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/21 June 2000

WCW Thunder


Guest columnist: Chonofan



You know, a lot of you people out there don't appreciate what CRZ does for us. How would you all like to watch AT LEAST 4 hours of WCW and 4 hours of the WWF each and every week? And he can't even flip channels because he has to call all the action. Well, CRZ, to show my appreciation, I decided to try to sit through a whole episode of Thunder (I just had to pick the worst one, didn't I?) and do my own recap. I dunno, maybe I'll enjoy it, maybe I'll keep doing it, but I don't think I have the balls to try this again. And to make it even harder on myself, I'm going to do this without the use of a VCR. That's right, we're l-i-v-e, LIVE BABY! For some reason, I think I'm going to regret the last part. I'll tell you now, I'm not going to even attempt match times, and I think I'll hold off on doing match ratings (at least in this recap). So, with that said, off we go with FD#W's first Thunder Report.

Ripley's is out of time and WCW is all up in your area! This is WCW Thunder! We open up with a montage from Monday Nitro. There's the Cat, Kanyon, Booker T, Kevin Nash, Goldberg, Vampiro, Dale Torborg, Scott Steiner, Jeff Jarrett, and pretty much everyone else that had any airtime Monday night (except the good wrestlers). Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, "IRON" MIKE TENAY, and BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN. I'm your recapper, ChonoFan. Pray for me. It's Wednesday night (Or is it Tuesday? Those announcers never get it straight), and we are live on tape from Bozeman, Montana for the first time ever. This truly is the greatest WCW event ever in the history of Bozeman! More clips from Nitro show Perfect Event getting the win over Rick Steiner after Tank Abbott went chasing after a fan. And how about this? We're going to open up with a match! Unfortunately, it's

RICK STEINER vs. TANK ABBOTT Oops, Steiner is cutting a promo, but I had the TV on mute. Guess I better stop doing that. The gist of it: Steiner wants out of the team, Abbott can come get some and bite him. Wow, catchphrases! I guess Steiner is the face then. Bell rings and we go to some sort of lockup. Abbott with a suplex and straight to a leglock. Steiner rolls over to the ropes for the break. Steiner takes Abbott down but Abbott wraps him up with his legs. Tank takes Steiner into a cross arm-breaker. Crowd is barking. Hold is broken and the two men are up and CLUBBERIN...! Front facelock by Abbot but Steiner gets up out of it. The announcers are talking about psychology...! Tank Abbott hits the One Punch Knockout, but Steiner magically gets up. Suplex! Steinerline! Punches! Match continues with nothing until Steiner hits a top rope bulldog for the pin. What the hell is wrong with these people? They're popping like they saw some kind of sports entertainment. Don't they know they're ONLY getting wrestling?? Sheesh!

We go to the announcers who talk about Three Count and Lance Storm. They tell us Three Count is going to debut their new single. While I try to ignore the announcers, Tank Abbott comes from out of no where and starts to maul a fan who is obviously some local indy worker.

Outside, we see the arrival of a white limo and we see JEFF JARRETT, MIKE AWESOME, THE CAT, and A LARGE LIMO DRIVER that whispers ideas for the show into the Cat's ear. Sweet nothings maybe? Big ratings!!

Commercials. Let me take this opportunity to ask for your forgiveness because I'm sure to make quite a few mistakes. I'll be damned if I can do this ever again without a VCR. And we're just getting started! Woohoo!

We're back with Sean Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo in the production truck. Palumbo thinks he's Pauly Shore. They press a button and Penzer gets the crap scared out of him by Kane's pyro. Or is that Booker T's? Hmm, interesting.

"Not Cowboy" plays and out comes "THE CHOSEN ONE" JEFF JARRETT, "CAREER KILLER" MIKE AWESOME, and THE CAT. The announcers tell us that Perfect Event are making sure they understand television production so they can't bee surprised anymore. Now why doesn't everyone else in this company do the same? HA! Jarrett with the stick! "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am the Chosen One! And I am the best damn WCW World Heavyweight Champion there's ever been! Is there any coincidence that no one has been able to keep me down ever since my ascent to the top of the heap? I don't think so. Is there any coincidence that the Slapnuts t-shirt is the fastest selling t-shirt in the history of WCW? And is there any coincidence that the Immortal Hulk Hogan was stretchered out of the ring by yours truly, never to be seen or heard from again? I don't think so. But Hollywood, or Hulkster, or whoever you're trying to pass yourself off as this week, I've been sending you a get well card everyday this week because if you get better, you'll get yourself a shot at the gold. But Hogan, if you make it to the Bash, I've got a big surprise for you. That's right, I'm gonna go out and find the biggest, the fattest, the most disgusting lady I can find, and I'm gonna find that big, fat, disgusting lady, and I'm going to bring her to ringside. And when you feel the Stroke, and hear that wonderful sound of 1-2-3, I'm gonna bring that big, fat, disgusting heifer into the ring and she's going to straddle you, and I'm going to have her sing her big fat ass off. That's right, the fat lady is going to sing just for you Hogan, so why don't you choke on that, Slapnuts?" Damn I screwed that up. Awesome: "At the Bash at the Beach, the Career Killer is going to strike again. Because you see, Scott Steiner, I know what your one weakness is. I know that your back is just one table bomb away from going "snap, crackle, pop!" So Big Poppa, pump up those big freakish arms of yours because you're going to need them to push yourself around in a wheelchair for the rest of your miserable life. AHHH!" The Cat: "May I please have your attention? May I please have your attention? SHUT THE HELL UP! You know, I was going to come out here and speak to you people on the behalf of Goldberg. I was gonna tell you people how Goldberg is going to rip Nash apart. I'm not going to do that. But when I get Scott Hall's contract in my hands, I'm going to rip it apart because it belongs to the New Blood." And I'm giving up because (1)my stupid ass isn't using a VCR and (2)I can't understand Miller. He makes the main event match with Jarrett/Awesome versus Steiner/Nash. Dance, Ernest, dance!

Backstage, we see the MISFITS IN ACTION. Major Guns is going to represent them in a three-way dance tonight. Catfight, I presume?

Commercials. Whew.

Hey, I bet I'm the only one that finds any of those new Taco Bell Encherito commercials amusing. Then again, I find the Misfits amusing too.

We come back to see Terry Funk firing up Johnny Bull. With trash can shots, that is. Then he tells Johnny to hit Funk with half a dozen shots, but he can only take one.

Clips from Nitro show the cruiserweight three-way dance and the post-match catfight.

TYGRESS & REY MYSTERIO, JR. vs. MJR. GUNS & LT. LOCO vs. PAISLEY & THE ARTIST Announcers remind us that the Cat's no-interference rule is still in full effect. Hey, does anyone else remember Rey Mysterio's rap theme before he started using Konnan's? Was I the only one that enjoyed that? And where the hell did it go? And what made WCW decide to start using the rip-off of "Vivrant Thing" again? And why do I keep asking all these questions? I DON'T KNOW! Bell rings, and here we go! Well, as soon as the men leave the ring. We get a false start as Mysterio hops back into the ring. Major Guns tries to seduce Rey. Ballshot and tag to Lt. Loco. To the ropes and a couple of, uh, overhead armdrags? Rey tags in Paisley as the Artist wants no part of this. Tag to Tygress starts the catfighting. Hair tosses everywhere. Artist holds Tygress by the hair and Paisley wrestles VERY WEAKLY. Well, except for the scoop slam. Tygress tags in Rey after he makes sure Paisley is down. He grabs the leg so Artist can't tag in. He sets her up for the broncobuster, but she moves out of the way. Rey sees it in time and hits the middle ropes. Artist comes in and gets a short-lived advantage. Rey counters a whatever with a headscissors takeover and tags in Loco. Loco is just flying all over the place with frog splashes and such. Weak dropkick is sold by the Artist. Paisley interferes to give the Artist the chance to hit his jumping DDT, and I'll be DAMNED if he didn't almost kill Chavo with that. Rey can't break up the cover and Artist gets the win. Here comes LANCE STORM post-match to mess with the Artist. Punches, dropkicks, superkick, Samoan drop, more punches, and thank God they're not ringing That Damn Bell. Trainwreck spot into the Filthy Animals, and Storm takes off through the crowd.

We go outside to see the hearse supposedly carrying Asya. DALE TORBORG apparently has lost his mind.


We come back to see VAMPIRO making his way to the ring. Oops, maybe not. DALE TORBORG is back to attack Vampiro from behind. Am I the only one that finds Torborg's hair disturbing? It's all Torborg up to this point. Will Vampiro job for anyone? Sheesh. Vampiro stops the onslaught by dangling an earring in Torborg's face. Announcers say it matches the other one Torborg found in the hearse. Torborg is distraught. Vampiro has the stick. "You wanna see your girlfriend again? Because if anything ever happens to me, nobody in this whole world but me knows where she is. You see, Dale, Demon, I like you. You're sick! You're a twisted freak, just like me. You've got the sickness. But the big difference between me and you is I just can't turn this off. Every stinkin' subhuman day of my life, I'm sick inside. I can't take this makeup off or get away from the pain that makes me do the things that I so like to do. That's why I took her away from you, you sick, twisted freak. You gotta listen to the voices in your head, Dale! You gotta embrace the Demon. You can't run away! But I'll make you a deal. You wanna see your girl? That's no problem, but you're gonna have to do everything that she's done in the past two days." Ewww! "A deal's a deal. Move it! And don't you dare turn around because it'll be over, and you'll never see your fiancee ever again." The announcers completely ruin every promo by talking over them. Talk about overselling.

We go to the back to find THE CAT and SHANE DOUGLAS. The Cat says Douglas has heat with Bischoff. Douglas offers to help Cat out with tonight's ratings. He tells Cat to book a handicap match between Buff and Candido/Bigelow. The Cat claims the idea for himself and tells Douglas he owes him. Hey, just like Vampiro! I SEE YOUR CONTINUITY, WCW! Very smart!


Back to the show to see VAMPIRO and TORBORG walking. Vampiro tells Torborg to drive the hearse but won't tell him where they're going. The announcers keep trying to sell this feud as being as important as Vampiro's feud with Sting. Whatever helps you sleep at night, guys. Tony says the Cat has sent him a memo. Hardcore matches must start backstage and end in the ring from now on. Man, how creative and original! We've never seen that before! Hey, maybe we'll get some oversized macaroni boxes tossed into the mix!

THE WALL vs. BIG VITO Oops, guess this is a match. Now how the hell am I supposed to call this? Punch, kick, throw, repeat. Vito puts Wall through a table. Wall slides Vito across another (stronger) table. They're moving into the arena now. Announcers are selling the Wall's importance. Well, not Heenan, he knows better. Camera shows JOHNNY THE BULL and TERRY FUNK watching backstage. We go back to the arena to see Wall and Vito working down the aisle toward the ring. Man, this match sucks. Why are they cheering? Wall gets a crutch and takes it to Vito. Tony talks about relaxed rules. Um, isn't this a hardcore match? Damn, Tony. They're in the ring now, so maybe we'll see some wrestling moves. Vito with the Savage Elbow. Vito takes a trash can lid and puts it over Wall's groin. Then he uses a bat and smashes the HELL out of the lid. It shouldn't have hurt much, but that looks much better than those infamous cookie sheet shots. Vito gets a table and sets it up in the ring. Wall is having a hard time getting up. Vito with forearms across the Wall's back. Whip to the ropes and the Wall manages to pull out his version of a Bossman slam. Wall goes outside and gets another table and sets it up outside of the ring. Back into the ring and he signals for the chokeslam, but he fails to see the kendo stick in Vito's hand. Vito gets the advantage but a reversed whip turns into a big boot. Wall is up top, but Vito takes him down with a running ligerbomb (good job, Tony) through the table in the ring. Contrary to the Sean Shannon Theory of Unbroken Tables, Vito DOES get the pin before the table on the outside is destroyed.

We see GOLDBERG in the back doing his best to act heelish. Tony: "He's coming...TO THE RING!!!" Is that so strange?


Clips of Goldberg beating the crap out of Horace on Nitro, and then some clips of Goldberg and Nash.

Speaking of the devil, here comes BILL GOLDBERG. Tony draws attention to Goldberg's face pop. Good job, Tony. "Know what, I know you're not here tonight, Nash, but through the years of your successful career, I can imagine that you can afford a VCR. So you take what I'm saying tonight and you run it over and over again, and you see if you can figure out how serious I am. I never liked you, Nash. Your games, your manipulation, and your cocky-ass attitude. But the fact is, there's only one person on this planet that I despise more than you. Only one. Ever since his first day in WCW, Scott Hall has been nothing more than a cancer. On the twenty-third of December, Salisbury, Maryland, it took every ounce of professionalism I had not to leave Scott Hall lying in a pool of his own blood. And for that professionalism, what did I get? One hundred and ninety-six stitches. I got to sit home for five months and watch you monkey boys play your little games, manipulating one person after another. Well, when and if you come back to WCW, Scott Hall, I have appointed myself your personal judge, jury, and executioner. Since I got to WCW, I have tried to do nothing but kill people with kindness. Now, I just want to kill people!" Um, OK. "And Nash, you just happen to be the first man on my chopping block. So July 9, Bash at the Beach, FEAR THIS!"

Vignette with the Triple Threat. Douglas makes fun of the Cat, and relays the story of the handicap match. Commercials.

Promotional consideration paid for by AOL, Singer Asset Finance, Slim Jim, and Motel 6. Oh, and AOL again.

Goldberg is leaving the arena and getting into his limousine. That pansy, always running from a fight. As he starts to leave, an SUV pulls up with Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash. Limousine is staring out of the window and decides he's not going anywhere just yet. Oops, my bad Goldy.

BUFF BAGWELL vs. CHRIS CANDIDO & BAM BAM BIGELOW Clips of the Kronic-Bagwell/Triple Threat six-man tag match from Nitro (brought to you by Castrol GTX). And with that, here we go with the handicap match. Bagwell has a little problem getting his pyro to go off. Camera goes to the production truck to show Palumbo and Stasiak having fun at Bagwell's expense. Referee checks Candido's cast which assures me it's loaded. Lockup, Candido with forearms. Suplex by Candido keeps buff on the mat. Whip to the ropes, duck, Bagwell with a dropkick. Another one. Kick to the gut, neckbreaker (that actually connects!). Bigelow comes in and gets taken down. Bagwell pose. Candido takes a short breather and gets back into the ring. "Bam Bam sucks" chant. Tag to Bigelow. Lockup and Bam Bam takes Buff to the corner. Right, right, right, block, Bagwell turns it around. Whip to the opposite corner but Bigelow comes out clotheslining. Bagwell taken down, and while Bigelow mocks the Buff pose, Buff takes him down by the leg. Someone rushes into my room to make me miss what happened, but it was followed by a two count. Candido tagged in and goes to the resthold. Bagwell gets up but is immediately taken down again with kicks. Candido choking Bagwell under the ropes. Candido picks Buff up and sticks him in the corner and kicks him a few times. Bigelow in now and the two take turns squashing Buff in the corner. Bigelow to the top rope, diving headbutt misses! Bagwell all of a sudden doesn't hurt and he's beating down the heels. Corner punch sing-a-long is interrupted and Bagwell is at the disadvantage again. Bagwell to the middle rope, flies over Bigelow and hits a decent Buff Blockbuster on Candido. Bigelow breaks up the count but Bagwell still has the advantage. DDT, 2 count. Candido gets taken out once again, and here comes a monstrous DDT for Bigelow. Here comes SHANE DOUGLAS to mess things up. Bagwell is up top but he gets hit by a lead pipe. Bigelow gets the easy Greetings from Asbury Park and the pin.

David Flair and Daffney are in the back. Daffney bitchslaps David and he acts like he doesn't know why. Daffney says it's for what happened on Monday night.


Advanced Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports. This time it's the Myrtle Beach 250. HA! Voiceover guy says they "busted ass" to get the car repaired in a pit stop. Once again, WCW screws up and they make excuses. Full moon my ass (no pun intended).

Back to Daffney and David. David says it was Jeff Jarrett, Major Stash, and everyone else at Nitro with Hancock, but DEFINITELY NOT HIM. For some reason, I find this humorous. David uses the Flair charm to "swerve" Daffney.

Clips from Nitro of BOOKER T (YES!!) being reborn after his little fight with Kanyon.

POSITIVELY KANYON vs. BOOKER T Out comes POSITIVELY KANYON. Call me crazy ("You so crazy!"), but I kinda enjoy Kanyon's new gimmick. Heenan swears it was DDP on Nitro. "I've come here tonight to teach all of you people how to be positive. And I'm going to do it by reading an entire chapter from my new book, Positively Kanyon, soon to be made into an audio book read by Ernest Bordnine and a major motion picture, starring Harvey Keitel. SHUT UP! Chapter 3: Morons, Idiots, and Buffoons. 'Page called me today. I let him go on for about 25 minutes on the answering machine before I picked up the phone. He told me he was sick and tired of dealing with Booker T.'" And it goes on and on. Sorry, but I can hardly understand this guy, let alone recap him. Kanyon does a good job of using Andy Kaufman's "reading heel" gimmick to piss off the fans. And damn, does he ever go on. And the whole time, to lessen effect, Tony moans and groans. And here to interrupt this reading session comes Booker T, with the old Harlem Heat music! Woohoo! Booker T punches, punches, spins, punches. Kanyon goes down. Kanyon to the corner and he gets taken down with punches and kicks. Kanyon gets the advantage with a thumb to the eye. After a few turnbuckle shots, Booker T takes control with a boot to the face. But as soon as I type that, Kanyon takes Booker T down with a shot from the book. Ha! Kanyon goes back to reading. Kanyon pulls a brick out of the book. Hit his music! Heenan is laughing like a little girl. Tell me again, why is this guy not on Nitro?

Again with Daffney and David. They go out to the back, and while Daffney waits in the car, David goes to the production truck and berates them for showing footage of David and Hancock. What the hell? He's shaving the production guy's head. That was random. Back to the car, and off they go.


Right about now, I'm thinking that if I ever have the balls to do this again, I'm using my VCR. Recapping interviews is nearly impossible this way. Oh, and I'm also thinking, "CRZ, you're crazy to do this every week."

Promotional consideration paid for by 1-800-BAR-NONE, Corn Nuts, Bubble Yum, AOL, Stone Street Capital, and Motel 6.

Vignette with the Cat and Douglas. The Cat says his hands are tied because Douglas broke the Cat's no-interference rule. He says that since Douglas interfered, the Cat has no choice but to fire him. Cat has second thoughts and says that if Douglas can get ratings he can keep his job. Cat gives him a handicap match against Kronic. Douglas doesn't like it, but he has no choice.

Back to the production truck where the tag champs aren't wrestling. Oops, I mean, they're entertaining! SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!

Three Count is in the ring, and they say they're going to debut their new single. Crowd half-heartedly boos. Tenay keeps making fun of Tony which makes me smile. Yeesh, this single is worse than the last one. For the love of all things sacred, why is this going on so long? Maybe because I decided to recap this show. Lucky me! Camera shows people not enjoying the performance in the back. Ha! Except for Tank Abbott. He looks like a pedophile. And he can't dance. This song is going over two minutes now, and the crowd is dead. And back to Tank who is enjoying this entirely too much. Finally, it's over. Here comes KRONIC to beat up the little guys. Everyone not named Brian or Bryan gets tossed around. Camera once again goes back to Abbott, and now he's pissed that the song got cut off. By the way, this isn't a match. There's no heat for this at all unless someone is hitting the mat hard. High Time for Evan. Adams has the stick. "It's way past 4:20, and it's time for you to pay the pipers. So bring your butt on down here, and we'll show you what it's like to get smoked by Kronic." WEED! WEED! WEED!

KRONIC vs. "THE FRANCHISE" SHANE DOUGLAS Bell rings, and Douglas starts walking back up the aisle. Crowd boos until Buff comes back out. He runs Douglas all the way back to the ring. Double team by Kronic, whip to the ropes, Douglas avoids a back body drop and takes a short advantage. Uranage by Clark. Announcers tell us this is a three-way dance. Full nelson slam by Adams. Douglas gets whipped to Clark, no, reversed, and now there's some bad blood between Kronic. Oops, maybe not. Douglas gets taken down. High time for Douglas, Adams pins, and it's over. Kronic's music is interrupted by Booker T's original post-Harlem Heat music (I think). And we see on the NitroVision that it's Perfect Event having fun again. Now Kronic is apparently going back to the production truck. They try to leave, but they find out they've been locked in. Hoo hoo! Hee hee! Look at the hilarity! This is WCW!


I've missed so much crap already, but I feel like I'm getting CTS, so I'm not going to worry about it too much. Again, I realize CRZ is the man.

George Foreman IS Meineke Muffler Shops.

Woody the production guy unlocks the truck so that Kronic can beat up Perfect Event.

Here's the hearse with Vampiro and Torborg. Torborg is yelling and looking for Asya, but Vampiro decides he would prefer to take a shovel across his back. Vampiro has Asya now and he throws her to the unconscious Torborg. Vampiro tells Asya he'll be waiting for Torborg "and his pal" when Torborg wakes up.

Mike Awesome and Jeff Jarrett are walking. Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner just happen to be walking at the same time. And guess what folks? More commercials!

Aforementioned commercials.

Man, recapping makes you hungry. I sure could use a VCR right about now. To tape the show, not to eat. But you knew that's what I meant, right? Huh? And why are there so many commercials during this break?

MIKE AWESOME & JEFF JARRETT vs. KEVIN NASH & SCOTT STEINER Clips of Steiner putting Awesome in the Steiner Recliner, followed by the guitar shot and the pin. Apparently, the heels are getting separate entrances, and even this way, the WCW World Heavyweight champ comes out first. Awesome needs to find something else to say besides "Right here baby! Right here!" The Cat's music plays for some reason, and out comes the commish. A few dance steps for us and he goes to the announce table. The faces are getting separate entrances as well, and out first is the WCW United States Heavyweight champ. Heenan says he's going to call Miller Boss Cat from now on. Nash walks out to the ring very SLOOOOOOOOWLY. Heenan and Miller laugh at bad jokes. Bell rings and it's Jarrett and Steiner to start. Lockup, to the corner, no clean break. Jarrett takes him headfirst to the turnbuckle, followed by punches. Clothesline is reversed into a knee. Jarrett to the corner, Steiner punches. Tilt-a-whirl slam followed by an elbow and some push-ups to show off. Steiner tags out and Nash fights slowly-- I mean, deliberately. Whip to the corner, Jarrett tries to hop over but Nash isn't having any of that. Jarrett gains the advantage in the corner, goes to the middle rope, but gets caught in a chokeslam. Awesome gets tagged in and he clotheslines Nash off the top. Cover gets only 2. To the corner with punches. Whip is reversed, Nash comes in with a clothesline. Tag to Steiner pops the crowd a tiny bit. Head to the corner, followed by a few chops. Jarrett gets involved to give Awesome the advantage. Awesome's weak offense gets him a 2 count. Punches, punches, and more punches. There's the tag to Jarrett. "Steiner" chant from the crowd. Steiner gets an opening but Awesome interferes from the outside to cut that short. Double team turns into a Steiner clothesline while Nash holds onto Awesome. Steiner military press slams Jarrett, and damn, there goes a three! Steiner Recliner is put on after the match. The Cat gets into Steiner's face, but Nash takes the Cat down. Awesome is in with the US belt and he takes out Steiner. Awesome takes Steiner down with an Awesome Suplex, but after a boot to the face, Steiner hits his own. He goes for a belly-to-belly from the middle rope but Jarrett breaks it up. Awesome with an Awesome Frog Splash. That Damn Bell rings a few times, but surprisingly doesn't ring forever. Nash comes in to take out the three heels. Play his music! No! Play Goldberg's music! Nash is ready for a fight. Goldberg pretends like he's Triple H and says they do things "on his time." And that's the end of the show, folks!

Well, I made it. I don't think that was too bad for my first outing. I'm a little frazzled, and I think if I did that every week, I could probably get the hang of it, but this was just two hours. Doing four hours on Monday, two hours on Wednesday, and two more hours on Thursday would be next to impossible for me. Plus there's no way I could keep up any semblance of quality recaps for that many hours of wrestling. Mad props go out to CRZ for all the hard work he puts into his recaps and [slash] wrestling. Just amazing. I don't know what I do from here, but I guess we'll find out next Wednesday. How about you guys email me and tell me what you think? No motivation? Well then, your mother smells like a goat and your father eats baby kittens! Until next time..


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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission