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/1 August 1999

Los SuperAstros


Guest columnist: Joshua Slade


MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK: I wasn't really expecting it, but a few people actually READ last week's report! Will miracles never cease... Anyway, the standard reader email was nice (and taught me that the name of the WCW lucha show is WCW Festival de Lucha... or something) but the even more encouraging letters came from fellow [slash]ers C.R. Wilson and Justin Jones. IT'S A BRUTHAHOOD, MANG! WE'S UNSTOPPABLE! YA HEAR ME? I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you to GO READ THEIR STUFF! C.R. does CRants twice a week, is unbiased (!), and makes fun of stupid people who email him. What more could you ask for? Meanwhile, Justin Jones does the HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WCW Saturday Night report that all the kiddies are talking about these days. I only put him second on this mini-list becuase he's MUCH funnier than I, and I can't stand to be upstaged.

STUFF I LEARNED FROM READING THE DICTIONARY: Jean Baptiste Rochambeau (1725-1807) was a French general who commanded his country's forces while aiding the Americans in the Revolutionary War. Remember that next time you get kicked squaa in the nuts.

LINE I HOPE I SEE IN CRZ'S NITRO REPORT BEFORE I DIE: No pizzas were harmed in the making of Meng/Goldberg Little Caesar's spot #__

ONE LAST THING: Yes, Savio was told they weren't picking up his contract last week. If you read the tapings (or CRZ's Nitro report) this week, then you know he was at ringside in Hugo's chair doing PBP. Don't get your hopes up- his contract ends in October. So enjoy Mr. Rivera while you still can. Kwang, we hardly knew ye.

World Wrestling Federacion Numero Uno, Reverse, Reverse, Skip, Draw 2, Wild, Red 6.

Opening sequence has Maria Felipe blowing a kiss at you! Lucky bastard.

We are TAPED from the LiveWire video editing studio. MARCELO is out host and it's only in caps here 'cuz it's on-screen that way. Of course, it's "Give Away All The Matches" time so cover your ears, close your eyes (wide shut), and sing the theme to Danger Mouse. We get two (aww crap) match giveaways and they somehow feel the need to

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Where Jesus Tried To Help Apollo Dantes But Savio Cheated And Nailed Him With The Musical Pringles Can. Miguel wins and all is right with the world. Yeah right- maybe in YOUR world.

We are then treated to an impromptu interview as Marcelo Cole talks junk with "Sabio Bega". (Oh, shut up.) Savio has a HUGE cross on his neck chain, yet last week he DARED to hit Jesus?!? Hypocrite. Anyway, he's semi-angry about something, and judging from the look of things, it's not about missing a meal lately.

Never Surrender Juicy Fruit Papi Chulo y El Merenguero Is Jesus vs. Wookie Monster Miguel Perez y Jose "Death Wish" Estrada in a Which One Of These Guys Wasn't A Boriqua Match

Miguel and That Fucking Piece Of Crap Jose pearl harbor the heels because they're BITCHES. Punches in bunches, back body drops off the rops are in sync. (Bathtub!?) Oh yeah, your pbp men at ringside are Who-go and Car-lost. Yippee. Estrada's ring attire this week seems to be sponsored by Saturn (the car company, not Perry). Hey, speaking of Perry Saturn, you ever notice he stopped wearing the dress? Some people say it's because Jericho left and they didn't want the announcers talking about why the dress was on in the first place, but I think it was because the last guy before Saturn to wear a dress was Brian Pillman, and he ain't doing so good right now. Hey, while we're on the subject, why didn't Marlena ever get brought up on murder charges? Pillman had her for 30 days, you know. Hehe. Oh, FUCK YOU, this match is NOT worth talking about. What? Ok, FINE! Papi opens with a chop after getting back in and hits his RVD spot number 1 (keep the counter going) this week: spinning back roundhouse caught by Perez, flipped up into the air, duck under, enzuigiri setup, flipped up again, gets clotheslined. You know, the over-choreographing is ok only when it NEVER HAPPENS. And this was slow, too. Papi whipped into the ropes, off with a GREAT rana. Papi jumps up and hits another run with a tucked pin for 2. They trade armdrags and both tag out. Merenguero and Jose now, this won't be near as "exciting". Lock up, few reversals into a side headlock for Estrada, whipped in, Jesus eats a shoulderblock. Jose off the ropes again, Merenguero kips up (!), ducks under, tries a hiptoss, blocked, punch to the gut, flip out of the fame-asser setup (you know what I mean) and gets clotheslined. Whew. Maybe this match won't be so.... nah. To the corner, Estrada feeds Our Savior a few tasty chops, cross corner whip, Jose charges and hits a SHITTY head scissors over the ropes which brings Merenguero down to the floor. Miguel is in and there's an EVEN WORSE plancha. Double team on the outside, Castillo into the unforgiving steel steps. THESE TWO ARE CHEATING AND THE REF IS DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT! I'm outraged! Jesus rolled back in, tag made to Wook, a few punches and it's commercial time. DARN.

Soccer (Ole Ole Ole, O-le, Ole Ole), the word "sexual" is aired in the old Miller Lite ad with two "attractive" models or miss universes or some shit, Toyota Tundra is named after treeless plains in arctic regions, Noticiero Television is news that is just as depressing en Espanol, ESPECIALLY when they show someone drawing blood from their arm with a really dirty looking needle (yuck) and I want to puke.

On that happy note, MORE ASTROS!

Miguel still in control, irish whip reversed, drop down by Merenguero, Papi gets in a cheap shot, and Jesus whacks Wookie with a (left handed!) clothesline. Whew. Miguel tossed to the outside, Chulo off the apron with something vaguely resembling an elbow. Stomp, stomp, kick, stomp, stomp, kick, stomp, punt- who does Papi think he is, HHH? Perez rolled back in, foot to the eyes. Forearm smash to the throat. Tag to Papi, Wookie held back and there's a limp-wristed palm thrust to the neck. Chop, Miguel sent in, spinning heel kick by Mr. Aguila. To the corner, bundles of kicks. Miguel set down on the mat, Papi with a Vader bomb into a bronco ryder. Huh. Tag to Merenguero... Miguel is SO Ricky Morton right now. Off the ropes, blah blah blah into a double shoulderblock. FACE IN PERIL MODE ENDS NOW! You can HEAR the crowd praying for death. Both tags are made and this match gets even STUPIDER (tm DDP) as Papi goes up top upon getting the tag, does a 360 flip to land on his feet, and gets clotheslined. THE FUCK? Anywho, Jose displays what HE learned at the H Cubed School of Brawling with a vast array of many IMPRESSIVE punches. And by impressive, I mean "fucking awful". Off the ropes, Papi gets clotheslined and goes into seizures. Back bodydrop makes him flop around like a fish out of agua. Jesus in and he's met with a (seriously) impressive gorilla slam from Jose Eber. All 4 men in now and Sally bar the door because everyone's trying to leave. Hugo is audibly oragsming at ringside. General mayhem ensues and whilst the ref tries to get Miguel out of the ring, Jose goes up for a ten-punch singalong on Papi, only to get SLIGHTLY BRUSHED by Merenguero with the silver pringles can. 3 count is a forgone conclusion. (8:39 with commercials) You know, in this age of Scott Keith's GOD AWFUL ability to produce accurate star ratings, many a contest has come and gone without getting a fair shake at the props it deserves. This match was not one of them. 1/2*

Backstage, A Very Concerned Savio Vega and Maria Felipe are watching a monitor, having just witnessed this Travesty Of Justice. Savio rubs his head in general disbelief, Maria talks fast and says nothing, and Savio slaps the TV! Bastard!

A random Astros highlights package set to bad dance music is shown here for no good reason, other than to eat up time. Just like the opening match!

El Sportscentre has highlights of soccer, playground softball, some bald guy, and more soccer. Wowee. The Pan Americans games can't be stopped, Speed Stick Ultimate will place a trap door under your arm and injure Davey Boy Smith, Lente Loco steals your food, Bienvenidos has hot nurses, and Special Edition #655 Cristina features Jennifer Lopez. She's wearing some sort of tube top thing and is being shown in the commercial only from the shoulders up to make you think she's NAKED but she's not. So there. Quiero Ser Estrella closes up this flavorful package of commercials with it's unique brand of child pornography.

Back to the studio, where Marcelo Pettengil hypes our next match before leading us into

Hugo and Carlos send us into the magical realm of stills from Fully Loaded, which was el pasado domingo. (I didn't know HE was there!) Something of note- all pictures where the guy in them was busted open are shown in black and white. Hispanic fans, the WWF doesn't respect you! Watch Austin punch Taker! Watch Taker punch Austin! Watch Stunning Steve get dumped over the guardrail thingie and clutch his knee in agony! Watch Vince look concerned! Watch Stone Cold try to remove UT's 33 pound head! Watch Taker get tied up in the ropes! Watch Shane get PASTED by a chair shot! Watch Vince scream! Watch the stunner! Watch Vince run in with a crutch! Watch him get subsequently smacked by SOTNE CODL 31:6 O HEL YAH! Watch X-Pac run-in and hit a shitty Van Daminator! Watch Austin nail UT with the camera to win!

Judging by my WATCH, that was *just* long enough to kill any hopes of squeezing out three matches this week.

And now? Yes, that's right, SUMMERSLAM HYPE. Triple H vs. Stone Cold with some Ventura guy as the ref for the Campeonato De La WWF! And that's the only match.

Back to the annoying practice of interviewing a guy from a totally seperate room. Jose Estrada cuts a promo in which he acts mean and challenges El Merenguero to a match next week. JOY.

Polish Pirate Apolo Dantes vs. Ad Break

There's the bell, and Ad Break absolutely NAILS Dantes with a thumb to the eye for the quick pin. (0:09) That was around ***.

A juggy woman can't control her animals for Yes2Kia, a fortune teller sees Sprite in your future, Florida International University is the home of the Golden Panthers and wants YOU, El Super Blablazo Puppet gets all the jailbait hotties, and the nightly news has some guy eating... something. Those were COMMERCIALS!

Backstage, Maria is invading Merenguero's privacy while he's getting dressed! The nerve of that woman! Jesus is none too happy with this and Maria should be expecting a swarm of locuts in her El Camino when she leaves today.

Rrrr Matey Apolo Dantes (w/ Disco Inferno) vs. El Pantera

Pantera enters to "Walk". (I kid.) Lockup, side headlock, off the ropes goes Apolo and there's a shoulder block. Off the ropes again, Pantera drops down and hits an armdrag on the way back. Spinning heel kick. Dantes to the outside. Pantera with a running start and dives through the ropes onto Apolo, hitting him back-first. Pantera's legs catch the top of the black rail thing and snaps him down, making him land neck first on the floor. OUCH. Both men visibly hurt. Back in the ring, Pantera goes up top to try a flying cross body, but is caught (!) by Dantes and slammed. There's an elbow. Chop to the corner, sent for the ride, avalanche clothesline. Dantes up top with a dropkick that sends Pantera to the floor. There's Pantera's dive done right this time, head first. Kick by Apolo, kneeling powerbomb gets 1. Scoop and a slam. To the top turnbuckle, diving headbutt (?) misses. Pantera with a La Majistral which gets...3? Wow. (2:49) There wasn't much there, but what was there was ok. *1/2

The Roving Cameraman has found a door with some yelling going on behind it. Upon entrance, we find Dr. Tom Pritchard, That One Official Guy, Dave Hebner, and Jim Korderas attending to a fallen Miguel Perez and Jose Estrada. Papi Chulo and El Merenguero stand over them wondering just what happened while Savio accuses them of being responsible for this Dastardly Act Of Not Nice Stuff. I bet Savio is behind it all. Yep, I do.

We're outta here!

2 matches, 11:28 of "wrestling". Blah.

Joshua Slade

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission