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Aw, cripes, I accidentally taped over my only copy of "Black Mask"!

This edition of SDW is brought to you by Luigi's Real Italian Ice, Maruchan Roast Beef-flavored Ramen Noodles, Cub Foods 2% Milk, Camel Exotics Mandalay Lime cigarettes(try to find THESE where you live, snack-ass!) and my Sunday morning and night. Enjoy!

Whoa, no Opening Montage for you today, and I almost miss hitting Record as we go straight to the backstage, where Mick Karch stands with an irritated-looking Mitch Paradise to bring you a Special Look At What Happened Last Week After The Cameras Went Off The Air. Last week, Adrian Lynch and Tracey Smothers beat the everloving shit out of Mitch Paradise, hating him so much that they didn't even have the common courtesy to hit a spike-piledriver on him correctly! Smothers has the mic and calls himself and Lynch the Mason-Dixon Connection, and proclaim themselves future SDW Heavyweight Champ, TV Champ, Tag Champs, and just about every sort of champion that two sweaty American men could ever hope to be. Poignant. He then goes on to repeat what his Worst t-shirt design ever said, and punctuates it with a mic shot to Paradise's face. He punches him a few more times for good measure, does a Hacksaw Jim Duggan impression, offers to box a fat fan, joins Lynch in a stompdown of Paradise, does his old FBI Taunt(!!!), hears his discoesque theme music AND HE'S DANCIN'! LYNCH IS DOING THE CABBAGE PATCH! All is right in my SDW world for now as we fade out...

....And back in, where Karch wants to know Mitch Paradise's thoughts on the matter-MP: "*swipes the mic* Tracey Smothers! YOU NO GOOD S.O.B.!!-" and that's all you're getting, as Paradise's promo is too brutal for me to finish, but HERE's the Opening Montage, a good 2:00 later than I'm normally used to seeing it. It gets a longer-than-usual runtime, but we waste no time getting to the...

1st (re)Match: ODB(champion) vs. Miss Natural(challenger), for the SDW Women's Title ODB has her Rhyno face going as she charges the ring and dumps her belt. Miss Natural, crossing a few wires in the match-scripting, launches herself into the corner before ODB gets to her, but ODB shows her appreciation for the gesture by giving her much kickage and a cross-corner whip, and a Stinger Splash! Another cross-corner whip follows, but Miss Natural is ready for this one, and ODB gets flapjacked into the turnbuckle. Miss Natural beats on her in the corner, bulldogging position, up the ropes and takes her over with a...tornado headlock takeover, I guess, for 1. Not bad. They reverse each other and trade lariats, but Miss Natch tries to repeat the headlock takeover and eats a backdrop suplex for her efforts. Whoa, excellent wedgie action on ODB tonight. Trish Stratus would be proud. ODB makes with the shitkicking on Miss Natch, beating her all over the ring and stomping her in the corner as we go to commercial.

Hell-Oween IS TONIGHT! Whoa, they actually spent some money on this spot, so I'll rehash the rundown for you:

  • Magnus vs. Lenny Lane for the SDW Heavyweight Championship

  • Mitch Paradise vs. Tracey Smothers for the SDW Twin Cities Television Championship

  • with "Kamikaze" Ken Anderson, "The Natural" Matt Burns, JB Trask, plus many more. Huh, last night I was only like a mile or so from the action, but I decided to carve some pumpkins instead. Yea, verily.

    Arente Photographie brings you perhaps the worst commercial on the air.

    More local spots, the only one of note being a tribute to Senator Paul Wellstone, who will be missed. Moving on...

    ....ODB out of the corner with a front chancery, hooks the arm, vertical suplex, 2 count. ODB with a Rube Goldbergian facebuster, 1 count, and she pulls up! Miss Natural runs the ropes, ducks a few clotheslines, and gets a sunset flip for 2. An angry ODB mauls her with lariats, stomps and a slam. ODB with the straddle n' punch action, chokes her for a 4 count, and trips over Miss Natch and falls down. Oops. Rope choke and more punches, and ODB has some great punches, very HHH-ish, so I guess she'll be using them a lot. ODB with an Irish whip, head down and she takes a swinging neckbreaker. Miss Natural is fired up and ODB does the Flair Beg-Off(!), but she ends up getting booted anyway. Miss Natural with a slam and some stiff elbowdrops, but only gets a 2. Running lariats keep ODB down, but the third misses and she capitalizes with a full nelson slam! More pounding on the ground, and ODB lays Miss Natural out all spread-eagle and stuff, and goes up for a diving headbutt? Sounds good to me, but noone's home and she splats on the mat. The casino-goers are just happy that she tried, so I guess that's enough. Miss natural crawls over for a 2-count, but ODB takes advantage of her in the corner and puts her down with a neckbreaker for 2. ODB paintbrushes her, but Miss Natural rolls a slam attempt into a small package, 1, 2, 3(6:12 shown)! ODB had her foot out underneath the bottom rope and there's some controversy over the pinfall, but it stands and the lovely Miss Natural(that must be a two-fold joke, as she dyes it black, not that I'm complaining) is your new SDW Women's Champion. ODB is not happy, and makes this plain to referee Jay Soltis as we go to break.

    Feel like your catering bill isn't already expensive enough at whatever special functions you happen to host? Well, Chester, just let the drum-stomached steroid-jockeys of SDW lighten that wallet just a little bit more, as Steel Domain Wrestling is NOW accepting bookings! Woooooohoooooo, wrestlers ahoy! Call 1-800-383-5672 or write to PO Box 1255 Lakeville, MN 55044 for details, baybee!

    Buy Smoke Away, brought to you by the Council on Natural Health! You know, I tend to be bitter about most of this non- or anti-smoking crap(just a wee bit. *holds fingers about a millimeter apart* that much.), until I think about the sort of schmucks I had to deal with when I was a tobacconist back in the day. Yeah, it's okay to have all those self-righteous and self-congratulatory Truth and Target Market ads, especially since they irk those smokers that reinforce negative stereotypes about the rest of us, now if only I could v-chip that bollocky business...

    ....was I going anywhere with that? No. I probably just need a cigarette. Yee!

    And now, a Steel Domain Wrestling Special Report, brought to you by AJ Fontanna(who I know absolutely nothing about)! Apparently it has something to do with a heel turn or something by "Kamikaze" Ken Anderson, perpetrated upon Lenny Lane during Lane's latest title defense, which must have been a dark match, I guess. Anyway, here's some action for ya, joined in progress: Anderson kicks out of a pin attempt and escapes a slam, blocks a right and puts Lane into a fireman's carry, forward roll slam! Ken goes up top and the crowd goes...tepid. Turgid, perhaps? Kenton bomb hits, but Anderson sells a back injury just long enough for Lane to roll his pin attempt over for the 3(:30 shown)! Anderson seems upset, but the champion wants to shake his hand and be all sportsmanlike and stuff. Handshake and a hug, and Anderson raises Lane's hand and makes all nicey-nice for a good long time, they hit respective poses on the turnbuckles(GET ON WITH IT ALREADY), and Lane hops down...smack-dab into a lariat(thank you). Anderson hops around and poses angrily, and here's a sweat-flick onto Lane's prone form. The fans boo and Ken goes face-to-face with a big fat lady...and we cut to an interview he has with Karch and Hellier. He goes through the heely interview motions, Lane is a cheater, the fans are idiots, yes, yes. We go back to Fontanna, who informs us that the whole Kamikaze heel turn may as yet be unresolved, but we've got a whole bucketful of action tonight for Hell-Oween, as the matches are run down(complete with fairly cool match graphics) again, and I notice that Fontanna has a widow's peak about an inch off-center from where it should be! Freakish.

    Follow that bad boy up with another Hell-Oween spot, a Treasure Island spot, a 1-800-BAR-NONE ad featuring that dog(!), a Fort45ive Hockey spot, and that'll do ya.

    2nd Match(sort of): Adrian Lynch vs. Matt Burns Lynch makes with his typical stallnacularity to start with, and Burns encourages the fans to clap along. They exchange heat spots to establish the face/heel roles, and lock up at one minute elapsed. Lynch goes into the corner and stalls, claiming a hairpull or some horseshit like that, but eventually puts Burns into the corner and slaps the taste out of his mouth. Burns charges Lynch angrily as that brilliant camerawork focuses on everything else, and we come back to find Lynch ducking out of the corner. Pretty formulaic Lynch match thus far. Another lockup ensues at two-and-a-half elapsed, and Lynch eventually decides to wrestle, snatching a side headlock on Burns and taking him over. Burns reverses and they repeat the spot a few times, and Burns puts Lynch down with a right and he's bailing. MORE STALLING! UGH! Lynch goes back to the headlock at FOUR minutes elapsed, and a typical Raw match would be over by now. Burns escapes but takes a shoulderblock, but Lynch tries to capitalize and gets elbowed. Dropkick by Burns and a slam, and guess what Burns does next. Just guess. Lynch comes back in and gets a gutshot, and stops a Burns rally with a knee. Lynch redeems himself somewhat with bootlace scrapes to Burns' eyes, and kicks his ass, calling spots all the while, before dumping him. Burns slingshots back in with a sunset flip, Lynch grabs the ropes but the ref kicks his hands away for a 2 count. Lynch pops up with a clothesline, and drops an elbow for 2. Lynch works the chinlock and stops Burns' escape attempt with a hairpull, muscling him down for 2. Burns comes back, slams Lynch and nails a super-high missile dropkick for 2! Burns goes for a backslide and we freeze...and return to see Lynch getting out by way of a trick kneejob. Gutshot and a Lynchdriver, scarily sold by Burns, 1, 2, 3(8:44 shown). Lynch has words for the camera, WESTURN has a replay for you.

    The folks at Steel Domain Wrestling have some free time on their hands. BOOK 'EM!

    Video Professor. I'd buy it, but my computer's CD-ROM don't work no mo'. Rats.

    Well, that was brief. Sorta. 3rd Match(sorta): Lenny Lane(champ) vs. "Old School" Derryck St. Holmes(without the "Derryck" in his graphic), for the SDW Heavyweight Championship of the wooooooorld Lane gladhands the ringside fatties and flexes the pecs, still giving off that "Poor man's Jericho" vibe, while St. Holmes seems to be channeling the spirits of both Lenny and Squiggy with that new haircut. Good lord! Lockup, Holmes tries to establish technical dominance but Lane reverses him right out of the ring and he tumbles to the floor like a jackass. That was awesome. Holmes goes right back in, but Lane single-legs him and grabs a standing anklelock. Holmes reverses the hold so hard that Lane goes flying into the corner, and this is off to a good start. The fans start a chant about St. Holmes and get an "up yours" for their trouble. Good for him. Holmes outmaneuvers Lane and gets an armwrench throw, and keeps him down with a grounded armscissors. Lane reverses but takes a thumb to the eye, escapes a headlock and nails Holmes with a flying jalapeno. Gutshot, axekick or Flameasser(great camera work, as usual) and Lane goes up, but St. Holmes quickly bails. Lane follows him out and gets hung out to dry while Holmes systematically dismantles the leg. European Uppercut puts Lane down and Holmes stays on the leg. Commentators compare St. Holmes to Rey Mysterio, Jr., of all people, which is like comparing Steven Regal to Red in terms of mat technique. I do not get it. Lane escapes with kicks, and a bulldog gets 2. St. Holmes takes the knee out and segues an anklelock into an STF! He releases the leg and forearms lane in the face from camel clutch position a few times, but Lane manages to reach the ropes. Lane fires back and tries to go up, but Holmes catches him and electric-chairs him onto the top turnbuckle! St. Holmes positions Lane's legs around the ringpost, and it's RINGPOST FIGURE-FOUR TIME as we go to break. Foosh.


    Argente Photographie.

    Local Spots.

    Back to the action, and Lane is in the figure-four until the ref can break it up, and Holmes gets the finger from a flabby fan with a Pete Yorn haircut. Who's the bigger loser? FEEL THE TENSION! St. Holmes goes all Marquis of Queensbury on Lane's ass with rights, and grabs a spinning toehold, which Lane rolls up for a 2 count. Lane gets up, and goes down quickly from a Holmes clip. More legwork and a European Uppercut put Lane down, and an elbow and butterfly suplex keep him that way long enough for a forearm-in-the-face pin for 2! Make it a double. Ooh, Holmes does a wicked deathlock/anklelock combo, and just torques the knee while Lane makes noisy pain-noises. Lane tries to come back with rights and gets slapped, but Holmes charges Lane and gets drop-toeholded into the turnbuckle. Holmes goes after Lane again, but takes a sitout jawbreaker for his trouble and they roll around on the mat. Both men beat the 10-count, Holmes with a cross-corner whip but Lane has his charge timed and gets a bodyscissors rollup for 2. Lane with a dropkick to the knee, and LA MAGISTRAL! gets 2. Irish whip on Holmes, Lane puts his head down and gets a European Uppercut, but reverses a suplex into an Edge-o-matic for 2! St. Holmes waggles his finger "no" while Lane goes up, and he gets a missile dropkick anyway, which is not a good thing to do on a bad leg. Dumbass. Holmes gets up and walks into a gutshot, Styles Clash finishes at 11:33 shown. Unsurprisingly, Magnus Maximus runs in and they beat on each other until the entire locker room has to come out and pull 'em apart while the Title Match at Hell-Oween is declared No-DQ. Hey, commercial time!...

    ....yup, there they are...

    ....and here's Tracey Smothers to cut a last-minute promo about how much of Mitch Paradise's ass he's gonna kick tonight, see, because he's rough, tough, and hard to bluff, not to mention the fact that he's guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, bend, break or splinter. Fine qualities for a Television Champeen, which is what he promises to become.

    ....Well, at least he wasn't wearing that shirt again. Thanks for reading!

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