LYRICS OF THE WEEK: You're like a dull knife / Just ain't cuttin' / You're talkin' loud / and sayin' nothin' - James Brown & Bobby Byrd

I GET INSTANT MESSAGES: TheHock5: What'd you think of the show tonight?
See Our Zed: I think it starts in three minutes

QUICK QUOTE: WWE 7.37 (- .88, last year: 11, two years ago: 14 15/16) - latest press releases have WWE claiming positive EBITDA (which in the dotcom world translates to "hiding the fact that we're not making a profit") - there's also a blurb about setting with the William Morris Agency for $13M, but I have no idea what that's about. I hope Meltzer tells someone who will tell ME. When they tell you they're losing money, is it really such a surprise that they're not opening the shows with pyro anymore? And yet...they're still bothering to drop coin so they can still open up Heat and Velocity with pyro. I guess this is why I'm not in business because I could NEVER figure out stuff like THIS....

TONIGHT: Monday Night RAW comes to you from Montreal - get ready to hear about how Bret Hart was screwed! Also, a women's tag match: Trish and Jacqueline take on Victoria and Molly with a special guest ref in the mix! But opening up the show will be Kane & Hurricane putting the world tag team titles on the line against Christian & Chris Jericho! Don'tcha dare miss it because it all kicks off at the top of the hour!

The following is a Special Vegas Month Presentation! Because....Montreal is the Vegas... of....hrm

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - the face of neither

In case you'd managed to erase the last few minutes of last week's show out of your mind, here's a special video look at them one more time.

Kane & Hurricane are WALKING! JONATHAN COACHMAN tries to get a word from Kane - will he respond to the allegations? "THAT is none of your BUSINESS!" Hurricane scowls as they both continue on...

Opening Credits - Here it comes again...can you feel it? It's in the air, it's coming in on the wind, and I'm not just talking about the autumn breeze. I keep telling you it's happened and it's happening, but sometimes I feel like I could talk and type until I'm blue in the face and fingers and there are those of you who STILL won't believe, even when it's staring you straight in the fact. Change is coming, my friends - when it happens, it will whip you around so hard...and you'll claim you'd never seen it coming, but that's because you have always and will always REFUSE to see the change in me - WHY WON'T YOU WAKE UP

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HURRICANE & KANE (intercontinental champion) (champions - 541 pounds - with transmitido en espanol SAP) v. CHRISTIAN (challenger - Toronto, Ontario - 224 pounds - with your hosts are JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER) and CHRIS JERICHO (challenger - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week)
Coming at you LIVE from Le Centre Bell in Montreal, QC (I promised to stop using "PQ") on 14.10.2, this is episode #490 of that show you and I still seem to call RAW, and not only is there no show opening pyro, but it appears that Christian's entrance is ALSO pyro-free (although the fact that they take the wide shot makes me wonder if maybe it just happened to not work). Of course, Christian has no hometown lest the Canadian crowd suddenly be reminded of the fact that he's Canadian, then cheer for him by default. (Yes, there are people who actually think this way.) Jericho's pyro DID work, and if you hadn't remembered Jericho had pyro, then I'd say that's another judicious application of funds by the "cost-cutting" WWE. We are barely finished viewing the clip of Jericho beating up Booker T after his cage match last week when BOOKER TIO is actually out, punking out Jericho from behind on the ramp. Christian tries to help and eats a right. The REFS & OFFICIALS are out to pull T away - look at Fit Finlay goosing Booker! - and they drag him off, but Kane is more than happy to pick the carcasses, feeding Christian into the ring and to Hurricane - and there's the bell. Hurricane with a clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes is reversed, but Hurricane his a flying lariat. There's what Tazz had called the Shining Wizard, but Jim Ross calls "the kick" - maybe we could get Hurricane back on SmackDown! some time - hooks the leg for 2. Christian with a knee, right, into the ropes, Hurricane ducks, Christian tries a tilt-a-whirl but Hurricane counters with the flying headscissors. Jericho comes in - Hurricane ducks and Kane knocks him down with a right. Big press by Kane - and thrown outside onto Christian! They're now in perfect position as Hurricane runs the ropes - somersault plancha (give JR credit for THAT call, though) lands! Back in - hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Crowd: "TWOOOOO" Tag to Kane - head to the buckle, right, back elbow, right, into the opposite corner, goozled up and put down hard. Off the ropes, big elbowdrop MISSES. Christian back to his feet - Jericho STILL isn't in his corner. Christian stands over Kane - but there's *another* choke! But instead of a chokeslam, Kane shoves him to the ropes, where he collides with Jericho on the apron, taking him to the floor again! Christian scooped up...and powerslammed down. 1, 2, no. TWOOOOOO Into the corner, tag to Hurricane, one more forearm from Kane before Hurricane takes over - right, right, Christian reverses the whip and Jericho lowers the bridge, taking Hurricane to the outside! Tonight, Booker T vs. Big Show in a falls count anywhere match! Jericho puts Hurricane hard into the barricade, right hand, Kane comes over and Patrick gets busy keeping him out of the action and also turning his back as Jericho and Christian doubleteam Hurricane in the ring. Jericho stays in without a tag - vertical suplex. Tag to Christian, kicks the back of the head, stomp, in the corner, right, right, right, blatant choke. Into the opposite corner, but Hurricane gets the elbow up - there's a Buff Blockbuster-like neckbreaker from the corner but both men are down. Jericho gets the tag and stops Hurricane from making HIS - suplex attempt flipped out, though, and Hurricane hits a neckbreaker, then makes the HOT TAG! Clothesline on Jericho, clothesline, into the ropes, one armed back body drop, big boot for Christian, one armed sidewalk slam for Jericho, climbs to the top and hits the landing first flying clothesline on Jericho - Christian put through the ropes - to Jericho with a right, right, right, right, stands on his neck - Patrick tries to assert himself, but Kane's not terribly interested; in fact, he starts manhandling the zebra, shoving him off - meanwhile, Christian has a tag team title belt and tries to leap off the top, but ends up caught in a choke - Jericho grabs the belt, and while Patrick works to take it from him, Christian kicks Kane squar in the nuts. Jericho with a missile dropkick - 1, 2, no! TWOOOOOO Double into the ropes, but Kane hits a double clothesline! Tag to Hurricane (why does JR keep calling him "Helms" anyway?), there's the rocket launcher on Jericho, hooks the leg but Christian makes the save at TWOOOOO. Kane dumps Christian to the outside and goes out after him - head to the STEEL steps. Kane dismantles the steps and gets ready to spike Christian...who JUST escapes in the nick of time. Up the ramp they go - meanwhile in the ring, it's Hurricane on Jericho - right, right, right, going for the Eye of the Hurricane, but Jericho slips away and shoves him into the ropes - back elbow when he comes back - Lionsault...MEETS THE KNEES! Hurricane has the choke...but Jericho elbow, elbows out. Walls of Jericho coming up - but Hurricane reverses to a cradle - but Jericho reverses back and puts his feet on the ropes - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (6:47) Kane is distraught that he was away from the ring when it happened. By the way, that's three times for Jericho and nine for Christian (Billy Gunn still leads with... ten, I think.)

Catch the WWE live! Tomorrow, Toronto! Saturday, Texarkana! Sunday is No Mercy in Little Rock! And next week is Jackson, with Tuesday in Memphis!

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago

Booker T and Goldust try to break up Jericho and Christian's celebration, but the officials - and eventually Bischoff - keep 'em separated. Bischoff has congratulations for them, but tells them that they have to defend Sunday against Booker T & Goldust. If Stephanie's gonna award HER tag team titles, he'll for damn sure have a tag team title match of his own at the pay-per-view. "The only thing I know is, one way or another, this sucka's ass belongs to me!" "I ain't got no sucka ass - and one thing's for sure, I ain't no sucker!" "You're not a sucker! You're a champion!" "The champion - and the King of the World! YEAAAAAAAAH" Best part of this bit is watching Jericho pour champagne on Christian early on...resulting in him trying to clear out his eyes for the rest of the segment

LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230 pounds - with William Regal...and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. AL SNOW (Lima, Ohio - 246 pounds)
Regal joins the commentators as we check out the action in the ring - to the corner, Snow right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Snow slides under but eats a back elbow - Storm adds an enzuigiri from behind. Over the top to the floor with a hot shot. Storm back in and climbing up - but Snow catches him from the top and powerslams him. Both men down so let's take a Subway Replay of Regal wearing his showgirl getup. Regal gets righteously indignant and leaves - and rightfully so, they only pull this kind of behaviour on ByTe ThiS! Back to the ring, right hand by Storm, head to the buckle, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, clothesline follows. Booker T vs. Big Show later, divas tag team match, Snow with the double underhook...and pauses for the crowd before giving him the seven headbutts. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, big back body drop, into the corner is reversed but Snow slides to stop, clotheslines Storm, outside to pop Regal one, climbs to the top and leaps off with a crossbody - but Storm rolls it over and grabs the tights - but, amazingly, only gets TWOOOOOOO. Snow gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog by Storm, Regal ankles Snow and both men are down. Well, Regal just passed the knux to Storm - Snow ducks the loaded right and back elbows him - the knux fall to the mat unused - right hand from Snow, whip, reversal, collision with Regal, Snow turns around and punches him AGAIN, then turns back to eat the superkick and Storm covers for the 1, 2, 3. (2.75 Storms) Oh yeah, Tough Enough III debuts Thursday

Backstage, Coach has Victoria - she'll get a shot at the women's title this Sunday. What's up with her and Trish Stratus? "You know, years ago, when Trish and I were fitness models, the WWE was interested in the both of us. And Trish acted like my friend...she told me how great it would be for us to be Divas together...but, Trish Stratus never let me get my chance. I languished - waiting for my opportunity - waiting for my big break. It's true...I'll do anything to get my chance - unlike Trish Stratus, who will do anyone." Here's Trish for a staredown. "What?" and she slaps her. Victoria pops back up - and smiles....

No Mercy ad - hi, Pete

Spike Dudley and Jeff Hardy talk about how great it is to be injured during matches - Rob van Dam joins them, and we learn that they've all been gathered in the same place for a meeting with Bischoff. Hardy: "Yeah, he's probably got another TLC match for us or something. By the way, how is Bubba?" Apparently, he's got a major concussion - Spike and Dreamer were with him in the hospital all night Monday and he doesn't even remember the match. Bischoff enters the frame displaying his audition for the House of Sarcastic Clapping People. "You three guys - I am SO proud of all three of you, really, I am. And by the way, thanks for meeting me here tonight, and...it's too bad Bubba couldn't be here but it's amazing, I can't believe all three of you guys didn't get knocked loopy in that match, it was unbelievable. And don't worry about Bubba; he'll be fine. Now, to show my appreciation to you three guys, I got a very special highlight - your own personal highlight reel. Check it out."

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Last Week's TLC match - better yet, let's go back and reread the RAW report

"Is that amazing or what? Now, Jeff...you've got a match coming up next with Rico, and if I were you, I'd be getting ready. Spike, I've got to talk to Rob here so why don't you do me a favour and take a walk....maybe you didn't hear me. I said do me a favour and take a hike, and tell your brother I said to get well soon." "BITE ME." Ooh irony! "Now Rob...your performance in that TLC match was scintillating! I mean, so much so that I've got a very special surprise for you this Sunday at No Mercy. It's gonna be the biggest night of your life - the biggest match in your career, you're going to step inside of the ring with the sixteen-time WOOOO World heavyweight champion, the Nature Boy Ric Flair. I mean, I figured you deserved the match after Flair took that sledgehammer and BAM right into your guts at Unforgiven. What do you think?" "Ric Flair, huh. Cool." "Yeah, right, cool. Now...for tonight, you know that Kane, one half of my RAW main event at No Mercy, he had to compete tonight. And to keep things fair, because Eric Bischoff is nothing less than a very fair man, I've got a very special match for you - coming live from Montreal, imagine this...a Canadian lumberjack match! That's right, twenty guys surrounding the ring, just picture this - with a leather strap, and inside that ring...RVD...one on one...with Triple H!" van Dam walks off. "Hahahaha - and they said I couldn't top TLC - hahahahaha!"

Tough Enough III - the casting special is THURSDAY

Triple H paces and Flair shakes his head. "A Canadian lumberjack match? What the hell is that?" "I don't know." "And, and he's gonna give these guys leather straps. Does Bischoff have *any* idea how many of those guys would LOVE to take a shot at the champ with a leather strap?" "He's startin' to really annoy me." "Man, I was supposed to have the night off." "Champ, you're preachin' to the choir. I kept my end of the bargain with Eric Bischoff, what does he do to repay me? He puts me in a match with RVD at No Mercy? What's he thinkin' about?" "I tell you what...you're not gonna have to worry about RVD at No Mercy. I'm gonna take care of Rob...tonight. I'll tell you something else, Ric. Bischoff wants to ruin our night? I'm gonna start ruinin' some people's nights around here, I'm gonna start with Kane. I'm gonna give Kane until the end of this next match to go out there and spill the beans in front of the whole world - and if that burnt up freak decides not to, then I'm gonna do it for him. I'll tell the whole world the truth about Katie Vick. Kane...is a murderer."

JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by "The Ring," Stacker 2 and Snickers!) v. RICO (Las Vegas, Nevada - 232 pounds - with Toronto event hype)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Rico makes quite a show of his matching leopard pattern shirt and pants - eventually putting the shirt over Hardy's face and wailing away - Hardy quickly turns it back, kick, right, right, right, right, running clothesline that takes them both over (and Hardy's foot ends up on Rico's face on the way down - ouch) - Hardy back in - and out - and I bet he runs the barricade for the clothesline, yes. Stomp. Back into the ring - arm wringer, "Rico sux" chant, hairpull by Rico takes him to the corner, knee, knee, into the opposite corner, Hardy up and over but Rico lands a spin kick - steps over into a back kick from the pumphandle - 1, 2, TWOOOOOO. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Gutshot, kick, shoulder in the gut, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder. Patton pulls him out of the corner - Hardy kick, kick, kick, Rico side kick, side kick, steps up to the second rope for the kick to the head, hooks the leg, TWOOOOOO. Snapmares him over, then applies a body scissors. Hardy with back elbows from both elbows to break it up, speaking in tongues double legdrop, out to the apron and guillotines Rico through the ropes. Up top - twisting moonsault connects but only gets TWOOOOOO. Hardy ducks the swing, but Rico lands a kick to the kidneys - dropkick off the ropes - TWOOOOO. Rico to the second rope - leaps but ends up eating a dropkick from Hardy - Hardy going up top for the swantonbomb - leg is hooked, 1, 2, 3. Hey, that was EXACTLY as long as the Storm match! How'd they do that? (3:07) Remember when RICO PINNED RIC FLAIR only four weeks ago.

Kane beats up random pieces of furniture. Hurricane tries to reassure him - Triple H is just trying to get in his head; they can get back the tag team titles anytime they want. "Right now, I don't give a damn about the tag team titles, you understand? I just want to be left...alone. Okay?" Hurricane begs off and takes off. Kane finally sits down. Here comes Terri. Kane says he doesn't want to be interviewed right now. "Kane, I'm not coming here as an interviewer right now; I'm here as your friend. I don't like seeing you like this, you know? You need to let whatever is bottled up inside of you out. Just get it out, get it off your chest, and I think you need to do it publicly. You just went out there and lost the world tag team titles, and there's no way you're gonna beat Hunter, Triple H, this Sunday for the world title - not in this frame of mind you're not - there's no way. I know you can do this. You have faced adversity, you've overcome adversity all your life. You need to tell the people your story." "Yeah....you're right. I need to do this. I need to do it now. Thanks." I think the best thing about this scene is how LIFELIKE it appears. And I don't just mean the way the players *look*, ha ha!

