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Happy Birthday, James Kalyn!

UPN! Thursday!

TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

The Beautiful Opening Credits - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OH NO THE GIANT FIST IS EXPLODING! WE ARE LIVE ("Recorded Earlier" on my screen - killjoys) from the Pepsi Center in Denver, CO 23.8.1 and SAP! transmitido en espanol - everybody brings a sign to UPN's SMACKDOWN!

TONIGHT: A big six man - Rhyno, Test & Booker T vs. APA & Rock!


TONIGHT: Kanyon vs. Angle! But what about NOW?

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM v. JEFF H ARDY in a return match - Yeeha! Hardy slides in the ring, van Dam grabs an ankle, Hardy hits a mule kick. Waistlock, standing switch, Hardy drops down with a rollup for 2. Crucifix by Hardy for 2. Small package gets 2, van Dam reverses for 2. Both men up for the *dramatic pause* - forearm by van Dam, Hardy fires back, van Dam, Hardy dropkicks the knee. Hardy kicks the knee, into the corner is reversed and Hardy pulls up clutching his back off the impact. van Dam goes right there, kicking the back. Forearm, kick, into the ropes, reversal, van Dam ducks, Hardy grabs the leg, ducks the enzuigiri, and hits a dragon screw legwhip (!) and now it's *van Dam* limping as he rolls outside the ring. Hardy with a pescado! Everybody's outside now, and referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas follows. Hardy going under the ring as we grab the Clearasil Replay (I guess "Double Feature" is dead). Garbage can in the ring, broom in the ring, van Dam in the ring after a punch from Hardy, Hardy in the ring. Hardy kicking the back of the leg - going for a spinning toe hold but van Dam kicks him away...Hardy right back over to kick the knee again. Kick to the back of the knee, broom to the back of the knee, whack again...van Dam lifts his leg to make the third swing miss - van Dam with a kick in the back. Broom dropped, van Dam's got it - backbreaker using the broomstick in the back as well. Each man has picked a body part - van Dam with a stomp. Head to the buckle, three shoulder drives in the kidneys - superfluous backflip - and one more shoulder in the back. van Dam outside - back in with a chair. Kick, right, every shot to the back - into the corner, dropping the chair before going into the front flip, and there's a monkey flip out and Hardy lands on the chair. van Dam goes outside and introduces a table at ringside. Hardy is having trouble getting up - van Dam back in - stomping the kidney, another stomp in the back. Hardy sat on top - van Dam with an overhead kick. van Dam to the apron, kidney punch, kidney punch, climbing up - he's not gonna suplex him through that table - he's NOT gonna - no, Hardy counters, kick in a sensitive area - WOW! A Frankensteiner from the very top as van Dam ends up crotched! Hardy covers - 1, 2, NO! Clearasil says thanks for the spot so we can replay it. Hardy with a clothesline that takes both men outside. Hardy says "hmm, we need the twelve foot high ladder in this match - I hope there's one under this ring" and WOW there it is. van Dam trying to grab the ladder away - Hardy just sandwiches him into the apron. Ladder 'cross the body. Hardy puts van Dam on the table - right, right, right, right..well, here he goes, climbing to the top - I don't think this move EVER works - Hardy standing on top - SOMERSAULT SENTON...MISSES!! The table pretty much explodes on impact. Clearasil with the replay. Korderas is calling for help while van Dam shows "concertn." Here's Mike Sparks, Tony Garea, and Chris the Trainer Dude Whose Last Name I Don't Know. And now a couple EMT's. Why won't van Dam pin him? I guess he isn't much of a heel after all. Hardy doesn't want the stretcher - they'll help him walk away. Holy cats, RAVEN inserting himself with a garbage can lid across the back of Rob van Dam's head! Looks like a 24/7 thing, as Jack Doan is with him - and now they're all in the ring - van Dam into the corner, running knee, bulldogged out into the chair (Cole: "DDT") and now Raven is just waiting for van Dam to get up. Finally, Raven picks him up on his own - EVENFLOW - sorry, "Raven Effect" - 1, 2, NO! Raven mounts van Dam and punches away - now repeatedly ramming his head into the mat. Head to the buckle, van Dam sat on top - Raven up from behind - head to the top of the post - van Dam manages to lean over and grab the garbage can lid and swing back to Raven - another shot and Raven falls to the centre. van Dam with the Fivestar frog splash - man, this dude NEVER jobs - no no, I was talking about Hardy this time - 1, 2, 3. (9:06) "Stop it! Stop the music!" Oh boy, it's STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT! "What is - what is going on here? I'm in the back - I'm in the back getting fitted for my brand new hat - and I see the members of my own team fighting each other! Raven - Rob - what the heck are you guys thinking? We're on the same team! We're one family! I did not spend MY hard-earned money on the Alliance to see it fall apart! Now, you two get up - get up, you're not hurting that bad, get up - get up and shake hands like gentlemen! Come on, Raven. Come on. The two of you shake hands, we're one team - ONE team - we're a family, shake hands!" But instead, Raven shoves him. van Dam shoves back. "NO! NO no! Stop!" The sound of breaking glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN & MRS. AUSTIN - Austin is so unhappy, he shoves the ladder over on his way to the ring. Raven gets a shove - van Dam gets a shove as well. Austin grabs Stephanie's mic (GOD BLESS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN). "What the heck GET OVER HERE....what the hell do you think you guys are doing? Look at me! Huh? What do you think you're doin' RVD? What? He started it? What? We're supposed to be a group! We're supposed to be together! Huh? Kurt Angle - Kurt Angle ruined Austin Appreciation Night last Monday - well you guys are making an embarrassment of the Alliance tonight. It makes me sick! You're not SHUT UP what? I said shut up. You think I'm gonna come out here and watch the Alliance crumble right in front of my eyes? Oh no I'm not gonna do that. It will not crumble in front of my eyes - what? That's right. Kurt Angle can pull all the little - GET OFF MY BELT - Kurt Angle can do everything he wants, but he will not destroy the Alliance. Do I make myself clear? Do I make myself clear? What?" "YES SIR." "And I want both of you guys to get out of this ring - get out of my ring, and take your little butts to the back, and act like respectable Alliance members. What? I said get outta here. If I hear about you fightin' in the back, I will come find you. What? Now get outta here." Before van Dam leaves, though, he takes the time to tell Austin that he's Rob van Dam, and points to himself. "GITOUTTAHERE! AHHHH EHHHHH EHHHHHHM - What? Get. Kurt Angle can try to embarrass the Alliance as much as he wants, but it don't mean a damn thing to Stone Cold Steve Austin. What? I said it don't mean a damn thing to Stone Cold Steve Austin. You will not make an example-- you will not embarrass Stone Cold Steve Austin. You will not embarrass the Alliance. As far as I'm concerned, it should be Austin Appreciation Day 365 days a year. What?" Stephanie takes the mic back. "Steve, the Alliance does appreciate you. *I* appreciate you. And truth be told, every single one of the fans in this arena appreciates YOU!" The Y2J countdown appreciates him too - I guess. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out to extend this segment...and this paragraph! "Stephanie, I would appreciate it if you would *please* SHUT THE HELL UP! You know, I know the Alliance would be here tonight - I knew you'd be in full force - after all, you do boast the deadliest weapon known to mankind within your arsenal - I've got evidence of it right here, roll the footage!" (Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday when the Alliance had a singalong) "Stab me in the brain with an ice pick - I surrender, I surrender! If I wanted to endure something that excruciatingly rotten, I would've eaten one of Debra's cookies instead! But you know what, Steve? I, too, have a little tribute song that I wrote myself. And I'd like to sing it for you right now. Did you ever know that you're a jack(beep) / the biggest one I've ever seeeeeeeeen... Man, my throat got a little bit parched, it's a little bit dry - Austin, you got any beverages, you got anything to drink, whaddaya say, Steve...GOT MILK?" (Let Us Take You Back to Monday Again) "What's up with the long face, junior, don't you know you never cry over spilt milk. But you know I had an ulterior motive for coming out here tonight, Austin. Apparently, Kanyon has challenged Kurt Angle to a nontitle match, so that means that you're free...tonight. So what do you say that, oh, I don't know - you have a match with Y2J...for the World Wrestling Federation championship right here tonight on SmackDown!?" "You know you come out here with that stupid little run down Stephanie, you talk about my wife's cookin', you come out here and you sing the praises of Kurt Angle for ruining Austin Appreciation Night?" "Y2J!" "What? What? What? What? What? You think you're so special that you come out here and you deserve a title shot with Stone Cold Steve Austin? What?'re asking for a title shot...Stone Cold Steve Austin will put the title on the line! Just not tonight. What?" HAHA AUSTIN RULES "Yeah, if you didn't hear me - no title shot. You want a match? You little long haired piece of trash, you got it, but you don't deserve a title match, and that's the bottom line. What? .... What?" "Austin sux!" "So you're saying you WILL have a match with Y2J tonight, but just not for the WWF Championship." Austin vigorously shakes his head. "No." "All right. Well after tonight, after I do beat your (beep) in that ring...that's gonna make me the #1 Contender for the WWF Championship. And remember this, Austin - when all of these Jerichoholics....are cheering and screaming, remember, they're not booing you - no, after they found out about your newfound love for milk, they're gonna be chanting MOOOOOOO." That's the cut, hit his music! Wow, we just burned a half hour outta this show.

Tazz smuggles Stacker 2 - but wait! I thought he was a member of the Alliance?

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Adidas and Foot Locker! From RAW, we take a quick look at the twelve man tag, which was capped by Big Show's ... umm, that move he does. I forget

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & THA 1 BILLY GUNN - The Dudleyz appear on ByTe ThiS! tomorrow, by the way. Gunn runs ahead so he can quickly become WWF in peril - into the corner, double punch. D-Von gets a swing on show as he climbs onto the apron. Gunn into the corner, boot up, off the ropes, clothesline, off the ropes, up and over, Bubba Ray with a shot in the back, D-Von with the clothesline. Stomp, stomp. Boot to the lower abdomen. Going for the spinning toehold (what is it with that move tonight?) but Gunn kicks him into his corner, so he tags. Bubba Ray with a death suplex - and another shot for Show, making sure that he gets angry enough to keep referee "Blind" Tim White distacted. Bubba Ray with an open-handed slap. Right, chop, right, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, swearing for Show, stomp. Tag to D-Von - snapmares him over - off the ropes with a big legdrop. 1, kickout. Edge defends the intercontinental championship tonight! Tag - into the ropes, two heads down - Gunn kicks Bubba Ray and DDT's D-Von. Hangman's neckbreaker for Bubba Ray and all three men are down. Can Show get that tag? Yes, he can. GUNN FLOP! but he gets the tag on his way down - Show Diesels in - clothesline for Bubba Ray, clothesline for D-Von, Bubba Ray, D-Von, avalanche for Bubba Ray, big boot for D-Von. Show outside - Show CLIMBING TO THE TOP?? Going for a Savage elbow - but MISSES! Bubba Ray tosses Gunn to the outside, then holds Show for the headbutt to the graun. Gunn into the ropes (crowd chants "3D"), double flapjack. Double gutshot for Show, into the ropes - Show says "you ain't liftin' ME" and Bubba Ray gets nothin' but air. Forearm in the back for D-Von. Gunn back up - Fame-Ass'er for Bubba Ray - Show with ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - I don't think he's getting up. 1, 2, 3. (3:33) Wow these guys need some belts STAT.

TONIGHT: Ivory vs. Lita!

HEY! The Rock! He's walking! He asks a random guy for directions to the APA, and before he continues... "You new? The Rock." And he offers a handshake. "My name's--" "Ah ah ah..."

WWF stands for We Want Funds! Wanna drop a quick $39.95? They'll send you three videos, three trading cards, and a T-shirt! "Break Down the Walls," "Kurt Angle It's True It's True" and "TLC Tables Ladders and Chairs" are offered. Call now 'cause operators are standing by! (Well, probably sitting actually.)

There's no experience like experiencing the WWF LIVE! Tix on sale Saturday for Columbus for RAW, Dayton for SmackDown!, Baton Rouge for RAW, Mobile for SmackDown!, Indianapolis for RAW, Moline for SmackDown!, and Ottawa for RAW!

Rock finds the APA offices, studies the door - and then walks right around it (sacrilege!). "You hear somethin'?" "I didn't hear a thing." "You know you coulda knocked on our door, you walked right through our wall!" "What wall?" "That's the door right there, man, the door." "That wall, that's our door - it's our office!" "How 'bout a knock?" "This is your office." "Yeah, like that. You weren't raised in a barn!" "Watch the Rock." Rock walks back over and knocks on the back of the door. "ROCK!" "I'll be doggone. What's up, man?" "Great job at SummerSlam, the Rock is back!" "I'm proud of you, brother, the WCW title is finally where it needs to be." Amazingly, Faarooq fails to add "you know, I held that title eight years ago." Rock is given a beer and dealt a hand. They're gonna lay some smack down all over Denver tonight. Rock lays down his hand - four aces and a deuce. Rock tells them to keep the money, he'll just take the beer. "DAMN!" "How'd he do that?" "He cheated, man."

Meanwhile, Edge is on the phone with Grandma Edna - Christian wants to talk to her, but she hangs up on him - that callous bitch. "Hello? Hello? Stupid thin air." Christian says he was just in a meeting with Commissioner Regal and he can ensure that Edge will leave Denver with his intercontinental championship - namely, he had his match cancelled and replaced with a tag team title shot - they can be the octopusses! Edge interrupts Christian's "eight times" dance by asking "doesn't that mean we have to face Undertaker & Kane?" "Dude, we've beaten them before....haven't we? We must have. We've beaten everybody. Listen, it's gonna be great (to the trophy) and I'll see you later."

Meanwhile (3), Palumbo, O'Haire, Credible and Guerrero have gathered around Kanyon, proudly displaying his title belt, and even prouder that their leader (Austin) has selected HIM to take out Angle. Palumbo says that nobody cares about Olympic Gold - besides, only *amateurs* can win Olympic Gold - and his match tonight is in the bag. "Who better than Angle?" "Kanyon!"

So you're telling me that "O" is a remake of "Othello?" OHHHHHHHH I GET IT

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by RC Cola! From RAW, everybody sings...until Angle unleashes the awesome power of milkomania

KUR T ANGLE (with Clearasil presents Unforgiven!) v. KANYON in a nontitle match - you know, *TNN* doesn't have to put a "Recorded Earlier" up on the screen - it's kinda like saying "wow, the west coast sure sucks." Well, it DOESN'T - nyah nyah nyah! Lockup, Angle gets the waistlock and muscles him down, floating over into a headlock. KAnyon back up - to the corner - shoulder in the gut, again. Right hand, "Who better than Kanyon?" and right. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Angle with a clothesline. Austin looks on from his dressing room. Right, into the ropes is reversed, Angle ducks, then hits a crossbody for 2. Head to the buckle, again, again, right, into the ropes, going for the belly-to-belly but Kanyon rakes the eyes. Kanyon off the ropes - Angle tries to stop him with a hiptoss but Kanyon reverses to a neckbreaker. Leg is hooked - 1. Kanyon puts a shin on Angle's windpipe and starts arguing with referee "Blind" Brian Hebner. Austin is still watching. Kanyon puts Angle's arm between his legs, then rolls back into a variation of a cruicifix (wow) for 2. Right hand by Kanyon. "Kanyon sux!" Another right hand. Angle blocks the next one, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Angle hits the flying jalapeno. German suplex - holding on for two - Kanyon back elbows out, but ends up coming off the ropes and landing in an Angle belly-to-belly. Angle wants the Olympic Slam, but Kanyon drops down to hit a jawbreaker on the knee. Kanyon hits the Flatliner (which Tazz calls "the mumbleslursomething") but only gets 2. Kanyon decides to use the belt...but Angle hits a drop toehold before he can land it - ANGLE has the belt...Hebner pulls it away from him - and while Angle is distracted, Kanyon hits a Russian legsweep for 2. Angle fighting back - right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, gutshot by Kanyon, going for a second Flatliner but Angle blocks it - back elbow, elbow, twisting the arm around and hitting the Olympic Slam! (And almost killing Kanyon - oooh) DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Anglelock applied - and Kanyon taps. (3:44) Angle holds onto it a bit longer than necessary, so Hebner pulls him off - and Angle chases him out of the ring and kicks the belt after him. Replay of Kanyon giving it up.

NEXT: Six man action!

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YES! You're watching UPN!

WWF Excess debuts Saturday at 10! Special Guest Host: Triple H! Will I recap it? Well.....ONCE

RHYNO THE MAN BEAST and TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with SAP) and NAPPY T (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. APA ( with Let Us Take You Back to SummerSlam) and THE ROCK - Pier Six to start (TV-14-DLV) but Test and Booker get put outside, so referee "Blind" Nick Patrick gets Bradshaw and Rock in their corner - Rhyno right, right, into the ropes, reversed, powerslam by Faarooq for 2. Rhyno revereses a whip attempt into a short clothesline. He wants the gore but ends up eating a three point stance tackle from Faarooq instead. Tag to Bradshaw - into the ropes, shoulderblock, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, 1, 2, kickout. "Rock E!" Forearm in the back by Bradshaw. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Rhyno, swinging neckbreaker. Head to the buckle, tag to Test, open shot, right, right. Right. Right, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Right hand. Into the opposite corner, but Bradshaw gets the boot up. There's another shouldertackle. Tag to Rock. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, flying clothesline. Cole says that Rock will bring credibility back to the WCW title - just like a Ric Flair or a Ricky Steamboat. Gag me. Rock with the ugliest Samoan Drop in the world (Test's fault, probably) for 2. Test with a surprise right, right, right, right, tag to Rhyno. Rhyno right, right, right, right, but Rock reverses positions, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Rock reverses back, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, T breaks it up. Rhyno with a stomp, double sledge, ohhh T wants in. T gets the tag - Rock pops up and makes the international "just bring it" sign. T goes back through the ropes and looks about - the crowd is loud. Rock decides to just bring him in the hard way, then. But Rock ends up taking a Wotsitolla Boot from Test - this brings in Bradshaw - well now all six men are in - meanwhile, there's a tripleteam on Rock as Patrick tries to get the APA back to their corner. Tag to Test when everybody's back in place - open right hand. "Rock E!" Right by Test - Rock comes back, right, right, right, off the ropes...but Test lands a sidewalk slam. Bradshaw saves, and does a bit of stomping before going back out. Right by Test, right, right, block, Rock right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks, Rock with the spinebuster and both men are down. Who will make the tag? Tag to Booker - tag to Faarooq! Clothesline for Booker T, right for Rhyno, right for Test on the apron, kick to Rhyno's head, but T gets a gutshot - into the ropes is reversed, but Faarooq counters with a spinebuster (!) - but Test is off the top with a Savage elbow to break it up - this brings in Bradshaw for a Hades lariat - T with a Harlem sidekick on Bradshaw to take HIM out. Everybody's down again...Faarooq back to his feet - but Rhyno is back in - GORE! GORE! GORE! T is feeling it - kick to Faarooq's gut - dropping down to one knee and starting to quiver - but Rock is back over! Right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Booker is out of the ring. And Rock is after him! Head to the STEEL steps! Back in under the bottom rope - but T recovers quickly and hits the axe kick to Faarooq, still pretty much out in the ring. Rock wants back in but Test pulls him back out and brawls with him just long enough for Patrick to count a fall on Faarooq. Winners: Alliance. (6:22) T makes it all the way back up the ramp...then clears the area. Back down on one knee - shaking his head, screaming...and breakdancing back up.

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Chris Jericho!

Commentators shill "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

To WWF New York we look...

...and inside is X-PAC. "Yeah. So last Sunday at SummerSlam, I won back MY WWF light heavyweight championship. And you know what that makes me? The first person in history - HISTORY - to ever win titles at the same time from both organisations. And I am the one that brought prestige back to a division that was nonexistant until I let my presence be known. So I guess that makes me one of the greatest superstars to ever set foot in a WWF ring. If you don't believe me, ask anybody I've ever been in the ring with. Still don't believe me? C'mon step up and come get you some, WWF, WCW, short, tall, big, small, I don't care. Because greatness is standing in front o' you people, and it's about time that you realised it." Hey, what about Ultimo Dragon?

To the commissioner's office we go. "You know, I think this is going to work. He won't know the difference, how will he know the difference? The man's a bloody imbecile, he won't know the difference. Come in." "MOPPY! MOPPY!" "Hallo Perry, how are you?" "Have you seen Moppy?" "I know you've been going through a lot of heartache lately, a lot of distress, but being the good commissioner that I am, guess who I found for you..." "Moppy?" "Looking as radiant as she is." "Moppy! ...hey! This isn't Moppy! This is an ordinary house mop and somebody painted a face on it!" "It's had plastic surgery!" "What, do you think I'm stupid, huh?" and he whacks Regal, then works over the suit of armour. "MOPPY! MOPPY!" or is he saying "Stella" 'cause it's that kind of camera angle. Regal surveys the carnage. "That wasn't one of your better ideas, was it? Bloody idiot." Then he throws the mop head at Tajiri.

Meanwhile, in the Room of Fun, Debra fumes. "I am so hot - I can't believe Christ Jericho went out there in front of millions of people and ran down my cookies again - I am so mad - ooh! You know what, though? I want you to have one of my cookies 'cause it will make me feel better." "What?" "'Cause I don't DARE let Jericho run down my cookies. Here, go ahead and have one." "Right now?" "Please, yeah. For me?" "You know if I eat one, I'll have to eat the whole damn tray." "Oh you can have maybe four or five." "I don't know. Right now?" "Yeah, go ahead. 'cause I am just SO mad..." Debra turns her back and Austin dumps the tray on the floor. "Ohhhh, geez. Look! I dropped 'em. They slid off the tray!" "That Jericho - you know what, he's got you so mad, 'cause I know you wouldn't intentionally do that to me." "Never." "Ohhhh - you know what, I want you to go out there, I want you to focus on Jericho, and I want you to get him for me." "Make an example out of him." "Yeah! Because he's got you so upset - he's got ME upset!" "Make an example out of him for the Alliance, for you!" "And for the cookies!" "He's gonna pay. Nobody does this to you." "You're right. 'cause I'm Debra AND Stone Cold Steve Austin's wife!"

UP NEXT: The WWF tag team titles are on the line - Edge & Christian take on Kane & Taker!

And now, Corn Nuts presents the hardcore smack of the night! From RAW, Christian fails to win the European championship

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. KANE and TAKER (on his beautiful Rude American bike - by his damn self) - During Taker's entrance, Edge shoots Christian a deliberate "see what you've gotten us into" look. Christian responds by going through the ropes and letting Edge start. Hands up, who misses Sara? Thought so. Edge looks across the ring at Taker, slips the lockup, right, right, right, right, right, Taker switches positions - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, Edge gets an elbow up to stop the charge - but runs into a drop toehold (!) - it's in Taker's contract that he does one of those a year - elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover, 1. Arm wringer, yankin' and crankin', another wrench of the arm, and now it's time for Old School...and between the shoulderblades. Taker pulls back - holy cow, it's the old jujigatame - Code Red! Code Red! Also has the shoulders pinned, so referee "Blind" Mike Chioda starts the count - and Christian comes in to break it up. Edge manages a Viscera, then tags in Christian - Taker with a double choke, sits him on top, soupbone, tag to Kane. Kane with an uppercut, then a super hiptoss back into the ring. Sidewalk slam. 1, 2, Edge saves. Christian with a low blow as Chioda puts Edge back in his corner. Christian pours it on - stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right, right. Stomp. Right. Tag to Edge, right, right, kick by Edge, right, right, into the ropes, Edge ducks the clothesline, but eats the big boot. Tag to Taker. Tag to Christian - runs into a clothesline. Soupbone. Into the corner, follow lariat, into the opposite corner, scooped up onto the shoulder, snake eyes, off the ropes with the big boot. Taker with the choke...but Edge comes in with a spear! This brings in Kane - right, right, Edge out. Christian covers Taker - 1, 2, NO! Going for the Unprettier, but Taker shoves him into the ropes, gutshot, Last Ride, seeya. 1, 2, 3. (3:30) Man Taker is one awesome, awesome dude. Everybody who wants him to retire SUCKS. Here's your replay - wooo.

UP NEXT: Ivory vs. Lita!

Tazz shills Stacker 2 #2 - Say, does Tazz look particularly fat-burning to you? Oh yeah, I think I'm supposed to recognise one of these other guys as a "Sopranos" star - only, I don't have HBO so I have no idea.

WWF Shop Zone ad #2 - THIS offer is for Austin 3:16, The Rock's Know Your Role, and The Three Faces of Foley - and the trading cards, and the T-shirt

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Jeff Hardy demolished a table with his body

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ. Jeff Hardy has been diagnosed: it's ONLY bruised ribs. See, you can't *really* get hurt doing this...

Look! It's Lita! And she is LIMPING!

Last Week on Tough Enough - FUHFUHWID

LITA (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Foot Locker, Clearasil, and Corn Nuts!) v. IVORY - I beg to differ - it was Jeff Gillooly who attacked Nancy Kerrigan, and NOT Tonya Harding. Lockup, Lita shoves Ivory to the ropes, standing switch, into the corner, Ivory breaks. Ivory with a kick to the bad leg, stomp, stomp, grabs the ankle...but Lita hits the enzuigiri. Shoulder to the gut. Vertical suplex. Lita stomps on Ivory's knee, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Clearasil Replay of the enzuigiri in the meantime - looks like Lita is targeting the back of Ivory's knee as well. Ivory with a leg sweep - elbow to the knee. Knee in the back - dropping to the mat. 1, 2, no. Ivory kicks the knee - and again. Lita fires back with a right hand. Ivory kicks, then kicks the other leg when she realises she kicked the wrong one. Kick. "Lita" chant. Lita comes back with a monkey flip. Running clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, reveresed, Ivory brings her up, but Lita hits the 'rana on the way down. Side Russian legsweep by Ivory as HURRICANE HELMS comes out. Lita stops her climb to the top to clothesline Helms off the apron. Lita with a kick to Ivory, off the ropes - but Helms lowers the bridge. Helms puts her back in the ring - Ivory covers - 1, 2, 3. (2:38) MATT HARDY is out too late...Helms and Ivory are outta there. Check the replay for Helms' interference.

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See the WWF LIVE! this week - tomorrow in Wichita, Saturday in Des Moines, Sunday in Ft. Wayne, Monday in Grand Rapids for RAW, and Tuesday in Detroit!

WE ARE LIVE (Recorded Earlier) and check out the Mile High Skyline

Let Us Take You Back to SummerSlam for a series of stills and clips from the WWF Championship match, complete with black and white stills any time there's a lot of blood - which is weird, 'cause this is supposedly a TV-14 hour

Commentators yak about Austin and Angle...and Austin and Jericho

NEXT: Stone Cold vs. Chris Jericho!

Backstage, Raven catches up to Rob van Dam. "We're not done with our little dance. You keep acting all overjoyed at the fact that you're Rob van Dam, but I'm Raven - the greatest hardcore warrior to ever walk the WCW/ECW rings. And I took to heart what Stone Cold said, and when he's done whipping Chris Jericho, I know he's gonna be in a damn good mood, and I'm gonna ask him for a hardcore title match against you on Monday night." "Hey, whatever Raven. I mean if you want a shot at my hardcore title, just say so. Only, don't waste your time talkin' to me - Stone Cold's room is just two doors down, and hey, when you talk to him, don't just tell him you wanna be the next hardcore champion, tell him you want that hardcore championship at the expense of everybody's favourite superstar - Rob van Dam." "Oh I will." "Do that." "I will." "Yeah, good luck." "Yeah, yeah." "See you soon." "On Monday!" "Be there." "Yeah." WOW SUCH DIALOGUE - for those of you keeping score, *Raven* got the last word.

NEXT: Stone Cold vs. Chris Jericho! No no, this time we *mean* it!

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STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a nontitle match - before Jericho comes out, COMMISSIONER REGAL appears. "Your name might be Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you may be the WWF Champion, but you don't make the rules around here - I do. And so tonight, your match against Y2J *will* be for the WWF Championship." Austin responds by...grinning. Jericho rushes the ring and here we go! Austin to the back, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, kick, kick, head to the buckle, chop, chop, chop, elbow, elbow, into the opposite corner, Jericho moves aside and Austin shoulders the post - arm wringer by Jericho, pounding the shoulder, pulling the arm, overhand right to the shoulder, again, again. Austin pulls the hair - into the ropes, head down - Jericho with a small package for 2. Jericho with an armdrag - to an armbar. Angle watches from a dressing room. Jericho still pounding the shoulder - Austin powers out, but Jericho hits a crossbody for 2. Austin with a droptoehold, floating over into a facelock, but Jericho counters with a hammerlock - knee to the elbow, another knee to the elbow. Austin back to his feet but Jericho still has the armbar - wrenching it over once again - Austin powers out, but Jericho hits the shoulderblock. Up and over - Austin wants the Austin Press, but Jericho stops, shoves him down and keeps the legs - can he step over for the Walls? No, Austin has the bottom rope before Jericho can even lock it in. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner forces the break. Jericho walking back to Austin - Austin pulls him outside through the ropes...and follows. Head to the commentary table. Back in a headlock - no, Jericho shoves Austin into the post, the shoulder hitting once again! Jericho pulls the arm through the ring, and the shoulder hits again - Jericho with two more pulls on the arm to bring the shoulder to the post. Austin's dropped on the barricade. Jericho with a knife-edge chop, chop, chop. Austin rolled back in - Jericho back in, but Austin drops the hammer. Again we look at Angle. Jericho manages - well, we don't know, we're watching Angle - but Austin holds his shoulder again. Arm wringer by Jericho, steps over - and drops down to try to get HIS armbar! Austin clasps his hands to try to prevent it - Jericho repeatedly dropping his leg across Austin's chest - Austin lets go and Jericho pulls back on the short arm scissors - Austin rolls...and grabs the bottom rope. Jericho hangs onto the arm - arm wringer - chop, Austin puts Jericho in the ropes - and hits the spinebuster - but again clutches his bad shoulder. Austin calls over Hebner to talk about his shoulder...Jericho up from behind - Austin's trick knee acts up. Knee between the shoulderblades by Austin. Big forearm in the chest. Austin drapes Jericho over the top tope - choking him on the top rope - now pulling back to snap Jericho back to the centre. Austin tosses Jericho outside again - and again follows. Austin rams Jericho's back into the post. Big knife-edge chop by Austin - chop - and back into the post once again. Austin rolls back in...grabs Jericho's hair and pulls him up to the apron - suplex back in - NO, Jericho down the back, waistlock, rollup, 1, 2, NO! Austin SNAPS back with a clothesline. Austin tells Hebner Jericho was pulling his trunks - man, Austin knows ALL the little things...AND HE DOES 'EM. Stomp. Head to the buckle - blocked - Jericho with a gutshot, head to the buckle, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho up and over, double leg takedown...going *again* for the Walls...but too close to the ropes and Austin hooks the bottom rope. Hebner forces the break - Jericho argues - Austin tries to take advantage of his back turned - but Jericho steps aside, Austin into the buckle bad shoulder first, Jericho with the bulldog...Jericho with the Lionsault - NO into the knees!! Both men are down...Austin up first - daring Jericho to get up - KICK WHAM NOOO Jericho hooks the arm, turns around and drops down with the Kunze armbar!! Austin again crawls to the ropes...and grabs the bottom rope. Wow, Tazz said "Fujiwara!" Jericho back on him - chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho ducks, ducks again, leaps into a rollup - 1, 2, Austin rolls it around - grabs the leg with one arm, and the middle rope with the other - 1, 2, 3. Oohhhhhhhhh. Champ escapes by the skin of his teeth. (8:14) Jericho is in shock. Here's the replay. Austin back up to the ramp...and behind the curtain without incident. I think Jericho's VERY unhappy, but too bad - credits are up and we're out.

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