I GET LETTERS: Bill Dearth writes: CRZ,

I've come to the conclusion that even if Armageddon (not the PPV) were to come upon us, we could all still expect the Raw Report from you. My question is, How in the HELL can you still do this? Things aren't looking to get much better either with the ELIMINATION CHAMBER shit coming. You're a better and more dedicated man than me, that's for sure.

Damn, ain't it ALWAYS the case that I get some kinda IRONY email just before I close up shop?

QUICK QUOTE: WWE 7.70 (+ .55, last year: 10.95, two years ago: 15 3/16, three years ago: 25)

TONIGHT: Trish meets Jacqueline and Molly in a triple threat for the Women's Championship! Also, here's a look at the trunk of the car holding Triple H very obviously opening before Kane drove away - something that, like, *everybody* saw EXCEPT me - but it being so hard to miss now, we sure hope it's completely intentional *and* explained on RAW...which by the way is coming up in twelve short minutes!

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - WW (what! No Bischoff photo? INTERESTING)

We come up live to a funeral dirge...and a casket at ringside. Oh boy...

Opening Credits - let's get it up! Forget the lies, the money, we're in this together and through it all, they said that nothing's forever. Never before has it seemed so true: the light at the end of the tunnel has grown so bright and I'm so near the end, I can't even SEE the tunnel anymore. Change is in the air and it can't be avoided - at least for me, and soon enough for you. Yet even after all this time and all that's happened, there are *still* those people - you know the ones. Yeah, they REFUSE to SEE the CHANGE in ME - damn it all, this is the LAST time I'm gonna say this: WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP

NORO (too bad, I wanted to say BYERO!) - instead the music hits and TRIPLE H immediately kicks it off with a slow walk (in suit!) to ringside. THIS is Monday Night RAW #492, coming to you LIVE from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI 28.10.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on The New TNN (and possibly TSN) H positions a chair in the centre before he begins: "I've got a special guest gonna come out here later - but before we come to that, I'd like to give a little personal message to Kane. Kane, this is just advice, but next time you try to accost somebody by sticking them into the trunk of a car, you should try to make sure that the trunk does not have one of those child safety latches on the roof - I mean, you can just pull it and jump OUT of the trunk before the person even drives off. Just a bit of advice. Now, a lotta people were *offended* by the tape that aired last week. A lotta people thought it was absolutely disgusting. Hell, some people even went to the lengths to say that they would NEVER watch this show again. Now, I have to agree with them: the things that Kane did in that funeral parlor to that poor girl's dead body were absolutely disgusting, and quite frankly sick. But really, the only person's opinion on this that matters, we've not heard from yet. It's not me, it's not Kane, it sure as hell isn't any of you. It's Katie Vick. So I've asked Katie Vick to be here tonight. And I'm gonna get her opinion, because quite frankly (2), if this whole thing doesn't bother Katie Vick, then really: who are we to judge? You know what I'm saying? So, without further ado...(leaves the ring)...I would like to introduce my special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to put your hands together and give a warm welcome to a cold body: Katie Vick. Gentlemen..." The security on either side of the coffin open the lid, revealing the cheerleader's-uniform-clad-mannequin of last week's tape. "Katie...it's good to see ya, I mean...rough trip? Well, ya..ya look dead tired. (pause for yuks) Lemme help ya outta there. Good God, Katie. You're dead heavy." Lawler: "I can see her panties!" "You're like dead weight! (placed on the apron) Katie...close your legs! For God's sakes - hey! Easy with the hands there - get in the ring." And he (literally) rolls her in. Crowds sides are SPLITTING. H back in the ring, and restores her modesty. "No WONDER Kane liked you so much." H seats her on his knee. "Well Katie, it's - it's nice to finally meet you after all this time. (Voice similar to "Soap's" Chuck Campbell) 'Well it's nice to meet you to, Triple H. And let me tell you something, good God are you sexy!' Katie....well, you're right, you're right, I am. Now Katie, I've gotta know, everybody here wants to know the burning question. Did you find that tape offensive last week? 'Well, you know, I did really find it offensive, and actually it was - it was quite painful for me.' Painful? What, what do you mean, Katie, explain to me why it was painful. 'Well, you see it turns out that Kane had a...well, Kane had a...a burnt little wiener.' A burnt little wiener? What the hell does that mean? Ohhh...ohh, I...you know what, I forgot. I remember now. That's right. Kane's chestnuts were roasting on an open fire a long time ago, weren't they, Katie? You know, and...apparently, Kane's little wiener is - is just like his attempts to take the world title from me - he just always seems to come up...(finger together) a little bit short. Oop- easy. You drunk? Now Katie, a lot of these people here were seriously offended last week. And I've got news for you: if you were seriously offended, I seriously don't give a damn. If you didn't like it, you can kiss my ass. I will do what I wanna do, when I wanna do it, and nobody - I mean NO--" Lights finally go out and out bounds EL HURACAN. OH MY GOD GIVE HIM THE TITLE SHOT AT SURVIVOR SERIES "Triple H! You seem to be in a pretty good mood! But last Monday night, when RAW went off the air and Kane had you stuffed in the trunk of that car, you were not laughing - oh no not at all! And now, you're all smiles, you're all chuckles, you're all giggles - what's up with that?" "Let me tell you what's up with that, you little comic book freak...nothing is up with that, nothing happened to me last week. I got out of the trunk of the car, I pulled the little safety latch, the trunk popped open, I jumped out and got away." "Is that so - is that so so so - well then explain to the Hurricane, the Hurrifans and the Kane-enites - explain the footage that I acquired from a local hospital later that night of YOU, Triple H, in the operating room. Roll the footage!"

We see a gurney and a guy with an insanely large Triple H face (a "rarr" face) strapped to his head so you can't see the real head. There's a curtain in place to prevent us from seeing anything except shadows, but it appears a proctological procedure may be taking place. The nurses and doctors implore "Triple H" to loosen up...and they remove a sledgehammer from his rectum. H slams down his mic, causing a giant amount of feedback...he quickly fixed that. The doctor then removes a series of silk handkerchiefs a la a magician. Next up (new Triple H "grr" face) is Mae Young's baby (hand)...a dead squirrel...(H's face goes "ahh") The doctors bring in a hammer and crowbar to remove an automatic gear shift...up next is a steering wheel. Ross: "Is this a hospital or Brisco Brothers?" Wow, this just keeps going. "It's not too big - just let it go..." And...finally, they remove...Triple H's head. From his ass. GET IT? The face on "Triple H" now smiles.

We come back to see Triple H...unhappy. So he takes it out on...the mannequin, kicking it to the mat, stomp, taking the chair to it...and throwing it outside. The wig comes off - eww, it was a MALE mannequin all along! What does THAT say about Triple H? H swings the mannequin into the STEEL steps until the pyro hits and KANE walks out. Takedown, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, SECURITY pulls him off..until he throws them all off (They probably shouldn't attack black ninja style) and now Triple H barrels down Kane. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, THE WIFESWAPPER is out, summoning the phalanx of REFS & OFFICIALS (Terry Taylor! Welcome back!) to try to get these two separated. Finally, THE B TEAM joins the fray and finally gets it done. (Justin Credible! Thanks for coming out tonight! Mark Jindrak! Good to see ya, buddy!) Bischoff: "All right, that's it! That is it! That's the end of this! All right, since you two obviously haven't put an end to your issue and you are determined to beat the hell outta yourselves, then you're gonna do it here tonight, in this ring...and you're gonna do it in a casket match!" Kane digs it (SICK freak) but Triple H is now *really* unhappy. Mercifully, let's move to our first ad break

Catch the following live events, paid for by SmackDown! Tomorrow, Grand Rapids! Saturday, Wilkes-Barre! Sunday, Bethlehem and Monday, Bangor!

With a RAW style logo in the corner saying "F-VIEW," we take a voyeuristic look in on Trish Stratus, who is talking to her mom about being in the Walls of Jericho while stripping. Darn, she moves out of camera range when she's buck nekkid and comes back into view when her towel is on! Say, how come the timecode on the screen moves at 30 frames a second, yet the actual picture keeps dropping out as if it were some bad QuickTime? Oh, who cares

LANCE STORM & WILLIAM REGAL (470 pounds) v. ROB VAN DAM & TOMMY DREAMER (487 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to 2 Months Ago)
Here's a public service announcement from Regal: "People are scared to walk the streets in this country for fear of their lives. But you people will send out your own children trick or treating this week. Happy Halloween." Hey, remember the hardcore title? Hey, remember the 80's? BAAAAAAAAA It'll be Storm and van Dam - gobehind by Storm, standing switch, to the ropes for the break, back elbow by Storm is SNEAKY! Forearm, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Storm kicks - van Dam ducks a roundhouse kick and hits one of his own - 1, no. Tag to Regal - van Dam brings him in the hard way, right, shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip, Regal swings and misses - van Dam with a crossbody for 2 - Storm in without a tag, van Dam ducks, catches the kick - and Storm catches the stepover heel kick to the face. Regal from behind with a half nelson suplex (!) and gets 2. Xbox replay of the stepover heel kick that looked like it landed a little stiff on Storm's nose (owch), meanwhile Regal pulls van Dam to his corner - tag to Storm - open kick. Storm right, into the ropes, back elbow. Cover, leg is hooked, 2. Storm keys the lock on a chicken wing/chinlock combo - sure enough, Storm's nose is busted. van Dam back to his feet on the strength of the Dreamer-led "RVD" chant. Elbow by van Dam, elbow, Storm puts him in the corner but he springs up for a dropkick. Tag to Regal...who pulls him away from the tag. But van Dam manages a enzuimuli, then tags Dreamer! Right for you, right for you, right for you, Storm into the ropes, big back body drop, spinebuster for Regal, 1, 2, shoulder up. Regal reverse the whip but Dreamer ducks - gutshot, wants the DDT but Storm comes in; Dreamer evades THAT and clotheslines Storm down. van Dam in with a top rope flying kick for Regal, double clothesline on Storm - van Dam to the top rope and diving to the floor but MISSING Storm - meanwhile, Regal grabs his British flag...this brings Robinson outside to totally miss Storm clocking Dreamer with his CANADA flag - Regal back in, cover, 1, 2, 3. Oh. (3:13) van Dam back in but they hightail it...

In Bischoff's office, Bischoff says to Rosey, Jamal and Rico, "I don't want excuses, I want action. All right? Why do you think I made the casket match tonight? 'cause I wanna have impact. And I've got more impact to make. Tonight, I've got a major announcement regarding Cyber - Cy - Survivor Series - and the elimination chamber match. All right? I want no screwups, I want everything to run smoothly, not like last week...when the Three Minute Warning couldn't even get the job done with Big Show." Rico: "Yeah, but Eric--" "Shhh - no. Save it. Save it. You guys made me look bad - and I don't like looking bad. Do you know what I'm gonna have to live with? Do you know what I'm going to have to listen to if Big Show beats Brock Lesnar for SmackDown!'s WWE Championship at Survivor Series? Do you know what I'm gonna have to live with? I'm gonna look like the biggest fool in the business!" "Yeah, but Eric--" "SHUT THE HELL UP - that's exactly what I'm talking about. Disrespect! I'm TIRED of being disrespected! Two weeks ago, Spike Dudley...looks ME in the eyes and says 'bite me?' --the hell is that? This is MY show - you - you - you - you work for me. Do not forget everything I've done for you, do not forget the fact that I've made you stars - and you - don't you forget the big money deal, the fat money deal that you got to LEAVE SmackDown! and come to RAW. Now GO out there - MAKE some impact - or your three minutes are up."

