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/9 September 2000

WCW Worldwide by E.C. Ostermeyer




This is the "WCW Worldwide" recap for 9 September 2000, and I'm your recapper, ol' "Cracka Eezy EeeCee."

Opening credits, wherein Terry Taylor tries to use 1-800-CALL-ATT, and gets a half-hour of the folks at Amazondotcom explaining the changes in their privacy statement to their irate customers.
"No, we're not gonna hand out your Visa card's number to just anybody! Well, not right away, at least..."

Your hosts are "The NEW Mac Daddy" himself, Scott Hudson, (Congrats, Scott) and Bobby "the Toolman" Heenan.

Heenan does the "okay" sign.
(How're you feelin' Ms. Heenan? Hope y'all are doin' better this week.)

CRZ was kind enough to point out to me that these shows are currently about two weeks behind where the plot points presently are in Vince Russo's "Grand Design."
Ergo, Hudson and Heenan open this week's show by discussing the "Shovel Thwack Heard 'Round the World," aka Bret Hart's heel-turn on Goldberg in the desert outside Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Hudson asks Heenan if "Bret Hart is part of Vince Russo's 'band?"
"Whew, I don't think Karnac could figure that one out," says Heenan. "I've known Bret Hart for twenty-some years. I've known that whole family. I know how this man operates. I know the titles he's held. I know the victories he's held. I know all about this man. He's all about himself. He only cares about himself. If he's with Russo and the Band, I don't know. If he's for himself, I don't know. But I'll tell you one thing; he's a very dangerous man.

"He's just like me; I'm out for myself, you're out for yourself, Scott..."
(Hudson does a passable "What can I tell you?" shrug.)
"...I've heard you knock Tony and Mike a lot of times..."
(Stunned, Hudson's got a "Where'd THAT come from?" look on his face.)
"...But that's your business if you don't like 'em..."
(Hudson is shaking his head in exasperation.)
"...but Bret Hart is very, very dangerous, because all he cares about is Number One!"

(Hudson is looking around the set as if to say, "Does ANYBODY know what he's talking about?")

"I have NEVER knocked Tony, Mike or anybody else, Brain!" says Hudson angrily.
Heenan, in an aside to the fans, mouths the words "he's lying!"

Hudson looks about ready to explode, as we go to ringside and Scott's "long time personal friends, Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay..."
("Liar! " says Heenan soto voce.)

This week, Konnan provides the color commentary.

We've got three matches on tap for this week, including a Ladies' Three Way Dance between Major Gunns, Paisley, and Tygress, with Madusa as special referee.

Over to "Mean Gene" Okerlund, who's got the Jung Dragons on the stick this week. Or rather, Okerlund's got the new 'mentor" of the Jung Dragons, the black-leathered-and-booted Leia Meow, (aka ECW's Kimona Wanaleia) on the stick.
Okerlund's question to Kaz Hayashi about Leia's effect upon their careers gets an emphatic stream of Japanese. Okerlund's question to Leia about her plans for the Jung Dragons, gets a response to the effect that she's going to turn these little boys into men. Kaz is paying a little too much attention to Leia's cleavage, and ends up kissing her boots for his presumption, then gets walloped up side the head for emphasis. "You guys pay attention to me," says Leia," because if you don't, you'll get what he (Kaz) got!"
All three Jung Dragons cower behind Mean Gene, who is very careful to say "Thank you!" to Ms. Meow.
Y'know, I'm coming around to Mr. Merrick D. Bernstein's point of view.
"Crafty Asian" stereotypes, indeed!

Tony wants to know where you can sign up to join the Jung Dragons. Konnan says he sometimes needs to be put back in line, and wouldn't mind it if Leia was the one doing the "putting!"

Back to the studio, where the air conditioning is apparently out again, as Heenan's complaining about the heat.
Nope, it's just a setup for Nitro footage from Las Cruces, NM, where Vince Russo's been busy "putting the Band" back together.

"Russo's not just a guy from New York with a big mouth, " says Heenan. "He's the kind of a guy who wants to win; he wants to be successful. Now he's put together this... "Band" of people he can trust. People who can trust him. And Russo, whether you like him or not, is a genius when it comes to conniving. Watch out, people, watch out!"

Footage from Nitro opens with Kevin Nash telling the fans in Las Cruces,
"I don't give a damn about any of ya, and I never have! So as you chant for Booker T, get it out of your systems, because in Buffalo, you're looking at the next WCW World Heavyweight Champion!"

Russo begs to differ with Nash, and says that he won't be the champ in Buffalo, he'll be the champ tonight, here in Las Cruces, with the rest of the Band at ringside just to make sure.
Nash is ecstatic about the opportunity.
Booker T is decidedly less so, and has WCW Commissioner Ernest "The Cat" Miller along to back him up. Miller's demand that Russo and the Band leave the ring, (capped off with an "I have spoken!" catchphrase) only gets Booker T and himself punked-out and stomped on.
Later, Booker T loses the Title to Nash as a result of an "El Kabong" guitar shot from special referee Jeff Jarrett.

Back to the studio, where Heenan's wielding the big black rubber hammer. The hammer is making squeaky-toy noises.

"Are you done?" asks an irate Scott Hudson.

"Are we on?" asks Heenan, dropping the hammer and folding his hands like nothing's been going on.

Hudson gives Heenan another look, then continues to describe the Band's actions as thuggish.
Heenan takes exception to the use of the word "thug."

"This is not oriental ping-pong you play in a basement, nor is it checkers you play in some hillbilly gas station, on top of a barrel.
This is WCW, where everything goes here. It doesn't matter! You can use tables, chairs, whatever. They're not thugs; they're well-conditioned, Greco-Roman athletes!"

Hudson, stunned, can only reply, "Checkers, and oriental ping-pong. Covering the Wide World of Sports here on Worldwide. If we may get back to professional wrestling, Brain, when we come back, what went down between Nash, Scott Steiner, Goldberg, throw in Booker T..."

(Heenan suddenly leaps for the phone and takes a call. "Hello...")

"...Mike Awesome, and Jeff Jarrett. To say it broke down, would be an understatement!"
Hudson looks disgustedly over at Bobby the Brain.
"I'm not here!" he declares.

Heenan, still on the phone, says, "You mean he's here? NOW?"

Get your Buff Bagwell MasterCard. Own a piece of history.

We come back... Heenan's still on the phone, talking animatedly.

Hudson: "Welcome back to WCW Worldw-... We're ON THE AIR, BRAIN!"
"I'm talkin' with Kevin Nash, the World Champion," snaps Heenan.
"Kevin Nash?" says Hudson.
"Yeah, Kevin Nash, so why don't you just keep talking with the humanoids out there, and then I'll let you talk with him!" Heenan goes back on the phone.
Hudson continues with his short biopic of Kevin Nash, when Heenan puts the phone down and looks expectantly at Scott.
"You done?" asks Hudson.
"Kevin Nash wants me to relate something to the humanoids out there," says Heenan, smugly.
Hudson gives him a look and continues with his biopic. Heenan goes back to the phone, then begins laughing uproariously at some "bon mot" of Nash's.
Hudson: " Jeff Jarrett, Mike Awesome, and the former champion Booker T are involved with this. And how this- ...if you don't MIND Brain!... can all explode in our faces at Fall Brawl..." (looks over at Heenan who's still on the phone, giggling.)

"...two...three..." (looks at his watch...)

" ...well?"

Heenan (still giggling): "You know what Nash just said? You take Awesome, you take Booker T, and you take Goldberg. You know what they're missing?" (Checks back with Nash on the phone) "Neither of them are World Champion..." (Checks with Nash once more)"... and neither of them have Vince Russo! With Russo as the brains behind it, the other three are at a big disadvantage, don't you agree?"
"Well, of course I agree," admits Hudson, " when you put it that way..."
"Good, go back to talking to the humanoids while I finish here," says Heenan.
Heenan gets back on the phone, and starts laughing really loud while poor Scott Hudson tries to segue into the next bunch of footage.

"...Really?" says Brain ( on the phone) ," From behind?! Hahahaha!"

Hudson puts his head in his hands.

Footage from Nitro shows Goldberg on the NitroTron "digging" a ditch, er, "grave" way out in the desert.
Well, maybe "digging" isn't the right word, since WCW Post Production failed to cover up the backhoe's tracks in the sand there.

Goldberg's snarling to Russo, telling him, he's next!

Russo fears the righteous wrath of Goldberg, and takes steps to avoid it happening to himself.
Booker T is shown leaving the Arena after being screw-jobbed out of the Title by Russo et al earlier in the evening. Goldberg shows up and growls:
"It ain't over yet, man. C'mon, we got work to do."
Booker T follows Goldberg back into the Arena.
Nash is shown kissing the Title belt before taking a shower. Booker T sneaks in and wallops Nash with the belt right in the shower stall.
Awesome appears out from under a pickup truck load of guitars to whack Jeff Jarrett silly, and then dump him onto the guitars.
Meanwhile, Goldberg enters the Men's Room, and clobbers Scott Steiner with a lead pipe.
Russo, frantic, turns to Big Vito for help.
Vito kisses Russo right on the mouth.
Russo and Vito have their confrontation with Goldberg in the ring. Vito whacks Russo, and then, per Goldberg, "takes out the trash."
Back to the desert, where a moaning Russo is about to take a long dirt nap courtesy of Goldberg.
Enter Bret Hart, who wants some of Russo as well.
Though, when Goldberg complies, Hart waffles Goldberg on the noggin with the shovel.
"I like ending careers too!" snarls Hart.

