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Rollerjam by The Cubs Fan




Illinois Riot (3-5-0) vs California Quakes (5-4-1)

Open: My VCR cut this off - somehow, I'm thinking they'll catch me up anyway.

Your hosts are always Marc Loyd and Rory Markas and they'd like to talk to you about the dissension within the Quakes. (Man, they have so many clips of THAT too in the archive some place.) Let's go back to last week and watch Jason McDaniel and Stacey Blitsch get picked for that tour team and Shay Brown have a great expression on her face. Lisa Seltzer is destroying the league - apparently, that's a bad thing. That's like the nicest of 20 jokes I have in mind, so at least we're starting nice.

Intros. Mo Sanders is coming in with 72 points on the season, and the announcers discuss if one team would be big enough for both Mo and Jason. Wait a minute, Denise Loden (35) comes out alone? Amy Craig (a bazillion, more or less) is hurt and not skating tonight? Perhaps I'll take the week off. Eh. Let's give them a chance to earn it, first. Laura Weintraub (8) gets her on entrance, because she's getting pushed this game (by default, which is better than what she was getting, but not much.) I don't see Bill Barker but I'm sure it's a matter of time. King Richard Brown opts for the white suit (with black sneakers.) Here's a clip package from two weeks ago, when these two teams last met, showing what happened to Richard last time we saw him. You know, Richard seems like a cool dude, but wouldn't it be cooler if we pushed the people who skate the whole game on this team? I dunno. Jamie Conemac (61) gets the first entrance for the Quakes, Stacey's usual spot. Stacey (23) comes out last and separate from the rest of her team. Sean Atkinson (not listed) is wearing a Quake baseball cap, abnormal. Pasi Schalin (45) is wearing no top, normal. Eric Slopey (66) does not get the White Pony nickname (or any attention) this week. Brian Krebs (not listed) has a cap too, if you want to know. The HECK - Bill Barker is a Quake? Let's see: Hot Dice (but never in any official game) -> Sundogs -> Riot -> Quakes, one more to go. Markas notices too, point for him. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Stacey Blitsch (w/custom made 'Malibu Stacey' helmet?): She's not worried about being stripped of Quake Captian rights - she's more concerned with making the Tour a success. Danny asks about the helmet - Stacey says it's gonna promote safety for little girls, plus they're gonna sell it and makes lots of money. Of course, Sean interrupts - they should be selling the Quake helmets, with everyone's signature on it. Sean also points out he knows what he's doing, team wise - they have won the last (only) two championships. Break, which leaves me to wonder 'Isn't it weird that Stacey's wearing something visible under her top?'  

Period 1:

Match up is Jamie Conemac (because Stacey is now evil) and Laura Weintraub (because we got remind you that you're supposed to care about her tonight - even if we haven't been up till now.) 

Danny Wolfe talks to Denise Loden: This is to make up for her not being in the match up for the first time EVER, I bet. She doesn't like Blitsch, but screw that (npi) if it can get her on this tour. Denise makes sure she has no chance of getting on the team, by pointing out that she'd only go if the rest of her team went, and that Stacey has a really big ego. That's not ironic enough to make up to me if they're turning Denise good for anything longer than this game, you know. 

Jam 1: Denise, Jamie, Stacey and Gina Lombardo all get on the jam. Did Gina just take out Stacey all by herself? Wow. Denise with a bulldog on Jamie, as Stacey catches up and takes out Gina. Amy has a knee injury. Anyway, these two never have any trouble with the pack, and both clear their own way through, but both are two busy staring each other down to notice Jamie and Gina skating by and calling off the jam. There's the obligatory fight between them, and somehow, it's 5-5.

Jam 2: Gina, Jamie and Cindy Zimmerman jam, the 2 beating the 1 and Jamie and Cindy catching the pack. Markas remembers when Cindy was important, as Denise singlehandly blocks both of them. Stacey skates back - Denise is put in a headlock and ran into her own bench (taking out her teammates), an old Loden move! Stacey takes out Laura for extra effect - no score is shown, but replays are. 10-7 is shown on the scoreboard in the arena, but I don't know which is which.

Jam 3: All four names are out, with the Riot having better teamwork. Laura and Denise slowly skate to the pack, which manages to all fall down, except for Stacey and Jamie. I think Stacey is supposed to get hit by Denise as she dives over the pack, but Stacey kinda flinches away and Denise just clips her, then pushes down Jamie. Off camera, Laura must've skated through - it's now 15-10, Riot. There's fight two between Stacey and Denise. 

Danny Wolfe talks to Lisa Seltzer (w/papers): First time we've seen her all night. Talking about Jason being unhappy but getting over it. She's got another signing, a legend from the roller derby: Ray Robles! Hey, nice to see you back. He was fired from the Riot last time we (didn't) see him. Apparently, this show is in Central American and South America, and Ray's over big there, so he's a good guy to have on the tour. But who will translate for him? Ray thanks Lisa - he's gonna make all kinda of money. Richard doesn't seem too happy that Ray's around, imagine that.

Period 2:

The announcers talk about the shocking reappearance and signing of Ray Robles. The story here is that when Lisa was talking about a legend, Richard (and some of the rest of us) figured it was him, since he's still proven he can skate good. (I'll take their word for it.) 

Match up features Pasi Schalin (because we're showing the shot till we stop) and Mo Sanders (because he's a skater.)

Jam 1: Mo, Slopey, Christian Saliva and Krebs all out on the jam, and all really catch up to the pack. Brian Gamble blocks (and blocks good) for the Riot while Pasi does the same for the Quakes. Gamble takes out all of the Quakes, looks to be setting up for the Air Ninja on Pasi, but Barker reminds us he's on this team by accidentally hitting the Captian American lunging clothesline on Pasi instead of Brian. I hope I just didn't figure out where this was going. 19-10, Riot. Replay - Pasi sure got nailed. Barker will sit this one out.

Jam 2: Tom Smith joins Slopey against Mo on the jam. It takes them half the the jam, but the two beat one again. The announcers speculate - Slopey's one of the top three jammers in the league, which is going out on the biggest, fattest limb you can find. Double block by Gamble and someone else - I can't ID him, because Sean put both of them on their back with a cross body a second later. Quake chaos breaks out, with the jammers passing people and Sean attacking anything red that moves - Back Attack for Mo, landing on where the ramp meets the infield. 19-18, Quakes. Lisa and Ray aren't happy with that style of play.

Jam 3: We're stalling for some reason (Why did Gamble just half collapse and then start smiling?) so here's another shot of Lisa and Rey. Oops, whistle blew. Someone (Christian?) took a big ol' bump over the rail. Again, Mo versus two, but it's the two lesser Quake jammers. Smith misses a hip check and ends up on the rail, and an elbow takes down Krebs. Pasi blocks, and gets a little help from - Chad Vaughn? I'm having to remember everyone's name tonight, no fair. Vaughn, spinning Schalin around into a clothesline on Mo, has a trash can that he hands to Sean, just on the scene. Mo is thrown to the floor, and Sean...goes into the crowd? Oh, no, he's climbing on top of the cages and jumping off with a shot for Mo. Gamble's in the area, so he gets a clothesline. Punch for Ray. He tries to get Richard, but Richard slips away and the refs get control of the situation. Headbutting the rail hurts who? Now Ray and Richard are arguing - about Mo? About this situation? Replay shows Richard ran for his life when Sean jumped off, but forget to tell Mo.


RollerJam Rewind: Jason hates to lose. So, in the game, he did a lot to make that not happen. But before all that, we found out the captains. There's that reaction shot again. There's Sean putting Jamie in charge. Stacey talks. Devo runs for his life and we'll never see him again. (That sounds familiar.) Loge talks. So, since Ray's not on a team anymore, Loge's got no problem with him being on a team, right? Maybe he's still under contract to the WSL - those things can get messy. We end this bit with Sean's speech from last game. 

Hey! There's Amy (in the stands)! Those people wearing (yea, wearing) the "Amy Craig's #1 Fan" signs must be familia, I guess. She looks at her watch - but no, we've got a half hour left of this. You know, I was half expecting her to come out as the next Tour person. Maybe later.

Wacky Feature Time: Richard Brown needs to replace Ray Robles in his life. Wait a minute, no, this about what it'd be like to be King for a day. No, it is about Ray Robles - Richard believes that Ray's out to get him. Rory thinks he's delusional. I think the chili peppers showing up where his phone and shower head should be are probably bad signs. Dude, Richard, put some clothes on. You'd be amazed at the number of briefcases Richard owns, or the items he puts in him. Through the magic of video editing, a bowl of cereal becomes chili. A random fan throws chili powder in his eyes, but through the magic of more video editing, the faucet that Richard uses to wash out his eyes suddenly changes from water to chili too. Oh, wait, it was all a dream, Denise is waking him up. Oh, wait, Denise is a chili pepper monster, never mind. That was something.

Breaking news from the announcers - Richard and Ray want a match race, and they're getting it tonight. That's awful quick. Why hasn't Mo thought of this?

Danny Wolfe talks to our contestants, and runs down the rules: Three laps, anything goes. If Ray wins, Ray is back with the Riot. If Richard wins, Richard gets Ray's tour spot. What does Lisa think of this? Why is Barker on the Quakes? Can I keep asking questions till Richard is done talking? No, I can not. Ray says nothing.

Announcers kill time as we line up

Match Race: Need you ask, Richard is skating in his suit. And I think he jumped the whistle but like referee Sean Corbin cares anyway. Big ol' lead, big enough for Richard to start skating backwards and taunt Ray. He's leading after one, but not by much. 1.5, and Ray's catching him, putting him in a headlock, but falling (accidentally?) backwards instead of going forwards with the bulldog, and Richards takes a ugly looking bump. Ray looked worried for a second, but they fight - they both go tumbling over the rail! Ray into the announcer's desk. Up the stairs, Richard tries to escape - up into the aisle, back around - they fall down the stairs! Oww! Stacey and Lisa watch on from their seats. Ray throws Richard back in.  He's gonna skate - both across the line for the second time about the same. Ray with a big old punch - going for the plastic bag - CHILI POWDER IS BACK!  Amazingly, Richard skates on, though a axhandle to the back redirects him to the infield, through the infield, and all the way to the other side of the track. Hey, that's near the finish line, I guess that count's, if he's going through. Ray's catching up - he's not gonna accidentally push Richard through, is he? A Mark D'Amato Screamer by Robles almost does, but Richard doesn't break the tape. Ray grabs a garbage can. Shot to the head, Richard is done and Ray cross the line and is your winner.

Danny Wolfe talks to Richard Brown: Richard is out again. Danny does hear a heartbeat, so this time, he's gonna give mouth to mouth. Mouth spray for Richard. Oh my, he does do it. We're all kinda grossed out on that one. Richard is gonna sue him for sexual harassment and the rest of us are gonna watch Beatles commercials.

Danny Wolfe talks to Ray Robles: Awful nice that with the Riot down a man with Barker gone, Ray manages to win a spot back on the team. He's on the Riot, he's on the tour, he's gonna make a lot of money, and he's gonna take the Riot with him on tour? We get to hear nothing about that, because the fireworks on the stage light up - it's Jason McDaniel (w/o the Jammers belt) . Oh, that explains why we saw that closeup of Mo when Ray was talking about taking the Riot with him. Jason's not happy with this all star team idea - so there's no more breaking up teams, he wants a "single elimination, round robin tournament" to decide who goes. Jason says that's the way it's gonna happen. 

Period 3:

Jam 1: Gina, Jamie and Stacey jam. Gina's jammed so much tonight, they get to mention that her nickname. (Wild Child.) If you're wondering why Laura isn't jamming, she had something better to do - Denise and her held up a pole to clothesline the Quakes with. Jamie ducks it, Stacey does not. Legdrop by Loden, and she rides Stacey's back. Jamie got two, so the Quakes take the lead 20-19.

Jam 2: Marc Loyd is now talking about how cool Stacey's helmet is, huh. Backflip pushdown for the two Quake jammers. The announcers, for no particular reason, have switched back to liking Stacey now, which is incredibly annoying. She helps Jamie slide under a Denise/Laura double block. Now, if the Riot pass no one, and the Quakes pass people, you'd think the Quakes would get more points on that jam, and maybe the Riot wouldn't get any. You'd be wrong: 24-24.

Jam 3: The announcers say 24-19, so we must have someone not paying attention to the right score for two weeks in a row, I guess. Loden takes down Stacey and Jamie off the bat to stop them from getting out on the jam, leaving Gina alone to do herself. Double block by Jamie and Stacey - Laura leads them into a Sky Scraper from Denise. The Riot do get those 5 points and it is 24-24.

Period 4:

Danny Wolfe talks to Ray Robles: He sure found his Riot uniform quick. He's gonna help them win. Maybe with chili powder. Danny starts to pat him down for the chili powder, but they both find a left over note card instead - Ray reads it aloud, sounds like Bill Barker's pick up lines. Yep, Barker says he's been looking all over for that. Why is Barker on the Quakes? 

Jam 1: Christian drops Krebs on his head, and Mo takes out someone a little while ways back. Mo catches up before Christina can catch the pack. Blocking is provided by Pasi and Barker, chili powder is from Ray Robles, points are now served. Either Gamble just messed up that Air Ninja kick or it's awful weird for the Riot to be working together so well and so bad on the same jam. Four points for the Riot, and they're up 28-24

Jam 2: Tom Smith shoves Christian over the rail, and helps Krebs take down Mo. They're both slow catch the pack, but Ray is back their waiting for them. Ray can't hold both of the forever. In fact, it's him who gets held for Sean hitting the Sky Scrapper. General beating for everyone, and another Back attack for Mo. Quakes get 5 on that, so it's 29-28, Quakes.

Jam 3: Mo and Christian take out the Quakes and get out. Atkinson blocks, dropping his helmet. Slopey and Pasi are catching up the Riot jammers, and they take them out. Amazingly, they don't just call off the jam - wait, Pasi doe after passing the whole pack. Mo gets railed. Quakes celebrate.

Final: Quakes 36 - Riot 28

Jamie and Tom Smith celebrate. Everyone celebrates. The show is done a few second earlier, so let's show Mo going over the top rail again.

Danny Wolfe talks to Lisa Seltzer: How does she feel about the tournament? Lisa's okay with it. She just doesn't like trash cans. Sean's over - will he go on tour if the Quakes win? Sean says they'll win, but if the Quakes win, they'll only go on tour if everyone goes. Sean rambles a little more, "Oh Daddy", that's it. Stacey seems fine with it - why? Why is Bill Barker on the Quakes? Why didn't he turn on them and give the Riot the win like I was expecting? Oh, it's over.

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