"WWE Divas Undressed" magazine ad - strange, it looks like divas from BOTH shows are in the...never mind

Take a look at Times Square...and The World

Let Us Take You Back to Saturday when Survivor Series tix went on sale at Madison Square Garden..."only a limited number of tickets are still available!"

Stacy shows off her ass on her way to a meeting with Test. "Hi!" "Stace - this stuff is really lame." "Okay, forget about it. I've got it." "...what." "Okay, this is the BEST idea I've ever had. Okay. You know how the Rock has his People - and Kane has his Kane-enites. And Hulk Hogan has the Hulkamaniacs. Whadda YOU have?" "Gee, I dunno, Stace, what DO I have?" Stacy - hey lookit that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera, man - yeah we could have some fun - I mean, bends over and whispers something to him. Everyone knows what she said, but let's play it out anyway.... "What?" "Yeah - you have TESTICLES!" Test groans - and so does the audience. Yep. "You have GOT to be kidding me." "No! As your marketing person, when I get done with you, your *testicles* are going to be huge."

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (challengers - Dudleyville - 460 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday) v. CHRIS JERICHO & ...
Well, before Jericho's intro even starts, THE NEW GOOD OL' JR & RICO hit the ring from the crowd and go to work "making an impact" on the New Dudley Boyz. Down goes Bubba Ray - and a big return to the "internal injuries" of Spike, as he's dropped right on his taped ribs. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton seems helpless to put a stop to any of this. The impression I'm given is the tag team match will STILL take place after this ad break, so go ahead and hit their music to take us out!

Batista vignette

Let Us Take You Back Two Paragraphs - you know, Jericho never comes out - did he know about the attack? Spin heel kick by Rico on Bubba - double wheelbarrow suplex on Spike by Rosey & Jamal - hey do you have as much trouble telling them apart as I do? Use this handy tip: JAMAL is the one wearing the jersey with "JAMAL" written on the back in masking tape block letters - I know, sometimes the subtleties that I pick out over the course of a broadcast is *downright amazing*

Hmm, coming back live, the ring is cleared...instead of the tag title match, we move to

GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds - with RAW in Boston hype) v. TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds - with Stacy Keibler)
referee: JACK DOAN
Test has THE STICK - perhaps that's a poor choice of words. "I just wanna say hi to all my....to all my...I just wanna say hi to ALL MY TESTICLES!" Goldust gets some big time yuks outta this. Test takes umbrage - Goldust ducks, right, into the ropes, atomic drop, clothesline. 'dust to the top rope...but Test shoves Doan into the ropes to crotch him. Test goes to work - back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow. Pulls him out of the corner - block, right by 'dust, right, into the ropes, reversed into a knee by Test, pumphandle...'dust escapes, into the ropes, buttbutt! Clothesline. Commentators are spending an awfully large amount of time talking about Scott Steiner instead of this match. Whip into the corner is reversed, boot up by Goldy, bulldog out - that used to be his move! Leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. That USED to be his move. Head to the buckle, now setting up for Shattered Dreams, right, right, ready to get the running start...Stacy into the ring - slap is BLOCKED...and Goldy applies the Greco-Roman liplock. Now SHE is placed in Shattered Dreams position in the corner opposite Test...one more right hand to keep Test stunned - Goldust polls the crowd on who should get it...Stacy wins, but Doan blocks his path. Meantime, Test frees himself, Wotsitolla Boot blocked, clothesline by Goldust...looking for the Curtain Call...spends FOREVER in position so Stacy can hit an uppernut. There IS Wotsitolla Boot (thanks one last time, Kevin Kelly - best thing I ever stole) and there's the 1, 2, 3. (2:30) Happy embracing people - you know, Test probably needs to get some warnings from Los Fabulosos about what happens when you entrust your career when Stacy Keibler...hey, here's a replay.

Is it just me or did they cut to Bischoff's office a bit too early? Either that or Bischoff missed the cue - finally he starts "Hey hey hey hey hey--" Finally we see Bubba Ray holding his head and complaining: "You kidding me? Are you kidding me? Why did you send Rosey and Jamal out there to jump me and Spike? (I guess he missed Rico - pesky concussions!) You know DAMN well that we got a world tag team title match tonight. WHY?" "Settle down, relax - I didn't send those guys out there to jump you - hey hey - who said anything about you not having a title shot?" "What am I supposed to do? Spike can't be my partner - he can't even walk up the RAMP by himself!" "Find another partner! I don't care - it doesn't matter to me?" "....any partner I want?" "Knock yourself-- oh, I'm sorry - getting over a concussion, I'm sorry. Yeah, anybody you want, it doesn't matter. Now if you don't mind, I've got a little business I need to take care of, if you'll excuse me." Off goes Dudley - grin goes Bischoff.

WWE Anthology ad (Lita) - hey, they now have a website!

HOLLA IF YOU HEAR ME - yes, friends, it's never too early for a Scott Steiner vignette - "Comin' at ya soon"

Your hosts are a pair of kings - JERRY & LARRY. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when Shawn Michaels *shocked the world* - in mid-sentence, however, we get an "RNN BREAKING NEWS" graphic interrupting things. And it's... "Hi. Randy Orton here to talk about the controversy that surrounded last week's RAW. And that being last week, there was no mention of me - Randy Orton! So I wanted to take this time to reassure everyone out there that I am all right and I will be doing these updates from time to time to let all you fans out there know how my road to recovery is going. And the only reason I didn't appear on RAW last week is because I'm working so hard on my rehab so that I can get back and do what I love to do most: perform for you fans. But I can't do it alone - that's why I need each and every one of you (especially the ladies out there) to keep sending your get well wishes to getwellrandy@wwe.com, because with your support, I know I will be back in no time." Ross: "Isn't that special." Geez, I thought Ross thought he was a BLUE CHIPPER. Did he already turn on the kid?

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Kane to stooge off that tonight's casket match is nontitle. "Well, Coach - this isn't really about the title anyway - this is about sealing Triple H in an airtight casket! You see, what happened to Katie Vick was an accident...but what I do to Triple H tonight - that won't be." Big grin and off he goes...

TONIGHT: Triple H vs. Kane in a casket match!

Chris Jericho and Christian - are - WALKING! But who - WHO will Bubba Ray's partner be? Come on back now!

Boy, there sure seem to be a lot of ads in this first hour...does this mean a nice long match coming up? Or...more ads? (Or BOTH?)

Heyyyy it's the WWE Boot of the Week, take it to the streets and break it down Lugz style. From last week, Jericho puts Trish Stratus in the Walls of Jericho.. Oh man, I hope Bubba didn't pick TRISH as his partner - doesn't she have a title defense tonight on her own??

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO & CHRISTIAN (champions - 451 pounds - with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (challenger - Dudleyville - 310 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back 3 Weeks) and JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds)
Ross goes ahead and lists off house shows for BOTH brands without bothering to note which is which...or explain what he's doing telling us about SmackDown! house shows in the first place. Bubba Ray got a concussion in the TLC match - here's where we think it took place. Dudley picks...Jeff Hardy? WHY? Oh well. Hardy will start for his team...he faces Christian. Lockup, no, kick by Christian, right, right, right...into the ropes, Hardy ducks, slides under, waits for Christian to come in, double leg takedown, speaking in tongues double legdrop. Tag to Dudley - crowd already wants furniture of some sort. Dudley right, right, hard into the corner, open-handed slap, right, another slap, right, into the opposite corner, gets a running start on the avalanche, left, left, left, flip flop and elbow, apron clothesline for Jericho, blocks Christian's punch, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Christian tugs on Patrick's zebra shirt, keeping his back to Jericho ankling Dudley - clever! Elbowdrop by Christian, right, tag, stomp, Jericho stomp, Christian stomp, Jericho stomp, stomp. Measures the neckbreaker. Off the ropes for a baseball slide dropkick. Choke on the second rope, right to the back of the head, right, right, off the ropes with a Boss Man straddle and you know...I think he's targeting the back of the head for some reason. Tag to Christian, forearm in the back, double into the ropes, double back body drop - Christian hooks the leg but just gets 2 as Patrick was out of position. Dudley tries to come back with two rights, but Christian lands the knee. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, Christian kicks - off the ropes and Dudley catches him in a flapjack - both men are down! HOT TAG TO HARDY - ducks Christian's swing, free shot for Jericho, right for Christian, right, Christian bounces into a shot from the outside from Dudley, Hardy goes for the sitout jawbreaker but instead Christian connects with a kneelift before he can sit out. One more knee - going for the Unprettier but Hardy pulls on the hair in an Edge-omatic-alike - bends him backwards - double legdrop on the legs and holds it for 2 - kickout. Into the ropes by Christian, Hardy tries a crossbody but Christian ducks - and Patrick ends up eating it (ohhh). Cue the shenanigans - Christian from behind with a forearm when Hardy checks on Patrick - Hardy thrown out - Dudley in to clothesline Christian but that just brings in Jericho with a missle dropkick. Jericho calls for chairs and Christian provides. Jericho stomps on Dudley while Christian comes back in - they want a Con-chair-to - Dudley ducks JUST in time - off the ropes with a double clothesline! Hardy back in - Dudley on all fours for Poetry in Motion on Christian (GOOD OL' JR: "Whisper in the Wind by Jeff Hardy!") Christian rolls out. Jericho in - double leg by Dudley, into a WOW Catapult OVER the top rope onto Christian. Here comes Hardy - Dudley on all fours and Hardy gets the running start for a boost over the top onto the pile! Unfortunately, at this point THE NEW GOOD OL' JR are out - Dudley with a shot on Rosey, Hardy with a barricade run clothesline on Jamal - Patrick outside to try to keep these guys from causing a disqualification - DUDLEY GOING UP TOP - DUDLEY DIVES ONTO ROSEY, JAMAL AND JERICHO OHHHH MY GOD - JACK DOAN is out to try to get Jamal & Rosey backstage...and we TAKE AN AD BREAK?!?

Just over three minutes later and it appears that order has been restored in the meantime - it's Jericho with the abdominal stretch on Hardy - and Hardy managing a hiptoss out. Xbox Replay shows During the Break footage of Christian lowering the bridge on Hardy in what we're told was the tide-turner towards the champs. Real-time box shows Hardy with a right, right, right, right, off the ropes, grabs a leg for a rollup for 2. Jericho pops up with a double leg...and tries to step over into the Walls of Jericho - Hardy manages an inside cradle for 2 instead. Jericho drops the elbow and goads Dudley into the ring - then claps the air as Christian comes in - stomp. Backbreaker across the knee - hi, Bret Hart! 1, 2, Dudley saves. Christian clamps on the front facelock. Hardy wants to get to his corner and tag to Bubba Ray Dudley - but can't get much closer. Now he IS closer - and there! - but Jericho is busy occupying Patrick's attention and the ref misses the tag. Now putting his all into getting Dudley back in his corner, Patrick unfortunately misses a doubleteam going on behind his back on Jeff Hardy. Just Jericho when he turns back - head to the buckle - right hand, right, right is blocked, Hardy right, right, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed - boots up by Hardy - Jericho ducks the swing and hits a neckbreaker takedown - 1, 2, Dudley saves again. Jericho gives Dudley a free shot just for grins. Stomp on Hardy, in the corner, rips Hardy's shirt and chops him. Hand in the face, ANOTHER big chop. "King of the World!" Hardy put in the opposite corner, but he flies off with the Whisper in the Wind! Both men are down and Bubba leads the crowd in some rhythmic clappin. Jericho has an ankle...but that just means it's enzuimuli time - misses but oh well - HOT TAG TO DUDLEY! He's in - clothesline for Jericho - clothesline - into the ropes, Samoan Drop - Christian in, HE gets a back body drop. Wants the Bubbabomb on Jericho but he whips his head backwards into Bubba's face - three times with the reverse headbutt breaks the full nelson - right hand - off the ropes, but into a sidewalk slam by Dudley! 1, 2, Christian saves! Doubleteam on Dudley - into the ropes, blind tag by Hardy, two heads down, Dudley kicks Jericho, clotheslines Christian, scoop slam on Jericho, "What Are You Doing?" on Jericho but with the double legdrop instead of a headbutt. "Jeff! Get the tables!" Now wait a gosh darn minute, tables are illegal! Patrick stops Hardy but while they discuss the heartbreaking loss by the San Francisco Giants in Game 7, Dudley DOES collect a table...but ends up putting it in perfect position for Christian to hit the Anaheim Angel slide into the table into his face. Christian holding Hardy with a full nelson - but he's out and there's a collision! Hardy with a schoolboy on Jericho - 1, 2, NOO!!! Jericho up with a kick, chop, into the opposite corner but Hardy stairsteps up and AGAIN hits the corkscrew moonsault - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Christian in and he's got a tag team title belt - Hardy ducks - Dudley in with a spear on Christian! Jericho manages a neckbreaker on Hardy, and before Dudley can get to Jericho...THE NEW GOOD OL' JR & RICO appear on the stage with SPIKE DUDLEY in hand - dangling him upside down. Of course, Bubba leaves the ring to go save his half-brother. Back in the ring, Jericho and Hardy slow to get up - gutshot by Hardy - Twist of Fate-alike hangman's neckbreaker! Hardy going up top to try to finish it - Christian tries to climb after him but Hardy kicks him away to the floor - just enough time for Jericho to pop him, though - Hardy punches back - shoves Jericho to the mat - SWANTONBOMB! Can he make the cover? Leg is hooked - 1, 2, CHRISTIAN PULLS PATRICK OUT! Hardy with a dropkick through the ropes...but turns back to take a big belt shot from Jericho. Lionsault should make things academic - Patrick back in the ring and counting - 1, 2, 3. Champs retain. (15:44)

Backstage, Coach has Triple H. His reaction to Kane's comments? "Let me tell ya something, Coach - this is the thing. I don't usually admit stuff like this, but I gotta tell ya - quite frankly, I'm - I'm *scared* o' Kane tonight. I mean, let's face it - last time Kane was in a coffin, he got highly aroused and forced himself on Katie Vick's dead body. Now, what I'm hoping is when we get out there tonight, Kane doesn't get any...'special' feelings towards me when we get near that coffin, you know what I mean? Come on, let's face it - last week, Kane told me he wanted to SCREW me in the trunk of a car. I mean, I ask you - now, I got a message for Kane - Kane, let me tell you this: I am not your type, okay? I am interested in purely KICKING your ass and nothing else. Got me? So you just keep your little burnt up banana in its hammock and you and I will get along just fine." Coach turns attention to Michaels' comments. "Yeah, my reaction to that. Shawn Michaels - did you see the sledgehammer shots I hit him with? Two of 'em - 'dya see 'em? There is no way on earth that Shawn Michaels is gonna convince me that he is 100% after that. No way. Shawn Michaels is exactly what he's always been, and that is a lotta hot air. I'm not buyin' this Shawn Michaels thing for one second, got it? Gotta go, this interview's over."

We cut to "F-VIEW" where H answers his cel. It's Naitch. He's stuck at the airport - bad weather. "Dammit, Ric, just pay the guy a few extra bucks and tell him to take off!" I'm sure Flair mentions that with Senator Wellstone dead, pilots ain't going for THAT this week. H mentions his match tonight, then asks him to hurry up and get here.

And now, the WWE Overdrive of the Night, brought to you by Greyhound! From last week, Nowinski aims for Dreamer...but hits Snow

EARLIER TONIGHT, Snow interrupted Nowinski's chess game with some guy named Rick. "You know, all through Tough Enough 1, I stood up for you. I stayed loyal to you. In spite of everybody coming up to me and going 'you know, Chris is such a jerk...' I still stayed loyal to you because you were one o' my kids. Then I show up-- (Nowinski checks his watch) up on RAW - I'm proud of the fact that you're here - that you made it - I'm not gonna lie, but I'm not proud of your behaviour. BUT I still stand beside you, I still stay loyal to you 'cause you're one of my kids, because *I* know that you had jaw surgery. So I still try to protect you. In spite of yourself, but your behaviour shows me that I made the right decision on who won Tough Enough 1, and that was Maven - NOT you. Your behaviour also proves a point to me and that is you're not a jerk - you're a pompous, arrogant ASS." Nowinski mouths "Wow." "Al - it's not like I haven't appreciated the effort...but I'd be a success here if Tough Enough existed or not. The fact that I AM is a testament to me - and it has *nothing* to do with YOU. ... I don't think you believe me, so how 'bout I prove it to you!" "Please!" "How 'bout this - I guarantee that I can beat anybody in the WWE tonight." "Really, anbody." "Anybody you name. The only caveat is I want you ringside to witness it personally. Got that...Dad?"

Take a look at Hockeytown's Joe Louis Arena...

...and another look at the WWE's casket

Here comes THE WIFESWAPPER to tap his heart and show off the pearly whites. "I LOVE you people, but in case you haven't heard, Big Poppa Pump - Scott Steiner - is coming to WWE! And if Eric Bischoff has anything to say about it, he'll be coming to Monday Night RAW. And when he gets here, he's gonna be surrounded by some incredible talent, you see when I traded SmackDown! - made that nice little trade with Stephanie, she got Big Show, well, I got a very interesting assortment of talent, and they're ALL going to be coming to Monday Night RAW very, very...soon. And do you know why, because Eric Bischoff's RAW is definitely the place to be. Hell, we're LIVE, man - we're flyin' without a net! Which is EXACTLY the way I like it. And also because the most innovative ideas in the history of this business happen right here on Monday Night RAW. For example, you may have noticed those hidden cameras recording people when they least expect it? You'r probably wondering to yourself right now: who's behind that? Who would do such a thing? Hey...there's no mysteries here, Eric Bischoff is behind it! But I do have to say if there's any talent out there that's got a problem with it...well...that's why I like to call it 'F-View' TV. Hey - and F-View TV, that's not the only innovation exclusive to RAW, oh no, you see at Survivor Series, I will debut the Elimination Chamber. And I know you're, you're probably asking yourself right now, you're probably sayin' 'what's he got up his sleeve? What is Eric Bischoff up to?' Well I'm gonna tell you...NEXT week. But for now, suffice it to say that it's going to involve SIX Monday Night RAW superstars. Uh huh. Oh yeah, and it's gonna have...elements of Survivor Series - Royal Rumble - and my all-time personal favourite...Wargames. Oh, yes. And it will also be for the World Heavyweight title! And you're probably asking yourself right now, 'who would Eric Bischoff put in such a historic matchup?' Well, obviously Triple H - Chris Jericho - Booker T - Rob van Dam - Kane - and Shawn Michaels. Now Shawn, I know you're probably sitting at home right now, you're, you're asking yourself 'how am I ever gonna get my hands on Triple H? How am I ever gonna get my payback?' Well I'm gonna tell you how, SHAWN - on my terms, not on yours - none o' this sneaking around surprise attack crap - uh uh, all you have to do is show up in the Elimination Chamber, see I want to give you a shot at Triple H AND the world title, all in one night. And I know this is an important decision on your part, so I'm gonna give you exactly one week to get back to me. Now, for the rest of you guys..." At this point, BOOKER TIO comes out to interrupt. MAN does Bischoff's hand ALWAYS shake like that OR WHAT? (Well, I HAVE noticed this before....) Neat signs in crowd - five "5 TIME" signs side by side. T takes the mic. "So lemme get this straight, right. You got me (Booker T) in this Elmination Chamber match for a shot at the world title?" "That's exactly--" "You damn skippy...hippie! See but don't think I don't appreciate being in this match - but um, why don't you show why RAW is REALLY so great. When you shut yo' trap and head straight to the back, 'cause the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion is on the attack, Jack!" Bischoff scowls...but does go ahead and leave the ring. "Nowinski! Talkin's over, boy, so why'on't you get yo' punkass, Harvard ass out here so I can kick it Motor City style...now can u dig THAT, suckaaaaaaa!" Play his music! Looks like he has second thoughts - he asks for the mic back...but we've already left him...

SmackDown! Halloween Party ad - what? On RAW? THAT'S CONFUSING

Presumably, T did a whole lot of talking during the break...when we return, AL SNOW has made his entrance and parks at ringside...

BOOKER T (already in the ring - Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, Massachusetts - 260 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Nowinski hits the ring - T right, Nowinski right, T, Nowinski, T, T, T, into the ropes, back elbow by T, chop, right, into the ropes, but he hooks them, goes outside and shoves Snow - T grabs him by the hair and pulls him to the apron, then brings him back inside the hard way, cue the onsale crawl, clothesline, clothesline, hooks the leg, 2. T still in command - arm wringer to an armbar - Nowinski takes him to the corner, knee, shoulder, shoulder, into the opposite corner, but T gets up the elbow. Nowinski manages a hot shot - three point stance into the atomic drop - 1, 2, T kicks out. Nowinski goes to the shortcut with punches - then flashes a dazzling smile to Snow. T into the ropes, BIG powerslam, 1, 2, T has the shoulder up. Snapmares him over - Nowinski grabs the headlock. T back to his feet - elbow breaks it up, elbow, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Nowinski - off the ropes but into a spinebuster. T slow to follow up - but blocks the punch, right, block, right, chop, right, chop, into the ropes, spin kick, right, into the ropes, Nowinski ducks but T connects with the flying jalapeno - Harlem side kick - 1, 2, NO! Nowinski rakes the face - T into the ropes, T ducks, another spin kick. T consults his hand but Nowinski takes advantage to roll out - but instead of catching his breath, he takes ANOTHER shot at Snow. Snow seems unhappy by the right hand, goes into the ring and starts wailing on Nowinski - Patton has no choice but to call for the bell. (DQ 3:06) Nowinski announced as the winner - T clocks Snow, then goes back to work on Nowinski - into the ropes, back body drop, gutshot, off the ropes with the axe kick...clotheslines Nowinski out of the ring. Play his music because it's time to BREAKDANCE!

Hey, let's take another loving look at that casket

Trish Stratus shows us her rack, puts on a shiny jacket (to avoid catching a chest cold, no doubt) and starts WALKING!

Tough Enough III ad - aka "the Lisa show," apparently - hmmm

Booker T shills Hungry Man chicken 'n' ribs - well, at least it wasn't gizzards 'n' chitlins

It's the WWE live! Friday, Springfield! Saturday, Halifax! Sunday, MONCTON MONCTON MONCTON I LOOOOOOOVE SAYING MONCTON! And RAW is Boston.

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (champion - Toronto, Ontario - with RAW is brought to you by Sony Pictures' "Half Past Dead," Xbox, and Lugz!) v. JACQUELINE (challenger - Dallas, Texas) v. MOLLY HOLLY (challenger - Mobile, Alabama) in a triple threat match
referee: Robinson
Trish, doing her part to singlehandedly revive bell bottoms - hey, winks at Lilian - you KNOW they're DOIN' IT - man, Molly just seems THRILLED to be alive. Feeling out process - now Stratus with an Austin press on Jacqueline, slugging away until Molly puts a boot in Trish's back - stomp, stomp - Jackie up with a forearm in the back, doubleteam on Molly - into the ropes, two heads down, Molly kicks Stratus but Jacqueline clotheslines Molly down - Jackie with an Oklahoma Roll on Stratus - 1, 2, kickout. Right hand, Trish right, Jackie, Trish, Trish, Trish, Jackie ducks the kick and sweeps the leg for 2. Half crab applied...Molly decides to grab the free leg and we have a DOUBLE HALF DECAFFINATED HALF CAF - commentators wonder who gets the belt if she taps - but we're spared that conundrum when Jackie decides to elbow Molly - Molly fires back - right by Jackie, Molly, Jackie, Jackie, backstage Victoria is watching - she has a "special announcement" on Heat, be sure and watch it - into the ropes is reversed by Molly, tumbling run elbow - Jackie sat on top, Molly climbs after but Trish pulls her to the centre. Now Stratus wants the handstand Frankensteiner, but Jackie blocks - tornado DDT out! 1, 2, Holly saves! Wants the snap suplex but Jackie reverses to a small package for 2. Gutshot, backslide for 2. Holly with a drop toehold into the ropes, dropkick, backbreaker across the knee, gutshot for Trish, forearm in the back, forearm, Trish reverses to a gutshot, grabs the headlock, manages Stratusfaction on Holly while ALSO grabbing Jackie on the way down! Hooks Holly's leg - 1, 2, 3! Champ retains, also has giant hooters. (2:33) NICE PANTS

Oh look, the casket hasn't moved

UP NEXT: Triple H vs. Kane - Casket Match

Longer "WWE Anthology" ad - "86 songs - 38 unreleased tracks - over three hours of music on three CDs - WWE Anthology - available Tuesday, November 12th - EVERYWHERE"

Speaking of music, Saliva's "Always" is THE official Survivor Series theme. This here graphic says so! Also, CSI is coming up at (ha) 11:05PM after RAW

TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight Champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Xbox brings you Survivor Series in just under three weeks!) v. KANE (Parts Unknown - 326 pounds) in a nontitle, casket match
referees: Patton & EARL HEBNER
Well, the casket's been pushed up against the ring, which can only mean that Ric Flair has found a way to climb up from underneath it and be waiting inside...HERE WE GO - Kane with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Kane ducks, Kane clothesline. Clothesline. Clothesline. Right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp. Two handfuls of hair - and hard back into the corner once again. One more trip into the turnbuckle. And hey, how about one more. H walks into the scoop...and a the slam. Kane signals to the refs to open the lid, then starts rolling H - he starts punching back on the apron - right, right, right, right, to his feet - right - Kane with a big boot and H falls in the casket...quickly gets out with the bejeezus scared out of him - Kane brings him into the ring the hard way. But now Triple H puts a thumb in the eye. Whip...is reversed - Kane with a powerslam. Kane still in control - into the opposite corner - no, pulled back to the first corner - H goes over the top and to the floor. Kane's outside after him and the lo-speed chase is on...but H grabs the belt and konks Kane right in the head. H tries to catch his breath - finally grabbing Kane and ramming him right into the STEEL steps. This is the last time I'm using all these cliches, how's THAT for trivia? Kane rolled back into the ring...and H follows. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right (that's ten). H to his feet - he's developed a limp along the way. Back to Kane for a right. Kane fires back with a right. H right, Kane right, H right, Kane right, H, Kane, H, Kane, Kane, Kane, into the ropes, reversed, H catches him with a spinebuster. GOOD OL' JR keeps calling Kane "Undertaker" - and who can blame him? ZOMBIE SITUP! Maybe there's something TO that. H right, right, right, right, I hope he uses the right! Whip is reversed, but the head is down so H lands the facebuster. Gutshot, DDT. H signals to the officials to raise the lid - Kane dragged, Kane rolled, Kane with a right hand just in time, right, right, right, stands on the apron - right hand. Kane getting set to climb - I bet his feet hit the mat before - ohhh nice try smartass, H punches him to crotch him on the ropes instead. H with the right YES! Right hand - climbs up after him - wants the superplex here - AND GETS IT!! H to his knees - signalling to the zebras one more time - again he rolls Kane (he should try to hit a move that puts Kane closer to the casket!) - Kane rolled in but not in perfect position as his feet are dangling over the edge. Here's a view from the "casketcam." H moves into position to move Kane - but ends up in the goozle! Kane to his feet - H right, right, right, right, Kane back to his knees in the casket. H back into the ring - Kane back after him - Kane ducks - choke - H with three back elbows to avoid the chokeslam. Gutshot by H - Pedigree attempt coming up...but Kane backdrops out of it! Scoop....signalling to the refs - but H goes down the back - then climbs on Kane with a sleeper! Kane fades fast - down to a knee - down to two knees - no, back up - and turning into a death suplex! (Rest in peace, Tony Nash, I know you never wanted that tribute but thanks for not haunting me.) ZOMBIE SITUP! H with a right - NO SALE. Right, nope. H seems unhappy. Right hand, Kane hulks up! Right, right, right, right, right, Kane points to his chin (!), right, KANE with a right, right, right - of course H goes down each time. Into the ropes, big boot! You'd think the crowd would be louder here...H into the corner, Kane follows with a clothesline, into the opposite corner, sidewalk slam out. Kane climbs out - now to the top - THIS time his feet will hit before the clothesline connects - hey, that was pretty good for a Kane "flying" clothesline, actually. Thanks, pal. International sign of the chokeslam...got the choke...but H kicks him in the burnt up wiener (I guess it wasn't that small after all if he could find it). H outside, and back in bringing a chair with him. WHACK! H poses to the crowd, and they let him have it. But wait - ZOMBIE SITUP!! H with a SECOND chair to the cranium - cameras hide Kane getting his hands up pretty well - too bad Ross dropped the dime. Casket open - but it's *not* Flair, it's MR. WHYSPYR hiding inside - Michaels in the ring - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Michaels ducks, flying jalapeno! Michaels nips up! Michaels doing a wiggly jiggly dance - and now warming up the band...there's Sweet Chin Music! Michaels gets punchy for the crowd - ZOMBIE SITUP and Michaels decides to head outside and show off his Jesus Christ T-shirt for the crowd. Kane up - H down - with the CHOKESLAM. Rolled into the casket...and Kane shuts the lid on Triple H, at least for tonight. (11:16) Kane sets the turnbuckles alight, then quickly heads out and upstage as JR is quick to mention he "got the assist from Shawn Michaels." All three of these men comprise half of the Elimination Chamber match - how will THAT go down at Survivor Series? Kill Kane's music, it's time to play "Sexy Boy" because SHAWN NEEDS TO POSE! Michaels over to the casket - time to do a little surfing. RAW Zone credits are up...

This is gonna do it for me, guys. Those of you who have been reading me for any amount of time probably already know that I've been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with Kim for a few years, and just about every six months I take a flight to New York as part of that. THIS time, I'm flying out Thursday...and I only bought a one-way ticket. We'll BOTH be coming back to Silicon Valley, in a moving truck, and I figure that if we can manage to survive through a cross-country drive, marriage can't help but be a snap. You didn't think I was going to all that trouble to move to a bigger apartment just for the hell of it, did you? What? ...you didn't care? Touche.

Anyway, I have been planning to go back into retirement for about two months now, and keeping it secret hasn't been all that hard - I just didn't tell anybody. Originally, I was going to just take three weeks off and come back, but then I realised that I really wasn't going to have all that much interest in continuing once I came back. Believe it or not, I actually arrived at this decision BEFORE all the stinky television, which is just as well... people keep telling me I am more entertaining when dealing with a crappy product, but that's not really as much fun for me, and it's not really how I wanted to go out. (It's up to you how well I succeeded on THAT point.)

The slashwrestling.com website will stay up as long as XO lets me keep the server running (ie as long as I have a job), so fear not, "Confidential" producers - the archived reports aren't going anywhere and you can still use web searches to do your research because you lack your own thorough source of data. (Wink wink.) We just passed 5000 pages last week, which works out nicely - a nice round number to go out on if we never update again. As for the message board...I'm leaving that one to my brother. Bother him. PLEASE bother him.

Never say never, of course. I MIGHT end up coming back with some form of commentary - I'd been threatening to do audio commentary for almost a year - but I'm pretty sure that when it come to THIS gig, I've written my last recap. I went back and checked - I'm somewhere shy of 750 reports, somewhere north of 4.2 million words, and I don't know how many thousands of emails received, but all in all it's not a bad thing to point to when people ask what you've done with your life. Actually, check that: it's a TERRIBLE thing to point to! Good God, what the HELL was I THINKING?!

I'm not going to beg for presents as I slip out the door, but I *will* make one request. If you like music, if you have been searching high and low for the one old album you can't find anywhere else, I want you to do me a favour and bookmark kzim.gemm.com - the Global Electronic Music Marketplace is the best place on earth to find the rarest, most obscure records, singles, tapes and CDs, and I want you to buy YOURSELF something that you've always wanted for years but couldn't find, or something you grew up with that's long out of print, or...or something hip and popular, whatever. If you use kzim.gemm.com, YOU'LL get the music and I'LL get a few pennies commission. I'm selling a few things there myself but I don't expect you to find them. One of the things I plan on doing with my "new" free time is to list a whole lot more music for sale.

There are so many people I'd like to publicly thank but I hope they all know who they are, because the only names I'm going to drop are the men who dragged me out of retirement in the first place back in 1998 - MiCasa, wherever you are, you and I will have to do a simultaneous "Where is he now?" interview for the WrestleManiacs 5th Anniversary as I'm sure I'll be well faded into obscurity by then.

And to Rick Scaia, what can I say. It's been a long, strange one. Congratulations on the OO 1st Anniversary and I hope you stick it out until you're tired of it and not one second longer. Keep the faith, my friend. Everybody out there bookmark onlineonslaught.com - okay, TWO requests - and keep coming back!

To all of you who have ever clicked on a recap for whatever reason - hopefully to experience the wit and insight of the author, as opposed to you hate his guts and wanted to find some fodder to hop on a message board and immediately register outrage, or golly, even if you just happened to miss the show and wanted to find out what the heck was on, whether it be a day later or five years later - I most humbly thank you for the click, for the time, and I hope at least once, I wrote something that nobody one else on this earth "got" - except for you and me. Because even the *chance* to make that kind of a connection is worth more than all the money in the world, and it's always been the primary reason that I've been writing.

Rest assured, however, that the next time you read something I write, it'll be for PLATINUM. THANKS!

...and I am outta here!

[slash] wrestling

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