/6 May 2000
|WCW Saturday Night by E.C. Ostermeyer
We are twenty four hours from "Slamboree," and this is the "WCW Saturday Night" recap for Saturday, 6 May 2000, and I 'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.
We open, appropriately enough, with the
Wherein the finals of the "NCAA St. Vitus' Dance" competition are interrupted by an overstuffed chartreuse "Saturday Night" logo hogging the dance floor.
Your hosts are Terry Taylor and professional wrestling's "Living Legend," Larry Zbyszko.
Looks like it's "Casual Saturday" on the set, as Taylor's apparently wearing a golf shirt and Dockers
LarryZ, ever the fashion trendsetter, is sporting a colorful "Aloha Shirt" from the fine folks at "Paradise On a Hanger," (check 'em out over at: www.hotshirts.com), along with a pair of free-falling Armani slacks.
Taylor mentions that we are 24 hours away from Slamboree, and the Triple Cage Match involving Jeff Jarrett, Diamond Dallas Page, and current WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette.
LarryZ opines that David Arquette is
"...living the dream; here's a guy who can't weigh more that ninety pounds soaking wet, and he's the WCW Heavyweight Champion. Jeff Jarrett may have the political connections, DDP may have the drive and the focus, but Arquette's got the Title!"
Footage from last (1 May 2000) Nitro begins with David and his wife, the lovely Courtney Cox-Arquette, on the set of "3000 Miles to Graceland."
Courtney, exasperated, says that Arquette is not a wrestler, and that he's gonna get hurt. Arquette replies that he wishes the Title belt fit a little better. Courtney rejoins that the reason it doesn't fit is because "you're NOT a wrestler!"
Arquette asks if "that's any way to talk to the Heavyweight Champion of the WORLD?"
Courtney rolls her eyes, saying "Whooo boy!" and walks off.
Next, we see Mr. Arquette in the ring, accompanied by Diamond Dallas Page and Kris "Champagne" Kanyon. Arquette's apparently raided Jimmy Hart's closet for his ring attire.
Anyway, Arquette's got the stick, and says that, although it's been fun, he doesn't deserve to wear the belt, because he's not a wrestler.
Ergo, he's going to give the belt back, and not participate in the Triple Cage Match at Slamboree. The Title's up for grabs between DDP and Jeff Jarrett.
This brings out Jarrett, Eric Bischoff, and retinue. Bischoff says that things aren't going to be that easy, "champ", because this is WCW, and you don't just relinquish something as prestigious as the World Heavyweight Title without a fight. Thus, it's a Three Way Dance in the Triple Cage for the belt at Slamboree. Arquette looks unhappy.
Bischoff says Arquette needs to brush up on his ring skills, so he's in a tune-up match with Tank Abbott on tonight's show.
Arquette looks REAL unhappy.
Abbott's out to terrorize Arquette. DDP tells Abbott to back off. Abbott says for DDP to step up, or shut up. DDP responds with "Why don't you shut me up, billy goat!" and the brawl is on, DDP with Abbott, Kanyon with Jarrett, Arquette with
Bischoff. Afterwards, DDP says that if Abbott wants a match why not with DDP instead of Arquette?
Abbott says fine, but how's about we make it interesting? If DDP wins, "your little Hollywood punk-boy gets off easy! If I win, Arquette's gonna die, because I'm gonna pull his head off!"
LarryZ says that, in David Arquette, Bischoff and Russo's plan for the WCW World Heavyweight Title has backfired on them.
"Being no longer content to just take back the Title, even when it was offered, Bischoff and Russo are out for vengeance; they are out to destroy David Arquette, and they've got the perfect weapon in Tank Abbott."
Of which we see David Arquette at his day job for 1-800-CALL-ATT. He's wearing a kid's cowboy outfit with squirt gun, and accosting young ladies at the fairgrounds.
Can you say "morals charge?"
We return to Taylor and Zbyszko continuing their discussion of the DDP-Arquette-Abbott angle. Bischoff & Russo had an ace up their sleeve in the DDP/Abbott match, and it turned out to be "Jeff Jarrett, in disguise, like the rat-coward that he is, came out from the crowd behind DDP, and made it a very un-level playing field!"
Footage of the DDP-Abbott match, with Abbott clobbering Page, Page then clobbering Abbott outside the ring, Kanyon and Arquette backstage, locked in the dressing room, pounding on the door. Over the rail and into the crowd, where Abbott punches a trash can, DDP wallops Abbott with the same trash can, then throws him over the railing.
DDP turns around and gets nailed between the eyes with a bottle swung by Jeff Jarrett. Oops, looks like they didn't use the breakaway prop bottle like they were supposed to.
Abbott with a cover, and it's all over. Backstage, Arquette's having hysterics. He asks Kanyon "What does this mean?"
Two words, David:
We cut to footage of Abbott clobbering Arquette. Arquette tries the "Spear" on Abbott, which Abbott no-sells, then continues to clobber Arquette some more.
Shot of DDP driving up to the arena via ambulance. DDP's music cranks up as Abbott's in the ring hollering for DDP to "bring it!"
Backstage, Bischoff tells Jarrett to "...get to DDP right now, don't let him get to the ring!"
Oops, too late!
Diamond Cutter on Tank Abbott, then DDP drapes an unconscious Arquette's arm across an equally unconscious Abbott for the pin.
Sign in the crowd: "Arquette 2-0: Who's next?"
Taylor says that the only person who Jarrett hurt with that bottle was "Mean Gene" Okerlund, and that was because it was HIS bottle!"
LarryZ gives him a look, then says that Bischoof and Russo could have found a better way to get rid of David Arquette than putting him in the ring with Tank Abbott.
"They could have thrown him in a shark tank, or a pit of water moccasins, or into the middle of a 'Blue Light Special" with all those women shoppers..."
(Taylor's cracking up!)
"... putting him on the ring with Tank Abbott was the writing on the wall to Arquette saying "We Hate You!" , and it's time for Mr. Arquette to wake up!"
Taylor: (give LarryZ a look) "Blue Light Special?"
LarryZ: "Oooh, it's vicious!"
Also, there was another pre-Slamboree challenge made by Vince Russo, aimed at Ric Flair and the Total Package.
Footage shows Russo in the ring, with two of the WCW Security "Black Shirts" and the lovely Elizabeth on a short lead.
"Know your role, Liz!" and "C'mon, Lex! Bring it!" are heard from Russo.
Luger comes out with Ric Flair. As they walk down the ramp, Luger starts at a fast walk towards the ring, leaving Ric Flair behind.
At which point, Flair gets waylaid by Shane "Franchise" Douglas and Buff Bagwell, who proceed to beat the stuffing out of him.
Luger, meanwhile, reaches the ring, only to get swarmed over by the "Black Shirts", many of whom look suspiciously like former WCW Power Plant grads (who used to actually WRESTLE on this show, remember?)
Luger gets "maced", handcuffed, and gets worked over by Douglas and Bagwell.
Liz grabs the bat away from Russo, who demands that she wallop Lex. Liz wallops Russo instead, and heads for the back.
The next scene is a livid Vince Russo, holding his sore arm, and invading the ladies locker room to confront Liz. Since the other female occupants of the locker room go shirtless all the time, they start screaming and grabbing for clothes.
Russo tells Liz that it's the last time she disrespects him, and that he owns her. Liz, undaunted, tells Russo to
WHACK! (slap to the face)
"Get out of my dressing room! You don't own me! You may own my contract but you don't own me!"
Russo, with a parting, "You watch it!" leaves.
The new Jackie Chan flick "Shanghai Noon" looks to be a hoot. Best part of the promo is Chan dressed as an Indian, and getting stoned during the peace pipe ceremony. Just hilarious!
Taylor: "Legend, if you were challenged to a fight in a graveyard, do you think you would win?"
LarryZ: "Well, if it was a 'live' guy, it would be a little tougher. You know, the mind games never cease! Mind games used to be part of wrestling, psyching out your opponent. But with Vampiro's mind games are hard to combat, you've got to be in the 5th dimension, just way out there."
Footage of the "Graveyard Match": between Vampiro and Sting, shot in creepy, "fever dream" black & white.
Looks like the "Blair Witch Project," but without the budget.
We see Sting walking through the graveyard, with all sorts of moody lighting, jiggly camera angles, and fog effects.
Tony Schiavone, who's doing voice-over, says that Sting doesn't know that Vampiro is stalking him.
Sting's hollering for Vampiro, who (surprise, surprise!) shows up and starts leading Sting further into the graveyard. Sting hops down from a short rise ("Whee!") and gets a shovel in the face from Vampiro. After a flurry of whacks from the shovel, Vampiro pulls up a "tombstone" and
Sting: "Who are you?"
Vampiro: "I'm the monster you should have been!"
Sting gets it full in the face.
Vampiro rolls Sting into a conveniently to hand open grave, then tosses a wheelbarrow full of gravedigger's tools in after him. Vampiro says something about Sting "checking in, and checking out, then limps off.
Schiavone: "Is this the end of Sting?" as a shot of a hand scrabbling out of the grave is shown.
(Note to WCW Production Team: gravediggers use backhoes these days, instead of picks and shovels.
Of course, tossing a backhoe into the grave, while it might have been more authentic, would have jacked the injury level up to unacceptable levels.)
Back to the ring, and Vampiro's going on about Sting "stepping into my world," when the lights go out, Sting's stroboscopic lighting effects go on, the PA system starts blaring Sting's entrance music, and the (crow-enhanced) NitroVision explodes with Sting's image. Sting free-rappels down from the rafters, with baseball bat in hand, and starts batting practice with Vampiro as the ball. Sting leaves the ring, then thinks better of it, and comes back for some more batting practice. THEN he leaves, the cheers of his adoring fans ringing in his ears.
Back to the studio, where Taylor and LarryZ discuss the Slamboreee match between Billy Kidman and Hulk Hogan. Taylor says that Kidman's writing his own history, to which LarryZ rejoins "epitaph!"
LarryZ expounds further, saying that,
"while Kidman is a great Cruiserweight, he's way out of his league facing Hulk Hogan."
Terry Taylor says that, every time Kidman gets in trouble with Hogan, it's usually Mike Awesome or, more recently, Konnan and Rey Mysterio, Jr. that have bailed him out.
Nitro footage shows Kidman on the stick, demanding some respect from the crowd because he's single-handedly removing the blight that is Hulk Hogan
from professional wrestling. Oh, and Kevin Nash is a washed-up piece of trash.
Not surprisingly, this last brings Nash to the ring for Kidman's weekly beating. Which brings out Konnan and Rey Mysterio, Jr. for the beat-down on Nash. The beat-down goes awry, and Nash cleans house. Konnan and Rey head for the back, then pile in a pickup truck for the getaway.
Unfortunately, somebody's car is blocking the escape route. Nash gets in another car, the better to give chase. When he sees that the chase will be all of ten feet, he climbs out and WALKS over to Konnan and Rey's car, and commences THEIR weekly beat-down.
Note to WCW Production Team: Make sure the stage is set and all props in place before doing a take.
1-800-CALL-ATT reminds you that Nitro will be at the Trans World Dome in St. Louis, MO this Monday, 8 may 2000. Should be a pretty good crowd since the Blues tanked to the San Jose Sharks.
WCW Arena Schedule:
5/7 Kansas City, MO (Slamboree PPV)
5/8 St. Louis, MO (Nitro)
5/9 Springfield, IL (Thunder taping)
5/15 Biloxi, MS (Nitro)
5/16 Lafayette, LA (Thunder taping)
Taylor and LarryZ discuss Hulk Hogan trying to defend his honor against Kidman, only to have Mike Awesome interfere. Then, after the Nitro match, he gets the "Icky Red Stuff" baptism.
LarryZ says that
"Hogan has something more important than a Championship belt; he's got his reputation to uphold. When guys like Kidman and Awesome take aim at the big target on Hogan's back, it doesn't say "Champion", it says "Hogan!"
Footage from Monday Nitro showing Hogan's match with Mike Awesome. Kidman's interference backfires when Hogan yanks a steel chair from Kidman's grasp and wallops him with it. Double bird from Hogan gets censored out. Hogan goes outside to clobber Mike Awesome, and Eric Bischoff enters the ring to revive Kidman. Kidman to the top turnbuckle with the steel chair, and
Hogan gets the chair on top of his head, and does the most blatant blade job I've ever seen. Awesome pins Hogan, who then grabs the chair and proceeds to beat some heads in. A "Local Indy Wrestler" in a Sting mask charges the ring, gets gang-tackled by Security, and hustled out just as Hogan becomes aware of the fracas, and then
Hogan gets a double dose of the "Icky Red Stuff," even more than was dumped on Sting, in fact. Also drenched is one luckless Security guy who wasn't fast enough getting out of the ring
Kidman, Awesome, and the rest of the New Blood locker room are out to wallop on Hogan, and a good job they make of it, too!
Lot's of pent-up hostility released, I'd say, and not just on Kidman's part.
Thunder footage shows members of the Millionaires Club and their allies, (Horace, Kanyon, Hennig etc.) lying in wait for the New Blood's limousine to arrive.
Next, there's a BIG pull-apart brawl in the parking lot.
Russo, furious, charges into the New Blood locker room, demanding why they didn't come out and defend himself and the others from the onslaught.
Back in the ring, Russo calls out the Millionaires Club, and says that if they want a war, they got it. Tonight's matches will be booked via the "Russo Boot" lottery method, with "New York" rules, i.e. no rules or referees at all. Ric Flair, speaking for the Millionaires Club, says that's all right by him, and leads the charge to the ring. A "Pier Six" brawl is underway as we break for these
Ah, a "Screwed" promo. There's something about watching two kids stun-gun Norm McDonald and then kick the stuffing out of him that just sets my teeth on edge.
We come back to LarryZ saying that the "Russo Boot" lottery for booking the matches on Thunder backfired right in the face of Vince Russo:
"Open mouth, insert boot!"
Footage of Jeff Jarrett calling out Kris Kanyon for the first lottery match. The interference is supplied by DDP, who waffles Jarrett with the Diamond Cutter, allowing Kanyon to get the (self-counted) pin.
Kanyon's victory makes Vince Russo very unhappy, and he tells The Wall to go out there and clobber Lex Luger.
Footage of the Wall/Luger match, showing Russo waffling Ric Flair with a baseball bat, as Luger puts The Wall into the Torture Rack, Next, we see Russo walloping Luger in the stomach with the bat.
Russo climbs in the ring and taunts Flair, saying that he wants the "Five Minutes with Ric Flair" to start right now!
The next shot shows the Flair/Kidman match in progress, and the interference by Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr. All three gang-tackle Flair and get a couple of good licks in before the Wolfpac theme music cranks up, and out comes Kevin Nash for the save.
Kidman and Rey bail out, leaving Konnan on the receiving end of a jackknife powerbomb from Kevin Nash.
Whoops, Kidman didn't leave fast enough, as Hulk Hogan clobbers him at the entry curtain. Hogan drags Kidman to the ring and tosses him in, but Rey Mysterio's there to drag Kidman out of harm's way.
And here's Mike Awesome come to bail the New Bloods out.
Oops, that didn't turn out right, as Awesome's the "one" in a two-on-one beat-down at the hands (and feet) of Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan.
Next, we see Sting drench Vampiro in a bucket of "Icky Red Stuff", then toss him into the ring for DDP to nail with a Diamond Cutter. Sting and Awesome are next up, with Sting nailing Awesome with not one, but two Stinger Splashes, then rolling Awesome into the Scorpion Death Lock for the submission.
Russo's backstage exhorting Scott Steiner to bust Hogan up in their match. Yikes!
Hogan's got some help during the match from Hugh Morrus, and Big Poppa Pump's hollering to the back for some help.
None seems to be forthcoming, and Steiner loses the match. Afterward, a furious Scott Steiner's got Bischoff by the neck, demanding to know what happened to all that promised backup?
The next match is a tag team match, with Shane Douglas & Buff Bagwell squaring off against Kronic. It's Kronic that gets the win with a pinfall on Shane Douglas.
Taylor and LarryZ shill for the Slamboree PPV some more, then discuss the Bischoff-inspired brawl at the end of Thunder that pitted the New Blood against the Millionaires Club in a forty-five man "over-the-top" Battle Royal.
A wild affair, this ended up clearing out the locker room, as every wrestler in the company seemed to want a chance at a contender's slot for the WCW Heavyweight Championship Title at the "Great American Bash" PPV.
Footage shows Bischoff and Flair hammering out the details, then the huge pull-apart that ensues.
Next, we see gray leather-clad legs exiting a limousine, and walking to the ring. The legs turn out to be those of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, who seems to have changed into his black leather pants between the limo and the ring.
Note to WCW Post Production Staff:
One word: CONTINUITY!
Savage gets in the ring and proceeds to clean house. New Blood wrestlers are being tossed out of the ring as
We go back to Terry Taylor and Larry Zbyszko who relate that Ric Flair won the match and the contender's slot for the World Heavyweight Title.
Once more about the Triple Cage Match at Slamboree, and LarryZ gets the final word of tonight's show.
As regards the Word Heavyweight Title match:
"There's a wild card in the deck, one David Arquette.
He thinks he's the luckiest guy in the world, but he's entering a realm far outside anything he's ever experienced.
A "Cage Match" for ANY title is like a meat-shredder. But in this match we have one cage stacked on top of another, stacked on top of another.
I think this kid is dead meat. I don't know who's gonna win, but I know who's not going to be living!"
Oh, and just so you don't forget about it, one more promo for the PPV.
My thanks to my friend Cameron for straightening me out as to the entomology of the name "Kronic."
It seems you CAN learn something new every day!
See y'all next week.
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