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/saturday night
/31 July 1999

Saturday Night


Guest columnist: Justin Jones


(with a nod to the Fly) "Hey, didn't you used to be WCW Saturday Night?"

WCW Starfleet Logo (beam me out of here!) TV-G-Y

Opening credits, and somewhere, deep within the Turner complex in Atlanta....people are dancing!

Your hosts are "Superstar" Scott Hudson and "Marvelous" Mike Tenay, who, Hudson is kind enough to point out, is wearing muave. Only two weeks away is Road Wild! Hogan versus Nash! "Highly anticipated", sayeth Hudson. Also, tonight on Saturday Night: an exclusive announcement of Sting's opponent at Road Wild! Sting is the President, but for some reason is working with the WCW Executive Committee. Like Rakim says, "Eric B. is President!"

Disorderly Conduct (will wrestle for food) v. Hugh Morrus (get it?) & Lightning Foot Jerry Flynn (w/Barbarian, Jimmy Hart, and Car and Driver Magazine's Car of the Year Trophy) - Tough Tom and Hugh Morrus are in to start. Lockup, Tough Tom with a side headlock. Morrus pushes Tom off the ropes, shoulderblock. Tough Tom up, off ropes, ducks Morrus' clothesline, off the ropes again, and jumps right into Morrus' arms. Slam by Hugh Morrus, off the ropes, German Goosesteps, elbow drop. Morrus off the ropes again, German Goosesteps again, another elbowdrop. Morrus is now distracted by Mean Mike, and Tough Tom gets him from behind with a jawbreaker. Doubleteam is on by Disorderly Conduct, and Jerry Flynn comes in for the save. Disorderly Conduct whips Hugh Morrus inot the opposite corner, but Morrus meets them on the way out with a double clothesline of his own. Disorderly Conduct are outside the ring. Tough Tom is back in now, tag to Mean Mike, and Morrus responds in kind with a tag to Flynn. Lockup, Mean Mike in the corner, ref break. Lightning kicks to Mean Mike's ribs by Flynn. Chop(whoo!) by Flynn, punch, full arm drag and twist, back kick by Flynn. Mean Mike off the ropes, belly-to-belly suplex by Flynn. Cover, 1, 2, Tough Tom breaks it up. Ref keeps Morrus distracted in his corner as Disorderly Conduct double team Flynn. Hudson talks about who Sting could possibly face at Road Wild. Three clues: scissors, squeegee, softball. Flynn is whipped, off the ropes, double back elbow by Disorderly Conduct. Mean Mike off the ropes, elbow drop. Cover, 1, 2, no. Mean Mike tags in Tough Tom, then holds Flynn by the ankles across the top rope. Tom up to the top turnbuckle, and comes off with the axe-handle across Flynn's back. Cover by Tom, 1, 2, no. Tom whips Flynn, off the ropes, side slam by Tom. Cover, 1, 2, Morrus breaks it up. Tom with the clubbing forearms across Flynn's back, then clocks Morrus on the apron. Eye gauge to Flynn, as ref escorts Morrus back to his own corner. Mean Mike tags in, as Tom sets up Flynn for the neckbreaker. Mean Mike off the top turnbuckle, axe-handle across Flynn's neck as Tom hits the neckbreaker. That's tag-team wrestling! Cover by Mike, 1, 2, no. Scoop by Mean Mike, slam, now Mike to the top turnbuckle. Flying elbowdrop....misses! Flynn is up, sidekick to Mike's head, who falls back into his corner to tag in Tough Tom. Flynn tags Morrus, who bumps Tom back into his own corner. Running splash by Morrus connects, and knocks Mean Mike off the apron. Morrus whips Tom, off the ropes, catches him in the air, and holds him for Flynn's off the ropes spinning heel kick to the head. Morrus to the top turnbuckle, and points to the sky. This is not funny. In fact, it's No Laughing Matter. Moonsault, cover by Morrus, 1, 2, no! Morrus pulls off, and points to Flynn, who tags in. Cross arm-breaker applied by Flynn, and Tough Tom promptly "taps out." (submission, 4:50)

Together, they formed the nWo, but Nash has always been in Hogan's shadow, even though he's like 6'10". Road Wild!

