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/26 August 2000

WCW Worldwide by E.C. Ostermeyer




Hello, this is the "WCW Worldwide" report for Saturday, 26 August 2000, and I'm your reporter, E.C. Ostermeyer.
We join this week's show already in progress, since the local Jefferson Pilot Sports bunch that push godawful ACC football down our throats let the Florida State/Brigham Young game run way over. To whoever's coaching Brigham Young this year, some advice: If you're down by more than ten points, it's the fourth quarter, there's two minutes to go, your opponent is Florida State, and they have the ball, it's pointless to use your remaining time outs just to prolong the agony. If your game plan didn't work to start with, buying some extra skull session time with two minutes to go ain't gonna change things!

Thanks for the rant space, folks.

Footage shows Kevin Nash's heel turn and waffling of WCW Champion Booker T, that brings the crowd to it's feet...
And heading for the exits!
Can Nash get any more pedestrian with his moves? Booker even had to sell the heck out of a supposed Nash boot to the face that didn't even get above shoulder level.

Back to the Studio, where Scott "Your Havin' My Baby!" Hudson is strapped to his announcer's chair by Bobby "No, by God, I'm Not!" 'The Brain' Heenan.

Looks like Heenan's reading the latest issue of "WCW Magazine." Must have found a reprint of Mark Madden's article calling for the legalization of steroids. (Two words, Mark: Lyle Alzado. 'Nuff said!)

Hudson says that, with Nash's heel turn, you can't trust anybody in WCW anymore.
At this, Heenan puts down the magazine, and gives Hudson a "Well DUH!" look.
"Scott, you can't trust anybody in this world! I don't trust you, I don't trust the cameraman, I don't trust ANYBODY! You know what the "T" in Booker T's name stands for? "Turn My Back!" That's how you get nailed from behind! You NEVER turn your back on anything, Booker! Dummy!"
As Hudson shills for the upcoming "Fall Brawl" PPV, Heenan is suddenly stricken with a case of the paranoid jitters, whirling around to see who's (or what's) sneaking up behind him. Looks to be catching, because Hudson starts doing it as well.

Vampiro T-shirt. Still way too 'spensive. Graveyard courtesy of the Evinrude Chapel and Burial Mounds, in Calhoun , GA. All rights reserved.
Ryan "Symphony" Shamrock appears courtesy of the Vince McMahon ("We Own You!")Talent Agency.
Oh, an' yore des-tinny h'is beeyon' yore con-troll thar, pardner.

Nitrogirlsdotcom. Western Union moneygrams. Winterfresh gum. Let's talk about that mouth of yours! Local "Music for Robots" FM Radio station promo.
Here's an American Red Cross Blood Program appeal for blood donors.
Here's mine!
Right now, I want all of you folks to swear on your sainted grandmother's eyes that you will go donate a pint of your blood to the Red Cross this week. If you have any integrity left in that blighted, wasted carcass of yours, get your lazy ass down to the Red Cross and donate! And do it this week, not next! Sure it hurts initially, but all good things, (like losing your virginity!) hurt initially. That's life. It's thirty minutes of your time and a pint of your blood. And believe me, the Red Cross needs your blood a lot more than you do.
Don't bitch and moan and make excuses, just do it!

Back to the studio, where it's time for "Ask WCW."
Heenan's on the phone.
"Yeah, I'll show it to him in a minute. Naw, he's an idiot..."

"WE'RE ON THE AIR!" hollers an exasperated Scott Hudson.
Heenan hangs up the phone and...
Hudson and Heenan, in unison: "Welcome back to WCW Wor..."
Hudson: "If you don't mind, that's MY card, Brain!" gesturing to the prompter
Heenan assumes a pious visage, looking almost ecclesiastical in his serenity.
Hudson gives him another look, and sets up this week's "Ask WCW," then does a double-take, and says:

"Hey, we have a new computer!"
(Looks like an ancient MacIntosh PowerBook.)
"Yeah, Scott, I have some friends in high places, I pulled a few strings to get you a new computer, so you'd quit whining about the stupid questions the humanoids keep writing in!"
"Hey, it works! I can't believe it!" Hudson is ecstatic.
"Just check the "inbox," Scott," pontificates Heenan.
Hudson looks at the screen, then has to get real close to it, just to read the entry.
"Well, let me just read this off the sheet... Is that English? [ahem] Derick Burkhart..."
'Here, let me work on that a bit," says Heenan.
"Okay, Brain. Derek Burkhart..."
"Just let me slide it over here..." and Heenan nearly scoots the computer off the announcer's desk.
"Ooooh! Be careful!" warns Hudson, who then continues.
"This week's question, for Rey Mysterio Jr. is from Derek Burkhart, of Cadiz, KY, who writes " Did being only 5'3" make it harder for you to become a professional wrestler?"
Hudson looks at Heenan, who's busy punching buttons like mad.
"Do you have the question?"
Heenan: "What was the question?"
Scott, exasperated, says "In any event, here's your answer, Derek, from Rey Mysterio Jr."
"He's a little guy, isn't he?" asks Heenan.
"Who, Derek?"
Heenan's busy punching keys again. "First name Bo?" Two more clicks and...
"There!" says Heenan, as he hands the computer back to Hudson, who's beaming contentedly.
Over to Rey Mysterio, Jr. (live on tape) who says that just because he's little "doesn't mean he's not big inside where it counts!"

Back to the studio, where Heenan's got the computer in front of him.
"Go ahead, ask me the question again."
"We've already got the answer, Brain!"
"I just want to show you how we can get the answer from this new computer that I talked the bosses into giving us..."
"Okay, okay, Brain, the question was: 'at only 5'3" was it hard to become a professional wrestler?'"
Heenan, who's been typing away like crazy, hits the "Enter" key with a definitive "pop!" and says, triumphantly, "And here's your answer, dummy: 'At fifty three years of age, it would be hard to become a professional wrestler!"
Heenan slams the lid down on the computer with a bang!
"You have to be very careful with these things..."

Hudson just sits there, doing his best "Jack Benny" impression.
"Money well sp-AAAHHHH!" as Heenan accidentally drops the laptop on his hand.
Hudson, in a strained voice, says "We'll be right back with more action still to come," and just about doubles over from the pain.
Heenan holds up a floppy disk.
"What's this thing?"
"Call me a doctor," says the stricken Hudson.
"Okay, you're a doctor!" responds Bobby.
Hudson, in agony, puts his head down on the desk.

Quick now.

"The Watcher" promo. Bill & Ted's Excellent Serial Killing Spree.
1-800-CALL-ATT with-OUT former WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette-Cox.
GameBoy promo.
Local commercial block. Rednecks in La-Z-Boys. Again.
Great big local merchant "Marketplace Convention." Yawn.
Slim Jim promo. Each piece contains a real bit of Randy Savage.
America Online.
Lean Pockets contain only six grams of fat, which looks like it all went straight to this guy's head!

Match #1: The Harris Boys d. Kory Williams & Brian McNeal, (H-Bomb" finisher/pin, 3:03)
Sometimes you get steak. Sometimes you get beans.
Here's your beans, fans.
The match opens with Big Ron beating the hell out of Kory Williams, while Heavy D tosses McNeal out of the ring. McNeal is joined by Williams, albeit unwillingly, when Big Ron tosses Williams out of the ring. A "Pier Six" brawl erupts outside the ring, as the Harris Boys take full advantage of the various sharp and steel objects at ringside.
While this is going on, Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay are arguing over which Harris Boy goes with which name. Yeah, guys, don't call the match, or anything, huh?
Heavy D tosses Williams back in, and then oto the near-side turnbuckle stack.
Ron positions Williams in the center of the ring, then nails him in the chest with an elbow drop.
Double-team whip by the Harris Boys followed by a big back body drop sends Williams back to the canvas. Big Ron continues to work over Williams in the ring, while Heavy D goes outside to pound on McNeal some more. Williams gets tossed out of the ring again by Big Ron, and Heavy D's waiting there to hurl Williams into the steel guardrail. McNeal drags himself back into the ring, only to be set upon by the Harris Boys. Big Ron pummels McNeal into a heap in the near corner, then starts putting the boot it.
Willaims tries to drag his partner out of the ring, but the Harris Boys succeed in dragging him INTO the ring.
It's "H-Bomb" time, and good night Mr. Williams. Cover by heavy D, 1,2, 3.

Nitro's On the Road. This week it's Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Same old same old.

Back to the Studio, where Hudson is shilling for the "Fall Brawl" PPV again.
Hudson and Heenan discuss the upcoming match for the World Heavyweight Title between Kevin Nash & Booker T.
Heenan says that, though he's not a guy to say 'I told you so', hey, Booker,
"I TOLD YOU SO! Everybody knows you're banged up, and they're all gunning for you. You didn't take some time off to get healed up, and now you've got Kevin Nash, the biggest man in the company, looking for you. He's tasted the blood already. He knows what it's like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World. You could have taken some time off to get healed. But no! You are a dummy! You will be made to pay by Kevin Nash. It's a long way to this PPV, Booker T, and a lot of things can happen."
Hudson shills for the PPV some more, as Heenan resumes reading his magazine. He's still got the jitters, too.

Match #2: Vampiro d. Mad Jack, ("Nail in the Coffin" finisher/pin, 2:46)
The match opens with some of Vampiro's special effects smoke generators mis-firing, filling the ring with smoke.
(Hey, it wouldn't be WCW without some kind of technical foul-up, now would it?)
Vampiro uses the cloud of smoke to good advantage by sticking a side-kick in Mad Jack's ribs. Cross-corner whip by Vampiro gets a bulldog follow-up. Both men on their feet, and Mad Jack goes for a full-nelson on Vampiro, but Vampiro escapes by backing mad jack hard into the far turnbuckle stack., and breaks the hold.
Two elbow shots and a double mule-kick by Vampiro leave Mad Jack staggering. Kick to the knee, kick to the gut, and a spinning front kick to the face sends mad jack to the mat again.
Vampiro goes up to the top turnbuckle, but his Giant Splash gets a mid-flight boot in the gut from Mad Jack.
Three kicks, a punch, and a spinning heel kick from Mad Jack sends Vampiro to the canvas. Dragged back to his feet, Vampiro recovers in time to block a pin attempt, then sets up a top-turnbuckle "Frankensteiner" that shoots Mad Jack clear across the ring. Vampiro covers, 1,2, Mad Jack kicks out.
Vampiro tries for the Giant Splash again, only to get the boot in the gut again. Staggering back to his feet, Vampiro sees Mad Jack on top setting up for his own Giant Splash, and quickly counters with a vicious powerbomb. His "Nail in the Coffin" finisher gets Vampiro the win.

Same promo block from Q1. Even includes the "Rednecks in La-Z-Boys" promo.

Match #3: Jindrak & O'Haire (w/ Perfect Event) d. Jung Dragons (O'Haire w/"Sean-ton" Bomb on Yun Yang/pin, 6:18)
Chuck Palumbo joins the announce team to provide "color commentary." Thrillsville.
Kaz Hayashi shoves Mark Jindrak as the bout opens. Jindrak gets Hayashi in a headlock, and then pirouettes, lifting Hayashi's feet up off the canvas, and spinning him in a big circle, all the while holding Hayashi by his head! Yeowtch!
Jindrak lets go, and a groggy Hayashi lands in a heap. Kaz tags in Yun Yang who tries for a spinning heel kick on Jindrak, and misses. Yang's attempt at a Russian leg-sweep also misses, as does his hurancanrana, although Jindrak didn't set properly for the move to work. Still, Yang's momentum drags Jindrak off his feet, and Yang goes for a cover, 1,2, no!
Palumbo and Tenay are bantering back and forth, with Palumbo calling the Jung Dragons "Ninja Turtles," and Tenay taking exception to it.
Meanwhile, the action has moved out of the ring, with Yang taking Jindrak to the floor, while Jamie San and Hayashi are busy working over Sean O'Haire. O'Haire bails out, and is quickly followed by a swan-diving Jamie San, while Hayashi dives through the ring ropes to spear Jindrak.
Back in the ring, Sean Stasiak of "Perfect Event" does a gorilla press on Yang, and sends him crashing face first into the canvas. A second gorilla press mis-fires, allowing Yang a go-behind to a collar tie-up. Stasiak quickly powers out with a couple of stiff elbow shots. There's a cross-ring whip, followed by a Stasiak flying elbow to Yang's forehead. Cover, 1,2, Yang kicks out!
Cross-ring whip by Stasiak, who sets for the back body drop, only to have Yang do the float-over, and try for a Sunset Flip takedown. Stasiak's a bit too massive for Yang to be successful, and a bit too cocky, too, as he wipes off the sweat of his brow, and flings it in Yang's face.
Unfortunately for Stasiak, Yang's in a perfect position to exact retribution, which he does by "adjusting Stasiak's in-seam" for him! Ouch!
Hey! Even Tenay liked that one!
Tag to Kaz Hayashi, who promptly gets tied up against the ropes by Stasiak.
There's a tag to O'Haire, who vaults into the ring to continue the beat-down on Hayashi.
Cross-ring whip by O'Haire ends with a big body slam on Hayashi. Cover attempt gets nothing.
Chop from O'Haire, who then tags in Jindrak. Double-team move levels Hayashi with a towering body drop. Jindrak pauses to grab some cheap heel heat from Mr. Cameraman, as Chuck Palumbo comments approvingly at ringside.
Jindrak tosses Hayashi into the Wrong Part of Town, where Sean Stasiak's waiting to continue the beat-down. After rubbing Hayashi's face on the middle rope Stasiak cross-corner whips him, but eats a Hayashi boot on the charge-in. Hayashi's follow-up clothesline misses, but Stasiak's Big Right Hand doesn't, and he capitalizes by nailing Hayashi with a jumping powerbomb. A pin attempt is broken up by Jamie San. Hayashi gets dragged back in to the Wrong Part of Town again. A double-team cross-ring whip by Jindrak & O'Haire sends Hayashi spinning off the ropes. Double leapfrog by Jindrak & O'Haire lets Hayashi cross the ring a second time, and right into a vicious Jindrak scoopslam. Cover attempt by Jindrak gets broken up by Yang.
Tag to O'Haire, who bounces Hayashi's noggin off the mat a few times.
Tag to Jindrak, who sets up Hayashi for the O'Haire short clothesline.
Hayashi ducks just in time, and O'Haire nails Jindrak right in the kisser.
A contrite O'Haire tries to help his downed partner, only to get nailed by a Hayashi double dropkick to the bazoo.
Hayashi tags in Jamie San who swarms onto Sean O'Haire and starts raining punches on his head. A shove by O'Haire drops Jamie San to the mat, but he lands on his feet, and has enough presence of mind to duck a Jindrak clothesline. Jindrak's momentum almost nails his partner with the clothesline, but he stops just in time. The pair turns...
And gets a double boot in the jimmies by Jamie San! Ouch!
Palumbo's hollering "That's not right!"
Jamie San ducks to one side, just avoiding a Sean Stasiak elbow drop. Jindrak & O'Haire slowly get to their feet... and get a double missile dropkick by Yang off the top turnbuckle! Jamie San headbutts Sean Stasiak, then nails him to the mat with a tope con hilo. Cover by Jamie San, 1,2, O'Haire's in to break the pin, and also nail Yang with a standing side-kick. A "Sean-ton Bomb" set-up of Jamie San by Jindrak gets shortstopped when Jamie San boots Jindrak in the gut, and then crotches Sean O'Haire on the top turnbuckle.
Front chancery on Jindrak by Jamie San, with Kaz Hayashi adding some kicks to the gut for good measure.
A huge double-team back body drop by Jamie San and Hayashi on Jindrak knocks the wind out of all three wrestlers. This allows Sean O'Haire to connect with his "Sean-ton Bomb" finisher, obliterating Jamie San. O'Haire covers, and that finally does result in a win.
Post-match, Palumbo goes to ringside and joins in the general beat-down on the Jung Dragons.
Castrol GTX sponsors the instant replay, showing O'Haire's "Sean-ton Bomb", and the pin.


