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CRZ Sells Out

New Year's Resolutions



This column originally appeared on It was written 31 January 2000.

As you may have noticed, I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator when I'm not faced with some hard and fast deadlines. (Those of you on the east coast who are saying "Getting RAW and Nitro reports up at 2pm Tuesday shouldn't exactly be considered 'on time,' Zed" - I'm ignoring you.)

That's why, even though it's February, I thought I'd share with you my Fifty New Year's Resolutions.

Of course, they're not, really. The last time I made a New Year's Resolution was about ten years ago when I said "I resolve to stop making New Year's Resolutions" and I've stuck to it ever since. It's the only one I've ever managed to keep. Besides, all the things that people resolve to do are PROBABLY things they should have thought about starting to do a lot earlier than January 1. Self-improvement should not be fixed along the lines of the calendar!

Nonetheless, it fills up a column, so here are my resolutions:

  • I resolve to provide a Nitro report every week - no matter how much it pains me

  • I resolve to provide a RAW report every week - no matter how large the percentage of talking and walking gets

  • I resolve to provide a SmackDown! report every week - but at the rate that show is going, I could probably start rerunning old reports and be about 83% correct about what happens

  • I resolve to provide a WXO report every week - as long as they stay in business, or until I get so bored with it I hand it off to someone else

  • I resolve to find a way to get Galavision lucha libre shows. If my cable company won't pick 'em up, I'll harrass my parents to make tapes for me.

  • I resolve to find some good help with the shows I'm NOT reporting on, instead of the clowns with faulty VCR's that kept volunteering last year (just kidding, Barnwell).

  • I resolve to help Marc Taylor, mdb, E.C. Ostermeyer and especially Chris Jones find some higher profile gigs if they ever feel too big for the [slash].

  • I resolve to change the name of my wrestling website to [stroke] wrestling if I get one more columnist from the United Kingdom

  • I resolve to find some more free time - I used to spend HOURS playing Yahoo! pinochle; now, I think I haven't been there for around six months

  • I resolve to attend every WWO show I find out about - including the ones that only get advertised on the Spanish channel where I'm not expected to see them.

  • I resolve to meet Hector at one of those shows as well, so he can tell me what the heck they're saying when they grab THE STICK.

  • I resolve to FINALLY break down and attend an APW card - but not to tell anybody when I do it so I can be incognito.

  • I resolve to go back to regularly poking fun at all the other online columnists, thereby increasing their hitcounts, pulse rate and inclination to lash back at ME in kind. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

  • I resolve to FINALLY buy a new car - a 2000 Beetle

  • I resolve to keep my 1963 Beetle, however

  • I resolve to work a pledge drive for my PBS station at least once this year

  • I resolve to continue to intermittently appear on Modesto's public access "Star Trek" discussion show, because I'm not ENOUGH of a geek without doing that

  • I resolve to continue to answer more email than all the other online wrestling folk out there

  • I resolve to start calling myself "the Hardest Working Man on the Internet" - if Zach Arnold will let me, since he's REALLY the Hardest Working Man on the Internet

  • I resolve to think about making REAL MONEY off this gig sooner or later

  • I resolve to make it to the final round of qualifying of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" at least once

  • I resolve to visit New York at least three more times in a non-"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" capacity - and if I can't do that, to at least get to Vegas again

  • I resolve to visit Minnesota in late July, if Otto invites me again and the plane tix are cheap

  • I resolve to visit Scaia the next time a PPV is in his area, if he'll have me and the plane tix are cheap

  • I resolve to see my brother in San Diego a couple times as well - the plane tix are ALWAYS cheap

  • I resolve to clear up my citizenship question once and for all and FINALLY get a passport

  • I resolve to reread every book by Douglas Adams yet again - and throw in Douglas Copeland's "Microserfs" for good measure

  • I resolve to go ballistic on Tony Schiavone as he deserves it, and not cop out because he MAY answer email

  • I resolve to learn the names of the three kicks X-Pac includes in the trifecta he performs in EVERY matchup - no kidding, I've got RAW episodes from 1995 where he's doing the same damn thing!

  • I resolve to get laid

  • I resolve to get laid - again

  • I resolve to masturbate a whole lot when I'm NOT getting laid

  • I resolve to finally find somebody who will sell me or make a trade for old episodes of the ":20 Minute Workout"

  • I resolve to bug that Canadian dude who said he would sell me some and then had his postal carrier steal them EVERY SINGLE TIME

  • I resolve to find a copy of Gloria Trevi's "Brincos y Jalones," while I'm so busy looking for tapes of hot chicks in spandex working out

  • I resolve to appear on radio a lot more than I did in 1999 - and flake on a lot less people (sorry, Eric) who wanted me on the radio

  • I resolve to contribute at least "mediocre" original content to EmZee and ShootAngle every one to two weeks - and maybe a few other sites as well. Speaking of original content, I hope that keeping it "original" will set an example for others

  • I resolve to try to score a serious interview sooner or later - I'm sure WrestleLine would be THRILLED to get an interview of ... say ... Chad Damiani

  • I resolve to interview Hyatte, interviewing me - if he's up for it

  • I resolve to hang around the EmZee Delphi forum being generally a pain in the ass (that shouldn't be too hard, eh)

  • I resolve to slow down on my music buying - unless I find lots of stuff I'd like to buy

  • I resolve to continue to help the MiniDisc format succeed - it's digital, shockproof and tiny!

  • I resolve to lose ten pounds - why not, everybody else always says it

  • I resolve to sell my hair this year - for the right price

  • I resolve to get WrestleLine credentials for EVERY event appearing in Northern California - hell, they need to do SOMETHING for me

  • I resolve to finish the "1999 Year in Quotes" before it becomes a bad joke (oops, too late)

  • I resolve to celebrate WrestleLine's anniversary of the WrestleManiacs absorption with something that will piss them off like I've never pissed them off before

  • I resolve to try to take women's wrestling seriously - as soon it's promoted seriously

  • I resolve to make a difference - somehow - in some way

  • I resolve to NEVER write another "bullet points" column again.

    (...unless I'm really hard up for ideas...)


  • BLAH


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