Jovan Body Tonic and Cinn-a-Burst sell their stuff.

Lex Luger poses for pictures, and entices us to come see more every Monday Nitro, even though he hasn't been on in months.

You know what they call a Wendy's French Onion Chicken Grill in France? Neither do I. But I bet they put mayonnaise on it.

Varsity Blues - rent the movie, see the jocks get the girls and the glory.

Twix - two bars, two bars, two bars in one package.

This portion of WCW Saturday Night is brought to you by Wendy's

Gene Mean shills the hotline. Where was Flair last Monday? Watching his son Reid wrestle in Japan, that's where. I hear Reid is gonna shoot on Shane Douglas. Hey, just tellin' ya what I hear, is all.

Mike Enos v. Van Hammer - Scott Hudson is KISS mark. Who'd a thunk it? Lockup, break. Lockup, side headlock by Enos, Hammer pushes him off the ropes, both men down from the shoulderblock. Looks like a missed spot to me. Both men up, circling, Hammer offers the Test of Strengthª, and Enos accepts. Both men chest-to-chest, Enos with a knee to the gut. Fireman's carry into a slam by Enos. Double axe-handle by Enos, whips Hammer, off the ropes, power slam. Cover, 1, 2, no. Enos scoops Hammer, backbreaker. Camel Clutch applied!! Hammer refuses to submit, and hulks up. Enos hops up and lands on Hammer's back, forcing him down. Again, Hammer hulks up, and again he's knocked down by Enos. Remember when the Camel Clutch was the most feared move in wrestling. Yeah, me neither. Hudson: "Enos has got to be at least 280, and it's all solid!" Yeah, except for the flabby love-handles. Hammer hulks up out of the Camel Clutch AGAIN, but this time Enos is crotched on Hammer's knees. Hammer is up, inverted Atomic Drop. Hammer off the ropes, big boot to Enos' face. Cover, 1, 2, no. Hammer whips Enos, reversal, Hammer off the ropes, Enos leapfrogs right into a spinebuster by Hammer. Hammer applies the Cobra Clutch - Cobra Clutch Slam. 1, 2, 3. (3:33)

Performing on Nitro on August 23rd: KISS!!

Visine Tears, Jovan, Motel 6, and Safelite sell you stuff

Doc Brown talks to monkeys, uses 10-10-220

Burger King: BK is for Big Kids, and Jim West

Zapzyt - cause zits are like unto volcanoes

Promotional consideration paid for by the following: Slim Jim, Naya, AOL, Motel 6, Singer Asset Finance

Let Us Take You Back To Last Nitro where Sting for some inexplicable reason saved Hogan's sorry balding ass, and where Hogan, Nash, and Sid moved only slightly slower in these still photos than in the actual match.

Before the nWo...before the Wolfpac...before 4-Life and 2-Sweet were fashionable....there was the garishly-clad Hulk Hogan. Things changed. Nash's hair turned gray, Scott Hall's chest hair grew. Hogan joined the nWo in 1996. At Road Wild 1996, Hogan won the belt, and keeping the belt on Hogan became the primary focus of Hall and Nash. Hell, keeping the belt on Hogan is apparently a cottage industry in Atlanta. Sting won the belt at Starrcade 97. But did he keep it? Noooooooo. The Wolfpac was formed. But did they get a push? Noooooooo. Hogan retired and ran for President. But did he keep his promise? Noooooooo.

House shows galore as WCW travels across the mid-West!

Visine, Snickers, Castrol GTX, WinterFresh, and Jovan: buy their crap, so these commercials will go away

Closed Captioning sponsored by: Meineke

We're back! Tenay gets a "note" from the "Executive Committee" announcing Sting's upcoming opponent at Road Wild. Tenay: "Sting will go one-on-one with the psychotic monster, Sid Vicious!" Hudson: "No way!" Tenay: "Yes, way!"

Al Green (so tired of being alone) v. Curt Hennig (w/ Larry, Darryl, and his other cousin Darryl) - The West Texas Rednecks hate rap...but do they hate the soulful gospel stylings of Al Greene as well? Lockup, side headlock by Hennig. Punches to the ribs by Green, whips Hennig, shoulderblock, but both men still stand. As Hennig talks to Barry Windham, Green clocks him with a double axe-handle across the back. Repeated clubbing forearms by Green, who takes Hennig's head to the turnbuckle. Blatant Choke(tm) by Green, ref break. Mudhole-stomping by Green. Hennig grabs Green's trunks and shoves him outside onto the concrete. Cowbell Fu by Barry Windham on Green. Hennig is out, chop(whoo!), takes Green's head to the railing. Hennig puts Green back in. Green on his hands and knees, soccer kick from Hennig. Another soccer kick by Hennig. Blatant Choke(tm) across the bottom rope by Hennig. Ref break, Green up in the corner, chop(whoo!) by Hennig. Club, club, chop(whoo!), by Hennig, snapmare takeover. Stomp to the head by Hennig, another stomp. Punch, punch, axe-handle by Hennig. Green is up and in the corner again, and Hennig chops him (whoo!). Hennig whips Green, reversal, Hennig off the ropes, and Green conveniently has his head down so that Hennig can hook him for the suplex. Fisherman Suplex, 1, 2, 3. (3:29) Hennig undoes his top straps, baring his chest. He has bigger boobs than Brandi Chastain.

1-800-Collect brings you the "highlights" of the match you just saw

Gene Mean works again! He interviews Ernest "the Cat" Miller (w/ Sonny Onoo), who predicts that he'll beat Buff Bagwell at Road Wild in under 5 minutes. He then tells Gene to shut up. Sonny Onoo speeky Engrish! Oh yeah, the Cat is also the 3-time World Karate Champion, dontcha know.

Dude, don't Bogart the 1-800-CALL-ATT, I've got to post the WCW Road Report!

The pennant race is heating up in the NL East. Can the Braves hold off the Phillies? 7:05 tonight, on TBS!! Bobby Cox won't be there, he's suspended. Watch out, Mrs. Cox, you wouldn't like Bobby when he's angry. - where you can ask DDP questions live, Wednesday at 7 pm EST. But don't ask to bang Kimberly, he probably wouldn't like that

David Arquette gets physical, physical, let's get physical, let me hear your body talk (your body talk) with 1-800-CALL-ATT

Halle Berry chases M&Ms. Whoa, mama!

Greyhound, Coca-cola, Bugs Bunny for Playstation - Buy this stuff

Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following: David Sunflower Seeds, Compuserve 2000, Travelodge, ArmorALL, Miracle Whip, and Viractin

Let Us Take You Back To Last Monday On Nitro where Ducey and Miss Madness talked amongst themselves (Randy Savage is neither Randy, nor a Savage...) Also, Savage tried to catch Rodman before he could abduct Gorgeous George to Vegas and marry her

Kendall Windham & Bobby Duncum Jr. v. Country Superstar Chad Brock

There's no fooling that convenience store clerk - he sells Starburst Hard Candy

WinterFresh! Surge! Tinactin! Must buy...must buy...

Doc Brown invents the flux capacitor, uses 10-10-220

Next on TBS: Phillies v. Braves, The Movie Lounge ("Peggy Sue Got Married"), and "The Freshman"

Mealy Funeral Homes, Royal Pest Management offer their condolences and carcass disposal

Kendall Windham & Bobby Duncum Jr. (w/ Curt Hennig and the Black Widow) v. Konnan Jr. and B.A. (w/ Face, Murdoch, & Hannibal) - Rey: "Orale!" Crowd: "Huh? That's not Konnan!" Rey: "Arriba la raza!" Crowd: "Oscar, why are you speaking Spanish?" Rey: "blah blah blah BA and Rey Rey, blah blah blah 4-Life but blah blah blah blah 4-Ever! But more importantly than all that, Madison Wisconsin is bout it bout it and..." Crowd: "Uh, we're like, white people. No habla." BA and Windham in, lockup, BA in the corner, Windham with knees to the gut. Punch, chop, punch, whip, reversal, Windham into the opposite corner, ricochets out, back body drop by BA. Hiptoss by Armstrong. Armdrag by BA. Whip by BA, but Windham holds onto the ropes. Windham in the corner, Armstrong with punches in bunches. BA onto the second turnbuckle with the 10 Punch Count-Along(tm) . Windham lifts him up and carries him to the center of the ring, but BA lands on his feet. Armstrong off the ropes, and clotheslines Windham. Kneelift by BA. Armstrong off the ropes, but right into Windham's knee. Windham off the ropes, hits the swinging neckbreaker. Windham steps on Armstrong's head as Duncum tags in. Duncam whips BA into the corner, and stomps a mudhole in him. Why is Scott Hudson talking about Keith Hernandez being on "Seinfeld"? Duncum whips BA into the opposite corner, but BA manages to avoid Duncum's running elbow. Hot tag to Rey, who springs off the top rope with a Thesz Press on Duncum. Windham is in, but Rey clocks him in the corner. Rey whips Duncum, reversal, baseball slide by Rey, dropkick to Duncum's knee. Rey off the ropes, mini-legdrop across Duncum's neck. Cover, 1, 2, no. Rey off the ropes, floats over Duncum, sunset flip - blocked by Duncum. Duncum whips Rey into the corner, follows with a clothesline. Stomp by Duncum, whips Rey into the top turnbuckle, and tags in Windham. Stomp by Windham, whips Rey, BIG boot to the face. Rey is almost too short for Windham to be able to hook his arm for the suplex, but he manages a vertical suplex anyhoo. Legdrop by Windham, 1, 2, no. BA is up on the second turnbuckle shouting "Hooty-Hoo!" much to my chagrin. Windham rams Rey into the turnbuckle, then sets Rey onto the top turnbuckle. Windham up on second rope....belly to back! Tag to Bobby Duncum. Stomp by Duncum, whips Rey, off the ropes, ducks the clothesline, off the ropes, into Duncum's clutches and the backbreaker. Cover, 1, 2, no. Duncum takes Rey to the corner, and Windham tags in. Good, if unspectacular, tag-team wrestling. Windham tries a belly-to-back, but Rey does a backflip out of it, and crawls like a puny little midget over to BA for the hot tag. BA off the ropes, forearm to Windham. Duncum in now, but Armstrong clocks him, punches Windham, punches Duncum again. BA scoops Windham, slam, punch to Duncum. BA ducks Windham's punch, thenÑUbiquitous Side-Russian Leg Sweep! Which is funny, 'cause the Armstrongs aren't Russian. Cover, 1, 2, Duncum is there to break it up. Hennig is now in, punching away on BA (DQ, 4:33). Now, Hennig and Barry Windham are working over Rey and BA. Now here comes the No Talent Soldiers (Massive Swoll, Chase Tatum, and 4x4). Damn, that 4x4 is one big African-American. Tenay: "Look at the size of this 4x4! Zybysko calls him the Human Hummer, and he's right!" That is so disturbing that I don't want to think about it.

For the second straight week, we're only an hour due to Braves baseball. Good night! See you on Monday Nitro!

Tonight's winner is Al Green, and he must read the credits in the style of my choosing. I want him to read the credits as....Al Green. "I' in love with you...." Damn, when is this show gonna get credits?

Justin Jones

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission