QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "The thoughts, ideas, comments and opinions of Mr. CRZ are not necessarily those of WrestleLine, it's employees, friends, family or anyone living or dead." - Editor's Note, Last Week.

Yeah, NOBODY *EVER* agrees with me. Uh huh. What happens when you take the "n" out of WrestleLine, Perry White?

Unfortunately, my telco (whose name rhymes with "Specific Hell" - where I've been the past week) saw fit to DESTROY my home 'Net connection. I have been stuck in a black hole as far as the 'Net is concerned, and it's probably just as well - the last thing I should do is talk about my "situation" when I actually haven't made any progress in deciding how to go about it! I *have* managed to read most of my email, but I've been pretty bad about responding, and I apologise to all of you. My provider SWEARS I'll be reconnected really soon now, but I'm not holding my breath. Hopefully Tuesday - who knows? In the mean time, you have this to read and that'll hold ya, right? Please?

I *did* find it amusing that of the two gay guys who wrote me and told me they were gay, NEITHER had a problem with the "offensive" sentence excised by my fine upstanding cens--I mean EDITORS, in last week's RAW report. See, where *I* come from, you're SUPPOSED to call them "queer" if you're gonna use a word at all. Anyway, I bring this up because both of them told me almost exactly the same thing word for word - I should NEVER imply that gay guys would find Prince Albert's hairy ass attractive. (Or in the words of one of them, "YOU keep Albert - I'M sticking with HBK!") So anyway, that's that. No more speaking on behalf of the alternative lifestylers out there. At least this week.

I would wonder aloud that MAYBE WrestleLine gets more letters by taking out a sentence here and a naughty word there and getting complaints from the people who want CRZ "uncensored" than leaving them in and getting complaints from the people who have a problem with the sentence or naughty word.

And I would ALSO wonder aloud if anyone is reading me who didn't read me before on WrestleManiacs. 'Cause, you know, I'm supposed to have this whole NEW audience and stuff. God forbid I QUESTION that publicly, right? Ha ha. So if I'm new to you, I invite you to email me and prove that this is the place I should stay!

TONIGHT: We're live in the home of Ric Flair (only we've conveniently forgotten who that is since he's currently the president of the other company)! Tonight X-Pac tries to regroup as he shoots for the Intercontinental title! There are new owners of the World Wrestling Federation and they intend to party like it's 1999! And you can bet that Stone Cold Steve Austin will be around!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Still shots from last night's King of the Ring Pay-per-view telecast (complete with TV-14-DLV ratings box) show the ladder spot that EVERYBODY saw coming a mile away, but was still cool, Shane going through the Spanish announce table, Austin FAILING to go through the English announce table, Austin failing to grab the briefcase when it mysteriously rose, Shane upending his father AND Austin on the ladder and grabbing the briefcase, and Austin preparing for his life to once again become, like writing for WrestleLine ... a living hell.

Opening Credits - RAW IS WAR'S A DARK PURPLE DYE! (from a suggestion by Betty Goldfond - or whoever was using Betty's account at the time)

FIREWORKS mean WE ARE LIVE from the Charlotte Colesium in Charlotte, NC 28.6.99 for WWF RAW IS WAR on TSN and the USA Network! WWF fever - catch it! EVERYBODY brings a sign. Sign in crowd: "WCW SUCKS AND MASTER P. SWALLOWS" - oh yeah, baby. RAW is closed captioned and en espanol donde sea disponible (con Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich!), thanks for asking.

Here's the CORPORATE MINISTRY come to open up tonight's interview 'n' talkfest as balloons and "gold dust" fall from the ceiling. The McMahons are back in full swagger mode as Shane brandishes the briefcase. "Yes, tonight is a night of celebration!" says Vincent K. "Tonight we celebrate the good times! Tonight the McMahons celebrate the sheer and total dejection of Stone Cold Steve Austin! Yes! Tonight - tonight will be a night, I promise you - no, wait a minute, I GUARANTEE you, you will never, EVER forget tonight! Why do the McMahons celebrate the dejection of Stone Cold Steve Austin, it's real simple. Because just last night, Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon kicked Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass. Which of course means, that once again the McMahons have COMPLETE control over the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, Shane I believe you have an official announcement." "It is my official duty, and privlige, mind you to FIRE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'S ASS as CEO!" "So then, many of you asking, the few Austin fans that are here, 'what becomes of Stone Cold?' Well, it's real simple. You see, Stone Cold now, goes right back where he started, right back where he's going to stay - down - ALLLLL THE WAY DOWN - to the bottom rung of the ladder. However, do not despair because quite frankly, Austin IS here tonight. I've got better news for you, Austin will compete in this ring tonight! Austin will compete in this ring in a preliminary matchup. AND, those of you wishing to spend more time with Stone Cold may do so after the event is over, and watch Stone Cold disassemble the ring and assist in carrying the ring to the next city. Oh there's reason to celebrate! Tonight, we celebrate the sheer, utter SUPREMACY of the World Wrestling Federation champion, the Undertaker! And I can tell you Undertaker, the Rock definitely smelled what you were cookin' last night, and it curled his top lip. And of course, we celebrate the complete harmony of the entire Corporate Ministry, because many of you thought there was a crack in the foundation. Well, based upon Triple H and the Undertaker functioning as one, in harmony, we would like to show our appreciation. Undertaker, we would like to invite you to defend the WWF title at the next World Wrestling Federation pay-per-view (entitled "Fully Loaded", I might add) against fellow Corporate Ministry member Triple H. Yes, tonight we celebrate as no other night! Tonight, ladies and gentlemen will be a night you remember FOREVER." Suddenly, "Hard Time" starts playing over the speakers - does BIG BOSSMAN coming out to his old theme have designs to spoil the party? Vince tells the Corporate Ministry to step back. Bossman on the apron. "Wait a minute - stop the music - stop this - stop right there. You guys get back, Shane and I will handle this ... let's see - oh ho - whoa - let's see if you'll go face to face with Shane and Vince McMahon, we won't budge. WE WON'T BUDGE. Let's see." Bossman steps between the ropes, eyes the McMahons, and yanks the mic from Vince's hand. "I love you guys." And then Shane and Vince embrace the Bossman. Well, I guess that was kind of a swerve. Bossman's back in the fold. "Oh there's reason to celebrate - celebrate with us tonight, won't you?" Shane reminds us that McMahon 6:32 says payback's a bitch, and Vince does an Austin-esque arm raise, which gets a laugh out of me. Now we hear breaking glass which means it's time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to turn the page on this feud for the benefit of the loyal viewers. Austin says the match was a bunch of BS, but knowing that he'd probably get screwed, he took some precautions before going into the match. Austin wrote himself a new contract, complete with extra zeros and a removal of the clause which said he couldn't strike McMahon unless physically provoked. (Well, at least they closed THAT plot hole.) Also, knowing he'd probably be screwed at the King of the Ring on the 27th, he booked himself in a title match on the 28th - so tonight, it's Austin vs. the Undertaker for the title - oh, and by the way, if there's any interference from the Corporate Ministry, the Undertaker will be disqualified and Austin will be awarded the title! And THAT'S the bottom lahn, 'cause humma humma ba dumma.

Hey! There's Steve Blackman! And - he's WALKING!

Lookee there! It's Ken Shamrock! And HE is ALSO WALKING!

King of the Ring encore presentation ad. Tuesday at 8!

Val Venis and Ryan Shamrock may not be friends anymore, but they ARE both appearing on "Happy Hour" - NEXT ON USA!

KEN SHAMROCK v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) in a "Weapons Match" - Do you know HOW CLOSE we came to seeing STEVE BLACKMAN main event a pay-per-view? Let Us Take You Back to Sunday Night Heat last night where Blackman made Shamrock BLEED with many a whack mit der kendo stick. Blackman's a hired assassin, we are told. "Vince, you think you're kinda cute and funny coming out here and settin' all these things up - speaking of settin' up Vince - you set ME up, Vince - and now you've hired somebody to take me out. Well Vince, let me make this real clear to you - real clear. You keep sending him - but I'm gonna keep coming, Vince, and I'm gonna get you. Speaking of which, the person you keep sending after me - Steve Blackman - why don't you send your kung fu punk ass out here right now. And you better bring all your weapons, because these are the only two I need!" This match is no DQ, no stopping for any reason. Shamrock rushes Blackman as he walks down the ramp - ducking the thrown weapons bag and spearing him to the STEEL ramp - raining down blows - now whipping him into the STEEL steps - then clutching his ribs to remind us that he has "internal injuries" and is fighting against doctor's orders. Blackman into the STEEL post - rolled in the ring, Shamrock brings the bag into the ring, but before he can use the kendo stick, Blackman kicks him in the gut. Hard whip into the corner. Blackman is "the silent assassin," says Ross. I just think he's a bad motherf--shut yo mouth. But I'm talkin' about Blackman! Then I can dig it! Nunchuku! Blackman removes Shamrock's shirt to reveal taped ribs, then proceeds to break a baton over Shamrock's torso. Blackman tells something to the crowd which I can't hear but is probably extremely cool. Blackman goes to the kendo stick. There's a shot to the shoulder (or, if you're Ross, "the head,") and Shamrock's down. Blackman takes his bag, leaves the ring ... and silently walks away. Well, the match didn't end, but I guess it's over. Shamrock's been munching on some glass, I guess, 'cause lots of red stuff is leaking out of his mouth. Oh, I'm sorry, that's "internal bleeding" for the purposes of this story (under 3 minutes). Let's go to an ad break!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago and relive the baton thrashing. Now looking live, Shamrock AGAIN stupidly yells out for people to get out of his way, then holds his innards. "During the Break" footage shows Blackman calmly walking away. THAT'S MY MAN THROW'N' DOWN!

MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! And his job is to interview the King of the Ring winner, to be known now until next year as KING ASS. Still shots from last night shows the road to the King of the Ring for Mr. Ass. Cole insists on calling him "B.A. Billy Gunn" for some reason. Gunn reminds Cole that he's "Badd Ass" even though he isn't anymore. Gunn tells us that he's half of the tag team champions because the Acolytes didn't have the balls (oops, the mute just missed it) to accept the challenge "and Mr. Ass never backs down from a challenge. And then in one night, I beat three guys who were at the top of their game to become the 1999 King of the Ring. Ya see, it's no more carrying people on my back like Bart, the Road Dogg, and X-Pac - NOW it's all about - me." Cole asks Gunn what he thinks about his match tonight with Bradshaw. Gunn says it doesn't matter, in fact there's an open invitation with anybody that wants to step into his yard. The sound of dying seagulls heralds the arrival of TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA into the ring. "Easy Ass Man, easy - I got no beef with you, you got no beef with me. This is strictly business. This is about your financial future, and you're gonna be very interested in this. You see, I got a question for ya, Billy. Have you gotten your royalty check lately?" Triple H says that Road Dogg & X-Pac have siphoned off all the DX royalty money for the licensed DX shirts and whatnot, resulting in the three of THEM getting a big cut. Umbrage is taken that the two guys that those three carried around are reaping the financial rewards. Now Triple H can't go get what's rightfully there's as he's occupied with winning the WWF title, but if Gunn would work on his behalf, he'd be happy to loan the #1 bill collector - Chyna. Gunn agrees and I think we've found a new feud for our King. Helmsley calls for the DX theme to play but no sooner has it happened than the ROCK is in the ring and on Triple H. Seems he's hot about Triple H costing Rock his shot at the WWF title one night previous. Out comes the flatbed full of referees and officials to separate them.

Earlier Tonight, Michael King Cole interviewed Chaz. "Well, Michael Cole, all due respect to you and to the creative team of the World Wrestling Federation, I've been down gimmick alley before. I've been a Spider, I've been a Head Banger, I was a Sister of Love, and then I was Harry 'Beaver' Cleavage. Through the support of my girlfriend Marianna, she's convinced me to go out on my own and do what I've always wanted to do - become my own star here in the World Wrestling Federation. I'm Chaz, I'm a kid from New Jersey, I'm here to have fun and THAT'S what I'm gonna do."

Steve Austin laces up his boots - even though we all know we're at least an hour ten away from the match

Wow! Some guy picking his nose! No, wait, it's a wwf.com spot! "wwf.com - constantly digging to bring you ALL the behind-the-scenes news and information inside the WWF!"

GTV brings us some black and white footage from one car to the entrance of the Charlotte Marriott - Test & Stephanie McMahon emerge - Test holds open a car door for Stephanie - they exchange a kiss - and Test walks around to the driver's side of the car. Then they drive off. I hope whoever that is can afford a colour camera sooner or later!

