right, right, Lynn to the gut, stomp by Ki, double chop, stomp for Styles' head, grabs Lynn, chop, Lynn chops back, Ki chop, Lynn, Ki chops him down. But Styles runs Ki into the ropes. Forearm in the back. Waistlock - fought off - Styles tries for a death suplex instead - Ki drops down and rolls him into the dragon sleeper! Lynn needs to break it - Ki catches the kick and shoves him away- then puts the dragon sleeperon Lynn! Lynn manages to sneak out and DDT Ki - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Styles with a right to break it up. Styles chops Lynn. Stomp on the chest. Picks him up in the corner, chop, whip into the oppostie corner, leaps, backflip off the chest, Lynn ducks, gutshot, sits Styles up top - right - pulls him off with the DDT. 1, 2, Ki breaks it up. Ki stomps Lynn's chest. Snap suplex and Ki floats over for 2. Ki kicks Styles. Chop! Styles chops back. Ki chops, Styles, Styles forearm, forearm, forearm, Ki kicks! Ki Monkeys up...right hand in the corner, right, right, right, right, chop, double underhook into the butterfly suplex - 1, 2, Lynn drops the elbow to break it up! Styles slaps Lynn, right, right for Ki, kick for Lynn, left kick, Lynn catches the kick and backflips Styles OVER Ki - grabs Ki and gives him a Slop Drop! 1, 2, Lynn drops the leg on Styles and hooks Ki's leg - 1, 2, Ki kicks out! Lynn seats Ki on top - right hand - climbing up after him - Ki punches away and shoves him to the center - Styles with a right for Ki, slap, *Styles* climbing up - Ki double chop, Styles six quick blows - superplex attempt coming up - Lynn runs to the corner and cartwheels into a powerbomb on Styles while he finishes the superplex on Ki! 1, 2, Styles kicks out! Lynn tries to cover Ki - 1, 2, no! Lynn is still up first - La Magistral on Styles gets 2 but Ki grabs Styles away from Lynn with a rollup - 1, 2, Styles reverses - 1, 2, kickout! Lynn with a backslide on Ki but Styles rolls up Lynn before Armstrong can count - 1, 2, kickout! Ki winds up and gives Lynn the KICK. Rollup off the ropes - 1, 2, Lynn kicks out and Ki is caught by Styles - going for the Styles Clash but Lynn pastes Styles with a right. Right hand, Ki right, Lynn right, Ki, Lynn, Styles off the ropes but the moonsault is caught by both men - they sit him on the corner, Ki punches Lynn, climbs to the top rope and drops down with the hanging dragon! Lynn dropkicks the pile to break THAT. Everybody down (you mean they're SELLING?) Well, let's not make any drastic assessments here. Lynn kicks Ki, whip into the corner is reversed, boot up by Lynn - going for the tornado DDT but Ki sets him on the apron, ducks the swing, forearm in the back, grabs the Bite of the Dragon in the ropes but doesn't hold it long as Styles hits a springboard moonsault to remove Ki. Cover - 1, 2, Lynn with a slingshot press - Styles out and Lynn lands on Ki - 1, 2, Styles pulls him off. Styles with the suplex - no, blocked, Styles blocks *Lynn's* suplex, Lynn up and over landing on his feet, Styles with a hangman's neckbreaker! Styles drapes an arm over him - 1, 2, shoulder up! Ki over with a gutshot on Styles - picks him up - trying for the Ki Crusher '99 but Styles fights it - Styles in the headscissors position - Ki steps into his OWN Styles Clash - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Styles kicks out! Ki up - Lynn over with a gutshot - Lynn with the Ki Crusher '99! 1, 2, no! Well, all that's left is a cradle piledriver by Styles - no, it's Lynn with a gutshot and HE tries for it - Styles out and gives him an atomic drop - ah, hell, Styles DOES give Lynn a cradle piledriver - 1, 2, Lynn kicks out! Everybody down. Ki's up first - running at Lynn with a tumbling run clothesline but Lynn is away and Armstrong eats it - ah, shit. Lynn kicks Styles, Styles punches back, they trade punches - Ki runs at them both and gets dumped onto the floor! Into the ropes, Styles ducks, Styles and Lynn collide and everybody's out of it. Styles out on the floor - spies a chair and grabs it...WHACK! Lynn is done and does the cocky dance so the crowd knows for sure that he's a heel. Styles going up Ki sneaks in and covers! 1, 2, Styles off the top with the Spiral Tap (Tenay: "Styles Clash!"), Armstrong counts 3? Oh, that's just STUPID. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new X Champion - and an ex-X champion, I suppose. (16:16) **** Well, at least my brother will be happy. But instead of a final shot of a triumphant Low-Ki...

We look backstage where Jeff Jarrett is shouting to Truth about a title shot - Truth says "let's do it right now!" but that pesky security and their pesky nightsticks separate them - say, didn't these guys used to be pals?

Meanwhile, back inside the ring, Styles and Lynn are busy resuming beating on each other - now JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out - now SECURITY is out - now THE TRUTH is out - now the credits are out - now Mike Tenay's voice is out - now I'm out.

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