KINGS UPDATE: Wooo woo woo - Kings fail to choke! Well, they fail to choke twice in a row, anyway - they DID blow their home court advantage once again with a disastrous opening quarter Saturday. As a result, it's a 1-1 series and we move to the Staples Center for games Friday and Sunday. Will Peja return? Will Webber find some damn clutch already? These questions and many more may be answered....FAN TASTIC

Also noteworthy is the fact that during this game the WWE bought a shitload of ad time - I lost count but I'm pretty sure that woman torched AT LEAST another dozen fine specimens of shrubbery tonight

BLATANT PLUG: Those of you who STILL aren't aware that I run my own li'l wrestling site called slashwrestling.com are probably ALSO unaware that I run a message board - why not visit it sometime?

I GET LETTERS: I find that the *best* way to get letters is to print OTHER letters that aren't quite correct.

Stephen Craig: Let "Gav" know that it's hardly surprising that he's never heard the phrase "Shite-Orc" as it's actually "shite hawk". Unless he knew that and I'm missing some heavily implied irony here or something. Which I doubt. But still.

Please bear in mind that if I'm wrong, I didn't actually watch Raw anyway.

Jon Finn: I didn't see the programme in question, but the phrase he used would have been "shitehawk" rather than "shite-orc".

I'm British, and I have heard it several times before...

PS Who are "The Mavericks"?

Paul O'Brien: The word is "Shitehawk." Honest. Doesn't make a great deal more sense, I admit, but that's what he's saying.

It's a bit regional, which might be why the other guy hadn't heard of it. But do a search for it in Google and you'll get a ton of obscure British web pages - most of which seem to be negative record reviews.

See, even BRITISH folk occasionally can't figure out what Regal's saying behind that accent!

Also, a lot of OTHER British folk don't watch RAW. (At least not on Tuesday...which makes sense, as it would be on in the middle of the night IF it actually aired live over there - which I'm pretty sure it doesn't. Hmm, let me go check. Hey, wait - wweinternational.com isn't a WWE owned domain! Why is it in their website menu, then? (They're dummies?) Ohhhh. Well, shoot. All the international websites are gone. Shame - they were mighty entertaining. Wait a minute...this is a pretty damn long parenthetical now.) Anyway, I think it's still on Sky Sports on FRIDAYS. Okay.

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.95 (UNCH - last year: 12.70, two years ago: 17 1/8)

TONIGHT: God Bless Jim Ross, he still calls it "WWF RAW" on the way to announcing a Trish/Jacqueline title match - also words from the NEW Undisputed Champion - that's right, there's a new one and you'll hear from him in just a few

T(O)N(I)G(HT): Two Rikers? Let's just call the whole thing off!

Every time I hear one of these lame TNN answering machine message promos, I'm tempted to call up and cut one of my own. Fortunately, it passes - you don't REALLY need to hear my Vince imitation...yet

TV-14-DLV - CC - Voice of Vince McMahon: "Yesterday morning, the tumultuous life of Davey Boy Smith, the British Bulldog, came to an end. He was just 39 years old. Davey Boy Smith grew up in Manchester, England. His professional wrestling career began at the tender age of fifteen. Befriended by the legendary Hart family, Davey made his way to North America. A personal protege of wrestling legend Stu Hart, Davey officially became a member of the Hart family when he married Stu's daughter, Diana. Inside the ring, the British Bulldog achieved international stardom - outside the ropes, Davey Boy Smith struggled with personal issues that cut his career short. His two children survive him - Harry, 16 and Georgia, 14. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Harry, Georgia, and the Smith and Hart families." DAVID SMITH "THE BRITISH BULLDOG" 1962-2002

Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

Opening Credits

COLONOSCOPYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the Pyramid in Memphis, TN (Slogan: "Del Tavian Lives Here") 20.5.2 on THE NEW TNN (and the crappy old TSN), this is the WWE - and in the WWE, it's.......RAW!

