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/14 August 1999

WCW Worldwide by Mike Mousseau




If you compare your coworkers' workrates and wonder who would pop the biggest quarter-hour ratings, you may watch too much wrestling.

I'm Mike, and this is your weekly edition of WCW Worldwide. Let's go back to last week, where I asked you for your favorite mixed drinks. This prompted a huge influx of mail (two messages, a lot comparatively), and many, many drinks to try (well, three). Ronnie Cox, a [slash] columnist, sent "what not to drink": Bacardi 151, Triple sec, a little sweet and sour mix, and Hawaiian punch. No name was given for this concoction. By the way, you should read Ronnie's stuff; I loved The Unsung Heroes. SINESTRO submitted Beam and Coke and Whiskey sours. I tried the Beam and Coke (at the Buck)--by my estimate, it was 80% Jim Beam. Strong, but it had a good taste. I'll get around to the Whiskey sour sooner or later. As for the concoction above, that may take some time, but I'm willing to try it. Note to Rob--Kevin Hayes (short, spikey hair) told me to tell you I work with him.

With preseason football games on TV, and the college season just around the corner, I'm once again afflicted with football fever. That prompts this week's question: Who will win the Superbowl next January?

Let's get to the show!

Great, the cable's fuzzy this week. I hate the dorms. Good to see Schiavone back in the studio. Uh, not so much. He and Larry Zbyszko hype Road Wild to begin the show. The show was taped before the retirement stipulation was added, thus they don't have much of a selling point here. We're not wasting any time this week--2.8.99 Nitro clips already. We see Sting's request of Goldberg as a partner to challenge Sid and Rick Steiner for a tag team match. Then, the two heels attack Goldberg backstage. Sting gets beat up as well. We see Sting jump from a Stinger Splash into a Sid chokeslam--remember that sequence, you'll see it again soon. Now Goldberg is out to save the Stinger. FFWD to the match, with Hogan and Bischoff commentating. Do you mind if I skip this? Didn't think so.

Larry and Tony build up Hogan and his match with Nash. I gag, then dry heave a couple times. Let's go to an interview.

"Mean" Gene is standing by with "Big" Dave Flair and Torrie Wilson. Ooh la la! My first piece of eye candy on Worldwide. Torrie is wearing a tiger print-type dress, and she's giving us mucho cleavage. Gene sucks up to her. Torrie says Dave has a lot of talent, in and out of the ring. OK. Dave's interviews make me laugh. He's pretty cocky here, but on a scale of 1 to 10, he has about -2.5 charisma. Gene plays up that Buff wants Dave's US title. Well, maybe next time. Torrie smiles a lot during the interview. I do too.

This portion of WCW Worldwide is brought to you by Starburst hard candy (give it some juice). There's that 15 year old with the fake ID. Remember when Dennis Miller was funny? 10-10-20 does. Motel 6 gets airtime, as does WWF Smackdown on UPN 9, WWF Attitude by Acclaim for Sony Playstation and NEI College of Technology.

Did you hear that Harlem Heat reuinited? They have won 7 tag titles in 5 years! At 7.29.99 Thunder! (sorry, no [slash] report for this show), Booker T and Stevie Ray hugged. On 2.8.99 Nitro, the Triad talked smack about HH. Kanyon: "Fruit Booties." The teams wrestled a non-title match; Heat won. Booking rule #46a dictates that when a challenger wins a non-title match, the champ will win the rematch for the belt. Will this hold up at Road Wild?

Larry and Tony put Heat over a little more in the studio.

What'ryalookinat?!?! Saturn's T-shirt, for only $20, plus $5.95 S&H. Fake "Born to be Wild" brings us the Road Wild promo. Jean-Claude Van Damme stars in Universal Soldier: the Return. Eat Milky Way candy bars and Wendy's french onion chicken grill. Shop at United Outdoor Stores. Visit Minneapolis Drafting School is for CAD specialists. Promotional consideration paid for by the following: Slim Jim, America Online, Tinactin, Motel 6, Viractin and Armor All Protectant.

Randy Savage and Dennis Rodman will put on a technical wrestling clinic at Road Wild. Savage called the Worm out at 2.8.99 Nitro. Mona comes out. Methinks she's pretty good looking, and a good wrestler to boot. She sucks up to Savage. The crowd pops (?) when he makes her beg for her job back. Now he calls out the Worm. Rodman with an elbow drop. And another. And that's it.

Larry: "Two's company, three's a shroud." What? More commercials now. I love commercials.

Use 1-800-CALL-ATT, and say "dude" a lot. Watch "Outside Providence," use Castrol GTX motor oil, try Jovan Bodytonics, because they are like sports drinks for your skin. If you have lice, use RID. Eat Subway sandwiches and watch minor league baseball. Take Advil liqui-gels for pain relief and hire some guys for legal advice. Closed captioning where available sponsored by Western Union.

Tony and Larry hype the PPV, and show us the card. You know it by now, and probably the results, so I'll skip it. Tony calls Sid the millennium man. Uh huh. The duo build Sid up as a monster. Hogan/Nash promo (sans voiceover) airs.

Ads for NAPA auto parts, 1-800-CALL-ATT, odor-free Capzasin, Gold Bond ointment,, Taco Bell and Curtis Walker law offices. Promotional consideration paid for by the following: David sunflower seeds, Moen faucets, Toaster Breaks Pizza, Viractin, America Online and Naya water. Let's go to the ring for our double main event. Tony plays up Rick Steiner's attack on Scott Hudson. Scott will not be commentating this week. Boo!

Match #1: Prince Iaukea v. Evan Karagias - Oh shit. Taking Hudson's place is Dusty Rhodes. He's the American Dream, don't ya know. Play by play man is Mike Tenay. Referee is Johnny Boone. The Prince attacks before the bell with a back drop from the second rope. Karagias with punches and a standing dropkick. Whip to the corner, and Evan hesitates before hitting the clothesline. Chop, Irish whip, reversed, floatover quasi-DDT by Karagias. To the corner, and a back body drop on the Prince. Lariat by Karagias. Prince goes to the outside. Karagias hits a pescado (thanks, Cubs fan!) on the Prince. Eye poke lets Iaukea regain control. Head to the mat, and back in you go. Hair pull and pick-him-up-by-his-hair-and-slam-him. Legdrop gets a two-count. Then another two-count. Nice snap suplex by the Prince. He's playing the heel here, which I like him as better. Cover for two again. Prince pulls Evan's dreads, with his knee in the middle of his back. Snap mare and a kneedrop by Iaukea. Evan is tossed over the top to the outside. Karagias goes face-first to the steel steps. Back in the ring now. Whip to the ropes, Evan stumbles, and there's . . . something. Punches by the Prince. Head to the turnbuckle. Prince Iaukea is dominating the match. Head to the next turnbuckle. Whip to the corner, snap mare out of it. There's the hair pull with the knee in the back again. Karagias flips out of the backdrop suplex attempt and counters with a not-so-snappy suplex. He covers for a one-count. Karagias hits a flying forearm smash. Prince is up quickly, though, and gets some shots in. Karagias catches Prince's springboard something attempt and turns it into a powerslam. That gets two. Karagias now hits his own springboard crossbody, but the Prince rolls through and pulls the tights for the 1,2,3 (4:47) Evan gets tossed from the ring. Our 10-10-321 replay confirms what we already suspected: The match ending was sloppy.

The Revolution is interviewed by Gene. They are being held down, so they are sticking together. The Revolution begins now, people!

Commercials: Wendy's french onion chicken grill, Motel 6, RID, 10-10-220, Starburst hard candy, Drew Carey show on UPN 9 this fall, NEI College of Technology and WWF Attitude by Acclaim Sports for the Playstation.

Match #2: Disco Inferno v. Bobby Eaton - Your referee is Nick Patrick. Lockup, no, kick by Eaton. Punches, whip to the ropes, and a back elbow puts Disco down. To the corner, a charging Eaton gets a back elbow from Disco. Punch, to the ropes, and yet another back elbow sends Eaton down. There is Disco's side Russian leg sweep. Second rope forearm drop gets two. To the ropes, reversal, and Eaton sends Disco to the outside. Eaton gets punched while trying the double axehandle to the floor. Atomic drop by Disco. Back in the ring. Disco dances and gets decked by Bobby. Boot choke, and Disco is kicked to the floor. Disco back in now--more punches by Eaton. Eaton misses an elbow drop. Disco in control; he hits an inverted atomic drop and his swinging neckbreaker. Cover for a two-count. Lariat by Disco gets two. Eaton sneaks in a punch to regain control. Eaton misses a punch, and Disco hits the Last Dance for the victory (3:39). The Tinactin replay reveals that Disco actually used a Stone Cold Stunner to win the match.

Let's go back to the studio to hype the PPV some more. Goldberg will spear and jackhammer Rick Steiner. Boy, Zbyszko sure talks smart. Well, that's the show I guess.

Remember, email me with your pick to win the Superbowl. The address is below. See ya's next week.

Mike Mousseau
playing Robert Gibson for
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission