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QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 1/4 (+ 5/16)

This is Women of Wrestling #16, airing in most markets the weekend of 20.1.1 from the Church of WOW, the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA (taped 15.12.2K, mostly)

We start the show by taking you inside David McLane's office. "Lana, Patti Pizzazz - glad you came up, have a seat. Hey, I'm gonna have to call you back, I've got Lana Star and Patti Pizzazz here in my office - okay - call you back." Now we do a series of eerie closeup cuts.

"What do you want, McLane? I'm a VERY busy executive producer and star."

"She is, I'm in charge of her scheduling."

"Well this isn't gonna take long--Lana, could you at least lean back? This isn't Basic Instinct." "Can we just get on with this? I'm probably already late for a..." " appointment, facial, your massage with Sven..." "See? I'm late for Sven!" "Sven? There's always something with you, Lana Star. I'll cut to the chase. You remember your match with Poison and Ice Cold? You think you're moving ahead in the tag team tournament? Remember doing this - hitting Poison in the head with a mirror? Well, that's gonna cost you Lana...and you too, Patti, because I'm overturning the match." "You're WHAT?" "Overturning the match - you heard me right. You're not the winners." "We won that match fair and square!" "Fair and square, I'm tired of it - I'm tired of listening to that, and seeing you gain victories by using the mirror." "But you can't give the match to Poison and Ice, they were totally doubleteaming her through the whole thing - and Ice is the one that got in the ref's face!" "You're right...for the first time. I'm not giving the match to Ice Cold or Poison either. Neither one of you are advancing in the tag team tournament." "I wish I had a mirror right now." "You're gonna need one, you know why? In today's broadcast, you know who you're gonna wrestle? Ice Cold! And she can't *wait* to wrestle you, Lana." "Well guess what - Patti Pizzazz is in charge of my bookings, not you." "That's right - that's MY job." "If anyone wants to fight me, they have to beat her first." "That's right, that's my job too. Haven't you learned anything, McLane?" "Yeah, I can remember one thing, and I know one thing: the two of you need to learn a lesson." "And I think you...need...a trim." Star produces an electric clipper, and they pull him over his desk. As McLane screams for Security, let's move on to...

Opening Credits - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!

Well, that was a convenient way to get the remaining teams down to a power of two...but...gosh, why doesn't McLane do that *every* time there are shenanigans?

To ringside! "DAVID McLANE here, fans, with the #1 Contender for the world championship title of WOW Women of Wrestling, due to Danger's inactivity, RIOT, you are now #1 Contender for the world championship that is around the waist of Terri Gold." "McLane, you better give me that belt right now, because if you get Terri Gold in that ring with me, you better have an ambulance waiting outside. Terri Gold, are you listening? You better turn up your volume, and all you idiots out there - the only reason why you're the champion is 'cause they were too stupid to figure it out - I'M the one who should be champion. Look into my eyes - because the next time you see these eyes, it's when you're gonna be meeting your maker. I'm gonna tear every hair out of your head, I'm gonna take my bat and beat you senseless and break every bone in your body, and I'm gonna powerbomb you not once, not twice, but over and over again until they peel me off your bloody corpse. The near...'cause nothing can stop THE RIOT!" Wow, Riot and I have the same exact eye colour.

TONIGHT: Ice Cold! Slam Dunk! Caged Heat takes on Bronco Billie and Beckie the Farmer's Daughter in a tag team semifinal! And, in the main event, Riot takes on Terri Gold with the championship on the line!

ICE COLD v. P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ PATTI PIZZAZZ - McLane's still in the ring. "Making her way down to of the most chilling performers in professional wrestling. From the Arctic Blast....she is....Icccccccccccccccccccccce Cold. Her opponent for this match--" "Cut the music, McLane!" "Her opponent for this match, Patti Pizzazz!" "Cut the music, McLane." "Paul George, Andy Hecker, where is Patti Pizzazz? Patti Pizzazz?" "I can tell you where Patti Pizzazz is. Lana Star informed us that I had to go through her 'personal assistant' before I could get to her." "What are you insinuating?" "Come on, David - that took less than five seconds - show it on WOWvision!" "You've done something to Patti Pizzazz?" We check out WOWvision, where Patti was taping a promo...only to have Ice jump her, ram her into a mirror (which doesn't break - oh, no IRONIC JUSTICE in this world), then Pillmanise her arm in a folding chair. "One down, one to go!" Cold lays in some fake tears. "Ohhhhh....poor Patti Pipsqueak, all hurt. I don't think she can wrestle - a deal's a deal, I want Lana Star NOW!" "Ice Cold wanting Lana Star...." Patti's music hits again...and here she comes. "...but here's Patti Pizzazz! Patti Pizzazz! Lana Star's protege...Patti Pizzazz..." What McLane (and Ice Cold) have missed is THE FABULOUS LANA STAR hitting the ring from behind and breaking a mirror over Ice, macing McLane and tossing him through the ropes and outside. Star produces...the scissors. Looks like the haircut is actually gonna happen this time. As Patti cheers her on, Star goes for the white and blue locks. Master of psychology McLane explains that this is the most devastating thing one can do to a woman - well, I guess in the WOW world. POISON makes the late save, shoving over Pizzazz and giving Star *just* enough time to escape before leaving the ring. They play Star's music as the Pink Pair head up the ramp. Ice *finally* comes to, sees her hair on the mat, and goes insane. Poison has trouble holding her's a replay of the haircut. A brief graphic for the pay-per-view, and it's time for the Benny Hill break - while that's happening, ponder this question: in this matchup....who exactly is the FACE?

When we come back, Riot is heading into the production truck...but why? Grabbing a tech and punctuating each word with her bat, she says "I've got a job for you, TV boy."

WENDI WHEELS v. TANJA THE WARRIOR WOMAN - "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing America's favourite garage pinup girl, it's Wwwwwwwwwendi Wheels!" Vroom vroom! I count three "vroom vrooms" before she leans back on the top turnbuckle and asks he to take her. "Her opponent...the warrior woman Tanja!" LEE MARSHALL comments on McLane's red, red eyes (from the macing, you see). McLane soldiers on, however. What does a woman do with a broadsword, anyway? ("Wouldn't YOU like to know?") Geez, I didn't mean to feed you a straight line. Wendi is STILL trying to rev up the crowd - too bad her back is to the time sure turns around, she's right in line to eat a big running shouldertackle. Into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Wendi hits a clothesline. Side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, Tanja to the ropes, breaks the hold, Wendi with a shoulderblock. Scoop...and a slam. Rev it up already! Into the ropes, reversed, head down, leapfrog over by Wendi, dropping down, legs hook the shoulders for a takedown, out at 2. Wheels puts her into the corner, vroom vroom, well, took too much time as Tanja runs at her again but Wheels is ready with the drop toehold! Pulling her back in - over for the Boston crab...too close to the ropes, but Tanja chooses to just muscle out of it, rolling over Wheels for 1, quickly reversed by Wheels for 2. Lockup, Tanja breaks the stalemate with a knee, kick, kick she hits an enzuigiri. Into the ropes, Wheels ducks the clothesline, but not the reverse spin kick! Tanja has both legs...GIANT SWING! Well, only 1.25 rotations - very disappointing. No WONDER she kicks out at 2. Into the corner, Tanja runs at her but takes two boots to the chest. Wendi on the second rope, vroom vroom, flying clothesline....only gets 2! Into the ropes is reversed, and Tanja lands ANOTHER spin kick. Into the ropes by Tanja, kick ducked, gutshot by Wheels, there's the Blowout! 1, 2, 3. (2:55) How many teeth did Tanja lose? No time to check as RIOT is out - bat to the stomach! And the POWERBOOOOOOOOOMB! Riot has the mic. "Do you remember ME? Do you know what *that's* for, Wendi Wheels? Show it to 'em on the WOWvision." Let Us Take You Back Several Weeks when Wheels gave Riot the Blowout. "That's just a little payback, and a reminder that nothing can beat The Riot." Play her music - I think she's gonna dance now! is the place to be!

"Who is Miss Cleo?" Why, *she's* the woman I'm always fast forwarding past!

It's VIDEO PACKAGE time - featuring Creepy Voiceover Guy! "They've battled each other in EVERY type of match! Their hatred SO strong it can't be contained in the ring or any arena! There is only one way to end this war, and that's inside the STEEL cage! Selina Majors and Thug in the battle of their lives - a steel cage match at WOW Unleashed! February 4th, the pay-per-view action is on iNDEMAND!"

SLAM DUNK v. BOOM BOOM THE VOLCANO - "Lllllladies and gentlemen, introducing the six foot three power forward, it's Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam Duuuuuuunk." "Slam Dunk's got one word for you - UNDEFEATED." "Her opponent, from the beautiful island of Maui, it's Booooom Boom." Lockup, shoved away by Dunk. Boom Boom comes back with the WOW dropkick - into the ropes, reversed, big foot to the chest by Dunk. Off the ropes...legdrop MISSES! Boom Boom is the corner...there's the VOLCANO! Into the opposite corner, going for it again, but Dunk has the boot up and shoves her away. Dragging her to the corner, putting a foot on each rope and covering. The referee, who has seen all of this, goes ahead and counts anyway. No WONDER you don't have a name yet! Dunk bumps his chest. Dunk poses to the crowd - Boom Boom sneaks in a schoolboy (McLane: "scoop slam") for 2. Here's the scoop attempt...but Dunk isn't moving. Reversal into a bodyslam for Slam Dunk! "Now what? Slam Dunk." Legdrop off the ropes gets 2. Dunk making "don't go there" motions to the crowd. Another legdrop...and another 2. On her shoulders...helicopter slam coming up - big power from the basketball star. "I am - I slam!" Splash hits - 1, 2, foot on the rope. Will Boom Boom be the first to get the W on the Slammer? Into the ropes, ducks a clothesline...but caught in the choke. After an awful lot of mugging for the crowd, it's CHOKESLAM time. That'll do ya. 1, 2, 3. (3:15) Not bad for a (expected) squash. "Your winner, and STILL undefeated...Slaaaaaam Dunk!" Replay confirms this was the best chokeslam ever - a testament to BOTH athletes. "Shaddup! Slam Dunk has something to say." Oh, sorry. "McLane...Muh-Clane. As you can see, Slam Dunk is still undefeated. I have wrestled all the so-call 'top contenders.' I mean, come on - I even wrestled two at one time. All Slam Dunk is askin' for is for some real competition...please? Because...I am...I slam! Look, all I'm doin' McLane, is I'm just trying to go for the gold." Well, that may have been the wrong choice of words as ROXY POWERS - THE TOTAL ATHLETE is out in all yellow - is she trying to become my new favourite wrestler or something? "Hey, Slam - Slam! You're always running your mouth saying you're lookin' for some real competition," Slam breaks into melodramatic laughter for our benefit. "Who do you think you are? I am Slam Dunk!" Powers makes the "talk to the hand" hand motion. "Yeah, you always talk the talk...but now let's see if you could walk the walk." "All right, you want some o' this? Well I'm six-three, I ain't hard to find!" Powers hits the ring - Dunk ducks the swing - choke..well this'll be short - no, wait, Powers drops down and hits a legsweep, taking Dunk out! She yells at the commentators, who yell right back. Roxy decides a "Roxy" chant is in order, and tries to work one up from inside the ring. "Hey Slam! Hey Slam ... I'm out." And doing a Dunk impresonation, dropping the mic and walking away. Dunk goes nuts, grabs McLane's lapel and finds the mic. "McLane - c'mere! Come here!" "You don't need to do this to me!" "I need to do this to you. Let's do this. Slam Dunk and Roxy at WOW Unleashed, February 4th. Now I'M out." McLane agrees to it on the spot as the PPV graphic shows up one more time. Hey, wait - TV-14-DLV? Man, if I were thirteen and my parents actually paid attention to ratings, I'd be PISSED.

"Twelve teams began the WOW tag team tournament, each one hoping to advance, ready for a shot at the gold. After intense battles and hard-fought victories, six teams moved on to the second round! Now, only four remain - but only two will make it to the finals. The last ones standing will meet at WOW Unleashed February 4th to decide WHO brings home the belts. The pay-per-view action is on iNDEMAND!" Lana Star's voice: "And get ready to see the WOW girls fight it out in a different kind of battle...the Women of Wrestling turn up the heat in a dazzling swimsuit competition - watch the Women of Wrestling strut their stuff!" Holy cats, is Summer, like, NEKKID in that shot? How'd that get through? "It all happens at WOW Unleashed, February 4th on iNDEMAND...don't miss it!"

BRONCO BILLIE and BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER (with a hick) v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) in the semifinals of the WOW tag team tournament - "Ladies and gentlemen, this match - part of the WOW tag team tournament! Introducing, from the wild, wild's Bbbbbbbbbbbronco Billie! Her tag team partner...all the way from Hog Holler Nebrasker, it's Beckie the Farmer's Daughter!" Marshall: "Who in the world is that?" McLane: "I think it's her brother or her cousin..." and then he fails to add "maybe both" to amuse me, so I'm forced to do it myself. This is why recapping can be such hard work sometimes! "Their opponents, from the Nevada State Correctional Facility...Llllladies and gentlemen, CAGED HEAT is UNLEASHED!" Pyro for the Orange Terror, who rip up a few signs on their way down, lest they get TOO much of a face reaction. "Wasuuuu-uuu-uu-uuuuup. You know what time it is!" "I said, do you know what time it is?" "Thass right." Beckie and Pain are gonna start. Lockup, Pain shoves her into the corner, right, right, into the opposite corner, but Beckie springs to the second rope, jumps over her and hiptosses her. Second rope dropkick - 1, 2, Loca gets a boot to her head through the ropes - and she probably kicked out, too. Beckie puts her in the ropes, reversal, brought up, but Beckie manages a dropkick. Pain rolls out, back in at her corner to tag in Loca. Lockup, Loca muscles her down. Scoop...and a slam. Loca steps over Beckie as McLane shows off one of the tag team championships - looks just like the WOW title, but with a white strap instead of a purple one. While you ponder this, let's pause for a brief word about....impotence

When we come back, Loca tries a snapmare, Beckie tries to cartwheel out but fails to land on her feet. She STILL comes off the ropes with a dropkick - second rope crossbody gets 2. Tag to Pain - tag to Billie! Right into a gutshot by Pain, snapmared over. Into the ropes, hairpull takedown. Pain gets jiggy, then drops the leg. You know, I'm sensing a weak link on the team of Beckie and Billie. Call me crazy. Billie sent into the ropes, up on the shoulder...and rammed into the turnbuckle. 1, 2, Beckie in with a dropkick to break it up. While referee "Blind" Josh Milton tries to get Beckie back to her corner, Loca quickly comes in and helps Delta on a double press and drop. Billie sent into the ropes, ducks the clothesline, and hits the bulldog! Tag to Beckie...dropkick! But she landed in her corner, and Loca gets the tag. Hiplock by Beckie, arm drag, dropkick, off the ropes...but Delta Lotta Pain hooks the ankle and Beckie goes down. All four ladies in now...Billie eats a clothesline from Loca, and gets tossed. Pain holding Beckie, but she ducks Loca's clothesline, and Pain takes it instead! Beckie puts a knee in Pain's back, taking her outside. Beckie's going up! But JUNGLE GRRRL rushes out and shoves her off the top rope. Loca makes sure to step on her on her way back to the corner - Pain with a somersault legdrop off the top rope (whoa!) - hey Billie, don't just WATCH, get in there and SAVE HER - oh I guess not - 1, 2, 3. (1:26 + 2:39) No sooner are their arms raised than two GUARDS cuff 'em and take them backstage. Several replays of Jungle Grrrl shoving Beckie off. Hey, she's got a mic! "So Beckie - how's it feel to be splattered on the mat? You'd better get used to it, 'cause I challenge you to a splash match at WOW Unleashed. You'll find out the devastation of my splash and that it rules like the law of the jungle. So welcome to my game of dominoes, baby - 'cause you're the next to go down." McLane is in the ring: "Beckie the Farmer's Daughter was prepared, as you can see to deliver, right off the third rope, her patented move the splash and win their way to the finals of the championship of the tag team tournament but Beckie, Jungle Grrrl interrupted your potential win." "You know what, you're gonna be sorry that you ever messed with the Farmer's Daughter." "Fans, let's give 'em a hand - Bronco Billie and Beckie the Farmer's Daughter." Beckie is down and holding her side...but she still lights up for the fans!

RIOT v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW World Championship - "Introducing the Heavy Metal Maniac - it's Rrrrrrrrrriot!" "Yeah...I can see who you want for your champion. Come on out, Terri Gold - it's time to take your beating." "Her opponent - SHE is a perfect 10...she's the Women of Wrestling champion...Terri Gold!" Gold now wears a "10" on her chest - and if you think I'm gonna make THAT joke before I get a chance to interview her, you're nuts. DANGER is out? And she's NOT carrying nunchuks or a broadsword? McLane wants to know why she's here. "Danger, why are you coming out here now, Danger? We have a title match - Riot against Terri Gold! You have no business being here at ringside." "McLane, you took me out, and then you made me #2 Contender." "Rightfully so!" "And Riot, you blew our tag team, and Riot, I warned you that you were on the highway to hell." "Riot--" "I'M the #1 Contender, not you. You are #2. I'm #1 and I'm gonna be champion, and right now...I'm gonna bash your head in." But Danger ducks the swing and gets under her arm - DANGER DROP through the table! Marshall wants to know if Danger's nuts - no, she *always* does this, Lee - where ya been? "Danger, what are you doing? This was Riot's title defense! This was Riot's shot! What are you doing? Terri Gold, you're not gonna have a title match tonight. I"m sorry, Terri Gold, you won't be able to wrestle tonight." "Terri Gold, do you accept my challenge?" "I accept your challenge!" "No way, Danger, you're not wrestling Terri Gold - Terri Gold, this is not a sanctioned match! You can't wrestle, fans, no way!" "I will take on anybody, any time, any place. That includes you, *Danger.*" "You're gonna wrestle Danger? I beg you, don't do it Terri Gold!" "You guys came here tonight to see a title match - am I right?" "You haven't prepared for this...this isn't right! Fans, we've got a match, I guess Terri Gold will take on Danger!" Right after this break...

TERRI GOLD v. DANGER THE WEAPONS MASTER for the WOW Championship - Danger shoves when we come back, Terri shoves back, Danger dropkicks her. Referee "Blind" Josh Milton frantically cals for the bell....and doesn't get it. Oh well. Gold dropkicks Danger out of the ring...too much posing. Gold with a cartwheel just for fun. Danger back on the apron - Gold with a springboard dropkick to keep her out. Danger back in - boot up to meet her - into the ropes, Gold somersaults under, but Danger lands a back elbow. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam by Danger - 1, 2, kickout. Scoop...and a slam. "My house!" We cut the the crowd...and come back to Danger putting on the camel (toe) clutch. Gold's head rammed into the mat. Into the ropes, gutshot, off the ropes with the swinging neckbreaker. Press - 2. Into the ropes, Gold manages a crossbody...for 2! Gold going up top...but her crossbody hits *Milton*! Danger tosses Gold over the top rope to the outside. Crowd chants "table" and she clears off the second table. "Where ya goin'?" On the apron - no way - yes! DANGER DROP FROM THE APRON THROUGH THE TABLE!! Putting her carcass over her shoulders, back into the ring, I think this might be it, folks. Cover...Milton up slowly...1....2........3!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new WOW World Champion. (3:27) "Your winner, and NEW WOW Champion...Daaaaanger!" The champ is presented with the belt...and the mic. I'll bet the first word out of her mouth is "McLane", let's find out: "McLane, it appears Danger is your new world champion! So Terri may not be able to come back for a rematch. She looks a little injured. But McLane, I'm comin' back for you, 'cause you're on the highway to hell, and there's a table with your name on it! Who's house?" Replay of the Super Danger Drop.

Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation, EnerX, and EnerX.

"Fans, you just saw one champion enter the ring and a new champion exit. These two athletes will meet again to decide WHO should rightfully wear the belt! It's Terri Gold versus Danger for the WOW World Championship at WOW Unleashed on iNDEMAND February 4th - WHO will walk out with the title?"

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