Before POINTS TO SELF can make his way to the ring, AWESOMETAKER runs out from behind and punks him out - a soupbone here, a soupbone there, and into the ringpost. Earl Hebner is quickly flanked by two additional REFS but no luck for van Dam. "This is MY time!" There's A COUPLE *MORE* REFS but Taker has already left van Dam - no, he's back out - the sea parts for Taker - soupbone, soupbone, into the steps - van Dam's actually bladed for effect - now Taker grabs a set of steps and rams them into van Dam's hands - sorry, face. Taker back in the ring as the zebras swarm on van Dam, who is out cold...and call for the trainer. "Now - do I have your attention? I said, do I have your attention? GOOD. Now I don't know what's wrong with this boy right here...but I don't know who he thinks he is. But let me tell you who I am. I'm the NEW WWE Undisputed Champion!" Taker brandishes his belt, which is no longer around his waist. "And as that champion, I have the right to come down that ramp first and start Monday Night RAW. And now that I am Champion, there are gonna be some changes around here. When I feel like I have somethin' to say...I'm gonna come down here and say it. And if there happens to be somebody standin' in this ring, they got two choices. One, they can move aside - or two, they can stay and get their ass kicked. It don't matter to me. Now RVD, he just got reacquainted with the #1 rule of this company, and that is you WILL respect The Undertaker. Now you need to shut up and listen to this. If anybody's got a different opinion, they might need to go down to the bus station and ask Hollywood Hulk Hogan what it's like to disrespect The Undertaker. Because I did exactly what I said I was gonna do..." van Dam back on the apron - so Taker boots him back to the floor. "Now this is the story. I said I was gonna beat Hulk Hogan and take his title; I did it. I beat the man up, I took his pride, but most of all...what I did last night was kill Hulkamania. It's over! Now check this out - Hulkamania - rest - in - peace." "Hogan" chant. "You can yell all you want, he's not gonna come. In fact, I got it - I got it by good authority that Thursday night on SmackDown!, Hollywood Hulk Hogan will announce his retirement. And Hogan, I will expect a thank you for allowing you to walk outta the ring last night to make that announcement - because he was about THAT close from never walkin' again. Now...I'm gettin' tired o' saying it, and I'm sure you're gettin' tired of hearin' it, but I don't really give a damn what you're tired of...you will respect The Undertaker. And I don't care if you're a legend like Hollywood Hulk Hogan, or some punk like RVD - you cross my path, if you cross my path and do not change directions, you will pay the consequences. Look at this!" van Dam again tries to get in the ring. "Boy...you know, there's just some people that are thick between the ears! I just want you to know, RVD, that you asked for this." Hey Ross called him "The Awesome Undertaker!" van Dam ducks, elbow, elbow, elbow, right kick, left kick, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam ducks again, Viscera kick! van Dam mounts Taker and starts elbowing away...so naturally the refs swarm and pull him off. They manage to get him up the ramp. Crowd chants "RVD" - van Dam decides to shove through the crowd and back in the ring - this time Taker is ready - head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, elbow up by van Dam, springboard leaping kick, then the Fivestar frog splash! van Dam mounts and actually breaks into punches (!) but the refs again pull him away. This time Taker decides he'd better book it. Play van Dam's music! He needs to point to himself IN ANGER!! I think the WORST part was that we NEVER found out who van Dam was supposed to face in the curtain jerker.

Kurt Angle (with hair) urges you to buy some angina - no, wait

RAW comes to Oaktown 17 June! Tix on sale SATURDAY for the Oakland Arena! You know the good thing about a downturn in business is maybe I'll FINALLY be able to score some decent seats from tickets.com

Catch the SmackDown! crew live tomorrow in Tupelo! Saturday is Saskatoon! Sunday, get tough on Regina! A week from tonight, Lethbridge! And a week from tomorrow, Calgary!

Flair promises to handle Austin tonight to Arn Anderson - Taker interrupts, asking for a match with van Dam TONIGHT. "You know, you and I - we've settled our differences - and I agree with you - I'll gonna do you one better. I'll gonna make it a match for the Undisputed WWE title - tonight! Against Rob van Dam! That's what you wanted, isn't it?" Taker hems and haws for about three hours and eventually takes his belt and leaves. "It's all about the Undertaker - he's yours." "For the title." "For the title! Tonight." "Damn! Awright - damn!" "And then, I'm gonna walk in that ring tonight, and I'm gonna tell Austin that I know how to handle him! I'm gonna throw him a curveball tonight - he won't see comin' for a million years!" He and Arn share a high five.

HARDY BOYZ (Cameron, North Carolina - 441 pounds) v. X-PAC & BIG SHOW (725 pounds - with Booker T)
It's X-Pac, it's Jeff, it's our opening bout. Robert Lamb and Joyride have asked me to remind you that Jeff's white hanky in his back right pants pocket *may* mean he'll do us both," if you're into that sort of thing...assuming Jeff is into that sort of thing, wink wink. This has been a [slash] public service announcement - bringing the gay since 1998 Lockup, 'Pac with an armdrag - and a celebration. Lawler: "I would LOVE to watch these two guys go at it one on one." HEY! Let's go again - side headlock by Hardy - powering out by 'Pac, shoulderblock by Hardy. Off the ropes, up and over, 'Pac wants a tilt-a-whirl, but Hardy counters into a headscissors takeover. Punch to the back of the head by Hardy - tag to Matt - into the ropes - double elbowdrop, fistdrop/senton combo - Matt covers...for 2. Matt goes to work - arm wringer - 'Pac fires back with rights - into the ropes, Hardy ducks, Hardy with the sitout clothesline, demanding 'Pac get up - right hand, off the ropes but T ankles him, distracting him long enough to get blindsided by a Show clothesline from the apron. Knee across the throat by 'Pac and tags to Show - Show Diesels over the top rope as Hardy punches form his knees - right, left, right, Show with a forearm in the back to kill that noise. Did Ross say "a GAY Matt Hardy?" ("No, he said a GAME Matt Hardy.") Well, you hear what you wanna hear. Well it's the big powerslam coming off the ropes. Into the corner, into the opposite corner, well it's a big slap, well it's the big slap, Jeff gets a free shot for coming too close. Well it's the big beal and Matt sails. Well it's the big announcement from Hogan on SmackDown! - how'd he end up on that show, anyway? Tag to 'Pac - kick trifecta - stands on the neck, goes into the gallop and there's the broncobuster - but instead of continuing to thrust his hips, he punches Matt instead - maybe he thinks he'd like it a little too much, if you catch my drift. Well, a little too much tongue waggling from X-Pac - Matt is up under him as 'Pac stands on the second rope, and there's a big big powerbomb! Matt starts the slow, noisy crawl to his corner - and there's the hot tag! Duck, dropkick off the ropes, into the ropes is reversed, 'Pac's dropkick misses as Jeff hooks the ropes - there's the Speaking in Tongues double legdrop downstairs. Matt in - double free shot for the Show - 'Pac into the corner, Poetry in Motion, oops Show is back in and that double clothesline should turn things back around. Beal for Matt, beal for Jeff, big boot - MISSES when Matt ducks, and Show straddles the top rope! Oh no, T is in with a Harlem sidekick but Matt isn't home for THAT either - and Show eats the boot! Matt clotheslines himself and T outside - right by Jeff on 'Pac - whip is reversed but Jeff is up and over - back kick by X-Pac - X Factor (!) but Robinson isn't there for the cover as ELVIS has risen from the dead and appeared in the ring - looks more like Goldust to me - anyway, 'Pac lets up to try to get Robinson's attention, and sure enough Jeff recovers and rolls up 'Pac with a schoolboy for 1, 2, 3. (4:23) Show & 'Pac blame T for the loss, as you might expect, while Goldust is miffed that things didn't go as well as planned

It's Trish and she's stretching! It's Heyman and HE'S (allegedly) stretching! I really don't wanna bother with this, but somebody might ask me later if I don't do it now... "You know, Trish, I uh...was watching SmackDown! last Thursday night and...well, you were there in your bra and your panties and...it's just an image I have not gotten out of my mind ever since. And then last night at Judgment Day when you defended the Women's Championship, and just the way that you won your match, I mean you just looked like such a *woman.* And then I'm sure you saw my match in which I pinned Jeff Hardy and just being in the ring and all the physical interaction - it just made me feel like such a man. And now, I was just wondering, just a few moments ago if maybe, just maybe you'd ah - like to get together tonight and just relieve some of that...sexual...tension." "Excuse me, Paul, I have a match." Heyman does his best Goldust inhale and looks at....who knows. "That's not a no."

WWE Velocity premieres this Saturday at 10!

Did you know "Chris Zimmerman" is in the "Men in Black" credits? It's true!

And now, the WWE Rewind, brought to you by Snickers Cruncher! Last week, Trish Stratus took the Women's title from Jazz.

The NWO & Goldust are backstage. "What the hell is that, man? That freak of a friend of yours, man, caused us to lose man!" "Hey man, this freak ain't my friend!" "I'm his bosom companion--" "What the HELL are you talkin' about?" Show: "All right, you know what - that's it. I've had it. I'm takin' over as the leader. And from now on, whatever I say goes." 'Pac puts a finger in Show's chest and whoa whoa whoas. "You better watch it." "I'm sorry, bro. But hey - I've been in this damn group longer than both of you. So if anybody's gonna be the leader, it's gonna be me. Know what I'm sayin'?" "If you would allow ME to join the NWO, perhaps I can be the leader." All three: "NO!" T: "Hey, I'M gonna be the leader of the NWO - and you know what? I'm gonna go out there and prove it tonight by don' somethin' you two suckers couldn't - and that's beat the Hardyz. Tonight. And you know what? I'm gon' do it with this gold freak right here. Now can u dig that - suckas?" 'Pac: "Yeah? We'll see about that - sucka." "Booker, thank you. (Elvis) Thank you very much." "Man TAKE that gold crap off. Do this." 'dust sneers.

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS (champion - Toronto, Ontario - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, Greyhound, and trust - the anti-drug) v. JACQUELINE (challenger - Dallas, Tejas - with next week's RAW in Edmonton hype)
referee: CHAD PATTON

Lockup, nope. Lockup, nope. Well? Lockup, Trish shoves her to the corner. Clean break - but Jackie switches positions and gives her a double slap. Jackie with the "I want da belt" hand motion! Jackie lets her back to the centre. Lockup, armdrag by Jackie. Trish up a bit slower. Lockup, side headlock by Jackie, Trish trying to escape - nope - punch in the back - powers out but Jackie hits the shoulderblock. Scoop...and a slam. Armdrag, into the armbar. Trish kips up - elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, Jackie slides under. Jackie ducks the roundhouse kick and follows through into a leg sweep - cover - 2. Nice dropkick gets Jackie 2. Elbow by Trish - elbow - in the corner with a chop, chop, snapmares her over. Suplex. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Stratus still on her - elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Stratus, clothesline, 2. Elbow, into the ropes is reversed by Jackie, clothesline in the corner misses, Trish with the running bulldog - 1, 2, 3. (2:29) Aww, they shook hands. "Excuse me! Stop the music! Stop the music!" Why, it's BROCK (who can't stop doing the individual pec flex) & WEEZING (who has the mic). "You know, Trish - you did not give me an answer, and Brock does not like it when people don't give me answers. So let me spell this out for you so even you can understand it - we can do this one of two ways. One way is the nice way in which you say 'yes, Paul, I go with you.' The second way is the rough way, Brock likes it the rough way, and that's when you say 'no.' So Trish - is it YES? Or is it NO?" "NO!" "You wanna be rough? Brock - let's show this lady how rough you like it." Brock leaps to the apron - Trish fails to leave the ring as Lesnar does the individual pec flex a few more times - well here comes BUBBA RAY DUDLEY. Lesnar is ready to go for it, but Heyman holds him back. "Let him go - let him go!" Heyman says he knows what he's doing and rubs his fingers in the "money" pantomime. Heyman manages to get Lesnar back through the ropes - and out. Play Bubba's music! Trish affects her best "Lifetime afternon movie lead" face. Wow, I can actually FEEL the regression taking place before my very eyes!

Take a look at the Luxor - I mean, the Memphis Pyramid!

Let Us Take You Back to Judgment Day - this was how it opened, except without the Judgment Day clips in it (on account of the show hadn't happened yet) - also, it didn't cost you an extra $34.95 to see it here

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY - Ross says Hogan only lost the belt because of the distraction of Mr. McMahon and the use of a STEEL chair by The (Awesome) Undertaker.

Let's take a look at the WWE.com homepage

"A Day in the Life of Tommy Dreamer" - a trip to the barber's - he eats hair! He drinks the blue stuff! He eats gel! He's really stupid! He's Tommy Dreamer! Thanks for coming out.

Tending to his wicked cut, the doctor recommends van Dam take the rest of the night off. "You can forget about that, Doc. There's no way anybody's gonna stop me from goin' out there and kickin' Undertaker's ass. The title's on the line - so's my pride. He's gonna find out that he messed with the wrong man when he meesed with Rob van Dam. Just clean me up."

TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Rob van Dam - the title is on the line!

"Get the F out" spot

WWE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM REGAL (champion - Blackpool, England - 240 pounds - with Molly Holly - and WWE Tough Enough 2 soundtrack ad) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (challenger - Dudleyville - 325 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
Side headlock by Regal, grinding it in, left, Dudley powers out, shoulderblock by Regal, 1, kickout, 1, kickout, Euro elbow, again, again, again, into the opposite corner is reversed, big back body drop by Dudley, clothesline, scoop...and a slam, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, dancin' drinky drinky, axehandle, leg hooked, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes is reversed, Holly grabs Dudley's ankle and holds him up - he still gets the elbow up to stop the oncoming Regal, then goes out after HER. The chase is on - Molly back in the ring - Dudley following - Regal with a glancing left hand, doubles him over with a gutshot, and there's a running knee to the head. Thrown into the second rope. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Left kneelift, right kneelift, left kneelift - into the corner is reversed - Regal stops himself and runs at Dudley but they bump heads and both men go down. Doan gets all the way to 3 before they get up - left hand is blocked by Dudley - right connects - blocks Regal's left - right, left, right, scoop...and a slam, clothesline, left, left, left, flip flop fly, grab my crotch, bionic elbow, into the ropes, big sidewalk slam, 1, 2, Regal kicks out. Dudley gets a look. "Bubba - get the tables!" Umm, that's illegal in this match, don't you WANT the Euro title? Ah, I guess it's a moot point (still - sloppy writing, that) anyway as BROCK punks him out from behind (DQ 2:44), then throws him in the ring, puts him on his back, and hits the Argentinian TKO. HEY, there's MAN as well. Brock's music plays - but it's not over yet. Molly passes the brass knux to Regal, who puts them on...and gives the Power of the Punch to the back of Dudley's head, putting him down and out. Play HIS music! Regal makes a big show out of getting his belt back. Let's take some replays.

"Hulkamania" magazine ad - quick, buy it before you decide nostalgia IS for the weak, after all!

Lita shills Stacker 2

Does ANYBODY know what the song on the TNN Research guy's phone is? It's kinda driving us nuts.

"Velocity" ad #2

Just about time for the second hour and here comes RIC FLAIR & ARN ANDERSON (with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes). How can Hogan retire if they signed him for three years? Must have been a salary cap move. "Stone - Cold - Steve Austin...I know you can hear me, because I looked into those snake eyes of yours just before I walked out here tonight. We've gotta set the record straight. At Judgment Day, you did not beat me - I was not even the legal man in the ring. So as the owner of RAW, I have taken it upon myself to correct the record book." That's pretty cool, actually. "You know, I think Frank Sinatra said it best in 'My Way' - 'Mistakes, I've made a few / but then gain, too few to mention.' Clearly, Austin, up until now, I have made some mistakes in my treatment of you. Plan B goes into effect tonight. So Austin, if you've got the guts to walk out here, I would like to explain to you my new plan...face to face." There's a lot of nodding in the ring - I should probably note Anderson's not wearing his glasses for this encounter? The breaking of glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who goes ahead and hits all four corners. His pacing stops short of Flair when Anderson holds up a hand. "In the event that you're thinkin' of doin' somethin' foolish, I'd like to remind ya...Ric Flair's got PERMANENT backup - that'd be me. Double A. Arn Anderson." Flair stands one shoulder behind Anderson. "You know, Austin - clearly I've made some of the same mistakes that Vince McMahon did...by trying to stack the deck against you in the ring night after night, putting you against all odds. It didn't work. Plan B. Heh heh heh. You - heh - are the property of RAW. You're my property. So I'm gonna do to you - heh - the worst thing I could possibly do to you and to all these millions of fans worldwide that love Stone Cold. I'm takin' you out of matches in the ring. I'm gonna take from you what makes you tick - I'm gonna take you out of that thrill of competition that winds you up every day. As a matter of fact, Austin... ["ass hole"] ...I repeat, I'm takin' you out of the ring, as a matter of fact, as of tonight...you're benched. That's right! You got - you got the night off. So get outta my sight right now. I want you...to hit the bricks, Stone Cold." Austin ponders, then gives Anderson a right, Flair a right, right for Anderson, right for Flair, KICK WHAM STUNNER for Anderson, KICK WHAM STUNNER for Flair, hit my music, beer me, beer me, beer me, beer me. Middle finger, beers, steals Flair's hanky from his coat pocket and wipes his head with it, then throws it away. Austin's out - no, wait, he's back. Beer me. Middle finger. Austin toasts Flair, getting beer all over him - this wakes him up. Austin's back to the top of the stage and away - Flair flails wildly.

WWEShopZone dot com ad

CAW CAW CAW has joined the commentary team. "Yeah, King, listen, don't even greet me because you know I'm sick of coming out here every week, you and your lecherous ways, you never talk about wrestling, you never talk about what's going in the ring, do you even know anything about wrestling any longer? Obviously, you don't know anything about women, either, because your wife wouldn't have left you then. Oh, whatever, King. I'm out here to show you how to commentate correctly!"

HARDY BOYZ v. GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Judgment Day) and BOOKER T (Houston, Tejas - 251 pounds - and Calgary event hype)
"Will you be able to discuss this, King? I mean, there are no puppies involved in the match." Last night at Judgment Day (courtesy: the encore), Booker T was involved in this hilarious series of vignettes that you may have paid $34.95 for not knowing you'd see it for free tonight. Why exactly Book let a cameraman follow him all the way to the Marriot is unclear. At least tonight, Book's bare ass gets the Japanese Region 2 DVD treatment. Raven hits the "your wife left you" spot again - I guess he's already out of material. T locks up with Matt - kneelift, forearm in the back, forearm, into the ropes, Matt ducks, Harlem sidekick by T. Tag to Goldust - into the ropes, Goldy with the buttbutt. Into the corner, boot up by Hardy, "Side Effect right there by Matt Hardy - a fine move." Golly even I'D forgotten he wanted to call it that. Matt ducks the swing from T and gives him a Cutter into the top rope. Back to Goldy who lands the right. Stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes is reversed, and X-PAC is on the apron with a kick to the head - Matt rolls him up for 1, 2, 3 (1:05) and huh? 'Pac and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW tell T that Goldust really screwed up his match...then kinda yuk up the whole situation.

The WWF cameras, always managing to be in the right place at the right time, show us MUGS - a famous Memphis karaoke bar or something. Why? Oh, because Mr. & Mrs. Austin just arrived. Two Natural Lights ordered (I get kicked off the show for tonight and you give me LIGHT beer?) and...we take an ad break. Wheeeeeee

When we come back, this fearsome foursome is STILL in the ring. T's got the mic...but it don't work. "Listen up! Hey man, I don't know what's the deal, but look here. Just 'cause you couldn't get the job last night, I don't know why you gotta mess up my thing, look - I thought we was on the same team!" "We ARE on the same team - where the hell were you last night at Judgment Day when NWO coulda used you against Austin, huh?" "Look, man - I'm not the one that kicked my own partner in the head." "No, no - no, you know what you were doin'? You were in some hotem room last night, tryin' to get laid by some Halle Berry-lookin' chick." "You know what, at least I CAN get laid. You know what - you two suckas are just jealous because I'm Booker T, the five-time WCW champion - now can u dig that - suckaaaaaaaaa?" Show: "All I know is...we didn't ask you to be in this group. And if you want out, I got NO problem takin' you out...(moves nose to nose)...personally." "Aight - you want some'a me? You want some'a me, you big seven foot sucka? Get some want some - let's do it!" But before they go at it, the music hits again and BIG & TALL is out. Nash Diesels over the top rope and joins the fray. Hokey smokes his hair is so LIGHT and FAIRY - I mean AIRY now. Goldust backs out after Nash gives him the look. "Let's get somethin' straight right now. *Flair* put the T-shirt on you. Flair runs the RAW brand - NASH runs the NWO. Oh - and now you two got my back, right? That means a lot - the last two weeks, you've made these colours PATHETIC! Do you know what this is? It's NWO! It *was* the most feared logo this sport has ever seen! You know what makes me so sick? 'Cause it can be again. You and I are the two biggest guys in this company. We team up together, nobody's gonna beat us. You and I go back twelve damn years, man. Are you with me? We can turn this thing around, we can do it tonight, are you with me?" There's two Wolfpac signs touching. "How about you, G-Money - are you with me, G-Money?" Show puts his hand up. "I didn't invite you to the party in the first place, Booker, but I'll tell ya one thing - the NWO's got plenty o' room for a five-time world champion. Now can u dig THAT, sucker?" T looks about - no great outcry from the fans - and he adds HIS Wolfpac sign to the middle of the circle. Play the music! Everybody hugs. Crowd is......well, perhaps they're in awe of being a party to such history.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, Austin is actually cracking a smile - the bartender delivers a beer for Austin and a teddybear for Debra... "from the gentleman across the room." Austin looks over...and sees Eddie Guerrero saluting him with a bottle. Austin's getting a little bit hot, and says so - Debra suggests he go sing a song. Thankfully, we go to an ad break before finding out whether he goes for that or not...

"Velocity" ad #3 - wow, they really want you to watch, don't they

The RAW brand goes live Friday in Duluth, Saturday in Winnipeg, Sunday in Red Deer, and next week Edmonton is RAW!

Ross hypes the Global Warning stop in Melbourne - 43,000 tickets were sold but there're still some left. Raven forgets his line, so he returns to his earlier shtick...but then removes his headset and heads to the ring.

"You know what, King? I've sat there and listened to you talk about nothing but puppies - puppies - and more puppies - week in and week-- you know, obviously you don't know a thing about wrestling anymore. You used to be a legend, but now, you're just a has-been, King. You know what? If you're not too afraid of being embarrassed, King, I'll go to the back - I'll put on my gear - and if you're in the ring when I come back, I will humble you, and I will humiliate you, courtesy of what has come to be known as The Raven Effect." Lawler gets a misc and stands on his chair. "Now...you know, lemme borrow a little phrase from Booker T, tell me you did not just challenge me to a match in my hometown!" "Oh yeah, I did, King!" "Well you know, nothin' - first of all let me say, the last time I saw something that looked like you, Raven, I flushed it. So you go to the back, you get your gear on, and The King will be waitin' for you in the ring when you get back, okay?" Crowd chants "Jerry!"

Meanwhile, back at the bar, Austin has managed to calm down and ignore Guerrero at Debra's request. Called up to perform a little karaoke, Austin is stopped when Guerrero runs up and cuts. "Did you hear the lady just call my name?" "Espanol, espanol, espanol, why don't you go chill out with your wife? Just go with your woman and RELAX." Again, Debra pulls Austin back, leaving Guerrero with the mic. Heckler in crowd: "We don't wanna hear 'La Bamba!'" "I tell you what - why don't you play me some of, uh, YOUR music - and I'll show you how it's done - Latino Style." I suppose I should mention Guerrero's got two women at his table. "You know, if you're wondering what Latino's all about, I'd be more than happy to oblige you." Guerrero breaks into Garth Brooks' "Shameless," randomly replacing certain words with Spanish and/or cuttin' a promo, and proceeds to sing FOR FIVE HOURS - to the point where even JR has to prop up the bit by vamping to fill the dead air. To make it even more exciting and dramatic, the cameraman never bothers to seek out *either* Austin this ENTIRE time...which can only mean there's another segment to come...

Tough Enough 2 ad - wow, they sure make it look like Jackie's leaving, don't they?

Lita shills Stacker 2 - again

As we take another look at the Pyramid, this seems like a good time to mention that Snickers Cruncher is the proud sponsor of WWE King of the Ring, in Columbus 23 June!

JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring - Memphis, Tennessee - 234 pounds) v. RAVEN (The Bowery - 225 pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover)
Okay, listen up. I only want THREE things out of this match. ONE, Lawler drops the fistdrop. TWO, Lawler throws the dropkick. THREE, Raven finds a way to win. Give me these three and this will be the GREATEST MATCH EVER. "Jerry" chant. Lockup, Raven with a scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Raven winds up - running lariat. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, blatant choke, lariat against the ropes, lariat, kick, big right hand and Lawler goes over the top rope to the outside! Raven goes outside and displays Lawler to Ross. "You see that, JR? You see that? I'll be sitting there next week, JR!" Thrown back in the ring - head to the buckle. Head to the buckle - oh no, I think you just made him invincible, Raven. Head to the buckle - NO SALE. Raven tries again - Lawler blocks it - back elbow to the gut - DOWN COMES THE STRAP! RIGHT HAND! RIGHT HAND! RIGHT HAND! DROPKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lawler drops to his knees and gives Raven ten quick shots to the noodle. Five heads to the buckle - to the adjacent buckle for five more - to the THIRD buckle five times - they should have made this a strap match 'cause Lawler makes all four with no trouble. RAVEN FLOP! Lawler gives the sign and goes to the second floor - OHHHHHHHHH Raven goes outside and walks up the ramp. I have a strong feeling I won't get my fistdrop as Robinson's gonna get to 10 this time. (COR 3:10) SECOND GREATEST MATCH EVER.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Austin is up to the mic - and requests "Margaritaville." Crowd sings along, pausing to say "What?" at inopportune moments. This goes on for about ten hours, but Austin cuts it short after the first chorus, asking instead for "The Chair" by George Strait. Instead, they somehow end up with Hank Williams Jnr's "Family Tradition" instead, which Debra seems to like - wow, there must be like three cameras in here. Anyway, Steve stops again and decides to confront Guerrero. Eddie won't make eye contact, though. Eddie has Bud but his women have...what is that, Bacardi Breeze mixers? Hey, I thought he wasn't supposed to be....oh, I see, it's a GIMMICK bottle - I know this, 'cause Austin just got it broken over his head by Guerrero after turning his back to go back and sing just one more song "to annoy him." This was the LONGEST SEGMENT IN THE WORLD but at least Guerreor doesn't have to feel like he went all the way out to Memphis for NOTHIN'.

Rob van Dam is WALKING!

This week, WWE Confidential debuts - and Shawn Michael is the focus. Also, the host is Mean Gene Okerlund (and His Many Top-Secret Sources Whose Names He Cannot Possibly Divulge) (thanks Rick)

Man, Mick Foley sure sounds like he's on the helium for this Pam Anderson ad voiceover, doesn't he?

Damn, I KNOW I know what that cel phone song is - WHY can't I think of it without begging for a couple hundred emails telling me? The burden of the chronicler, I suppose...sigh

The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From Judgment Day, Taker decapitates Hogan with a post-match chair edge to the larynx

WWE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM (challenger - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) v. THE UNDERTAKER (champion - Houston, Texas - 328 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
Ross tries to cover the fact that they never told us who van Dam's opponent was earlier, saying van Dam was out to talk to the fans - although I've never heard anyone get a ring intro with hailing from and weight announced before they "talk to the fans." WOW! is Taker's new music ultra stinky. As Taker climbs onto the apron, it's van Dam with a baseball slide dropkick to take Taker's legs out from under him and back to the floor. Pescado! Right, right, knee, elbow, Taker starts a run outside but van Dam catches up - then chokes him with his shirt. Into the ring - van Dam points to himself on the apron - then ducks the oncoming bigboot, causing Taker to crotch himself on the top rope. Bell rings in here. van Dam yanks on the leg. van Dam up top - leaping kick - 1, 2, no. Kick, elbow, into the ropes, reversal, back elbow by Taker. Scoop...but van Dam breaks free. van Dam catches a kick - stepover heel kick - 1, 2, no! van Dam with a kick. Off the ropes, clothesline takes Taker outside and onto the commentary table. van Dam out after him, but Taker pops up the back elbow to turn it around. Headbutt. Taker is targeting the cut - whip into the barricade is reversed and Taker goes over! van Dam stands on the barricade - then drops the leg on the back of his head! Taker falls back to the floor. van Dam climbs back over to him. Kick to the head by van Dam - Taker rolled in - van Dam follows. Shoulder in the gut, shoulder, superfluous backflip - and Taker clotheslines him. He should probably stop doing that! Taker sets up van Dam for the Last Ride - van Dam starts punching at the apex - and with van Dam on his shoulders, Taker falls! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Taker shoves him off! Stomp, elbow, elbow, elbow, off the ropes - into Taker's big boot. Taker slumps into a corner...and starts doing a little turnbuckle surgery, removing the pad off the top buckle. Back to van Dam - and targeting the cut with the soupbone. Soupbone. Soupbone! Soupbone, soupbone, kick, kick, kick, stomp, "your momma sucks" (hahaha), picks up van Dam and gives him another soupbone. Into the opposite corner - right into the exposed eyebolt. Taker knocks him down again. "This is what I'm gonna do to RVD." Knee to the head - knee - knee - chases off Hebner and goes back to van Dam with a stomp. Taker won't stop talking and you gotta love him. Back elbow in the corner. van Dam draped in the corner. Boxing stance - left, soupbone, uppercut, kick...into the opposite corner - choke...but van Dam manages an overhead kick to get out! But walks right into a bodyslam. Taker drops the elbow - and misses! van Dam quickens - seated dropkick - another - a THIRD - 1, 2, NO! Quick count there, Earl...van Dam staying on him - elbow, elbow, kick, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, right, right, but Taker picks him up and reverses positions - soupbone left soupbone left soupbone, soupbone...makes Hebner flinch...whip is reversed and TAKER hits the eyebolt with his back - staggers into a Viscera - van Dam with Rolling Thunder - too close to the ropes - 1, foot on the ropes, 2, 3 - WHOA! Hebner didn't see it and... I don't believe it! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW Undisputed Champion! (3:57) "Call your friends and neighbours - van Dam wins!" Well, now wait a minute - RIC FLAIR is out like a shot. "Whoa - whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - his foot was on the rope. There's no way the WWE Undisputed Championship changes hands with a foot on the rope with Ric Flair around. Continue the match! The match continues - continue the match." van Dam takes issue with this ('cause he's a big CHEATER) and grabs Flair - an elbow puts Flair down, but he should have paid attention to his back - gutshot by Taker, ring the bell, big big Last Ride, ohh 1, 2, 3. (+0:13) Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA proclaims Taker the NEW Champion and gosh, I hope they don't REALLY make that an official reign. Flair grins, replay taken and Taker does sneak in a pose with the belt before the Raw Zone credits are up - and we're out.

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