|WWF Tough Enough by Evil Mike
WWF TOUGH ENOUGH #5
Yes, yes...I know. There's already two people doing "Tough Enough" recaps here on the site, so why is yet another person doing 'em? Well, I promise to do mine MUCH different from the way Triple S and the Cubs fan (Cubs? That team is still around?) do their's. In fact, this one is SO different, it's actually a recap of an old "Saved by the Bell" episode! So here goes...
Saved by the Bell"
Well, it's another one of those wacky school projects that involve all six of our favorite students at Bayside High, so that can only mean hee-larious hijinks! Or is it "hijincks"? Anyhoo, it seems that the students have to be put together in mock marriages to earn a grade...say, is this even legal? Well, Sack...I mean Zack is conveniently paired with Kelly, Slater is conveniently paired with Jessie (anyone else find it ironically interesting...or interestingly ironic...that Jessie was always the women's rights environmentalist activist...yet she (the actress, not the character) went on to do "Showgirls"? Just checking) and of course...Lisa is paired with Screech. Wow, who saw THAT coming? So we get plenty of Zack drooling over Kelly...Kelly being her usual self (a pair of tits with no brain)...Slater being the chauvinistic jock...Jessie the bitch...Lisa the other bitch and finally Screech, the annoying little pissant fuck that is number nine on my Top Ten list of People to Kill. So the show starts with Ms. Lorett telling everyone how marriage is a sacred...aw, fuck it. Let's just get on with the recap.
You know, I NEVER catch the very first few seconds or sometimes minutes of "Tough Enough" because MTV decides for some moronic reason to start it not only before 10:00pm when it's SUPPOSED to start, but during "SmackDown" Someone explain THAT to me...I don't watch MTV at ALL so maybe that's just the new way of staying "hip" and "with it"...showing programs before they're supposed to start and pissing people...especially me...off.
Usual "Tough Enough" credits. "13 People...Tough Enough...Chasing A Dream...Tough Enough...Maven(Da MAN)...Victoria(GONE!)...Shadrick(Fire Marshal G)...Chris(Scary Dude)...Bobbie Jo(GONE!)...Greg(Second Banana)...Chris(Harvard)...THIS IS NOT A REHEARSAL...The Prize: WWF Contract...Jason(GONE!)...Taylor(Invisible Chick)...Paulina(Chyna Lite)...Josh(Lil' Bitch)...Nidia(Little Mermaid)...Darryl(Baboon)...WWF...Who Is TOUGH ENOUGH"
So now not only are Victoria and Bobbi Jo...or Bobbie Joe...or whatever still in the opening credits, but Jason as well. Looks like Vince aquired wCw's production team as well as (half) the roster.
Previously On... Bobbie Jo and Victoria tell BIG JOHN that they quit, Taz(z) calls 'em quitters, (Hey, that actually makes sense!) Al Snow (w/o Head, Pierre or Pepper) doesn't like the way Baboon talks to him, Baboon alienates everyone in the house and pisses Second Banana off.
Trax Training Facility (You know, by now I think everyone gets the Trax = railroad tracks "joke"...so why do they insist on showing a train going by EVERY time? And is it the same train? And if it leaves Trax at 7:30, and a train leaves the Power Plant at 6:20, at what point will they collide?)
Scary Dude bumps like a friggin' madman, prompting Al to call him "Ritalin Boy" Maybe THAT's why he got all creepy with that chick, he forgot his daily dose of "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" pills.
Paulina continues to annoy the living cat crap out of me by going on and on about how she can't bump correctly, how much she hurts, how if the other girls can't hack it, can SHE hack it? I have the answer to that one, actually...NO! If you're going to keep whining with that unnerving lisp, then pack your stuff and follow Vickie, Bobbie and that other guy out the door.
Now onto...FIRE MARSHALL G?? So far, he's spoken twice, once being the infamous "STOP, DROP AND ROLL, GODDAMMIT!" line. Now they're featuring him...anyone smell surprise cut? Actually, they show him bumping a few times in a row and he actually doesn't look that bad at all...but that doesn't stop Al from telling him to "Do....it....RIGHT!"
Now here's what I don't get...Fire Marshall wasn't that bad at all. Yet Baboon is doing the back-bump as if he's a beached whale (I know, he is) being lowered tail-first from a net. Maybe that was a bad analogy, but the fact still remains that this guy should not have even gotten PICKED, much less made it four weeks. Forget the fact that he's bothering the living hell out of EVERYONE he lives with, he absolutely blows goats in the ring. Harvard with his $0.02, "Darryl stands out as having picked up the least. Beyond the athletic aspects, you know, he's still the worst" Thanks Chris, let us know of any more breaking news we might have missed. And this is where I think that Darryl is clinically retarded. They've been showing clip after clip of him blowing EVERYTHING...yet he has this to say, "I'm still pretty confident about how I'm doing in the gym, how I'm doing in my training. I'm still pretty confident about being the overall winner at the end of this." Maybe Mama Baboon is kinda like Carrie's mother in..."Carrie" Either you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, our savior...or I'll beat the living shit out of you. I think a few licks over the head with her frying pan probably put Darryl into this sorry state. You could almost feel ba- Nah.
BIG JOHN tells everyone that they're scheduled to have dinner with Pat Patterson tonight. If anyone is offended by jokes, stereotypes and innuendos about homosexuals; they should probably either scroll down a tad or hit the little Back button on their browswer, 'cause I cannot pass up this opportunity. Someone (Invisible Chick I think, I couldn't see her, HA!) asks what it is that Pat Patterson does. BIG JOHN doesn't seem to have an answer so Al tells her that Pat was a booker at one time, also planned out matches and their finishes as well as storylines.
Now, to get off topic a moment, (I do this a lot) I don't doubt that he can come up with a great match or finish, he's done some of the best. But if you'd like to know his storyline-writing skills, go to your local video store and rent a copy of Royal Rumble '94. FUHFUHWID (Alright, I'm not completely original...but remember: CRZ = GOD. Think about it, "CRZ" has three letters, "GOD" has three letters, that's no coincidence) to the Undertaker/Yokozuna casket match for the World title. Watch it...and when it's over, if you haven't plunged a ballpoint pen deep into your left eye socket, just remember that Pat Patterson wrote that masterpiece.
So Al tells them to ask him ANY question at all...I REALLY don't think they want to do that. So everyone decides to impress him by cooking a really good meal. So we all take a trip to the grocery store, "FOOD KING!" yell Boon and Otter! Cue crappy music! They all seem to walk aimlessly around and Havard displays how often he goes food shopping by estimating $187 worth of groceries as "definitely under a hundred dollars" So when they go over the limit, Chris pays the difference and asks that everyone split it to pay him back 'cause apparently, BIG JOHN gave 'em a hundred bucks to buy stuff. I think they should have paid ALL of it themselves, but that's me. Now, as soon as we see Darry's big dumb moose head pop up into the picture, we know what's going to happen.
Darryl - "The reason I owe you money is because you decided to go and spend more money than what was necessary. He gave us a hundred dollars and said, 'Go buy dinner for Pat Patterson'"
Chris - "You know, I asked everyone to contribute, you know, to the cost of the dinner, and absolutely no one had any problem with that at all...except for Darryl"
Darryl - "You went out and decided to spend eighty-seven more dollars and come back and tax the house. You didn't ask me, 'Hey Darryl, you wanna-"
Chris - "That's fine, you know, I don't even want to have this argument, I just want my money"
Darryl - "You see where I'm comin' from thou, right?"
Chris - "No"
Evil Mike - "Idiot Village? Moronville?"
At this point, Lil' Bitch interjects and tells us that it was like watching two girls fighting over a hairbrush. Uh, how about no, Josh. It was actually nothing like that. You go back to pretending to be with the women and getting your ass kicked by Da MAN
Darryl - "Look man, I don't have a personal problem with you at all-"
Chris - "Well, I have a personal problem with you"
Darryl - "You have a personal problem with ME?"
Chris - "Yes"
Darryl - "Oh, that's great"
Evil Mike - "Huh?"
Chris - "Here's your money, I'll see you later"
Crappy music starts up again...and I notice that they're making sausages...need I say more? Bell rings and a cry of "He's here!" brings up twenty to thirty-year old clips of the First Intercontinental Champion. One of them is Pat E. Cakes beating Sgt. Slaughter with a belt. Now, I knew about Pat, but I never though Sarge was into that stuff, I mean, he had his own GI Joe for Chrissakes! He seems to spend more time greeting Second Banana and Scary Dude than Mermaid or Invisible Chick. And after all those supermarket shenanigans, we don't even get to see whather Pat liked the din-din or not. We go straight to everyone in the living room where Pat says, "This is interesting, so you all want to be wrestlers?" HOLY SHIT! Is THAT why they're there?? I thought this was another season of "Real World"! ("It is") Shut up. Taylor actually speaks up, prompting Chyna Lite to call her a suck-up. Then Patterson treats us to his history, how he moved down from Montreal to become a wrestler after "borrowing" twenty bucks for his sister or something, I was taking a leak at this point. He says that he knew the US would be the only place to go to make it in wrestling. I guess Mexico and Japan didn't exist back then, but whatever. He also mentions that he didn't speak a word of English, seeing as how those damn Canucks all speak Canadianese. More meaningless stuff is thrown around, with the only thing of note being the sudden push of Taylor as being very pushy to get noticed. Funny, since I've heard more than a few "Who?"s when her name is mentioned, hence the moniker "Invisible Chick" Before Pat departs, he shows us how he STILL can't speak English by "making a cheer" rather than "making a toast"
Trax Training Facility
All new Jackass Sunday, don't miss "Heat" at 7/6c, season premiere of "Celebrity Deathmatch" at 8/7c, "Undergrads" at 8:30/7:30c and "Jackass" at 10/9c...all while a little rubber pig poops in the background. I got one of those a few weeks ago, it's pretty funny...although I get the feeling I'll be burning it before too long because it's being featured WAY too much on this channel
MTV is giving us "Tough Enough" thanks to M&Ms(TM) and Elements(TM)...I'll be sure to send a card or something
Okay...this M&M(TM) commercial is just plain stupid...and I fear I'll see it at least twice more before the show is over
I think this little cartoon for Elements(TM) was supposed to be funny...
Alright, as if the M&M(TM) commercial wasn't bad enough, both the kids in this Juicy Fruit(TM) commercial need to die
"I'm your penis, I'm your blah-blah..." Well, what do YOU think it sounds like?
Cell phones, colorful umbrellas and stupid-looking boots will apparently get you laid
If you want a nickname, you gotta earn it, yo. So buy athletic shoes at Foot Locker(TM) and your homies can call you "Sneaker Pete"
"Planet of the Apes" Marky Mark is no Charlton Heston...then again, NOBODY is
There's that poopin' pig again
Trax Training Facility (w/train)
Aw, Baboon is trying to fit in by laying on the floor...or something. It seems everyone's jealous of him and afraid of their chances. And I'm starting to doubt Fire Marshall's sanity after he makes nice-nice with our friend, the Baboon.
BIG JOHN doesn't like the fact that his house is a mess...then asks if anyone wants to go out. Well, that served no purpose. By the by, is it actually HIS house?
While at a local bar, BIG JOHN tells everyone that the loser at a dart game has to give ten push-ups to each of the winners, while saying "I'm (whoever)'s bitch" Even BIG JOHN is in on this one. Oh, and JOHN? You look like a total chode with the backwards hat. All guys are in on it.
Wow, suddenly the Invisible Chick is getting quite a bit of air time. She talks about her crappy life, and we see her on the phone...that's about it.
Of course, we all saw this coming. Baboon tells everyone that he'll kick their asses...then ends up losing. BIG JOHN says that the reprecussion for not doing push-ups is he'll be out of the house...as if he's making it past this episode anyway. On the way home, everyone knocks off two push-ups by having Darryl run up the driveway. While he does so, everyone is in hysterics. Once there, he tells them how they're idiots...okay
Trax Training Faciltiy
Why does MTV think I give two shits in a leather handbag where Blink 182 has their fan mail sent?
I just noticed that the "brought to you by MTV" thingy's background is a few ears of corn...
Annoying M&M(TM) commercial #2
New Elements(TM) cartoon...still not funny...
I could do without the Lugz(TM) commercials
Well, not EVERYONE is going to know what I'm talking about here, but Jonathan Coachman is an idiot for identifying the Nassau Coliseum as being in New York City...not to mention the fact that "Too Bad to Broadcast" is WWF-ese for "house show"
Poopin' pig yet again...I just threw mine out the window
Trax Training Facility
BIG JOHN says they have a decision to make....ooooohhh...
Shadrick(Fire Marshall G)
Hmmm, I wonder...
In the truck, Da MAN tells Baboon that if he takes his shirt off and runs into the supermarket while doing football dances, everyone will knock off their push-ups.
Meanwhile, Fire Marshall G hangs out with the wimenz and they all feel bad for him...that's about it.
Da MAN tells Baboon that he will buy a loaf of bread if Baboon takes his shrit off, runs up the the chick at the register, yells "BREAKDOWN!" and spikes the bread...then he'll be debt-free of everyone's push-ups. This sends everyone into hysterics yet again...and you could almost feel bad for Dar- Nah...
The next morning, Baboon actually tries making friends...it seems. He says if he gets cut, there should be less comedy...huh?
Oh, did I mention that he's wearing stylish yellow "pants"?
Al lets everyone know that if they open their locker and there's a red tag, they've gotten the boot, which sets up quite the nerve-wracking suspenseful sequence...or something...
HA! FOOLED YA!
Honestly, who actually DIDN'T think he was getting cut this week? As soon as he sees the red tag of paper hanging from the top of his locker, he adopts the "I'm a sad moose" face and tells everyone to "look at this" I'm sure that EVERY SINGLE person in that locker room was just ACHING to point & laugh, jump for joy, start up the brass band, sing "Joy to the World" and all that happy-crappy.
By the by...where is the camera in the locker to get a picture of his face like that?
Baboon tries his hardest not to cry and lets out some unintelligable phrases like "Get money, boys" and "Let's do this, man" while everyone shakes his hand or pats his back as quickly as possible so he can get the hell out.
Baboon's Final Words
When asked what he's going to do, he tells 'em that he might go back to summer school...what grade is HE in? Al lets everyone know that he's sorry to see him gone (HA!) but that's how it's done. He takes Baboon's chair and turns it into a tombstone, adding it to the graveyard...which I honestly though was going to elicit cheers and applause. Al says that Darryl obviously wasn't "Tough Enough"
We close the show with Baboon crying into the camera, "There are thousands of people that wanted to be here" and "People last, bad times don't" And thus ends the Retarded Baboon Era as he drives away...narrowly missing the Hummer.
Athletic Gear Provided By
On the Next "Tough Enough"
I guess we'll have to wait 'till next week because that just confused the shit out of me.
You know, when I first heard it, I thought "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm was pretty good. Then I heard it a second, third, fourth time...now that it's being played CONSTANTLY on EVERY episode, they've moved up to number seventeen on my list of People to Kill
So, thus ends episode number five in a series of...uh...well, more than five of "Tough Enough" My rating for this one is:
Don't ask me to explain my rating system, if you do, I will kill you until you die
Feel free to E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com with any compliments, comments, suggestions, thoughts, nude pictures of Trent Lott, etc
One last thing, if you're offended or do not like the way I recap the show, there's a simple solution: Open a vein...