For the final time tonight, we see:
Nitrogirlsdotcom promo.
"Your destiny is beyond ..." aw, skip it.
Winterfresh gum. Let's talk about that hot and nasty mouth of yours again, shall we?
1-800-CALL-ATT. Again.
Western Union MoneyGram will allow you to get married. No kidding.
Jeez, a freakin' Pokemon commercial!
Rednecks in La-Z-Boys. For the umpteenth time.
The Children's Advocacy Center. Y'know, the Fox channel here once scheduled this promo twice on an episode of "Titus." Ironic, no?

Back to the studio, where Scott and Bobby discuss Goldberg's situation, (read "face-turn"), and what that may mean for WCW.
Hudson opines that, due to the recent harassment of his girlfriend, Goldberg may not be firing on all cylinders.
Heenan, on the other hand, says that Goldberg is firing not only on all cylinders, but he's got more cylinders than anyone in WCW previously thought.
"Goldberg is a very dangerous man, and only the wrestlers back in the locker room and here in WCW know what's at stake here. Goldberg's dynamite with the fuse lit! He's a loose cannon, a hand grenade with the pin gone! Negotiation, sitting across a desk, is not important to Goldberg. He's gonna be physical now, he's gonna do things his way. And believe me, I would not want Goldberg hunting for me!"
Hudson says that "there is no hiding place from Goldberg in WCW," which prompts Heenan to do a quick check under the desk to make sure.
"Is he down there, Brain," asks Hudson?
"I hope not," says Heenan, who's now peering up at the lights and catwalks above the set, checking to see if Goldberg might be lurking there instead.
Hudson continues to shill for the upcoming "Fall Brawl" PPV.
Heenan gives a start as he hears a noise coming from under the desk.
Hudson hears it too, and says "Come in?"
Heenan slips out of his chair, then quickly dives under the desk.
Hudson is perplexed.
"What is going ... HEY!" Scott jumps as something (or somebody) grabs his ankle.
There's a loud "Bonk!" followed by an even louder Heenan "OW!"
Hudson bails out of his chair as Mr. Cameraman back-tracks away from the scene.

"What... Who is... How'd SHE get under there?"
"I dunno, Scott..."

See you all next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission