LYRICS OF THE
You're like a dull knife / Just ain't cuttin' /
You're talkin' loud / and sayin' nothin' - James Brown & Bobby Byrd
I GET INSTANT
MESSAGES: TheHock5: What'd
you think of the
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 7.37 (- .88, last year: 11, two years ago: 14 15/16) - latest press releases have WWE claiming positive EBITDA (which in the dotcom world translates to "hiding the fact that we're not making a profit") - there's also a blurb about setting with the William Morris Agency for $13M, but I have no idea what that's about. I hope Meltzer tells someone who will tell ME. When they tell you they're losing money, is it really such a surprise that they're not opening the shows with pyro anymore? And yet...they're still bothering to drop coin so they can still open up Heat and Velocity with pyro. I guess this is why I'm not in business because I could NEVER figure out stuff like THIS....
TONIGHT: Monday Night RAW comes to you from Montreal - get ready to hear about how Bret Hart was screwed! Also, a women's tag match: Trish and Jacqueline take on Victoria and Molly with a special guest ref in the mix! But opening up the show will be Kane & Hurricane putting the world tag team titles on the line against Christian & Chris Jericho! Don'tcha dare miss it because it all kicks off at the top of the hour!
The following is a Special Vegas Month Presentation! Because....Montreal is the Vegas... of....hrm
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - the face of neither
In case you'd managed to erase the last few minutes of last week's show out of your mind, here's a special video look at them one more time.
Kane & Hurricane are WALKING! JONATHAN COACHMAN tries to get a word from Kane - will he respond to the allegations? "THAT is none of your BUSINESS!" Hurricane scowls as they both continue on...
Opening Credits - Here it comes again...can you feel it? It's in the air, it's coming in on the wind, and I'm not just talking about the autumn breeze. I keep telling you it's happened and it's happening, but sometimes I feel like I could talk and type until I'm blue in the face and fingers and there are those of you who STILL won't believe, even when it's staring you straight in the fact. Change is coming, my friends - when it happens, it will whip you around so hard...and you'll claim you'd never seen it coming, but that's because you have always and will always REFUSE to see the change in me - WHY WON'T YOU WAKE UP
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HURRICANE
& KANE (intercontinental champion)
(champions - 541 pounds - with transmitido en espanol SAP) v. CHRISTIAN
(challenger - Toronto, Ontario - 224 pounds - with your hosts are JIM ROSS
& JERRY LAWLER) and CHRIS JERICHO (challenger - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227
pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Catch the WWE live! Tomorrow, Toronto! Saturday, Texarkana! Sunday is No Mercy in Little Rock! And next week is Jackson, with Tuesday in Memphis!
Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago
Booker T and Goldust try to break up Jericho and Christian's celebration, but the officials - and eventually Bischoff - keep 'em separated. Bischoff has congratulations for them, but tells them that they have to defend Sunday against Booker T & Goldust. If Stephanie's gonna award HER tag team titles, he'll for damn sure have a tag team title match of his own at the pay-per-view. "The only thing I know is, one way or another, this sucka's ass belongs to me!" "I ain't got no sucka ass - and one thing's for sure, I ain't no sucker!" "You're not a sucker! You're a champion!" "The champion - and the King of the World! YEAAAAAAAAH" Best part of this bit is watching Jericho pour champagne on Christian early on...resulting in him trying to clear out his eyes for the rest of the segment
LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230
pounds - with William Regal...and Let
Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. AL SNOW (Lima, Ohio - 246
Backstage, Coach has Victoria - she'll get a shot at the women's title this Sunday. What's up with her and Trish Stratus? "You know, years ago, when Trish and I were fitness models, the WWE was interested in the both of us. And Trish acted like my friend...she told me how great it would be for us to be Divas together...but, Trish Stratus never let me get my chance. I languished - waiting for my opportunity - waiting for my big break. It's true...I'll do anything to get my chance - unlike Trish Stratus, who will do anyone." Here's Trish for a staredown. "What?" and she slaps her. Victoria pops back up - and smiles....
No Mercy ad - hi, Pete
Spike Dudley and Jeff Hardy talk about how great it is to be injured during matches - Rob van Dam joins them, and we learn that they've all been gathered in the same place for a meeting with Bischoff. Hardy: "Yeah, he's probably got another TLC match for us or something. By the way, how is Bubba?" Apparently, he's got a major concussion - Spike and Dreamer were with him in the hospital all night Monday and he doesn't even remember the match. Bischoff enters the frame displaying his audition for the House of Sarcastic Clapping People. "You three guys - I am SO proud of all three of you, really, I am. And by the way, thanks for meeting me here tonight, and...it's too bad Bubba couldn't be here but it's amazing, I can't believe all three of you guys didn't get knocked loopy in that match, it was unbelievable. And don't worry about Bubba; he'll be fine. Now, to show my appreciation to you three guys, I got a very special highlight - your own personal highlight reel. Check it out."
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Last Week's TLC match - better yet, let's go back and reread the RAW report
"Is that amazing or what? Now, Jeff...you've got a match coming up next with Rico, and if I were you, I'd be getting ready. Spike, I've got to talk to Rob here so why don't you do me a favour and take a walk....maybe you didn't hear me. I said do me a favour and take a hike, and tell your brother I said to get well soon." "BITE ME." Ooh irony! "Now Rob...your performance in that TLC match was scintillating! I mean, so much so that I've got a very special surprise for you this Sunday at No Mercy. It's gonna be the biggest night of your life - the biggest match in your career, you're going to step inside of the ring with the sixteen-time WOOOO World heavyweight champion, the Nature Boy Ric Flair. I mean, I figured you deserved the match after Flair took that sledgehammer and BAM right into your guts at Unforgiven. What do you think?" "Ric Flair, huh. Cool." "Yeah, right, cool. Now...for tonight, you know that Kane, one half of my RAW main event at No Mercy, he had to compete tonight. And to keep things fair, because Eric Bischoff is nothing less than a very fair man, I've got a very special match for you - coming live from Montreal, imagine this...a Canadian lumberjack match! That's right, twenty guys surrounding the ring, just picture this - with a leather strap, and inside that ring...RVD...one on one...with Triple H!" van Dam walks off. "Hahahaha - and they said I couldn't top TLC - hahahahaha!"
Tough Enough III - the casting special is THURSDAY
Triple H paces and Flair shakes his head. "A Canadian lumberjack match? What the hell is that?" "I don't know." "And, and he's gonna give these guys leather straps. Does Bischoff have *any* idea how many of those guys would LOVE to take a shot at the champ with a leather strap?" "He's startin' to really annoy me." "Man, I was supposed to have the night off." "Champ, you're preachin' to the choir. I kept my end of the bargain with Eric Bischoff, what does he do to repay me? He puts me in a match with RVD at No Mercy? What's he thinkin' about?" "I tell you what...you're not gonna have to worry about RVD at No Mercy. I'm gonna take care of Rob...tonight. I'll tell you something else, Ric. Bischoff wants to ruin our night? I'm gonna start ruinin' some people's nights around here, I'm gonna start with Kane. I'm gonna give Kane until the end of this next match to go out there and spill the beans in front of the whole world - and if that burnt up freak decides not to, then I'm gonna do it for him. I'll tell the whole world the truth about Katie Vick. Kane...is a murderer."
JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina -
218 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by "The Ring," Stacker 2 and
Snickers!) v. RICO (Las Vegas, Nevada - 232 pounds - with Toronto event
Kane beats up random pieces of furniture. Hurricane tries to reassure him - Triple H is just trying to get in his head; they can get back the tag team titles anytime they want. "Right now, I don't give a damn about the tag team titles, you understand? I just want to be left...alone. Okay?" Hurricane begs off and takes off. Kane finally sits down. Here comes Terri. Kane says he doesn't want to be interviewed right now. "Kane, I'm not coming here as an interviewer right now; I'm here as your friend. I don't like seeing you like this, you know? You need to let whatever is bottled up inside of you out. Just get it out, get it off your chest, and I think you need to do it publicly. You just went out there and lost the world tag team titles, and there's no way you're gonna beat Hunter, Triple H, this Sunday for the world title - not in this frame of mind you're not - there's no way. I know you can do this. You have faced adversity, you've overcome adversity all your life. You need to tell the people your story." "Yeah....you're right. I need to do this. I need to do it now. Thanks." I think the best thing about this scene is how LIFELIKE it appears. And I don't just mean the way the players *look*, ha ha!
When we come back, KANE is in the ring. He sure loves to snap his elbowpad! Before we move on, let me just say that LAST week, I wanted to be sure I heard correctly, so I doublechecked and picked up "Katie *F*ick" from the WWE.com RAW report (it's still there, actually) - at the time, I remarked that maybe picking a word Carsten Schaefer, were he still employed to do commentary by WWE International (and maybe he is, I don't know - umm, I'm getting bogged down in tangetia again), couldn't use on the air...well, it just wasn't the best idea. Sure enough, THIS week everyone keeps saying "Vick." Like Kane, right here and right now: "Katie Vick was a friend o' mine, and Katie Vick is dead. But I didn't kill her. It was an accident, and I am NOT a murderer! See, Katie and I were friends about ten years ago, back when I first started wrestling; in fact, she came to my first match and she was probably the only one that cared when I was gettin' beat up. I cared about her, too. One night Katie and I, uh - we went to a party and Katie had too much to drink. So I decided that I should drive her home. I wasn't real familiar with a stick shift, but Katie insisted that we take her car, ah - it was dark...the road was slick 'cause it was raining and a animal jumped, jumped right out in front of us, and uh...I swerved...swerved to uh, to avoid it, and the car spun out of control and went off the road, and... I broke my arm, but Katie was, uh...Katie was killed instantly. But it was an accident!! But it's somethin' that I have to live with, and...something that I've thought about every day since. So, the only thing that I have left to say is what I said to Katie's parents. I'm sorry." TRIPLE H is out without entrance. "Oh, boo hoo, Kane. Boo hoo. You've got me all choked up with your touching story, Kane. But since you're out here baring your soul, why don't you tell the world the whole truth? Why don't you tell the world how, when the people from that party were questioned, they all said that you were drinking, too, Kane? Why don't you tell everybody how, when the police got to the accident scene, there were empty beer cans in the car and all around the crime scene. And more importantly, Kane, why don't you explain to the world how, when doctors did the autopsy on Katie Vick's body, the doctors found *your* semen? That's right, Kane...oh, Katie Vick was a whole lot more than just a 'friend' to you, wasn't she, Kane? The fact is you loved Katie Vick. You were *madly* in love with Katie Vick. The problem was, Katie Vick LIKED you - she didn't love you, Kane. Katie didn't share your 'special' feelings that you had. Come on, Kane, honestly, who can blame her? Look at you. Who could realistically love a burnt-up freak like you?" Tori? "Now, Kane...I know that you weren't charged with murder, I know you weren't even charged with manslaughter. But Kane, facts are facts." Crowd has grown weary and starts chanting (presumably "asshole" in Quebecois French). "And the fact is...Kane, the fact is that all this points to you. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. YOU - KILLED - KATIE - VICK. But Kane, the question I have is...on that night, did you...force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive....or did you just wait, and do it to her when she was dead?" Zoom in on both men...and fade out. Just in case you weren't getting the "soap opera" vibe yet. I know *I* was...'cause I HATE soap operas.
I GET INSTANT MESSAGES: CbsFan12: I'm telling you as a friend: Quit the RAW recap. Tonight. Sometime before :55 minutes in. You really won't regret it at all. AT ALL.
You know, I'm starting to think he doesn't want to guest host for me anymore...
I GET LETTERS: And if that weren't enough, MORE east coast tomfoolery from Dark Cheetah: After tonight's latest installment of the "Kane is a murderer" angle, I wouldn't blame you if you stopped recapping in disgust. I can't believe they actually think this shit is *entertaining*.
Never before have so many so close to me expressed such concern that I was ready to go off the deep end. This has to be a sign of....SOMETHING. Right?
By the way, it sure seems like they've gone to great lengths to kiss off any female portion of the audience they'd managed to keep all this time. That's probably the exact opposite of what they were *going* for, but then....well, nothing new here, right?
One final point - does ANY of this make you want to drop the $34.95 on No Mercy?
Moments Ago, seven paragraphs ago - come on, even SOAPS don't feel like they have to replay the pre-commercial zinger coming out of the break
Kane leaves. Hurricane urges him not to go - not like this. "If I stay here, if I stay here, I will do something that I'll regret for the rest of my life. Okay?" And there he goes...
Special Guest Referee: STACY
wwe.com's "2002 Maxim Babe of the Year" hype)
Backstage, Patrick doles out straps from the big box o' straps to Spike, Dreamer, Booker T & Goldust. Booker tries his out - "BOOYA! That's what I'm talkin' about - I'm fixin' to go out here and whup some flesh off that pompous ass Triple H, fo' shizzy, let's do this, dawg..."
TONIGHT: Rob van Dam vs. Triple H - Candian lumberjack match
No Mercy ad - Triple H/Kane hyped
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell the Braille version of Playboy?
Batista teaser - "A new threat - renewed fears - ravenous hunger - thrill of the hunt - you've been warned - RAW" It's kind of a funny thing, but all the commentary snippets they lift from JR and the King for this piece *have* to be from them talking about someone else....because Batista's never actually APPEARED on this show. "He is an amazing, amazing athlete - look at the power and strength of this monster." "Look at this! This is gonna be very interesting, JR." "Here comes the monster." "Uh oh - this is not gonna be pretty." Uh oh - this is not gonna be pretty." Okay, it's only interesting TO ME. And maybe the girl (or guy) who had to put this clip together, that's two.
Back in the ring, it's our old friend THE WIFESWAPPER. "I just want to say that regardless of whatever frame of mind Kane may be in, he WILL be competing at No Mercy, one on one, against Triple H. Intercontinental title versus the World title - winner takes all. And that winner take all match is going to go down in history, because it will be the last time the intercontinental title is ever going to be represented." Crowd boos! "So with that in mind, I (Eric Bischoff) would like to introduce WWE's very first intercontinental champion, Montreal's own, your own, PAT PATTERSON!" Fabulous Moolah's music plays and here comes the Quebec Dream. Patterson goes for the cheap Canadian pop by speaking Francais. When he starts to direct his comments to Bischoff, he's stopped. "Excuse me, Mr. Patterson? But this is an English-speaking show, so if you don't mind....(boos)...if you don't mind, if you have something to say, would you please say it in a language the world can understand?" "What I was about to tell you, Mr. Bischoff, is that I don't really trust you. So therefore, if you have any plans to play any game tonight, I will change my mind--" "No no no, Pat, Pat - Mr. Patterson, please. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. I mean, since I've gotten here to RAW, you're one of the guys that I've really been able to learn a lot about, and this is nothing about a three minute warning or anything like that." Did he just say.... "This is about history - your history - and the important part that you've played in WC - WEW's intercontinental history. So with that in mind, please - take a look at this video - a tribute to you and all the intercontinental champions here in WWE."
Here's a Special Video Look at "the legacy" - looks like they got all the early ones except Greg Valentine (wonder who HE pissed off) and Mr. Perfect - oh, and the guys who are dead (Rick Rude and Texas Tornado), 'cause of course they don't want to remind you of dead guys...wait, unless they're Owen Hart. Man, I'm really confused. They highlight Owen's K-Driller on Austin, his forfeiture of the belt to The Rock, and throwing the belt into the lake. They show Chyna winning the belt from Jeff Jarret - for which Jarrett will probably be thrilled - but also show Angle winning the belt as part of "the controversy." Okay, moving to the list of champions from 1991 on who are missing - we have includes The Mountie, Marty Janetty, Dean Douglas (ooh), Goldust, Ahmed Johnson, Marc Mero (natch), Ken Shamrock, Val Venis, Road Dogg, Godfather, D-Lo Brown (although we DO get a clip of him getting backdropped onto Stone Cold's truck - does that count?), Chris Benoit, Rikishi, Billy Gunn, Jeff Hardy, Albert, Lance Storm, Christian, Test, and William Regal. I've spent WAY too long analyzing this, although I've got plenty of witty comments I'll save for later.
"Ladies and gentlemen, WWE's own - MONTREAL'S own, Mr. Pat Patterson." Sure enough, THE NEW GOOD OLD JR make their appearance at this point - Patterson gamely gets in some licks before the numbers take over - Samoan Drop by Jamal and yikes, Patterson sure took it hard, landing RIGHT on his left shoulder - that won't help their reps any, I imagine. "Whoa, guys, hold up, hold up. Hey Pat - just like the intercontinental title, your three minutes are just about up!" Bischoff laughs it up while they stomp away - here comes GERALD BRISCO to try to help out, landing some lefts before falling to a double headbutt. Set up in the corner for a big butt splash from Jamal. And now Jamal hits a top rope splash on Patterson - and you just *know* they're beating up MEN this week so that TSN would actually AIR it. Man, does Rosey do anything for this team? WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and he's got his strap - major strapation on Rosey & Jamal! Jamal ends up outside, where D-LO BROWN joins us with his *own* strap. As Rosey goes up the ramp, JEFF HARDY runs out to get HIS retribution.
"Coming soon: WWE Anthology" - they use Bret Hart's music here...interesting choice, yuk yuk
The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by "The Ring" - from last month, Nowinski and Dreamer have some fun in a classroom. Before you die, you see another ad for "The Ring"
Here's a look at the slums of Montreal!
Nowinski checks his jaw in a mirror - Al Snow walks up and catches him in the circle game again. Fun reminiscing time. "Good times, gooood times. But seriously, I just wanted to come up and tell you how proud I am of the fact that you never gave up on your dream and that you finally made it." Handshake. "Yeah, I did...no thanks to you. Oh, by the way - nice loss tonight."
CHRISTOPER NOWINSKI (Cambridge,
Massachusetts - 260 pounds) v. TOMMY
DREAMER (Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds)
TERRI is backstage with Triple H. How can he justify his accusations? Triple H says he doesn't have to justify it - the police reports back up the facts, he's just sharing them. Terri questions the convenience of him having these facts at his disposal this close to his match with Kane at No Mercy. H again says he didn't dig it up; it was dropped in his lap and he's just passing along that Kane is a murderer. He tells Terri she needs to be careful with a guy like Kane - "I mean, he has a, uh penchant for hurting those that get close to him. You know, Terri....Kane...Kane's a murderer. And at No Mercy, I'm gonna take care of Kane. Kane might be able to take the life of a sweet girl like Katie Vick, but he will never be able to take my title." He leaves, we fade out - oops, he's back! I guess he forgot something. "And another thing. My Canadian lumberjack match tonight with RVD - let me just say this, that I always overcome the odds, don't I, Terri? Always. So tonight, I'm gonna overcome the odds and I'm gonna beat RVD just like I'm gonna beat Kane at No Mercy. Because the fact is, Terri, I am The Game...and to quote a friend of mine, whether you like it or you don't like it, I am That Damn Good." We fade out before he decides to come back again...
Here's another Special Video Look at Randy Orton - chicks dig him. Bob Orton, Sr. says he's a cross between George Clooney and Lou Thesz. Bob Orton, Jr.: "I just told him to wear protection." Surreal.
Up to LARRY KING on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has asked to address you tonight - he is certainly a WWE blue-chipper - he has met with some misfortune recently - please welcome RANDY ORTON." Orton has his arm in a sling. "Randy, you've asked for this time to speak your piece, so the floor is yours, young man." "Well, that's right, JR, I actually - I have some horrible news. Randy Orton tore his shoulder last week. Now, the doctors tell me that a normal person with this injury - they'd be out nine to twelve months. But the fact of the matter is, with my drive, with my athleticism, with my commitment to all of these people, I will be back in a mere three to four months!" Orton pauses to acknowledge the nonexistent pop. "Now, JR, three to four months is a long time to be away from something that you love. But you know what helps stop that pain? The fact that I know that these people can email me and wish me a speedy recovery. Can we get that email address up, please?" Crowd starts singing the chorus to "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." You can tell they're really into this! "That's GetWellRandy@WWE.com! And I promise - thank you, thank you, please, thank you, I promise to write back and respond to everybody who emails me back. Now you know what, JR, you know what I find funny? The fact that Montreal is known for the place where Bret Hart got screwed." Crowd perks up. "And I was thinkin' about it for a second, and I think Montreal should be known as the place where Randy Orton got screwed! I mean, I had to come out here today and make this announcement about how my career has been put on hold. But, JR, the difference is...unlike Bret Hart, Randy Orton *will* be back. Thank you, thank you." If any of you actually email him, I'd be interested in getting a copy of your reply - we can see how many form letters they're using if we get a big enough sample...that is, if anybody cares at all about this. (Do you?)
Booker T is WALKING! Big Show is WALKING! It is a split-screen of WALKING! WALKING! WALKING!
This week on "Confidential," Saliva will ...well, there'll be a video of Saliva retooling Chris Jericho's entrance music. I think. Just tune in if you need to know already, I ain't got TIME FOR YA
No Mercy - Hi, Pete #2
More WWE live events - Tomorrow, Toronto - Saturday, Texarkana - Sunday is No Mercy in Little Rock, and Monday is RAW in Nashville!
Canadian Lumberjackery is still to come! Also, Saliva's "Always" video will debut this Sunday on Heat!
BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds)
v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa,
Florida - 500 pounds - with RAW in Nashville hype) with falls counting
...where the camera picks up Show, T and Patrick emerging. Show with a spool of...something. T tries to right back, right, right, right, kick by Show, hard into a noisy metal wall. In the background, we see Flair leading a forklift driven by Triple H. T again goes into the metal. And one more time. THUMP. "Big Teezy - you want some o' me?" T stood up against the wall pieface style. Big boot tried - but T's out of the way. T with the fire extinguisher spray - and to the back. Cover - 1, 2, TWOOOOOO. Head to a case, kick, kick, gets a running start for the axe kick (!) - cover - 1, 2, TWOOOOOO. Show with a gutshot - head to another ambo case - T with an elbow, elbow, tries to run him into a table, but Show elbows HIM, and now they're into the Women's Locker Room. Camera catches a glimpse of somebody in the hall with a chair but doesn't linger on the shot so I can't tell who it is (hell, with this lack of light, it almost looks like Austin! But that's probably just my fevered pipe dream view) - through the locker room, women in towels, T with a nuts kick, forearm - into the shower where there's another woman in a towel. Kick, right, kick, forearm in the back - woman is identified as Trish - cover - 1, 2, no. From behind, Chris Jericho emerges with a WHACK chairshot - he commands Show cover, and he does. 1, 2, 3. (5:23) Christian and Jericho ask who the sucker is now, and Jericho adds a "How YOU doin'" to Stratus on his way out.
Back to the forklift as Flair directs it against a door. Coach catches up and starts "wait a second"ing before H tells "Sherlock Holmes" that half of the lumberjacks won't be making it to the match. "Got a problem with that...stooge?" He piefaces Coach to the floor - HE won't be notifying any authorities anytime soon!
NEXT: Canadian lumberjacks are okay - they sleep all night and they work all day
No Mercy ad - Hell in the Cell: Lesnar/Taker hyped
Booker T shills chicken 'n' ribs - and buttery mashed potatoes. Come to papa
CSI is coming up at 11:05! Hey, they're covering up this Tough Enough III ad like it's more like part of the RAW Zone and less like an ad
Lumberjacks are out - no red flannel and I am sad. We've got Jericho, Christian, Regal, Rico, Nowinski, Storm, Rosey and Jamal...hmm, eight out of twenty? 40% isn't a passing grade, even in Canada...
TRIPLE H (World champion - Greenwich,
Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Ric
Flair - and Subway presents No Mercy THIS SUNDAY!) v. ROB VAN DAM (Battle
Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) in a nontitle, Canadian lumberjack