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WWE Velocity by The Cubs Fan




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"It's been a controversial - an emotional week in World Wrestling Entertainment." Your hosts are Cole and Snow Tazz - Al's got the week off, apparently.

Billy and Chuck (w/Rico and Angle vs Holly later tonight!) vs Mark Henry (world's strongest man) and Randy Orton for the WWE Tag Team Titles - Tazz wants more hype for being on this show. What, Faarooq had something better to do? Cole directs our attention to a mark below Billy's right eye that he got from Triple H's attack on Smackdown. The champions hug. The fans boo. Mark and Randy discuss the hug. Henry wants a hug from Chuck but Chuck's not falling for it. Circle. Lockup, Henry pushes him into the ropes, Chuck bounces back, lockup, and Henry puts him out of the ring. Chuck in and charging at Henry, but he gets pushed down. Corner whip, saying hi to the crowd, corner charge but no one's home. Chuck with a right, right, Henry's tries a clothesline but it misses, but Chuck runs into what I think is supposed to be a back elbow but the announcers claim is a shoulderblock. Chuck crawls to his corner for comfort. Did Billy get a hair cut? Billy tags in - he wants Orton though. He's no dummy. The faces are - they tag. Lockup no kick by Billy, jab jab, whip, reversed, taking turns leapfrogging each other, armdrag by Orton, dropkick, dropkick for Chuck, hiptoss no Billy turns it into a DDT. Tag to Chuck. Slam. Off the ropes, elbow drop. Off the ropes, elbow drop. One two no. Cole says "Chuck Palumbo", which will get him fined. Clothesline, corner smash (I guess) and lots of punches in the corner. Chuck distracts while Billy beats Orton. Announcers use this example of a referee (Mike Sparks) not doing a great job to talk about the Lance Storm/Brian Hebner situation (which isn't a great job but that's another time.) Tag to Billy. Corner smash. Jab. Jab. Jab. Kick. Crowd is chanting "Rico sucks." Boot choke. Rico isn't thrilled. Billy is backing up for the splash, and taking his time. Tazz complaining about Al now. Billy charges into a boot, Randy charges out and they clothesline either. Before Tazz can really get going, we go to Confidential hype. Tag to Chuck, tag to Mark. Right for Chuck, right for Billy, Chuck, Billy, squash for Bill, whip, powerslam for Chuck, one two broken up by Billy. He's yelling at Chuck to get up and come here - he does eventually. Double whip, double clothesline misses, but Mark's hurts. Randy in and out, taking Billy with him on a clothesline. Henry loads up Chuck for a running powerslam, but he's distracted by Rico (complaining about Mark's singlet?) and drops Chuck. Rico's scared off the apron, but Chuck's loading up - Mark turns around and tries a clothesline, Chuck runs under and ducks, Jungle Kick! Rico and Chuck work together to make sure Sparks isn't watching as Billy's back in - Fameasser. Cole has a heart attack about the illegal man getting a shot in. One two three. (5:21) He may be the World's Strongest Man but he ain't kicking out of two finishers. Still to come - Angle vs Holly!

Rikishi (w/ads) vs Albert - Oh wow, this could've been a PPV match. And now it's on Velocity. Cole makes a joke and it goes over Tazz's head. "I'm just trying to be as stupid as your regular partner on this show, Al Snow." Albert with a right, Rikishi ducks, right, right, right, Albert with a push in the corner, kick right right right right right right right kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick what am I doing with my life. Albert chases Brian Hebner away, as Hebner had been trying to pull him off Rikishi since before the kicking started. Albert clothesline. Stomp. Right. Right. Whip, reversed, Albert with a sunset flip but Rikishi never hits that sit down. Albert with a slam - no he's not strong enough and Rikishi lands on top for the one two shoulder up. Albert with a right black right. Corner whip, reversed, Albert smash. Running Albert smash. Tazz: "For all you so-called experts out there, this is as real as real can be. Check this out, watch Confidential after this; it's not a ratings getter, it's just something you'll want to see if you're a WWE fan." Rikishi rolls out, Albert out after posing. Stairs smash. Albert breaks the count. Another smash. Rikishi thrown in. Off the ropes, splash. No cover? Again! "Get down!" Now he'll cover one two no. Tazz making fun of Al. Right, right, off the ropes into the Samoan Drop. Rikishi setting up for the corner butt smash but no one's home - scissors kick, one two no. Albert going up? Cole: "What the hell is he doing?" Rikishi very calmly bounces off the ropes to crotch him. Rikishi waits for Albert to fall to the mat into position - there's the corner butt shot, thrust kick. Rikishi drags Albert into position - to the second rope, Bonzai Drop. One two three. (4:01) I'm waiting for them to say "Scotty 2 Hotty" but I guess they won't. Oh, wait, the hat has magically appeared from nowhere on the stage. He's got it on. There's the lights - and the fireworks. Tazz is pretending to be scared by the fireworks. That was one short dance. Still to come, Hardcore vs Angle. Up next, highlights from RAW.

What does this mean for Flair and the Brand Extension? (2:42)

The Fabulous Moolah (w/Mae Young) get an entrance and they don't look dressed to wrestle (thank god.) Announcers stand and clap. Why are they going in the ring? Oh, Cole is hyping Moolah's autobiography. Are they going to say anything? No, they're just going to walk around. Okay.

Still to come Angle and Holly. But next, Jamie Knoble's debut!

How we got this point with the Hurricane - so did they have another idea with the Beef Jerky and changed their plan midstream? At least they did remember it in the end. Nidia's acting makes me think she's in the wrong business. (2:32)

Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) vs Funaki - that's the way we're spelling it this time, okay. Noble has a towel in his left back pocket. Or maybe that's his shirt. They do not have the Hurricane mask. They're dressed exactly like they were on Smackdown, ha - I guess Jamie lost his tights. Cole says this is a stiff test for Noble in his debut. Tazz totally catches him off guard: "Why do you say that?" "...Funaki is a - is a hell of a superstar, world renown!" That's why they like having foreign jobbers, because then they're global superstars. Tazz likes Noble's chances. Lockup, no Noble with a knee, right, slam, elbow drop, elbow drop, cover one two no. Whip, hiptoss blocked and Funaki hits his own, drop toe hold, walk up the back and hit the dropkick to the face. Nidia gets turned on by the aggression, they drum. Armbar, no, Noble pulls Funaki up onto his shoulders - electric chair suplex! You don't get that often. Making out. Funaki with the inside cradle one two no. Noble takes his head off with a clothesline, one two no. Announcers get on Mike Choida for some reason. Corner whip, corner smash, corner choke. Kick, kick, kick, boot choke. Tazz rips on Al. Corner whip. Funaki rebounds out and Noble lifts him in spinebuster position before running him back first into the corner. You know, the fun thing about a new guy is figuring out what will be his trademark spots. Side backbreaker one two no. Surfboard. Funaki turning it around, but Noble kicks him. Whip, reversed, dropkick but Noble has the ropes. Elbow drop but Funaki rolls out of the way. Noble up first but Funaki punches. Whip, reversed, Jamie with a knee lift (I guess - they acted weird, but Funaki really sold it.) Choke on the bottom rope. Nidia with a slap, and then she chokes Funaki. Kick by Noble. Whip, abdominal stretch by Funaki - but Noble with the hiptoss out. "Noble knows how to counter that, because I'm sure Nidia's already put that on him in the parking lot in the back of the pickup truck!" "You're an idiot." Kicks. Corner whip, Noble charges into a boot. Spinning headscissors, dropkick, corner whip, corner forearm, bulldog out one two no. Whip, reversed, Funaki slides under, kick is caught and Noble with a dragon screw leg whip (though Cole wants to call it a "leg lace takedown") into - hey, another figure four variation. What's with that lately? Cole says it's "the Trailer Hitch" - it seems closest to a Crooked Figure Four but it's been ages since I've seen the NagataLock so I can't be sure. Anyway, it of course gets the win (4:21) and that's that. Announcers enjoyed Nidia's reaction to the move.

Still to come, Angle vs Hardcore - here's a clip of Angle breaking Holly's arm. But next, Smackdown contract signing.

Snickers Contract Signing of Last Thursday - and then after that. The table not falling over was hilarious, so of course it's mostly clipped out. And then the main event. (5:20) Up next, that match.

Burger King Angle beats Holly of Two Weeks Ago

Kurt Angle (w/hair and ads) vs Hardcore Holly (purple) - Tazz misses his cue for the KOTR hype, but makes up for it by doing the ring announcing for Tony Chimel. Holly rolls in and gets stomped. Picking him up, right blocked, right right right clothesline. Turnbuckle smash. Turnbuckle smash. Turnbuckle smash. "Who wants to see the wig come off?" Crowd likes the idea - Angle does not. He's out, Holly out after him, forearm to the back, chop, chop, ring steps smash. Angle thrown back in. Angle off the ropes, under a clothesline, into a powerslam. One two no. Whip, reversed, head down so it's kicked. Angle with a overhead belly to belly. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Right. Suplex. One two no. Okay, I typed that before it happened. Crowd boos Angle when he looks at them. Corner whip, no Angle just pulls him into another overhead belly to belly suplex. Crowd thinks he sucks. Corner whip, no again another overhead belly to belly suplex. Angle's a superhero - no mortal man could do the same move three times in a row and not get it reversed. Corner whip, no pulled back and he tried one too many, kick wham DDT from Holly. Both men down. Teddy Long counts. One two three four five six seven eight Angle up - right blocked and Holly hits his. Again. Right, right, whip, backdrop. Holly is pumped. Chop, corner whip, reversed, but Holly comes out with a clothesline. Another. Whip, best dropkick in the business one two NO! Super low blow kick. Long: "C'mon!" Powerbomb! One two NO! Fans thought that one. So did Holly. We turn the hour here (get the Confidential graphic), but TNN must be running a minute late, because it really ended during that last punch exchange. Eye rake by Angle. Whip, I think Angle was going for that overhead belly to belly again but Cole thinks it was a sleeper, but Holly ducks, goes for a belly to belly but it's blocked, Angle turns it into a waistlock, German suplex, German - no, bodyscissors roll one two NO! Anklelock! Hardcore needs to get to the ropes but he's not so far - but now Angle's pulling him back. Will Hardcore tap? Angle's pulling him back more, he's got it really twisted but Hardcore turns himself around and kicks Angle away! Angle charges into a side belly to belly! One two NO! Holly is limping from the anklelock now, but Angle is stunned and doesn't see Holly getting in position, loading Angle up for the Alabama Slam but Angle grabs the ropes, Holly pulls him off, Angle slides down the back and sunset flips, grab the ropes for leverage one two three (6:19) Teddy had to work kinda not to see that, but Angle is the King of using rope leverage where it looks like it actually helps. Replays. That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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