|WWF Tough Enough 2 by Shane Spear
Wow. Another season of Tough Enough? Let's see how long I manage this time. Let's go back to last season where a star was born. Yes, I'm talking about Shadrick. Boy, did HE make an impact. Also make note of the typos. See those? Yeah, you're going to have to get used to those if you're going to read my reports. So that pretty much completes your five second training to prepare yourself for this season.
We are in beautiful Caesar's (not the salad) Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada. Or Atlantic City. Or Las Vegas. The judges are Al Snow, Bob "Hardcore" Holly, Ivory, Chavo (who?) Guerrero Jr, John "Big" Gaburick (you may remember him from last season), Jim Ross, Kevin "King of the overbite" Dunn, and various random MTV judges!
Holly gets to speak first. Despite the fact that we just saw him twenty seconds ago, they feel the need to remind us who he is. Ugh, and I just noticed that when you freeze frame him, he looks like Chris Candino. Poor Bob. Anyway, he gets to the point, which is that the contestants need some good physical ability. JR goes over the various things they are going to have to do. There's some of those clapping push-ups. Yeah, I hated those. Geez, you have to do that lame "jumping over the punching-bags" game again this time around. Oh, and the ever famous kick-up. Yeah, I see Nash and Wight do that all the time.
Jake (23/weldon, ca) is the first contestant to be focused on. He's a firefighter, which must be extremely difficult in the bursting metropolis of Weldon. He has just the cutest little mohawk too! The rest of his head is shaved. He's built quite well, so he naturally has no problem with the bags, the push-ups, and the Jackie Chan thing. On the mike, he brags about himself (character) and proclaims to have a 20-inch pipe. Then he pulled out a metal pipe to hit the Undertaker with. Nono, I kid, it was just a simple dick reference. He challenges one of the MTV judges to get in the ring. Get the guy who came up with Undressed, Jake! He gets excited, so he leans on the ropes. About eight of the judges yell at him to get off the ropes.
Next in the ring is Katrina (19/milan, mi) who looks like a really, really orange Cabbage Patch Kid. She goes to one of the smaller campuses at the University of Minnesota, where she wrestles. Her dad has been her coach since she was a little kid. Since she was a girl wrestler with fifteen guys (yeah, I saw that episode of Saved By The Bell) she only got a few wins. During her character speech, she stumbles a lot, which causes Big to ask her if she's nervous. She's crying a little and says she wants to do good. Ken Mok (exec producer) jumps in and asks her what her biggest challenge to overcome in life was. Surprisingly, she does not bring up her inability to leave the tanning booth. Back in 1999, she had a serious car accident and she ended up breaking her back. Holly asks her why she crying, and she says she just wants it so bad.
Random exercising with quasi-techno muzac! I remember this! Here's some contestants stretching. Here's this big, black dude who is stealing the late Chris Farley's hand motions. After he's done, his friend(?) mocks him. NOTCHRISFARLEY is also known as Robert (23/chicago, il.) He can make his boobies wiggle. Great. Al Snow asks him what one of his worst times was. Robert says it was when he was sleeping on the floor next to his mom, because they had no home. They had nothing to eat but chips. He decided to do something different with his life, so that his kids wouldn't have to struggle. The judges thank him and dismiss him.
Oh ho, it's time for a laugh! Here comes Cosmo (18/sherman oaks, ca) who just happens to be a tad overweight. As in his body jiggles when he takes his shirt off. Big asks him to turn around, as is probably sorry he asked, because when Cosmo turned we see the crack of his ass. OK, I don't cut the slimmest figure myself, so I know better than to take my shirt off in front of a bunch of well-tones athletes (and Big...and Jim Ross.) I also know to say NO to crack my making sure my pants/shorts fit. Ugh, why am I still talking about him? Why is Jim Ross still talking about him? I think it's safe to say that he will NOT be making the final 25.
Just to drive home the point, MTV now feels fit to show the fattest of fat try and jump around the punching bags. Also, there's shots of girls how just don't have the coordnation to jump over the bags. Do I have to tell you that some more quasi-techno is playing? Overbite takes the time to proclaim that "sheth wasth ridiciously clumseth."
Next up is Greg (24/salt lake city, ut) who IS a Mormon folks, just in case you have "Mormon" on your TE religion bingo card. Just like a Mormon, it's the first thing he tells us. Here's his home video, where he measures himself and does push-up with a milk mustache. Overbite asks why Greg doesn't have sex. I guess he wasn't present earlier. Greg says that he was raised with the belief that sex is something to be saved for marriage. The judges laugh at him. Yeah! Fuck you Mormons! MTV has no tolerance for your wacky lifestyle!
Next on the chopping block is Danny (21/durham, nh.) Danny calls himself the Danimal. Then he calls his "fans" Danimals. That makes no sense, but I'm getting a wicked urge for some yogurt. One of the judges asks him how tall he is. Danny says he's "pushing" 5'10". The judges know he's lying and call him on it. Yup, he's an inch shorter. Danny says he knew he'd have to look special. So he decided to dance. He is the smartest contestant ever, but if there's one thing the WWF likes...it's midgets. But if there's TWO...the other one is dancing. Sadly, Danny has never really taken dance lessions. He saves it by doing his Angle impression, which finally gets a smile on the judges faces. Ivory and Holly agree that he tried his damnest to entertain them. Then Overbite has to ruin the mood by saying it was the worst Angle impression ever.
Commercials. C'Mon Tenacious D! Don't let the Osbornes drag you down with them!
Back from the break, here's Josh's brother Rudy (23/toledo, oh.) One of the MTV judges asks why they should put him on TV, and Rudy claims that he's even better than Josh. Josh has overtaken him in popularity. Snow ribs him about how Josh beat him on the show. Rudy claims that he will make it all the way.
This is another montage of people who you will never see again. Now they are doing their characters in the ring. The first guy is Chris Jericho's clone, who probably lost the judges when he said the words "how tannen my body is." Hey! It's Russell Hammond (only now he's calling himself Demon Flesh or some other crappy name.) At the end of this, we meet Matt (25/fairfield, ct) who weighs 335 lbs of muscle. He does a good job with everything but the kick-ups. The judges ask him how it felt to fail that, but Matt just asked for another chance to do something. JR asks if he comes from a big family. Matt tells him how his mother and brother are very large as well. Ross tells the others that if he's going to do it, he needs to do it now.
Next is a very energetic girl named Alicia (18/bend, or) who is ready to be hardcore. Yeah, she used to get into a lot of arguments and she drives around in a car that says "White Trash Princess." She doesn't talk to her parents anymore because they hate professional wrestling. They ask if she'd quit if her parents asked her to. She says no because she's "The Lone Ranger."
Anni (23/monument, co) is the next to come into the ring. Her home video shows her working out a lot. She holds some record or another for bench pressing. Bottom line is that she is really Chyna. No matter what she says or does the rest of the series, everybody will call her the next Chyna. She was always a large girl. She's proud of that.
Here come the clowns because it's time to laugh at anybody who never took marshal arts! I have it on good authority (my own) that kick-up are in fact, hard to do! I just tried one a minute ago and nearly broke my heel. Al Snow smiles slyly. Like he's ever done this. Hardcore Holly tries out his new catchphrase -- "Goddammit."
Here's somebody doing his push-ups in the ring. It's Shad (20/lithonia, ga) who was into Boxing. He's a bouncer right now. He feels stereotyped by the types of clothes that he wears and the friends he hangs out with. But he's a real nice guy, just ask Nolan Richardson. Shad is real cordial and laid back in his own world, but in the real world he has an outer cover.
They have another montage of contestants trying to impress the judges by throwing out random percentages over one-hundred. This causes Holly to use his new catchphrase again. Either that or MTV really liked the way he said it the first time, so they did it again. Ivory walks backstage to tell them to make an ass of themselves, so that she wouldn't be so bored.
Hawk (20/ponte vedra beach, fl) is talking to us in a pre-taped interview. No, he is not of the Legion of Doom. He's the craziest sumbitch they'll ever meet. He's not kidding. He yelps while jumping over the bags, causing Al Snow to get scared. He flops like a fish while doing his push-ups. He claims to "no longer" be on Ritilan. I say denial. Ivory asks him to go jump in a water fountain in the background. He bolts over there and jumps in. Jim Ross uses his "pet coon" cliche. After running back into the ring, they tell him to do it again. He does. He probably does it a couple more times, but we'll never know because it's commercial time.
We come back to Aaron (23/virginia beach, va) who makes a terrible joke about how he accidently sent them a video of him and his girlfriend having sex. Only his jokes had Tommy Lee in it, which I suppose was funny back in 1996 or so. This guys is also a genius, because he sucks up to Ivory. How good is he? He brings up GLOW, for crying out loud (for you new fans, that was THE woman's fed way before WOW came along.) The judges ask him to do something embarrassing. He yanks down his shorts. But he won't go any further because of the shrinkage (it was cold outside.)
He's a guy on a videotape calling me a fat hillbilly. It's Brendan (24/newark, nj) who has an impress portfolio of photographs. Why, he even looks like a Calvin Klein model. Here he comes into the ring, looking quite...husky. So husky that the background muzac slows to a halt. An MTV judge asks him if they were real photos. Ivory asks if the photos were computer-made. Brendan keeps trying to deny it while Ken Mok (head producer) keeps badgering him. Brendan claims he just had a big Halloween. He finally leaves, while some judge yells at him to enjoy Thanksgiving.
Wow, this next guy is athletic. John (22/palos verdes, ca) can do the pushup claps in front of AND behind his back. He was the president (president?) of his gymnastics team at some college. He does the jumping and the ninja kick-up with ease. He feels that if he can learn a new move, it's a good day. Jim Ross asks him to do a spinarooni. John asks what a spinarooni is. JR must've been waiting for this as he goes off on John complaining that he doesn't like their product. While being lectured, John does the best spinarooni ever. It lasts about fifteen seconds. Not the best part however. The BEST part is when Ivory leans over to JR and says, "That's a pretty goooood spinarooni." Ross looks PISSED!! I mean, you could have Hawaii U beat Oklahoma 77-0 in football and Ross wouldn't be more upset. John is my new hero, as is Ivory.
The girl on the microphone is Linda (23/cincinnati, oh) and I can't understand a damn word she is saying. I guess Lilian Garcia's job is safe. Linda is about to graduate from college. She also plays basketball and hangs out with her mom. Jim Ross asks her whether she was a power or finesse player. She says she did whatever little she could to help out the team. The judges sarcastically tell her to have a better attitude next time, because she was apparently the nicest person ever. At least that's what Overbite said, in not so many articulate words.
Pete (20/manalapan, nj) is a former fatty who was made fun of until about four years ago. The judges asks what the chances of him hooking up in the house are. He probably saw the Cabbage Patch Katrina earlier, so he said probably not that good. Actually, he's a little shy around the ladies.
In another montage of no-namers, he get to hear parts of the contestant's promos. One kid points out his jaw and says Sooooooperstar so high it hurts Chavo's ears. Chavo also points out that a lot of guys say the same thing. Here's the proof as we see that a lot of the guys just say how great they are and how all the women want them. One guy points out how no WWF star has been in Playgirl. No judges counter with HBK, damn them. Another guy calls himself "Erectus Maximus." Yet another guy barks. That's right, he tries to STEAL Rick Steiner's gimmick. My favorite is this girl who shoves all her waist-deep hair forward and says "I can pretty much scare the crap out of anyone like this."
Kenny (20/las vegas, nv) says that if you want to be a champion, you got to be a champion in everything you do. That's fucking deep Kenny. He's going to be the best bag-jumper, dancer, and love-maker ever. He also says that if the judges can't see his desire, they can't see anything. He actually has enough charisma to make it seem good. He also tells a story about how he was watching RAW and the fire alarm went off. He and his friends like the WWF so much that they just stayed in the dorm...AND BURNED ALIVE! Not really. Maybe Jake came and rescued them.
Al Snow says that a lot of people will say that they'll do anything, but when it comes down to it, they won't. Jackie (19/columbus, oh) may prove him wrong. Ivory asks if she's a crazy girl. She says yes. Ivory tells her to go jump in the fountain. Jackie said she would, but she doesn't feel like being pushed around. Ivory says not to bother. Jackie stares at her for a few seconds, and then runs over to the fountain and jumps in. Ugh, at least you had pride five seconds ago Jackie!
Cutting into the next contestant, we find Dan (19/eureka, ca.) Dan (who is smart enough not to call himself the Danimal) is wearing some sort of flannel pajamas for a bottom. He's boring Al Snow to death with his monotone speech. We cut into his home video shot, where Dan (in his oh-so-trendy nWo shirt) claims that the only reason he wants in is to get into Tazz' face. Holly asks why he hates Tazz. Dan says it's because he's a piece of shit. Snow cracks on his pjs, while Dan fires back by cracking a joke on Head. Holly wishes him good luck in his life hating Tazz. Once he leaves, Big mouths to Overbite to make sure Dan is in the final 25, because he's got a surprise. COULD IT BE TAZZ?
Jessie (21/greenfield,wi) flexes her muscles as a joke (she has skinny arms.) Big asks if she ready to work out for eight to ten hours a day. She says that she can do it. Big asks if she can handle being thrown around the ring. Jessie says she hopes so, because if she's not she's screwed. Overbites says that the WWF is screwed too. Jessie classifies herself as a normal person. She says she's tough because she's been on her own since she was seventeen. She has a tattoo on her back standing for the life that her mother still has because she tried to commit suicide. Afterwards, all the judges say that she has a huge heart, but the physical side is a question. She is by far the cutest one yet (which means she probably won't win.) Commercials
Hey, I guess all the interviews are over because they are gathered outside the next day. They are all waiting for the list of the top twenty-five choices to be posted. One girl knows she's going to be one the list. MTV doesn't show her name, so I don't believe her. About four more people say the same thing. Cabbage Patch won't give up if she doesn't make it. We also get quick remarks from Shad and Cute Jessie. Eventually, Big comes out to address the crowd. He says the usual speech about not giving up and blah blah blah. Once the names are posted, the twenty-five people come in. I only counted twenty-one people earlier, and I don't think the fat photoshop master made it, so where's the other five? Jake points out that it's the thirteen that counts.
Josh's brother is among the losers who didn't make the twenty-five. Mok and the others find that only one person is missing, Alicia. She shows up later and points out that she didn't want to fight the crowds. Big addresses the remaining, telling them they are going to be interview and get physical. Robert has a problem with needles. I hear that Robert!
The judges now are along, and they watch the different interview. On Alicia's tape she told the story of why she was late. It makes sense to everyone in the room. Matt talks about his parents. Jim Ross (who looks like the biggest goober EVER in his Sooners jersey) says that Matt has a lot of heart. The judges say that audiences will really like Kenny because they can relate. John says that the WWF is the perfect mix of all the things he can do. Overbite says that he doesn't want to be a WWF superstar, and that he'd rather flip and run around. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEND OVER AND KISS ROSS' ASS KEVIN? Fuck. This is THE most talented athlete of the remaining people. What are you afraid of? That once he gets the contract he's going to quit? Do you think you're wasting TV time on him? You say he's patronizing you, yet he just said that the WWF is a perfect fit for him. Do you really think he would've wasted his time flying in to make fun of you?? THE REASON JOHN WILL NOT BE ON TOUGH ENOUGH 2 IS BECAUSE HE OUTSMARTED JIM ROSS. Fuck JR. Fuck Overbite. Fuck this show. Just to insult me more, Ross says that Jake will probably be a "pain in the ass to drive, which will make interesting TV." Oh, and Cabbage Patch has a fake orgasm. Thx WWF!
The final thirteen are set, but not in stone. First they are going to have a little physical challenge. I hope Marc Summers hosts it. Off they go in some buses to the Red Rock Canyon. After they all file out, another car pulls up and out comes Tazz. You have to know who Tazz is gunning for. That's right, it's Dan. But first here's a commercial.
Tazz gets right into Dan's face and tells him that he ain't dick. Then he tells the group that they are going on a run. Three miles and the elevation gets higher and higher. Tazz yells at Dan most of the time, telling him that he's sucks and all that. Tazz then talks to Jake for a while, joking with him about his haircut. They take a break at halfway. Robert is tagging behind, which seems familiar with the trouble Darryl had in season one. The difference is that Tazz doesn't get pissed off because Robert is at least trying.
Tazz says that they are going to carry backpacks with fifteen percent body weight. He throws a pack a Dan. Back to running. Again, the skinny ones and Jake are doing the best, and Robert is struggling. Tazz is talking to Dan and makes him say he's sorry. Which he does, like a little bitch. Sooner or later everybody makes it to the finish. About four of the ones at the back of the pack keep pushing each other to finish, and they all do...together. That was awesome, but of course they don't dwell on THAT.
Big says that in a few minutes they all will know who made the final cut. Then he leaves them all to be nervous. Robert talks with Jake about how he hopes that the judges notice that even though he was last, he never gave up. Mok busts out the bulletin board and asks the panel if they want to make any changes. They all agree to bump The Danimal up because of the heart of making it first to the finish line. They also agree that if Danny makes it on, then Pete has to go because of how much those two look alike. Makes sense, but I'm still sad to see Pete go. He stood for all us fatties!
Tazz give the same speech about not quitting that we have heard, and will hear, then he announces the winners. Here they are (in the order they were all called out...)
Anni, Kenny, Jake, Alicia, Matt, Linda, Hawk, Shad, Jessie (yay!), Jackie, Aaron, Pete (whoa! They went with Pete after all!) and Robert.
We have the generic five second happy interviews, with the winners, and then we go over to the bus where the others don't seem so happy. Cabbage Patch says she's not going to give up. The man who can legitimately call himself the 14th man, Danny, sobs a little bit in the back of the bus. He knew it was coming down to him and Pete and Pete ended up winning. One more view of the Canyon and we are out.
Next Week: Jessie talks about the desire...to quit? And it looks like Hawk hurts himself by acting like a spaz.
If I'm forced to predict the winners, I pick Anni and Jake.