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/12 August 2000

WCW Worldwide by E.C. Ostermeyer




First off, my thanks to all of you who wrote me expressing your best wishes for my wife's speedy recovery. They must have helped, because she's well on her way back to good health.
Thanks again, folks.

Y'all ROCK!

Opening credits.
Terry Taylor sneaks onto the "" website, and doctors another "Final Four" vidcap on orders from the evil Mark Burnett, just to mess with our collective heads.
(Me, I'm hoping Rudy's the winner. As a former SEAL, I'm surprised he hasn't begun causing some, ummm, "accidents" among the remaining whiners. BTW, I understand that they were using a militia security force as protection against pirates.)

PIRATES, for cryin' out loud!

From the WCW Command Central bunker, your hosts are the nattily-attired Scott Hudson, and Wrestling's Only Li...?

Hey wait a minute!

That's Heenan!

Freakin' Bobby by-God HEENAN is back in the right seat!


WCW does occasionally have some flashes of intellect and smarts, and this, thankfully, is one of them.
Hang onto your hats, folks, 'cause Heenan's back, and you don't know what he's gonna do!

Like for instance, right now.
The WCW Merchandising Department gnomes have littered the broadcasters' desk with all sorts of stuff.
Heenan's got that glint in his eyes, looking at all this stuff in front of him.
His expression is that of Gomez Addams playing with his electric trains.

Hudson welcomes Heenan back to "Worldwide."
Heenan says he wasn't aware he'd ever left.
"Well then, who was that sitting in that chair the last couple of weeks?"
"I dunno, I wasn't here..."
Hudson's grin starts to slip, as if he's suddenly aware of the implications of Bobby the Brain's return, and just how big a hell his job has just become.

Over to Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay at ringside, who, since this show airs pre-"New Blood Rising", are still shilling the hell out of the PPV.
Some dork fan behind Tony slips into the shot and gives Tony the finger. He then holds up a sign that says "Hello Family and Friends." Original, no?
Over to "Mean Gene" Okerlund, who's backstage with the "Misfits In Action." All the Misfits are there, with the exception of Van "Major Stash" Hammer. Major Gunns, however, is VERY much all there, as can be seen from "Mean Gene's" appreciative grin. Gene calls Lt. Loco "Chavo", who promptly goes ballistic at Okerlund's faux pas.
Cpl. Cajun gets some stick time, as does General Rection, who gets lost in mid-tirade to the hilarity of all concerned. Gene gets in another leer at Major Gunns. "Lovely indeed..." he muses.

Tenay and Schiavone shill for the PPV some more, then give the line-up for tonight's matches.

Back to the Bunker, where Hudson and Heenan discuss WCW World Champion Booker T, and what a week he's had, what with that double shot on Goldberg, and the "Bunkhouse Lights Out" match against Jeff Jarrett on Nitro.
Heenan, ever the pragmatist, says that, since Booker T's got the Championship, he should be using it instead of defending it.
"Now's the time you can make some money off it. Ask for a postponement, some time off to get healed up. Get well so you can get out there and make all that money. But you can't do it sitting on the shelf, injured. Stupid! Stay home! Have a LONG career, because you're gonna get taken out real soon with that kind of an attitude, because you're thinking about the fans, instead of yourself. And that's what's gonna make you choke!"

Hudson, oddly enough, agrees with Heenan.
Bobby says he's not charging Booker T that much for the advice, either.
"How much ARE you charging him?" asks Hudson.
"That's my business," retorts Heenan.
"So how about a price card, then?" asks Hudson.
Hudson then sets up Booker's bout with Goldberg;
Heenan mutters "dummy!" under his breath.

Footage from Nitro shows Booker T setting up the remake of the "Bait-and-Switch" match between himself and Sting. Jeff Jarrett's out to add his two cents worth, involving a beat-down on Booker T. Sting's out to rescue Booker T, and chase Jarrett away. Jarrett says he's not done yet, that he's gonna give 'em both a taste of "SlapNuts Theater," and Act One starts right now! Jarrett then turns, drags Booker T's wife over the steel guardrail, and El-Kabongs her with the gee-tar. Pity Party at ringside as the lady gets stretcher-ed out.
Later in the show, Jarrett calls out Sting, boasting that he's already sent Booker T's wife away in an ambulance, and why not let's make it two for two, huh? A good match, but things go Horribly Wrong for Jarrett, when his DDT onto a steel chair gets reversed by Sting into a hangman's neck-breaker onto the same steel chair. 1,2,3 and it's over.
Booker T and Sting agree on a Title shot match "for the people."
The match is joined at the climax, where Sting gets dragged under the ring and pummeled by the Demon. Sting, disoriented, is no match for a Booker T "Bookend" finisher, and loses the match. He does get some measure of revenge by dragging the Demon out from under the rig, and beating the hell out of him. The Demon has other plans, however, involving the Demon's coffin, Sting, and a flaming torch. The coffin's set on fire with Sting inside, while Booker T looks like he's been caught in one o' Br'er Fox's traps.

Hudson, aghast, says that, after such a punishing Nitro, how can Booker T come to the PPV in anything like reasonable shape. Heenan sees the PPV as a Title change because of Booker T's weakened condition.
"Sure, you're making a lot of money now as champion, but it's all going to the doctors!
Is his name really Lamont Sanford?"


Buy a Vampiro T-shirt for twenty bucks, and you, too, can meet zaftig chicks in graveyards. Face-paint, and snotty attitude optional at extra cost.
Oh, and your destiny is beyond your control, yaddayadda.
Buff Bagwell shills the WCW Mastercard with his grinning puss smeared all over it. Get yours today, because it'll be a collector's item soon. That is, once Brad Siegal and the accountants get through with Buff Daddy.
Local commercial promos. Fat rednecks in La-Z-Boys. Local critical care center features a huge-breasted nurse. Let me see if I can work up a sniffle. "Full House" promo featuring a cast of androids that includes Bob Saget.
New Blood Rising PPV promo.

Back to the studio, and the topic is Lance Storm. As champion, Booker T may have a target on his back, but Lance Storm's got three on his!
Heenan's impressed with Lance Storm's determination, and like him or not, Heenan can see where Storm was justified in changing the Title names. "He's proud of his heritage. If you, Scott, won the title, wouldn't you call it the "Lower Georgian Hillbilly Title?"
Hudson, speechless, puts his head in his hands.
"He's earned it, so let him call it what he wants," concludes Heenan, sniffing self-importantly.
Hudson, giving Heenan a look, sets up the footage of Storm's championship "hat trick," while Heenan's busy playing with a big inflatable rubber hammer.

On Thunder, Storm renames the Hardcore Title to the "Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title," and you can do your own joke about the acronym thus formed. Additionally, WCW is to be known as World Canadian Wrestling as long as he's champion. This brings out Cruiserweight Champ Lt. Loco in high patriotic dudgeon to lance Mr. Storm's swollen ego. (Sorry, bad pun.)However, Storm disposes of Lt. Loco in quick order, and becomes the WCW Cruiserweight Champ, renaming that title (metrically, he's Canadian, remember?) as the "Canadian 100 Kilogram & Under" Title.
The Cat comes out and says Storm's to face Juventud Guerrera for the Cruiserweight title.
Pow! So much for "da Jooce."
Next Storm's to face Norman Smiley for the Hardcore Title.
Pow! That's all for "Screamin' Norman!"
Lastly, Storm faces The Cat himself for the US title.
Pow! "Maple Leaf" submission, and that's all for The Cat.

"Say what you want about Lance Storm," says Heenan, "The man
goes by the book, right by the rulebook, the Canadian Wrestling Rulebook."
"The Canadian Wrestling Rulebook?" Hudson's perplexed. "You've seen this rulebook?"
"I've got one," says Heenan proudly.
"Let's see it," says Hudson, and Heenan complies, pulling his stuffed- tight travel bag from under his seat.
"Well, this shouldn't take more than a couple of hours," sniffs Hudson, as Heenan pulls out a Little Black Book, fumbles, and promptly spills it's contents all over the desk.
"What the... who's SHE?" says Hudson, catching a glimpse.
"Beverl- NEVER MIND!" growls Heenan irritably.
"Looks like this is going to take a while, fans, so when we come back...zow! Who's she, Brain?" (Hudson spots another prospect.)
"That's Laverne." Heenan gets a big grin on his face. "She's from Cincinnati, and she's got a sister. Together, they can do this thing with a..."


"The Cell" promo. Jennifer Lopez stars.
As does her ass.
(My tribute to Scoopthisdotcom.)
Aw for... Former WCW World heavyweight Champion David Arquette-Cox in "Day Job: the Retrospective."
Local commercial block. Rednecks in La-Z-Boys again. Local gun sales & vacuum cleaner repair shop. First Church of the Final Thunder wants YOU in a pew! Critical care center, but this time no zaftig lovely, just a zoggin' great piece of machinery with a terrified patient strapped on it. Oh yeah, THAT builds confidence, all right!

Time for "Ask WCW."
Hudson has some trouble with his notebook computer.
Heenan grabs it, saying "You gotta shake it real good to clear the screen. I don't remember all these buttons, though; mine was red and had two knobs on it."
No good.
Heenan whacks it with the Big Rubber Hammer.

"There we go," says Hudson.

This week's question comes from Matt Mitchell of Columbus, Ohio, who asks Billy Kidman "Who was the toughest opponent of your career?"
Heenan's got the answer, and says it was a month ago in Denver, four o'clock in the morning, where it was Kidman and Torrie, kicking and pounding, and screaming, and fingernails down the door. Kidman had to finally get up and let her out."
Hudson gives Heenan a look, and then shoots us over for the real answer.
Heenan says "They named the kid Matt? Did they name his sister "Turnbuckle?"
Hudson's just about reached critical mass at this point.

Live on tape, Billy Kidman responds by saying that, though he's had so many matches, the toughest opponent he's ever had has been Sting, because he's so knowledgeable, ring-smart, and he always has the crowd behind him.

Back to the Bunker, where Heenan's broken out the action figures, and is in the middle of a hot match between Sting and Buff Bagwell.

"You're not going to be surprised at Christmas if you keep playing with those things!" says Hudson.
Heenan has Bagwell finish off Sting with a vicious chair shot, then go for the cover. Heenan counts the pinfall, as Hudson looks on, bemused, if not a bit incredulous.
"Let's send you to the ring for some REAL action, fans," says Hudson.
Then, to Heenan: "Did he (Sting) stay down for that?"
"I got an 'Ow-ee!" whines Heenan.

New Blood Rising promo.
Nitro's on the road in Kelowna, British Columbia, but you already knew that, didn't you?


Match #1: Misfits In Action (w/ Major Gunns) d. Cody Hawke & Race Steel & Anthony McMurphy, (Rection w/ top-turnbuckle moonsault on McMurphy/pin, 3:03)

The Power plant grads jump the MIA's right off the bat with a Pier Six in the corner. MIA's power out with a cross-ring whip on their respective opponents, followed by clotheslines all around. Race Steele gets the triple squash in the corner from Rection, Cajun, and Loco, in that order.
Whip by Rection on Steele gets reversed, and McMurphy clobbers rection as he comes off the ring ropes. Cajun tries for the save, but gets chased back to his corner by the referee. Meanwhile, McMurphy is deliberately Frankensteiner-ed off the top turnbuckle by Cody Hawke onto the prostrate Rection. Cover by McMurphy, 1,2,Rection kicks out. Cross-ring whip by McMurphy gets reversed by Rection, and they both collide at mid-ring, stunning each. Tag by Rection brings in Lt. Loco, who delivers a sharp uppercut to McMurphy's jaw. Cross-ring action gets Loco a leg-high clothesline to the face on the rebound by McMurphy. Tag by McMurphy to Cody Hawke. Hawke tries a whip on Loco, but does the float-over, then nails Hawke with a flying double dropkick. Loco tags in Cpl. Cajun. Cajun misses a clothesline, and gets scooped into a front face-buster by Hawke.
Cross-ring whip by Hawke gets counterd by Cajun, who powers out with a series of rights and left. Both corners empty, and it's Pier Six time again. Rection tosses Steele over the top rope, then scoopslams Hawke, who rolls out of the ring. Loco does a plancha off the ring apron and onto Steele and Hawke, driving them to the floor. Cajun sets up McMurphy with a Samoan drop, and Rection nails McMurphy with a towering moonsault, and gets the pin and the win.
Good match, with plenty of action.

Same old, same old.

Match #2: Filthy Animals' Rey Mysterio, Jr (w/ horns and a goatee(?)) & Disco Inferno (w Konnan and Tygress, who looks stunning tonight!) d. Matt Stryker & Chris "Wildcat" Harris, (Rey w/ senton bomb on Stryker/pin, 3:26)

Pre-match, Rey and Disco do the "Wazzup!" bit, which has already been driven into the ground more times than a Ringling Bros. tent pole. Konnan gets in his two cents worth with the "Arriba la raza!" bit; yup, tent pole again. Konnan then calls our attention to the curvaceous Tygress, who shows her appreciation with a long stroke down konnan's front.
Can you say, "gamma globulin inoculation?"
Konnan joins the announcers to provide his own commentary, and gets into a verbal joust with Tenay and Schiavone over Filthy Animal strategy at the PPV. The match gets underway, but the three guys with mic's are still jabbering away about the PPV.
Stryker and Rey get thing started, as Stryker gets Rey in a headlock. Cross-ring action moves into cirss-cross action, but Stryker shortstops Rey with a scoopslam. Rey recovers and tries for the slingshot clothesline off the ropes, but Stryker blocks, and counters with another rolling scoopslam. Whip to the ropes by Stryker, but Rey does that zip-line whip-around of his, and is right back in Stryker's face. Rey gets in two quick rights, then rares back for a big running wallop, but Stryker gets under the fist and does a back body drop that sends him over the top rope. Rey holds on, and lands on the apron. Stryker's attempt to grab Rey only gets him a butt in the stomach for his troubles, as Rey tags in Disco Inferno. Disco flattens Stryker with a drop toehold, and Rey gets in a huge vault over the top ropes and nails Stryker with a guillotine legdrop. Cover by Disco, 1,2, no! Stryker tags in Harris, who promptly gets the same toe hold take down. Cover by Disco, but no pin.
Cross-ring whip by Disco gets reversed, and Harris nails Disco with a DDT. Whip again, and Harris hits Disco with a standing double dropkick. Cover by Harris, 1,2, Rey reaches through the ropes to make the save. Harris tags in Stryker, and they double-team Disco with a series of kicks, with Stryker getting in a good one that spins Disco to the mat. Stryker with a whip, Disco ducks the swung fist, but gets caught on the way back with a big face-plant. Stryker covers, 1,2, Disco kicks out. Stryker goes to the top turnbuckle, and goes for a towering moonsault. Unfortunately, Disco sees it coming and rolls out of the way, leaving Stryker to eat a whole lot of canvas.
Disco tags Rey, who charges across the ring, misses Stryker, but connects a forearm smash with Harris in the corner. Disco, meanwhile, swats Stryker across the face, staggering him. Bicycle kick from Rey drops Stryker. Harris runs in for the save, but Rey boots him in the gut, doubling him over. Facebuster on Harris by Rey, and Disco takes over, setting Harris up in a corner for Rey's "Bronco Buster," first on Harris, then on Stryker across the ring.
Cross ring whip on Stryker by Rey gets followed by a boot to the gut, and a spinning neckbreaker from Disco. As Disco sets up Stryker in "make-a-wish" configuration, Rey goes up top, and nails Stryker's in-seam with a senton bomb, then covers for the win.

Back to the studio, where Hudson runs the card for the "New Blood Rising" PPV.
Heenan says that, in regard to the #1 Contenders Match between Nash, Steiner, and Goldberg, Nash will only do what benefits himself, Goldberg and Steiner both are hard-headed, not to mention contrary cusses. "This may be the toughest match of the year," says Bobby Heenan.
Hudson continues with the card run, finishing with the Lance Storm-Mike Awesome bout, as Heenan's attention has been distracted by something way-y-y up in the studio lights. Hudson, perplexed, takes a gander himself, as Heenan does the "image frame" thing with his hands, and says, "Looks like a blimp going over a bridge..."


Match #3: Great Muta d. Brian Adams ("Green Mist," Inside Cradle/Small package/pin, 4:02)

Match opens with Muta in control, leveling rights and lefts at Adams face and upper body. Chop to the back of the neck, followed by a kick to the gut doubles over Adams against the ropes. Cross-ring whip by Muta gets reversed, but Adams misses a double drop-kick when Muta stops short. Adams, however, follows up with a running clothesline that floors Muta.
Adams picks Muta up, goes for the whip, but Muta ducks another clothesline, and then misses one of his own. Adams ducks, then digs at Muta's eyes. Muta, shaking it off, tries for a bum's rush to shove Adams into the ropes, but Adams hangs on and Muta rebounds, landing hard on the mat. Adams follows up with a big boot to the gut, followed by another clothesline that drops Muta yet again. Gorilla press-slam by Adams, and a cover, but referee Mark Johnson only calls two, as Muta gets a foot across the ropes.
Another cross-ring whip by Adams, but Muta powers out of the move by gouging Adams eyes, followed by a forearm shot to the back, and a kick that sends Adams out to the ringside floor.
Muta rolls outside as well, and bounces Adams' head off the steel steps. Muta, admonished by referee Johnson to get back in the ring, does so, dragging Adams along as well. A cross-corner whip by Muta and Adams hits hard into the near-corner turnbuckle stack. Hangman's neckbreaker drops Adams to the mat, but Muta's not done yet. Dragging Adams to his feet, Muta whips him across the ring, then attempts a cartwheel back elbow. Adams, however, sees it coming and catches Muta in mid flight with an upper chest lock, that he converts quickly into a full nelson powerslam. Adams, now thoroughly perturbed, drops the singlet straps, chops ("Whooo!") Muta across the throat, then reverse-whips Muta out and back into the same corner. Unfortunately, nobody told referee Mark Johnson, who suddenly gets a whole lot of Muta squarely amidships. Muta collapses, as does referee Johnson. Adams goes for the pin, but Johnson's still down. Adams goes to help Johnson, giving Muta time to both recover and load up.
Adams, satisfied with Johnson's recovery, turns, grabs Muta in preparation for a chokeslam, but gets a kisser-full of Green Mist from close range.
One inside cradle into a small package, and Muta gets the win.

Castrol GTX (Drive HARD, doggone it!) Replay shows the climax of the match in cool "GrainyVision."(tm)

Hudson and Heenan shill for the PPV one more time, and we're done.

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission