/22 April 2000
|WCW Saturday Night by E.C. Ostermeyer
Hello, this is your "WCW Saturday Night" recap for Saturday, 22 April 2000, and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.
Young, "with-it" crowd of non-chemically enhanced "high-on-life" beautiful people storm into the disco, hoping to get in some floor time.
Whoops, not this time, kids, the "Death Row"-green "WCW Saturday Night" logo's still hogging the limelight.
Through the actions of Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo, this is Day Seven of "WCW Saturday Night: America held Hostage!"
Your "hostage negotiators" are, from left to right, Terry Taylor, and wrestling's only Living Legend, Larry Zybszko.
Taylor looks like John Denver's younger, drug-free brother.
We go right to Spring Stampede, and the "stacking of the deck" by Bischoff/Russo against the "Millionaires Club" members.
Our first bit of footage comes from the "Suicide Six-man" Cruiserweight Title contest.
Only it's not footage, but a photo montage of still pictures that look like they were shot with one of those dollar-disposable Wal-Mart cameras.
Jeez Lou-weez, guys, if you can get great pics in the 'WCW Magazine", how 'bout using the same cameras for the montage, okay?
Chris Candido wins the Cruiserweight Title belt after interference by Ms. Tammy Lynn Sytch, who is looking quite "zaftig" in her new outfit. The photo montage lasts all of two minutes, and we get treated to some
"The Game" promo, Big Red Chewing Gum, 1-800-CALL-ATT, Castrol GTX motor oil, Starburst Hard Candies, Scott's Turfbuilder, MLB 2001 videogame promo.
We come back, just in time for LarryZ to say, "You're only famous for fifteen minutes. If you're Hulk Hogan, that fifteen minutes is about up!"
This segues into another photo montage from the Spring Stampede PPV, where Hogan arrives at the arena to a less than friendly reception, and lots of semi-blurred "action"-type stills. We are also treated to pictures from the Jimmy Hart/Mancow "Eye for an Eye" grudge match. It is revealed that, even with a huge meat puppet like Hail in his corner, Jimmy Hart still jobbed to a Chicago deejay. Kidman's run-in to waffle on Jimmy Hart only cheapens the moment.
LarryZ: "Bischoff and Russo have penetrated the brain of Billy Kidman, and made him into a robotic sheep!"
Yamaha ATV's, "Jedi Power Battles", Arsenio Hall shills for 1-800 Collect, a WCW stinger featuring the Bret-Hart-with-a-chair cliffhanger from the last Nitro, local cable company promo's the "Oxygen" cable channel, and an ad for the "Rocky River Grille" restaurant.
Taylor and LarryZ discuss Bischoff/Russo's version of the "level playing field."
We are treated to yet another photo montage, this time of the WCW US title tournament. Scott Steiner beats the Wall, and Mike Awesome beats both Bam Bam Bigelow, and Ernest "The Cat" Miller. Vampiro beats Billy Kidman after Hogan does a run-in, and gets arrested at gunpoint, though the photos don't show the police actually pointing the guns at Hogan.
WCW Arena Schedule
4/24 Rochester, NY
4/25 Syracuse, NY
4/28 Glen's Falls, NY
5/1 Birmingham, AL
5/2 Memphis, TN
1-800-CALL-ATT, Castrol GTX, Sprite, Jedi Power Battles, Midas Gold Shocks & Struts, 1-800-Collect, Slim Jim (no Randy Savage), Geico Insurance, twice, AOL v. 5.0, and WCW "Power Jam" action figures.
Completion of the WCW US title tournament semi-finals: Mike Awesome loses to Scott Steiner after Kevin Nash interfered. Vampiro's clobbered by Sting.
In the final, Scott Steiner wins the US title after Sting is dragged down through and under the ring by Vampiro, who snacks a bit on Sting before returning him to the ring, bleeding profusely.
1-800-CALL-ATT, Skittles, Greyhound, Pep Boys car batteries, "Jedi Power Batteries, er, "Battles" , Yamaha RoadStar bikes, Burger King Double Cheeseburgers.
Taylor remarks upon Scott Steiner as the new WCW US Champ, and Chris Candido as the WCW Cruiserweight Champ. This leads to discussion of the Shane Douglas/Ric Flair feud, and the WCW Tag-team Title tournament.
Photo montage depicts Shane Douglas and his partner Buff Bagwell beating Harlem Heat 2000, and then meeting Team Package for the Title match. Brian Adams/Bryan "Wrath" Clarke interfere, and Douglas/Bagwell win the straps.
Taylor and LarryZ discuss the Hardcore Title match between Terry Funk and Norman Smiley. LarryZ chills the whole bit when he says, (referring to Terry Funk,) "'Dead Man Walking': you people don't know how true that statement is!"
Photo montage of the Hardcore Title match has a sound loop of Norman Smiley screaming and screaming, even when Dustin Rhodes arrives on the scene to interfere.
Rhodes costs Smiley the title.
This so infuriates Vince Russo, that we get honest-to-God FOOTAGE of him firing Dustin Rhodes, and Rhodes telling Russo to "get his yankee ass the hell out of there!"
LarryZ: "With Vince Russo, failure is not an option. If Russo could fire Rhodes, he could fire YOU, Terry Taylor."
Taylor gives LarryZ a look, and we cut to some
Superstation Movie Lounge is showing "Basic Instinct", "U-571" promo, 1-800 CALL-ATT, Yamaha ATV's, Wendy's, "Jedi Power Battles", Motorola Skytel, Meineke brakes and shocks.
Back to photo montage, as the WCW World Championship title match at Spring Stampede between Jeff Jarrett and Diamond Dallas Page is reviewed. Kimberley turns on her husband and waffles him with the guitar. Jarrett wins the title, and Kimberley leaves on Eric Bischoff's arm.
Footage, (yep, actual moving pictures!) of last Monday's Nitro, where Vince Russo throws a "New York party" for the New Blood champions, complete with loads of red balloons and confetti. Russo: "You can boo all you want, that still doesn't change the fact that I'm better than all of you!"
Russo and Jeff Jarrett both have issues with Jim Ross of the WWF. Both, in turn, tell ol' JR to "kiss my ass!"
Jarrett then challenges DDP to a "Ready-to-Rumble-Triple-Tier Steel Cage Match", to commemorate DDP's Hollywood stardom.
This brings out Eric Bischoff with Kimberley in attendance. Kimberley trashes DDP and their eleven year marriage, saying that she's now looking for the things that will help her career rather than his, and that Bischoff is the one to help her, in more ways than one. Bischoff says that Kimberley is the icing, er, whipped cream on his cake tonight.
We next see DDP clobbering the arena security staff outside, then crashing the party inside. DDP gets through the Riot Police who, surprise, surprise, are the Millionaires Club. Ring-clearing pull apart with the Millionaires prevailing, hooray!
Backstage, Bischoff is chewing out the New Blood mid-carders. Lash LeRoux and Hugh Morrus look like they've been "hangin' wit' da homies"; Booker, in a suit, looks loads more menacing than either of them. Bischoff tells Booker to ditch the shades and look him in the eye. Booker does so, and if looks could kill, Bischoff would have left in a pillowcase. Bischoff, unfazed, tells the New Blood to "Get it right! I dare you! Get it right!"
As the troops file out, Eazy E gets "The Phone Call" that both he and we can hear. It 's Hogan. He out of jail, and Bischoff's at the top of Hogan's "To Do" list.
Footage of the Sean Stasiak/Curt Hennig match. Miss Hancock makes a leggy appearance. Mark madden gets soaked when Stasiak and Hennig brawl over the announcer's table.
Shot of Hulk Hogan arriving amidst clouds of police.
A fan hollers, "Hogan, you SUCK!"
Staredown with the boys in blue.
Who back down, doggone 'em.
I was looking forward to Hogan getting Taser-ed, beaten bloody, and thrown in the back of a police cruiser.
Hogan charges into the arena, and gets lost in the tunnels. Then he gets lost backstage. Then he can't find the twenty-foot wide entry way, and comes around the side of the set. The Stasiak/Hennig match is still going on, but Hogan waffles Sean Stasiak, runs him off, then pats Henning on the shoulder and tells him to get lost.
Think about this. Hogan just interrupted a pretty good wrestling match, because he wanted some stick time, and RIGHT NOW, brother!
The gist of Hogan's raging and snarling is that:
1. He hasn't lost a step. Well, maybe half a step.
2. In here, you lead by example, (my GOD, the arrogance!) and
3. He's here until somebody kicks his ass, and runs him off!
Hogan then berates Billy Kidman, daring him to come out.
Kidman's on the Titantron with a response, which basically is, "Nyahh, nyahh, come and get me, baldie!"
LarryZ: "Kidman has a total lack of respect for Hulk Hogan!"
LarryZ: "Bischoff and Russo sent the Wall to take out Terry Funk, but, unlike what happened in Humpty Dumpty, it was the Wall that came crashing down."
Footage of the Wall/Terry Funk hardcore match, which is joined in progress just after Funk took that ugly moonsault header into the floor.
WCW "Puzzler" for the week:
Who shoved the tables onto the Wall, and helped Terry Funk win the match?
The Brian Adams/Bryan Clarke confrontation with Vince Russo, re: the tag-team Title shot he promised. Russo effects memory loss in this area. Adams and Clarke form "Kronic" which takes out the Harris Boys and the Mamalukes in short order, then makes an in-ring public demand of Russo for a Tag Title shot.
Tank Abbott's rampage through WCW is discussed.
LarryZ: "You know, simple things entertain simple minds, and all Tank Abbott wants is to simply come out, beat his opponent up, and go back home. Only, the guy he wants to beat up, is Goldberg!"
Footage of Tank Abbott challenging Goldberg again, then choosing another victim.
What's hilarious is the stupid, (or drunk!) Rockford, IL fans that are in Abbott's face, daring him to swing at them!
Yeah, real smart, guys. Walk up to the bear and poke it with a stick!
Abbott's choice for this week's "Victim of Senseless Violence" is Bruce McArthur, owner of the NHL Chicago Blackhawks. He's seated at ringside with Bob Probert, who is, arguably, the baddest badass in professional hockey. Abbott drags McArthur over the railing, and does an inverted gutbuster on him before rolling McArthur into the ring. Bob Probert leaps the railing and is all over Abbott, as the WCW Security "Black Shirts" swarm into the ring, separating the two.
Jeff Jarrett challenges DDP to a World Heavyweight Title in a possibly career-threatening "triple-decker cage match" at the Slamboree PPV. This is the same triple-decker cage used in the "Ready to Rumble" movie. Speaking of which, we are treated to footage of the premiere at Mann's Chinese Theater, and a trailer from the film itself. Lots of WCW folks, but very few movie stars in attendance.
LarryZ: "Jeff Jarrett thinks he's the "Chosen One", a legend, because he's the one that won the Title. Well, legends and icons are there to be destroyed."
Footage of the Sting/Vampiro feud is shown, with Vampiro ragging on Sting, Sting rappelling into the ring, (and landing pretty hard on his left leg, btw!), then commencing a beat-down on Vampiro.
We are then shown footage of the DDP/Mike Awesome match, where Tony Schiavone is hollering about the new, relaxed "DQ" rules, just as Chris Kanyon charges the ring to save DDP's butt, and the referee throws the match out, and is calling it a DQ!
Make up your mind, guys! It's one way or the other.
And clue the announce staff in next time, okay?
Mike Awesome goes for a table as DDP escapes. Mike gets all set to Awesome Bomb Kanyon through the table, but gets a Jackknife Powerbomb through the same table by Kevin Nash.
Next we are treated to an interview between three of the best stick men in the business, "Mean Gene" Okerlund, Buff Bagwell, and Shane Douglas. Bagwell trash-talks Team Package, as does Shane Douglas, whereupon Lex Luger (with Liz) comes out and challenges Douglas to a match.
Footage of the match shows Luger over-selling a weak toss into the steel guardrail by Shane Douglas. Then Douglas gets waffled by Ric Flair who's dressed in a Sting outfit. Russo's in to make the save, with some sharp words for Flair as he and the Tag-title Champs retreat up the ramp.
Terry Taylor asks LarryZ what's going to happen at Slamboree, one-on-one, all these matches?
LarryZ: "Like a tsunami will come in and wipe out Japan, without any notice, it's an unpredictable catastrophe. When Russo came out and hugged Bischoff, it was a disaster for WCW; it caught EVERYBODY off guard. The New Blood was in here, swift, silent, and deadly, but the Millionaires Club, they won't be fooled for long, they won't be caught lying down on the job. They're gonna be back at Slamboree, and they're gonna have a plan. They're gonna have time to put the pieces together, and then they're gonna take apart the New Blood, one by one, piece by piece, just like we did when men were men, and women were proud of it!"
You think LarryZ writes all his own stuff?
The World Heavyweight Title defense of Jef Jarrett is discussed.
LarryZ: "You know, they say 'curiosity killed the cat,' but what really killed the cat was underestimating his opponent, who was a very...large...rat! Jeff Jarrett, because he's the "Chosen One", believed that nobody could come out and take the belt away from him. Well, he found out the hard way, that all is not as it seems in the New Blood. The best laid plans sometimes go awry!"
Footage shows Jeff Jarrett in an interview with ol' "Jurassic Slapnuts" himself, "Mean Gene" Okerlund. Jarrett is jawing about the New Blood being all about opportunity, so he will put an Open Contract for the Heavyweight Title on his door, and the first one to sign it gets the shot.
Jeff gets a taker, is noticeably upset, and demands that Russo "take care of it." Russo is unable to do so, but tells Jarrett not to worry, but to trust him . Jarrett
snorts, and says "Trust you? Yeah, here we go again, J.J. Dillon!"
Scott Steiner is the challenger, and we see footage of the title defense. It's all Steiner from the get-go. Although Jarrett attempts to mount a comeback, Steiner regains the upper hand, and has Jarrett in the Steiner Recliner, when Booker T. does the run-in, and saves the day for Jeff Jarrett.
LarryZ: "Failure is not an option with the New Blood. Booker T. thought about his situation with Bischoff/Russo, and wanted to impress the bosses."
The situation between Hulk Hogan, Billy Kidman, and Eric Bischoff is discussed.
LarryZ: "This is a side of Hogan we've never seen before. Hogan looks like he wants to murder somebody!"
Footage shows Hogan looking for Billy Kidman, raging around, lost in the parking lot (what, again?!).
Then Hogan gets lost in the backstage hallways (yep, again!)
As he goes by a table full of kids, (A birthday party? HERE?!), he stops to pat one of the kids on the shoulder.
Hogan corners Terry Taylor, who tells him that Kidman's been seen around the other side of the set. More footage shows Hogan just clobbering Kidman all over the parking garage. Hogan, typically, no-sells a 2x4 wallop from Torrie, then gets jumped from behind by Kidman when he tries to wallop Torrie.
Meanwhile, Bischoff is standing by the white Hummer assessing the probable outcome of this confrontation. His mind is essentially made up for him, as Hogan puts Kidman in a dumpster, runs off Bischoff, and rams the dumpster several times with the white Hummer. Hogan, still in the Hummer, takes off after Bischoff. We next see Billy Kidman being stretchered out of the dumpster, as Torrie's just a leetle bit more emotional than a thrown brick.
Hogan finds Bischoff back with the New Blood mid-carders, who all promptly disappear when Hogan makes a grab for Bischoff.
Cracka Eazy E flees to the ring, where Hogan finally catches him. Hogan's getting ready to turn Bischoff into a moist spot and a memory, when a baseball bat-wielding Vince Russo comes in to make the save. Only to be shoved to one side by Bret Hart charging the ring, steel chair in tow.
Hogan's about to plant a Big Left Hand in Bischoff's kisser, and he's hollering at Bret Hart to take his best shot, ostensibly on Bischoff.
Hart steps up to the plate, chokes up on the chair, sets, and...
Terry Taylor: "Legend, who swung the chair?"
LarryZ: "Why, Bret Hart, of course."
TT: "Yeah but who did he hit?"
LarryZ: "Why, one of the other two guys in the ring!"
TT: " Yeah, but which one?!"
LarryZ: Can you keep a secret?"
LarryZ: "So can I!"
24 commercials in the first half-hour alone!
Half the show devoted, not to footage, but to SNAPSHOTS, (and grainy snapshots at that!) of the week's previous antics in WCW.
No Power Plant wrestlers.
No Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
If I was flipping through channels on a Saturday night, and I saw this show (WCW Saturday Night), I would never watch "Nitro" or "Thunder" at all!
- Vince Russo, speaking on WCW Live.
See y'all next week.
Mail the Author