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and 1-800-CALL-ATT - home of the most annoying ads on Earth! Hey, remember when Lawler REFUSED to even SAY the WORDS "Burger King?" Those were the days...

MEAT (with PMS) v. CHAZ (warrington) (with Marianna) - Hell, any gimmick that puts Marianna in a skimpier outfit bears closer scrutiny - ahh, poor choice of words I guess. Ross tells us that the McMahons have signed Triple H vs. the Rock for later in the show. Lawler's too busy talking about Test and Stephanie to ogle ANY of the four women outside the ring. Back and forth match between Young Lions None of Us Yet Care About comes to the endgame when Terri stands on the apron, Marianna stands on the apron, eventually shoving Terri to the mat - Meat lets go of Chaz and Chaz takes advantage of the distracted Meat to put him into a Torture Rack, into an inverted overhead slam (YOU tell me what it's called - I'm lazy) for the pin. (2:01)

TERRY TAYLOR works tonight! And he's with TEST. "After watching tonight's GTV, you and Stephanie McMahon, it's obvious you two are--whoa!!" The four members of the MEAN STREET POSSE strike fast and hard and Test doesn't have a chance. The boatload of officials and referees are on the scene, but not soon enough...

Here's the Undertaker - he spends a lot of time rolling his eyes in the back of his head, don't he?

HARDCORE HOLLY walks to the ring to continue the gabbin'. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and reveal that the car didn't REALLY hit Bob. Wotta shock, eh? "First of all, I've got something to say to you Big Show! Last week you threw a car on me! Is that the best you've got? Hahahahaha... Well guess what? You missed! Hahahaha... Look, Big Show, I'll get back to you later on because right now I got bigger fish to burn. Kane, it seems to me you don't know who Hardcore Holly is - you see, I'm the Big Shot! So, if you want some of Hardcore Holly ... besides blindsiding me like you did last night, I tell you what, why don't you bring your Big Red diapered ass down by the ramp and fight me face to face, because I tell you what, I'm ready for you tonight, ya Big Red Retard!" When did Holly go COMPLETELY insane, anyway? The lights go out and the music starts - I guess it's on...

HARDCORE HOLLY v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE - Holly doesn't flinch when the flashpots do their thing, which impresses Lawler. Holly walks right up to Kane and gives him a shove - Kane blocks a punch and hits a chop of his own, again, to the corner, choke is on. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long tries to convince Kane to break. Into the opposite corner we go - Holly steps aside on the charge but eats a back elbow. Kane scales the ropes - but Holly bounces off the ropes, crotching him on the top rope. There's a dropkick to take him outside. Holly out now, bringing him back in - stomp. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW lumbers to the ring while Holly talks over Toyota salvage values with Long. AHHHHHHit'stheCHOKESLAM on Kane! Big Show walks off, his measure of revenge gained, while Holly puts a foot on Kane's chest. 1, 2, 3. Holly wins! Holly wins! (1:35) Standing over Kane and gloating, the triumph is fleeting as Kane puts up a hand to grab him by the throat. There's a chokeslam. There's ANOTHER chokeslam. Holy crap, there's a THIRD chokeslam. The rest of the refs come out but Kane wants one more. Holly is rolled out while Kane gets distracted, and crumples in a heap at ringside.

Lookee there, it's Triple H & Chyna - oh my God - they're WALKING!

And here's the Rock - he's - he's - WALKING!

Looks like we barely break six minutes of action this hour. Wrestling must be SO SO popular because we see so LITTLE of it during these shows that we keep coming back. If they had like 80 minutes of wrestling in a two hour show, man, we'd just get so TIRED of it, the ratings would SURELY plummet! Right? Still, they could TRY it at least - you know, kinda TEST that theory...

The NEW Starburst Hard Candy presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From Last Night, Triple H runs into the WWF title match and puts a Pedigree on the Rock. The tombstone from the Undertaker makes it academic.

ROCK v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) - Jim Ross announces the attendance at 19,553 - exactly 555 less than last night's King of the Ring in Greensboro. Rock welcomes the RAW credits as he stands on the turnbuckle. And here's the TV-14-DLV ratings box. Time now to Sing Along with the Rock. "Finally the Rock has come back to [name of city]! Undertaker, last night at King of the Ring, the entire world witnessed the Rock beat you not once, but twice. But the People's Champ ain't cryin' because he relishes in the fact that you woke up this morning with a brand new tattoo tatt'd on the back of your 33 pound head! And the tattoo read this: 'Last night at King of the Ring, the Rock did sacrifice me fast, for he took my own hand, turned it sideways, and stuck it straight up my candy ass!' Now the Rock says you don't have enough hair on your Roody Poo [you sing here] to come out here and let the Rock serve you up a nice big fat Rockburger with some extra cheese and when you get thirsty the Rock has a nice tall glass of freshly squeezed monkey piss (muted)" [Why do they bother muting if they're gonna miss the naughty word?] "If ya smellllllllll what the Rock ........................... is cookin'." I supposed I should mention that Triple H's music now has Connecticut Yankee-provided scream vocals. Triple H rushes but Rock gets in the first licks - out of the corner, lariat. Right hand takes him down, right hand, off the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks, Rock ducks again, Helmsley hits a high knee since the clothesline aren't workin'. In the corner, Helmsley's on fire with right hands. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner finally works a break. Right cross, Rock fires back with rights of his own. Off the ropes, reversal, Rock ducks, gutshot, DDT. Cover, but only 2. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, KING ASS is in with a "club" to end this technical display of excellence from the Rock. (DQ 1:40) Why, that must be a BILLY CLUB! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, Gunn does some major league jawin' while Triple H and Chyna walk off. Ross says for the second time that Gunn fancies himself "Brad Pitt with an Attitude" so I guess I better note it before he says it five more times and overkills me to death. I personally think Gunn looks as much like Brad Pitt as *I* do but you didn't hear ME say that.

Not to mention that THIS hour doesn't seem to bode well for any matches reaching the magic three minute mark...

APW action returns to the Silver Creek High School Gymnasium - All-Pro Wrestling is TOO HOT TO HANDLE! The APW title will be decided in a four corners match! And if I'm not careful, I'll be BLUDGEONED into going!

Exterior of the Colesium, because we're LIVE.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Gunn takes the Club to Rock, in effect, laying some smack down.

Backstage, Michael King Cole was supposed to update us on the Rock's condition but instead, let's take a gander yonder as PRINCE ALBERT & DROZ are putting the boots to VAL VENIS - then running him into a garage door.

GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. EDGE (you think you know him) - I'll bet Flair's had ALL them women. Lawler lets us all know he's watched "Austin Powers" by doing everything short of saying "horny" (although the Powers doll has NO qualms about saying it...hmmm...) Edge walks through the crowd and wears a trenchcoat - I'm just saying. Let Us Take You Back to Last Night and show you Edge's second rope spear on Jeff Hardy - a manoeuvre which Jim Ross, always on the cutting edge of the lexicon, described as "scintillating." Lockup, side headlock from Godfahter, Edge shrugs him off, shoulderblock from Godfater, off the ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts, clothesline from Godfather, kick to the gut, off the ropes, DROZ & PRINCE ALBERT are here to cut THIS match short, Godfather with a scoop and the slame - elbowdrop misses - Edge's foot is caught, but he hits a spin and mulekick with the other. Gutshot, swinging neckbreaker by Edge - to the top rope - plancha for 2. Off the ropes, head down, kick from Godfather, clothesline, scoop and a slam, off the ropes with a legdrop. Edge slumps in the corner and stays there until Godfather can hit the Ho Train splash. Now Droz is up on the apron - referee "Blind" Tim White turns his attention to him while Prince Albert gets in the ring behind the Godfather - here's the - wow, military press into a something-or-other. Droz off the apron - Edge with the spear and the pin (2:06). Edge takes off and Albert and Droz continue to work over Godfather, eventually tying him up in the ropes while one of the ho's gets in the ring. Droz grabs HER and Albert goes to the case. Ewww, they're not REALLY gonna pierce her tongue. Just in the nick of time, Edge rescues the fair damsel - taking Prince Albert over the top while the freed Godfather takes care of Droz. They end up walking off while the ho's join the good guys in the ring. Edge and the ho get a little - friendly - Edge with his infamous smile - and as they walk off, the camera finds Gangrel up in the cheap seats ... not exactly happy with this turn of events.

In the locker room, Billy Gunn talks to an unseen person. "Okay? I mean, yeah, only come if I need ya, all right?" Then he walks off...

After RAW is WAR, catch the World Wrestling Federation on the Home Shopping Network! That is, unless you're on the West Coast...sigh

KING ASS v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (with Acolyte Faarooq) for a tag team title belt - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Gunn hit the Fame'Asser on the title belt on X-Pac to take the fall in a six-man tag - following that, Gunn walked off with Bradshaw's belt, much to his consternation. Was I just imaging that there was supposed to be an Acolytes/Brown & Henry tag team title match last night? The PPV *was* a half hour short...come to think of it, why didn't we get a "Coronation" last night? Don't they do THAT anymore? I guess they didn't last year either... Anyway, Faarooq clocks Gunn with the OTHER tag team title but despite this Gunn STILL kicks out at 2. Gunn getting destroyed now. Backdrop suplex. Elbowdrop off the ropes misses. Off the ropes again, flying jalapeno from Gunn. Repeated rights. Head to the buckle. Hard whip into the opposite turnbuckle - splash attempt is caught by Bradshaw. Here's a fallaway slam. I forgot to mention that Test was reported with a concussion in the previous match. I mention is now because Lawler's STILL talking about it. Gunn with a tornado DDT out of the corner to counter whatever Bradshaw was planning. Gunn off the ropes with a back elbow - standing dropkick. Here's a moon for Faarooq but he's not into that. Faarooq up on the apron with the belt - Gunn ducks and it's BRADSHAW who tastes the metal. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda somehow manages to miss all of this despite staring RIGHT at Faarooq. Anyway X-PAC is out and he's got Gunn's head down to the canvas. Gunn looks back at X-Pac, and next thing you know he's doing three flips from Bradshaw's "clothesline from Hell." 1, 2, 3. Longest match of the night - whee (3:07) X-Pac gets hit from behind by THAT SLUT CHYNA, and before a doubleteam can commence, the ROAD DOGG is in to hit and dance and hit some more. Road Dogg actually striking Chyna this time...Gunn and Chyna take off while the DX theme plays and crotch chops for all abound.

Hey, some guy's getting his prostrate examined! "wwf.com - constantly probing behind the scenes to bring you inside information and the latest news of the WWF!" The reason we're seeing all these spots is that they had a site redesign on Monday. Just in case you didn't know. You didn't CARE? What are you doing ONLINE?

TCI local spot hypes the WWF Live at the San Jose Arena on 16 July with a REALLY old RAW spot. Look, there's Chainsaw Charlie!

The JVCkaboom!box brings you the JVC Kaboom! of the week! And it's the ladder pileup from last night's King of the Ring main event.

Michael King Cole stands in front of a door. He'll be talking to Mr. McMahon soon - so don't you DARE touch that dial! Even if you see Scott Putski and Sid Vicious on the other channel!

IVORY & NICOLE BASS walk to the ring. "That's right, Ivory is in the house, and in a big way as your NEW WWF Women's Champion. THIS time people, you've got a REAL Champion! No more Barbie doll lipstick LOSERS! I don't just walk it, or talk it or take it off, I just DO it. Now there's only one problem here that I see - there's no competition here in the WWF. So now I want tonight to be special. So I thought we'd have a little fun, change things up tonight here, Charlotte. Why don't we make our own little rendition of an old Rocky Balboa movie? I'll be the hot lookin' champion who's got it all, and I'll give an opportunity to some nobody out there to be a somebody maybe tonight. I'm gonna open up an invitation to all the ladies in the audience tonight, Charlotte. If you've got what it takes to be a Champion, step right up, huh? Let's have somebody...all you gotta do is beat me." SOME WOMAN actually walks up and onto the apron (plant, plant) - JIM DOTSON the WWF security guy says that don't happen in MY ring but Ivory, laughing, tells him it's okay. You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that was Malia Hosaka. Ivory says "It's all fake anyway, honey, don't you know? Come on, it's all right. You want a piece of me for that belt? Look at all these people watching you, girl, are you ready to do something, or are you just gonna stand here and look cute?" She begs off - saying something like "I didn't think you'd actually let me in" or something. Ivory says something about her momma or something. The unknown girl walks off, Ivory spins her around and slaps her one - then Ivory gets SPEARED and we get a gratuitous upskirt look at her ass. Oh, sorry. Before any more damage can be done, Bass pulls her off - POWERBOMB! Bass throttling her, Ivory telling her to stop. Ivory picks her up to see if she's okay - then pops her with a clothesline and rains down some rights. Dotson finally gets Ivory, who has a handful of hair. Order is restored, sorta.

Michael King Cole asks Mr. McMahon about tonight's main event. Vince says last night he and Shane took the heart out of Stone Cold and he's not worried at all.

Debra's getting made up, but Jarrett's impatient, he grabs her arm and - oh boy - now they're WALKING!

The Rock stands around while women jiggle and some rapper talks about "gettin' chefy with it" and ravioli. Rock's catchphrases are overdubbed onto the soundtrack this week - I STILL think this ad kinda sucks.

The NEW Starburst Hard Candy presents WWF Fully Loaded - only on Pay-Per-View!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-bra) v. X-PAC for the Intercontinental Title - You know, I wish Lawler would SHUT THE FRICK UP already about the "puppies." Debra has a new "SHOW ME YOUR PUPPIES" T-shirt, and the King gets a free one. I HATE it when the Champion enters first, by the way. While I have you here, let me say that no matter what my long time close personal friend Rick Scaia says, there was ONE obvious choice for King of the Ring and it was Mr. Ass. The ONLY surprise in that tourney was that he went over X-Pac instead of Road Dogg. In fact, if you look at the brackets, it forms a nice neat symmetric pattern, I'd draw it out for you here but it probably would work in HTML when the people at this site get to it. Jarrett takes time out from kickin' X-Pac's ass to chide Debra for wearing a blazer that can't help but be so open and revealing at the top. Lawler says "puppies" a MILLION FRICKIN' TIMES. Here's a sleeper that takes a while. Arm doesn't fall enough times, though, X-Pac powers out and puts on a sleeper of his own - Jarrett reverses to another sleeper, X-Pac's trick knee acts up. X-Pac with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" a few times. There go his educated feet! Some of those kicks even come close to landing. X-Pac with a powerbomb to counter the - what, RANA ATTEMPT? From Jarrett? Apparently, this week Jarrett's geetar says "Greatest IC Champ of all time" but I didn't see it. Jarrett off the top turnbuckle with a plancha, but X-Pac rolls it over for 2. Starburst provides the double feature of the powerbomb. Hard whip into the corner, X-Pac sidesteps the charge and hits his patented three spinning heel kicks. Here's the bronco buster. Here's KING ASS come out to waffle X-Pac with the geetar - but X-Pac ducks! There's a roundhouse kick to Gunn to put HIM down and out of the ring, conveniently leaving behind the six-string. Debra's up on the apron and at this point somebody hits the ring with a drink, which splashes PERFECTLY onto the camera. Also we miss X-Pac putting the guitar over Jarrett's head. Unfortunately, Debra is - ahem - "distracting" referee "Blind" Jim Korderas up on the apron. Gunn is in with the Fame'asser on some guitar remains (Ross: "DAMN him!") - Jarrett manages to crawl over and put an arm on X-Pac. 1, 2, 3. (5:02) Post-match Gunn lays into X-Pac - and you bet your sweet bippy that ROAD DOGG is in to make the save. Well here's THAT SLUT CHYNA and it's on. Ross proclaims it a Pier Six brawl but fails to ask Katie to bar the door. The requisite complement of referees and officials attempts to restore order. Here's some replays! Ross says for the THIRD time that Gunn thinks he's "Brad Pitt with an Attitude" and I officially proclaim "overkill" on that idea for tonight.

Undertaker and Paul Bearer - are - WALKING!

Steve Austin, in a different shot - is - ahhhh - ahhhhh - ahhhhhh - WALKING!

King of the Ring encore ad #2

A quick reminder that Val Venis and Ryan Shamrock are NEXT - on HAPPY HOUR! Not on TSN, mind you...

UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Ross says we're in for a slobberknocker. *I* say the Champion DAMN sure shouldn't be walking out FIRST. Looks like we won't get a half hour of bell-to-bell tonight since we've got about 12 minutes left in the show. Ross plugs the WWF on the Home Shopping Network right after the show. Exclusive interviews I will completely miss! Yahoo! Austin's in the ring and Undertaker charges to start - duck, Austin with rights, now they're trading blows, now it's all Austin again. Shoulder drives from Austin - now Undertaker trades places in the corner and strikes - Undertaker scares referee "Blind" Earl Hebner out of the ring. Still on him. Head to the buckle. Off the ropes, Austin ducks, Thesz press, right, flourished kneedrop but only 2. Still on him with kicks. Head to the buckle. Repeated heads in the gut. Right cross. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Austin ducks, gutshot, Stunner attempt is shoved off - Undertaker steps out - Austin following - double sledge off the apron to the floor! Now Austin punching away. Undertaker trying to escape but Austin's got him. Chop to the throat turns the tide. Headbutt. Head to the STEEL steps - blocked - blocked - Austin with some rights - now UNDERTAKER hits the steps. Back in we go, off the ropes, Undertaker puts a boot in the gut - off the ropes, Austin with a kick, and a hard clothesline for 2. Off the ropes, reversal, big boot from the Undertaker. Stomping away - Paul Bearer gets a shot in with his shoe - oops, I think that's Corporate Ministry interference. Oh well. I bet Austin wins anyway. Starburst presents a Double Feature - and I HARDLY think a big boot deserves Double Feature treatment! Back to live action, it's the Undertaker with a clothesline to take Austin out of the ring. Austin crawling around - Undertaker out and got him by the hair - whoops, no hair. Well, you know where. Here's a shot to the head - head to the STEEL steps again. Kick to the ribs. Head to the barricade. Austin looks out on his feet here. Austin manages to come back, though, kick, right, right, knee, piledriver on the ramp doesn't happen as Austin lets go to take a shot at Paul Bearer, who waddled too close brandishing the shoe. When Austin turns back around, Undertaker hits a clothesline on the floor. 'Taker grabs the head, and rolls him back into the ring. Fistdrop to the back of the head, 1, 2, no. Austin in the corner and Undertaker stomping away. Undertaker stands him up and throws a right. Whip into the opposite corner - Austin hits hard. Cover - 1, 2, knee over the bottom rope. Choke is on for 4. Undertaker again threatens the ref. Austin sneaks up and scoops him up - but Undertaker falls on him for a near fall. Reverse chinlock applied and the crowd is chanting Austin's name. Austin now down to the mat. Austin tries pulling the hair but Hebner won't have it. Austin slowly going out - the arm slowly lowers but never falls. Austin rising up and punching out - overhand right, discus right, but Undertaker takes him down with a clothesline. Scoop and a slam from the Pale Destroyer. Arm wringer - climbing the turnbuckles - off the top rope with an axehandle - but only gets 2! Chinlock. Austin covers his mouth and you can tell they're planning spots thanks to the untimely closeup. Austin rises to his feet and cracks a jawbreaker. Both men down and the count is on. Austin's up first - got the leg - dragging him to the corner - but before he can make a wish - Undertaker kicks him away and Austin flies over the barricade. Undertaker out, right hand, brings him back over the barricade and back into the ring. Right hand takes Austin down. 1, 2, kickout. Again the chinlock. How many times have we SEEN this match anyway? If it's on "free" TV, may we never see it again. Austin punching out - off the ropes, Undertaker ducks, off the ropes - DOUBLE clothesline and both men are down. Zombie situp! Austin kicks three times, puts him in the corner and kicks even more times. Now off the ropes, reversal, scoop - Austin slides backwards, gutshot, STUNNER! 1, 2, PAUL BEARER pulls Hebner out! Is that Corporate Ministry interference? Guess not. Austin manages a hot shot on the Undertaker as he comes in but Undertaker hits a clothesline on Austin to regain the mo'. Off the ropes, Austin shrugs him off - hits the gutshot, AND THE STUNNER! 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new WWF Champion. (12:02) Austin receives the customary beers (I give you 45% of the total ring time and you give me LIGHT beer?) - but before he can enjoy any of them, Undertaker LEVELS Austin with the WWF title belt. Some more refs come out but Undertaker's on a mission. Right to the forehead, and another - Austin bleeding now. Austin fights back, but Undertaker won't be denied. Too bad he didn't fight this hard when he still HAD the belt! Undertaker clawing at the open wound - Austin makes it to the corner, but Undertaker is still on him. Ross is screaming. "Austin is getting the hell beaten out of him! Austin is a bloody mess! Stop this! Stop..."

And we're out.

8 matches, 30:13 bell to bell.

Who raised the briefcase? Will we ever know? Will we care when we DO know? All this and more - NEXT WEEK!