When we come back, KANE is in the ring. He sure loves to snap his elbowpad! Before we move on, let me just say that LAST week, I wanted to be sure I heard correctly, so I doublechecked and picked up "Katie *F*ick" from the WWE.com RAW report (it's still there, actually) - at the time, I remarked that maybe picking a word Carsten Schaefer, were he still employed to do commentary by WWE International (and maybe he is, I don't know - umm, I'm getting bogged down in tangetia again), couldn't use on the air...well, it just wasn't the best idea. Sure enough, THIS week everyone keeps saying "Vick." Like Kane, right here and right now: "Katie Vick was a friend o' mine, and Katie Vick is dead. But I didn't kill her. It was an accident, and I am NOT a murderer! See, Katie and I were friends about ten years ago, back when I first started wrestling; in fact, she came to my first match and she was probably the only one that cared when I was gettin' beat up. I cared about her, too. One night Katie and I, uh - we went to a party and Katie had too much to drink. So I decided that I should drive her home. I wasn't real familiar with a stick shift, but Katie insisted that we take her car, ah - it was dark...the road was slick 'cause it was raining and a animal jumped, jumped right out in front of us, and uh...I swerved...swerved to uh, to avoid it, and the car spun out of control and went off the road, and... I broke my arm, but Katie was, uh...Katie was killed instantly. But it was an accident!! But it's somethin' that I have to live with, and...something that I've thought about every day since. So, the only thing that I have left to say is what I said to Katie's parents. I'm sorry." TRIPLE H is out without entrance. "Oh, boo hoo, Kane. Boo hoo. You've got me all choked up with your touching story, Kane. But since you're out here baring your soul, why don't you tell the world the whole truth? Why don't you tell the world how, when the people from that party were questioned, they all said that you were drinking, too, Kane? Why don't you tell everybody how, when the police got to the accident scene, there were empty beer cans in the car and all around the crime scene. And more importantly, Kane, why don't you explain to the world how, when doctors did the autopsy on Katie Vick's body, the doctors found *your* semen? That's right, Kane...oh, Katie Vick was a whole lot more than just a 'friend' to you, wasn't she, Kane? The fact is you loved Katie Vick. You were *madly* in love with Katie Vick. The problem was, Katie Vick LIKED you - she didn't love you, Kane. Katie didn't share your 'special' feelings that you had. Come on, Kane, honestly, who can blame her? Look at you. Who could realistically love a burnt-up freak like you?" Tori? "Now, Kane...I know that you weren't charged with murder, I know you weren't even charged with manslaughter. But Kane, facts are facts." Crowd has grown weary and starts chanting (presumably "asshole" in Quebecois French). "And the fact is...Kane, the fact is that all this points to you. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. YOU - KILLED - KATIE - VICK. But Kane, the question I have is...on that night, did you...force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive....or did you just wait, and do it to her when she was dead?" Zoom in on both men...and fade out. Just in case you weren't getting the "soap opera" vibe yet. I know *I* was...'cause I HATE soap operas.

I GET INSTANT MESSAGES: CbsFan12: I'm telling you as a friend: Quit the RAW recap. Tonight. Sometime before :55 minutes in. You really won't regret it at all. AT ALL.

You know, I'm starting to think he doesn't want to guest host for me anymore...

I GET LETTERS: And if that weren't enough, MORE east coast tomfoolery from Dark Cheetah: After tonight's latest installment of the "Kane is a murderer" angle, I wouldn't blame you if you stopped recapping in disgust. I can't believe they actually think this shit is *entertaining*.

Never before have so many so close to me expressed such concern that I was ready to go off the deep end. This has to be a sign of....SOMETHING. Right?

By the way, it sure seems like they've gone to great lengths to kiss off any female portion of the audience they'd managed to keep all this time. That's probably the exact opposite of what they were *going* for, but then....well, nothing new here, right?

One final point - does ANY of this make you want to drop the $34.95 on No Mercy?

Moments Ago, seven paragraphs ago - come on, even SOAPS don't feel like they have to replay the pre-commercial zinger coming out of the break

Kane leaves. Hurricane urges him not to go - not like this. "If I stay here, if I stay here, I will do something that I'll regret for the rest of my life. Okay?" And there he goes...

Special Guest Referee: STACY KEIBLER (with wwe.com's "2002 Maxim Babe of the Year" hype)
MOLLY HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - with RAW credits and transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC) and VICTORIA (Los Angeles, California - with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks - and No Mercy Graphic: Trish vs. Victoria for the Women's title!) v. JACQUELINE (Dallas, Texas) and TRISH STRATUS (Women's champion - Toronto, Ontario)
Since this is my last chance this year, I should probably mention that the Oakland A's Baseball Network loves to use Molly's current theme as bumper music - I'm sure that's probably made Wade's "Obscure Wrestling References," but just in case it hasn't, I'm nothing if not thorough in mentioning stuff like this (after a few months, anyway). Trish goes right for Victoria and Stacy is ineffectual in getting any kind of break - Jackie put in a corner - Victoria with a big right hand before going to her corner so Molly can ram Trish's head into the buckle a few times - into the opposite corner, reversal, elbow up by Molly - climbs to the second rope, but that just puts her in perfect position for the handstand 'rana. "At least with Stacy in, the fans in Montreal won't be screaming 'You screwed Bret' every ten seconds." Lawler: "She did?!" Trish runs to the corner to five a free forearm to Victoria. Back to Molly for a swinging neckbreaker - and a tag to Jackie. Running hairpull takedown. Holly comes back with a knee - Jackie flips out of the suplex and applies the side headlock - Victoria comes in and Jackie stops her with a gutshot - leaps up for a head scissors - there's a sawhorse double takeover by Jacqueline (!) - tag to Trish for a double clothesline - forearm to Victoria, forearm for Molly, forearm Victoria, forearm, forearm, kick, kick, Molly from behind with a hairpull. Stomp. Victoria back in her corner. Northern lights suplex by Molly gets TWOOOOOOO. Molly rams her facefirst to the mat - and once more. Molly with a face rake clutch. Scoop...and a slam. Tag to Victoria - over the top rope with a somersault legdrop for TWOOOOOOO. Another cover, another TWOOOOOOO. Fireman's carry...and swung around for a backbreaker. Tag to Molly. Hard into the corner, tumbling run but nobody's home when the elbow lands. Tag to Jacqueline - right, right, spin kick for Victoria as she comes in, Molly into the ropes, sidewalk slam, 1, 2, Victoria saves TWOOOOO Trish runs for Victoria, but she dumps her over the top with Stratus landing on her feet, ankling Victoria and pulling her outside. In the corner, Jackie chops, whip into the opposite corner is revesred, Jackie up and over, BIG spin kick, 1, 2, ohhh Stacy's arm hurts. She must have caught that from Nick Patrick! Jacqueline takes some offense, but before she can do something about it, Holly rolls her up from behind - before Stacy can make the predictable fast count, Jackie kicks her off into a - well, not really a "collision" although I'm sure that was supposed to be the idea - Stacy dutifully pretends there was contact and walks out of the ring to the outside (I'm exaggerating - but not by much). Meanwhile, Jacquline DDT's Holly but there's no ref. Crowd counts to three - now "BLIND" CHAD PATTON is out - 1, 2, 3! Whoa. (3:55) Victoria in for the sneak attack - thrust kick takes out Jacqueline, Trish barrels her over and they roll out of the ring. Patton has no luck pulling them apart, but probably has fun trying. "BLIND" CHARLES ROBINSON joins the fray and they finally manage the pull apart...but it doesn't last as Victoria breaks free and lunges for her again. Unfortunately, in an indication that the WWE really has two minds that aren't better than one, we're subjected simultaneously to JR trying to get across the hatred that these two women have for each other AND Lawler trying to get across how the zebras are just trying to cop a cheap feel. "He touched her butt, JR."

Backstage, Patrick doles out straps from the big box o' straps to Spike, Dreamer, Booker T & Goldust. Booker tries his out - "BOOYA! That's what I'm talkin' about - I'm fixin' to go out here and whup some flesh off that pompous ass Triple H, fo' shizzy, let's do this, dawg..."

TONIGHT: Rob van Dam vs. Triple H - Candian lumberjack match

No Mercy ad - Triple H/Kane hyped

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell the Braille version of Playboy?

Batista teaser - "A new threat - renewed fears - ravenous hunger - thrill of the hunt - you've been warned - RAW" It's kind of a funny thing, but all the commentary snippets they lift from JR and the King for this piece *have* to be from them talking about someone else....because Batista's never actually APPEARED on this show. "He is an amazing, amazing athlete - look at the power and strength of this monster." "Look at this! This is gonna be very interesting, JR." "Here comes the monster." "Uh oh - this is not gonna be pretty." Uh oh - this is not gonna be pretty." Okay, it's only interesting TO ME. And maybe the girl (or guy) who had to put this clip together, that's two.

Back in the ring, it's our old friend THE WIFESWAPPER. "I just want to say that regardless of whatever frame of mind Kane may be in, he WILL be competing at No Mercy, one on one, against Triple H. Intercontinental title versus the World title - winner takes all. And that winner take all match is going to go down in history, because it will be the last time the intercontinental title is ever going to be represented." Crowd boos! "So with that in mind, I (Eric Bischoff) would like to introduce WWE's very first intercontinental champion, Montreal's own, your own, PAT PATTERSON!" Fabulous Moolah's music plays and here comes the Quebec Dream. Patterson goes for the cheap Canadian pop by speaking Francais. When he starts to direct his comments to Bischoff, he's stopped. "Excuse me, Mr. Patterson? But this is an English-speaking show, so if you don't mind....(boos)...if you don't mind, if you have something to say, would you please say it in a language the world can understand?" "What I was about to tell you, Mr. Bischoff, is that I don't really trust you. So therefore, if you have any plans to play any game tonight, I will change my mind--" "No no no, Pat, Pat - Mr. Patterson, please. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you. I mean, since I've gotten here to RAW, you're one of the guys that I've really been able to learn a lot about, and this is nothing about a three minute warning or anything like that." Did he just say.... "This is about history - your history - and the important part that you've played in WC - WEW's intercontinental history. So with that in mind, please - take a look at this video - a tribute to you and all the intercontinental champions here in WWE."

Here's a Special Video Look at "the legacy" - looks like they got all the early ones except Greg Valentine (wonder who HE pissed off) and Mr. Perfect - oh, and the guys who are dead (Rick Rude and Texas Tornado), 'cause of course they don't want to remind you of dead guys...wait, unless they're Owen Hart. Man, I'm really confused. They highlight Owen's K-Driller on Austin, his forfeiture of the belt to The Rock, and throwing the belt into the lake. They show Chyna winning the belt from Jeff Jarret - for which Jarrett will probably be thrilled - but also show Angle winning the belt as part of "the controversy." Okay, moving to the list of champions from 1991 on who are missing - we have includes The Mountie, Marty Janetty, Dean Douglas (ooh), Goldust, Ahmed Johnson, Marc Mero (natch), Ken Shamrock, Val Venis, Road Dogg, Godfather, D-Lo Brown (although we DO get a clip of him getting backdropped onto Stone Cold's truck - does that count?), Chris Benoit, Rikishi, Billy Gunn, Jeff Hardy, Albert, Lance Storm, Christian, Test, and William Regal. I've spent WAY too long analyzing this, although I've got plenty of witty comments I'll save for later.

"Ladies and gentlemen, WWE's own - MONTREAL'S own, Mr. Pat Patterson." Sure enough, THE NEW GOOD OLD JR make their appearance at this point - Patterson gamely gets in some licks before the numbers take over - Samoan Drop by Jamal and yikes, Patterson sure took it hard, landing RIGHT on his left shoulder - that won't help their reps any, I imagine. "Whoa, guys, hold up, hold up. Hey Pat - just like the intercontinental title, your three minutes are just about up!" Bischoff laughs it up while they stomp away - here comes GERALD BRISCO to try to help out, landing some lefts before falling to a double headbutt. Set up in the corner for a big butt splash from Jamal. And now Jamal hits a top rope splash on Patterson - and you just *know* they're beating up MEN this week so that TSN would actually AIR it. Man, does Rosey do anything for this team? WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and he's got his strap - major strapation on Rosey & Jamal! Jamal ends up outside, where D-LO BROWN joins us with his *own* strap. As Rosey goes up the ramp, JEFF HARDY runs out to get HIS retribution.

"Coming soon: WWE Anthology" - they use Bret Hart's music here...interesting choice, yuk yuk

The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by "The Ring" - from last month, Nowinski and Dreamer have some fun in a classroom. Before you die, you see another ad for "The Ring"

Here's a look at the slums of Montreal!

Nowinski checks his jaw in a mirror - Al Snow walks up and catches him in the circle game again. Fun reminiscing time. "Good times, gooood times. But seriously, I just wanted to come up and tell you how proud I am of the fact that you never gave up on your dream and that you finally made it." Handshake. "Yeah, I did...no thanks to you. Oh, by the way - nice loss tonight."

CHRISTOPER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, Massachusetts - 260 pounds) v. TOMMY DREAMER (Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds)
referee: Robinson
We are told that Dreamer is in the middle of his honeymoon but came out to work anyway. I'll take six months in the "when will we see Beulah in the WWE" pool. Dreamer runs at him - lockup, knee by Nowinski, forearm in the back, again, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up but Dreamer catches it - legwhip variant by Dreamer, onsale crawl, drop toehold, torques the jaw but Nowinski lands the elbow. Off the ropes, backslide countered into a neckbreaker by Dreamer for TWOOOOO. Dreamer eats a kick - ducks - to the corner, reversed, shoulder by Nowinski, shoulder, shoulder, hard whip into the opposite corner sends Dreamer down. Robinson cheerfully ignored, but it's enough time for Dreamer to catch Nowinski in a spinebuster for TWOOOOOOO. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes, big back body drop, swinging neckbreaker, again Dreamer gets TWOOO. Into the ropes is reversed, head down by Nowinski, looks like Dreamer wants a piledriver so we know it'll be reversed, and sure enough, Nowinski escapes - Dreamer clutches his back and Nowinski catches Dreamer in a spinebuster. Nowinski has an idea - goes outside and finds a kendo stick - sorry, "Singapore cane" underneath the ring - back up to the apron and it looks like Nowinski caught sight of something but the camera doesn't show us - Dreamer over and bringing him in the hard way - aha, AL SNOW has emerged, that's what it is. Dreamer sets up Nowinski - who BOTH commentators have mistakenly called "Harvard" a few times this match - sat on the top, pulled back Tree of Woe style, then Dreamer climbs up and stands on his nuts for a spell. Dreamer points to the cane...but Snow grabs it from the floor and manages to pull it away from him. Dreamer is a little confused - and in perfect position for Uncle Slam from Nowinski. 1, 2, 3! (2:43) Snow is stoic. Nowinski gives him a stare...and Snow backs up, kendo stick still in hand.

TERRI is backstage with Triple H. How can he justify his accusations? Triple H says he doesn't have to justify it - the police reports back up the facts, he's just sharing them. Terri questions the convenience of him having these facts at his disposal this close to his match with Kane at No Mercy. H again says he didn't dig it up; it was dropped in his lap and he's just passing along that Kane is a murderer. He tells Terri she needs to be careful with a guy like Kane - "I mean, he has a, uh penchant for hurting those that get close to him. You know, Terri....Kane...Kane's a murderer. And at No Mercy, I'm gonna take care of Kane. Kane might be able to take the life of a sweet girl like Katie Vick, but he will never be able to take my title." He leaves, we fade out - oops, he's back! I guess he forgot something. "And another thing. My Canadian lumberjack match tonight with RVD - let me just say this, that I always overcome the odds, don't I, Terri? Always. So tonight, I'm gonna overcome the odds and I'm gonna beat RVD just like I'm gonna beat Kane at No Mercy. Because the fact is, Terri, I am The Game...and to quote a friend of mine, whether you like it or you don't like it, I am That Damn Good." We fade out before he decides to come back again...

Here's another Special Video Look at Randy Orton - chicks dig him. Bob Orton, Sr. says he's a cross between George Clooney and Lou Thesz. Bob Orton, Jr.: "I just told him to wear protection." Surreal.

Up to LARRY KING on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has asked to address you tonight - he is certainly a WWE blue-chipper - he has met with some misfortune recently - please welcome RANDY ORTON." Orton has his arm in a sling. "Randy, you've asked for this time to speak your piece, so the floor is yours, young man." "Well, that's right, JR, I actually - I have some horrible news. Randy Orton tore his shoulder last week. Now, the doctors tell me that a normal person with this injury - they'd be out nine to twelve months. But the fact of the matter is, with my drive, with my athleticism, with my commitment to all of these people, I will be back in a mere three to four months!" Orton pauses to acknowledge the nonexistent pop. "Now, JR, three to four months is a long time to be away from something that you love. But you know what helps stop that pain? The fact that I know that these people can email me and wish me a speedy recovery. Can we get that email address up, please?" Crowd starts singing the chorus to "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." You can tell they're really into this! "That's GetWellRandy@WWE.com! And I promise - thank you, thank you, please, thank you, I promise to write back and respond to everybody who emails me back. Now you know what, JR, you know what I find funny? The fact that Montreal is known for the place where Bret Hart got screwed." Crowd perks up. "And I was thinkin' about it for a second, and I think Montreal should be known as the place where Randy Orton got screwed! I mean, I had to come out here today and make this announcement about how my career has been put on hold. But, JR, the difference is...unlike Bret Hart, Randy Orton *will* be back. Thank you, thank you." If any of you actually email him, I'd be interested in getting a copy of your reply - we can see how many form letters they're using if we get a big enough sample...that is, if anybody cares at all about this. (Do you?)

Booker T is WALKING! Big Show is WALKING! It is a split-screen of WALKING! WALKING! WALKING!

This week on "Confidential," Saliva will ...well, there'll be a video of Saliva retooling Chris Jericho's entrance music. I think. Just tune in if you need to know already, I ain't got TIME FOR YA

No Mercy - Hi, Pete #2

More WWE live events - Tomorrow, Toronto - Saturday, Texarkana - Sunday is No Mercy in Little Rock, and Monday is RAW in Nashville!

Canadian Lumberjackery is still to come! Also, Saliva's "Always" video will debut this Sunday on Heat!

BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds - with RAW in Nashville hype) with falls counting anywhere
referee: Patrick
It's official: these guys have now passed Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Meng as the two guys who have met the most times on Monday wrestling programs. Show runs at T to start, T ducks, right, chop, elbow, elbow, elbow, right, elbow, elbow, Show with a knee. Hard into the corner. Hard into the opposite corner. Boot up by T - T kicks at the thigh - kick, kick, kick, kick, right, chop, whip is reversed and Show pulls T over the top to the outside. Show out after him - running (well, lumbering) clothesline. Scooped up - and dropped across the barricade - cover on the floor - 1, 2, no. Shoved into another side of the barricade. Show gets a running start - but T ducks and dumps him over and inot the crowd! T onto the barricade - coming down hard with the forearm! Forearm in the back - now they're walking around - Show with an elbow - clothesline puts him over another barrier and into a tunnel - looks like they're headed behind the curtain - but first, a cover - 1, 2, no. NOW we go behind the curtain...

...where the camera picks up Show, T and Patrick emerging. Show with a spool of...something. T tries to right back, right, right, right, kick by Show, hard into a noisy metal wall. In the background, we see Flair leading a forklift driven by Triple H. T again goes into the metal. And one more time. THUMP. "Big Teezy - you want some o' me?" T stood up against the wall pieface style. Big boot tried - but T's out of the way. T with the fire extinguisher spray - and to the back. Cover - 1, 2, TWOOOOOO. Head to a case, kick, kick, gets a running start for the axe kick (!) - cover - 1, 2, TWOOOOOO. Show with a gutshot - head to another ambo case - T with an elbow, elbow, tries to run him into a table, but Show elbows HIM, and now they're into the Women's Locker Room. Camera catches a glimpse of somebody in the hall with a chair but doesn't linger on the shot so I can't tell who it is (hell, with this lack of light, it almost looks like Austin! But that's probably just my fevered pipe dream view) - through the locker room, women in towels, T with a nuts kick, forearm - into the shower where there's another woman in a towel. Kick, right, kick, forearm in the back - woman is identified as Trish - cover - 1, 2, no. From behind, Chris Jericho emerges with a WHACK chairshot - he commands Show cover, and he does. 1, 2, 3. (5:23) Christian and Jericho ask who the sucker is now, and Jericho adds a "How YOU doin'" to Stratus on his way out.

Back to the forklift as Flair directs it against a door. Coach catches up and starts "wait a second"ing before H tells "Sherlock Holmes" that half of the lumberjacks won't be making it to the match. "Got a problem with that...stooge?" He piefaces Coach to the floor - HE won't be notifying any authorities anytime soon!

NEXT: Canadian lumberjacks are okay - they sleep all night and they work all day

No Mercy ad - Hell in the Cell: Lesnar/Taker hyped

Booker T shills chicken 'n' ribs - and buttery mashed potatoes. Come to papa

CSI is coming up at 11:05! Hey, they're covering up this Tough Enough III ad like it's more like part of the RAW Zone and less like an ad

Lumberjacks are out - no red flannel and I am sad. We've got Jericho, Christian, Regal, Rico, Nowinski, Storm, Rosey and Jamal...hmm, eight out of twenty? 40% isn't a passing grade, even in Canada...

TRIPLE H (World champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Ric Flair - and Subway presents No Mercy THIS SUNDAY!) v. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) in a nontitle, Canadian lumberjack match
While I wasn't looking, Big Show joined the lumberjacks, so we're up to nine. van Dam hits the ring, ducks, off the ropes with the viscera kick and here we go - clothesline, clothesline, kick, right, right, into the opposite corner, tumbling run into the monkey flip out, kick, forearm, climbs up for the Ten Punch Count Along. Backflips off of him (!), off the ropes, but H manages to put him *through* the ropes, and the lumberjacks swarm on him with some serious strap-ation. Finally, he's thrown back in for Triple H - right hand. Right. "RVD" chant. Right, van Dam fires back, H, van Dam, van Dam, van Dam, gutshot by H, tosses him outside again and again the lumberjacks get busy with the cowhide. van Dam put back in the ring - cover - 1, 2, TWOOOOO. Mount, H right, right, right, right, right right right right right. Closeup of van Dam's back where the marks are already starting to appear. H pulls him up - here's a death suplex, but van Dam flips out and lands on his feet - catches the kick, steps over and hits the heel kick. van Dam clotheslines H over and outside - and the lumberjacks quickly surround H and show their loving, tender concern for our world champion. So van Dam climbs to the top and leaps onto the whole damn pile. Forearm for Christian, for Regal, kick for Christian, H put back in the ring, van Damn held back by Rico trying to join him - van Dam swipes at Rico until H connects with a baseball slide dropkick. The other lumberjacks are up - Show runs van Dam into the STEEL steps, and strap shots are snuck in here and there. Show presses van Dam over the top rope into the ring - H covers - 1, 2, TWOOOO - H covers again for TWOOOO, and once more for TWOOOOOO. H measures the elbow and drops it on the small of the back. There's another one. One more old school elbowdrop to the back. "RVD" chant can't be stopped (unless he tries for a fall again). Triple H with a shoulder to the gut in the corner, shoulder, turned round for a shoulder in the small of the back, shoulder, shoulder. Hmm, don't quote me, but he *may* be focusing on the small of the back. Hooks him up - and there's a textbook suplex. van Dam clutches his back. OMG TRIPLE H POINTS TO HIMSELF that's pretty cool, admit it. Brought up for a backbreaker - leg is hooked, TWOOOOOOO. You know, you can put any graphic you want on the screen but this show NEVER ends at 11:05. van Dam sat up on the top turnbuckle - van Dam tries some shots to the side, but H comes back with a right, right, climbs up, van Dam right, right, right, H back down, H right, right, climbs up again, "You Screwed Bret" chant, there's the SUPERPLEX! and I bet that STILL isn't enough to keep van Dam down for longer than TWOOOOOO. van Dam right, right, right, H knee. Abdominal stretch coming up - H walks him just a bit closer to the ropes...presumably so he can grab the top rope and apply leverage, but - oh, I'm wrong, actually he grabs Jamal's hand instead. Needless to say, Law & Order man Hebner spots it (eventually) and utilises the big scary Righteously Indignant Kick to break it up. H and Hebner have some words and the "You Screwed Bret" chant starts up again. van Dam lands on his feet to evade the suplex attempt - there's a rollup - 1, 2, H kicks him off TWOOOOOO. "Big Show sux" is the new chant. Kick caught, van Dam steps over and the heel kick is ducked, but not the followup mule kick! H in the corner, van Dam shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip, ducks the swing as H comes out, springs off the second rope with a kick - off the ropes, tumbling run into Rolling Thunder - 1, 2, TWOOOOOOOOOO! Ross actually notes that van Dam is the only man to pin Triple H (in a tag match) since he was awarded the world championship. Stomp by van Dam, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, elbow, into the ropes, reversed into a gutshot by H, van Dam catches the kick and tries to step over once again, but H grabs a waistlock - van Dam back elbow - off the ropes, gutshot by H, Pedigree attempt - van Dam back body drop out! Elbow by van Dam, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam back to back over him, spinning dropkick! van Dam wants to finish this...sprints to the top...but Jericho crotches him! Jericho directs some traffic and once again the lumberjacks descend - but BOOKER TIO is out, and HE is ready to do a little traffic directing...as out come the rest of the lumberjacks - GOLDUST, D-LO BROWN, HURRICANE, JEFF HARDY, SPIKE DUDLEY, TOMMY DREAMER, JOHNNY STAMBOLI, and if I missed any I'm sorry. It's a Pier Seventeen Brawl on the outside - meanwhile, van Dam again makes the climb to the top - OH MY GOD HE PISSED HIS PANTS - leaps off with the kick...springs up again and hits the Fivestar! Hebner's still on the outside (as if one man could break all that up), but van Dam isn't covering anyway...he's leaning against the ropes, in perfect position to get CLOCKED by Flair with the title belt. Flair alerts Hebner to the ring, and in he goes - 1, 2, 3! (10:38) But now KANE is out, plowing through the brawls on the ramp, knocking down friend AND enemy - and hitting the ring - right for H, right for Flair, for H, for Flair, goozle on H...Flair off the ropes but HE is caught in a choke - but Flair manages the uppernut. Nowinski hits the ring and forearms Kane from behind, and Flair and H quickly make a break for it. Nowinski takes the chokeslam. Brown in - Kane clothesline HIM down, then puts him in the choke - big boot for Rico, chokeslam for Brown, chokeslam for Rico, Jamal in and knocks him down - Rosey joins him and the doubleteam is on - H and Flair start to make their way back to the ring as Rosey gets whipped into Kane. Kane whipped out, but manages to knock down Jamal with a big boot - right for Rosey - chokeslam for Jamal, chokeslam for Rosey! H and Flair, frustrated, go back up the ramp. Kane hits his four corners pyro. Play his music! H raises his belt, but he looks scared. Ross promises Triple H will burn in hell on Sunday. RAW Zone credits up...and so am I! CSI is NEXT!

[slash] wrestling

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications