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/26 October 2000

WWF SmackDown!




I GET LETTERS: Kathie Lanman writes: Chris--

I find it very hard to believe that you missed seeing Kurt Angle's black thong in that three-way match. Are you just trying to protect your readers who may have missed it from knowing what Kurt wears under that singlet? I got such a kick out of it that I rewound it two or three times. For the rest of the match, I was just waiting for another low-rider moment.

What can I say? I wasn't looking. By the way, if you write me email, and you're a woman, don't tease me by putting "Thong" in the subject. Ha!

KINGS UPDATE: Normally, I wouldn't care much about preseason stuff, but we DID beat the Lakers, so I'll note the fact for posterity. Season starts SOON!

How strange - no UPN stuff, no One World Leader stuff - straight to Opening Credits - closed captioned logo - and TV-PG-DLV ratings box

And PYRO! And a crowd! We're on tape from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, NY 26.10.2K y transmitido en espanol, SAP (taped 24.10) WWF title on the line, tag titles on the line, but first

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN starts us off. "I came out here tonight to clear up a little misunderstanding with the authorities - basically the law - of what my intentions were with Rikishi this past Sunday at No Mercy. You see what happened, after a spirited contest - after a hell of a competition, I offered Rikishi a ride to the parking lot in my truck. After I got Rikishi out of thetruck, and...he seems to have fallen and couldn't get up...realising I had done all I could do for the man, the cops stop, and when I backed up...and that truck shot forward, they thought that maybe I was trying to run over Rikishi like some big fat (beep) speedbump - NO! That's not what happened. I wouldn't do that, I explained to the authorities, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is not the kind of a man that would bear a grudge like that against another human being. I explained to the authorities that when I broadsided that police cruiser, I'd accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brakes, and it was 100% an accident. And when that truck jumped out of gear, and went backwards, shot back into gear and went forwards and I crashed into that police cruiser again, through it all, Stone Cold Steve Austin refused to press charges on the police officer driving that vehicle. Anyway, they decided today to give me a ride to the police department and uh, brought in on the cases of defamation of property and I said what's defamation of property, and they said basically, Steve, we're getting you for littering. It seems that, you know, when you go down the road and you throw like a hamburger sack out the window, they give you like a $300 fine - when I dumped 425 pounds of crap right there in the middle of Albany, New York, you can imagine the kind of fine levied on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Anyway, we cleared that all up...I made it to RAW, and I would like to thank Commissioner Mick Foley for his understanding and his help, thank you Mick I sure appreciate it. And in doing so, I promised Mick that I would not lay one single hand on Rikishi, unless I was absolutely, positively provoked. I'm gonna live up to this, as long as Commissioner Foley lives up to his word that I got Rikishi's fat (beep) in a steel cage this Monday on RAW. And I'm gonna tell you right here right now, if Rikishi provokes me, Stone Cold Steve Austin, here in Long Island (Crowd: "He said Long Island!"), well let me put it this way - if he provokes me tonight in Long Island, if you think I should just go ahead and whip the hell out of him, open up a can of whoopass, give me a hell yeah!" Crowd: "Rock E!" (Just kidding.) "Then that's exactly what's gonna happen, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so."

Backstage, Rikishi watches Austin walk back up the ramp on a monitor...and strokes his head. "So, you want to get provoked, huh? Hahahaha - right, right."

Well, at least it was a SHORT opening segment...

It's a short two minutes later when Too Cool catch up to Rikishi and tell him they need to let this thing with Austin die. "Are you trying to tell me that you two fools are worried about my safety? Do I look like a man? Look in my eyes - do I have fear in these eyes?" Rikishi says if it wasn't for him, they'd have never made it in the business. He tells them to stay out of his business - and shoves them aside on his way out of the locker room.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP AND LETTER Z: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita and Let Us Take You Back to No Mercy...and RAW) v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Let Us Take You Back One Week) - Since the Dudleyz were the rightful winners of last week's battle royal, the Hardyz are giving them a shot tonight. Matt and D-Von lockup, Hardy waistlock, counter, rollup, 1. Leg sweep by Hardy for 1. Gutshot by Hardy, into the ropes, Dudley hiptoss blocked, turned to a backslide by Hardy for 2. Crowd wants tables. Armdrag takeover by the corner for the tag. Open shot by Buh Buh Ray, right, scoop...and a slam, off the ropes with the elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover, 2. Hardy punches back, right, into the corner, Dudley elbows Jeff but Matt hits a drop toehold, tag, missile dropkick by Jeff. Shot for D-Von, all fours assist to the floor onto Buh Buh Ray with the leg. Warriors of Might and Magic Double Feature! Back in the ring after another kick, Hardy with a right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big back body drop by Dudley. Clothesline. Tag to D-Von. Scoop...and a slam, off the ropes with a legdrop - 1, 2, no. Tag to Buh Buh Ray, open shot, slap, slap, attempt at a whip reversal into the corner, but Dudley ain't movin'. Hardy with two rights, DOES get the whip, but Dudley puts the boot up. Body slam. Dudley on the second rope - senton! 1, Matt saves. Dudley and Matt get into a shoving match, but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas puts him back in his corner. Tonight, Triple H and the Road Dogg team against Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko! Dudley on the second rope...Matt across the apron, but Korderas stops him - but behind his back, Jeff hits him squar'n the nuts. Hardy with a Frankensteiner - and falls across the back for 1, 2, NO! Both men looking for a tag - and both men get it. Duck, right, right, discus right by Hardy, off the ropes, clothesline, 1, 2, no! Into the ropes, back elbow ducked, flying clothesline by Dudley - cover for 2. Whip into the corner, boot up by Matt Hardy, but D-Von stays on him with punches. Climbing up...Hardy punches and shoves him away - legdrop off the second rope. 1, 2, Buh Buh Ray flies in with a forearm smash. Korderas busies himself trying to get him out of the ring. D-Von eats some punches, but ducks the last one and hits the jumpin' Slop Drop...but Jeff comes in with a swantonbomb since the ref's back is turned. Matt manages to roll over and drape an arm across him...but only for 2. Lita starts the crowd cheering - both men tag! Buh Buh Ray with two big clotheslines for Jeff, full nelson atomic drop for Matt, sidewalk slam for Jeff and cover...but Matt saves at 2. All four men in now - D-Von chops Matt out of the ring while Buh Buh Ray slams Jeff and holds him for "wassup." Matt runs at Buh Buh Ray and gets slammed...fortunately, Korderas decides to go check on Jeff so we can have another "wassup." D-Von, get the table. Hey, you know using a table probably won't get you the tag titles...oh, it's a moot point as EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out with chairs and brain the Dudleyz. Aw shit. (DQ 7:06) They hit the ring and brain the champs as well. Play Edge's music!! Replay of the screwjobaroony.

LILIAN GARCIA stands with Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. He can't believe he has to defend his title yet again. "Where's the fairness?" Stephanie says Foley needs to be impeached, and also, lookit her strange cleavage! They walk off...and Benoit walks into the shot with Malenko alongside. "Hello, Lilian." "Hi, Chris." "Oh, you know my name. Well, let me ask you a real *challenging* question: what is my LAST name?" "B--" Benoit holds up a hand for her to talk to. "Last Monday night after I beat Road Dogg, I could have sworn I heard you announce the winner as Chris....Jericho?" "Look, Chris, I'm really sorry. I just messed up. But look, I promise, it is not gonna happen again, and if I could do anything to make it right, believe me--" "Well, you can make it right by coming down to the ring tonight, 'cause after Malenko and I get done with Road Dogg & Triple H, you're gonna announce OUR names as the winners...and this time, you're gonna get it right."

Only in the WWF can they make you think they MEANT to make a mistake.

The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by THQ's "Summoner!" From RAW on Monday, Jericho throws some coffee at Kane...ensuring a bullshit DQ later that night in his match.

All five members of RIGHT TO CENSOR hit the ring for some chattery. "In an effort to desensitize the millions and millions of our fans, the WWF has forcefed every one of you a diet of corruption, greed, vulgarity and scantily clad women! Keeping every one of you hungry for your next plate of immorality... so we all can understand your reactions to the Right to Censor, because quite frankly the truth hurts." "What you are missing, people, is that what you are embracing is leading you closer and closer into the depths of depravity. With every bra and panties match, with every no holds barred, every Hell in the Cell, we, as human beings... we lose a little part of ourselves that we're never gonna get back. Now we, the Right to Censor will continue to fight the good fight, but the World Wrestling Federation will continue to make heroes out of egotism, icons out of vulgarity, and especially it will continue to exploit its *female* talent to garnish ratings. Now I, as a woman, I wanna speak up for all the women in the world, and put a stop to this. There are people in the World Wrestling Federation that continue and help to perpetuate this wheel - this revolving wheel of disgrace. Men like the Rock...with his frequent comments that disgrace and offend women. Now I find, personally, the most reprehensible of the Rock's remarks concerning pie. I'm disgusted by these remarks and I'm mostly disgusted that the WWF doesn't put a stop to it. These remarks should be censored because they are unacceptable." IF YA SMELLLLL comes out to offer rebuttal. Wow, you can FEEL him getting pushed down the card, can't you? "Now the Rock says, what makes you think that you jabrones have the right to tell somebody what to say and what not to say? Have the right to tell somebody what to do and what not to do? Have the right to tell somebody what to hear and not to hear? But before you answer that, Ivory, since you came out here running your mouth about the Rock, and the Rock is the People's Champion...and we're all surrounded by the People...the Rock has but one question and one question only. you like pie?" Ivory makes a shocked face. "We are not hear for you to - we're not incredible edibles, we're not pieces of meat, Rock - we are women, we're beautiful women! That's not what we're about." Now...THAT SLUT CHYNA is out? "Now Ivory. We (meaning myself and probably the rest of the women in attendance tonight) don't really appreciate a self-righteous, uptight, librarian woman who really--" "Chyna, I understand. I understand you're angry, and I feel your pain. I feel your pain because you, of all women in the World Wrestling Federation, you have been exploited the most. Posing nude doesn't make you just makes you cheap!" Hey, how about another entrance? It's MR. ASS...and he's apparently eating some pie. Hey, remember when Rock and Mr. Ass hated each other? "You know, Rock...I like pie." I guess some non-TV-PG stuff was edited here, because we cut back to Richards: "We have tried to advise you, and we have tried to help you see the error of your ways, and if you will not take our warnings under advisement verbally, then maybe you would rather them be physical, because we would like you to come down here later tonight and just see exactly what we think of your humour, your wit, and just exactly how deep our conviction runs." "You see, what you jabrones are failing to realise is the Rock's convictions runs deep as well - so deep, that tonight, it's gonna be RTC against Billy Gunn...against Chyna...and against the Rock. And one more thing, what you jabrones are failing to realise is the Rock has a little saying and it's called Just Bring It, and tonight's the night the Rock is gonna bring it all, IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLALALALALOOOW what the Rock is cookin'."

Backstage, Too Cool and Rikishi appear to have escalated their rhetoric, and Teddy Long and Mick Foley are getting involved. Foley says Rikishi and Too Cool will have a handicap match. Rikishi notes a lack of gratitude from them two idiots, just like the lack of gratitude from the Rock. Tonight he'll kick their beeps, and then he'll call out Austin and kick his beep too!

The WWF Boot of the Week is brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Benoit said a few words - and later, in his match, Dean Malenko provided a crucial distraction to secure him the tapout from Road Dogg.

CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Crunch 'n Munch, Honda ATV's , and Subway!) v. THE NEW MAN & ROAD DOGG - LILIAN GARCIA has taken on ring announcing at Benoit's earlier request. Dogg spends the entire introduction pointing to Triple H. Malenko and Dogg start - did they edit out the opening bell? Feeling out process...Malenko avoids the contact and Dogg complains. Again they fail to lock up. Malenko takes in Benoit. Dogg waggles his knees and tags in Triple H. THEY don't have a problem immediately tying up, at least. I see the Paul Miller fan club is in attendance tonight. To the corner, Benoit opens up wtih kicks and repeated rights, then he turns to referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, asking him to please let him continue to use the closed fist, but that was just enough time to allow H to reverse it and open up with punches of his own. Into the opposite corner, reversed, H ducks the clothesline and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Into the rope, Benoit ducks the clothesline but H hits the high knee. 1, 2, no. Benoit reverses a whip into the corner, pounds the back after he hits sternum first, then hits a death suplex. Tag to Malenko. To the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, forearm, forearm, opposite corner, clothesline, opposite corner, boot up by H. H with a gutshot, going for the Pedigree but Benoit is in - H lets go to punch Benoit, and Malenko gets him from behind. Gutshot, into the ropes, leg lariat, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H. Tag to Dogg - clothesline. Right. Breakin' right. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Dogg says he better call somebody, but Malenko holds onto the whip attempt and drives a knee in the gut - cheap shot for Triple H as well. Benoit in - into the ropes, Dogg ducks the double clothesline as H comes back in - H pops Benoit as Dogg punches Malenko. Benoit and H end up outside at the commentary table - and H takes the table shot. Inside the ring Dogg is into his left, left, left, but Malenko takes him after the juke and jive and tries for the cloverleaf - Benoit puts H into the STEEL steps - Dogg manages a rollup to counter the submission hold attempt, but Benoit is in at 2. Stomp by Benoit - H pulls him out. H takes Benoit to the table, and into the steps. Dogg with a death suplex in the ring. Wiggly wobbly woodly kneedrop by Dogg. PERRY SATURN is out, since Chioda is occupied with Benoit and H on the outside. Forearm for the Dogg from Saturn, and now it's real easy for Malenko to put on the Tejas cloverleaf...and get the tapout. (4:13) Garcia manages to pronounce the correct winners. H hits thering and kicks Malenko out of the hold. Saturn in - H takes him out. H punching away on Malenko and clotheslining *him* out of the ring. Play HIS music! Hey, I think Herb just told me that H just stole all the heat back!

Angle tells Stephanie there's just no justice in this world. Stephanie gives him a great big pep talk and Angle provides us with amusing facial expressions. "Tonight, let's go out there and kick some BUTT!"

"Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos" ad - available where books are sold, and!

Jakks Pacific "WWF Backstage Mayhem" playset ad

To the T&APA office where Test and Trish direct Albert and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box in moving a file cabinet around. Crash comes in and tells them he asked them to leave, now he's telling them - he wants them in a match! He's greeted with laughter. Trish tells them to stop laughing - after all, he's cute! Albert: "How about a hug?" Crash upends Albert's Diet Pepsi and promises that someone's gettin' their butt kicked! You know, saying "butt" kinda loses its sting when you do it in two consecutive segments...

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono) v. ? - "You know something, people? Sometimes life is truly not fair. I mean I can understand why you Long Islanders might be bitter, seeing as the two greatest things to come out of here - the Islanders and Billy Joel - haven't been any good since 1983! Oh, it's's true. But I'm different. You see, tonight I have been told that I have to defend my title against a real tough customer. And I'm not happy about having to face this guy, but I will say this. He is deserving...he is a legend...and if I can get past this man tonight, I know that I will have accomplished something great yet again. With that in mind, please welcome my next opponent, the legendary...Brooklyn Brawler." Hmm, Brawler appears to have COMMISSIONER McFOLEY's music. "Kurt - you know something, Kurt? In addition to being a tremendous champion, you are also a very creative young man, I mean, I saw where you were going with that whole Brooklyn Brawler, New York motif; after all, Brooklyn is in New York and we're also in a part of New York tonight. But I have to believe that you did not consult your atlas - otherwise, you would have realised that we are not in Brooklyn tonight, are we? No, indeed, we happen to be RIGHT HERE in Long Island, New York! And I, better than anybody would understand that, having grown up right here in Long Island, New York! So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna consider that whole Brooklyn Brawler thing null and void, and I'm gonna present you with a historic first one-on-one title defense...right here in Long Island, New York! A much more suitable opponent, Kurt, and I'm gonna present him to you...right"

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - didn't these guys wrestle before, though? Well, sure, not for the WWF title, but... Now, because I've already been burned once by..well, perhaps that's a poor choice of words. Because I've already wasted one segment tonight detailing seven minutes of action only to be snookered by a DQ, and because we got one in Jericho's match on Monday, I'm just gonna lay out here and see if we get anything resembling a clean finish. Then, if we DO, I'll come back and tell you about all this great action I'm blowing off right now. Hey, remember when Trish Stratus was all into Kurt Angle? Whatever happened with that? Well, sure enough here comes WELL IT'S KANE *just* before Angle could tap out to the Walls of Jericho - flying clothesline to Jericho's back (DQ 5:41) - chokeslam. "All this over a cup of spilled coffee?" Kane sets the turnbuckles alight as Angle and Stephanie sneak away.

Backstage, Steve Austin paces like a caged animal.

YAAAAAAAAAH ALBERT (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and 3DO's Warriors of Might and Magic present Survivor Series!) v. CRASH in a hardcore match - oh, it's a hardcore match. Albert meets him in the aisle and pounds him. A lot. Into the ring, hard. Rolled in the ring, and Albert goes for the weaponry. Garbage can lid to the head. Albert getting in the ring and Crash manages to crotch him as he straddles the top rope. People shouldn't go in that way! Crash with a strap - whip! Whip! On the back, choking him with the strap...but Albert tosses him over. Can to the head by Albert. Backstage, Steve Blackman watches in the magic window. Albert whips Crash into the corner, into the opposite corner, yaaaaah clothesline. Crash lying in the ropes - Albert catapults him into the second rope. Albert outside - he's got the steps. Back in - Crash with a elbow, elbow. elbow, kicks the knee, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline and dropkicks the knee. Crash with a trashcan lid - to the knee! Kick to the knee, lid to the knee, lid to the head. Lid to the head again. Kick. Into the opposite corner is reversed, yaaaaah press...but Crash wriggles free and kicks the knee again! Albert has a broomstick - and breaks it over his back. Albert starts to give him a look...Crash looks at the stick parts and decides to do a Blackman impersonation - but Albert catches his atttempt before he can land any stick. Into the corner, Crash gets the boots up, shot to the head, tornado DDT! 1, 2, Albert kicks out. Crash with another shot to the head. Gutshot, lid to the head. Crash moves ths steps between Albert's legs, grabs the STOP sign and...hits the steps. And again. And five more times. Don't know how this hurts Albert, but apparently it does. Crash outside for the fire extinguisher - Albert moves the steps in front of him and blocks the shot. Albert with a garbage can lid. Albert's limping noticably now. Albert with the yaaaaaaah double underhook slam for the pin. (4:37) He's REALLY limping now...

Hey lookit Rikishi! He's pacing around like Austin!

Last Week in Phoenix, the Make-A-Wish Foundation gave the Rock an award for Celebrity Wish Granter of the Year. I guess they cut all the UPN bumpers so they could show this?

JONATHAN COACHMAN asks for Rikishi's reaction to Steve Austin's "misunderstanding" description. Rikishi calls Austin a liar. Hey, he's right! Tonight, he's beating Too Cool down like dogs...then he's calling out Austin. Rikishi is the force here in the WWF! Rikishi promises two things for Austin - he'll be bloodied...and he'll be buried. And it WON'T be a misunderstanding.

Look! Mr. Ass and Chyna are WALKING!

Elsewhere, the Rock is WALKING!

Meanwhile, on Chris Jericho's party island, everyone eats ravioli.

RIGHT TO CENSOR (except Ivory...with Ivory) v. BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E and MR. ASS and IF YA SMELLLLLLL - Chyna appears on MTV's Diary tonight at 10:30! Oops, I missed it. I'm sure it will be replayed six or seven times... Ivory isn't in this match because GOD forbid Chyna actually locks up with a WOMAN. Venis and Rock start. Rock finds himself distracted by Goodfather, and unfortunately ends up taking an elbow in the back from Venis while striking him. Venis all over the Rock. Right, right. Into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with the kneedrop. 1, 2, Rock kicks out. Right. Into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by the Rock. stomp, stomp, stomp, Rock tries to reverse a whip into the Rock Bottom, but Buchanan comes in - now they're all in - referee "Blind" Tim White puts Chyna and Ass back while the four-way stompdown goes on behind his back. Venis with the vertical suplex after all that for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Venis, Venis off the ropes, Samoan Drop by Rock for 2. Tag to Chyna. Kick, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, Venis with a drop toehold. Chyna with a clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Venis to the eyes. Tag to Richards. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke. "Look into my eyes!" White forces the break. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Richards put back to the opposite corner, crappy handspring...splash? Tag to Gunn (we call him Gunn on SmackDown!, you see) - bulldog. Kick, kick, kick, big beal to his corner so he can tag Goodfather. Duck, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Gunn holds on - then runs into a superkick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, tag to Buchanan. Into the ropes by Goodfather, kick, gutwrench - semi-Censorbomb a la Venis - only gets 2. Tag to Venis. Open kick. Right, kick, kick, into the ropes, reversed, duck, double...facejam? Whatever it was, both men are down. Tag to Buchanan, hot tag to Rock! Block, right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, spinebuster,Venis gets a right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT to take him outside - shots for Goodfather and Richards on the outside - Rock Bottom for Buchanan - 1, 2, RTC swarms and breaks it up. Well it's a Pier Seven brawl now as EVERYBODY hits the ring. Gunn takes out Goodfather and Venis with a clothesline while Chyna takes Richards outside. Where's Ivory during all this? Rock catches a kick, dragon screw legwhip, sharpshooter... and Buchanan taps! (5:30)

Austin's still pacing, so don't stop watching!

XFL cheerleader display. Hey, I kinda doubt they'll be wearing outfits like this when it's SNOWING outside.

WWF Backstage Mayhem ad #2

Yesterday, the WWF took over the New York Stock Exchange. Please enjoy this Special Video Look.

RAVEN (with Tazzzzzzzzzzzzz) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - Tazz joins our pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER - and tells Lawler it's time for him to get "the rub. Hahahahahaaha!" Tazz offers King a new joke: "What do you call a pig who loves karate? Pork chop! AHHHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm gonna start calling him "Pete" until he goes back to dressing like a caveman and calling himself the Tasmaniac and fighting Sabu in front of twelve people in a high school auditorium. THAT'LL show 'em. Meantime, I'll be amused by his commentary. Meanwhile, there's a match in this ring between Raven (perhaps I should call him "Scott" until he becomes Johnny Polo again, huh?) and Snow (perhaps I should...okay, maybe I'm overdoing it). Lockup, to the corner, Raven right, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, but Snow holds on, through the legs, pounding, pumphandle back suplex. Superkick. Snow pounds Raven to the outside. Dropkick through the ropes! Head to the barricade. Snow on the barricade - Raven crotches him. Raven with a Russian legsweep into the barricade. Back in the ring, 1, 2, kickout. Raven gouging the eyes, shot to the back, off the ropes with a discus right. Snapmare takeover, dropping down for, stretching him out with a chinlock across his shoulder while grapevining the leg. Into the corner, knee, bulldog, 2. Snow with a head to the gut, again, kick, kick, big kick. Into the ropes, drop toehold from Snow, going outside - springing in with a legdrop. Scoop...and a slam. "Did you hear about the three peanuts walking down the street in Redhook? One got a-salted. AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Lawler: "The first time I heard that joke I laughed so hard I wet my diaper!" Tazz: "Diaper? You had Depends? AHHHAHAHAH MC, Depends!" Cole has a classic roll of the eyes in here, too. Lawler: "I hope I live to be as old as your jokes." Snow's top rope guillotine legdrop misses - Raven tries the snapmare, but Snow counters with a backslide for 2. Right to the back, right, Snow reverses - Dragon sleeper!! Tazz leaves his headset...Snow breaks the hold and looks out, where Tazz is staring down Lawler. Snow outside with a blindside clothesline to Tazz. Ever hear Lawler cheer on Tazz? Back in the ring, but Raven hits the big ol' DDT for the pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Post-match, Tazz joins Raven in a beatdown of Snow. Lawler decides he better join the party. With the numbers even, Lawler and Snow manage to take Raven and Tazz out of the ring. Hey, Lawler and Snow are buddies now!

Too Cool is WALKING! They seem less happy than normal.

Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING!

Buchanan ad - am I in a Buchanan demographic or something? By the way...Nader voters are nothing more than Green Party *kooks* - the sad part is, probably three-quarters of those voters won't even realise it when they cast their ballot because they care more about the name than the party. Vote Libertarian, won't you? Harry Browne wants you to be free!

Chris Jericho will guest host Heat - and Fozzy will be performing!

RIKASHMONEY v. TOO COOL - Steve Austin watches a monitor backstage. Too Cool ain't dancin' down that aisle - quickly they hit the ring and start doubleteaming. Too Cool weigh 438 - only fourteen pounds more than one Rikishi. (Or, if you're Cole, "seven.") Double dropkick takes Rikishi to the outside. Too Cool out - Rikishi with uppercuts to each man, taking them down. Hotty sent into the STEEL steps, Sexay put into the commentary table. Rikishi with a chair - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls it away. Hotty put in the ring - right, right, into the ropes, duck, Hotty tries a sunset flip - buttdrop MISSES. Sexay back in, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Sexay puts up the superkick - Hotty with a superkick - elbowdrop by Sexay, by Hotty, by Sexay, by Hotty, Sexay up to the top, no goggles 'cause he's SERIOUS - Tennessee Jam hits...but Rikishi kicks him out with authority at 2. Hotty with the bulldog. Hotty's gonna go for the Worm anyway - well, guess he's not as serious after all. Sure enough, all that stalling gave Rikishi time to get up and throw a superkick in mid-worm. Austin's still watching. Rikishi drags Hotty to the corner...BANZAI DROP. Hebner ignores Rikishi holding the ropes and counts...1, 2, 3. (2:04) Sexay back in - right, right, right, right, off the ropes, Rikishi catches him in a Samoan Drop. Crowd chanting "Austin" but there's no Austin as Rikishi puts Sexay in an adjacent corner. BAN..ZAI...DROP. Play his music again! Leaving Too Cool completely laid out, Rikishi asks for the microphone...and gets it. "Austin! If you have any guts, bring your ass out here right now."

That's enough for Austin. He starts to leave the room, but as he opens the door, a gloved hand swings a wrench to Austin's cranium, knocking him COMPLETELY cold. Stone Cold, even!

"Austin - get up boy! You're the big bad Stone Cold Steve Austin! Come out here! Come on, Austin. Come out to plaaay. Austin - crawl, crawl and come out here. Come here, Austin! Come on Austin! Crawl like a dog!"

Austin's forehead has been bloodied, and he's crawling...and now staggering to his feet, makins his way to the ring.

"Come on Rattlesnake. Come let's play! Come on!" I hear glass - Rikishi up the aisle to head him off. Still don't see him...Rikishi to the curtain...but he comes back out with Austin throwing rights! Rikishi punches back! Austin's down! Austin's rolling! Down the ramp we go - Rikishi right, right, kneedrop, kneedrop, crowd chants "Let's go Austin" as they hit the ring. Block, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, KICK WHAM - oh, no, Rikishi shoves him off - RIKISHIKICK! Rikishi drags him over to the corner - don't tell me he's gonna....OHHHH YES - BAN...ZAI....DROP!!!!!!! Play HIS music! Austin has been bloodied - and now, he was just buried. "RIKISHI'S A MONSTER!"

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