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/1 December 2000
Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan





Nevada Hot Dice vs Illinois Riot

Open: Last week, Mark D'Amato got some help to rid the league of the Prophet. Kenneth Loge III (you can call him KL3) and D'Amato are on top of the world. The Prophet still has the belt.  Hey, who is that guy and why was he hiding in the garage? Meanwhile, the King Richard Brown is sick of his team doing bad. He wants some changes, even if it take him to do it. Last time we did this match up, Mo Sanders lost his Jammers Belt and the game.  Jason McDaniel, Mark Weber and Mo remind us about that. And then Denise Loden talks and I don't pay attention. 

To the announcers. Recap of The Prophet leaving and taking the belt with him. Looking ahead to this game, we watch Ray Robles throw chili powder and talk about Jason McDaniel and Mo Sanders being tied at 48 points.

Intros. Now playing the part of Ray Robles is Bill Barker. This is the fourth team he's been on, right? (We never got to seem him on the Dice, but he did skate there.) Denise Loden pulls something from her top...well, I don't think she was actually wearing that bra, but she throws it to the announcers. Jenny Matthews has 40 that'd make her the top scorer in the league? We're told that Amy Craig only has 35, which must be some sort of hideous lie. Jason McDaniel wears the Jammer belt out. Devo gets his parole for the game. The announcers talk about the Riot not doing well this season.

Danny Wolfe talks to King Richard Brown: The Riot are 2-4, and not skating good.  We're only now realizing this. "No one asked you where we were in the standings - lay off, will you?" Sorry. Oh, he's talking to Danny. "Where's Ray Robles tonight? I see you guys skate out and I don't see Robles?" "That's because he was the reason we were 1-5, when you don't do what I ask you, you hit the road. I got rid of him." You know, as much as I endorse the idea of not listening to Danny Wolfe, perhaps you should at least agree with him on what the record is. "How about his veteran leadership?" "That's the problem. He knows how the old style work. If you don't do what I want, you get out of here - hit the road!" "And why is Bill Barker here?" "Bill Barker, I felt sorry for him. I have a very compassionate heart, he needed a job after the fiasco sun team dumped him, so I gave him the chance to make a few dollars." Barker's got the note card. Danny asks him what he's going to bring to the team. Note card. "It's my honor to be skating for the greatest and wisest man in this league, King Richard." Danny again asks what Bill Barker is going to bring to the Riot. "King Richard is the man, now bow down to the king chump." "Shout on your knees!" "Shout on your knees?" "That's what it says...'shout on your knees." "Jerk! You're supposed to shout at him!" Things kinda break down and Barker's not really starting off on the right foot. 

"Just a good ol' boy...never meaning no harm."

Amy Craig poolside leads us to...

Period 1:

Match up features Shay Brown and Denise Loden. "[Denise] underwent an equipment change before the game and is now gonna skate a little freer and easier."

Danny Wolfe talks to Shay Brown: Danny points out that while the Riot have only one once against the Dice, the women Riot have dominated Shay and Jenny this season. "They only know - the only way they know how to play is physical. They pulled my hair, Jenny got concussion. Some have talent on their skates - they have talent on their [bleep.]" Oh, come ON. Knees is a dirty word? Beeping it out is gonna matter when they're insinuating the same thing the rest of the show? Some TNN censor really sucks. 

Jam 1: Denise Loden, Jenny Matthews, Amy Craig, Shay Brown jam. Just the four people who mean anything. Loden brings Jenny into the infield, trying to throw her into the bench, but running her more into Laura Weintraub.  Shay takes out Amy, but we don't see it. I guess Amy gets a point for getting past Jenny while Shay gets by everyone who isn't Amy. 4-1, Dice, Denise and Shay fight

Here's the Roller Jam rules.  That point scoring isn't explained there

Jam 2: Amy takes out to the Dice jammers.  Gina Lombardo (new tattoo? Or is just bigger?) catches up.  Shay blocks. The guy over the public announce system is really loud this week. Laura is holds her so Denise can hit the Skyscrapper. (Slower than usual, but I bet Denise is happy that it made contact this week.) Gina and Amy clean up for a combined six points.  Replays how Shay hit her jaw hard on the ground, that couldn't have felt good.  7-4, Riot.

Jam 3: Laura Weintraub is dominant as a jammer! Even though I've mentioned her name in every jam, I refuse to believe that she's pushed. Even just for this game.  The announcers, while hyping the women, continue to pin the bad Riot season on the men. Pull away by the Dice. Nice double whip by the ancillary members of the Riot as Loden picks off the members of the Hot Dice - She gets Shay after the whistle goes off, but before the time's actually up. It doesn't count for pants. 15-4. Low blow by Denise! Shay sells it big. That's the end of the first period.

"Uncle Jessie!"

Period 2:

There's a mysterious woman in red in the crowd taking. Wait, it's Lisa Seltzer...the grandfather of the guy who used to own this league, before Loge took over. Glad we had a graphic ready for her.  (Maybe they spotted her earlier and working something up during the break) We just got done with one "control of the league" story, why not start another? What is she doing there? Why is she wearing so much blush? How can I make makeup comments?

Match up features Mark Weber and (in Sundog's outfit) Bill Barker. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark Weber: He had a long running feud (sure) with Robles. "I've been playing Ray Robles for a long time - he's kinda earned my respect, but, Bill Barker is no Ray Robles. Bill Barker is actually too stupid to be Bill Barker. Let me think - he reads from cue cards 'I'm Bill Barker...I am a moron.' He's an idiot." Markus: "Not everyone can be as smart as Mark Weber."

Jam 1: McDaniel on the jam, Weber breaks up a Brian Gamble/Sanders double block, Jason jumps over (even though he didn't really need to) and then both guys celebrate.  Jason then realizes he can still pass people and he takes off. Power slam for Barker by Weber! Spinebuster on Christian Salvia! Jason picks up seven. 15-8.

Jam 2: Mo, Christian and Jason jam, with Jason picking Christian up and throwing him over the rail.  Big hipblock takes out Mo, and Jason's got Bill Barker and Gamble block...double backdrop by Weber and Devo. Weber grabs Mo Sanders...Falcon Arrow! I don't think he meant to do it like that - and I thought it was Devo and Gamble who took those wrestling lessons. 15-12, Dice.

Jam 3: Mo's back to his feet but looking a little shaky. Jason Bechstein jams, but gets taken down by Mo's jumping forearm. Weber to block. Mo has no help...Barker with...something...but it hits Mo! Jason goes ahead, and then the Hot Dice do - 16-15. Barker and Brown discuss. "I'm American, so I threw Jell-O! What's more American than Jell-O?" "Jell-O's for kids, not RollerJam!" Somehow, I'm thinking that the Riot aren't quite back on that winning path. 

Five things out of date in the ad: Old Dice uniforms (1), Stacy Blitsch in the sky blue Bod Squad outfit (2), the Texas Rustlers (3), Richard Brown skating (4) and in the old Riot outfit (5) and that's just the first couple seconds.



RollerJam Rewind: There's the Prophet. You said I'd never have to see him again. You lied to me. I'm not transcribing ANY of this. Anyway, you know what this game was about, you know what happened, you probably could have guessed what would happened before the game, and I probably am silly for not figuring on Lindsey Francis coming out with them. If one wanted to complain, they could ask "What was the point of Lindsey leaving in the first place?" but I'd never just complain.

The announcers discuss the offensive powers of Jell-O.

Danny Wolfe talks to Mark D'Amato and Kenneth Loge III: "Wassssup!" Oh, no. And the crowd cheers. "I'm just getting down with you Daniel." Anyway, they won the bet, and rid the league of the Prophet "hopefully forever" and now my world has just become a little bit sadder. Anyway, D'Amato and Loge have a little unfinished business - D'Amato didn't help Loge for free, it seems. "Little D, let me ax you a question: how long have you been with us?" "Four seasons." Okay, maybe that's the case against having RollerJam use numbers. "And you don't know what I'm all about, do you? I'm about peace and love and doing all right by your perps. And everyone knows how dopey I am about RollerJam, right? Well, last week Mark D and Big Nasty had to do some pretty darn large living to get rid of the Prophet and get me back control of the World Skating League. Well, now that's it's mine, now that I'm back in the home, it's time for me to give my homebodies a prop. So I'm here, as a gesture of a gratitude and a little gesture towards his retirement, to hand over 100% ownership and control of the New York Enforcers to my man man and my man with the plan, Mister Mark D'Amato. [They shake hands] Some papers for you to sign" Mark D'Amato signs, using Kenneth's back. D'Amato doesn't read it much, hmm. After D'Amato is assured that there are no loopholes and everything is legal, "Loge, you are the biggest idiot I've ever met in my life. How in the world did you ever think that you could trust me with anything? [Loge's still talking hip hop.] It's dis...and knock that off. You know Loge that I will stab you in the back every chance I get. I used you Loge, I used you for my own purposes, and now I'm done with you, and now I own the Enforcers." Loge's so angry that he can't even get out a coherent sentence.  He promises revenge. Ahh, everything's back to normal.

Shay Brown pool side bumper.

Period 3:

Danny Wolfe talks to Denise Loden: Wolfe brings up the men blowing the lead. "You know Danny, it's always rough when you've got to come from behind. But the Oral Authority always rises to the occasion and delivers the goods. The men are really sucking, but don't worry about it Danny, the Oral Authority will keep the fans coming."

Jam 1: Amy Craig and Laura Weintraub turn around to take out the Dice jammers then start going. The announcers push that tension between the men and the women. Springboard cross body from Denise takes out two. Or, as Rory says it. "Denise takes out two with one big blow - Denise would appreciate that terminology." 19-16, the Riot retake the lead.

Jam 2: Bulldog by Jenny Matthews on Amy! Shay with one on Laura. Jenny's along one the jam. Denise blocks, as a Riot jammer is catching up. There's Shay's clothesline, which looks better (but still not great) this week. 19-17, Riot, Jenny having called off the jam before Amy could get a point.

Jam 3: Denise decides to skate without the jammers helmet for some reason. All four mentioned people not named Laura are out on the jam.  The pack goes down, the Dice are pushed into the rail - double dive over the pack! Jam's called off, six points up, and it's 25-17, Riot. The announcers say that Amy scored 13 points tonight, so that'd make her 3 points behind Jenny (who only got 1.) Shay and Denise score another fight. 

Cindy Lou Gail Silver talks to Lisa Seltzer (backstage) - I think the number of female interviewers RollerJam has had is greater than number of teams Barker has been on. At least I stand a chance of spelling the last name, since we still don't get a chyron for her. "Lisa, this is the first time we've seen you at RollerJam arena, you must be excited to see your family's legacy carry on." "Gail, I really wish I could be more excited, but what I've basically seen here tonight is wrestling on wheels." I thought we were only allowed to think that but never say it out loud. "My family is sickened every week by what goes on here. The chaos with the sex and the violence - it's just not called for at all and it's a disgrace to the family name." "Lisa, if you're not enjoying yourself, what are you doing here this evening?" "Well Gail, I'm really not at liberty at this point to disclose that information. But I am taking note of some wonderful skaters here. For example, Jason McDaniel is really fantastic, and under the right circumstances and conditions, he could be even better. But at this point, the league as it is now disgrace and it's not what my grandfather envisioned at all." "Well, we'll be sure to get that message out to Kenneth Loge. Back to you guys."

I can't see how the third (or is it fourth) straight "I'm here to clean up this league!" angle can fail.  No sir.

The announcer are surprised about the negative reaction...

Period 4:

Jam 1: Jason and Mo jam, with Jason getting the better of it again. Is it Wolfe who's doing the play by play for the people in the stands? I guess so. Devo's out on the jam to join him. Weber has a chair, down goes Barker. Gamble tries for the Air Ninja but gets a chair to the midsection instead. 27-25, Dice. The Riot men blew the lead in record time.

Bill Barker's still down on the ground. King goes to check on him. Well, maybe not check on him. "You should've ducked the chair, you dummy." The King fires him during the game, and Barker doesn't seem to care too much...but Richard wants the skates right now.  That reminds me - where's Amanda Hurtz all game? No mention's been made of her...did she get let go or something? Are we now counting this as a new season? Richard needs some time to get equipped, so it's time for a break.

The 3DO Air Attack of the game was Mark Weber's Falcon Arrow on Mo Sanders

Jam 2: Richard Brown is skating in the suit. He throws elbows  at will. The camera's all about focusing on Richard, so we don't see how the two Nevada Jasons get to the pack, but we do see Richard trying to keep them back. Mark Weber's over to help...double bulldog by Brown! Gamble comes over to help out before Weber can get revenge! Nice play, but they're still down by 2.

Jam 3: Richard's not jamming, which is a shock. Mo is, which isn't much of one. He quickly catches the pack, where a double block from Weber and Devo is waiting for him...jumping cross body by Brown! Mo skates by everyone (nice kick by Gamble) and wins the game!

Final: Illinois Riot 30 - Nevada Hot Dice 27

The Riot (except for Bill Barker) mob Richard Brown. He reminds us that he's the King. "I'm just so great!" "I am the King! I'm so pretty! I look so good!"

The announcers put over Amy Craig and Denise Loden as having a great night.  And then there's the King. That's the show.

This was a nice game, with the story of the Riot getting the win they really needed. I don't even mind that they kinda made Richard Brown look like the only capable person on the men's side, because he hasn't skated in a while. They did some nice building towards whatever's next (though I may not like it). Nice to see Laura getting some spotlight time (even though, in hindsight, it would have made much more sense to have her on the Enforcers or the Sundogs.)

Next week is the Enforcers versus the Quakes.  Maybe they'll mention the existence (or no longer existence) Amanda and the Sundogs then?

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