|WWF Tough Enough by Evil Mike
TOUGH ENOUGH #7
EXPLANATION: I bet you're all just DYING to know where I was last week. Well basically, I'm a moron. I sent my recap to the wrong address and it was Tuesday or Wednesday before I finally realized it...and of course, I didn't save a copy of it. So any of you that live in the Long Island area and have a frozen herring handy, feel free to slap me six or seven times with it.
POLL: What's your favorite breakfast cereal? E-mail me with your choice; whether it be Cocoa Puffs, Cracklin' Oat Bran or Horkin' Fiber Chunks; and I will post the results in next week's recap!
CONTEST: If you can tell me just what is so Super about Shane Spear, then I will mention your name...yes, YOUR NAME in a future recap!
CONFESSION: Yes, the polls and contests are just simple and pathetic ploys for me to actually get "fan" mail since I am one sad and lonely man...
I GET (one) LETTER(s): from some guy without a name. Yes, the Cubs are still around and they're a first place team. Well, I guess someone didn't like my comment about the "baseball team" known as the Cubs. I bet everyone in the Windy City is just shitting their pants in glee over the fact that this is the first time since about Taft was in the White House that their precious team is anywhere NEAR the top of the standings. Kudos to Guy Without a Name and all other Chicago-ians on their apparent renewed will to live. By the by, weren't the Cubs the team of choice in that idiotic movie "Rookie of the Year" with the kid from "American Pie" in it? Thought so...oh yeah, Yanks are going to make their Series streak four-long this year, it's inevitable. Makes me glad I live in New York...and not in Ill E. Noise
WWF TOUGH ENOUGH
First a quick thing about last week's show...I'm starting to believe the editing conspiracy theory here. I mean, Episode #5 saw Fire Marshal G and Chyna Lite both sucking about equally...then in Episode #6, Shadrick was still fudgin' up left and right, but Paulina and Scary Dude had apparently switched places. And then this week, we get some more flip-flopping. Say, maybe it's not editing...but fixed? Nahh...
You know, the folks in charge of the schedule over at MTV need to die horrible and unspeakable deaths. After the last few weeks of the show starting both before 10:00pm and before "SmackDown" was over, I decided to miss the main event this week and tune in to actually catch the beginning of "Tough Enough"...and what did I see? The end of LAST week's episode...which ran until about 10:03pm! What in the name of Goofus and Gallant is going on here? They keep this happy crappy up and I'll feel the need to clean out my .30-.30 while trying to recall where the nearest bell tower is.
Well, I guess by now I should stop noting how ALL the cut and/or quitted (I doubt that's a word) wrestlers are STILL in the credits. I mean, seeing as Jason, Victoria, Bobbie Jo, Darryl and Shadrick are all accounted for...
Oh yeah, and we see Chyna Lite talking about her hurt knee from the first week when she smashed it on a rock during the hootenanny Taz(z) was hosting in the pig shit.
Bump, bump, someone's hurt, bump, bump, someone else is hurt, bump, bump, Chyna Lite's knee is locking up on her. She tries to justify the idiocy that is her not telling anyone about it for three or four weeks by telling us, "I'm hurt all the time, I didn't want them to hear about ANOTHER injury from me" Makes me wonder what would happen if someone had bludgeoned her with a tire iron. Al Snow (w/o Head, Pierre or Pepper) tells her how much she's NOT impressing him by working with a serious injury. She's much better just watching than not being there at all. I should mention that all the while in the background, Second Banana is having quite the rough time of pulling off his sock.
A Hummer and an SUV are driving down a dirt road...sounds like a joke, eh? Eh? Ah, screw you.
Ooh, another phone call sequence! Let's see here...
Da MAN misses his sickly mother (and I'm disappointed
that she made no mention of whether or not she's found
out with a "dyke" is)
Gee, what a nice house.
Chyna Lite seems to think a small ice pack applied to her pants will help. Oh boy! This episode wouldn't be complete without scenes of people waking up!
Trax Training Facility (we get the "joke" already,
Montage of Kurt's fireworks, his F'N BOSSOME moonsault off the top of the cage a few months ago, and matches against Spike Dudley and...the Rock? Hey, as much as I like Lil' Spike, isn't that kind of a jump? And before you jump on my case, I hate the Rock with the fire of a thousand suns.
Since Kurt is WWF superstar, he will make a speech, which I will transcribe verbatim:
Kurt Angle: "As all of you know, my name's Kurt Angle. And if you watch me on TV, my character portrays the three I's: Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence. I was in amateur wrestling for almost twenty years, and I was a six-time national champion on the Olympic level, and in 1996 I won the Olympic Gold Medal. And I remember in 1996, Vince and Linda McMahon asked me to come up to Stamford Connecticut to the WWF Headquarters. And I went up there with the attitude that I had be taught all my life...that pro wrestling was fake...it's a joke. I went into Vince McMahon's office and he offered me a multi-million dollar contract. And I didn't laugh in his face, but inside I was laughing. So I went home and called my agent, and together we ripped up that contract, because I didn't understand what it was all about.
"So about two and a half years later I'm sitting at home, I turn on 'RAW' I'm watching these superstars perform...for me, the audience. And after the first one I was hooked. Not because of the storylines, but because of the athleticism, because of what they do. I realized that these people are real athletes. I realize what we do now, you entertain people, but we entertain people to a higher degree. It's adrenaline. It kicks in and you know that you're going to get out there and perorm for millions of people watching TV and thousands in the arena-"
I REALLY need to stop and note Scary Dude at this point. Either he's really sick or about to cry, 'cause he's got one STRANGE look on this face. Anyhoo, on with the speech...
Kurt Angle: "There's nothing like it, there's just something special about it. I think that's what I'm addicted to"
Kurt then watches the contestants bump a bit, then joins 'em in the ring and teaches them one of the most important aspects...selling. Funny how they didn't have Undertaker do this part. He tells them that when they grab the ropes while in a submission hold, they should be thanking God they're there, and showing it clearly. That when they're in a submission hold, they should be struggling and yelling and showing the pain in their face. That's the other half of the story. Kurt Angle is my favorite wrestler...just thought I'd get that out.
Now Kurt shocks us be revealing that there's a FOURTH I! *gasp* Scary Dude says, "And I'm sayin', 'what I?' then I'm thinkin' eyeball and he had this little manila envelope and says 'reach in here' and I'm like, 'we're goin' somewhere'" Thanks Chris, you can stop talking now. Oh, I get it! I-glasses! The FOURTH I is I-glasses! Oh wait, those are sunglasses...forget I said anything. Kurt informs everyone that the FOURTH I is I-land, 'cause they're going to the Bahamas...and I can actually hear the enraged screams of every wrestler in OVW and the WWF's myriad of other developmental territories. Funny thing is, they seemed more excited a couple weeks ago when they all went to "SmackDown", go figure.
Of course, we now need to see a sped-up montage of people packing! Why do they think we need to see this, anyway? And why is Lil' Bitch wearing a space helmet? Oh, he's getting his hair dyed...sorry Josh, but your head could be freakin' blue and it would change the fact that you are an annoying little bitch. Harvard prepares for fun in the sun by lyin' back and reading "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand. Before I can venture a guess as to whether or not that's a porno, we learn that the ENTIRE cast is FUCKING STUPID when we see them all ask each other what ocean the Bahamas are on. I was about to run head-first into a wall when I realized that the majority of mindless idiots that embrace MTV as the best thing since sliced bread (and it's sequel "Sliced Bread II: Electric Boogaloo") probably don't even know what ocean the UNITED STATES is on, much less the Bahamas.
Looks like Harvard's a loner. He tells us that he doesn't hang out with everyone else because they annoy the hell out of him...I feel your pain Chris. Lil' Bitch adds his $0.02 by saying that Harvard might not be interested in the things they talk about. Now everyone's actually laughing at their own blatant stupidity 'cause no one knows what ocean the Goddamn Bahamas are on. Harvard punctuates this by saying that the rest of 'em always talk about stupid stuff and he'd rather not participate in meangingless discussions. I'm half-agreeing with him, half-not at this point.
Ooh, house at night.
Uh-oh, Chyna Lite's got herself an MRI. Her voice-over tells us how she doesn't think her body can take much more...I don't know if I can take much more of her complaining. Paulina and Da MAN discuss her MRI, and stupidity yet again abounds when they both incorrectly describe an MRI as an X-ray and a CAT scan. I'm not even going to BEGIN getting into the differences between the three. Retarded Chick tries to help Chyna Lite read her results...isn't that cute when they pretend to do something they can't?
"The Others" I find the English accents scary enough...
Vans(tm) shoes apparently make you nasty, get scars and perform impossible bike stunts...I want some!
God I hate Old Navy(TM) And whatever happened to that old chick with the big glasses?
Ah, the Pepsi(TM) challenge...I have NEVER seen one of these near me. Besides, I don't care what anyone else says, there's no friggin' difference between the two.
Two really ugly kids and a teddy bear tell us not to chew Polar Ice Gum(TM)
You know, Angelina Jolie looked quite fuckable in "Bone Collector" and "Girl, Interrupted" Hell, even "Tomb Raider" but she looks FUGLY in this one
Hmm, I wonder if John Travolta will make a cameo...or sue...
Well, I'm guessing they all took a boat to the Bahamas 'cause there they are...accompanied by that damn annoying music. You know, they look pretty unimpressed with the place. Da MAN's got big eyebrows. Retarded Chick tells us, "We're all in pain and all hurt, this was perfect timing" Excuse me for being blunt and rude....Hey bitch! Wrestlers struggling to make it in this world are forced to go through YEARS and sometimes DECADES being hurt and in pain and rejected and disappointed and embarassed and ridiculed and all-out FUCKED! And that's WITHOUT a free house and free events and free trips to the Bahamas. So how about you take another GOOD look at what YOU have and compare it to the average struggling wrestler and then eat what LITTLE shit you DO have with a smile and SHUT THE FUCK UP!
*whew* I had to get that off my chest.
Jellyfish are cool-looking. Josh looks even more stupid with his new hairstyle, if that's possible. More fun in the sun...at this point, I check my local listings to make sure "Real World" didn't somehow get scheduled to go on during "Tough Enough" 'cause I definitely would not put it past the geniuses at MTV.
Ooh, Lil' Bitch bought a flute! And I get the sinking feeling I'm going to be hearing him play the Goddamn thing all episode. Everyone tells us how much they like Josh. Chyna Lite says, "I love Josh, who doesn't love Josh?" HARVARD! Chris tells us that Josh acts like an immature idiot whenever they're out in public...and not in a funny way, which I agree with. He's blowin' on that flute like it was his own father. Now everyone talks about Harvard being a sourpuss...which I CAN see.
Hey, BIG JOHN came along! He's talking to Chyna Lite about her bum knee...and offers some "advice"
That night, BIG JOHN holds the drawing of the two names of people that'll be able to have visitors. I already smell trouble. First person picked out of the hat...Josh! Who the hell is HE going to invite? Second person...Greg! Harvard tells us how happy he is that Second Banana was picked, 'cause his girlfriend is in the hospital and won't be able to come up. So Chris offers Greg $150 for his spot...this guy is loaded, isn't he? And I mean with money.
Lil' Bitch is blowin' on the fucking flute again, and we close in on Harvard trying to read while he keeps it up incessantly...leading me to believe that at any moment, Chris is going to give Josh the world's first musical rectal implant...'cause I know that's what I'd do.
Hey look! Invisible Chick can't dance for shit!
Everyone complains about Harvard being a party pooper while he tries to get into the hotel room, obviously shitfaced. As he enters, Lil' Bitch actually has the balls to tell someone ELSE that THEY'RE acting like an ass. Before I can say, "Go look in the mirror!" Harvard is over in a second, grabbing his shirt and instead I yell "KILL HIM!" Too bad he just goes to sleep while everyone continues to bitch about him...Chris that is. I'm really starting to believe that this is either fixed or everyone one of these people are freakin' stupid.
Aw, it's time to go home...time for another packing montage! And if you don't notice the BLATANTLY OBVIOUS Foot Locker(TM) plugs here, then put down the remote and kill yourself. No one wants to go home. BIG JOHN tells us how intense the situation is going to get in the next few weeks...which leaves us with a lingering slow-motion shot of Chyna Lite...so if you don't know by now that she's either getting cut or quitting, then you need to go quietly masturbate with a cheese grater.
Ooh! The VMAs are coming! I wish I gave a shit!
What the hell did a sleeping guy and the number three have to do with Nike(TM)??
You know, I will never eat M&Ms again after this commercial
Screw the Vans(TM)! I best be gettin' me some Lugz(TM) so's I can blast da urf wif mah JAMMIN' beat and meet dem flah ladies!
"Jurassic Park III" Fair warning folks: It sucks. In fact, I've seen ALL of the "summer blockbusters" so far and NONE of them have impressed me in the least
I used to have such a crush on Dave Thomas...
I just realized that the "Too Bad to Broadcast" title can be taken a number of ways
"Chick Inn"!! GET IT?!?
MTV2...does anyone REALLY need me to explain the sad irony here?
I TOLD you I smelled trouble in paradise! (anyone that mentions Hulk Hogan will be dragged out into the street and shot in the crotch) It seems that while everything with Harvard is hunky-dory, Second Banana's girlfriend (Third Banana?) had her surgery postponed, so she can make it! Da MAN tells Greg to get her ass up here. Now this next part is interesting, because Harvard has now taken Baboon's role and Banana has taken Harvard's role in the arguement from Episode #5 Now, what Harvard is saying is valid, but giving it back is STILL the right thing to do and he doesn't have to be such a dick about it, either. You know, I like the guy when he's trying to kill Lil' Bitch, but it's at times like this when he gets on my nerves. Basically, Greg is SOL
Chyna Lite took her MRI results to an orthopedic surgeon in town...anyone STILL not sure of who's gone this episode?
Al makes fun of Lil' Bitch's sun blister, telling him it was too much brown-nosing. Actually, I think it's Herpes from sniffing public toilets...but that's just me. Al takes a rather large piece of tape, spreads it across Josh's face and proceeds to draw a kitty kat on it...while sarcastically remarking about Josh's animalistic sex life. Sad thing is, Lil' Bitch seems to be taking it seriously.
Montage of bumps...boy, this "wrestling" stuff sure annoys me by interrupting the trips to the Bahamas and strip clubs.
BIG JOHN asks who everyone's taking. Lil' Bitch makes up a name on the spot. Banana, when asked, tells BIG JOHN to talk to Harvard. I actually thought this would lead to a fight, which I would LOVE to see...especially if a missed punch "accidentally" ripped Josh's larynx out.
HOLY GIGGLING GOPHER SHIT! Da MAN went from "Rocky Maivia" black to "Faarooq" black! How the hell did he do that?? Anyway, he thinks Harvard is a dick and so do I...but Harvard doesn't think so.
Aw, Paulina is sad... BIG JOHN explains the situation of Chyna Lite's bum knee to the trainers, including Jackie and Tori(who?) They all say how they'd love for her to stick around, but they don't want her to kill herself. BIG JOHN apparently told her to sleep on it...wouldn't that hurt?
Back at the house, Paulina isn't too optimistic and wishes for a crystal ball while Harvard is trying to hide his glee at the fact that she's going to be leaving.
The next day at Trax, Chyna Lite is all smiles as she tells Al that she's withdrawing. She then breaks into tears gives each of the trainers both a ten-minute long hug and a card. Then she spends another half an hour hugging Invisible and Retarded Chicks. Then, as if she ran out of people she actually cared about, she hugs Lil' Bitch while calling him a wiseass. Finally, she tries to hug BIG JOHN, but as huge as she is, she can't quite get her arms around him. He thanks her and off she goes in the SUV of No Return.
Chyna Lite's Last Words: "Now I've wrestled Al Snow and Tori and Jackie...and...um...I'd like to give it a shot again...when I'm 100% I really could see myself being a superstar...I really could"
Next Week on "Tough Enough"
Die Alien Ant Farm...DIE!
FINAL THOUGHTS: As much as I made fun of Paulina all this time...I'd bang her in half a second. All in all, my rating for Episode #7 is:
Don't ask me to explain my rating system, if you do, I will kill you until you die
Feel free to E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com with any compliments, comments, suggestions, thoughts, nude pictures of Trent Lott, etc
One last thing, if you're offended or do not like the way I recap the show, there's a simple solution: Open a vein...