You know, I'll bet if there'd been a poll two months ago along the lines of "what news topic will clog up wrestling message boards the most in the month leading up to Summerslam, not a single person would have guessed "Steph McMahon's measurements". If she really DID get the surgery... I can only say that the mixture of insecurity to take notice of a derogatory sign in the crowd (memo to Steph- heels get derogatory signs, y'know?), coupled with apparently having no problem being written as mocked for getting the surgery done... see, this is why I refuse to buy that something's no fishy about this. Who said there was nothing educational in wrestling? THIS is a lesson in psychology!

UPN! LIVE!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Wait a minute - isn't this like, the RAW is WAR opening theme from three years ago? In any event, it's a new set of Opening Credits...and a new logo...SMACKDOWN!

I GET LETTERS: And now, a VERY special contribution from the Cubs Fan:

Killing some time. So, like, here's the opening sequence for Smackdown.

If I just say someone's name, know that it's one of those black and white (but not really) flashing shots. Somtimes they use shadows to make only part of the body visible (in most shots, the left side of the body is completely obscured), and there are variations where they zoom tight in on the head, or on the area just around the right eye. Instead of driving myself nutty, the person is listed once no matter how many different variations they show at once. Also, the light flickers to create seizuers, I figure. If you've seen the commericals for the show, you know what I'm talking about.

close up of the logo
Steve Austin.
close up of the logo
Undertaker.
zooming in on the logo
Undertaker.
behind and zoomed in on the logo
Undertaker.
logo
Undertaker.
Shane McMahon.
Kurt Angle.
A sliver of someone's face on the left side of the screen - hard to make out
A similarlly hard to make out body shot of someone.
Chris Jericho.
Jericho's entrance video
the Rock, the first totally visible (and probably not especially shot for
this open) clip
Edge.
Angle.
Booker.
Austin.
Torrie Wilson.
Kane.
Rhyno.
The Rock, watching him from close behind as he walks (to the ring?)
Smackdown Logo.
Crowd shot of Rock posing on the ropes (one of the few TV shots used)
Smackdown Logo
Shane yelling to someone, zoomed in shot
Kane beating on DDP, while Mike Awesome waits to be tagged in (house show?
to dark to see the crowd)
Jeff Hardy doing the Swanton Bomb on someone, while Matt Hardy and (I think)
Mike Choita watch on.
Lights and maybe part of the logo
Undertaker chokeslamming Awesome. (Part of that last match?)
Undertaker chokeslamming DDP. (Part of that last match?)
Undertaker's arm, reaching of for a tag (see above)
Rhyno (w/ECW shirt) beating on someone in the near corner while a fight goes
in on the far corner.
Two torso and heads fighting, with the owners of those body parts not being
apparent.
Matt Hardy's head doing the pre-legdrop yell
Albert's head yelling
Booker T, getting an Olympic Slam from Kurt Angle
Faarooq clotheslining Chuck Palumbo
Chris Jericho flying onto someone we can't see
Chris Jericho feeling pain in the corner.
Lita coming off the top rope and on to Bubba Ray Dudley for a 'rana
D-Von Dudley going somewhere.
Bradshaw, I think, in pain.
Triple H, back towards us, during his entrance.
Booker T hitting someone with a dropkick on RAW.
Jeff Hardy hitting D-Von Dudley with the corkscrew moonsault.
The Dudleyz giving someone the Wazzup headbutt.
Kane setting of his fireworks
A view of Kane's entrance from the top of the ramp on RAW.
Bradshaw, I think. Tough to tell - could be X-Pac, maybe.
DDP.
Billy Kidman.
Triple H, during his entrance.
Austin.
Kurt Angle.
Torrie Wilson.
Chris Jericho.
Lita
Edge
Sean O'Haire.
Undertaker.
Stacy Keibler.
Kurt Angle.
Booker T.
Austin - zoom in to his eyeball to lead to
the Smackdown logo.

Count on it...

Dig that PYRO and that GIANT FIST - we are LIVE from the E-Center in Salt Lake City, UT and transmitido en espanol SAP - oh and did I mention we were LIVE? It's 16.8.1 and with SummerSlam just 72 hours away, you KNOW it's on...oh, and at WWF New York, too

TONIGHT: 1st Austin Invitational! Whatever THAT is...

