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WWE Velocity by cfgb




The hockey game's over, and I'll probably be more prepared to groan when that other show starts, but for now...

Opening credits.

Pyro's booming, Michael Cole's talking - but in the end it's all just a bunch of irritating noise. Al Snow is his partner in crime. We're two weeks away from King Of The Ring - but who cares, because later tonight Linda Miles is going to have her first WWE match.


This kid's full of potential and will undoubtedly be a huge star in WWE for years to come - no pressure! Test doesn't wait to take it to the kid, as he attacks while Orton's posing for the crowd. In the corner, Test kicks at Orton's midsection and stomps the proverbial mudhole when he falls. The referee DEMANDS a break, Test threatens to kick his ass since he's immune to anything and everything - and nails Orton. Test grabs him by the back of the head and launches Orton over the top to the floor. He starts to give chance, but the referee wants him to stay put. Michael Cole wonders what a win by Test over Triple H does for his career? I suppose a one way trip to Velocity isn't the answer he's looking for? The referee smartly gets out of the ring and Test's way - and while Test jaws with him, Orton slyly gets in and dropkicks the big man over the top and to the floor. The referee gets in and asks Orton to stay put - and he's more than happy to comply. Test gets back into the ring, Michael Cole swoons over Orton's good looks - Orton ducks a clothesline and hammers in some rights. The whip is reversed - and Test follows through with a corner clothesline, sending Orton into the "I want Rikishi's ass in my face" position. Here's a whip - and again Test charges with a corner clothesline. Orton crawls a little, but gets stomped on in the ropes. Test drags him to his feet and slams him. Off the ropes - and Orton gets out of the way of an oncoming elbowdrop. Orton's up and comes at Test with the right hands. Test calmly knees him in the midsection and goes for a whip. Orton ducks a clothesline - waits for Test and delivers a DDT. Both guys slowly get to their feet - and Test rushes, but Orton sidesteps the Avalanche and catches Test out of the corner with some rights. His whip attempt is reversed - and Test misses again with that clothesline - and Orton bounces off the other end with a flying forearm. Test stands just as Orton comes off - that darn clothesline misses again, but Orton's doesn't! To the top he goes, Test is staggering, and Orton hits a crossbody. First count of the match, 1, 2, Test kicks out. Orton keeps on him with a boot to the midsection - tries a whip but Test hangs on and kicks Orton in the midsection. Pumphandle slam hits, Test covers, 1, 2, and Orton kicks out! Test yells at the referee - slaps his knee to set up the boot - and the Big Boot misses. Orton kicks Test in the midsection, and hits what can best be described as a Real Neat Looking move. (Or how about a Fameasser that doesn't involve jumping in a neckbreaker kind of way? This move could really use a name!) Orton covers, 1, 2, Test kicks out! Orton asks the ref if perhaps he was mistaken - then goes to pick up Test for a slam, only Test scoots off the back and there's the Roll Of The Dice. 1, 2, 3.

Time: 3:58

On Smackdown!, Linda and Jackie went to introduce themselves to Vince McMahon - but Ivory took exception to their sucking up. Linda was all "You don't want to go there girl" and Vince was all "Crap - begone! You're going to Velocity!"

STACKER 2 BURN OF THE WEEK: Shawn Michaels is the new member of the nWo.


Michael Cole apparently has no idea what a bandana is, asking "what the hell is that on Godfather's head?". Hugh's looking to be in some of the best shape I've ever seen him in - so I bet he'll lose. Taking note of the fact it worked during the previous match, Godfather smartly attacks Hugh while he's posing for his fan! Godfather chokes him with the boot, and breaks when asked. Whip off the ropes - I swear we aren't going to see a clothesline hit tonight - Godfather tries a standing sidekick but Hugh's held on to the ropes. Hugh charges at Godfather, who misses another clothesline - and Hugh uses the opening to send Godfather over the top with a clothesline of his own. It worked, it worked! Godfather drags him to the floor, but Hugh was ready and blocks Godfather's punch and delivers his own. Godfather gets rolled back in, Hugh starts to head in himself, but rolls back out just in time to avoid an incoming elbowdrop. Now that's smart wrestling! Hugh sees it's safe to get in - comes off the ropes and hits a clothesline. In the corner - Hugh stands on the second rope and hammers away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, LOOK OUT! Hugh gets shoved and he FLIES about 7 feet back pretty high in the air! Godfather kicks him in the midsection, and boots Hugh in the head coming off the ropes. Hugh gets pushed back to the corner, and Godfather chokes Hugh in the ropes. He breaks, and goes for a whip. Godfather hits a shoulderblock, here's a cover, 1, 2, kick out. The Godfather tells Teddy Long how to count - giving Hugh a chance for a comeback. Here's a whip - Hugh waits for a backdrop but Godfather kicks him in the jaw. Off the ropes he comes, Hugh catches him, big powerslam, 1, 2, he kicks out. Godfather grabs Hugh's arm and tries a short arm clothesline, but he misses again because he sucks, but Hugh doesn't with the belly to back! 1, 2, he kicks out. Hugh gets a shot on the back - whips Godfather across the ring and charges. Godfather musters up the strength to pick his foot up off the ground, and Hugh can't stop in time - meeting it face first. Cover, 1, Godfather puts his feet on the ropes, and Teddy Long's all over it. So Godfather finally decides to hit one of his clotheslines in protest, and heads out to the floor. He finds what he's looking for - the ringbell, but Teddy Long snatches it away. While he hands it back out to the floor, Godfather grabs his walkin' stick and drives it into Hugh's throat. Cover, 1, 2, 3, fuck.

Time: 3:19

WWE CRUNCH OF THE NIGHT: Edge spears Kurt Angle from the top rope 2 weeks ago. In doing so, he ruined his shoulder.

On Smackdown! Edge swears he'd do that spear again if he had to, because it helped him beat Kurt Angle. But he's hurt, and he can't wrestle for awhile - including defend his King Of The Ring title. Chris Jericho comes out to the ring, and celebrates his big win. (Though he didn't throw the kind of celebration I wish he had.) Edge has enough of the gloating, and pops him one - so Jericho works over the injured shoulder and slams a chair over it on the steps.

Desire isn't dead, it just took a 6 month hiatus. But it's back and found a new Creed song. The package is basically shots of WWE guys doing whatever they do before the shows (Reading, working out, sleeping, talking with friends, whatever floats their boat.) and set to the tune of Weathered.

NEXT ON CONFIDENTIAL: The controversy that is Tough Enough 2, and what's up with The Rock? Scheme Gene has the scoop.


Michael Cole makes sure we know we're watching Cruiserweights. Funaki tries to get the crowd behind him by clapping - and we lockup. Funaki applies a hammerlock, Chavo quickly reverses and takes him over to the mat. Funaki gets up, and is caught in a snapmare. Both guys get up - but HOLD THE PHONE! There's a NEW Cruiserweight in World Wrestling Entertainment and his name is Jamie Knoble. That ups the division to a whopping 6 guys! Thanks for that update Michael Cole, though I might have added the part about the lack of combatants. Chavo catches Funaki with a hiptoss and tries an armbar. Funaki fights back to his feet and takes Chavo over. We lockup again - and Funaki shoves Chavo back. Chavo charges, but is caught with a drop toe hold. Hiptoss, dropkick - Chavo wants Funaki to stop with the attack. In fact, Chavo accuses Funaki of pulling his hair - then attacks when his back is turned. Uh oh, Michael Cole just said "look at this now" which makes me think the words "joke" and "Chavo Guerrero Jr." are on the way. Chavo rushes Funaki to the corner and throws him shoulder first into the post. Funaki is draped in the corner - Chavo pulls him out just enough to drive his shoulder into Funaki's back, and finishes the set with a dropkick. Oh, get a load of this: "Chavo has undergone an attitude change ever since he was a Tough Enough 2 trainer." Funaki tries to fight back and gets a knee to the midsection for his trouble. Here's a whip to the corner - Avalanche is coming, and Funaki sidesteps. Funaki is right on him with a bulldog and tries to follow up with a whip. It's reversed - and Chavo catches him with a front slam. Chavo covers, 1, 2, he just kicks out. Chavo picks up Funaki and chops him. Funaki gets in some kidney shots - tries a right but Chavo ducks down, and applies an abdominal stretch variation. Chavo whips Funaki into the corner - Funaki leapfrogs as Chavo comes at him and catches him with his legs around the head. Rana hits - and Chavo is sent to the floor. Funaki braces himself - slingshot plancha! Chavo is sent back in, Funaki follows - tries a belly to back, but Chavo scoots away - Funaki's off the ropes, the kick is caught, but he hits an enzuigiri! Cover, 1, 2, Chavo kicks out. Chavo heads back to the corner - Funaki gets suckered in and pulled by the tights onto the turnbuckle. Chavo picks up Funaki powerbomb style - but drops Funaki down in a backbreaker on his own shoulder! Nice! Cover, 1, 2, Funaki kicks out. Chavo tries to pick him up for a suplex, but Funaki rolls down and gets La Majistral! 1, 2, Chavo gets away. A whip is reversed - Funaki has Chavo in a facelock - but Chavo somehow escapes and hits the Brainbuster! That'll do it, 1, 2, 3!

Time: 4:33

Chavo gently reminds the referee to raise his arm - and the referee does it.

Jackie meets Linda backstage who's stretching. The girls hug, and Jackie reminds Linda how much they've been through with Ivory. Jackie offers to stand in her corner, Linda would love it if she did - and they head out.

Here's some Smackdown! highlights from that #1 contender battle royal. Al Snow calls it his favorite kind of match, though I can't remember him ever winning one. Bob Holly instantly becomes my Least Favorite Wrestler by eliminating Kurt Angle. Triple H and Hogan are the final two - and we do the Royal Rumble 94 spot, so to settle the issue they'll wrestle later.

It's later! Triple H gets the honor of kicking out of the Legdrop, AND pinning Hogan 100% clean, no questions about it. That would have worked SO well...if Triple H was a hated heel. After the match, the guys pose down - and Kurt Angle interrupts the part because he rules and they don't. Undertaker attacks Triple H from behind - and Kurt rushes a distracted Hulk Hogan. Both guys get beaten down, as well they should.

Incase you didn't see the highlight the first 500 times they aired it - here's Linda and Jackie winning Tough Enough.

IVORY vs. LINDA MILES (with Jackie Nolastname)

Linda high fives anyone with a hand - which probably isn't fair to fans who were born with them. There's a hug for Al Snow, and Jackie applauds it all. Ivory immediately shows Linda she's the boss and slaps her. Ivory takes her down, cover, 1, 2, Linda kicks out. Side headlock into a takedown, and Ivory works the headlock on the ground. Linda reverses and applies a headscissors on the mat. Ivory makes faces and is having a real hard time getting out of it. After a lot of grunting, Ivory powers out and gets to her feet. Off the ropes - a shoulderblock knocks down Linda. Ivory again bounces off the ropes - but she's caught by Linda with a hiptoss. Linda gets a shot in on Ivory, and Ivory sells it just a little too much...which is enough to sucker Linda into thinking she's hurt, and she takes a drop toe hold into the ropes. Ivory's awesome. Ivory stomps on Jackie and chokes her out in the ropes. Stomping ensues - Confidential is coming up next, honest, so please don't change the channel - Ivory goes for a whip which is reversed - she hangs on to the top rope while Linda stands there...and then she decides to miss the dropkick. Whoops. Ivory drops a leg - picks Linda up just a tad and dropkicks her in the head! 1, 2, Linda gets a shoulder up. Rough looking neckbreaker hits, cover, 1, 2, again she's up. Ivory whips Linda into the corner - she charges but Linda puts the boot up and kicks her in the face. Seeing the opening, she hits the clothesline, another - tries a suplex and JUST gets Ivory up - holds her there - vertical suplex! 1, 2, Ivory kicks out. Jackie applauds that, and the crowd is impressed. Ivory gets whipped off the ropes and poorly backdropped. Man - Ivory had to really work to get her whole body to turn and not land on her head. Linda goes to the top rope - Ivory cuts her off at the pass - but Linda knocks her down on her back! Linda stands there, while Jackie slowly gets on to the apron. Oh man - I see it coming, you see it coming, and this is taking forever...the shove happens, Linda falls to the mat and Ivory hits a facebuster. 1, 2, 3.

Time: 3:53

I'll chalk this one up as a learning experience. Yikes.

[slash] wrestling

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