Back to the studio, where Hudson tells us why Hart clobbered Goldberg.
Hudson also gives the medical updates on:
Kevin Nash (some blackouts,)
Scott Steiner, (massive facial damage and thinks he's a little pink pussycat,) and
Jeff Jarrett (keeps hollering "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"),
but all should be okay to wrestle at the "Fall Brawl" PPV.

AS for Bret Hart, Heenan reiterates his position:
1) Hart was injured and "put on the shelf" by Goldberg,
2) Hart's got a bull-sized taste for revenge because of that, and
3) Goldberg should "never give Bret Hart a shovel and then turn his back on him!"


We come back, and it's time for "Ask WCW."
Our question this week comes from Andrew Gibson of Huntingtown, MI, who asks Jeff Jarrett "How long have you been a professional wrestler?" and "Why did you want to become a professional wrestler?"
"Wow, kid, a great question! What'd it take you, all of 14 seconds to figure out that one?" sneers Heenan, who's busy working on the ancient Apple PowerBook laptop again.
(Yikes, Heenan's got a hold of a power screwdriver. This bodes ill for the laptop.)
Hudson sends us over to Jeff Jarrett, but not before he spots the powered screwdriver.

"Oh nooo..." says Hudson.
"Uh ohhhh..." says Heenan

Jarrett, in full-bore "Chosen One" heel mode, says that "Slappy" should get his terms right; he's a "sports entertainer", not a "wrestler!"

Back to the studio, where Hudson's getting a crash (literally!) course in computer repair, from Heenan.

"...interesting answer from Jeff Jarrett..."

(Heenan, struggling with the screwdriver, flips a large piece of "something" out of the back of the laptop,)

"...Brain, how long have..."

( another piece flies off)

" long did you want to become a computer repairman?"
"All my life," says Heenan, proudly. "Chips are my life. Y'see those? Those are confroginators. What they do, they hook up to your thurn. You reverse the tip of the pythatronator valve, hit it three times..."

(Whack! Whack! Whack!)


"...and then take it back to where you bought it."

"Sounds like a plan to me," says Hudson. "Next week, fans, obviously, a new laptop on the set of Worldwide..."

"Don't worry, I'll get this fixed, it'll be working fine" says Heenan, who's busily pounding a memory module in. The wrong way round.

"From here in Tech Central, we send you over to the ring with Mike Tenay and Tony Schaivon-OOOOoooohhh!" hollers Hudson, as Heenan slips with the powered screwdriver and jabs Hudson right in the side.
As Hudson doubles over in pain, Heenan's looking around guiltily. "Are Tony or Mike around? Let me check..."

Match #1: Sean O''Haire (w/ Mark Jindrak) d. Mike Rapada, ("Sean-ton Bomb" finisher/pin, 2:18)

Konnan's at ringside to provide color commentary. Jindrak also joins the crowd at the announce table
As the action in the ring gets underway, Tony and Mike start grilling Jindrak on the punk-out of Paul Orndorf by the Natural Born Thrillers at the WCW Power Plant.
Jindrak says that it was a "growth thing," and for Tony & Company to keep their big announcer bazoos out of NBT business!

O'Haire opens the action with a Big Right Hand to Rapada's nose. Rapada counters with an arm wringer, but O'Haire ripostes with a sidekick to the gut. Circle kick misses, but Rapada sells it anyway. Cross-ring whip by O'Haire, and Rapada eats a Big Left Foot on the way back.
Cross-corner whip by O'Haire gets reversed, but O'Haire nails Rapada on the run-in with a big elbow.
Top-turnbuckle somersault by O'Haire misses, but O'Haire lands on his feet, then nails Rapada with a superkick. Knee-on-the-chest cover by O'Haire, but only a 1 count for his presumption.
Cross-ring whip by O'Haire gets reversed, and Rapada hits a twisting neck-breaker, then goes for a cover of his own, 1,2, but O'Haire gets a shoulder up.
Cross-ring whip by Rapada and a big back body drop. Another cross-ring whip, finishing with a cross-body block by Rapada, and a cover, 1,2, O'Haire kicks out.
Rapada tries for a springboard off the ropes, only to eat a clothesline by O'Haire. Cross-ring whip by O'Haire, and Rapada gets a snap powerslam.
O'Haire goes up to the top turnbuckle... and spikes Rapada with his "Sean-ton Bomb" finisher. Cover, 1,2,3.

1-800-CALL-ATT wants you to know that Nitro will be in Charlotte, NC this Monday night.
But you already knew that, didn't you?


Match #2: The Jung Dragons (w/ Leia Meow) d. Kory Williams & Brian McNeal & Chris Harris, (Yang w/Reverse-angle piledriver on McNeal/pin 4:22)

The match opens with the Jung Dragons getting walloped and run out of the ring by Williams & Co. This brings out Leia Meow to whack some sense and backbone into the Jung Dragons, who flee back to the ring in terror. Yun Yang's back in, and doing a martial arts number on Kory Williams. Yang ducks a swung right fist by Williams, and nails him with a backbreaker. Cover by Yang, 1,2, Williams kicks out.
Williams reverses a cross-corner whip by Yang, and Yang hits the turnbuckle stack hard. Tag to Kaz Hayashi. Kaz charges at Williams, but gets tripped up, and shoved to the mat. Cross-corner whip by Williams, but Kaz leaps to the top turnbuckle and back flips over Williams... but Brian McNeal waffles Kaz with a rabbit punch, then locks him into a full nelson. Williams' charge-in gets a double order of boot to the kisser from Kaz, who then snap-mares McNeal almost through the ropes. Harris comes in and pinions Kaz again for the triple-team clothesline. Kaz stares Awful Danger square in the face and ducks to one side at the last possible moment, leaving Harris to eat the clothesline from his teammates.
Williams and McNeal try to help their stricken partner, but Kaz claps his hands together to get their attention, and then Yang REALLY gets their attention with a towering pescado off the top turnbuckle that nails Williams & McNeal to the canvas. Harris again full nelsons Yang, for the triple team clothesline...
...and gets nailed again when Yang ducks out of the way.
Yang does some martial arts wind-milling of the arms for McNeal and Williams, who each respond with that "Karate Kid"-'crane' fighting stance. Yang counters with the dreaded Three Stooges' double poke to the eyes, then nails Williams with a spinning heel kick, as Kaz does the same to McNeal, and all the heels tumble of the ring.
Yang and Kaz do middle-rope springboard moonsaults on Williams and McNeal, respectively, while Jaime San vaults the top rope and spins Harris off his feet with a flying hurancanrana. Leia Meow appears to be pleased with her charges. At the moment.
Back in the ring, it's Jaime San and Chris Harris. Jaime San blocks a hip-toss by Harris, ducks a swung-fist clothesline, and then hits a side Russian leg-sweep. Springboard twisting legdrop by Jaime San, and a cover, 1,2, no!
Jaime San works over Harris in the far corner, but a cross-corner whip gets reversed by Harris, who then eats a boot on the charge-in.
Two missed clotheslines result in a spinning neckbreaker by Harris on Jaime San.
Tag to Williams, who starts right in with a cross-ring whip on Jaime San, who counters with a head-scissors takedown on Williams, followed by a shoulder block through the ropes.
A top turnbuckle climb by Jaime San ends with Williams shoving Jaime San's feet off the ropes, crotching him on the turnbuckle. Yang tries to interfere, but Williams goes for the pump-handle slam on him. Cover by Williams, but Jaime San does an aerial spike to break up the pin attempt.
Williams tags in Harris, who drives Jaime San to the canvas with a belly-to-belly front slam. Harris' attempt at trash-talking Kaz Hayashi only gets him Kaz' boot in his face, followed by a springboard DDT. Cover by Kaz, 1,2, and McNeal's in to break up the pin attempt. Gorilla press set-up by McNeal on kaz gets shortstopped by a jaime San boot to the knees, causing McNeal to stagger and release Kaz. Yun Yang sneaks in and scoops the 350 lbs McNeal up for a back body drop...
...but Yang hangs on to McNeal's legs and sits down abruptly. This converts the back body drop into a wicked-looking reverse-angle piledriver.
Yang covers and gets the pin.
Post-match, Leia Meow enters the ring and berates her charges for the sloppy way they handled themselves. She then demands that each of them lick her boots, and the Jung Dragons comply, much to the disgust of Mike Tenay.
However, both Tony Schiavone and Konnan want to join up with the Jung Dragons, ASAP!

Back to the studio, as Hudson...

"Gimme THAT!"

snatches the powered screwdriver away from Bobby Heenan.

Hudson gives the current fight card for Fall Brawl, while Heenan sits there with an angelic look on his face.

Uh-oh, what's he up to?

Hudson finishes plugging the Jeff Jarrett/Mike Awesome match, and asks Heenan's opinion on its possible outcome.

"Well," says Heenan, "Think about the guitars. These are prize guitars that Jeff Jarrett got from Elvis, Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, even Morty Feldman. And for him to get smashed in that truck, and ruin those valuable... heirlooms, Awesome's gonna pay, big time!"

"Was that an autographed Morty Feldman?" snickers Hudson.
"Of course, that's the only way he does business!" retorts Heenan.

Lance Storm's match-up with General Rection for the Canadian/US Title is plugged, with Heenan opining that Major Gunns is currently being employed as a "Puck Girl" for the Calgary Flames hockey team.

"Puck Girl!" snorts Hudson.
"Are you ignoring me?" snaps Heenan.
"Every chance I get!" retorts Hudson, who then shills the Three Way Dance between Sting, Vampiro, and The Great Muta, and the "Chain" tag-team match between Kronik and the Harris Boys.

Heenan just remembers something, snatches up the phone and begins dialing it.


Match #3: Paisley & Tygress d. Major Gunns: Three Way Dance w/ Madusa as Special Referee, (Paisley w/ top-rope spinning kick/pin, 1:22)

This Three Way Dance match grew out of an incident between the three principals on a recent Monday Nitro, with Paisley and Tygress and the MIA's Major Gunns squaring off.
Madusa's there to make sure everything's on the up and up.
The match opens with Major Gunns a cheap-shot kick in the back by Paisley, followed by a clothesline from Tygress that sends her to the mat. Madusa chases Paisley back out of the ring, as Tygress goes to the top of the near-corner turnbuckle stack, and slams Major Gunns with a cross-body into a cover, but only gets a two count.
Tygress pinions Major Gunns for Paisley, but Major Gunns ducks out of the way, and Tygress eats Paisley's superkick. Gunns stands over Tygress, taunting her, as Tygress slowly gets to her feet.
Gunns misses with a roundhouse right, but Tygress connects with a stinging slap across Major Gunns' face. Paisley sneaks in, and nails Gunns with a (sort of) clothesline, and Gunns still sells the move to make it look good.
Konnan, at the announcers' table, has an idea.
Why don't the girls wear thongs the next time, and could there please be gelatin and whipped cream in the ring?
Tony Schiavone says he doesn't think so.
Mike Tenay's making gurgling sounds.

Tygress tags in Paisley and scoopslams Major Gunns. Paisley goes up to the middle rope, and nails Gunns right in the face with a spinning heel-kick! There's a cover, 1,2,3!

Paisley wins!

Post-match, Paisley and Tygress get the boot in on Major Gunns, but are stopped by Madusa. Paisley goes for a high-five on Tygress, but Tygress wants no part of it, and leaves the ring, with Paisley following behind, slapping hands with the fans and talkin' trash.

Castrol GTX Replay shows us Paisley's spinning heel kick and the pin.

Back to the studio where Hudson and Heenan shill for the upcoming "Fall Brawl" PPV yet again.
As regards the Kevin Nash/Booker T match, Bobby the Brain has some advice for Booker T, because

"Boy, the game... has... changed! Kevin Nash is the champion, Booker T's got to beat him to get the Title back.
Kevin Nash is at 100% and Booker T is not.
He's wounded.
Oh, yes, Booker, you have that determination in your heart, you have that endurance, you have that...'feeling' for the 'people'.
Booker, pick up your phone, if you've paid your bill this month, and call and say "I quit! Nash is too much for me!"

Hudson thinks that Booker T's not gonna "phone it in" to "Fall Brawl!"
Heenan just smirks and looks pleased with himself.

Scott Steiner and Goldberg also face off at "Fall Brawl", and Bobby the Brain's got something to say about that, too.

"Let me give you a little psychology lesson here about wrestling. When I was a wrestler, I never hated anybody. I still don't hate anybody. Many people think I hated them, but I never hated anybody. When you hate, you can't think right, you can't operate right. Goldberg and Steiner, they hate each other!
They REALLY hate each other!
They're not going to think rationally.
They are going out there to tear each other's heads off!"

Hudson says that with Nash and Booker T vying for the World Championship Title, then Goldberg and Steiner at each other's throats, that "it could get ugly... correction, it WILL get ugly at Fall Brawl!"

As the closing credits roll, we hear Bobby Heenan telling Hudson, "And, boy, do you know 'ugly', Scott! I've seen the Kolotsky Triplets, and let me tell you, THAT"S..."
Hudson puts his head down on the desk.

See you next week.

E.C. Ostermeyer
[slash] wrestling

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission