You are here
Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan




California Quakes (5-3-1) vs Nevada Hot Dice (4-4-0)

Open: Lisa Seltzer wants to do a roller derby tour. Jason McDaniel may be involved. Sean Atkinson is definitely not - "You want a tour, I'll give you a tour. It's a tour to get f[bleep] out of town!" Whoa, he earned that one. Anyway, this happens to be also to be a match between the top two teams in the league - but it's more important that the league stays together than who's top.

Your hosts are Marc Loyd and Rory Markas and they have clips of McDaniel and Atkinson and not much you don't already know.

Intros. Markas wonders who the tour team would skate against too. Announcers remember Jenny Matthews was on the Quakes, good for them. No explanation why Devo's back with the Dice despite saying that he would do anything to prevent the team to go on tour and going at it with Sean Davidson, bad for them. Coming out last for the Dice - Lisa Seltzer? Huh? Lisa has an unending supply of uninteresting outfits.

Point totals, based on the averages given:

Hot Dice 	Quakes
McDaniel, 68	Slopey, 58
Matthews, 56	Conemac, 50
Devo, 18	Schalin, 41		
S. Brown, 15	Atkinson, 23
		Blitsch, 23 

Danny Wolfe talks to Lisa Seltzer: She's ready to announce the team. Or rather, just the captains. Jason McDaniel for the men (Mark Weber looks at McDaniel before Lisa even says her name, but doesn't look upset.) Jason is happy. Jason shakes hands, and pulls Shay Brown over. Lisa: "At this time, I'd like to announce the woman's captian, and that's none other than Stacey Blitsch." Watch the Dice go from happy, to shocked, to displeased, Shay the mostest. Meanwhile, the Quakes are just stuck in shocked mode. Lisa: "Why would I take Shay Brown when I can have the Rollerderby queen herself?" Ooooooooh. Lisa explains that she's taking the best skaters, not a team. This is just the start.

Period 1:

Match up features Stacey Blitsch and Shay Brown and I don't think these two are gonna get along this week.

Danny Wolfe talks to Sean Atkinson and Jamie Conemac: They didn't know either. Sean makes Jamie the women's captian, for at least tonight. Jamie's disappionted that her best friend did even tell her, or the rest of the team, before she decided to join the tour team.

Jam 1: Stacey grabs Jenny Matthews in a headlock, shots to the back of the helmet, but Shay pulls her down by the hair. Weak bulldog for Jamie, and Jenny's out on her own. Double block by Blitsch and Cindy Zimmerman, but Shay floats back, gets a whip from Jenny and breaks it through. 2 points for the Dice.


Jam 2: Stacey gets the bulldog on Shay this time. Jamie takes out the other jammer and gets to the pack by herself. Stacey and Christine Cosson team up for a leg whip, and Jamie skates all the way by the pack for 5 points. 5-2, Quakes. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Stacey Blitsch for a counterpart: She didn't sell out, she just took a business opportunity. This is a chance of a lifetime, and she made her own decision to go. It's not her fault that they don't want to go with her.

Jam 3: Shay rails Stacey, but Stacey's back on the track quick. Out on the jam, Jenny Matthews and Jamie battle equally around the track, with Jenny getting some nice elbows in, but only gaining a little advantage. Stacey goes for her backflip, but Shay knocks her down before she can push Jenny. Both jammers get by the two captains and call off the jam. 6-3, Quakes. Markas: "You don't see that very often, where she absolutely misses on the move." Hehe. Stacey charges Shay to start a fight, but Corbin breaks it up.

Period 2:

Match up features Jason McDaniel and Sean Atkinson.

Danny Wolfe talks to Jason McDaniel: Jason kinda dodges around the "why is she picking players and not your team question", including saying, weirdly, "If I don't go, the Dice aren't going." If one team is going, it's the Dice.

Jam 1: Jason Bechstein tales out the Quake jammers, allowing McDaniel to get to the pack unmolested. Atkinson blocks, but doesn't see Mark Weber come back and put a headlock on him - setting up for a Railbiter from McDaniel. McDaniel celebrates while Weber and Devo beat down Atkinson for a bit. Schalin helps out, and he and Devo fight. 6-4, Quakes.

Jam 2: McDaniel takes down both Quake jammers this time, and manages to get to his feet, so both Jasons catch up to the pack. Atkinson blocks, but not after he gets a chair shot from Weber. Devo comes over and set Atkinson up by the rail - Weber with a running jumping chair shot knocking them both over the rail. Atkinson ends up landing on the chair. Weber gets up, sets up the chair, sits down, and talks trash to Sean, still out on the ground. That was kinda cool. Devo goes after Pasi, but we don't see much of it. Meanwhile, the Jasons got 8 points (4 points each?) so it's 12-6, Dice.

Jam 3: Sean's taking off his skates. Not that he's not gonna get involved in this jam, no - he takes the bench and sets it up on the announcers desk and the rail again, getting a trash can along the way. Meanwhile, it looks like Pasi's the only one out on the jam, and he catches up to pack, with Weber blocking, as we wait for Atkinson to do something. Weber's too busy watching Pasi to notice Atkinson jumping at him with a trash can.  And then he runs, in socks, towards Devo. Devo's off the track? No problem, he'll just tumble over the rail and hit Devo with the trash can and his hands many times. Devo fights back well. Schalin must've passed everyone, 'cause it's 12-11, Dice now


RollerJam Rewind: WWRD do, and all that. Sean has words for Lisa Seltzer. Loge has words for Lisa Seltzer. Here's the trouble with Bill Barker, and him nailing Sean with a briefcase. The best part of this, this time, is watching someone on the Quake bench (Christine Cosson?) turn around, see Atkinson get hit over the head, and then just turn back around like it was the normalest thing in the world. Maybe it is, come to think of it. Richard's not sure how they lost that game, but he's pretty sure it's Barker's fault. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Sean Atkinson: He's still mad about Stacey joining the other team. "Jason [McDaniel], you're just a backstabber, just like Mark D'Amato, and Weber's gonna find out! Weber, if you want a true friend, look over this way, his number is 29 and I won't stab you in the back!" Wow, that's weird. Oh, here's Kenneth Loge to tell us the skaters are pretty much slaves to this league, and there's no way that they can get out of them. Atkinson says everyone (but the Enforcers) don't skate for money (and with the sound of those contracts, how could they?) but for the passion of the game. Sean gets bleeped again. Jason claps? Stacey goes over to talk Lisa

Special feature: Learning more about Devo. You know about him on the track, but he's different off of it. Weber is disappionted about Devo's antics - he expected a wild party animal, and he got a boring guy. Once a month, Devo gets a weekend pass, and Weber's in charge of him.  Devo likes to read, playing with Weber's dogs, feeding the ducks, and smelling the flowers. (When did I start writing personal ads?)  He loves the outdoors, even if he could kill that dog in a second. All was going well (for this) until Jenny Matthews showed up, and Devo started stalking her. Jenny: "All us girls are a little afriad of Devo - Guy's weird!" There's Devo and Jenny's a little freaked out. Weber ends it by putting the handicuffs back on Devo. I think Weber needs to pick better friends.

Period 3:

The announcers talk about Sean - his dad's watching the game tonight.

Jam 1: All four names out on the jam, with Stacey sacrificing herself to take out the Dice duo. Jamie catches the pack, and a double block, but Stacey with a back somersault and a backdrop for Jenny. Handstand splash. 12-12, Stacey celebrates but now she and Jamie are arguing.

Stacey's side is that she wanted Jamie to go with her - her name was/is on the list to go on the team, it just needed to be cleared with management. Jamie's ticked that she didn't know that Stacey even wanted to go - they're teammates, they're best friends. They shout this loudly at each other, and it's a better scene than I just made it sound. Rory surprises me by name dropping Cosson, Cindy Zimmerman and Eliana Bonilla, asking if Stacey put them on the list to go on tour too, and showing remarkable knowledge of the non-impact players.

Jam 2: Jamie and Jenny jam, and the pack kinda clears out in front of them, so Stacey and Shay must have done something. Jenny gets six points, Jamie four, and it's 18-16, Dice. Or maybe not - the scoreboard in the arena says 16-15, Quakes. The announcers only mention that score, making it quite confusing. The later score seems to make sense with the little we saw of people being passed. 

Jam 3: Jamie and Jenny take each other out before they get to far, leaving Stacey and Shay. They're shoulder to shoulder around the track a couple of times. Shay tries for a hair pull but doesn't quite get it. Shay rails Stacey for the second time tonight. Jenny clears a few people away, and Shay scores three. Shay also grabs Danny Wolfe's mic, yells something at Lisa, checks to see if the mic is working, and tries again: "What do you think about your Roller derby queen now?" Now the graphic says 18-16, Dice - must've gotten ahead or something.

Period 4:

Stacey has really left her team this time - she's sitting in the crowd with Lisa. 

Jam 1: Jason and Slopey jam, trying to avoid each other's moves but not getting to far. Slopey grabs McDaniel, distracting him from the Skyscrapper (did Sean find a new place to stand for that?) Sean turns around and takes out the front of the Dice pack so Slopey can get through. Meanwhile, Stacey and Lisa talk. Lisa says "Oh my god" to something, and I find it very distracting. 20-19, Quakes. Devo hurt his arm somewhere there.

Danny Wolfe talks to Devo: Wolfe reminds Devo that he's gonna have to go back to jail if this works out bad. Devo takes off, skating around the track, now jumping in the crowd. There's a conveniently placed yellow jacket and a hat from a guy who over acts. Security, looking like Barney Fife, is out to chase him.

Look at Weber and Atkinson nose to nose in that ad.

Jam 2: Jason Bechstein and Brian Krebs jam, so I'm guessing they're both going down. Blocks by Weber and Atkinson. Atkinson with a Back Attack, Weber (on two tries) hits a jackhammer - maybe he was trying for something else. Sean crotches Bechstein on a post, while Weber chokes out Krebs with a skate. That's a hard way to pick up a point. 21-20, Quakes - and Sean's being put in the cage.

Jam 3: Jason takes out Slopey, leaving him alone on the jam. No, he's calling up Bechstein, with Pasi being the one back to block - and take the chair to the face. Jasons are gonna pass everyone, and win the game. Sean's out of the cage and charging after everyone with the bench, but everyone's running away. McDaniel risks his life to retrieve the Jammer's Belt before taking off. Here's a light casing, but that misses. He's throwing everything that isn't nailed down. I think he broke a record in the chair throw with that one. 

Final: Nevada Hot Dice 30 - California Quakes 21

Sean's ticked at Lisa, getting bleeped again. Lisa calls him over, while Stacey tries to play peacemaker. Sean gets bleeped a couple more times. Sean...challenges Lisa to a match race against Jamie? Lisa tells him to bring it on. Somehow, I'm thinking it won't be Lisa skating when/if it happens.

That was fun.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard



Design copyright © 1999-2001 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission