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/11 November 2000

Women of Wrestling


Guest columnist: The Cubs Fan



It took me a couple days to realize that the reason I got no e-mails was because I didn't manage to sneak my e-mail address in here. I'll try it this time: - watch as the hyperlink mysteriously disappears!

Last week on WOW: Lana Starr rhymed badly.  Also, her hair turned green. I'll mention the "Lana screams so loud, you can hear it space" goofy part this time.


On today's show, Caged Heat, Farah the Persian Princess, Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, Jade and Riot.

Phantom vs a Beach Patrol vignette - Phantom's the half masked bodybuilder/(electric) violin player, in case you forget. Backstage, um, I don't remember which lifeguard is which, so I'll guess Summer: "I'm so nervous." Sandi: "I can tell, that's the third time you've retied your boots!" "I just don't know what to expect out there." "I can tell you what you can expect - that you're going to do a great job, don't worry about it!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive, you've been training so hard, you're ready." "Alright, you're right." "Come., on let's go. You're gonna do great.  You can do it Summer, I know you can."

Phantom vs Summer - Summer was Sunny last time we saw her, but someone figured out why that won't work.  If I tell you that Summer's real name is Bobbi Billard, can you figure out the location of her official site? I'm ignoring Lee Marshall out of principle here. Lockup, headlock by Summer, taking her down for two, Phantom rolls her over for 2. Back to their feet, off the ropes, no, headlock held on. Off the ropes again, she's still holding on so Phantom trips her off, but Summer kicks her away. Summer uses a surfboard, har har. Phantom turns it around, but Summer kicks her way. See, she's a lifeguard, so she has leg power. Or I'm guessing. Headlock, but Phantom picks her up for a kneebreaker. Phantom pulls her in the middle of the ring, toe hold, leg pull. Back to the toe hold, leg pull. Taunt to the fans, toe hold, and legdrop on the leg. Up, and another legdrop. Elbow drop. Another elbow drop. McLane: "Phantom, quite confused: does she want to be a musician or a wrestler?" As opposed to everyone else here just to wrestle? Sit down on the left leg, and another. Phantom tries to pull Summer out, but Summer kicks her away. Phantom back up and this time Summer gets pulled out. Body slam on the outside. Summer beats the count in, but we go to break. 

Back in the ring, Phantom takes down Summer by the leg, and works on a toe hold. Figure Four! Summer tries to get to the ropes - and she does. Summer uses the corner to stand back up, but Phantom grabs her legs from behind. Summer holds on the top rope - and now she loses her grip, falling face first into the mat. Knee slammed into the mat. Figure four again, but Summer rolls her up - for 2. Hair pull, body slam. Sharpshooter! Marshall calls it a reverse crab because he's an idiot. Summer taps. (6:32 shown) Phantom refuses to let go, so in comes Sandi. One foot connecting dropkick, and then a zero foot connecting one. Phantom grabs Sandi by the legs, while Summer stands on the outside and watches (supposedly in too much pain to help, but not enough to prevent her from standing around), Sharpshooter! Sandi taps out, but this isn't a match. In to save both Beach Patrol members - Wendi Wheels? Sure, why not - kick to the midsection, Blow Out (X-Factor.) Wendi celebrates while Phantom holds her nose. Wendi's video plays to celebrate Phantom winning the match. Replay of the Blow Out. plug.

Coming in to the arena in a van - it's Caged Heat.

Back in the locker room. "P-A-T-T-I, Patti Pep...Patti Pep!" Here's Lana Starr to question the cheerleader. "Hey, Pep, I would like to talk to you!" "Lana, what are you doing here?" "I want to know if you died my hair green." "I wouldn't touch your hair with a rake! And after what you did to Randi Rah Rah, I shouldn't be speaking to you!" "It was an accident, I hit her over the back of the head with a mirror, how was I supposed to know that she'd get glass in her eyes." "Well, she did, and thanks to you, I don't have a partner." "Well, neither do I, that twit Poison was the worst personal assistant. See, we're in the boat. If you can maybe help me find out who died my hair green, I could possibly help you. I know a lot of influential people - movie producers, TV producers, I can get you into the best parties."  Patti appears to be considering the idea, but we switch to..

Caged Heat are be taking to a holding cell. They threaten David McLane (as required in everyone's contract) and mess with the camera on their way. 

Julie Day talks to Wendi Wheels: Wait a minute, Wendy's not a heel! "That's right, I wrestled Phantom before, she tried to break my leg with a Sharpshooter. When I saw her give it to both Summer and Sandi, I had to do something." "So, you sped in to the rescue?" "I  was revved up, running on high octane, there was nothing she could do to stop me. Giving her the blow out, and slamming her face down on the mat." "Well, word is that you broke her jaw - now she can't play the violin or wrestle!" "Music to my ears. About time that girl was set in for repairs." "As the number one pin-up in garages everywhere, do you have anything to say to your fans?" "I sure do, Wendi Wheels - I'll get your motor running."

Caged Heat are put in their holding cell. It looks like more like a utility closet. Caged Heat promise "hard time" for Paradise and Farah later.

Last Week on WOW - Riot gave Lotus a powerbomb, Jade tried to give a dropkick to Jade, and Riot gave her two powerbombs. Which leads us to this week and...

Riot vs Jade - Either someone's managed to totally take down the set in the last couple minutes, or this is a different taping the first match. Riot's got the mic: "I am unbeatable. I am unbreakable. I am the Riot! And I was getting a little lonely sitting back there by myself, so I thought I'd come out here and hold a challenge to any of you so called women wrestlers. Whoever gets in the ring with me, I want your biggest, your baddest, your meanest wrestler McLane. Yea, I'm talking to you, give it to me now. 'cause I don't think any of you can take it, 'cause no one can take it on the Riot!" Riot looks surprised (must've not seen that video package) and then laughs. Riot attacks before the bell, but misses. Amazin that there are about 20 Jade signs out there, all looking exactly the same. Riot misses a ax handle, and Jade rolls her up for 0. Riot with the hair pull. Body slam. Pulling her around by the hair, Riot tries for a back suplex, but Jade takes her down with a bulldog. Riot rolls her over, 2 count, Jade gets up. Jade back to her feet, headlock still on, off the ropes, shoulderblock, Riot doesn't feel it. Riot with a running elbow drop that misses. Up, and another one misses. Riot pulls Jade by the hair, sets her up for the powerbomb (and revealing quite a bit), Jade slips through the legs, up to the second rope, cross body, Riot catches her, backbreaker. Jade tries to crawl out but Riot catches her - slingshot. Hair pull, hip toss.  Jade's got quite the wedgie. (Weaker than usual) Powerbomb, cover, Riot pulls her up. Riot's teasing another - Powerbomb. Riot's not done. The ref yells no more, Riot spits in his face.  THAT'S A DQ? (3:34) This is the ref who bumps, so he goes face first into the turnbuckle.  Riot's got the bat - shot to Jade's back.  Lotus bounces down to the ring, and falls before the bat even hits her. Oh well.  Riot celebrates.

Coming up next, a feature on Terri Gold.

Caged Heat is still in the holding cell, and still talking about beating Farah and Paradise. "The longer we get locked up, the meaner we get."

Terri Gold interview:  "This is Julie Day filling a special report. Normally, I'd find myself threatened by the likes of Danger or Riot, but this is assignment is a pleasant one, and interview with WOW World Champion Terri Gold. Terri, how does it feel to be the first WOW World Champion?" "Julie, this is the most exciting time in my life. It is just an honor to represent this organization and all these wonderful female athletes." "Let's see exactly how you won the belt."  Here's some footage of the end of the battle royale. "Can you tell us what went through your mind when David McLane handed you that championship belt?" "It was a dream come true, I've been training all my life to be a champion, and I knew when I was younger something special was going to be happen." "But once you became WOW champion, then everyone wanted a piece of you." Clips of Slam Dunk, the Disciplinarian, EZ Rider and Jungle Grrl challenging her. "Your first challenger was Jungle Grrl, whom you have a lot of history with." "Yea, Jungle Grrl and I both joined WOW about the same time, and we instantly became friends. We started training together, spending quite a bit of time together, really feeding off each other's energy. Unfortunately, we became very competitive with each other, and Jungle Grrl then challenged me in the ring." "So, you successfully defeated Jungle Grrl, and you've been undefeated ever since. What's been the best part about being champion?" "Oh, it's definitely the response I'm getting from the fans.  It has been wonderful. The children, and the response I'm getting from them.  The other day, I was at the grocery store, and this little girl, probably five or six years old, ran up to me and said 'Are you Terri Gold?' And I'm like 'I am Terri Gold.' 'My dad taped the show and I got to watch it on Sunday and I love you' and I picked her up and hugged her and said 'I love you too' and I put her down and she ran down to her dad and she's like 'Dad, that's Terri Gold!' and I melted right there. It's just wonderful to be able to affect her that much." "That is so sweet.  Well, congratulants on your success on WOW champion, and just in honor of you, we have a music video of you as WOW champion."  Terri's music plays, as clips for her matches against Jungle Woman, Disciplinarian and the six man tag from last week.

Backstage, some women attaches on their mask.  Apparently, that's Mystery. She doesn't look to have any eyeholes.  That's not a good sign for her match, coming up next.

Julie Day talks to Lana Starr: Julie's in her third different outfit of the day. "That's the fabulous Lana Star, the star of the shop, and it's my time in the spotlight, so don't upstage me - I'm on a mission. "Does that mission have anything to with your new hair color?" "Of course it does! One of you jealous hags out there died my hair green, and intend to find out which one of you did." ""It's been rumored that you've been dying your hair for a while." "(Sigh) I dye my roots dark as a public service to all you poor, unfortunate women whose husbands and boyfriends want to stay home if I didn't." "Well, do you have any idea who might have turned your hair green?" "Not only am I hot, but I'm also brilliant. I've made a list of all my enemies, and I intend to interrogate every single one of you." "Wouldn't you want to start with a list of your friends - after all, it's much shorter." "I just added you to my list, did you die my hair green?" "I don't do hair, I'm a field reporter." "And you don't do interviews very well either." There's a mirror shot for Julie, who sells it like she's been light slapped. "I warned you about upstaging me!"

Security Cam 27 shows Caged Heat asking an officer to be let loose for their match. The officer won't let them  out, so Delta starts climbing the cage.

WOW will be having 12 Tag Team Tournament. In so far, Caged Heat, Asian Invasion, Paradise & Farah the Persian Princess, Bronco Billie, Harley Angels, Beach Patrol.

Mystery vs Beckie the Farmer's Daughter - Back to the first match's taping. I still don't know how Mystery can see out of that thing, but I think she's someone working double duty.  Beckie doesn't have her relatives this week.  Lockup, Mystery with an eye poke, gut shot,  turnbuckle shot.  Boot choke in the corner.  McLane goes nuts.  Whip, clothesline misses, Beckie hits a cross body for 2.  Headlock, reversed into an armbar into a hammerlock, Beckie reverses into one of her own, snap mare by Mystery.  Mystery with a slam. Cover, 2 count, ref Jessie Hernandez almost gets hit again, let's go to break.

Back, with Mystery in control. Mystery pushes Beckie into the corner, Gut shot, right, right. Corner whip, reversed by Becky. Mystery charges out, atomic drop powerbomb - Beckie hooks on the Farmers Roll, but it only gets two counts.  Push into the corner, hiptoss out. Beckie waves at the camera - dropkick, 2 count.  Beckie with a corner whip, reversed, Beckie with the turning cross body for 2. Beckie with a whip, dropkick. Beckie moves her over, celebrates, going to the top rope - big splash, Beckie forgets to hook the leg but gets 3 anyway. (3:40) Beckie slaps hands at ringside.

Caged Heat are handcuffed, but let out of the 'holding cell' and towards the ring.

Elsewhere, David McLane (how'd he get to the back?) is confronted by Lana Starr.  Funny how the amount of green in her hair seems to have changed. "McLane!" "What do you want? Can't you see I'm in a meeting right now? I've got a show to put on here." "I want to know who did this to me!" "Well, it wasn't me Lana, I can't keep up with the cost of your hair." "I already know how cheap you are. But I also know you have access to the security tapes." "Those surveillance tapes are only for security purposes Lana, I can't let you see them." "The security obviously doesn't work - look at me!" "Lana, what do you want me to do?" "I want you to go through each and every one of those tapes to see which bitter, jealous hags did this to me." "Lana, I can't do that - do you know how much it costs for an editor? I'm not gonna spend that type of money, for you or your crazy witch hunt."  "This is the last time you'll ever be on the Lana Starr show!" Lana storms off.

Caged Heat is walking backed down the stairs. They say "Hard Time" about twenty times, making me wish that the security guard escorting them was actually the Big Bossman.  Almost.

Lana Starr massages the back of a random video tech. "I always thought editors were the most interesting people. (Lana sticks out her tongue, out of the editor's eyesight) I could always use a good editor on the Lana Starr show. The scene of me in the shower - do you have it?" "Uh, it's in the machine right now." "Can I see it? I'd love to give the other person in the scene their proper credit." "Let me call it up - here." Hmm - that looks like Julie Day! Wait, no, "That's Poison!"

Farah the Persian Princess and Paradise vs Caged Heat - Hey, I think that's as close as we're getting to my stereotype! I can make out Caged Heat's rap lyrics this time .I know we'll both regret this, but: "Loca and Delta Lotta Pain! Caged Heat! Unleashed! It's a hard life, we're doing hard time, we learned the hard way, and take a hard line. You got no man, you got not life, you got no rights, you got no life. With my bad friend, I did bad things, now it's a bad life, I have bad dreams. Doing crazy time for my crazy time, you got me going crazy, with these crazy rhymes. Yeah, let me tell you, this ain't no place for nobody, yeah." In case you're still unclear on the concept, Loca gets the mic. "Yo, wassup? Caged Heat is about to put a beat down on somebody! You D, what time is it?" "Loca, it's hard time. I said what time is it?" (crowd kinda boos) "Hard Time!" Caged Heat attacks from behind, and eject the face team from the ring.  Caged Heat celebrate on the turnbuckles. Local smashes Paradise's head into the apron. Delta Lotta Pain beats up Farah, then rips up a guy's sign! The guy then starts crying. (And now you know the secret.) Everyone back in the ring. Synchronized shots in to the turnbuckle, now Caged Heat are just beating them in the corner. Whip into each other. Synchronized elbow drops - misses.  Double whip, double back elbow by Paradise and Farah.  They bump hips to celebrate, while Caged Heat roll out. Delta and Farah are going to start this out - Delta with a kick, and snap mare with liberal use of the hair. How about another, and a punch for Paradise.  Pulling Farah up buy the hair, and taking her back down by it. Whip, the hair throw down is now the Slammer.  Delta tags in Loca, double shot to the back. Farah sneaks between Loca's legs, and takes Paradise - who gets killed by a Loca clothesline. Here's the obligatory slingshot.  Shot for Farah, as Delta comes is - Hart Attack!  That'll do it. (3:33)   But they're not done - another shot for Paradise, Farah gets ejected, and the ref takes the Hart Attack too! Huge flying bump over the top rope - someone sign this ref! Into make the save - random security man! But he gets beat up too, and Caged Heat are free to run the street.

Elsewhere, another security man is escorts Terri Gold to the parking lot. As Terri enters her car, she gets attacked from behind and hit over the head by some  masked women - but by who?

Your normal party host will be back in next week. Be back then.

The Cubs Fan
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