First man out is SHANE CAN'T DANCE - MAN that is a swank set - chyron gives you the TitanTron video in the lower left corner in addition to the now requisite website plug. Let's see if Shane's upgraded his interview skills to match the set and graphics. Tonight: WWF tag team titles on the line. "I can't believe I'm actually here in the state of Utah." Crowd: "He said Utah!" "I mean, this state doesn't have a lot goin' for it - but you are famous for two things. One is....polygamy. And the other is your beloved Utah Jazz. You see, the Utah Jazz and Booker T have a lot in common, except one huge, and I mean absolutely enormous difference.... (Are they chanting "Utah" or "You suck?") "No, that would be the Jazz." ("You suck" I guess) You see, Booker T knows how to win championships - and you see, this is something that is totally unfathomable to all of you, because when you actually win a championship, then you are able to defend that championship - and that's exactly what's gonna happen this Sunday at SummerSlam, when Booker T *successfully* defends the WCW championship....against the Rock. So let's take a trip down memory lane, let's go back to just last Monday night and show you what happened last time Booker T and the Rock hooked it up - yeah, let's see the Rock, oh there it is - Shane O Mac, right there, he wants a piece of the Rock, ready to take out, no but Booker T wants the whole thing, and look right there THERE IT IS OH YEAH BOOK END - forget about it! Oh and check it out, BOOK END, ohh Booker T the man, the WCW champion. There's your beloved Rock, look at him! But you know what? Videotape does not satisfy me enough, so guess what, I'm calling you out - I'm calling out the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today.....BOOKER T!" T's music now begins "Can U dig it? Sucka" and continues "Can U dig it - suckaaaaaaaaaaaaa...." Well, I suppose it's better than "Don't hate the player, hate the game..." but not much. The Book End on the chair has already made it into the entrance video. T on the ropes and hitting a Rock-esque pose with his belt - a fact not lost on Cole. T asks for the mic...and receives it. "You suck!" "FINALLY... the Book has come BACK to Utaaaaah! You know as I stand here, the only thing I can think of..." "Rock E!" "...the only thing I can think of, is the millions...and the millions of the Book's fans....and the Book-- you hear that? You hear that? And the fans are chanting his name." "Rock E!" "You better say my name right, sucka! And speaking of names, WHO? "Ass hole!" "WHO in the blue hell are YOU?" "My name's--" "It doesn't matter who you are! But I tell you what does matter, Shane. If there was no Booker T, there wouldn't be no Rock. Everything the Rock has, he stole it from Booker T. The People's Elbow...hell, what a joke! Everybody know that the REAL most electrifying move in sports entertainment IS the spinaroonie..." and he does it. "And the Rock Bottom? Everybody knows that's a cheap imitation of the move that took him out on RAW - the Book End! And more importantly, everybody knows that Booker T has the most BEAUTIFUL haird- hairstyle in this business today. And as far as that little comment the Rock made last Monday about Booker T and school, well let me tell you something, the Booker Man was a straight-A honour roll student, Mega Cum Latte, can u dig it, SUCKAAAA. And as far as Sunday night - SummerSlam, nothin' - and the Book means NOTHING - is gonna stop the Real People's Champ from walking down the People's Ramp and layin' the smacketh down on the Rock's candy(beep)!" T positions the mic appropriately. "If ya smelllllllllllllll what the Book.....is cookin'."

Now, see what happens when you arrive late? Rock - is WALKING! - has missed ALL of that.

Commentators shill "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

IF YA SMELL is out for a rebuttal. (We're LIVE! by the way.) Let's see...two segments...no sign of any wrestling yet. Maybe we were fooled by the liveness into thinking it *wouldn't* be just a pay-per-view infomercial? "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Salt Lake City! Booker T, congratulations. Last Monday night, you gave the Rock not one but two Rock Bottoms - the very last one on a steel chair. And Booker T the Rock has also heard that you have another name for the move - another name in which you call...the Book End. But you see, Booker T, the Rock wants to make sure that you perfectly understand...that the name of the move isn't called the Book End, nonononono, the Rock...the Rock wants you to understand what the name of the move is called, because it's the very same move that you're gonna get this Sunday at SummerSlam, the very same move you're gonna hate this Sunday at SummerSlam, and the very same move that's gonna allow the Rock to walk out a winner this Sunday at SummerSlam! You see, Booker T, the Rock knows you're here - he's heard about you running your mouth, and the Rock also knows that you consider yourself and honour roll student - well why don't you come out and allow the Rock the honour of whoopin' your candy(beep) all over Salt Lake city!" NAPPY T & SHANE CAN'T DANCE are out...but stop at the top of the ramp. "Shane...this sucka just called me to the ring. He didn't say that. Tell me he did not just say that." But before things escalate...a cheap ripoff of Mr. Perfect's music plays, which can only mean SHAWN STASIAK is out. "Booker, Booker, Booker, Shane, guys I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've been just told by Stone Cold Steve Austin himself that I've got a ton of potential...and I know if just given the opportunity, I would do something that these people would never forget. So what do you say, Booker, let me go down there right now and make an example of that Booker T wannabe! I know I can do it, just give me that chance--" "Booker T! The Rock has no time to listen to this crap--" Stasiak lets out a yell and rushes the ring...whut?

IF YA SMELL v. SHAWN STASIAK - Rock right, Stasiak right, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, into the ropes, attempted reversal, Rock adjusts his sunglasses, then swings Stasiak round and pulls him into Rock Bottom - Jack Doan on the case - 1, 2, 3. (0:20) Rock asks for the mic again...then pauses for the chant from the crowd. "Now before the Rock was so rudely interrupted...Booker T, Rock just wants to say this. The Rock is issuing you a three-day warning. THREE DAYS from this day forward, you're gonna walk the face of the earth. Three nights from this night forward, from this Sunday night, the Rock is gonna...walk in SummerSlam, the Rock is gonna...walk out WCW Champion. But you see, Booker T, that's Sunday. The Rock called you out here, 'cause he's got a great idea, the Rock has got a fantastic idea....for tonight. And it's an idea that even you can understand. Live, first time ever, on the Rock's show, live, on SmackDown! the Rock is challenging you to a match - first time ever - Lights Out match. Lights Out match, Booker T, the rules are very simple - there are no rules. No Alliance, no WWF, no rules. Booker T and the Rock - Lights Out." "No rules. No Alliance. No WWF." "All right, sucka - YOU'RE ON!" Shane isn't too happy his man has gone along with this. "You and the Rock - Booker T, no Alliance, no WWF, no WWF (oops) title on the line, just you and the Rock, Booker T, turn out the lights...because the party is over IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALOWWWW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'."

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2

Subway presents the Slam of the Week! From RAW, Tajiri does that thing with the mist...and defeats Albert.

TAJIRI & COMMISSIONER REGAL v. X-FACTOR - Regal and X-Pac start - feeling out process - side headlock by X-Pac, Regal powers out, pulls him back and htis a headlock of his own - X-Pac powers out, Regal shoulderblock...off the ropes, X-Pac hooks his arm, gutshot, leg over the head, flippy flippy, but Regal comes back with a European uppercut that puts him down. Arm wringer by Regal, forearm smash by X-Pac to get out of it. Into the ropes, reversed, big back elbow by Regal. European uppercut. Arm wringer, kicking the back of the leg to get him on his knees, tag to Tajiri for an open kick. Tajiri with a hammerlock - X-Pac reaches back and jumps, rolling forward for a headlock takeover (Cole: "nice armdrag") - X-Pac ducks a clothesline, Tajiri ducks a kick, X-Pac FAILS to duck the big kick to the head. Gutshot by X-Pac, shot to the back, into the ropes, Tajiri ducks, Tajiri off the ropes with a dropkick to stop X-Pac in midleap. X-Pac tags out as we get our first look at the new (now unnamed) Double Feature. Tajiri is feet of fire as Albert comes in...finally Albert gets sick of taking kicks and barrels him into the corner, kick, right, right, shoulder to the gut, shoulder, shoulder, into the opposite corner, press...but Tajiri wriggles free and goes back to left kick left right kick kick kick right left kick left right kick and so on. Off the ropes, ducks a swing from Albert, and lands a thrust kick right on the jaw. European elbow, three of 'em - into the ropes is reversed, Albert knocks him down. Albert with an uppercut - into the corner, yaaaaaaaaavalanche. Scoop...and a slam. Albert going for a ... VADERBOMB but misses - tag to Tajiri. X-Pac comes in to head him off - Tajiri ducks and lands a superkick. Huracanrana! Albert to the back - into the ropes, but Tajiri changes it into a handspring elbow off the ropes! Albert ends up backing up, and tripping over X-Pac in the schoolboy position. All four men in now and it's all breaking down. Regal's forearms aren't having much effect on Albert, though - he shoves him aside so he can break up Tajiri's would-be tarantula on X-Pac. Regal back on Albert - Repeated forearms, then knocking him outside. Regal follows - but Albert ducks and lands the bicycle kick. Back inside the ring, Tajiri slides under X-Pac, kick to the midsection, winding up for the KICK, but 'Pac ducks, shoves him into Albert, who connects with the Baldobomb, and I don't think he's getting up. 1, 2, 3. (3:32) Replay of the finish.

We look at Austin...and his wife. "Steve, are you sure you wanna go through with this?" "'Areyousureyouwannagothroughwiththis?' What? Yeah, I'm sure I wanna go through with this, Debra! You know how big this is? How huge this is? The eve before SummerSlam? The first ever Stone Cold Steve Austin Invitational? This is huge." "Huge." "Come in." It's...Earl Hebner? "You wanna see me?" "Yeah, I did wanna sing you. What? WWF on your little chest, are you proud of that?" "Yes, I am." "It makes me sick. Do you see this clipboard." "Yes." "What?" "Yes, sir." "I want you to take this clipboard...I want you to take it into the WWF locker room, and I want you to tell anybody that wants to...to sign it. To see if any of those supposed *superstars* - what? - SUPERSTARS can graduate from Stone Cold University. Do you understand me?" "Yes, sir." "What?" "Yes, sir." "Take the clipboard, and tell 'em to sign it. I wanna see somebody graduate tonight. Get outta here."

Drowning SummerSlam Pool spot

Hey now, it's the RC Cola Rewind! From RAW, Edge gets the duke...but he AND his partner get hurt knees in the process

Earl Hebner presents the clipboard to the locker room (roll call: Crash, Hardcore Holly, Scotty 2 Hotty, Kai en tai, Spike Dudley, K-Kwik and Essa Rios - almost all wearing SummerSlam T-shirts: suckups) - Kurt Angle barges in. "This is for the first Austin Invitational tonight. To graduate from Stone Cold University. Well I want Stone Cold to know that I'm gonna be the first name on this list."

Meanwhile, Christian admires his reflection in the King of the Ring cup. Here's Edge. "Dude, did you hear?" "No, what?" "There's a signup sheet going around for the Austin invitational...and I was thinking of puttin' my name on it." "Your WHAT?" "Yeah." "Dude...we have a match against DDP and Kanyon tonight for the WWF tag team titles. We have a chance at becoming eight-time tag team champions - the octopusses of the WWF!" "Actually, that's octopi." "Yeah, I know. Anyways, you're willing to defend the honour of the WWF against Austin - the man that defected to the Alliance - with the WWF title? I think someone's being a little selfish here. You need to get your priorities straight!" Then he takes Edge's trophy and walks away.

Meanwhile (3), Stacy and Torrie feel each other's muscles (hmmm) - and here comes Ivory. "Hey, ladies! Don't you know why I joined the Alliance? I am a three-time WWF Women's Champion, and I have what it takes. And I know I can teach both of you what it takes to survive and prosper in this industry. The Alliance will have the most competitive, athletic, toughest female superstars in all of sports entertainment, and our first task - our first task will be Sunday night. Sunday Night Heat - the three of us will take on Jackie and Lita. Hey! Don't you show your fear in front of me, you two can do it! We can pull this off! We are the females of the Alliance! Lemme hear ya, can you do it? Can you do this thing, come on gimme five, let's go! Let's go get 'em!"

Here's your exterior - WOW WHAT A PARKING LOT!

Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Steve Austin delivered a pep talk...and Tazz suffered a beatdown

Back (4) to the Room of Fun...and the Austins: "As far as I'm concerned, Tazz got exactly what he had comin'." "Oh, I thought you did the right thing." "You're finally startin' to learn what the Alliance is about, I'm so proud of you. Leadership by example, Debra. Come in!" Hebner's back. "Mr. Austin, there's a whole list of WWF superstars that wanna participate in the Stone Cold Invitational." "Oh there's a whole list of WWF superstars - what? - well gimme the list! Everybody signed it? Is everybody happy? What? I guess the easiest thing for me to do is pick the first name on the list if everybody signed it." "What?" "GET OUTTA HERE! Copying my damn lines." "I can't believe it!" "Well let's see what we got..." Austin and Debra check the list....and react with facial expression

TONIGHT: 1st Austin Invitational! Actually, it's NEXT!

It's the WWF and it's LIVE! Tomorrow, it's Las Vegas! Saturday, Fresno! SummerSlam is Sunday in San Jose, and RAW takes place at Arco in Sactown!

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ has joined MICHAEL KING COLE & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL - he has a personal issue with Stone Cold Steve Austin, a personal interest in the First Ever Austin Invitational, and he's gonna bide his time and pick his spot. Then he chews out Paul - "don't come out here and sell that crap - NOBODY does that to me." Austin destroyed his manhood on RAW...

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring, clipboard and belt in hand. The TV-PG-DLV and "transmitido en espanol SAP" logos appear, which probably means we'll take this to the second hour (it's ten 'til). Heyman leaves the commentary are to join Austin and WCW official "Blind" Brian Hebner in the ring. "I'm with ya. If you don't mind, Stone Cold, I just wanted to buzz you. You know how much I've been looking forward to the Stone Cold Invitational....but that guy, Tazz, has been knocking you ever since he's been sitting at that desk. He has been saying some very, very disparaging words towards the WWF Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin. But - as a favour to me, don't let him get underneath your skin, because I can assure you Steve, that everybody here tonight, and everybody at home is dying, is DYING to see you show leadership by example with the very first Stone Cold Invitational." "Thank you. Thank you very much. Stone Cold University is now in session! As a World Wrestling Federation champion, and leader of the Alliance, tonight, right here In This Very Ring. Right here In This Very Ring, I intend to teach someone how to become successful in this business. To become successful, you have to understand the fundamentals. You have to start with the basics. That's what I will display tonight in this ring. If ya master the basics, maybe someday, you can become as successful as Stone Cold Steve Austin, so allow me... The easiest way to do this is to start with the first name on this list." Austin turns the clipboard upside down. "SCOTTY 2 HOTTY - come on out, Scotty! You signed the paper, come on down. You wanna learn the basics? You wanna learn how to become famous like Stone Cold Steve Austin?" Hotty is wary, but comes out. "This is the best the WWF had to offer? You're the best the WWF had to offer? Look at me when I talk to you! No offense, Scotty, but you're not even in my caliber! I didn't expect to see you out here - I didn't expect you to even sign the damn paper! You know what I expected? What? Do you know what I expected? I expected Kurt Angle's name to be on this list. He didn't even sign it! So here you are. And you wanna become successful like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Look atchya. Look atchya." Crowd: "Scotty!" Austin lifts Scotty's lid. "You're pathetic. I'm gonna teach you how to become successful? What? I don't think so. You're never gonna be successful in this business, Scotty! You understand me? What? I said you'll never be successful in this business! But you know what? Look at me when I talk to you. You kinda remind me of Kurt Angle. You kinda have that - that look in your eyes, that look of arrogance. You remind me of Kurt. You know what this reminds me of? What? Do you know wht this reminds me of? It reminds me of SummerSlam. It reminds me, this coming Sunday. I see the fear in your eyes right now. And when Kurt Angle walks down this aisle on Sunday, look at me, I will see the fear in his eyes, just like I see the fear in your eyes. I smell fear. You're afraid of me, aren't you? Look atchya. Your knees are shakin'. You're knees are shakin' just like Kurt's. Kurt's knees'll be shakin' just like this. He's a nervous wreck! Look at me. What? Look atcher chin. Your chin's quivering because you're nervous - just like Kurt. You're afraid of me. You know - you know in your head that you're facing the biggest superstar What? the biggest superstar in the history of this business, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and it scares you! What? I said it scares you! Do you know what I'm gonna do to you, Kurt? Do you know what I'm gonna do to you when that bell rings, Kurt? Do you know what I'm gonna to do you? Am I gonna lock up with you? Huh? No I'm gonna start whippin' your (beep), that's what I'm gonna do to you, Kurt. I'll be all over you like a cheap suit, Kurt! What? I said I'm gonna whip your (beep) - and there's nothing you can do about that, is there, Kurt?" Austin is so in Scotty's face that he's basically pushing him aronud the ring now. "You can sit there, and you can talk about your gold medals, and you can talk about how successful you were in the Olympics, what? When I start poundin' you this Sunday, Kurt, when I start poundin' you, you're gonna beg me to stop, and I won't...do you know why? Because I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin. I am the World Wrestling Federation champion. What? I said I'm the World Wrestling Federation champion. I want you to look at this." Austin puts the belt against his head. "What? Look at this. Do you see that? Huh? Spin around so everybody can see it like you? Do you know what that is? That's the World Wrestling Federation championship, that's what it is - that's what it looks like - that's what it smells like. What? That's as close as you'll ever get to being the World Wrestling Federation champion with Stone Cold Steve Austin here in the World Wrestling Federation. Do I make myself clear? You know what, Kurt? Before I beat you Sunday, before I beat you Sunday, before I beat you Sunday, Kurt, before I pin your shoulders to this mat, do you know what I'm going to do? Do you know what I'm going to do to you, Kurt? Look at me, Kurt. You're gonna bleed. You're gonna bleed for Stone Cold Steve Austin. You're gonna bleed for the Alliance. You are gonna bleed for the World Wrestling Federation champion. I will POUND your head until you bleed for Stone Cold Steve Austin, and while you're layin' there, you're layin' there in a pool of blood - I will stand over you. And you will know that my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America - and to the Republic, for which it..." Scotty's finally had enough, and comes off the rope with his version of the bulldog. Hotty starts the dance - W - O - Austin pops up, runs over and forearms him down. Stomp,l stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Austin mounts him and punches away - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, KICK WHAM STUNNER - stomp, stomp - KURT ANGLE runs out as Austin kicks Hotty out of the ring - Austin and Angle exchange rights - Angle with a double leg takedown and firing away - Austin rolls over - Angle rolls back - Tazz is up from the commentary table and into the ring, where he will no doubt give us the shocking swerve by attacking Angle - come on, NOBODY shouldn't see this coming - Tazz pulls Angle off - TAZZMISSION! Oh, what a shock. Tazz adds the body scissors, opening up Angle's chest for Austin to stomp away. Here comes FOUR OR FIVE WWF GUYS - Austin and Tazz take off through the crowd, leaving Angle clutching his neck.

MOMENTS AGO: See previous paragraph

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up with Angle. "So that was the Austin Invitational. THAT was the Austin Invitational. His name's Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well MY name is Kurt Angle! And this Sunday, I'm gonna do the same thing I did in the 1996 Olympics. I'm bringin' the gold back home, where it belongs! And as far as tonight, that little stunt Tazz pulled? Well I'm issuing a challenge to Tazz tonight. And I'm gonna take him out tonight, and this Sunday, Stone Cold Steve Austin's goin' down, and that - is - true!"

ROB VAN DAM (with Let Us Take You back to RAW - and SummerSlam graphic: van Dam v. Jeff Hardy) and RHYNO (with Stephanie Can't Act - and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. JEFF H ARDY and CHRIS THU RSDAY JERICHO - It's gonna be Jericho and van Dam to start. Lockup, side headloc by Jericho, van Dam powers out, shoulderblock by Jericho - off the ropes, leapfrog by van Dam, back to back and over, van Dam grabs the waistlock but Jericho hits the ropes and shoves him back - ducks a clothesline, ducks a kick, flying jalapeno lands. Free shot for Rhyno, back to van Dam with a swinging neckbraeker. 1, 2, van Dam kicks out. Tag to Hardy - open double sledge from the top rope. Arm wringer, van Dam kicks and reverses. Hardy nips up, into the ropes, van Dam with a superfluous backflip over Hardy, Hardy ducks the clothesline, waistlock, standing switch by van Dam, Hardy with a back elbow to break it up, then off the ropes with a (waits for van Dam to drop down) front flip backsplash. van Dam's playing possum, though - pulling Hardy into the turnbuckle and making the tag. Kick by Rhyno, right, right, right, right, wow this is MUCH easier to describe - into the ropes, Hardy slides under - Rhyno grabs a leg, but Hardy lands a mule kick with the other - tag to Jericho! Right, right, chop, chop, kick, kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner, but Jericho gets the boot up - Jericho to the second rope...but Stephanie grabs his ankle, preventing him from doing anything - Rhyno in with a shoulderblock! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, off the ropes with a running knee to the face. Tag to van Dam. Open kick. Kick. Into the ropes, reversed, but van Dam holds on, making sure the dropkick misses. van Dam off the ropes, forward roll into a somersault senton - 1, 2, nope. Boot to the head. Elbow, shoulderblock, again, superfluous backflip, running shoudlerblock. Gutshot, into the opposite corner, elbow to the back as he backs out, going for a suplex but Jericho goes up and over, grabs the waistlock, and hits the German suplex! Both men are down - Hardy and Rhyno each reaching for a tag. Tag to Hardy! Clothesline for van Dam, right for Rhyno, double leg takedown for van dam, Hardyhomberhooey legdrop, sitout jawbreaker for Rhyno...then using van Dam's all fours as a springboard into a dropkick on Rhyno, taking him out of the ring! Back to van Dam, forearm in the back, whip into the corner is reversed but Hardy leaps to the top and hits the Gay in the Gay on him! Too bad Rhyno's back in - Hardy turns back round as van Dam rolls outside - there's the GORE! GORE! GORE! Jericho off the top rope with a missile dropkick on Rhyno! Rhyno rolls out and Jericho follows - that's three men outside - meanwhile, van Dam is under the ring and found a ladder. He sets it up atop the bottom rope - looks like a seesaw is coming - van Dam leaps from the turnbuckle - WHACK ladder (sorta) in the face. van Dam climbing back up - Fivestar frog splash - 1, 2, 3. (5:15) That's TWICE they've tried that ladder spot and twice it hasn't looked so great. Maybe they should give up on that spot. van Dam points to himself...then sees Jericho standing in the ring and hotfoots it outside. Stephanie, however, is still in the ring - Jericho is giving her a look (as if to say "damn, girl, I think absolutely EVERY wardrobe choice you made tonight is just so WRONG") Stephanie backed into a corner... Wait, Rhyno up from behind - but he misses Jericho, AND misses Stephanie. Stephanie manages to get out of the ring. Play Jericho's music, 'cause he LOST! Replay of the frog splash (no hope for the ladder shot, see).

Our commentators talk about Angle's challenge to Tazz.

We go to Tazz, who's wearing a black towel over his head - oh boy. "Somebody better remind Kurt Angle that when he was undefeated at the Royal Rumble, he got choked out. By who? Me. Somebody better remind Kurt Angle that there's a guy around here that he never beat. And who's that guy? Me. And somebody better tell Angle that Stone Cold Steve Austin is talking, and who's he talking to? Me. Angle...I accept your challenge tonight. And I will take you out on behalf of the Texas Rattlesnake. And Angle, you will become Just Another Victim, because I'm Tazz - the guy handpicked by Austin. Beat me if you can, Angle...survive if I let you."

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - commentators talk about the ladder, but you can bet the replay is of the frog splash

Lita and Matt check on Jeff. He's okay "but I'll tell you what's not okay, though - this Sunday at SummerSlam, it's just a hardcore title match. RVD wants to pull out ladders? He wants to raise the stakes? I say we raise the title. It's not just gonna be a hardcore title match - it's gonna be a hardcore ladder match - Hardy Boyz style."

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Corn nuts, Clearasil, and Stacker 2!) v. KANYON and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Diamond Dallas Page on ByTe ThiS! tomorrow) - Page and Edge tie up, hammerlock by Page, reversal, Page with the back elbow, off the ropes with a shoulderblock, up and over, Edge with a Viscera kick to put him down. Tag to Christian - into the corner, Edge on all fours, Christian with a crossbody splash, Slop Drop gets 2. Page with a knee, forearm in the back, and tag. Kanyon runs into a knee in the gut, Christian with a clothesline, hot shot, shoulderblock off the ropes, 1, 2, Kanyon kicks out. Into the ropes, reversed, Page from behind, Christian turns round and punks HIM out, back to Kanyon, right, right, ready to go off the ropes but Page lowers the bridge. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick misses all this as Kanyon is keeping him occupied. Christian's head meets the mat...and he's rolled back in for Kanyon. Head to the buckle. Whip into the opposite corner...Christian gets the boot up and Kanyon goes wacky with the oversell - Kanyon in again - another boot to the mush - Christian runs at him, but Kanyon manages a GREAT Northern Lights suplex and bridge...but only for 2. Tag to Page. Page punks out Edge to keep him from tagging in - Christian with a gutshot, again, another right to the gut - off the ropes, ducking Page's clothesline, but not the sleeper slam (ooh!) which gets Page 2. Into the ropes, Page wants the sleeper again but Christian counters with an almost-Stunner jawbreaker! Both men down - both men tag! Here comes Edge! Right hand! Right, clothesline for Page, dropkick for Kanyon, ducks a swing from Page, Edge-o-matic - spear for Kanyon! 1, 2, Page saves. Christian over on Page - Patrick works to get Christian back in his corner, meanwhile Edge has the small package on Kanyon - but Patrick doesn't notice. Page rolls the pile over - Patrick over - 1, 2, Christian pulls him out! Running clothesline for Page out on the floor as well. Christian grabs a couple of chairs on his way back in - they set up on Kanyon...but LANCE STORM runs out with a superkick for Edge! Christian gives chase, and they're both gone. Page, meanwhile, is putting Patrick back in the ring as Kanyon drapes an arm over Edge - 1, 2, NO! Kanyon again pulls Patrick's shirt to keep him looking his way - behind Patrick's back, Page gives Edge a Diamond Cutter, then scoots so Kanyon can cover. 1, 2, 3. (3:47)

Rock is warming up - you know what that means...

TONIGHT: 1st Ever Lights Out Match - The Rock vs. Booker T!

And now, the Hardcore Smack of the Night, presented by Corn Nuts! From RAW, Taker and Kane use the cage and expose Palumbo and O'Haire for the frauds that they are

Coachman stands backstage - the camera pulls back to reveal he's between Kane, Taker and Sara. "What are my feelings, huh? Well up until this point, I've been extremely (beep), hey but I'm dealing with that right now. But how am I feeling? I feel like I need to make an example of some one. No no no, not just someone: I need to make an example out of Diamond Dallas 'oh my God is the Undertaker gonna kick my ass on Sunday' Page. You see, Page has got me puzzled. You see he come out here and he says 'I want you to make me famous.' So what's he do? He stalks my wife. Then he assaults my wife. And then he gets off by takin' pictures and puttin' it in a shrine of my wife. Well, it sounds like to me - I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong, that Diamond Dallas Page wants to get famous for gettin' his ass kicked by my wife. And believe me, Coach, before it's all said and done, it will happen. See I don't think that ah - that Page has studied his WWF, because if he would have, he would have known what I do to people in cage matches - it ain't pretty, and Sunday, it won't be any exception. And that brings me to Kanyon. You know, I'm confused on why a young man with so much promise would want to get locked in a cage with this. See, it just ain't smart, Coach. In my opinion, it's a bad career move. Because really, who badder than Kanyon? You see, so those boys, they better enjoy that little victory they got tonight, because in three days at SummerSlam, they are in for an old school beatdown. And Coach...(removes glasses)...inside the cage, there's no place to run, and there's no place to hide. It's gonna be ugly. Now we're outta here."

Lookit WWF New York!

Inside are the A.P.A., who drink beer. Faarooq dusts off "Guess what," just like the old days, then they throw a little....poetry? "You see, this beer here is for this Sunday. You see, we got a little surprise for those backstabbers like Test and the Dudleyz." "Ha ha ha - to the Dudleyz and Test: Test, what a horrible ass name. Did you come up with that, or is yo momma to blame? But come Sunday, Spike and the APA, on the stage they call SummerSlam. We're gonna kick your ass so bad the only thing the people will be able to say is..." "Damn." They yuk it up. I guess they've had A LOT of beer

Tazz tapes up! In subdued lighting!

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle - is - WALKING!

SummerSlam spot #2

Tough Enough spot

Look! The Ecstasy Center marquee!

TAZZZZZZZZZ (with the Dudley Boyz & Chuck Palumbo & Sean O'Haire & Test) v. KUR T ANGLE (with Taker & Kane & Sara & Albert & Well It's The Big Show & Tha 1 Billy Gunn) - No sooner has *Angle's* backup arrived than a quick look up at the top of the ramp reveals STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Angle devotes all his attention to Austin...allowing Tazz to punk him out from behind to begin the match. Angle fires back - right, right, right, into the ropes, clothesline. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Tazz throws Angle outside...and follows. Head to the STEEL steps by Tazz. Right, right, overhand right. Angle rolled back in. Tazz still in control - head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, Angle switches positions - right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, boot up by Angle - but runs right into a head-and-arm Tazzplex. Boot to the head by Tazz. T-bone Tazzplex. Tazz laying in the badmouth - forearm across the face from behind - another one. Into the ropes, Tazz with a clothesline. Pausing to stoke the crowd's booing. Tazz lifts Angle up - but he breaks it up, right, right, right, intot he ropes, reversed, but Angle comes off with a flying jalapeno. Whip into the corner, no reversal, no that's countered - Angle pulls Tazz into a belly-to-belly! Angle ducks a clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Tazz counters into the Tazzmission, but Angle breaks THAT up (Cole: "Kurt Angle - with wrist control!") drops down and hits the Olympic Slam - 1, 2, 3! (1:21) DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Angle looks RIGHT at Austin and dares him to come on down and get him some. Austin registers disbelief - almost as if to say, "What?" Here he comes, down the ramp - Angle parting the ropes for him...but Austin stops short....and walks back...only to stop again. Maybe he IS coming into the ring after all - or maybe he's just getting Angle to keep his back to Tazz, who's back up - right is blocked, Angle puts him down with one punch - but it's just enough time for Austin to hit the ring - right, right, right, right, KICK WHAM NO IS CAUGHT - Angle keeps the foot, wrenches Austin around and cinches in the Anglelock!! D-Von Dudley and Chuck Palumbo get on the apron - Angle shoves them off - Austin makes his escape as the ring quickly fills with everybody else. The WWF has the numbers, and clears the ring. Play Angle's music again!

You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!

SummerSlam promo #3 - as in 3 DAYS AWAY

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago

Commentators fill time by describing the rules of a Lights Out match (namely, none). Why is Heyman still wearing an Anarchy Rulz backstage pass? Talk about living in the past! Man, there's only eight minutes left in the show - can they afford to keep jawing like that?

The lights are out!

NAPPY T v. IF YA SMELLLLLL in a First Ever Lights Out Match - the lights are back up! Thank God, we'll be able to SEE! Rock sprints out and the cameras almost miss him. T misses, Rock right, right, right, into the ropes, but T reverses into a back elbow. Rock nips up - right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! T outside - Rock after him. T into the security rail. Right. Up the ramp we go - right by the Rock. Oh man, they're gonna destroy THIS set ALREADY - T manages an elbow, then throws Rock into a "mirror" piece of the set. Rock stumbling down the ramp...T in close pursuit...Rock with a spinebuster on the ramp! Rock parts T's legs, says a little prayer, and hits him where it hurts him! T does some rolling down the ramp. Rock picks him up by the best hairstyle in the business as we take the replay of the spinebuster. Back to ringside - Rock takes T to the STEEL steps, back first. Methinks Earl Hebner protest too much given that there are no rules. Rock is over to the commentary table - and doing a little redecorating. Running clothesline back over to T. Head to the timekeeper's table...and now they're on the commentary table. You will remember the name of the Rock Bottom - NOOOOO SHANE O. MAC is out - and there's an uppernut for the Rock. Shane hands Rock to T - ohhhhh you will remember the name of the BOOK END...THROUGH THE TABLE! Crowd chants "Rock E" as we take a replay - Shane was under the ring, we are told - must have snuck out while the lights were off. Booker T's music plays as Shane calls for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment - and T obliges! Did T win? I mean, he didn't PIN him, but.... (? Around 4) Another replay of Shane inserting himself in this match...and allowing T to make the big move. Don't forget: Tough Enough is NEXT!

CRZ
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