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/20 May 2000

WCW Worldwide by Tanvir Raquib




Whoa. A worldwide recap?

Yeah, folks. I'm ready to contribute to [slash] in my original way - by recapping.

Meanwhile, I've written four opinion essays for [slash] so far, which have recieved little to moderate response. I mean...geez, my last column "Predictions" - I wrote that in 45 minutes when I was bored outta my mind...and it got 4 responses (which is ALOT to me).

Butch Rosser is the man. Not only he is an ORACLE, but he's also a guy I like reading. He writes good shit. CRZ thinks so - why else would he be FIRST in his Thunder Recap? (Congrats, Butch! You made it!)

Lemme just string together a million of my opinions before we start this mother ( a.k.a. you can skip this if you don't give a shit ) : Napster rules!...Metallica BLOWS CHUNKS right now. I saw a little bit of Behind the Video on the Viacom owned Music Channel - they look so old. Lars' forehead seems to get bigger by the day. James looks like white trash. Jason looks regular - like a bassist should. Kirk gets my respect for his skill - you just can't deny him! Either way, they are not for the fans, but for the almighty dollar. This is what pisses me off about them. What happened to the hungry metal band from San Fran that made 'Kill 'em All?' Guess that went away once CLIFF BURTON died. Say it with me now: SELLOUT!....Rosie O'Donnell is a fat and ugly and bitchy thing....CRZ needs to go workout. Don't recap your life away, boss! (Whaa? - CRZ)....I don't need to workout because my stomach is my money maker!....Eminem isn't a 'rebel', he's corporate just like every other rapper there is. Why else is his video being played 20 times a day on MTV? Why does he get a 4 hour block on Saturday afternoon? Why is that chick from my Physics class in the MTV studios for EmTV? God, she is SUCH a BITCH! She's the hot Asian chick on the show - but she's still a bitch...Lakers over Knicks in 5....Rage Against the Machine rules! Like kids today have no role models Play that funk bass line, Tim!...Okay, I've just about run out of things to say....EmailmeEmailmeEmailmeEmailme....Okay, NOW I've totally run out things to say....

Let's start this mother...





"wCw worldwide Sequence Ready - Begin Transmission Now!"

"worldwide Transmission Complete!"

Welcome to wCw worldwide - the best show produced by WCW that gets the least love from the marks!

We are welcomed by Scott Hudson and Bobby Heenan. Hudson says that we'll talk about Slamboree later, but first, the disintegration of the Flair Family. Heenan says Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff are getting into people's lives - Russo with Flair's life, Bischoff with Diamond Dallas Page's life. Hudson sends us to the arena where Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay are standing by...

Tenay says we've got 3 matches for today's show, including one featuring the team of Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner. Schiavone says they're not looking to wrestle, but to knock people out. We've also got matches featuring Curt Hennig and the Cat, who is standing by with Mean Gene Okerland...

Mean Gene Okerland, standing next to the Cat, thanks the guys. Gene says that it is strange that everytime he sees the Cat, he is with Eric Bischoff. The Cat places his sunglasses on Gene's face, who takes them off quickly while saying "Enough of that BS!" Cat says not to worry about him and Bischoff, Gene should concentrate on him (the Cat) solely. The Cat notices Gene's "beated, bloodshot eye" - he'll rip him apart. Gene asks what is Cat's association with the New Blood. Cat says none whatsover - he just minds his own business. Gene asks whose leg the Cat is trying to pull. Cat says he's not pulling anything - the only thing he's gonna pull is Gene's toupee off his head. Gene says if it's a toupee, then it's a cheap one. Cat says "You better believe it." Gene asks about the career of the Cat and whether he has been dodging - Cat jumps in by saying his career has come back from the bottom to the top. Gene says he was a 3 time Karate champion. Cat says Karate doesn't have anything to do with it. He's the greatest and going to be the greatest wrestler of all time. Gene says he can't stand it when someone swerves him during an interview. Cat tells him to leave his sex life out of it. Gene gets a little flustered and takes us back to Mike and Tony...

Tenay says the Cat will be wrestling today. Mike & Tony talk about the Cat being evasive about hsi relationship with Eric Bischoff. Tony says lots of questions need to be answered from the Cat. They take us WAY back to the studio with Bobby & Scott...

Hudson says Slamboree was great. He says a very newsworthy event happened at Slamboree. Jeff Jarrett became the champ and David Arquette turned his back on Diamond Dallas Page, so we hear. Heenan says Eric Bischoff had alot to do with Jarrett winning the title.

Let's look some footage...err, stills from Slamboree! Can you sense my enthusiasm?! Hey these stills move! Zoom In! Zoom Out! Zoom In! Zoom Out! Hey, Kanyon is falling in Slo-Mo! He's moving while he's falling! What an exception!

Hudson says that it was very disturbing to see Kanyon fall. Heenan says it was very dangerous. Accoring to Heenan, he's no longer known as Chris "Champagne" Kanyon, but instead "Bed Pan Boy." Scott Hudson asks Heenan to show some decorum. Heenan says Kanyon is probably getting a bad meal. Heenan wipes away some imaginery tears as Hudson takes us to the hospital where Kanyon is staying...

Clips (nitro).
The New Blood pays Diamond Dallas Page and Kanyon a visit at the hospital! Eric Bischoff talks heel with the New Blood! Page wants some from the New Blood! Page kicks somebody's ass! Kimberly distracts me with her body and outfit and oh yeah, Page during Page's match against Awesome! Awesome powerbombs Page through a table! Page signs divorce papers! Well, kinda! Blur Page's bloody face, wCw!

Hudson says Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo have broken Page down. Hudson says Bischoff is a humanitarian. Heenan picks up a Page action figure and says Bischoff helped Page sign his name on the divorce papers. Page is illterate, Heenan says. Heenan: "D-A-L-L-A-S-P-A-G-E" Hudson notes that Heenan forgot the "Diamond" part. Hudson offers Heenan a pen.

Commercials - Watch that fat chick run for the first time in her life in the Vampiro T-Shirt Commercial! Lose those pounds, girlfriend!

Hudson says Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo came between Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly, but at Slamboree, they came between David Flair and Ric Flair. Heenan says he doesn't know what was up with the Flairs.

Clips (nitro).
Ric Flair calls out his untalented son on Nitro! David comes out! Iron Man! Vince Russo says he's the father David never had! Hugs for Dad and boy! Ric gets his watch back! David doesn't like Dad that much! Ric has had enough! Screw you, Lex!

More Clips (thunder).
David Flair wants to kick some ass! He wants to kick - ARN ANDERSON'S ASS! Arn looks ripped! Arn kicks everyone's ass! Low blow from the hot goth girl! Statue of Liberty! Whee....

Hudson says that Vince Russo wants Flair vs. Flair, but Ric has a title shot vs. Jeff Jarrett. Ric hasn't been seen since Monday. Heenan says that this is a situation where Ric doesn't want to fight David, but he wants to become a 15 time champ. Heenan calls the Flair home.

Commercials to soothe our capitalist needs!

Hudson asks if Heenan got through to the Flair's. Heenan says that the answering machine says that Flair family will not make a statement at this time. Hudson says that a lot of questions need to be answered in that situation - just like the Vampiro vs. Sting situation. He runs down the past encounters of Vampiro and Sting that we've seen. Heenan says that Sting can not beat Vampiro.

Clips (nitro).
Sting with the Deathlock on Jarrett! Vampiro pulls Sting from underneath! Red liquid! Jarrett pins Sting! Screwjobs are cool!

More Clips (thunder).
Vampiro gets EMOTIONAL in a heart to heart with Tenay! Vampiro mentions OZZY! Eat that bird's head, already! Sting saves the day! Sting saves the pigeon! Ambulance Match! Awesome fighting Sting! Slop Drop him, Stinger! Vampiro spits red stuff in Sting's face! Awesome grabs a latch as the Ambulance drives away!

Hudson says that those were disturbing images from a disturbing man - Vampiro. Heenan waxes poetic about this melodramatic shit.

Commercials - that fat chick is still running.

Ask wCw! Ask wCw!

"I want to ask Hugh Morrus on how it feels to be the only 300 pounder in WCW that can execute a moonsault and if he is gonna go for the Hardcore Belt soon" - Stephane Lajoie from Quebec, Canada, age 18

Heenan disses Stephane by saying she's a fat girl. Hehe, good ole Heenan!

Captain Rection thanks Stephane. He says that he can win the belt with No Laughing Matter. He wonders what the Quebecer translation of "No Laughing Matter" is...

Scott Hudson says he'll do whatever Captain Rection. Heenan says for us to salute the Captain. Salud, Captain! Let's go to Mike and Tony...

CHRIS HARRIS vs. CURT HENNIG They circle the ring for a while. Lockup - and they promptly let go. They circle around - Hennig with a waistlock. Harris grabs the rope and delivers an elbow to Hennig's head. Hennig with a clean break, but mildly irked. Lockup - Hennig with a side headlock - Harris with forearms to Hennig's gut - pushes Hennig to ropes - Hennig with a shoulderblock. Hennig bounces off the ropes again - dropkick by Hennig. Harris bails out of the ring - Hennig follows quickly behind him. Hennig with a chop. Hennig slams Harris' head on the announce table. Hennig with a coupla punches and throws Harris back into the ring. Hennig with a short kick to Harris' gut. Whips Harris to the topes - punch by Hennig. Kneelift by Hennig. Hennig sets Harris up in the corner. Hennig with a mean chop. Hennig with a punch, a smack and a lecture about "You wanna be a wrestler?" Hennig with another punch and another (can I stress this?) MEANASS chop! Snapmare by Hennig, who follows it up with (called by Tenay) a "running snapmare' - you know, that thing Shane Douglas does to death. Hennig poses for the crowd, who gives him a nice hand. Crosscorner whip reversed by Harris. Harris with a hiptoss and a dropkick. Harris with some smacks to Hennig's head. Hennig responds with his own smack, which staggers the young lad. Hennig lacing Harris with chops and punches. Whip by Hennig - reverse - Harris ducks too early, which leads to Hennig winning via Hennigplex. (3:18)


Tank and Hudson in the ring to start. Tank just walks over casually and picks up Hudson. Oh, he also slams him as well. Tank with supposedly brutal punches to Hudson's back. Tank plants Hudson in the corner. Tank with a coupla punches to Hudson's guy. Crosscorner whip by Abbott - jogging clothesline by Abbott. Tank with a punch and a scoopslam. Tag out to Rick Steiner. Cue barks from the crowd. Steiner with some boots to the laying Hudson.Steiner throws Hudson over to his own corner - he wants Williams, damnit. Williams tags in. Steiner with a stiff spinebuster. Steiner with an elbowdrop. Whip by Steiner - clothesline. Cue more howls from the crowd : arf, arf, arf. Steiner with a punch. Steiner with some words for the ref - boy, is that guy scared! Belly to Belly suplex by Steiner. Steiner throws Williams out of the ring. Steiner comes out of the ring to get him some. Steiner throws Williams into a guardrail. Abbott comes over to deliver a kick. Steiner with a chairshot to Williams. Abbott with a chairshot - one for the back and one for the chest. Williams thrown back in the ring. Steiner with a running powerbomb setup where William's chest goes first into the turnbuckle. Ouch. Steiner with a Norhtern Lights setup into a released Belly to Belly Suplex. Steiner with a Standing Something (you call it) for the submission. (3:10) Abbott and Steiner kicks some more ass afterwards. Abbott knocks'em out. Whatever...

Commercials - Yawn!

Douglas looking severly white-trashy. Cat takes the mic to tell Eric Bischoff how bad he is, he's gonna win in under 2 minutes and he's not big, bad and beautiful but he's a great dancer. Got that? Shut up, people! He's gonna show Eric just how great he is. Play his music! Cat getting down to this beat. Douglas is pissed at the pre-match festivities. Douglas interupts Cat's dancing by grabbing Cat's shoulder - Cat responds with a legsweep or something. Cat with a Robotic elbowdrop. Cat screaming at the fans. Whip by Cat - Sunset Flip attempt by Douglas - Cat with some crotch chops and a punch to Douglas' noggin. Cat throws Douglas out of the ring.


Now, Cat is ready to fight! He's still screaming at the crowd. Douglas outside the canvas - Cat walks over - Douglas with a hangman. Douglas in the ring now - he levels some punches to Cat's back. Now, a punch to the Cat's head. Crosscorner whip by Douglas - Douglas runs right into a Cat karate chop to the had. Cat with a sidekick to end this. (1:21) Cat cuts the music off. David Penzer says the match was over 2 minutes - the Cat grabs him - SUDDENLY, Penzer changes his mind - the match is now officially 1:57. They're still off by 36 seconds, har har. The Cat gets jiggy for us.

Back at the studio. Hudson shills us Slamboree for a sec and asks Heenan about Ric Flair's emotional status. Heenan in summation, doesn't know what's up with Flair.

Laters, people. Email me, damnit! Bye!

Tanvir Raquib
The Firestarter
The Occasional Recapper
The Round-the-Clock Marxist Sympathizer
The Unemployed, Unqualified College Student
[slash] wrestling

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission